


Three Steps Above Heaven

by Lc_0123



Category: The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: Age Difference, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Clarke, Clexa is End-Game, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Healing, F/F, Falling In Love, Feels, First Love, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Forbidden Love, Friendship/Love, Guilt, Heartbreak, Instant Attraction, Jealousy, Sex, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Student Lexa (The 100), Teacher Clarke, Teacher-Student Relationship, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2018-11-07 23:10:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 164,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11069031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lc_0123/pseuds/Lc_0123
Summary: Teacher/Student AUStarts when Clarke Griffin becomes the new Art teacher at Polis High and thinks that Lexa is also a teacher. They shamelessly flirt with each other until Clarke finds out the truth about the brunette. Both struggle to resist their forbidden attraction as they know their relationship has no chance to survive.They undergo many difficult moments; their struggle on keeping their love a secret.But their love was their destiny and who can tell the heart who to love or who not to love?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this is my first time writing in the Clexa Fandom, I'm mostly a low-key, small fandom type, so please be gentle. I love love Clexa and wanted to give it a try. I hope you all enjoy, I'd appreciate feedback, so let me know what you think and if I should continue.
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read it.
> 
>  
> 
> ********************************
> 
> I am making it very clear right now, before you start reading my story, that I do not condone or encourage pupil/teacher relationships and in no way want to entertain nor create a space for predators, child abuse. 
> 
> This is imagination at work. Fanfiction. And if you give the story a chance, you will see. Student/Teacher relationship is just a plot-‘forbidden/unrequited love’ and not a celebration of the subject matter.
> 
>  
> 
> **This is a work of fiction. This story and characters are fictitious.**  
> 
> 
> Fanfiction is just for entertainment. Got it? So, please refrain from pouring comments about me condoning abuse. 
> 
> I do not make money out of it, I write just for fun. On my spare time.
> 
> If this is not your thing, please do not read. I write fanfiction, and I think it's great fun, and writing this story so far has been so much fun.
> 
> Please note the **'Mature'** rating on this story as well. It does contain explicit sexual content between two women. 
> 
> ********************************
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read.
> 
>  
> 
> **Clexa**  
> 
> 
> xx -LC 

_"One day it happens. You’re standing somewhere and you realize you don’t want to be any of those around you. You just want to run away. Get the hell out of wherever you are. And suddenly it happens. Something clicks. And you know that things are going to change. They’ve changed already. And they’ll never be the same again. Never. And when it happens, you know…......"_

\-------------------

"Oh god Lex, why the hell are you in a suit?"

"Alexandria, Anya. Alexandria!" She answers and sits silently for a few seconds looking at Anya wrinkle her forehead and running her fingers through her messy dirty blonde hair.

"You don't remember, do you?" 

Anya shakes her head and gives her an apologetic smile.

"Of course not, why am I not surprised." She sighs and drops her head. "Seriously!?"  
She taps on the Bianco Antico granite countertop. 

"Don't you remember anything! Today is the meeting with Principal Forest and Professor Cartwig for the internship. Jesus Anya!!!!"

"Oh! Right!!!" Anya snaps her fingers. "That's today? Lexa, you told me this 3 months ago, how do you expect me to remember!!" ---No she didn't. She told her last week.

"Geez!! Besides today Is the first day of school. How was it scheduled TO-DAY!? Shouldn't I be there? Don't you need a consenting adult before you go crazy, making drastic life decisions?" the woman asked folding her arms to her chest playing a role, pleasing her in a way that was almost mocking her. 

Lexa studies her cousin with a raised eyebrow. Anya looks a complete hungover mess. 

"NO! That is UNNECESSARY!" Intentionally increasing the volume of her voice.

Anya scowls and stands up abruptly reaching for a glass on one of the top cabinets in the luxurious Black & White kitchen. 

"Lex, It's your senior Year...." 

"Please" she starts, cutting Anya off mid-sentence because no matter how many times she has asked kindly (she tells herself politeness is the key) people keep shortening her name. Alex, Alexa, Lexi and now Lex. What's next? 'X'????

So before it gets out of hand she vetos nicknames On.The.Spot.  
She does however makes one exception for the sake of the ART of understanding the need of certain individuals.  
"Lexa, will be fine" she sighs.

"Yes, I know you will be fine but that's not what I'm saying LEX!" 

Lexa rolls her eyes, her cousin does have the tendency of getting under her skin. She makes the dirty blonde haired woman 1st on the 'certain individuals' list. 

"Of course. I'm sorry. Do continue." She says.

"What I'm trying to say is enjoy your last year in High School....go have fun! Ask that girl out again...umm, what's her name!?......LIV! I can still see the thirst a mile away!" 

"Olivia" Lexa whispers.

"What?" Anya asks with an incredulous expression on her face. 

"Her.name.is.Olivia." She draws back with a puff of irritation. "But How is this relevant to the subject we are discussing? This is important Anya!"

"I was not done!!" Anya said sounding a tad annoyed.

"The art of professional connections, Anya." Lexa explains; lifting and shaking her leather portfolio that holds school transcripts,résumé, cover letter, letters of recommendation and a thank you note.  
"This is a very unique and convenient opportunity, Professor Cartwig is doing this a personal favor to Principal Forest. I have to ....'crush it, Kill it'; as you would say. Now, how do I look!?" 

The brunette stands up fixing the collar of her perfectly ironed button down shirt making sure it's not limp down because she does not want to look sloppy---Sloppy is as sloppy does.

Anya looks at her from head to toe and answers "Counselor Woods you're so fine, I've lost my standing"

Lexa smiles. Deep, deep inside her heart there is a special spot for her cousin. 

"So, it is a 12 week program that will allow to increase my academic portfo.. ..."

"Ok. Great!" Anya gives her two thumbs up dismissing her and goes to fill the glass with tap water.---Did she say, Deep.Deep inside her heart?

"I'll be running a little late today. Since you seem to be in such good mood and going in early, please stop by the teacher's lounge and get my mail."

"You've got to be joking!" She prompted, poised. She notices Anya massaging her temples. Then reaches over to one of the drawers in the kitchen island where she knows her cousin keeps her 'morning after pills' for Hangovers, of course, because even though they are the complete opposite they do have something in common; they're both gay-very, very gay. 

She walks over to bring the bottle to Anya and empties two pills on the countertop- she knows its clean, after her early run that morning she spent an absurd amount of my time wiping the countertops.

"Anya, It's the first day of school. How can you be running..."

"Lexa, relax! My first class starts 2nd period. Besides, unlike you, I do have a life and I quite enjoy all of this" she waves her arms. 

Lexa soaks in the view through the sliding glass door that leads to the backyard; by the pool there are empty bags of chips, pizza boxes, plastic cups, and beer cans from her cousin's latest "back to school party". 

Lexa sighs deeply and makes a mental note to call Marla (their housekeeper) 2 days before her scheduled day. 

"My head is throbbing so hush" She waves off the scolding comment before Lexa could even make it. With one big swing of her arm, she grabs the pills that sit in the counter and downs the entire glass of water then turns quickly to walk up the stairs.

"I beg to differ, I have a life!" Lexa contradicts, following Anya up the stairs. "Just because I do not wish to waste it on alcohol, lovers and parties it certainly does not mean I have no life. My sense of pleasure and satisfactions come from..."

"Yes, yes, ok Lexa! I get it but we all can't be like you, capisce?" Anya sucked in a breath, as pain stabbed through her head "now stop screaming and go away" 

"HEY!!" Lexa yells, this time louder and Anya winces again stopping in her tracks.

"It's not my fault I'm just incredibly smart and everyone else just chooses to be ...hmmmm?"

Anya is now looking at her with a humorless smile and Lexa takes her time carefully choosing her next words, with a raised eyebrow and a cockily smirk she says "....mentally weak, cousin" then gestures between them.

"Oh, god! I can't...just go away you egoistical prick!" 

"I shall" she walks smoothly down the stairs not before shooting Anya a mischievous grin.

"YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY MY DEAREST COUSIN!!" She yells and sees Anya covering her ears.

\------------------

Lexa rushes over to school and manages to arrive perfectly on time without breaking the speed limit- she is 30 minutes early--why? you may ask---well, she says that the lack of punctuality smacks disrespect. It proves that you do not value others’ time and she certainly does.

She parks at her usual spot; in the teacher's parking lot. Students are stupid- herself and a few making an exception. Therefore she parks far in the back at the teacher's park lot because she does not have time to entertain stupidity. 

Even though her second-hand vehicle cannot be worth more than $1000 now because it is a hunk of shit and it's falling apart, it still holds a special place in her heart. 

She bought the 1996 hunter green Saturn for $1460 after some serious negations. -she did good, the guy wanted $1500 for it. Three and a half years after and a whole lot of change spent on motor oil the piece of scrap it's still running. 

Even though she bought it with illegally earned money---Yes but that was before she found her passion and commitment to the law, as in before she took the route to becoming a lawyer. 

But by illegally earned she's not talking about money laundering or anything to that extent. She was under the age to legally work. 

At 13, she was offered the job, or was she offered? -she's still not sure.

She remembers entering the humid and fragrant flower shop that day, she was actually there to buy some pink Camellias on Valentine's Day; for herself of course. 

It was a busy day, obviously; to this day she still doesn't understand the fuss over Valentine's Day- many relying on flowers and chocolates to say ‘I love you’. 

The florist a 70 year old Hispanic named Rosita was having a hard time keeping up. 

"Hola, mi amor!" She greets. "Lexa, hija...can you please go in the back and get the Yellow Hyacinth arrangement." 

Sure, She said already walking to the back. As a frequent, loyal customer and a good friend, she knew her way around the shop. She knew exactly where she was going. 

When she came out of the back, she heard Rosita telling the tanned, muscled-juice head-Guido how much he owed and gestured for her to take the money. With a confused look, She took it and placed it on the register. She also made made sure, twice, that her math was correct to provide the correct change. 

So, she hands over the flower arrangement carefully to the clean looking man and the guy smiles, puffing with pride as if he just bought the perfect Valentine's gift but she wonders why Yellow Hyacinths? They mean Jealousy. 'Wrong choice, my man.' She only hopes his lover is truly in love or is also a flower illiterate.

"Si, mi niña" Rosita says throwing a reassuringly look every time she looks at the older lady to open the cash register. 

Loosing track of time and starting to feel the pain on her back from standing too long, she finally steps out the counter, she gets ready to say her goodbyes since it has immensely slowed down. The Latina comes out of the back with Camellias in hand walks to the register first, as she approaches next thing she knows Rosita extends the beautifully wrapped flowers to her with a small sized envelope and says with her thick accent "I'll see you tomorrow." 

And that's how she kept going back to the shop, worked illegally earning significantly less than the minimum wage. 

It is why, she tells herself and others that having the use of a car is not a right; it is a luxury and a privilege- She bought it using all of her 1 year hard worked savings. 

To this day she still goes back to the small flower shop, not to work of course but to get her weekly flowers to keep in her room. However, it is no longer Rosita who greets her. It's her daughter Rosy. 

\------------------

 

"Good morning" a sugary voice- No. The most beautiful voice came from behind.

Lexa turned around and there she was, resembling an angel in beauty. The most beautiful angelic woman she's ever seen in her whole 17 years, 9 months of life. 

This said angel had a sculpted figure, long wavy blonde hair that flowed over her shoulders. Shine glossy red lips and Lexa imagined those lips tasting strawberry sweet if she would ever have the pleasure of kissing them. 

Then she saw BOOBS. She was wearing a tight white shirt that showed every detail of her chest.  
It was subconscious. Her eyes found the joyful curves of the woman’s chest completely unbidden by her. Most breast are rather wonderful. But these are lovely to her. She had the eyes of a hungry infant. She was shamelessly gazing and gawking that her sexualized thoughts were a bit too obvious. 

The delicate beauty in front of course has eyes- she is watching her and Lexa can see that at least she has not made her uncomfortable because the blonde's lips twist into a sly grin which brings her out of her thoughts. (Bad. Bad thoughts).--she only hopes the ground swallows her whole, but she knows it won’t happen. 

'Is there a reasonable amount of time to stare at a woman’s breasts?' She asks herself before speaking because until this moment she has not said a word--as if she could with the beauty in front. All she's done is gawk like a horny teenage boy that just hit puberty. 

"Good Morning" she says clearing her throat.

"I'm Cl-Clarke Griffin" The blonde introduces herself through those sugar candy-sweet lips and goes for a handshake; her elegant personality, all mesmerized Lexa even more -she was already lost in the ocean blue eyes. In fact, she was drowning in those blues.

Seconds passed and Clarke's eyebrows inclined slightly. Lexa yelped at being caught- she was staring again. 

"You must be new" She says wrapping her long fingers on the blonde's small hands and shook hands ....a bit too long one may say. 

"I am." She answered with another sweet smile- breathtaking the brunette thinks.

"Alexandria Woods, pleasure to meet you Clarke" 

With her left hand poised on the cubbyholes, she's frozen once again eyes still focus on the blues looking at her or more like also devouring her then saw red lips curling into a teasing smile. -She's not alone, Lexa thinks.

"Social studies, WOW" the blonde said breaking 'their moment' pointing at the name tag under each cubbyhole -which reads 'A.Woods-Social Studies'.

The brunette did not turn to look at what the blonde was pointing at because she already knew what she was referring to, instead she shrugged and gave the teacher a soft smile. 

"I'm heading to the office after I'm done here, I'll ask Maya to add your name."

Clarke returns the smile and says "Oh thanks but I'm also heading that way." 

Lexa cleared her throat, mouth still feeling very dry. "Umm...Okay" 

"But .....thank you.....we could walk..I-I mean ....uhhh.....I'll be teaching the art program this year......so, uh.... I guess, we'll be seeing each other ....around the school, I mean." the blonde says somewhat incoherently then claps her hands "oh!....and uhh..... pleasure to meet you too, Alexandria"

The brunette nods in agreement and looks down at the teacher's left hand which does not go unnoticed by the blonde ---She's not married Lexa mentally fist pumps.

"The pleasure is mine, Ms Griffin." She shook her head, wondering why she suddenly felt so alive.

 

After a few minutes of silence in the room Lexa is done sorting her cousin's mail. She walks towards the door, with door halfway open she comes to an abrupt stop; tasting the teacher's name in her mouth again-she can't get enough. 

"Clarke" the 'k' popping against the roof of her mouth.

The blonde upon hearing her name like a prayer, she quickly turns around-It’s downright religious she thinks-the gorgeous green-eyed brunette stands, holding the door mid-open. Clarke is unable to make any words, her eyes turned lingeringly to the girl, admiring and thinking to herself that if it was anywhere else she would grab the young teacher roughly from the front of her perfectly wrinkle-free, button-down shirt, pin her to the wall and make her cum right there.........

"Don't try the coffee, taste awful." Lexa says pulling Clarke from her thoughts.  
"And from what I hear it gets worst everyday."

“I won't, thanks.” She nods weakly and watches the brunette exit. 

\--------------

"Good Morning, Maya!" Lexa greets the school secretary and sends one of her signature smile.

"Lexa!!!! You're here early!" She comments.

"Yes, Principal Forest is expecting me." 

"Of course, she's already in her office" Maya gestures towards the principle's office. 

Clarke walks in the office a few seconds later, making sure the door closes behind her but before she greets Maya, her eyes find Lexa entering Indra's office. 

"You must be Clarke Griffin, in charge of the new Art program, I'm Maya Cove!" The young secretary greets.

"That'll be me, nice to meet you Maya."

"I'll have your list in just a few minutes, I thought I had printed it out, I'm sorry...it's been a busy morning." She says sorting through the paper pile on her desk.

"That's ok, thanks" Clarke replies.

Leaning against the tall office counter Clarke sees through the open blinds the brunette and Principal Forest engaged in conversation. 

Alexandria sat straight, appearing more poised than she did during their early encounter, in control and in spite of her straight posture there was nothing stiff about the way she sat. 

Clarke thought that the brunette could not be more than in her early, very early twenties to be a teacher and already working, she must've graduated early-she wasn't new, she seems to be familiar with the place and the staff but she could be mistaken. Alexandria Woods was now a big (sexy) mystery to her. 

"Good Morning, I'm Professor Callie Cartwig, I'm here to meet with Ms Forest and Alexandria Woods." A middle age woman introduces to Maya, sending a polite smile her way.

"Ah,Yes! this way!" 

Maya leads the way not before giving Clarke an apologetic smile. Clarke returns the smile. 

Alexandria and Principal Forest come out of the office to greet the professor. Principal Forest steps closer to the woman and wraps her in a lingering hug. 

Alexandria in the other hand, seemed the epitome of maturity, professionalism, eyes straight ahead and steady giving a firm handshake and polite nod that seconds later turned into a soft smile.

"Shall we?" Indra leads, followed by the Professor while the young brunette stands with her hands behind her back as they pass through. 

Before the brunette steps back into the office green orbs are meeting her blue ones once again and Lexa has a massive smile on her face that wasn't there a few moments earlier. 

Clarke is startled out of her dazed and dumb smile that's plastered on her face when she hears Maya.

"She's a cutie!" Handing over the schedule and student list. "Smartest, hardworking girl I know" 

At that Clarke nods her head in agreement- pretty sure she was agreeing with the 'cutie' part because the rest she's yet to find out. Oh, she wants to find out more about the young gorgeous teacher.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Flirting. Clarke finds out Lexa Woods is NOT a teacher but a student ..... Olivia is introduced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoy, I'd appreciate feedback, so let me know what you think.  
> I'm hoping to post 2 chapters per week.
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read it.

Lexa is happy, the meeting went better than what she had expected-Thanks to Principal Indra, convincing Professor Cartwig was an easy task.

She is on the right path. This will give her a chance at been part of The New York County District Attorney’s Internship Program which is a rigorous twelve -week internship that provides students with an insider’s view of the criminal justice system AKA 'The dream'.

Walking down the school hallways, all eyes are on her--She should wear a suit more often she tells herself.

She is not the popular cheerleader or the jock but she is well known and most importantly loved by all her teachers for her academic achievements.

Even though there were some occasional competition, being named Valedictorian at Polis High did not come as a surprise to Alexandria Woods and others this year.

She sees Olivia talking to Jasper and decides to head their way.

"Olivia" she eyes the girl from head to toe and greets Jasper without making eye contact; emerald eyes still on the petite girl.

"Daammmn, Lexa you look like you're on a hunt for the ladies!" Jasper jokes and nudges her arm.

"Only one." She says, her eyes find the beautiful blonde. Clarke is walking down the school hallways.

Olivia at seeing the brunette and Jasper drooling over the teacher, rolls her eyes and starts to walk away.

"Olivia wait!!" Long fingers circle the petite girl's wrist.

"What do you want Lexa?" Dark brown eyes glaring into hers.

"Can we talk, after school? Maybe we could grab some iced caramel macchiato later today. It is your favorite." Lexa smiles steps a little closer.

Olivia gives her a flirty smile and steps even closer invading her personal space, leans and whispers in her ear. "8 PM. My house" pushes her shoulder a little "Don't be late!"

"I won't" she replies quickly.

"Ah, You horny bastards!" Jasper says loudly putting his arm around her followed by a pat on her shoulder.

Lexa quickly removes his arm and steps out of his reach. That's when Clarke passes by and her sweet scent invades her nostrils.

Clarke is also giving her a smile.

"Ms. Griffin." She says dumbly and the blonde nods.

Seconds later, she hears Jasper gushing out about how it was love at first sight. Admiring the teacher's beauty, body, God, those curves and how he would kill to have a girl like Ms Griffin.

"You and me both, my friend." The brunette admits and looked down on her watch- 9 minutes. She still has time to drop off Anya's mail before heading to Class.

\-------------

Lexa makes it to Anya's classroom and her cousin is not there. She can't believe Anya has not made it to school yet, she leaves her mail on the desk. As soon as she steps out of the classroom the first bell rings. -7 min to 1st period.

"You were right about the coffee." A voice come from behind stopping her in her tracks.

She recognizes Clarke's voice immediately and turns to face her with a ginormous smile on her face she exclaims, "Oh, no!" crosses her arms and with a raised eyebrow says, "Don't tell me you tried it."

"I did." The teacher tells her as she puts on a pouty face. "I needed caffeine. Won't happen again, I just didn't want to come in late....I'm not familiar with the location."

"Well, I know the perfect place to get your morning caffeine kick on the way to school. Maybe I can show you one day."

"Hmm...." The teacher smiles, "Toss in breakfast, and you're on!"

"Sounds like a deal!" She jauntily winks at the blonde and adds "But shhh." Putting one finger on her mouth stepping a little closer. "Don't tell anyone." She whispers smiling.

"Too many waiting in line?" The teacher asks with a teasing smile.

"No. There is only one I've got my eyes on." She says followed by a smirk.

A very sweet smile spreads across Clarke's face. The bell rings and that means two minutes prior to the start of class.

"I have to go, but I'd like that...a lot," The teacher tells her, "I'll see you later."

Clarke walks away and Lexa is left sighing already missing the blonde, then quickly turns and starts running to her Class.

\--------------

The morning goes by quickly. Anya had asked her earlier to meet her for lunch to talk about her interview.

Jacket and white shirt still looking sharp. She walks into the cafeteria undecided on what to eat, there is not much of a choice-Groucho's, Moe's and school cafeteria food-Yuck!

Anya is sitting with Ms Reyes. She turns slightly and sees Lincoln, Luna, Jasper, Monty, Finn and Olivia sitting at their usual table, decides to walk over to them first.

"What's up kru!" She greets and hears some heys and hellos.

"Sexy Lexi!" It's Jasper -of course.

Olivia rolls her eyes and everyone sitting on the table is laughing except Lexa, who is now giving the scrawny teenage boy her well known 'death glare'.

Lincoln whistles and wiggles his eyebrows. "New art teacher, 12 o'clock."

"Damn, I’d like to estimate the slope of those curves.” Jasper says with a long dreamy sigh.

Within seconds, everyone on the table bursts out in laughter again which caught the teacher's attention, the blonde turned to look at them- No. She's pretty sure it was her only.

"What!?" He asks and proudly says "Women like pick up lines!" And the boy has everyone laughing again.

"You're such nerd!" Olivia giggled, reaches for her hand and pulls her incredibly closer to her side giving her a sensuous smile, she stands up "I have class." Places a soft kiss on her cheek. Then starts to walk towards the exit, all eyes are on the girl, she turns to look at Lexa and gives her a quick wink and says "I'll see you later." ---She wasn't asking.

"Smooth" Monty says and the rest agree including a drooling Jasper.

As for Lexa, she quickly turned to watch the beautiful blonde with the nice round boo...-Focus! She mentally slapped herself for that.

She saw that the teacher was been called over by none other than Ms. Raven Reyes, who is also sitting with Anya- where she was supposed to be headed.

She can feel her cousin's eyes on her. It is the perfect way to jump on the opportunity and spend some time with the art teacher she tells herself and excuses from her friends.

 

Clarke makes it to the table where Raven and Anya are sitting.

"Hey" she greets.

"What's up Griffin, hows your first day so far?"

"It's going perfect" she smiles.

"You're lucky. I already have a headache." Anya sighs.

Raven laughs and looks up noticing her best friend's eyes are on Lexa's direction, gazing at the student with twinkle eyes.

"What the hell is Lexa wearing now!?" the Latina asks; brown and blue eyes turn to look at Anya.

Anya snorts. "She had an interview with a Top notch professor from NYU today for some internship program before she graduates and you already know Lexa..."

"Yep. Not our typical teenager." The Latina replies and laughs out loud then looks up at the blonde. Blue eyes in sheer of panic.

Anya and Raven both share a look of worry.

"Are you ok, Clarke?" Anya asks looking at a clearly flustered blonde.

"Uhh....yea. I'm fine....I..umm, I." Her voice comes out shaky and uneven. -----How could she possibly flirted all day with a STUDENT. God. She should quit and leave this very instant and never return!!

But by now, Lexa is already standing across the table greeting them with an easy smile.

"Reyes. Anya. Ms Griffin."

Clarke's demeanor changed even more which did not go unnoticed by all three women.

The blonde stood there not meeting Lexa's eyes with a look of fright on her face.

Lexa was now very confused; Clarke has been smiling at her all day.

"I gotta go." The blonde says, quickly walking away abandoning her lunch on the table.

"Is she ok!?" Lexa asked.

Anya shrugs and Raven stands up to follow Clarke.

"How did it go?" Her cousin asked patting the seat next to her.

Still looking at the exit where Clarke and Raven went she gives Anya a dismissive shrug and simply replies "Great."

\------------------

"Clarke! Wait!" The Latina calls.

"Shhh. Students can hear you!"

Clarke is walking fast, — almost running.

She's running her fingers on top of her head giving herself a head massage.

"What's wrong?" Her fellow teacher and best friend asks with worried eyes.

"I'm fine." She says coming to a stop, placing her hand to her hips now, she turns, with narrowed eyes looking back at the Cafeteria door, which now is at the end of the empty hallway.

"No you're not! What is it?" Raven asks stepping a little closer and grabbing her arm.

'Shit' her friend knows her too well.

"Follow me." She says.

Clarke leads Raven to her art classroom and tells her friend all about the encounters with Lexa that morning.---she regrets it the moment she's done telling her.

Raven is laughing, almost crying, slapping her knees----who the hell slaps their knees when they laugh!?

She can see that her friend is truly enjoying her misery. --Good thing she decided to tell her in the classroom where no one is watching.

With an unamused glare she asks Raven "Are you done!?"

Raven shakes her head..."I'm sorry, Clarke....I'll stop, just give me a minute" she starts to laugh again- minute is gone. "I'm sorry....it's just....I...Lex-Lexa Woods!?" She says in between laughs.

"Shut up." She death glares Raven for the twentieth time.

"Clarke, you won't live this one down when I tell the guys." Her friend tells her while cleaning the tears that are almost falling from the crease of her eyes.

"You're not!! Raven, I swear to god I will slap and kick the shit out of you." She warns. "That's not nice and THIS is NOT funny." She grumbles, her hand goes on her hip, which only makes the brunette laugh again.

"Griff, ok. Calm down. Sure, Lexa is young, a student, under 18...." she giggles. "But she is a very good looking girl, she has some sex appeal---not that I would EVER look at her like that....'cause EWWW" she shudders and Clarke lowers her head, both her hands covering her face in shame.--Gee thanks Raven. Remind me why we're friends.

"But wait! There's more.....what I'm saying is that she's gorgeous, the girl is Hot!! Ok!! She does behave like an adult, and she sure could pass for one .....she also speaks as if she was 45 and she can be a bit wwweeird sometimes. AND boring too.......But hey, it's fine." She waves her hand. "Don't sweat it, it was an honest mistake Clarkey, it could happen to the best of us."

Clarke looks skeptical, but nods frantically trying to convince herself.

"Besides" the Latina continues. "She probably was oblivious to your flirting."

\--Wrong. Oh No, Lexa did noticed- She is internally cringing. But still trying to make herself feel better about the situation, she nods in agreement again. "So, is she .....your student?"--Why the hell am I asking!? She shakes her head.

"No. Not this year. She's Anya's little cousin." Raven answers through a cough, holding her stomach firmly, still recovering from laughing excessively.

Clarke physically cringes this time upon hearing 'little cousin'.

"Anya....A.Woods.of course" she mutters.---Yep. An honest mistake.

"Only you Griffin, only you." And just like that Raven is laughing again.

Clarke steps closer and slaps her arm, this time shutting up her friend in an instant.

\------------

The rest of the day goes by pretty quickly and uneventful.

By the end of the day, Lexa and Clarke meet by pure coincidence in the parking lot.

The brunette upon seeing her is quick to call the teacher; by her first name; of course, since they seem to be alone.

Clarke ignores her and not planning on stopping anytime soon Lexa screams louder this time....

"Clarke, wait up!" -Rude. She thought.

The blonde rolls her eyes, comes to an abrupt stop and turns around.

Clarke watches as Lexa jogs towards her, curls bouncing around her shoulders, suit jacket folded around her arm, bottle of water in one hand and a black Michael Kors backpack on the other, her white button down shirt is now with the sleeves rolled almost to her elbows. Still wrinkle-free- she notices.

When the student catches up to her she says "That's Miss Griffin to you."

"That's not what you said this morning, Clarke." The brunette tells her, smirk barely visible but Clarke notices it anyway.

"You lied!" She accuses with fiery blue eyes.

"I never tell lies!" Lexa insists, resentfully.

"You told me you were a teacher and I....." she stops herself before she confesses out loud that she was indeed flirting a little; praying on all gods that there is a slight chance the student didn't noticed, just like her friend had said---but of course she did, they spent all day meeting each other's eyes and smiling like fools and even asked her for breakfast for Christ's sake,-Lexa's little smirk that's plastered on her face at the moment only confirms it.

"That's not true" Lexa steps a little closer. "I never said such thing! YOU assumed I was, which is different, Clarke. I just went along."

She can see the twisted smile on Lexa's pretty mouth and falls silent,-its true, the girl never introduced herself as a teacher.

She looks up to meet green eyes and nods. Lexa's smirk is now replaced by a grin.

For a breath, no one moves.

Lexa senses the blonde's hesitation, Clarke is now biting her lip looking a bit embarrassed---she could be an adult to the situation but it's been a day full of opportunities and for her ego's sake she cannot let this one pass.

"Don't worry " she soothes...Smirk back in place. "I'm used to having that effect on women..." the brunette says cockily. She can see Clarke's eyes widen, brows going up and her mouth slightly opening.

"Especially in a suit." She continues to tease the blonde. "Can you imagine seeing me nake...."

"That's enough!" the blonde snaps. "You can wipe that smug look off your face...."

Lexa throws her head back and laughs.

Clarke is a goner; weak in her knees and already defeated. The sound of the student's laughter is like a melody to her ears, she already misses it when she stops.

'This needs to stop now' she tells herself 'she's a student, a teenager. I should just go to the police station and turn myself in. Jail. That's where I need to be.'

"Do you always refer to your teachers by their first name?"

"Not all, just two....Anya Woods; my cousin and you" Lexa is grinning in satisfaction.

"Ha. Very Funny."

Lexa smirks, thinks about adding more to the fire but she already sees another teacher approaching the parking lot.

"Have a great day, Ms Woods." Clarke excuses herself, when she attempts to take a step she hears Lexa speak again.

"Miss Griffin, please." She bashfully extends her hand. "Alexandria Woods. Senior. Pleasure to meet you."

Arrested by the softness of green eyes and manners, the teacher accepts the polite handshake and nods.

"Can I walk you to your car?" Lexa asks, with tenderness which captivates her.

This needs to stop now-Clarke tells herself before she answers, "That's not necessary." Rejecting the offer she starts to walk away and can't help but notice Lexa is walking happily right by her side.

Clarke looks around confused when she comes to a full stop, takes a deep breath and calmly asks. "Did you not hear what I said?"

Lexa stops, a couple steps ahead from her and turns halfway "I beg you pardon?"

-As if she didn't hear her, she spoke loud and clear-Clarke thought, rolling her eyes. "I.don't.need.you.to walk me to the car."

Lexa is silent for a moment and the teacher sighs in annoyance.

The brunette looks confused for a second until realization hits her.

"Oh! No!" She says. "You see that worthless piece of junk over there" she points to her green Saturn- surprising Clarke, who squints her eyes to look where she's pointing at.

"Yeah well...." she says looking at the blonde who still has a questionable look on her face.

"She belongs to me." Lexa explains then smiles wide and walks away leaving an embarrassed looking blonde.

Clarke hears the echo of heels click-clacking on the pavement and hips swaying seductively.  
\----"Fuck" the teacher mutters under her breath. This is not happening. She needs wine now and possibly a cold shower.

\-----------------------------

Lexa and Olivia. -Well, it's complicated. They have dated on and off.

First it was her, 'Olivia don't rush me, I'm not ready to be in a relationship'

Then it was Olivia 'I like you but right now I'm also into someone else.'

When they were both ready, they went for it, causing unnecessary drama, tears and even forcing mutual friends to divide their time between each other.

So, they both decided to break up, They quickly fell back into old routines and agreed to be friends which included a very important clause in their agreement that was benefiting both parties.

This said 'arrangement' would generally be called 'friend with benefits, or a fuck buddy' or perhaps it is a relationship with “no strings attached.”

But let’s be real: There are always strings. Which brings her to Olivia's house this evening.

She unlocks her phone and searches for her "friend" contact number that is saved as 'babes' with emojis; before and after.

Even though she is not fond of nicknames, it's been there ever since Olivia shamelessly flirted with her when they met Sophomore year. She remembers clearly the girl saving the number on her phone -how could she forget, it still makes her smile.

"heart eyes emoji-sparkles emoji---BABES---sparkles emoji -mouth emoji-tongue emoji-scissors emoji-sweat droplets emoji" (yep you read right) within seconds later of giving her the phone back she received a text with even more emojis "fingers-Top-Soon-wink".

Smiling to her friends' antics, she sends the girl a text.

Lexa: I'm outside.

Babes: Come up. Doors unlock.

Lexa: Ok.

\----------

"Come in, dork!" The girl yells upon hearing Lexa's soft knocks on her bedroom door.

"Hey." She approaches Olivia and gives her a quick kiss on the cheek.

"You changed." Olivia said with a flirtatious eyebrow.

"Yeah."

"Sucks, you looked really..." her eyes darkened, Lexa can see them turning dusky with sexual heat. "...really sexy in that suit."

When Olivia steps closer, she notices that the girl is wearing nothing under the bathrobe and the hunger in the girl's gaze only intensifies when she catches her looking.

"All I wanted to do today was take you right there.....come here" Her 'friend' licking her lips proceeds to remove the bathrobe, tossing it across the room, revealing her perky, teacup-sized breasts.

She eyes the girls pussy a bit hungrily at first, it was partially shaved with only a small dark tuft of hair. Just the way she likes it. ---'Fuck, focus!' She shakes her head a little and walks across the room to pick up the robe then hands it back to Olivia.

"That's not why I'm here." She says bluntly and she can see Olivia's eyes widen considerably -oh, she can see it coming a mile away. Here it comes!

"Fuck You, Lex." She seethes.

"I'm sorry....but this needs to stop." She gestures between them. "I'm under a lot of stress, it's senior year, graduation, internships, college and I need to focus. Everything in the universe has brought me to this point so I can shine and failure is not an option. I've worked hard for this....you already saw this coming!" She finishes.

Olivia is looking at her with a small frown on her face and soft eyes.

"Yes, S.J.D, Doctor of Juridical science, blah,blah, blah." Olivia says as she looks down to finish tying the robe around herself.

Lexa sees the girl jump in the bed and pulls the blanket up to her chest then lays on her back with head tilted sideways, resting on her hands then taps on the bed for her to join.

An innocent invitation, the mood has changed so Lexa takes it.

She climbs and settles into the bed laying on her back. Olivia leans forward, she wraps an arm around her and the girl rests her head on her chest.

"I still don't get it." Olivia interrupts the peaceful silence. "I mean.... your dad, he is loaded. He owns a multi million dollar company. You could have everything here."

"He's not my father." She says it in a way that suggests that she's really trying to convince herself of something she knows better than to believe.

"Besides I don't want to settle for second best" Deep in thought she continues, "I don't want to be his shadow,....I just don’t want to feel as if I’ve had things handed to me, much less owe him, you know. I want to feel like I’ve earned it."

Olivia lifts her head a little, giving her a smile she speaks softly. "It’s going to be tough and there’s going to be a lot of pressure, Lexa. You just gotta figure out how to manage that.” Then clings more to her (as if she could) and buries her face in the crook of her neck.

Lexa breathes a massive sigh and says "I know."

In this moment she feels content.--Yep. This is why they're still friends.

She leans in and places a soft kiss on the girl's forehead before she whispers "I'm Sorry."

"Hmm." And hears Olivia managed to whisper "Stay."

Closing her eyes she answers. "I will."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoy, I'd appreciate feedback, so let me know what you think. I'm hoping to post 2 chapters per week.
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read it.

\----------------------------

 

Lexa was not the type of student to disrespect a teacher, especially not the type of person of disrespecting women; in fact, she thanks the universe for creating them-In particularly a certain blonde with blue eyes-- _She is so gay._

After she got home from Olivia's that morning, she went for her morning run, she thought a lot about her teasing behavior with the teacher the day before. 

Even though it had been fun, later today when she gets a chance she will go and apologize to Clarke. 

_Yes._ She went a little over board asking the teacher to imagine her naked. But yesterday was a day full of opportunities and those don't come very often. _Who can blame you for jumping into an opportunity, right?_

But the last thing she wants is for Clarke to think she is an immature disrespectful teenager.

It's not like she would ever have a chance with Miss Griffin, she probably has a line of suitors waiting to date her; that is, if she's already not dating someone, but that's beside the point. She will apologize, not only because she is gorgeous, but she also seems genuinely nice and she deserves to be respected. 

 

\--------------------------

 

Run. Check!  
Tea. Check!  
7 minutes Yoga flexibility. Check!  
Glass of water. Check!  
Shower. Check!  
Get dressed. Check!  
Breakfast. In process.....

"Hey Babygirl!"

"Good Morning, Marla." Lexa greets.

"I see your cousin is back again." The woman chuckles.

"You know it! Thank you for coming on such short notice."

"Girrrrl, don't you even worry about it!" Marla tells her and continues to clean up the mess around the house. 

Breakfast. Check!  
Brush teeth. Check! Check!

\---------------------

She tried to filled her schedule this year to keep busy, she already met her requirements to graduate and taking all AP classes, yet still has study hall and some free periods in her hands, if she wanted she could add an elective- _Maybe._ She's still unsure.

This senior year is different, she's done the hardest part, right now, her main focus is starting on her career path. So, she will put her free periods to a good use, study or do homework for her evening classes.

She's been busy the past 3 years in high school taking advantage of summer classes at Polis High, Independent Study and taking community college classes over the summer as well.

She will also start taking college level courses this year in the evenings at the local junior college. It's all about setting up your goal, focus and managing time, she says.

She had the option to graduate high school last year but she opted not to. So at this point she can still graduate a semester early, she'll finish high school in January after she turns 18. 

If she gets selected for this internship, she will. It is why yesterday was such an important day for her. Internships, internships- the perfect way to start her career path. 

However, this will mean she will not be eligible for Valedictorian honors or Senior Class president, that is if she gets elected again, because they're only reserved for students graduating at the end of the school year. 

Life-changing decisions. _Decisions, decisions, No one said it was gonna be easy._

\----------------------

Thinking about blue eyes she sits behind the wheel on her way to school and happiness radiates through her, she's all wide smiles singing, head bobbing to the beat of "A girl like you" by Edwyn Collins---because she's also a dork. 

(((((( _.....Here you come a-knockin', knockin' on my door...And I've never met a girl like you before...You give me just a taste, so I want more  
Now my hands are bleeding and my knees are raw...._ ))))))

She arrives 15 minutes early- perfect timing.

Lexa didn't know why she was still sitting in her car with her head propped up in an awkward angle looking and searching as if she was waiting on someone. 

That was until it all clicked, her eyes settled on the white Jeep Grand Cherokee Trailhawk coming in to the parking lot. 

She chased the car with her eyes until it parked and saw the gorgeous teacher come out. She looked even more beautiful than the day before.  
_\- Great! Yesterday I was gawking at the teacher and today I'm stalking._

She wanted to open her mouth to call out to her but instead she froze. 

She knows that right now is not the right time, she has a class in less than 7 minutes and last thing she wants is being scolded by her teacher for coming in late to class. 

Mr. Pike and herself take education very seriously.

She closes the car door and moves hesitantly across the staff parking lot wondering how she should handle 'this thing' with Ms. Griffin. 

_5 minutes_ \- she reminds herself as she enters the school hallways. She still needs to go to her locker and get her books which will take her about 2-3 minutes more so she is almost running. ----If she wouldn't have been distracted by a certain blonde's curves she wouldn't be having this problem right now.

"Hey Lexa, the meeting for the National H...." someone calls out.

"Not now, I'll talk to you later!" She's rushing to her locker but stops when she sees the door to the teachers' lounge. 

_Maybe Miss Griffin went in there_ \- And knowing her cousin she might not have gotten her mail yet. _(Or just Call it an excuse to enter the room, if you want.)_

_3 minutes_ -as she looks down at her watch again, she enters the room. Sadly, the teacher is not there. The bell rings and she runs out the room. 

She barely makes it to class on time, still catching her breath when she hears Mr Pike.

"Miss Woods, don't think about slacking off now, manage your time precisely, you don't want it to jeopardize your future."

"Of course not, Sir." She says thinking not once she's ever been late to Mr Pike's class in the past 2 years. But he's right, why start now?---- _oh right! the gorgeous blonde._

 

\------------------------------

 

Morning goes by quickly. It's her free period, so she goes to sit in the library to read, minutes after she hears her name been called via the school intercom to report to the office.

\-----------------------------

"Hey, Maya. You needed to see me?" She asks as she steps foot in the school office.

"Yes. This is a new student, I checked your schedule and saw you're free right now. I was wondering if you can show her around."

"Of course. Don't worry about it." She says giving Maya a smile and introduces herself to the student. The freshman says hi giving her a nervous smile.

Maya then gives Lexa the schedule, while going through it, she notices that the girl is in Ms. Griffin's class. This is her chance. So, she saves the best for last and takes the student around the school showing her where to go until they end up standing in front of the Art classroom.

The blinds are closed so she is not able to see if the teacher is inside. There is no noise coming from the room which makes Lexa believe that there is not a class that's taking place.

After dismissing the polite freshman; Geneviève from France, she knocks softly on the door.

"Come in!" 

Lexa opens the door slowly. Perfect! They're alone. She didn't have an excuse to give the teacher for being there, if students would've been inside the classroom. - _This was a no well-thought-out plan._ But luck seems to be on her side this time.

She sees the teacher on her tippy toes having some difficulty trying to reach a string to hang a canvas that's on her other hand. 

Without thinking twice she runs to give the teacher a hand knowing she beats the blonde in height by a couple of inches more. 

They're standing so closely. Blue eyes lock on green, it's so close that Lexa could practically taste the blonde's minty breath on her lips.

Time freezes, gazing deep into each other's eyes. 

Clarke is brought out of her spell when a smile appears on Lexa's face.

"I got it!" She says annoyed, pulling the already hanged canvas down, stands on her tippy toes again and with so much difficulty she did it. 

She sees that Lexa is watching her with an amused smile on her mouth.

Lexa learned two things today; the teacher is persistent and very stubborn. 

"You know, most people say thank you." She smiles.

"Is there something you need Ms. Woods? Shouldn't you be in class." The teacher asks.

"No. I'm good. Thank you." She answers ignoring the second question and she can hear Clarke scoff.

The brunette looks around to see all the paintings that are hanged on the wall, some look ok and others a little better than her 4 year old neighbor's. 

But there is one that catches her eye and she already knows it belongs to the teacher because it is signed C.G. It sits on an easel, looking lonely and odd against the room.

"Wow" She walks over to the beautiful piece of art. "Impressive." She says looking at gold colors glowing, purples vibrating and cool blues along the edges---She is wondering how someone so attractive could also be so talented.

She lifts her arm because suddenly she felt the need to run her fingers through the painting, it was like she needed to feel it. 

She's running her a fingers around the edge of the canvas when she suddenly feels Clarke slapping her hand away. 

"Don't touch it!" 

Lexa's eyes widen. 

"It's still wet." Clarke said sharply.

Lexa had the grace to look embarrassed, and glanced at Clarke under her lashes. "Sorry." She grimaced. 

The teacher puts down the brushes from her hand and stood next to Lexa who was still surveying her work. 

"You like it? ...It's all right." The blonde says gesturing to the painting.

Lexa spun to look at Clarke and could see the teacher gazing at the painting with a sense of nostalgia in her eyes ."Are you kidding!? Clarke! It's amazing!" She tells her.

 

Upon hearing the young student, Clarke's heart warms and she can't help but smile. "Thanks." She says genuinely.

"I mean, I may be young and may not know much about Art but you are very talented." 

Clarke turns so her full body is facing Lexa. She appreciates the compliments - she truly does, but it's Lexa so she only gives the girl a nod. 

The bell rings. 

 

"Why are you here, Lexa?" The teacher asks coldly.

"Oh, right!!" 

Clarke watched the girl straighten her posture and clearing her throat before she took another step closer with soft eyes and speaks. "I wanted to apologize for my behavior yesterday. It was extremely inappropriate, immature, and lacked the respect you deserved."

Clarke chuckles. - _can she be any more adorable?_

There is only silence.

"Do you accept my apology?" Lexa asks since Clarke only chuckled and is currently giving her the silent treatment, she needs to make sure because she's not leaving the art room until her apology is accepted. 

"It's already forgotten." The blonde smiles. 

"Good. Thank you Ms Griffin." She spunk around and starts to walk out the classroom. 

Clarke with an amused smile, shakes her head because Lexa Woods is just truly something else.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoy, and again, Thank you for taking the time to read it. :-)

\----------------------------

 

2 weeks into school and they don't meet or talk again but always end up seeing each other in the school hallways. 

It's always Lexa who greets with a 'Hello' or a 'Ms. Griffin' and every time the teacher gives her a friendly nod and a reserved smile. 

It's not for lack of trying. But, every morning she's been to the teachers' lounge to pick up Anya's mail (she's still doing it without been asked) hoping to see the blonde, unfortunately their time never coincide. ---But if you didn't know, Perseverance is also her middle name.

\------------------------

 

"Hey Lex, you know what day it is!" Her cousin tells her. 

\-- _of course I know what day it is!_. She sends her cousin a wryly look, and rolls her eyes. _It's Saturday,_ it is why she's wearing an apron on top of her Lightweight T-Shirt t with Leggings--she only cooks on the weekends.

"I'll have a few people over so if you don't want to hang out, you can disappear to your cave." Anya tells her.

Great. Another party. As much as she hates Crazy Party Anya, she would rather live with her than her father. So, she's out of options here.

"Ok....what time?" She asks looking at the cook book in hand as she goes over the recipe one more time.

"8ish-9ish, Raven and I are going for the booze right about...now." Anya tells her upon hearing the nonstop honking that's coming from outside.

"Whatever." She mumbles.

\--------------------------

Quail roasting in the oven, fresh ingredients out and ready, fork in hand that is currently been used as a microphone, hips swaying to the beat of the song..........

That's how Clarke finds Lexa when she entered the 6 bedroom house, she rang the bell and knocked but music was too loud for someone to hear. 

She texted Anya to let her know she was already there but she told her she was still getting more stuff for the 'small gathering' they were having --BUT it was "TOTALLY" fine for her to go inside and relax. 

What she failed to mention was that Lexa was inside -- _of course she was. She lives there._

(((( _And darling I will.... be loving you 'til we're seventy-Eeee_ )))) --Lexa's curls bounce on her shoulders.

" _And baby my......heart..... could still fall as hard at Twenty-threeeee-eeee!!!!!!"_ she continues singing- or at least attempting to sing, _'cause God_ , the girl is on the right path; career wise, she would absolutely fail as a singer.

She makes it across the room and stands by the kitchen island, Lexa's hair shimmering under the chandelier, her generous hips still swaying -left, right, up, down,up, right and left.

(((( _".....I fall in love with you every single DAYYY. And I just wanna tell you....I AAAAMM!!!"_ )))) She continues singing arms holding her chest now.

All Clarke could do was stand there and smile, she should announce her presence but watching the brunette dance and sing is so much better. It's funny. This is a new Lexa to her. --NO. She is trying to ignore the feeling of warmth stealing into her heart.---it shouldn't but it does.

(( _"....Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars. ...Place your head on my bea-e-tiiing heart...."_ )))))

Lexa's head turns and that's when she sees Clarke and if she was to be completely honest right now she is feeling a little embarrassed at been caught; because honestly, singing is not her forte. Dancing is another story. She knows she got the hips, and she knows how to work them too.

But forget about her horrible singing skills, Clarke is laughing loudly with her head thrown back--- _and Sweet Baby Jesusssss._ Lexa's never heard a sweeter sound.

She grabs the remote control and lowers the volume choosing to sing the next part out loud without the music ".....Maybe we....found...love right.where.WE.ARE..." --- _her time to smile now._ Green eyes lock on Blues.

"Came to see me?" She jokes.

"If I had known you'd be here I wouldn't have come..." Clarke teases. "Anya invited me."

"Yea. She's not here. Obviously....Have a seat." She gestures to the bar stools. "What time did she tell you?"

"Seven." The blonde replied.

"Right" she looks down at her watch. "It's a quarter past seven, and you probably have been watching me, quacking like a duck and barking like a dog for the past 5 minutes.....You, my dear Clarke almost made it. On .Time." She sends the teacher another smile.

"A word of advice, 'Anya's time' Seven means '8ish-9ish'.....Sorry." She says, frowning like a 3 year old. 

"Incredible skills you got there." The blonde tells her and Lexa can see the teasing smile on the teacher's face-- _Ah! its an invitation._

"Oh yeah, _phhbt!_ that's nothing! You should see my moonwalk." 

She does it perfectly, and laughs as she checks on the quail. --She can't believe she just did that. But Clarke is giggling, at least she is having a good laugh at her expense. --And she loves it.

"AND you cook!?" The teacher is teasing again.

"Cooking is the perfect way to a woman's heart, Clarke....It's a must." She smirks. "But you also don't know many things about me, Would you care to find out?" She says lowly giving her another smirk that seems even more suggestive than it did a minute ago. 

"We could have dinner under candlelight...Food is almost ready..." she can see Clarke rolling her eyes but still continues "You know, just to relax. I'll sit next to you, look into your..."

"Oh yeah!! I'll hold your hand with batting eyelashes too?" The teacher chuckles, almost mocking her.

" _Yeah!!!_ You...hold both of my hands close to your chest" she continues pressing her hands to her chest, "and you know.....just get to know each other better! Who knows Clarke, I may be THE one." She finishes holding her gaze with a smirk.

Squinting her eyes and tilting her head Clarke responds, "Tempting, but no. Thank You." 

With a twitch of a smile Lexa reaches for the bottle of wine and offers it to the blonde. "Wine?" She asks.

"Shouldn't you be drinking Kool-Aid?" Clarke raises an eyebrow with a half smirk in place.

\--- _Ouch. Good one._  
Lexa held her gaze and stared into Clarke's blue eyes, wondered how the blonde declined dinner and wine. _Ugh, This woman!_ She's playing hard to get but she is also enjoying "the chase", it's the best part of romance. She says. Then chuckles out loud at her own words; she can see that Clarke is still maintaining a steady eye contact with a slight smirk on those pretty lips.---She still believes they taste like strawberry.

Lexa then wonders if Clarke is having as much fun with this too, _she is; of course she is._ But Is Clarke playing hard to get or is she really that hard to get?

Breaking the long silence she speaks again "Actually....I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food." 

She grins and the blonde laughs, rolling her eyes at her words.

"I kid, I'm more of a Water, Protein Shakes and Tea type."

Clarke replies with a sarcastic laugh this time.

"So, what's for dinner?" The blonde asked after a moment of silence.

"Miss Griffin!!" She gasped, exaggerating the shock-look on her face. "It would've been an honor to ask you first." Then bows her head. 

At that, they both share a laugh, accompanied by an eye roll from Clarke.

 

The timer goes off. 

 

Lexa puts on the oven gloves and pulls the tray out with the Quail, sets it on top of the stove. Turns around to face Clarke who is sitting across the kitchen island and wiggles her eyebrows.

"Smells amazing." Clarke closed her eyes, inhaling deeply.

"Would you like me to fix you a plate?" The student asks.

"No thanks. I'm good." Clarke answers politely.

Lexa serves herself a plate and hops over to the bar stools to sit right next to the teacher, placing a fork on top of a napkin on the counter for Clarke. 

There's only one plate. 

The teacher smiles, peering intently at her with a questionable look on her face.

"It's Quail." The brunette tells her. "Have some." She says gesturing towards the fork. 

Lexa doesn't know where this is coming from because she never shares her food-- with anyone. In fact she hates it when people pick on her food. 

At this point Lexa has not touched her plate allowing for the teacher to pick some off the plate first. 

Using her knife she cuts the Quail, she takes food off the plate with her own fork, and offers it to feed the blonde.

"Its not poisoned, I _cross_ my heart." She says------ _what is she? A Girl Scout in kindergarten??_ She mentally slaps herself for that.

Surprisingly, Clarke accepts it. 

"And?" She asks anxiously.

"It's...really good." The teacher says bringing the napkin to her lips.

 

Clarke's eyes are on Lexa, she sees the brunette's face lit up upon hearing her words, her smile outshining the sun and hears the girl ask again expecting reassurance.

"Yeah?...It's good?" 

Clarke didn't know what came over her to make her next bold move, she reached for the student's hand giving her a reassuring squeeze and said "Best Quail I've ever had." 

 

Lexa glances at Clarke and can see the blonde's eyes boring into hers. The blues are looking at her very hard and the intensity of the teacher's gaze is suddenly making her feel nervous; and she never gets nervous. -- _What's happening??_

She can't explain it. Maybe because she doesn't understand it. There is no way that a woman like Miss Griffin would even look at her that way, it was all fun in games. Sure, she flirted with her the first day they met but that was before she knew she was under 18. Who is she kidding?? --- _Ah, her young foolish heart beating faster for nothing._

 

"Yo, party girl Grifff-INN!!" They hear Raven yell from outside which brings both girls out of the special moment they shared.

Lexa raises an eyebrow at hearing Clarke been referred as a Party girl.

"Don't ask. Thank you for dinner." The blonde stands up from the bar stool and heads towards the door.

"What? I feed you and I don't get a goodnight kiss?" The student teases. 

"It will take you more than one dinner for me to kiss you." Clarke says, and her eyes widen as she realizes what the hell she just said-- _Ah, damn._ She is mentally slapping herself and cringing inside.

Lexa is quick to catch on and before Raven and Anya makes it inside, she quickly approaches the teacher, giving her a sly smile, not trying to conceive her amusement she whispers in her ear. "Then, it's a date."

 

"TURN IT UP!!!!" Raven screams, music starts blasting. Anya and a few others follow. 

"What the Fuck!" she mutters under her breath, relieved that the young brunette is already walking up the stairs with her plate in hand and is not looking back --because all blues are on her. Lexa is looking perky in the pair of tight leggings that clung to her perfect curves. Perfect long legs, perfect boo...

"Griffin!" Raven yells, snapping her out of her thoughts, giving her a mischievous smile. 

"Shut up." She warns. 

"I didn't say anything." The Latina walks to stand in front of her lifting her arms up to place each hand on each of her shoulders, shaking her body a little and says. "It's a beautiful danger. You've always enjoyed danger. You'll burn. Snap out of it."

"I'm not the same person I once was, Raven." She tells her friend.

"Good. Now, Let's go party!" Raven pulls her hand leading the blonde to the backyard to introduce her to her friends. -- _Did she not just tell her that she's no longer the same?_ Party Girl Griffin is long gone.

\------------------------

She had fun, she didn't drink much, met a few people and went home early with the excuse that she had to get up very early to visit her mother the next day. Truth was, that her thoughts would drift back to the girl with emerald eyes. 

When she got home later that night, as she lay in bed alone, she replayed their conversation once more, remembering especially how the girl's plump lips curl when she smiles, her smirk-- _God that stupid smirk._

_It was just a friendly, flirty banter. It was all in the name of fun._ No one got hurt. Tomorrow is another day. She told herself before closing her eyes to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again....  
> As the story progresses I will be giving a little here and there on each of the girl's past. In this chapter Abby makes her first appearance...  
> And please remember Lexa was a normal student at Polis High, Clarke is the new teacher who flirted with her, without knowing of course. 
> 
> Lexa: Immature? Maybe-Yes. Cocky? Yes-Yes. It was needed for this story. 
> 
> Also, get ready! Think of it as if we are riding a roller coaster, and we're still going up. Lol

###### 

* * *

The dream was to own and operate her gallery after she graduated. But here she is, working as an Art teacher at Polis High.

Life can be unpredictable and things can go wrong or become better at any time, it doesn't matter if you're 18, 25, in New York City or in London. 

She attended medical school, her mother; a very successful surgeon could never be more proud of her daughter. But she never felt convinced that medicine was where she really wanted to be, it was not her calling.

When she dropped off medical school to pursue her dream, her mother, friends and family thought she was crazy and lost many things along the way including all financial support from Abby. 

Being an artist was not a career like others, she knew it was not going to be easy. But an artist is who she is, and she could never stop being herself. She needed to stop doing what everyone else wanted her to do. Therefore, she developed her own path, stuck to it, and learned to stand on her own two feet. 

6 years have passed, even though she is not where she truly wants to be, she is still happy doing something she loves, Art.

After all that time spent living in New York City, 25 year old Clarke is now back to Easton, PA. Her hometown. 

* * *

Clarke swiveled in front of the full length mirror, eyes narrowed, she takes a moment to check herself out. Generous hips in a perfectly tailored sheath red dress. - _Excellent._ Then turns around to look at her butt. Perfect round ass. -- _Looks good._

"Clarke, are you listening?" 

She let out a heavily sigh, as she heard her mother again on speaker. "Yes, mother."

"Clarke, you've been back to Easton for over a month now, Polis is only 25 minutes away and to this day you have not visited, I haven't seen you in years!" Her mother tells her over the line. "I could stop by if......!" 

"MOM!" She cuts her mother mid-sentence and goes to stand in profile in front of the mirror, cupped her breasts, making sure she has full coverage. - _Good._ She continues, "You saw me Thanksgiving day." She says followed by another heavy sigh, forcing herself to relax, "I already told you, I've been VERY busy. I'll try to visit this weekend. _Ok_?"

After a minute of silence, her mother added, "You'll try?"

"Yes, Mother. I'll try my best, but I can't promise anything, Ok!?" She let out a puff of impatience.

"Fine." Her mother said in agreement not sounding too pleased, but making sure not to upset her daughter.

"I gotta go before I'm late. I'll talk to you later." She told Abby, still checking herself in the mirror, for the twentieth time making sure she does not look _too suggestive_. She'll wear a cardigan anyways, making sure she hides all the evidence of her curves, to minimize distractions. _Of course._

"All right. I love you. Have a good day, sweetie." 

"You too. Bye now." 

She hangs up and goes to apply the finishing touches to her makeup. Her blonde hair pulled up into an elegant bun, a few stray curls escaping to rest elegantly against her temples.

 

It's not that she hasn't forgiven her mother, she truly has. But to forgive doesn’t automatically mean to reconcile. 

It’s taken her years to forgive and has done her part to at least try to transform their relationship. It's a working process, their relationship was too damaged but at one point she believed it was worth saving, it is her mother after all. 

Now that she is back, she only hopes to heal it, but on her own time and right now - it's not the time.

 

* * *

 

Clarke sits in her car waiting for a red light to change and replays the highlights of her first two weeks working at Polis High, that's when a pair of irresistible green eyes came to mind.

She's never had anything like this happen to her before, especially with a student. But looking into those beautiful green eyes, it's like she looses herself, and has no control. There is something about the girl, that makes a spark inside her, makes her feel something she hasn't felt in so many years. 

She knows it's wrong, and it's not gonna go further, not only because she is a student but she is also underage and _God! This is dangerously wrong_. -She truly is going to hell, just for entertaining the thought.

There is a connection they both share, it is undeniable. The flirting, she likes it and also enjoys the attention the brunette is giving her --it's been a while and she can't remember last time she was wooed this way. But even though they were both having fun, and she ostensibly consented to this interaction, it needed to stop. Now. 

Her career was on the line, and she was not gonna jeopardize all her hard work for behaving recklessly. She did a lot of thinking over the weekend too, concluded the solution to her problem was simple; avoid the girl. 

Who said it was gonna be easy, right?

As soon as she pulls over to the parking lot, Lexa is walking towards the school entrance. 

She's wearing a chambray shirt, unbutton cuffs and sleeves folded three to four inches above her elbow, -not that she was paying close attention, but the shirt was slightly tucked in front of her, shown off to perfection in a pair of skinny jeans that hugged her slender figure, she wore it with a pair of White Smith Primeknit Sneakers--How does she know? She owns a pair herself so she recognized them right away. And of course, her Michael Kors' large pebble leather backpack slung over her shoulder.

She looked good, it took Clarke all self-control not to stare at the skinny jeans hugging her hips, long legs and... ---- _Lies! Lies! All Lies!_ She had no self control and she was staring.- _Fuck!_

She was locked in a trance watching the student, when suddenly.....

"KNOCK-KNOCK CLARKEY!" A voice and a tapping on her window startled her. She looks up and it's Raven, with a cunning smile across her face. -- _Great_. Just what she needed. 

She gathers her stuff and climbs out of the car. 

"Morning, Princess!" Raven greets with a raised eyebrow studying her.

"Don't call me that." She tells her friend. 

"You ok? You may wanna take that cardigan off, you looked a little hot and bo.."

"Don't you dare finish that sentence Raven!!" She warns pointing a finger at Raven. "I'm fine. I shouldn't have said anything." She says-- because she is fine - _Yep, totally fine._

Hoping to change the subject, she asks "Why are you here so early anyways?" 

"Oh! Today!! I'm doing an experiment with my AP Physics C class and I need to prepare." Raven says with excitement, explaining how she needed to set up the lab and make sure everything is perfect because she wanted the students to enjoy their first experiment; completely forgetting about Clarke's embarrassing moment. 

Even though they didn't get to see each other too often for the last 6 years. Raven and her will always pick up where they left off. Nothing ever changed between them. In high school, they were inseparable. 

 

* * *

 

The day goes by super fast, it's her last period class and she is ready to go. 

She's happy because she kept her promise and avoided the brunette all day. ---- _Well_ , it probably has to do with the fact that she pretty much stayed inside the art classroom all day, she even ate her leftovers she brought for lunch today, while painting a little. 

The bell rings.  
Just minutes before class; she starts taking the art supplies out of the bins. Concentrating on her task, she sucks on her lips and starts humming quietly.

When she spins around to go and get the classroom door open, she is startled to see non other than the green-eyed brunette looking at her. Lexa is sitting quietly in the front row with a smile.

"JESUS!!" She pressed a hand to her chest, trying to slow her heartbeat down. “What is wrong with you! You scared me to death." - _It was more like 'WTF is wrong with you' in her head._

Lexa stood up and stepped closer to her. "I apologize Clarke, I didn't mean to startled you." 

She noticed the brunette's hand reaching for hers, but she quickly moved towards the door avoiding any type of contact with the student.

"Don't you have class?" She asks, turning her head a little to look at the student as she opens the door.

"I do." Lexa replies sitting back down. 

Clarke heads back to her desk ignoring the girl. She knows her students will come in any minute now, and Lexa has a class so she should leave soon. ---- _All I have to do is ignore her_ \- she reminds herself.

"How was your weekend?" The brunette asked breaking the silence.

"It was fine." She replied, immediately hating herself for answering. -- _Did she not just said the plan was to ignore Lexa?_

There is more silence in the room. 

"Well, mine was great as well, thank you for asking." Lexa says giving her a sly look and a suggestive raised eyebrow. 

\--A rush of memories swept over Clarke, remembering their ' _friendly and flirty banter_ over the weekend.-- _Great_ , she sighs.

Lexa was gazing at her, but she didn't linger, instead she stood up abruptly from her desk and approached the girl. 

"Look! I don't know what you want, but I have a class coming in so it's best if you go, Now." She demanded, the student watching her very intently, with a half a smirk across her lips.

"Are you kicking me out of your class, Miss Griffin?" Lexa asked, full smirk in place now looking up at her.

"Yes, I am." She answered, candidly. "I don't have time for your games today, Lexa. Please leave. You're not in this class and there is no reason for you to be here."

"Oh! I'm sorry but I'm afraid you're mistaken. As a matter of fact there is because starting today, Miss Griffin; I belong in your class." Lexa says handing over her schedule and office papers which proves that the girl is not lying and in fact, she does belong in her class.

Clarke is looking at Lexa with fiery blue eyes but still composed. "Why?" She asked dryly raising her voice a little. 

"I was inspired!" The student says breathing deeply and beams a large, happy smile at her. 

She clutches her sides and for an instant feels as if she is suffocating. The student just managed to snapped the last bit of patience she had. 

Breathing deeply and firmly looking down at the student, "Miss Woods....." she managed to say before the rest of her students began to enter the classroom.

She glared at the girl as she returned back to her desk, taking a deep breath regaining her composure. 

 

A few minutes later when everyone was inside.......

 

"Ok. Guys. Settle down." The blonde speaks loudly, she notices the girl was still examining her, smiling. . --- _Ugh_ , the girl has some nerve.

"As you all remember, last week we learned about basic color behavior and theory..." 

Clarke is interrupted by non other than Lexa Woods, who has her hand raised up, long fingers wiggling in the air.-----Her fingers, long, long fingers... _FOCUS CLARKE!!_

"Miss Woods?" She raises an eyebrow.

"Please excuse me, I feel terribly sorry for interrupting the class Miss Griffin, but I was not here last week, if you don't mind going over the basics. I would very much appreciate it." Lexa finishes tilting her head, giving her a sly smile.

"Of course, Miss Woods" she gives her a firm nod. "Guys, we have a new student in our class." She addresses the students with a convincing smile. 

"Why don't you introduce yourself to the class Miss Woods and please, tell us about your interest in Art?" 

"Of course" Lexa responds happily and goes to stand right beside her, brushing her arm. 

"Good afternoon, Miss Griffin, my fellow classmates, my name is Alexandria Woods, my _closest_ friends call me Lexa. I was named Valedictorian this year, having the highest academic rank for the school's graduating class for the past 4 years. I will be attending NYU next year. More specifically, NYU School of Law." She knows she has everyone's attention and continues "But enough about that," she chuckles, "Why my interest in Art..."

There is a small pause before she continues.  
"Growing up with an artist, my Mother, my earliest memory is not a sight or a sound, it’s a smell, actually – the smell of oil paint." 

The brunette takes a deep breath and glance back at Clarke, who is looking at her with cold features, unamused; leaning on her desk with her arms crossed.

The student continues "Well, I remember vividly, watching my mother hard at work in her studio and seeing still-lifes, landscapes, and florals magically taking shape and form on her easel. Art makes you feel alive. It takes you on a journey - to places you've never been, never likely to go....Art.... Art truly is food for the soul." She finishes and goes to sit down.

Clarke won't deny she was moved by the girl's words. She had to swallow hard. -Although there is a possibility it's all a lie, it still gave her a pleasant feeling of happiness, being that Art is her passion. 

"Thank you, Miss woods. That was...quite inspiring." She gives her another firm nod.

She instructed her students to go to their designated easel stand and continue to work on their assignment then calls Lexa over to her desk. 

The brunette eagerly stood up, making her way over to the teacher and stands across her desk.

"So.." she says not loosing anytime or even allowing the girl to speak. "You need to first understand how colors behave with each other" she explains. "Come stand behind me so you can see better." She tells the girl as she sits down on her chair.

The student is quick to stand next her and she can now smell the girl's soft fragrance. Clarke inhaled the sweetness of her scent invading her senses. She had to wrinkle her nose to come out of the spell. -She cannot get distracted like this, not in front of her students. -- _Focus Clarke._

"Study this color wheel," she says while pointing at it, "the first thing you should note is the primary colors, Red, Yellow and Blue..." she turns to look up at the student who's eyes are not on the color wheel but instead on her. 

"Are you paying attention?" She asks with raised eyebrows.

"Yes.." The brunette lies quickly glancing over to what she was pointing at.

"Ok. What are the three colors?" She tests the student.

 _Crap._ "Uh..."

She looked up at a clueless Lexa and tells her. "I won't explain this again. Pay attention." 

"Uh, Yes. Sorry" the brunette says sheepishly.

"Ok" she answers, waving it off. Then turns slightly to look at Lexa, and soft green eyes are looking down at her, Clarke feels the need to ask.  
"Was it all true?" 

The brunette looks at her quizzically. 

"About what you said...about your mother?" she further explains. 

"Of course." Lexa whispers softly. "I never lie." 

Lexa is still looking down at her and she can see the sincerity in her eyes. Her penetrating stare locked on her face, green orbs holding her blue eyes captive, as if those eyes was staring straight down into her soul and she couldn’t do anything to avoid it…..-- _Why? Why does this keep happening?_

"Miss Griffin! Can you help with this mess, please?" A student whines loudly. 

Lexa only wishes to punch whoever dared to interrupt this moment and when she looks up, to throw daggers at this INSOLENT person, she's surprised to see that it was Geneviève from France, instead she sends the girl a smile. -- _because the girl is nice and she said please._

Clarke nodded at the freshman also giving her a smile. When she moved her chair back slightly, she stood up abruptly without even thinking. Lexa was still standing next to her, and now far too close, their bodies almost brushing, _so-so close._

Just for a split second Clarke let her gaze linger, it was enough for her heart to skip a beat. She had to clear her throat to ask the girl to step aside. 

"Excuse me." she said in a low voice.

"Oh...sorry." Lexa stepped aside and gave her a nervous chuckle.

"You can find a paper roll right over there and ..uh, just start working and sit anywhere you'd like." 

Lexa gave her a firm nod in understanding as she left to help Geneviève, a minute later she notices that the brunette had chosen to sit right in front of her easel stand. All she could do was roll her eyes. --- _The nerve. Oh the nerve of this girl._

* * *

 

When class was over; after cleaning their areas everyone packed their stuff up and emptied the classroom quickly. 

It was the end of the day and everyone was eager to go. Except Lexa. Of course. Clarke glance over to where the girl was, she was taking her sweet time.

The teacher began to pick up some brushes that were left on the floor, tidying up the classroom a little when she heard the student speak.

"So, what do you think?" Lexa stole her a curious glance. A smile twitched on the corner of her mouth as she showed her work.

At that precise moment, Clarke couldn't help but laugh. She is looking at a watercolor, giraffe with Flirty long-lashed eyes, next to it, it reads 'You're GiRaFFIN me crazy'. 

She can feel Lexa's eyes on her, she takes the watercolor painting in her hands to look at it closely and it's making her smile --of course, because it's stupid, sweet, cute, _AND WRONG._ And it shouldn't be making her feel anything. _Nothing at all._

She looks up, the brunette's lips tugging a smile at the corner, that is now making her feel a little giddy inside---Clarke groaned internally and shook her head.

"Can I ask you a something ?" Lexa says softly.

"Mm-hmm" She lightly nodded, setting the student's work on top of a desk and turning to face the student. --- _Whatever happened to the solution to her problem? Ignore the girl. She's not sure._

"How do you look so beautiful all the time?" Lexa's voice was low and dangerous.

Little shivers ran up and down Clarke's spine, but she reminded herself Loudly this time--- _Ignore the girl. She's playing a game._

Clarke rolled her eyes and laughed it off instead, "Ok. Romeo." She chuckled and proceeded to walk towards the door with her belongings in hand. Lexa followed behind.

"No, I'm serious......" 

Clarke turned around once she reached the exit, motioned her hand towards the door for Lexa to exit first before reaching the light switch. But Lexa made no attempt to move, stood in front of her; there were just a couple of steps between them.

"Clarke, you are so beautiful...." Lexa spoke, again in a low voice, taking another step forward, "Just beautiful," she breathe, "I could stare at you forever and...I’d still feel like I haven’t had enough of you." She whispered softly as she stood, staring into her eyes.

 

"Lexa....please...." Clarke warned her, but sounded more like she was pleading and her eyes echoed her plea in her soft shadowed blue depths. -- _She had to be out of her mind, what reasons could there be for her to be feeling this way?_

_Right._ She's heard it before and it stole her heart. Leaving her broken and just remembering sends a sharp contraction to her heart. She immediately shakes it off.

 

Upon hearing the teacher's soft plea Lexa had to close her eyes for a second, imagining the teacher pleading under different circumstances, a shiver ran down her spine. Lexa shook her head a bit, trying to focus her emotions ---Why was she so on edge? _They're teasing. It's not real._

Lexa took a deep, calming breath as she tried to settle her heart.... "I-I know....." she began to say, "It's just that.I-I..." her voice faltered.

Clarke noticed the brunette's confidence disappearing and becoming nervous which was a strange feeling, in her presence Lexa has never been nervous, she's never lacked confidence and cockiness; this felt different. Something had changed between them. She could see Lexa nibbling on her bottom lip. 

Clarke's gaze became more intense. _Intentionally_. The blonde searched the girl's eyes and took a step forward, deciding to do something bold next, she was playing with fire and she was going to burn. 

"You know, I am curious?" She asked, her voice husky and low; smirked playfully. 

"Y-yeah, about?" Lexa had to swallowed hard, she saw the blonde biting her bottom lip seductively--- _Was this really happening?_

"What's wrong, Lex?" Clarke teased, moving closer to her. "I don't make you nervous, do I, Lexa?" She arched an eyebrow.

"Me? Nervous?" Lexa snorted mockingly. "Of c-course not. N-Not at all" She chuckles nervously.

Her actions showing a completely different story, the girl took another step back which only caused the teacher to take two steps forward. Lexa stumbled, almost falling into a desk. 

Clarke was sure she must have struck a nerve, but even so, the student cleared her throat purposefully and looked up at her with a curiously measured expression. 

"It's not you...I mean....Never nervous, Clarke." -- _Pull yourself together Lexa!_

"You sure?" Clarke asked giving the student a playful and suggestive smirk as she stood in front of the brunette. "What is it?" tilting her chin and a defiant look in place. "What is this?" She gestured between them and search the brunette's eyes. -- _Oh yeah, Two can play that game._

Clarke knows she should've left it alone, being the adult, but she also wanted to know. --- _God,_ she wanted to know if this was truly all a game to the student and how far Lexa was willing to go with this. It was dangerous and she needed to put a stop to it or.....

"Lexa- Look at me.." Clarke said, they were standing close now- _too close_ , "Tell me." She whispered, once again searching for the girl's eyes, leaned in and traced her finger on the girl's hand. She felt the student freeze instantly. 

She patiently waited for Lexa to speak. Her heart beating a little faster-- _What. The. Fuck was she doing?_ This is not how this whole thing was supposed to go. It had backfired. She gazed up at the student and their eyes locked. Those green eyes. She had an intense urge to pull Lexa into her and kiss her. -- _Fuck!_

She wasn't sure what she was expecting the student to say or do. Clarke knew this was gonna go two ways. Either scare the girl away and be done with all of this or......

She didn't have to wait long for a second option; Lexa moved quickly to pick up her bag, turned on her heel and walked out leaving her alone with her thoughts. 

_'Damn it, Clarke!'_ She scolded herself. _'You're supposed to be the adult here, be profesional.'_ She knew this was not the right way. But she also knew that the girl was smart and hopefully Lexa would understand her true intentions behind her actions.

She took a few deep breaths to regain her composure, then glances over to the student's work on top of the desk, folded it and placed it inside her tote bag. _It was done for the greater good._ She hopes. Clarke turned the switch off, stepped out of the classroom locking it on her way out.

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoy, and again, Thank you for taking the time to read it. :-)

* * *

Lexa had not expected to react the way she did, leaving the teacher without an explanation.

The point of her drawing and the question was to tease the blonde further. 

She doesn't know where the rest of her words came from. Actually, she doesn't know where all of this is coming from. She's never felt this comfortable with any of her teachers, much less had flirted with one before.

Upon hearing Clarke say her name so softly pleading, the rhythm of her heart skipped a beat. The intensity of the teacher's gaze, her dreamy blue eyes woke something inside her, --- _God!_ Her hand still tingles from her delicate touch.

The woman is making her feel something different, she feels different and she is slowly turning her life upside down, (in the nicest possible way). She even went out of her way to be in her class, full of freshmans. 'Introduction to Art'? Really!? - _What the fuck was she thinking?_ She wishes she hadn't now. 

The problem with all of this, is that it's WRONG. She's a student and Clarke is her teacher. The slightest attraction, feelings or even the idea is forbidden. If there is even a possibility, she is only in for a heartbreak. Who is she kidding. This will ruined her as much as it awoken her. --Deep down she knows this.

"What the fuck is going on?" She mutters as she walks the school hallways.

Lexa is having an internal dialogue and starts to tell herself ---'I am smart, practical enough to understand and separate logic AND emotion! This will only bring a life of chaos and self-destruction. You can't just suddenly let your priorities vanish, Alexandria.'

Clarke is gorgeous and can't deny the fact that she is attracted to the teacher but ...Teachers are off-limits. PERIOD! And even though the blonde came on to her strong just minutes ago, she finds it very difficult to believe that they could possibly have something. 

She knows exactly what the blonde tried to do in the classroom, she's not dumb, she flipped it around, she was testing her. _Of course she was._ The teacher's mission was accomplished, she got the message. Loud and clear. This was the exact reaction the blonde wanted from her. It was a _take it_ or _leave it_. Clarke had put a stop to her game, leaving her no longer in control. She failed. 

She closed her eyes and replays the scene in her mind once again. -- _Fuck! _,Clarke's husky voice replaying in her head, the way she was looking at her with those predatory ocean blue eyes. --That was not real. _Nope. Nope. Nope.___ She had to shake her head to clear her thoughts.

But, you know how there is always a _'BUT'_ to everything? 

Well, she still wonders --But Is it possible that this could be real?  
\-- _No._ There is no way. Lexa snorts. -- _Ah!_ Yes her young foolish heart. 

Even if there was the slightest chance a woman like Clarke would never see this as more than a heat of the moment type thing, a teenage girl with a crush on her Art teacher. 

Clarke was right. (Of course she was not gonna tell her that). But this needed to stop here. There could never be a 'Lexa and Clarke'. _But why is she even thinking about this?_

As soon as she walked out of the school, she hears someone call her name, she immediately recognizes that voice. Olivia is jogging towards her. 

"I need a ride, please?" 

"Sure." She answered and she can see the girl smile as soon as the words come out of her mouth, wrapping an arm around hers and leaning over to rest her head on her shoulder. 

Olivia tells her about her day as they walk across the parking lot, they laugh about how Miss Reyes almost blew up the entire school during their first class experiment. 

After that Lexa ignored the girl, she was too deep in thought replaying the scene in her mind for the hundredth time. -- _'Did Clarke call me Lex?'_ Realization hitting her. " _What's wrong, Lex?"_ She said. - _Oh my God!_ She sure did!

"Lexa! Are you listening?" She heard Olivia ask.

"Yeah, Sorry! Just...thinking." She replied pushing her thoughts away-for now. 

When they reached the green Saturn she climbs into her car and starts the engine. 

She sees Miss Griffin looking at them, for a second making eye contact as she opens the door to her Jeep. She must've walked right behind them. --Lexa wonders.

She also notices how the teacher is eyeing Olivia--- _Oh, No. What if she thinks we're together?_ She is starting to panic internally, wishing she could tell the teacher that they're not.

\---- _Wait. Stop. Why?_ She shouldn't care and tries her best to ignore the weird feeling in the pit of her stomach, places the car in gear and takes Olivia home.

* * *

They have seen each other pretty much every single day after the 'incident' even though she doesn't have Art Class. It's either on the hallways, the cafeteria or the teacher's lounge. (Yes, she is still picking up Anya's mail.) Their eyes meet every time and it's either followed by a nod or a polite smile.

It is Thursday and she does have Art class that day. She's dreading to go, because she doesn't know how to act around the teacher anymore. She already apologized but continued to flirt shamelessly. So, at this point apologizing to the blonde seems meaningless.

She has mentally prepared herself all week to treat Clarke as any of her other teachers; with respect and a simple 'Yes, Ma'am' and 'Thank you, Ma'am'. - _Easy._ She only hopes to execute her plan and not fail. 

Lexa makes it to the Art classroom, as soon as she puts her stuff down on her desk, she goes to greet the blonde, "Hello, Clarke." She whispered.--Forgetting completely to execute her plan. She had failed. She couldn't help it.

But Clarke, without even looking up, continues to write something on paper and tells her to go to the Principal's office.

Lexa nodded her head and gave the teacher a nervous smile, even though the teacher didn't make any attempt to look up. 

She gathers her stuff and heads out of the classroom.  
-At least, that went well. She thinks and wonders why Indra has requested to see her, or has she? Or was it Clarke that had sent her to the principal's office? 

-Crap. She starts to take long strides towards the school office. 

When Lexa makes it inside the school office, she sees Jasper and Maya in deep conversation. The boy has his 'game face' on. 

\-- _The boy can dream._

Without interrupting she goes straight to the principal's office.

"Principal Forest?" She knocks softly. 

"Come inside." Indra greets her and tells her to have a seat right after she steps foot inside her office. Lexa can feel the tension right away.

"Is everything ok?" She asked, worriedly. --- _Shit!_ What if Miss Griffin has told on her, about the flirting, her immature behavior. She saw her life flash before her eyes; College, her dreams, Gone! _For what? She didn't even get to hit first base for Fuck's Sake!_ She can feel the panic creep in. 

As if sensing her internal distress Indra speaks again, cutting her worries short.

"Your father called this morning, asked me to draw a line between 'Principal' and 'student'. ....Truth is, he found out about the internship; that I had gone out of my way for you to get it." She pauses. "Lexa, I know...."

"That's fine, Principal Forest." She cuts Indra mid sentence. "This was expected to happen, I'll handle it."  
She goes to stand up.  
"Thank you." She says and starts to walk towards the door. 

"Lexa, wait!"  
Indra stood up from her chair and speaks in a low voice. "I'm sorry, I would love to help you more, you deserve it, you truly do but ..." Indra hesitates.

She noticed her principal having difficulty expressing herself, she can also see that she is trying to choose her next few words carefully. 

Lexa knows, she understand that her father is a powerful man. His company funds different programs at Polis High, not to mention Arkadia High - the Elite private High School in Easton. She knows Indra's hands are tied. 

"I understand...Thank you. Teacher," she gives Indra a comforting smile. "But as said before, I'll handle it." 

She gave her another light smile and walked out of her office.

* * *

Lexa is livid, shaking her head in disbelief walking towards the school exit. 

How could her father do this to her. She's worked so hard to get this far for him to easily come and ruin everything. 

There is only 25 minutes left for Art class to be dismissed. She can't do it, she decides to leave for the day, it is her last class after all and she is sure Clarke will not mind.

She took quick steps towards her Saturn, opened the door and climbed inside, she was on the verge of tears, but gulped them back. 

It was too much. When she turned the key, the engine started but quickly died. She turned the key again and the car made a clicking noise, and was met with silence.

"No.No.No." she said turning the key again and again. Each time, silence. Nada. The engine was completely dead. 

"Fuck! Fuck! Not now!" She shouted.

She steps outside slamming the door and starts to kick the car.

"You stupid worthless piece of shit!" She kicked it some more. "Fuck!" She shouted running her fingers through her hair.

\-- _What the fuck is happening_ , today nothing seems to be going right. She felt crying. _But not now. Not here_ \--She told herself.

"Hey, Hey! Calm down." A voice came from behind, feeling a hand on her shoulder and when she spun around she was met with Miss Reyes. 

"What happened?" The teacher asked, blotting her eyes.

She tried to regain control as much as she could and answered gesturing to the car "It's dead." 

"Well, the car is older than my grandma Lexa but let me take a look, its probably the battery. Pop the hood."

Lexa did as told and stood beside the car helping Raven lift the hood. She is looking at the teacher with an amused smile and a raised eyebrow as she begins to check on the engine. 

She has known Miss Reyes for 3, close to 4 years now and she's never interacted with her this way at school. Even though she is her cousin's best friend, Raven has always drawn a line at school, explicitly Teacher-Student relationship. Not even a smile. But she thinks this Senior year is different, maybe it has to do with the fact that she no longer has a class with her. 

"Lexa, it's probably the battery but there's also no motor oil, did you know you had a leak?" Raven asks. 

"Yes, and it has a lot of other problems..... I just..I didn't have the cash....the guy told me as long as I keep checking it and not let it run out of engine oil it was gonna be fine."  
\--- _Fuck!_ When was the last time she checked?

"What the hell? How were you driving this car?" The Latina asked, shaking her head, chuckling.

"The engine was grinding horribly this morning" She sighs, -- _How could she forgotten?_

"Can I still fix it?" She asks most importantly.

"Well, it will be a lot cheaper if you actually bought a newer model." Raven laughs. 

Lexa almost throws Raven one of her death glares if she wasn't thankful for helping, instead she gives the teacher an unamused look.

"Or...yes you can TRY to fix it, but I wouldn't recommend it, like I said buy a newer model." Raven tells her.

She sighs deeply and proceeds to kick the tire again. "Damn it!"

Raven chuckles, "Ok, calm down there Jackie Chan, the car is already beat up, you need a ride?"

"No, I'm going to wait for it to be towed." She said declining the nice offer. 

"Okk. Have a good one Little Woods." The teacher tells her already walking to her car.

"Sure. So far, so good." She mutters.

 

* * *

30 minutes later, she's outside signing all paperwork to junk the car. --She trusted Miss Reyes' inspection.

When she's done, she asked the guy to give her a moment to empty everything out of the car. --- _No_. That's a minor Lie. She had already taken everything out. She needed a moment to give her farewells to her most loyal companion. 

She knew this was coming, but she didn't think it was going to be this soon although all signs pointed to the inevitable; it was time to get a another car. 

She was sad. The Green Saturn wasn't just any car. It had a life of its own. Or, more accurately, this car contained her life. With this car, she was supposed to drive and cross a few state lines — by herself — to start a new life in New York City. 

Taking a deep breath she says "I should've named you Hulk." She chuckles, "It's been swell, buddy." 

She taps on the Green Saturn indicating it's ok for the bearded guy to head out.

She smiles a little because the bearded, tattooed guy reminds her of her Uncle Nyko, Anya's father.

She goes to sit on the grass, sun shining down. She's not sure what she's waiting for. Anya is already gone for the day. Her friends don't park on this lot. She hasn't called a cab, she should, but she hasn't. 

She sees Miss Griffin come out of the school and she is walking over to where she is sitting down.

"You do know there are negative consequences associated with skipping class?" The blonde asks. 

"It's Intro to Art, I'll live." She replied with a tone of annoyance, not meeting her eyes. 

"I never took you for the type of student that doesn't care." The blonde said, searching her eyes. 

"Why do you care, Clarke?" Lexa spat, her eyes narrowed speculatively. 

\--Lexa was right. _Why am I even asking?_ Clarke thought. But it's Lexa she was not gonna give her the satisfaction of knowing. 

"Again, it's Miss Griffin. Enjoy the rest of your day, Miss Woods" She turns on her heel, she hadn't even taken two steps before she hears Lexa apologize. 

“Wait! I'm sorry, Clarke , please!” Lexa begged.

Her feet stops in their tracks at the pleading tone in the student's voice. Clarke turns around to face the girl once again. 

"I'm sorry, I'm having a shitty day and I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry Clarke." She said calling her by her name yet again. 

"Miss Griffin." Clarke corrected her.

"Oh, Come on, Clarke I think we are way past that don't you think?" The girl gives her a sly smirk. 

Clarke looked at her with muddled irritation. She scoffs. -- _This girl._ She thought to herself. Then she turned and started to walk away. 

"Wait! Wait! I'm sorry!" -- _Damn it!_ It's involuntary. Why can't she just stop!? She runs past the teacher and goes to stand in front of her. "I'll stop. Ok. I'm sorry. I just....I need a ride. Please." She says with both hands clasp in begging gesture. "Please." She tilts her head and makes a pouty face.

Clarke had a look in utter amazement. -- _She can't be serious._ She thought to herself. She tried hard but could not suppress a chuckle. "And what makes you think I'll even consider giving you a ride? Where is your car?" Asked Clarke.

Lexa gestures over to where she usually parks her car and sighs, "We parted ways like Angelina and Brad." 

Clarke flashed a smile at her. 

The sun was shining down on the teacher's pale skin. Lexa could not take her eyes off of her. The way the sun made her hair look like a golden halo.--' _God she is so beautiful'_ ; her sparkling ocean blue eyes. The blonde was the essence of beauty, a goddess of the sun. It was a breathtaking sight. 

"I can't." The goddess said transporting her back to her cruel reality. "Take the bus."

"Please, Clarke. Buses don't even run close to my neighborhood. Pleease." She begged again. --she can't remember last time she's said please this many times. "Almost everyone is gone for the day, I have no one, Anya already left..."

\-- _Ok. Yes._ She could call Anya and she did decline Raven's offer but this is....different. It's Clarke. It could be the only good thing happening to her this whole damn day.

She heard the blonde make a hesitant sort of noise. "Fine. C'mon." The blonde tells her already walking towards her Jeep.

* * *


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * * *
> 
> I hope you all enjoy, and again, Thank you for taking the time to read it. Next chapter full of drama then it's back to Clexa.
> 
> * * *

* * *

Clarke saw Lexa eagerly run back to get her things as she stepped inside her car. She glanced out the window making sure no one was around the parking lot. 

She knows she shouldn't have agree to give the student a ride but how could she not. Lexa is Anya's cousin. Anya would appreciate it, she reassures herself.

The brunette steps inside the Jeep and gives her a smile. As soon as the girl is buckled up, Clarke placed her car in gear and pulls out of the park lot. 

"Thank You." Said Lexa. 

"I want you t.."

"Oh, I know Clarke." Her smirk plastered on.

Clarke chuckled and rolled her eyes, choosing her next few words carefully she said, "This won't happen again. AND I am not doing this _for you_...." she nods, then adds. "Anya would've never forgiven me if I'd left you there."

\--- _Yeah. Sure Clarke._ You didn't even believe that one. Lexa thinks. "Thanks, Clarke! What a good friend you are." She tells her not hiding the sarcastic smile.

Clarke ignores her. There is only awkward silence. No one speaks. 

5 minutes into silence, Clarke sees Lexa unlocking her iPhone, starts touching the system screen. --- _Ah._ She's pairing her phone to the Bluetooth. 

Coxcomb Red-Ohia starts playing. 

(((( I wanted that heat so bad / I could taste the fire on your breath And I wanted in your storm so bad.....)))

She glanced at Lexa, who lets out a heavy sigh, slumped back into the passenger seat, shoulders hunched singing melancholically. --- _She is so dramatic._ Clarke thinks.

(((((....I watched you hold the son in your arms while he bled to death. He grew so pale next to you. The world is so pale next to you ....))))

Something is obviously wrong with the girl. She doubts it has to do with her car, curiosity gets the best of her, so she stretches her arm to turn the music off, the brunette turns her head to give her an incredulous look. 

"What?" She asked.

"That was the best part of the song." Lexa sighs deeply and sinks back into the passenger seat yet again.

"Don't tell me this is because you're gonna miss 'Gumby'?" She says sending the girl a light smile. 

"What...Wouldn't you miss 'Snoopy'?" Lexa teased referring to her white Jeep, then smirks. 

"Snoopy?" Clarke slowly turns her head, squints her eyes to look at the brunette. "Uhhh, really? It's a Trailhawk!" She exclaims with a tight lip smile, "Storm, Dagger, White Tiger....?" 

"Fine!! Princess Leia." Lexa retorted, with a toss of her head.

"Fine!" She retaliates. -- _What a dork!_ But she is smiling.

With a big smile still in place, Clarke tries to focus back on the road and with the corner of her eye, sees that the brunette's head is still turned looking at her with soft eyes and tugging a sweet smile at the corner of her perfect plump lips, that perfect mouth... -- _What hell Clarke?_ This is just getting ridiculous! She tells herself.

For more than a minute they sat there silently, until Clarke spoke, she couldn't hold it any longer.

"Everything ok?" She asks; soothingly. --- _Stop it, Clarke!_ ; her rational mind scolded once again.

Taking a deep breath Lexa leans her head back and chews on her lip slowly. "It's not important." The girl replied; dismissing the topic.

This was important, Clarke thought. It was so unlike Lexa. But if the girl did not want to talk to her about it, it was best to leave it alone. She did. 

Instead she went to turn the music back on, skipping to the next song, and another sad song came on. -- _Must be her 'sad/depressed' playlist._

Clarke stretches her arm to touch the system screen and starts to play a random song from her Galaxy instead.

'Do I wanna know?' Artic Monkeys. Starts playing.-- _Great!_ Why, Why this song? Why?

With the corner of her eye again she sees Lexa is watching her with a curious interest. 

They both sit quietly listening to the tune for a bit until the brunette starts singing quietly. --Sounding a lot better this time from last time she heard her.

((((((... _I dreamt about you near me every night this week. How many secrets can you keep. 'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow When I play it on repeat_.....))))))

Clarke's heart picks up a beat, first because she can't believe the girl knows this song. It's an old song, this goes back to her days in college, freshman year. Second, Lexa is not only singing but she is also looking at her as she sings the best part of the song. 

Red light, and she comes to a full stop.

It is inevitable. 

She turns her head to look at the girl, they gave each other a knowing smile and she starts to sing along.

The blonde's blues bore into green orbs. " _Do I wanna know_?"

Lexa is now giving her a very sly smile with a high-arched eyebrow. " _If this feeling flows both ways_."

Clarke still smiling. " _Sad to see you go_." -And just like that, with zero effort from the brunette she's back into her game once again. Just that this time she knows she will most definitely burn.

They both start singing together, looking at each other with smiles plastered across their faces. 

" _Was sorta hoping that you'd stay, (Baby we both know) That the nights were mainly made for saying Things that you can't say tomorrows day..crawling back t_.."

The moment is interrupted when a call comes through. 

Bellamy is calling. -And Clarke cannot thank the heavens enough. She wasn't sure how she would've gotten out of this one.

She can see Lexa staring at her handsome friend's picture on the screen. 

She picks up her Bluetooth earpiece from the dash and answers the call disconnecting it from the car's BT system then lowers the volume, music continues to play in the background.

"Hey, Bel. What's up?" She can feel Lexa's eyes are still on her. "Yeah, 7." She eyes the clock. "It's 4:25 in the afternoon," She laughs." Yes, Mom. Don't worry I won't be late, I should be telling you that." She chuckles.

Lexa can see the blonde is listening intently with a smile on her face. She didn't mean to eavesdrop on the conversation but there is nowhere else to go. They're in a car so she is forced to listen. -- _Clarke should know better _. She says.__

"No, I'm not familiar with that place....I'll put it in my GPS." 

\--- _Did Clarke say Bel or Babe? Is Clarke going on a date?_ Lexa starts to wonder.

She can see the blonde is still all smiles and giggles as she continues to listen to this, Bellamy guy. 

\--- _What kind of name is Bellamy anyways!?_ She dislikes his name already. 

There is another red light and they sit in silence again. Just the faint sound of music in the background as Clarke continues to listen to her 'friend'.

Suddenly, the blonde throws her head back and belts out a hearty laugh, jerking her, her eyes going wide, a hand almost pressed to her chest, "Whaa..?" is all she managed to say. 

-Her laugh. _God_. Her laugh it's the kind that just makes you feel really good, _You know?_ ; it's aphrodisiac. It's the type that makes you feel alive and happy. 

"That was one time... _Blakeys._ " The blonde chuckles. 

\-- _Blakeys!? Really? Is that like a Nickname for Bellamy?_

"Don't worry about it, there is no need for you to pick me up......I'll drive myself..........I know, O, I've missed you too." Clarke sighs.

\----- _Oh, I've missed you too blah blah blah_ , she mocks the blonde mentally. Stupid Bellamy with his stupid silky hair and endearing smile making her Clarke laugh. -----Why is this bothering her so much anyways? _Since when am I this childish?_ She wonders. 

"Can't wait to see you too...All right. See ya later, Blakes." Clarke hangs up with a smile, sighing happily. Then looks over to Lexa who is looking out the window and Clarke can see the perfect jawline, strong and sharp, giving the impression of clenched teeth. --- _God that Jawline_ , she is tempted to trace it with her thumb, she wants to....

"MOVE IT!!!!" A male voice come from behind and the car behind let loose a long horn blast. Apparently the traffic light had changed to green and she was delaying the traffic.

Clarke made no attempt to press on the gas. The guy yelled and honked again, screeching his tires he moved to the right lane and drove off. They both turned to look at each other and shared a laugh. 

The traffic light changed back to red again. 

Lexa turned her gaze from the window, glanced at the blonde and asked . "Hot date tonight?" 

"Something like that." Clarke replied.

"Cool." She said quietly, turning her gaze back to look out the window; feeling that weird sensation in the pit of her stomach.

Traffic light changes to green and Clarke drives off.

The whole car ride they sat in comfortable silence. Each of them lost in their own thoughts.

 

When they pulled in front of the 2 story Victorian home, Lexa quickly stepped out of her car and got all of her stuff out. Leaving the door open, making sure to keep the teacher until she had the chance to go and set her things down on the front steps. 

When she came back, she said "I would invite you to come in but...."

"Can't. Hot date tonight." Said Clarke. 

"Right." Lexa smiled.

Lexa watched Clarke wonderingly, she saw the blonde's lips parted as she hung upon her words. They stared into each other's eyes for less han 4 seconds.

"Well, Thank you Miss Griffin. Anya will greatly appreciate you for bringing me back home safely." She said softly as she shut the car door, then turns around to pick up her belongings. 

Lexa could still feel the blonde's eyes boring a hole into her as she walked up the steps; when she turned to close the front door, the teacher waved goodbye. -----And there it was again that lurking feeling in the pit of her stomach.

* * *

Lexa is feeling exhausted when she entered the house, all she wanted to do was go and lay down. 

She can't believe everything has lost its course. She had the perfect plan. She's lost the internship. Now that 'Gumby' is gone, she has no other choice but to use part of her savings to purchase a car to move around. 

As she heads upstairs she hears muffled voices coming from the kitchen. 

She recognizes Anya's right away, curiosity got the best of her and walked down and headed towards the kitchen.....

"You can't force her to become someone she does not want to be. Manipulation won't work and ..." 

She meets Anya's eyes, her cousin stops talking altogether upon seeing her. Then saw her stood up from the bar stool and walk towards her.

Lexa surged forward curious to see who Anya was talking to, and why the sudden worry on her cousin's eyes.

Her heart stops, her jaw and fists clenched when she sees him. 

Her father. 

Standing tall, his chin up and his gaze fixed firmly on her. 

He gives her a firm nod and says "Alexandria." 

"Gustus." She says also giving him a quick firm nod, then quickly turned on her heel. But before she took a step she heard him again.

"Get back here and Sit down!" he commanded in an authoritarian voice loud enough to be heard all over the house.

Her heart raced and with each frantic beat she struggled to rein her words, and bring herself under control. She had not seen her father in almost 4 years, and had not heard his voice in a little more than 2.

"I'll be upstairs if you need me." Anya excused herself giving her a comforting squeeze on her shoulder.

She inhaled deeply, regained her composure and went to sit down. "Sir?" she asked quietly but firmly as she sat straighter. 

Her father stepped closer to her and spoke firmly. "I have arranged for dinner at 6:30 today, be ready by 6, I will pick you up. We have much to discuss." 

"I already have plans." She replied quickly.

He adjusted his tie, spoke quietly and firmly, "I. don't. care. Be ready at 6." He refastened the button on his suit jacket, then strode from the kitchen and closed the door behind him.

* * *


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * * *
> 
> Ok. So it's time to stop playing games Lexa!  
> Here's where the drama, romance and falling in love begin. :-)
> 
> Oh yeah, almost forgot, the angst too.
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * * *
> 
> I hope you all enjoy, and again, Thank you for taking the time to read it.
> 
> * * *

* * *

Her strides towards the stairs were long and rushed. She took two steps at a time going up shouting her cousin's name.

"ANYA! ANYA!!" 

As soon as her cousin opened her bedroom door, she yelled. "Why the hell didn't you tell me he was here!?" 

"I did! I sent you a text." Anya tells her. "Calm down Lexa. Where is he?"

"He's gone." She replies already walking towards her bedroom. 

"Where did he go? Lex!" Anya asked following close behind. 

Lexa made no attempt on replying or stopping taking long rushed strides towards her bedroom. As soon as she enters, she slammed the door shut not caring if it would hit Anya on the face.

Quickly glanced at the clock that sits on her night stand, she has 1 hour to get ready. Knowing her father he expects her to be in an elegant bun, pearls, elegant attire for a fine-dinning establishment. 

The only reason to invite her to dinner is because this was the only way they could actually talk, the only way to get her to listen. They both would not cause any scene in front of others. She had no other choice but to get ready and go.

* * *

At 6pm sharp, there is a honk coming from outside the house.

She wore a light pink high-waist skirt that came down to her calves, white button down shirt neatly tucked inside with nude heels and her hair in an elegant bun. 

She is almost at the verge of tears as she walks down the stairs but she has to swallow them. She can't be weak. Not now.

She sees Ridley and she is more than glad that her father sent his driver; the family's most trusted chauffeur for years. He waited outside with the door already open and smiles as she approaches the car.

"Good Evening, Miss Woods." He greets.

"Ridley, it's always good to see you." She tells him and the man gives her a smile, she returns the smile; wide.

As soon as she steps inside the Mercedes-Benz S550, her smile immediately disappears at seeing her father sitting inside. 

She greets him with a firm nod. She can see him lift his chin up, clears his throat then leaned into the open window and murmured something to Ridley.

"Yes Sir." Ridley replies with a firm nod, then stepped inside and shifted the car into drive. 

The whole car ride was an awkward silence. No one dared to speak until they reached their destination; Arkadia's Kitchen, a fine-dined restaurant she's never been before. - _Of course._

Ridley came to open her father's door and valet took care of hers as instructed by her father.

"Will you be checking any belongings, Miss Woods?" Ridley asked.

"No, Ridley. Thank you." She replies kindly.

After confirming their reservation, Ridley sends a smile and a quick wink her way before he steps back inside the car and drives off. 

The host escorted them to their table, she walks directly behind him with her father following her. 

She sits up straight, and makes sure to keep her arms (including elbows) off the table as she was told by her father many times when she was only a child.

They eat in silence. Both barely touching their food. It is not until they are done that her father speaks. 

He sits back confidently, steepling his hands below his chin.

"Can you imagine, the surprise I received when Cyrus Vance called me _personally_ , telling me how my daughter, my only heir is begging for a position in his office." He goes to fix his tie a little before he continues. "Alexandria, have you not embarrassed me enough by going to that public school. But now you also want to humiliate me by asking for alms; to my closest friends."

There is a small pause, he swirls the wine to aerate it then brings it to his mouth taking a small sip as she sits quietly, listening.

"Listen to me Alexandria, you will graduate as Valedictorian at the _END_ of the school year. You will let go of this stupid NYU obsession you have, instead you will attend Harvard. I will set up a meeting with Thomas this upcoming week to discuss about your future."

Lexa could feel her blood boiling. Money, influences, making it easier than ever to buy her way into Harvard. 

"And if I don't?" She asked defiantly.

"Do not test me Alexandria! I have entertained your childish behavior for far too long." He warned firmly close to raising his voice, but continued to speak in a clear and concise tone. "When you are ready you will take over the company. I need you prepared and ready as soon as possible. Do. You. Understand?" 

There was an uncomfortable silence between the two as they glared at each other.

"No one undermines my authority, much less you." He threatened again.

Lexa grew livid with passion, and gripped tightly the cloth napkin that sat on her lap. She took a few deep breaths to regain her composure. 

When she trusted herself to speak again she glanced straight ahead and that's when her eyes settled on a blonde; it was Clarke walking side by side with who she made out to be Bellamy guessing by the silky hair and smile. 

The blonde walked with a massive smile on her face, Bellamy holding her hand with a firm grip. It was the perfect image of a perfect couple in love. Suddenly the feeling inside her worsened almost making her feel sick to her stomach.

The blonde looked absolutely breathtaking, tonight she didn't look like no teacher, she looked like a woman. The white dress she was wearing gently hugged her tantalizing curves, her straightened hair fell in loose on her shoulders and her lips shone from the gloss on top of the red lipstick. Lexa was sure the blonde had pulled in every gaze her way as she strolled down.  
\--She didn't blame Bellamy for having a firm grip on her. She would do just the same.

Clarke didn't see her sitting there at first until she settled on her seat. They sat only a couple of tables away, with a clear view of each other. Clarke's smile was so wide it must have hurt her cheeks. Lexa thought.

When the blonde finally glanced up, she met her eyes and Clarke's smile slowly disappeared, a stillness came over them and their eyes locked for a moment. Blue on Green. Green on Blue.

"Alexandria." Her father said bringing her back to reality. 

She quickly turned her attention to him, looked at him straight with narrowed, rigid and cold green eyes. Before she spoke she drew in a deep breath and said "I'm done entertaining this perfect father-daughter farce." 

She got out of her chair, throwing the cloth napkin on the table near her father's wine glass, almost making it spill.

Her father’s eyes flared. 

“Sit Down!” He yelled in outrage, his loud voice causing a few heads to turn their way including Bellamy and Clarke's. 

Lexa quickly glanced at the blonde and notice she was now looking at her with concerned eyes. 

"Can you---Can you sit down. P-Please." He said raising both hands to loosened his tie and unbuttoned his collar.

"I can." She said sharply, sitting back down slowly. "What I cannot do, Father, is allow you to decide how I live MY life. I decide. Same way as that day you decided to kill my mother."  
Her words come out harsh and cold, as his intense gaze burn into hers. "Do not look at me like that Gustus." She scoffs. 

She could see his lips tightly compressed, his eyes haunted. She knows she is getting to him. It is a sensitive subject for both, it's been brought up once since the accident. Last time they talked about it, caused her to move in with Anya. 

Her father goes to pickup the glass of water this time and gulped it down. She could feel her emotions rising to the surface as well. Taking all of her effort to hold back the tears that were forming.

"What's the matter, Augustus? Can't bear the truth? You and I, both know exactly what happened that night, you- you're the true cause of my mother's death." She says bringing her hand to her face trying to wipe away a stubborn tear that escaped her. 

"I made a mistake, Alexandria. I'll regret it for the rest of my life...." He says in a low voice. 

"Then learn to live with your demons! This conversation is over." She stands up abruptly, and in a calm tone adds. "Do not try directing my life ever again, because I will NOT do it. Even if I have to beg for a glass of water." She gives him a final glance with furious eyes and starts to walk away.

It is as if all is happening in slow motion- the frantic beating of her own heart is the only thing she hears with any clarity above the pounding in her ears. 

She tried to ignore the dizziness as she takes longs strides to exit restaurant. She felt another tear escape her eye and scrubbed at it angrily, she gulped the rest down.

She meets Clarke's gaze before passing by their table, her blue eyes tight and worried, as if she was concerned about her distress.

Her strides only grow faster and faster, fists clenching tightly at her sides. She didn't break her strides until she exits the restaurant and feels a cool brush of wind rushing over her face. Her palms sweaty and she is struggling to breathe. Her father does this to her. She shouldn't have agreed to this. The memories of that night coming back to haunt her again. 

"Miss, are you feeling all right?" She hears someone ask in the distant, the ringing on her ears are too much, she feels even more dizzy than before, taking deep breaths she starts to walk and tries to steady herself on the building wall. 

She doesn't know where she is going. She's never been here before. She is starting to panic, looking everywhere trying to find something she would recognize, something that could lead her back home. That's when she feels a pair of hands behind her. 

"Lexa, hey...Lexa, look at me." A soothing voice.

She tries to struggle with the pair of hands holding her arms, disoriented. 

"Please. Look at me. ....Only me." That's when her eyes connect with a pair of ocean blue eyes. 

"Relax, just focus on my breathing,"  
Clarke tells her in a soothing voice, and _God_ her voice felt like a life line. 

The blonde is cupping her cheek; and her palm feels warm against her cheek. 

"Breathe. It's Ok.....You're safe." Clarke tells her softly stepping closer to her in an effort to calm her down. "There you go." She soothes, giving her an encouraging smile.

After a minute she felt the blonde's fingers stroking down her face, going down her cheek then all the way down tracing the line of her jaw causing her neck and shoulders to softened. She was able to breathe better and her thoughts slowed down.

"You're ok." Clarke says ; soothingly.  
The blonde is still tracing her jawline with her thumb and with her other hand she can feel her tracing circles over the back of her hand. Her skin tingles feeling the blonde's gentle touch. She sucked in a shaky breath, and meet blue eyes with a shy fondness.

Upon seeing the brunette more relaxed, Clarke brought up both hands to cup her face and asked, searching green eyes again. "Are you ok?" 

Lexa nodded silently, she didn't trust herself to speak. She lied. --Nothing was ok. 

That's when she saw her father walking out of the restaurant and quickly slipped her arm around the blonde's waist, with her other hand pulled Clarke's hand bringing the blonde into her body, keeping a firm grip on her waist to avoid the teacher from falling then proceeded to hide behind her.

Clarke's eyes went wide, a startled look on her face.

"I'm sorry...my father. I just...he can't .... I-I don't want him..... to see me." her words came out incoherently, she couldn't believe what she just done, and felt her face flush with embarrassment. She dared to look into the blonde's eyes shyly. A second after, her ears caught wind of a particularly sharp intake of breath from the teacher. She quickly let go of the blonde's waist and stepped away from her, reluctantly, still very close. Her father already gone.

"That was your father? What happened?" The teacher asked worryingly.

"C-Clarke...Oh my God! Go back to your date! What are you doing here?" Her eyes now going wide, and squeezed the woman's hand, realization hitting her like a bucket of iced water, it was her teacher who was comforting her. "I'm so sorry, go back to your boyfriend, he must be..."

She was cut short when the blonde quickly interjected, "He's not my boyfriend!" She looked at her with soft eyes, "He's just a friend." 

Lexa felt even more relieved than before. Looking into soft blues she nodded her head. A second later she saw Clarke biting her bottom lip as she brought her arm up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and smiled shyly at her. 

Breath still, green eyes still focused upon the blonde's face. --- _God, she is so beautiful._ But, she couldn't stand the thought of Clarke or anyone for that matter, feeling sorry for her. 

"Still, I think you should go back." She spoke, but Clarke stayed silent. 

Moments later Lexa notice a sudden change from the blonde. Clarke looked as if she was now feeling uncomfortable, or maybe even nervous. --Was it because she had asked her to go back inside? She didn't mean to offend the teacher but it's best to keep everyone at a distance, at a comfortable distance, a distance that won't leave her exposed. She does not like to feel vulnerable in front of others. She likes to feel in control of situations, She likes to feel secure and vulnerability gets in the way of that. 

"Your father left, how are you getting home?" Clarke questioned.

"Fuck!" She said bringing her left hand against her forehead briefly. "My purse, he took it." 

"It's ok.....I'll take you." The blonde said giving her a soft squeeze on her hand. 

"Clarke no, it's not necessary go back to your date. I'll walk, I'll be fine." She assured the teacher.

"It's not a date." Clarke said firmly giving her hand yet another squeeze as if she felt the need to reassured the student, and continues to say, "Don't be ridiculous Lexa, I'm not letting you walk 10 miles in heels IN the dark." She smiled. "Let me grab my purse, it will only take a minute.....Ok?" The blonde searched her eyes for confirmation. 

Lexa hesitated a little but gave her a nod followed by a shy smile. — _Why was Clarke doing this?_ When all she has done is give the teacher a hard time, since the very first day she started working at the school. Lexa wondered. 

Her eyes still focused at a silent blonde that stood facing her- now with her eyes lit up, giving her a genuine smile. 

"My hand..." Clarke whispered and glances over at the death grip she has on her left hand.

"Oh!" Lexa exclaimed, releasing the blonde's hand reluctantly. She hadn't realized she had been holding Clarke's hand up until this very moment.  
\--- _We were holding hands all this time?_ Is that the reason why Clarke looked a bit uncomfortable. She wonders. And a gush of embarrassment came over her, words failing to come out, lowering her gaze she settled for a simple —'Sorry.'

The blonde dismissed it with a wave giving her another smile. "I'll be right back, Ok?"

"Clarkey!" A loud voice called out from behind.

Clarke's head turned to look at the person calling her name. It was Octavia Blake.

"Oh my god! Look at you!!! Clarke you look gorgeous!" Octavia said rushing to meet her.

"O, Hey!"  
The blonde ran to meet Octavia halfway and embraced her old friend in a lingering hug. 

Octavia welcomed the tight squeeze.  
"It's so good to see you!" Spreading her arms, Octavia twirled around, "Well, how do I look?" Her friend asked with batting eyelashes.

"Look at you, you're such a babe!" The blonde replies and glances over to where she had left Lexa, she sees the brunette further away now. Lexa is walking away.

"O, wait.....that girl is so stubborn, I swear." She tells her friend, and Octavia only chuckles, then took off without thinking twice. Clarke is almost running in her heels trying to catch Lexa. Octavia is right behind her.

"Lexa!" Her voice penetrates the air. "Please...Please wait." She begs and Lexa immediately stops upon hearing her plea. The brunette made no attempt to turn around, so she walked around and stood in front of her. 

"Lexa, I told you to...." --- _Oh_..... she was not prepared to see this, the brunette with clenched eyes, her nose red, and shiny tears streaming down her face. 

"Lexa...look at me,” she coaxed, much more gently this time. “Hey....” 

She took the girl's wet face in her hands and angled her head towards her own, drawing the brunette closer to her. She wrapped her arms around the girl and held her tightly against her.

Lexa sniffled softly in response on her shoulder and Clarke had to close her eyes as well, her heart ache upon seeing the girl so broken. 

When Clarke opened her eyes she saw Octavia shyly standing a few steps away giving them some privacy. 

"O," she called, "Can you go inside, grab my purse and excuse me from your brother, please?" She looked helplessly at her friend and mouthed 'I'm sorry' to Octavia. 

Octavia nodded in response and walked back towards the restaurant.

"Clarke, you don't have to do this." Lexa said clenching her eyes shut harder and hiccupping softly. 

Clarke gently brushed the tears off her cheeks with the pads of her thumbs.

“I want to,” she said in the ghost of a whisper and saw Lexa slowly open her eyes. They were completely red and in the most vulnerable Clarke has ever seen them, smeared eye makeup. 

She tried to gently wipe it off but only smeared more. She could hear Lexa's small sobs as she tried to hide her face from embarrassment. 

Cupping her cheek with one hand Clarke let out a soft chuckle. 

"Hey there, little raccoon.” She said jokingly, trying to cheer her up a bit.

"Oh God, no!" The brunette said with a weak smile bringing her hands to cover her face in embarrassment.

“It's cute,” Clarke smiled. 

Lexa looked up at her and they both smiled looking into each other's eyes. 

Clarke didn't know what this was, she didn't want to think about it, not right now. She knew she was crossing many lines here, but Lexa looks so vulnerable and broken. She pushed the feeling aside. -- _Lexa needs me_ -she reasoned—It feels right.

When she looked towards the restaurant, Octavia is already standing outside with her purse talking to the valet, her Jeep already waiting. --God knows how much she loves her friend. 

She grabbed Lexa's hand and intertwined fingers with her. "Come on, let's go." She said. Both sharing a shy sweet smile.

"Thank you, Clarke." Lexa's voice sounding hoarse and cracked.

They walked hand in hand, the blonde leading Lexa to her Jeep until she stepped inside the car, held the seatbelt for the girl to buckle up and closed the door for her as well.

Clarke turned to face her friend and immediately apologized. "I'm so sorry, O. I need to get her home." 

Stepping closer to her friend she enveloped her in a warm hug and Octavia hugged her back immediately squeezing her so tight.—She's missed these hugs.

"Awwww, of course" her friend sighs, and nudges her arm, "Now go and take care of your girl. Always the hopeless romantic." Her friend grinned chirpily at her. "Running after the girl....That was so cliche btw." Octavia jokes.

Clarke only chuckled and started to walk unsure why she did not deny her friend's comment. --She'll explain later. Lexa is priority.

After taking a couple steps away from Octavia she stops and thinks about what her friend said. " _Your girl_ " The thought sending a shiver down her spine. She shook her head to remove those thoughts, already walking she she says "If you only knew."

"What's that?" Octavia yells.

"I said, I love you!"

"Love ya too, Clarkey!" 

Smiling still, she steps inside her car and sees Lexa with her eyes closed, curled up into a ball on the passenger's seat, incredibly docile with her head resting on the arm rest, curls falling out of her disheveled bun. She looks exhausted, fragile, beautiful........

The brunette slowly opens her eyes and lifts her gaze, Clarke's heart thumped in the back of her throat when very bright emerald green eyes are looking up.

"I don't want to go home just yet." The brunette tells her, in a half whisper, her eyelids swollen, drained, exhausted. "Take me somewhere else ....please." She begs, closing her eyes again.

"Where do you want to go?" Clarke asked, noticing a curly lock of hair that had fallen forward onto the girl's cheek. Absentmindedly, Clarke reached for it, gently tucked it behind the girl's ear tracing her finger along the side of her face. 

A shudder passed over the brunette's frame, and a half sob broke from her lips. "Anywhere." She whispered, eyes still shut.

Looking at herself in the rear view mirror, Clarke gripped the steering wheel—hard, her knuckles turning white and stares into her own eyes, taking in her crystal blue eyes as if she is looking deep into her own soul ----- _Clarke, what are you doing?_ She asked herself in a faint whisper.

Once more, she decides to ignore the creeping feelings inside putting them aside as she quickly places the car into gear and drives off down the road.

* * *


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, felt like something was missing on the chapter, took sometime Until it felt right. :)
> 
> * * *
> 
> I hope you all enjoy, and again, Thank you for taking the time to read it and your comments!
> 
> * * *

* * *

 

 

_"Clarke. Baby." A faint voice pulling her out from her slumber. "Beautiful, wake up."_

_Feeling the softness of the mattress, a sleepy groan escapes her. She hears a shutter sound and blue eyes finally flutter open._

_Her eyes feeling very heavy as if it has not been enough sleep. She rubs the drowsiness away. The room is dark, only the moon glow reaching through the sheer curtains to illuminate the bedroom._

_"Clarke." The sweet sound of her voice calling for her again._

_It's her girlfriend._

_Khloe is kneeled on the bed, whips out her camera starts snapping pictures of her._

_Her eyes wide opened as she realizes what she's doing and goes to hide her face, "No.." she groans, her voice sounding groggy "Stop it, I look a mess." Nonetheless, she smiles shyly at the girl._

_They're playing the photo-taking game again, Clarke only pretends to hate it but in reality she enjoys this little things from Khloe, she once told her years ago it fulfills her, makes her fall in love even more, --her passion being photography and the love of her life; her perfect muse. It's pretty corny and cheesy, but nonetheless still sweet and cute._

_"Never -Clarke, you are so beautiful, I can't get enough of you." Khloe straddles her and places a soft kiss on her bare shoulder. "One more. I promise."_

_"No, you always say the same," she chuckles and brings her hands up to her face, in an effort for Khloe to stop taking any more pictures._

_A quick glance at the bedside clock, tells her it's just 1:30 in the morning. It's not even close to time for either of them to be awake yet, so she settles back in the bed and closes her eyes in an attempt to go back to sleep, pulling her girlfriend to rest on her chest._

_"What time did you get in?"She asked in a soft tone, bringing Khloe's hand to her lips and placing a light kiss on her knuckles._

_"About half an hour ago. I'm sorry, I couldn't help it." She looks up and meet her eyes, removing the sheet that covers her chest and rests her chin between the valley of her bare breasts.  
"I missed your face." Her girlfriend smiles sweetly and places a kiss on each nipple fully waking her body._

_"My face?" She questions giggling as the photographer buries her face in between her breasts._

_"With these in front of me ..." She sighs deeply, and kissed each of her nipples sending shivers down her spine._

_"Klo...Ah, I-”. She breathed the rest, and heard her girlfriend growl._

_"Mmmmm......don't blame me. It's your fault, you like to sleep naked."_

_They both giggle._

_After a calming silence with a puzzled frown she sat up and murmurs, "I thought you said it wouldn't take past 11 tonight."_

_"Clarke."  
-It's a warning. She knows. They're been together for almost 4 years._

_"I'm just ..." she said running her fingers through her hair. "Well, I thought we would spend sometime together tonight. It is why I came home early."_

_She heard her girlfriend sigh in annoyance already rolling over to the side._

_"You know these things can take longer, I have no control over it. All I wish is to be here with you, we hardly see each other anymore. But you already know that," she scoffs. "I shouldn't be explaining myself."_

_Her girlfriend removed herself completely from the bed and mutters under her breath. Just enough for her to hear. 'Someone's gotta bring a steady income' She heard._

_"Now. That's not fair." She sighs and scoffs. "What are you saying, what I provide is not enough? It's paying the bills." She's more than wide awake now._

_"I didn't say that."_

_"You did! What the hell Klo? Talk to me."_

_"You know what, Clarke -I'm exhausted." Khloe raises both hands in surrender. "I just pulled more than 12 hours today, it is why I fucking hate weddings."_

_-It's true. Khloe hardly accepts to do any wedding gigs, unless it's for a close friend. But it's been a difficult month- financially for both, due to some unexpected expenses. Clarke can see the hipster-haired girl starting to get upset._

_"Aaand I still have to sit this week for hours in front of the stupid computer and edit photos." She watches her sit back on the bed evidently exhausted from the day she's had._

_As always guilt rushes over her. She knows how much her girlfriend works, how she has taken care of her ever since they eloped from Easton to pursue their dreams in New York City. If it weren't for her, she doesn't know where she would be or who she would be right at this point in her life. She goes to sit beside her and holds her head against her chest. They fall silent for a moment, and she lets out deep sigh._

_"Ok. Tell me, what is it?"_

_"Nothing." She replies, trying to be cautious not to press any more buttons._

_"Baby, please." The sound of exasperation evident in her tone. --Her girlfriend also knows her too well._

_"I just," she hesitates. "Effy called me around 11:30, asking for you. She said you weren't answering your phone and....well that, you left the wedding around eleven."_

_She's unsure of what she's asking but she felt her girlfriend freeze instantly as the words left her mouth. Seconds later she hears her chuckle._

_"Yeah, I was shooting outside with the bridesmaids. You know how Effy is." She tells her leaning in to give her a goodnight kiss on her lips and slumps in the bed, groaning in exhaustion._

_Clarke cuddles up to her but is unable to fall back asleep. A few minutes later. She lays flat on the bed, massaging her scalp, fully awake. She shivered from the cold, and from the crazy thoughts flooding her mind_

_"Clarke, babe, what's wrong?" Khloe's voice sounding half asleep._

_"It's nothing." She says. -Yes. There are many things that are wrong...Do you still love me the same? She wanted to ask._

_"Then why can't you sleep?" Asked Khloe._

_"I don't know, I guess.... I'm just thinking about everything."_

_"You know I love you AND only you right?" Khloe asked, reaching for her to hold her in her arms, placing a kiss on her forehead. --She's always known when to say the right words to clear her doubts._

_"I know." She breathes closing her eyes to go back to sleep realizing how silly she is being._

__

 

 

* * *

 

 

Alexandria Woods. It was Lexa. She had her 17 year old student sleeping inside her car.

_Stupid. Stupid._ How could she be so stupid. She abandoned her friends, whom she had not seen in more than 8 months so she could comfort and elope with her student.

How could she possibly justify the way she touched her face, hands, the way she held and comforted the student. How could she be so reckless, what if someone from school would've recognized them?

Her eyes glaze over her hands as if the culmination of everything that had transpired between them for the past hours lies in her hands. 

Clarke clutches her hands tightly, closing her eyes and feeling the night's cool breeze making her body shudder. 

_Stupid. Stupid._ She repeats, she could not grasp the reason herself why she chose to behave this way. She brought her hands to cover her face.

 

Lexa is awoken by a pain that shoots viciously up her side, she slowly sits up, rubbing the drowsiness from her eyes. Her throat feels dry, her eyes puffy and sore from the crying she'd done. 

Cool air blew in from outside through the opened window. _She fell asleep in Clarke's car? How long had she been sleeping?_

She scans the place, rubbing her shoulder it hurts due to the uncomfortable position she slept. She recognizes the place right away. _But why is she at the park?_ _And where is Clarke?_ She sat up straighter, rubs her tender eyes once again as the memory of the last 2 hours slowly returned to her. 

She glances to her right and that's when she sees the blonde, sitting on top of a picnic table, her elbows resting on her knees, supporting her face with one hand. She sat motionless.

Before Lexa steps out of the car she removes her heels and tossed them aside. Stepping outside barefooted she inhales deeply upon feeling the cool and roughness of the cement.

She walked towards the blonde and Clarke must've felt her presence because the teacher quickly looked up to meet her as she approaches the table. 

Clarke awaits, with a dazzling smile---the sweetness she is showing in her eyes and dazzling smile making Lexa's breath caught in her chest. -- _God_. This woman and her smile. It's almost making her forget everything.

"Hey." She said delicately.

"Hi."  
It comes out barely a whisper.

Lexa sits leaning with her elbow on the table, supporting her face with her hand, so close to blonde that her body is almost brushing the blonde's leg. 

She looks up to Clarke. "How long have I been out?" She asked.

"Not long." said Clarke, with her soft smile.

They sit quietly for a few minutes, comfortable in the quietness of the soft night breeze. Clarke looking up at the sky and Lexa looking straight ahead. They're the only ones there. 

"I was 8 when my mother was killed in a car crash...." Lexa speaks in a calm, quiet voice.

"Lexa..." the blonde said, her gaze never leaving the student's face, hoping to convey with her eyes that she didn't owe her any-kind of explanation. —Truth was she didn't want to know. Clarke didn't want to know more about the brunette. Knowing more about her will only bring them closer and she can't have that. She can't let that happen.

"I want to." The student countered and Clarke only nodded her head. 

"That night," she continues "My mom and I had just gotten back to town from California, we were visiting Uncle Nyko and Aunt Ella, for the summer —Anya's parents." She said and Clarke nodded her head again. "We weren't supposed to be coming back for another week or so, but my mother missed my father, it had been more than a month we had left. We both decided to come back, we wanted it to be a surprise. When we got home, it was around two in the morning and....we...found him .....sleeping...wrapped in another woman's arms. In our home." A sob escapes her. "I remember, my mother taking my hand pulling me out of their bedroom, grabbing the car keys. I didn't know where we were going. So, I just sat in the back buckled up looking at my mother loosing it, crying. God, she was crying, broken and there was nothing I could do to ease her pain. I sat speechless...." Her voice broke and tears began to fall once again. 

Clarke moved to sit down next to Lexa, and fought the urge to pull the girl in her arms. It took everything out of her not to. —Instead she reached for her hand giving it a comforting squeeze. She didn't say anything, and silently listened as Lexa continued to describe in vivid detail the circumstances surrounding her mother's accident.

"I-I...I was there Clarke..." she tried to speak between her sobs. "It should've been him... or me, not her, if only I would've reminded her to put on her seatbelt..I--" Lexa shook her head frantically as more tears streamed down her cheek.

Clarke stood up, she didn't have the energy to debate with herself any longer. Her arm stretched out and pulled the brunette up into her, wrapping her arms around her waist and the brunette collapsed in her arms.

"It's not your fault, Lexa. You hear me?" She comforted. "We all make mistakes once in our life. Sometimes, it's best to let go or all of that in your heart will consume you." She whispers.

Clarke could feel the girl trembling in her arms, she clutched her arms tighter. Then guided her head to nuzzled into the crook of her neck, a few sniffles becoming muffled in her dress, as the student buried her face deeper into her neck and wept. She could feel Lexa's tears wetting her skin and gently stroke her back to ease her pain. 

The girl's devastation tore her, a few tears escaped her, but quickly wiped them from her face, she didn't understand why this was affecting her this much. ---Maybe they aren't so different after all. Both have been through a lot, and if the girl could find some comfort a in her arms. She will give her that, the least she could do. Now, some things were becoming more clearer to her, the girl being a 'Woods' attending public school, drove an old beat up car when her father owns one of the largest Architectural, Engineering and Construction Firm in the nation. Polaris Corp. 

They stayed like that for a few minutes until Lexa's cry eased to the occasional hiccup and sob. 

"Clarke. I'm so sorry." Lexa said removing herself from her, swiping at the dampness of her cheek. The girl's eye widen when she took notice some mascara smeared on her white dress. "Your dress, it's ruined ....I-I'm so sorry." 

"Hey, it's ok. You don't need to apologize for anything." Clarke said with soft eyes stepping closer to the girl, reaching out and tucking the stubborn loose curl behind her ear again.

"You're fine." She reassured.

"Well, yes..." Lexa sits down on the bench, "I've been told before." She says weakly, giving her an easy smile. 

Clarke lets out a soft chuckle and a smile tugged at the corners of her lips. ---The girl is persistent. Even at her worst, Lexa still managed to pull a smile on her. Laughingly shook her head in both amusement and annoyance. 

"Well, I'm glad you're feeling better." 

"Thank you." The brunette said gently, smiling gratefully back at her. "I've never told anyone." She confessed, lowering her gaze.

"I'm glad you felt like you could trust me....It helps to talk to someone. It heals the soul." She sighs deeply.

"Feel like healing too?" Lexa asked, assuming the teacher is speaking from experience.

Clarke looks down at Lexa, even in the dimness of the evening, she could see the girl's eyes swollen and red. She looked exhausted.

"Yes! But...how about we go and grab something to eat, I'm starving." She offers her hand to help the girl up. -She's already crossed many lines today. Dinner with the brunette wouldn't make any difference at this point. She was starving too. 

"Sure,..." Lexa smiles, placing her hand on Clarke's. "But it will have to be your treat because I..."

"Hey! I asked you, didn't I?" She said pulling her up quickly. "Don't worry about it......although," she tugs a smile glancing at the student "Don't expect Autumn harvest Quail." The blonde teases.

Lexa rolled her eyes and smiles as they walk hand in hand towards the car. —It was like second nature. The blonde's small hand was a perfect fit on her much larger one. --God. Her whole body shivers. Could Clarke feel it, too? She wonders.

They stepped inside the car and buckle up. 

"So, where are we going?" Asked Lexa.

"Don't worry," the teacher gives her a wicked smirk. "You're about to have the best and greasiest Philly in town." She laughs and her eyes twinkle with amusement. 

As soon as she pulls out of the parking space and drives down the road she yells. "To the Dropship!" 

Lexa throws her head back and burst out laughing.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It is a little past 11 on a school night, when Clarke and Lexa enter 'The Dropship'. A well known place in Easton, it is the go-to spot for greasy food.

During the day it's an average place that all town residents frequent but from Thursday nights after 11pm and throughout the weekend it turns into the 'Holy Land' for drunk college students. 

They walk inside and take a seat at a booth in the far corner, Clarke began to look over at the place in order to take her surroundings. However, she was quickly sidetracked by a half-naked redhead approaching their table.

"Hey ladies, what can I getcha to drink?" The waitress asked getting out her paper and pen— Bree, that's her name; Clarke nearly missed the name because of the way her vest pushed up her ample breasts.

_A beer please._ Its what she wanted to say. But she is not about to drink alcohol in front of her 17 year old student. -Yea? _That you can't do? Damn you Clarke._

"Water and a SkyKru Burger." She said.

Lexa immediately looked up from the menu with a questionable look on her face. 

"What?" Clarke asked.

"What happened to the greasiest Philly in town?" 

"I changed my mind" She grins.

"And you darling?" Bree asked giving Lexa a sweet smile, leaning over the table slightly giving them both a clear view of her ample breast.  
_\--Is it really necessary, the girl is Seventeen!!_ Clarke scolds the waitress in her mind. _Yes. Yes it is. Its all about the tips._ She says as memories flush her mind of the days she worked as a waitress, making her way through college. 

Lexa scans the menu again, without looking up at the waitress she orders, "Uh, I'll have the greasiest Phylly you have." She glances at Clarke and smiles slowly.

"And to drink?" 

"A bottle of water, please." She replied politely, eyes still focused on the blonde.

When the Bree left to place their order, an uncomfortable silence followed, the type of silence that makes your heart race of anxiety. 

Clarke would shift in her seat every so often, she kept glancing at the door or scanning the room every so often.

Lexa tried to smile at her several times to ease the tension, but Clarke would not even dare to look at her much less meet her eyes. 

"Don't worry. There's no one here from school. If that is your worry." She says a tad annoyed. -It was Clarke who had invited her here. Last thing she wanted was to be seen in her disheveled state. Lies. She's more than glad to be sitting here with the gorgeous blonde. 

Clarke kept her gaze lowered and Lexa went to stand up excusing herself in an attempt to give the teacher some space to get more comfortable. 

"I'm gonna use the restroom." She said and Clarke only nodded her head.

Taking longer than she would've, she began to walk back to their table taking notice that Bree had already brought in their order. Clarke and this chick seem to be enjoying themselves without her, Bree is resting her knee comfortably in her seat laughing at whatever the blonde is saying.

Seeing the scene unfold before her, she took longer strides to reach their table faster. "Excuse me." She said, her voice sounding annoyed.

"Oh, sorry!" The waitress quickly moved. "All right ladies, Enjoy your meal." Bree said leaving to attend some rowdy students.

The blonde looked at her with soft eyes and her attention quickly darted to her plate. It was priceless to see Clarke's eyes lit up, and quickly going for the fries. 

"Hungry much?" She teased, feeling more comfortable.

The blonde smiles slowly with the burger just above her chin. "Just a snack." 

"Insatiable appetite?" She teases her again; the mood had lightened, and tension completely gone.

Clarke rolls her eyes, but a tinge of blush appears on her cheeks. "You have no idea!" She says, smiling taking big bites on her burger.

Clarke notices that Lexa is looking at her adoringly, barely touching her food. "What?" She asked, mouth full.

"I can't believe you come here." She smiles at her.

"Used to, I haven't been here since I've been back to Easton." 

"So, you are from here?" Lexa asked.

"Yep, born and raised." She beams a smile. "You?" 

"Polis. Where did you go?" Questioned Lexa with curiosity in her eyes.

"What do you mean?" 

Clarke looked slightly confused on what the brunette meant.

"You said you haven't been here since you've been back. Back from where?" Lexa further explains.

"Uh...not far from here." Clarke said bringing her burger down; her appetite suddenly disappearing, feeling a knot on her stomach twist and turn. Almost making her sick to her stomach.  
\--What the hell had she been thinking? Leaving her friends and comfort the student was bad enough, but bringing Lexa to dinner was the final straw. What? She thought it was fine to sit here and chat cheerily as they got to know each other even more. This was not ok. 

Lexa squinted her eyes observing the blonde, she felt the immediate change in her demeanor. She knew exactly what was happening, the teacher was closing off again.

"Don't go all quiet on me now Clarke." She smiled.

"We should go...you have school tomorrow and I still need to grade some papers." The blonde said already taking out her debit card from her wallet. "Are you done?"

"Sure." She lied, she had barely touched her food but quickly moved to stand from her seat, it had been an exhausting night, and she was not going to be difficult about it. --- _Not today._ She didn't have the energy.

The entire ride was silent. Lexa pretended to be asleep slumped in the passenger seat. Watching Clarke's hands gripped tightly the steering wheel in deep thought.

When the blonde pulled out in front of her house. She placed the car in parking and climbed out the car with her.  
\--Was Clarke walking her to the door? _Yep._ She was right behind her.

"Hey Clarke." She said in a soft tone of voice, stopping in her tracks and turns to face the blonde. "Wasn't this our second date?" She smirks.

\-- _That stupid smile._ "Is it?" 

Clarke asked giving her a smirk of her own with a twinkle in her eyes, which took Lexa aback. Even more when the blonde walked closer over to her, leaned in and kissed her cheek with the faintest pressure of her lips, it was unbearably soft and whispers in her ear. 

"This was not a date." 

A dazzling smile appears on the blonde, then she saw Clarke shake her head as she walked back to her car.

"Goodnight, Lexa." Said the sweet sound of her voice.

Stunned was a bit of an understatement. She was _Totally_ blown away.

"Goodnight, Clarke." 

She stands there grinning as the blonde strides quickly towards her car. Lexa could feel the burn on her cheek where the blonde's lips touched her skin. 

Sighing deeply; dreamily -one would say, she walked inside. She thought whatever this was, it feels perfect. It's something she's never felt before. 

She changed into her pajamas and pulled back the duvet then slumped into her bed. It had been an intense and emotional night. She knew sleep was a long time coming, staring at the ceiling she thought about those ocean blue eyes until she finally drifted off.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * * *
> 
> I hope you all enjoy, and again, Thank you for taking the time to read it and all of your comments.
> 
> * * *

* * *

Her alarm goes off and she jolts awake. Staring at the ceiling groaning, refusing to get up. Every fiber of her body wanted her to turn off the alarm and go back to sleep. But she promised to help Maya before school starts this morning with preparations for the upcoming Parent-Teacher conference and there is also a very important meeting for the Debate Club that she needs to attend later today. Priorities.

Brush Teeth. Check!  
Run. -Not Today.  
Tea. -Skipping for later.  
7 minutes Yoga flexibility. -Not Today  
Glass of water. -Skipping for Later.  
Shower. Check!  
Get dressed. Check!  
Breakfast. -Not Today.

She is sleepwalking to Anya's room. Barely got 5 hours of sleep. Now that her car broke down she will have to catch a ride with Anya. The problem with this whole thing is that for her cousin, it’s hard—almost impossible— to be early or even on time. She is perpetually tardy to everything. It's disturbing, really. But for her, being late to school is not an option. Never happened, never will.

"Anya." She calls and knocks softly on her cousin's door. No response. 

She knocks again, this time more forcefully.

"Whaaat!!!?" Anya asks, groaning.

"Can I come in?" 

"No!!!!! Your purse is on the table, now. Go. Away!" Anya shouted.

\-- _Crap._ She should've thought about these type of situations before been  
mean to her Anya. - _Wait._ Maybe with the right approach, however, the eternally tardy can change her ways. 

She runs downstairs and prepares her cousin a cup of Cuban coffee. Super sweet, dark and strong; just the way Anya takes it. Then goes back up and knocks again. No response. 

"I got coffee!" She says loudly.

"What kind?" Asked Anya.

"Your favorite." She says. Then she belts out, "It's Cuban!"

"Oh, do come in." Anya tells her sounding a little less annoyed.

Lexa walked in, took a deep relaxing breath. - _Okay, You've got this._ She reassures herself and regains courage.

"Good morning!" she said brightly after she saw Anya sat up with the thimble-sized cup in one hand she goes to open the curtains to let some light shine inside the bedroom.

Anya wrinkled her forehead and straightened up, peering at her curiously.

Smiling, she sits the cup of coffee on the nightstand and sits behind Anya, placing her hands on her shoulders and starts massaging. Anya lets out a loud shriek and quickly jumps removing her hands. She is a squirming in disgust. 

"Get away from me, you evil, possessed person. What do you need?" Anya shudders in disgust putting more distance from her as much as she can in the bed, "Gah!!."

Lexa laughs, still seated on her cousin's bed. -Of course this wasn't gonna work.

At her cousin's still questioning look, she stood up, wrinkled her nose and explained, "I need a ride." She says giving her cousin her most charming smile. "My car broke-"

"Yeah-Yeah I know, Raven called me." She waved her hand and gestured for the cup of coffee. 

Lexa smiled pleasantly and passed her the cup. Her cousin releases a loud moan, her eyes rolled into the back of her head as she sips on the coffee. 

She lets her enjoy it. A minute later, her cousin hands the empty cup to her and slumps back in the bed. 

"Ok, just give me 15 or more until it kicks in and we should be good." She says dismissing her with a wave of her hand.

"Anya! What th-" is all she managed to say before Anya sat up with raised eyebrows and a sly look.

"Twenty minutes my dearest cousin, Two-Zero." The dirty blonde smirks and pulls the sheets over her body.

Lexa's mouth fall open, and her eyes widen, an appalled look crossed her face. — _Bitch, I made you coffee, almost gave you a freaking massage._

Knowing that her cousin was not taking the bait, it was time for Plan B. — _Victory stands on the back of sacrifice._ She tells herself.

"Ok. Fine. I consent. You can have your stupid Halloween party here and invite whoever the hell you want with the exception of the 2nd floor, it's off limits. You need to be ready in 25 minutes which means you need to get up NOW!" 

Anya is already on her feet, smiling. — _Of course._ She should've started there instead of wasting so much time.

"Shhit, this must be important." She says with curious eyes. "Who are you? And what have you done to Alexandria?" 

"Anya!! I'm serious, get your ass in the shower. You have 20, I can't be late." 

"There she is!" Anya chuckles and Lexa sends a death glare.

"Ok. Ok I'm going!" The dirty blonde tells her already walking towards the bathroom. "We still need to talk about Uncle Gus." 

"Yeah-Yeah. Go." She mocks her, pushing Anya into the bathroom.

"Don't touch me." Anya shudders dramatically. 

"Sorry. Now go!"

* * *

She managed to get Anya inside the car on schedule. If people cooperate by keeping the traffic moving, they should make it on time. 

"So, how'd it go last night.?" Asked her cousin, disrupting her peaceful silence.

"Same as always." She replied opening her eyes and gaze out of the car window.

"Hey, I know it's none of my business-"

Noticing Anya's hesitation, she already knows where this is going. 

"You know when people start by saying that, it usually means that in fact they don't have any business therefore they shouldn't meddle into it." She says dryly, the hint of a smirk on her face.

Anya ignores her and continues. "Lex, he is your father. He's only looking out for you."

"You're making excuses for him now?" She scoffs and glanced over at her cousin.

"No, but he wants what's best for you. Do you know how many kids out there wish they could have the same opportunities you have, but refuse to get? He's not doing fine Lex, and to hear him talk about you like that, it's..." 

"I'm not a kid, Anya." She says, and with curiosity adds, "What did he say....about me?"

"It doesn't matter what he said about you, Lexa you need to let this grudge, or whatever thing th-"

"You don't understand." She shakes her head and clenched her eyes. 

"Then make me understand. I mean what fucked up thing he could've done to get you to hate him like this. Do you really think Aunt Amelia wanted you t-" 

"I don't want to talk about this anymore." She interrupted, glad that they had already pulled into the parking lot.

"Fine. All I can tell you Lexa is that your father needs you, now, more than ever." Anya places the car in parking.

"He needs no one. Thanks for the ride." She stepped out of the car, closed the door and walked up to the school without turning around again.

* * *

"How about now?" Monroe asked.

"Umm. Just slide it a little to the left." Lexa said with hands on her waist as she observes and instructs Monroe where to get up a large poster on the wall near the cafeteria entrance.

"Lexa, that looks good." Lincoln comments.

"A little to the left and it will look perfect." She retorted.

"You know what! Lexa, come here. I swear you two are driving me insane." Monroe said with exasperation.

"Who cares if it looks all crooked, no one is even gonna look at it anyways." Lincoln adds.

"Shut up Lincoln." She counters with a massive yawn. "Go and hold it up." -Realizing why the shorter girl was doing the job that Lincoln could've easily done ages ago.-She needs more sleep.

"Wha-" 

"Go!" Both girls yelled in unison.

"Chill women, calm down." He raises both hands in surrender and walks over to hold the poster up. "There?"

At that exact moment the blonde is walking down the hallways. Clarke barely glances at her as she approaches them. 

All three students greet her with a smile on their faces and a 'Good Morning'.

Clarke nods her head meeting her eyes for a second, It's a look that's only reserve for her. _She knows._

"Look all you want, but she's already taken." Monroe says seeing that the brunette is still following the teacher with her eyes.

"What do you mean?" She asked, and sees Clarke entering the teachers' lounge, realizing something very important. --Clarke comes in even earlier to get her mail. No wonder why their time never concise. 

"Well, rumors has it that she's dating Miss Woods, your cousin. Is it true?" Monroe looks at her expecting confirmation.

"No, she's not." She hastened to assure her.

"No?" Monroe asked again, raising her eyebrows quizzically. "Huh! They eat lunch every single day, they smile at each other, Miss G even holds Miss Woods' arm when they walk. They're like always together and the entire school knows you and Anya are both gay."

"It's Miss Griffin, Monroe! Not Miss G and just because they're friends doesn't mean that they're actually dating. People are so stupid." She said with an air of annoyance in her voice. "I thought you were more mature than to be spreading rumors around." She turns to face Lincoln. 

\--She doesn't even know why she is entertaining this gossip. Because that's truly what it is. _Gossip. A lie._

"Me!? Whatever, it is what's been said around the school and you must be blind not so see it too!"

She rolls her eyes at her friend's remarks. She would continue to argue the point but frankly, she is too tired to even bother. 

— _It's not true._ She would know, right!? Anya is her cousin and Anya doesn't date. _Whatever._ She shakes the thoughts off.

"Ladies, less gossiping" Lincoln says and looks at Monroe, then his head turns to look at her and adds, "and lets try to be a little less jealous and gay."

"There is no such thing as being a little less gay, you dumb ass!" Monroe laughs. "Either you're ga-." 

"Just shut up, both of you. My head hurts. I need some water," She tells them, "I'll be right back." Her feet taking her towards the teachers' lounge. 

As she clicked the door closed behind her softly she heard Clarke's voice. 

"You and your sneaky ways of entering rooms." The blonde chuckles, her arm resting on the counter with a newspaper in hand, and the other holding a cup of coffee.

"You were waiting for me?" She asked with a smile at been caught. "Am I that predictable now?" 

"Yes and yes you are." Clarke gives her a smile. 

"Are you drinking that disgusting coffee again? Gross!" She wrinkles her nose and Clarke laughs.

"Well, I brought my coffee maker from home and I'm in charge of making it now." She says as she sips on her coffee.

"In that case, I'm having one." She walks up and stands next to the blonde to serve herself a cup.

"I thought you didn't drink coffee." The teacher raised her eyebrows and stared at her.

"That's true, Clarke"  
She smiles widely because the blonde remembered. — _This is new. Friendly. Better even._ "I hardly slept las night, I'm making an exception today. Are you tired? Listen, about last night, I want to than-," 

"Hey! Don't worry about it. Ok?" 

She only nods her head. 

"I do want to ask something of you though." Clarke moves to stand up straight.

"Name it." She responds quickly turning to face her.

The blonde chuckles then gives her one of her sweetest smiles. "First, I need you to understand that I'm your teacher Lexa and I believe...that I do deserve the same respect you give to all of your teachers, I-"

"Yes, Yes you do Clarke and I know I've been behaving so immature lately, you are so sweet, and now I'm very embarrassed because you don't deserve it -at all! And I just..don't even know myself sometimes, I don't kno-" she rambles unable to meet the blonde's eyes. - _What the hell! Get it together Lexa._

The teacher cuts off her rambling and says "Hey, slow down there." She lets out a soft chuckle. "Look. I can be friendly that's not a problem. But we can't be friends. I'm your teacher and there are boundaries that we need to keep, barriers that in fact we have already crossed." She is searching her eyes for understanding and continues. "However, given the case that we happen to see each other a lot through Anya.... I mean....whenever you need someone to ummm...talk to...If I'm visiting Anya, or by uh, pure c-coincidence we meet outside of the school. Like yesterday. I'll be more than happy to listen, but I expect respect, because truly I haven’t been feeling very respected by you over the past few weeks." She finishes. 

Lexa bites her lip and glances at the blonde, meeting those ocean blue eyes and nods in understanding. — _Clarke is right._

The bell rings and Lexa couldn't be more thankful because there is a tint of sadness creeping inside her, she doesn't think she could say nothing more.

"Thank you Clar-uh I mean Miss Griffin." She turns to walk out the door. 

"Your coffee." Clarke walks over with a soft smile handing it to her.

"Thanks." She said with a smile that didn't reach her eyes.

— _Well, Fuck._ In her head she knew Clarke is right. But she couldn't help the sadness creeping up in her stomach. _No. wrong._ The sadness felt as if it was actually sitting heavily more on her chest. _Yep_ , it was her stupid heart that was giving her the trouble. _Fuck._

She sighed long and loud, then shook the thoughts away as she made her way to class. Unfortunately that creeping feeling stayed inside. Her lack of sleep may be having an immediate effect on her mental and emotional state. She thinks. Why the hell is her heart meddling.

She once read an article that now makes total sense.  
— _And she quotes_ , 'Sleep deprivation sets the stage for a false confession by impairing complex decision making abilities — specifically, the ability to anticipate risks and consequences, inhibit behavioral impulses, and resist suggestive influences.' 

— _Yep. That's it. Fuck_ , she needs sleep. However, she will still need to think of a solid plan as a safety precaution or this will ruin her.

* * *

"So, what do you say Clarke?"

"Hmm!?" She snapped her head to look at her friends, not hearing a word of what Raven and Anya were discussing; too busy scanning the cafeteria, "Sorry, I wasn't listening."

"Halloween, we can all go out to the club, the ..." Raven says but is quickly interrupted by Anya.

"Oooh, we can go to Trikru!" 

"It's settled Griffin. You're coming out." Raven beams.

"Yeah, after the club we can all hang out at my house. You guys can stay over." Anya tells them.

"Trikru?" Asked the blonde, confused.

"My God, Clarke! You need to come out more often. We need this girls night out. We're going out this weekend and you are coming." Raven tells her.

"Oh, I don't know. I promised my mother I was gonna go and visit her this weekend."

"Fine. Next weekend then." Raven laughs, "Last thing I need is for Abby to come and murdered me, she'll make it look like an accident." 

Clarke chuckles. "Yeah, well you know how she gets." She says releasing a massive yawn.

"How late did you get in last night? I forgot you went out with Bell last night, do tell!!!" Raven teased, clasping her hands in excitement. "He's still the same sexy motherfucker? It's been a while since I last saw him." 

Clarke laughs loud and shook her head in amusement as her eyes settled on the brunette who was now sitting very closely to the same girl she saw her with the other day, taking notice how the young girl was playing with Lexa's fingers, making Lexa smile. - _Must be the girlfriend._

"Ooh, you totally got laid, didn't you?" Raven squeals. "Look at those dark circles under your eyes." 

Her eyes widened. "Shut up Raven. Students might hear you. But to answer your question, no. I didn't!" She says. 

\-- _I actually left him and O stranded and spent my entire night with the brunette that's sitting and smiling very sweetly at that petite girl over there._ She says in her mind and swallows hard. 

"Bell and I are just friends." She reassures both teachers.

"Huh." Raven says, unconvincingly, "Weird, you got that after sex look today." 

Clarke's mouth falls open and runs her fingers through her hair, she's got her hair pulled in a lazy bun today, several strands falling. She was too tired to do something else to her hair this morning. She barely slept 5 hours. 

"I'm tired! I didn't get much sleep last night." She said, wondering why she felt the need to reassured. Maybe because Anya was sitting next to her.

Raven with a raised eyebrow, giving her a sly smile said, "I wonder why then..."

"Yeah, your hair...you are definitely pulling that look Clarke." Anya teased her, smirking. 

Her head snaps to look at Anya, _These Woods women and their smirks._ Her cheeks turning a little red in embarrassment and the dirty blonde haired girl bursts out laughing with Raven not far behind.

"You two are clearly cut from the same cloth! I'm out of here." She goes to stand up, glares at Raven and mouths an 'I hate you' but the Latina blows her a kiss.

"Wait Clarke! I'm going with you." Anya tells her already standing up and both walk side by side, still smiling.

Lexa stare at her cousin and Clarke that are walking together, her eyes never leaving both. But none spare her the look, she scoffs in annoyance and glances at Monroe who mouths an 'I told you.'

— _Whatever._ She turns her attention back to Olivia.

"What?" She asked upon seen Olivia looking at her curiously.

"Who was that?" Olivia asked.

"That was Miss Woods' girlfriend." Luna tells the girl. _Not you too, Luna._

"Seriously?" Olivia turns to look at her. "Wow. She's cute!" 

"Whatever." Lexa sighs. "I have to go." 

"C'mon Lexa you still have like, 10 minutes left," Finn tells her. "Enjoy this shit, it's like your senior year. Look how many babes you could have under. Gorgeous fresh meats."

"Yeah, 10 minutes I rather not waste with you." She says bluntly. "Sorry guys. And Finn how about you stop saying 'like' so much. It's meaningless." She turns to walk away. 

"What a bitch!" Finn mutters.

"Shut up Finn." Olivia scolds him.

"Defending your girlfriend, oh No! Wait, she's not!" He smirks. "She doesn't even give you the time of the day Liv." He snickers.

"Fuck you." Olivia spat.

"I don't know but I'm sensing some jealousy here Finn." Jasper comments, calmly stroking his non-beard chin as he observes Finn with curious eyes.

"Ha, me? Jealous of that bitch? Please! Besides, I'm sure I can give you something she doesn't have Livy."

"You?" Olivia laughs mockingly. "Please! You shall never have it. Her fingers are longer than your what? 3 inch erect dick. So, yea. Dream on, filthy fucker." She stands up and strides out. 

They all fall silent at the table. Finn flares but stays silent.

Jasper interrupts the silence and leans closer to Finn. "Dude, seriously?"

Finn pushes him off, "Fuck You Jasper!" Upset that everyone at the table is laughing he stands up and leaves the cafeteria cursing everyone around. 

* * *

Thursday came fast until that day she had tried to avoid Clarke as much as she could on the hallways and cafeteria. But today she had class with the blonde. 

Clarke had asked to be respected and treat her the same as she treats the rest of her teachers. Well, this time she will not fail to abide by her promise.

She walked inside the classroom, dropped her bag on the floor and settled into her seat in front of the class, pulling out her iPhone. She could feel blue eyes on her, watching her every movement. She didn't care. She lowered her face to send a text. 

When everyone settled inside, she placed her phone back on her backpack and looked up to give her full attention to the teacher as Miss Griffin began to speak.

"Ok, guys. Today we're gonna start on landscape, look at the color wheel and start mixing up your desired colors. If you stick to my rule, you will avoid entering muddy town." She gives them a smile and meet her eyes for a blink. "C'mon, get to work."

Lexa stands up and starts working on a landscape painting at her easel, quietly.

Approximately 25 minutes later, Clarke starts walking around checking on everyone's work. Lexa can hear her complimenting each of her student's work, giving tips, here and there. 

She immediately feels the blonde when she stood behind her. Observing her work.

"That looks really good." The blonde leans over, to take a closer look. --To her, it looks like shit, but if Clarke says it's good. It's Good. "You should use a lighter blue he--."

"I thought you said it looks good?" She asked with an air of annoyance in her tone. 

"It's a suggestion Lexa." The blonde meets her eyes. 

They're close. _Too close_ to her liking if she wants to keep up with her act of indifference. A knot forms in the pit of her stomach. 

"I thought Art was about expressing yourself. I think this ocean blue looks perfect." - _You're eyes are perfect._

"Ocean blue is perfect." Clarke smiles but Lexa does not return the smile. Instead, ignores her completely and continues to work. Clarke swallows hard. Lexa is abiding by her rules. And it feels weird. It's not settling well with her. Decides to push the feelings aside and went to sit down at her easel. She looked at her, interested on the brunette for a moment in spite of the girl's indifference.  
- _This is what you wanted Clarke_. She tells herself.

They work in silence until the bell rings and everyone begin to clean up their areas. 

"Lexa." The blonde calls. 

She looks up and decides to make eye contact with the blonde. -And what a mistake that was. Clarke's eyes were truly the most icy, bluest eyes she's ever seen. Regardless to say, she started melting from the inside. 

"Do you have a minute?" The teacher asked her. 

"Of course." She replied and began to gather her belongings.

She walked up in front of the teacher's desk and waited expectantly for the teacher to speak. Almost everyone already gone.

Clarke walked around to the front of her desk, and stood in front of her.  
"I-I.....we can still be friendly, I'm sensing as if-"

Lexa knows where this is going. Narrowing her eyes at the woman in front of her she said, "Well, that's the problem Miss Griffin. I'm not friendly."

"Huh," Clarke stops and blinks for a moment. "Ok."

"What?" She asks and peers at the blonde.

"Nothing." Clarke mumbles under her breath and notices everyone in the room has left. "You're dismissed." 

"What is that supposed to mean? Tell me."

"It's nothing." The blonde shakes her head. 

"Oh no, you don't get to do that now. Because now I'm intrigued." She stands in front of the teacher.

"Fine. You say you're not friendly but I see you all around school being friendly to everyone else. I guess I'm just that exception. But that's beside the point."

"That's not true. I am not friendly." She exclaims. 

"It doesn't matter." The blonde responds, her voice soft.

"Well, your attitude suggests otherwise so tell me, Who are you talking about?" She asks and can see the blonde looking at her with curious eyes. 

"Well, she's probably your girlfriend, but it doesn't matter, Lexa." --- _What the fuck Clarke._ She scolded herself after her words came out of her mouth.

"My-wha-My girlfriend?" Her eyes widened, she's taken aback by this accusation. "Who on earth are you talking about?" 

"I said it doesn't matter, We're getting off point here. I just want you to know tha-."

"Olivia?" She cuts her off. Realization of what's happening hit her and a smile appears at the corner of her mouth. "You're talking about Olivia?" She pushes. The blonde sighs.

-So, that's her name. "It doesn't matter Lex-."

"She's not my girlfriend and of course I'm friendly with her. She's my friend." She interjects. 

They both stare at each other for a moment.  
Lexa took a step forward and Clarke backed away quickly, she peered down at blue eyes with her green eyes filled of curiosity. 

"But since we are on the subject, are you dating my cousin?" She asked in an almost accusatory tone.

Clarke scoffs. "Your cousin?" 

"Yes, Anya. You heard me. Are you two together?" She asked bluntly.

Clarke's mouth falls open. "That is certainly none of your business." Clarke starts to gather her stuff.

"Just answer the question, Clarke."

"I don't have to answer to you, you're being ridiculous." She starts walking towards the door. 

Lexa wanted her to deny it with all of her heart. "So it's all true then. All the rumors?" Lexa shouts across the room stopping the blonde in her tracks.

"Rumors?" The blonde turns to look at her, "Fine! You really want to know." She walked back to meet her halfway. "No, I don't _like_ your cousin. I am not dating anyone and I am not _interested_ on anyone. Now please get out of my classroom."

"Fine." She exclaims.

"Good." Clarke gestures towards the door. 

Lexa takes long strides to meet Anya on the parking lot. She felt her phone vibrating on her backpack, Anya was blowing up her phone for the past 7 minutes.

When she stepped inside Anya's car. Her cousin asks, "What took you so long!?" 

"Sorry, I needed clarification on something from my teacher."

Anya scoffs and makes a full stop to let the blonde teacher pass across the parking space, "Call me if you decide to go out, Clarke!" Anya shouts to Clarke.

Clarke gives Anya a smile and nods. And Lexa rolls her eyes.

For barely a second, Blue meet Green.

* * *


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * * *
> 
> **Warning!!!** There is a bit of homophobia in this chapter, Just a warning in case homophobia triggers you or makes you uncomfortable. Skip the 6 years ago memory. This will be the only time for the plot. No more of that I promise. Love is love.
> 
>  
> 
> There is no CLEXA in this Chapter :( I know! But wanted to get Clarke's story out of the way. Almost done editing next Chapter and should be up by tomorrow and It's all CLEXA-filled Chapter. :))
> 
> * * *
> 
> ****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * * *
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading. Hope you all enjoy and if you do kudos/comments are appreciated. :)
> 
> * * *

 

 

Clarke parked her car in front of the luxurious mansion and sits inside paralyzed trying to get her head around things. It took her two more weeks from the time she had agreed to visit her mother. Today, she finally took the short drive to Polis, and at this moment she is not sure if she wants to get out of her car.

She can still remember with resounding clarity all these years later the note of horror in her mother’s voice.

Too scared to speak up, too afraid to be who she wanted to be, she lived through her mother's expectations. Needless to say, she stayed in town after graduating from high school to follow her mother's footsteps and become a Doctor. Until one day everything changed. The memories of that day were imprinted on her mind as though it were yesterday.

 

#####  _ 6 Years Ago _

 

 _"Clarke! Clarke, GET UP!!!" Her mother's voice shaking with rage, pulling her naked body out of the bed._  

_Wide awake Clarke with frightened eyes, heart racing her entire body trembling once she realizes what is happening. Her mother's frantic screams. Everything is happening so fast._

_She pulled a sheet from her bed and wrapped it around her body to cover herself. That's when she glanced over to her girlfriend and saw Khloe wrestling her mother as she tried to get dressed._

_"Miss Griffin, please let me explain!"  
Khloe tells Abby._

_"I've seen everything I needed to see. Get out of my house!" Abby shouts._

_"Mom, wait..I-..." she didn't have enough time. Her mother grabbed her arm and dragged her towards the door._

_"Clarke, this is NOT the life I hoped for you. Why are you doing this to me, Clarke!!?? Why?" Abby shook her body violently by her shoulders._

_"Mom. I..." she looks at her mother scared, heartbroken. Her body was completely still. Tears sprang to her eyes. "I love her." She cried, as she removed herself from her mother's grip, and went to stand next to Khloe._

_"Mrs. Griffin. Please. I love.." Khloe managed to say before Abby shouted again._

_"Shut up!" Abby ran towards them removing Khloe's arms that were around her and glared at Khloe, she pointed and shouted, "And You. YOU ARE NEVER WELCOME HERE AGAIN. STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER. YOU HEAR ME!?"_

_"Mom, please." Clarke implored._

_"I trusted you, I let you into my house, for what? So you could come and fill my daughter's head with this!" Abby gestures between them."You come near Clarke again and I SWEAR I'll...!!" She stopped herself knowing too well, she went to grab Khloe by the arm just below her elbow and dragged her out the bedroom, slamming the door shut._

_Clarke tried to wrestles her arm out of her mother's grasp to go after her girlfriend, but she was not strong enough. Her mother's grip was steel. She felt weak. She fell to her knees in devastation. Sobbed for what felt like an hour, until she heard her mother speak again._

_"Clarke, honey..." her mother cried, "oh God I-" her words stuck in a sob as she lowered her head to her knees then looked up and met her eyes. "Where did I go wrong?"_

_She looked at her mother, and blinked, one single tear escaping her. Clarke saw it all in slow motion as her heart shattered inside and it was at this very moment she knew, she would never be the same._

_"Tell me! What did I do to deserve this Clarke!?" Her mother snapped, giving her a small shake._

_"Mom, stop..." she begged on her knees, she couldn't take any more."Please." It was barely above a whisper. If she had more tears, she would've shed them, but there were none left._

_"That's enough Abby!" She heard her dad shout entering her room._

_She ran to him. His embraced was tight, comforting and welcomed._

_"I'm sorry Clarke. It's gonna be ok." He promised._

_"Dad, but I love her." She cried softly._

_Kissing her forehead he understood, "I know kiddo. It's ok."_

_"You knew?" Realization in her mother's eyes was downright painful for her to watch. “You knew and you let this happen?”_

_"Clarke, go change. Your mother and I need to talk, downstairs." Her father told her, she hadn't realized she was still wrapped up in her sheets_.

_Exiting the room her mother turned to look at her with disappointment and disgust. That was the last memory of her, last time she saw her then. She called Khloe the second her parents left her room. Both, Khloe and her left that week; leaving everything and everyone behind, escaping from the harsh reality to seek their dreams promising love to each other._

 

19 year old Clarke believed in fairytales, wanted to live a "happily ever after" and she sure went for it by eloping with her 21 year old girlfriend to NYC. It was a storybook life. Unfortunately life is not a fairytale, where you end up marrying Prince Charming, well in her case, the Princess. Life doesn't work like that.

"Everything is gonna be fine" She mutters to herself as she enters the big house. The smell of the lasagna her mother prepared hit her as she walked through the door.

- _See._ Everything is looking up already, her mother stands in the kitchen opening a bottle of wine. Her eyes glanced between Abby Griffin and Marcus Kane.

"Hello." She greets, barely a whisper. She stands still with a smile on her face and she heard her mother gasp.

"Clarke, Honey!" Abby runs to her with arms wide open to hug her, the embrace is tight.

With her mother's arms still tight around her and her cheek pressed against her chest, "Mom-" her words were slightly muffled. She is squeezing her tightly that she can hardly breathe.

"Let the girl breathe, Abby." Kane chuckles. Kane is looking at her with a big smile.

"Oh Marcus, I'm just so excited, I haven't seen my baby girl in a long time." Abby said kissing the top of her head.

She lets out a soft chuckle and removes herself from her. She can see her mother wiping a few tears from her face as she walks over to Marcus Kane, just one arm tightened around him in a light hug. --It used to be Mr. Kane before she left. Funny how things quickly change. But that's another story to tell.

"It's good to see you Clarke." Kane gives her a genuine smile.

Sadly, she can't say the same, she settles for a light smile and a nod instead.

"Mmm, smells good!" she said, sniffing the air.

"I made your favorite." Abby told her unable to contain her excitement. "Lasagna!"

She sends her mother a big smile making a beeline for the unattended bottle of Dolcetto that still sits on the counter and immediately pours herself a glass.

"Yum!" She exclaims and sips her wine as if she's never had a glass before tonight. -- _It's not enough_. She will need something stronger tonight and goes to pour another glass.

"Clarke, so how are you liking working at Polis High? Are students giving you a hard time?" Asked Kane trying to make light conversation.

"One." She says absentmindedly. --Just one, a beautiful brunette, one that posses a pair of gorgeous emerald hued eyes. _**Goddammit Clarke**!_ She gulps some wine.

"Dealing with teenagers can be difficult." Kane tells her.

She had to swallow, hard. - _Is there any Vodka? Tequila?_ "Mmm-hmm. Yes, it is." She gulped that wine in one shot. "Teenagers." She muttered in a whisper under her breath.

"Food is served!" Her mother calls from the dining area.

They eat making light conversation. They went from her mother's last complicated surgery to Clarke's most earliest memories. They shared a good laugh. As soon as the laughter had subsided, her mother spoke.

"So, how's khloe?"

Here's her mother pulling at old scars she thought were long healed.

"I don't know, Mom."

"You know, you are both welcome to come here, anytime." Her mother smiles, reaching for her and giving her wrist a small squeeze as if she needed to reassure her that she had come to terms with their relationship.

"Mom, Khloe and I broke up two and a half years ago."

"Oh." Abby presses a hand to her chest, surprised at the news. "I'm sorry Clarke, I didn't know."

"Sure, mom. It's fine." She dismissed it.

Suddenly, there was silence, uncomfortable silence.

"So, are you seeing anyone? Dating?" Her mother asked, deep curiosity in her voice.

This is what she was afraid of. She was now in her mother's territory.

"Abby." Kane warns. But of course her mother wouldn't listen.

"Marcus, it's just a simple question. Clarke is a kind and beautiful woman, she can have any man if she wants to." Her mother beams at Kane and her. "Have you seen Bellamy? Aurora tells me he recently end-"

"Or woman." She taunts, searching her mother's face closely for any sign of distaste and deception, but saw none.

"Yes, or a woman." Her mother responded looking straight into her eyes giving her a smile — which obviously intended to reassure her, again.

"Bellamy and I, are just friends mother. Good friends." She told her, her voice coming out with a tone of annoyance.

"Yes, but he is a fine looking young man and he cares for you, protects you, I remember when you two were little-."

"Like a big brother." She said, taking a deep breath she excused herself to go to the bathroom. As she made her way to the bathroom she could hear the muffled voices, mostly coming from Kane scolding her mother.

She walked inside and gazed at herself in the mirror as memories came flooding back to her.

#####  _3 years ago_

 

_"You are liar and a cheater!" She shouted. Looking into Khloe's eyes, she took a few strides towards the girl but Khloe stopped her before she could continue with her initial impulse to slap her."I don't know who you are anymore." She pushed her._

_"Listen please!" Khloe said and grabbed her arms trying to calm her down but she pushed her off her again._

_"Don't touch me!" She took deep breaths to calm herself down. "How long?" She asked, her voice sounding more calm._

_"I didn't mean... It just happened. I-I...."_

_"When did it start?" She sits in the bed and sobs. Khloe knelt beside her and reaches for her hand. She flinched away and looked down at Khloe. "Don't." She said, her voice thick._

_"Clarke-" Khloe started but she did not give her the chance._

_"Do you love her?" She asked and searched her eyes._

_"Clarke, stop it." Demanded Khloe._

_"Do you still love me the same?" She could see the question struck the girl like a bolt of lightning. There is no response, only silence. "Do. You. still love me the same?" She repeated._

_"Do you still love me the same?" Khloe inquires._

_She made a scoffing noise and sat back, eyeing her with icy disdain._

_"I could have never done something like that to you." A sob escaped her, "I trusted you." Her heart started pounding fast again. "When did it start?" -Does it matter? No. She already broke her heart. Does it make a difference if it started last week, or a month ago ? Maybe._

_Silence._

_"Answer me!!!" She said loudly._

_"Julian's wedding..I -"_

_"For one year?" She blinked, stunned by her confession._

_"I am so sorry." Her voice sounding broken._

_"One whole fucking year and you-you're now sorry!!?? I-I." she stopped herself, took a deep breath and walked to the other side of their room and started sobbing, Khloe followed her, stretched her arm to touch her back, she flinched again and shouted. "Don't touch me, Khloe!"_

_"I'm sorry. I love you, I do Clarke, I d-"_

_"Stop it, you could've talked to me." Her voice soft._

_"I tried, Clarke!" The girl screamed. "But you were never here."_

_She blinked a few times and went to sit back into their bed, her heart dropping into her stomach. She knew, she saw it coming. Definitely not this way. They had lost their romantic spark a while back, their sense of adventure and fun. Both got off track and stopped caring about each other's needs. School, work, etc. But too afraid to speak up, to hurt one another. Now, here they are._

_"I have to go." She went to get her bag._

_"You don't need to do that. You can stay, I'll call Effy and stay with her until.."_

_"Effy, right." She said with a sneer._

_"Clarke or we can try...."_

_"I don't trust you."_

_"We can start over, work it out."_

_"It won't be the same."_

_"I still love y-"_

_"Just shut up! I am done talking to you. Get out!"_

_"Clarke.."_

_"GET OUT!!"_

_Many things were left unsaid._

 

Love is not a fairytale. She jumped all in when she first felt all the butterflies because she believed that, this was it. It wasn't.

As time passes by, it's true; it heals old wounds, you experience a couple more failures, you learn and continue to grow up. It's so unsettling though, because it’s not what you -what she was expecting and she knows that's not how it should've been.

But Maybe she can still fix it. Maybe she can give it another shot, give herself a chance or maybe she can shove all those expectations under the rug and just forget about them. OR Maybe, just maybe there is still time.

She chuckles, shaking those thoughts away.

"Sweetheart, you don't have to go, you can stay for the night. You don't have school tomorrow and it's getting late." Abby tells her.

"Your mother is right, Clarke. Are you sure you're ok to drive?" Kane asked her.

"It's only 30 minutes, I'll be fine. Thank you for dinner." She is fine. Maybe it's not the most responsible thing to do with a couple of wine glasses on her system, but she's not drunk. She is still in control and coherent to drive.

"Call me when you get home." Her mother said, giving her another tight hug.

"I will."

As she drove to Easton she dialed Raven's number asking for her whereabouts. - _Of course_. She was with Anya, slurring her words and sounding too incoherent she gathered that they were heading back to Anya's home for the after party. She agreed to meet them there and she wondered if Lexa was home and still awake.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * * *
> 
> The chapter was too long. Decided to separate it into 2 parts. Now that these two are now on the same page about their feelings. It's time to move forward.
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * * *
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading. Hope you all enjoy and if you do kudos/comments are appreciated. :)
> 
> * * *

The pressence of the roaring fire pit is providing great comfort of warmth in this cold autum night; along with all the alcohol she has consumed. After downing several tasty cocktails that Anya prepared and taking tequila shots with Raven. She's lost count. But she is still coherent enough. Or at least that's what she tells herself.

Up until this monent, she has not seen the brunette and she wonders if Lexa is even home at all. The past 3 weeks has been a bit of a struggle dealing with girl's indifference. Whatever this is, it's powerful and mutual-she thinks, there is the attraction and then there's also "chemistry", intense "chemistry". And its been so easy for her to get caught up in romantic fantasies in the past. However, in this particular predicament she finds herself in; she will never be certain unless Lexa establishes something beyond the preliminary stages of having "chemistry". Which, will make it even more difficult. 

This. Being a clear violation to social order; against all ethics and morals. It's forbidden and knowing that you can’t touch or act upon it makes it more enticing. She's always been adventurous and rebellious. But this, really is the icing on the cake.

It's like unwrapping a candy for a child and asking the child not to touch it, of course the child will develop a craving for it and the child will not only touch the candy but will delightfully savor the flavor candy.  
\-- _Yep_. Lexa is the candy and _oh boy_ does she wants to savor that candy. _But, You're not a child Clarke. You are a grown woman._

It all goes back to the first impression when they first met. _No_ , she is not dropping to her knees but she is definitely intrigued. That spark that shot to her body, struck inside her brain, the possibility that there could've been something. If only she would've known the brunette was a student, things would've been different. - _Would have? Maybe. Maybe not_. Unfortunately, it is now irreversible. She shakes her thoughts off. 

She can see that there are still a few people around, she should've just gone home instead and at this very moment she would be curled up under her covers. Anya and Raven are too wrapped up on a 'friend' each brought back from the club. Apparently they brought a few options for her, however none of them had green eyes, those green eyes that she was so desperate to see tonight. 

Unable to obtain that satisfaction, she went inside. In her attempt to make it to the guest room Anya offered her to stay in. She started feeling a little tipsy and nauseated, she reached a hand out to a wall to steady herself. She's always been good at holding her liquor but mixing different kind of alcohol has never been her thing and it has been a while since she did this much drinking too.

"The bathroom is two doors to the right."  
She heard her voice and turned quickly, almost loosing her balance. There stood the forbidden candy. Those green eyes gazing at her. She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. 

"You ok?" Lexa asked with raised eyebrows, curious eyes watching her intently.

"It is." She said. Her brain processing everything too slow. "The bathroom, I-I mean." She chuckles at herself.

Lexa's gaze lingers, and Clarke felt something inside her uncoil bringing all those feelings she had tried to deny so hard and managed to keep inside these past 3 weeks. Lexa was looking really good displaying her toned legs in a skimpy miniskirt teamed with thigh-high boots, wrapped in a black leather jacket, her curly locks were left loose around her shoulders. --She was feeling brave and at this moment she wanted to taste the flavor of this candy. _God_ , did she wanted to. _Badly._  
Lexa's outfit only confirms that the girl was out and she had just gotten back home. She wondered who she was with. _Olivia_ , she bets. 

"You should stay the night." Lexa tells her, her voice was soft. "You can sleep in.."

"Yeah? And stay in your bed so you can sleep with the Art teacher?" 

-No, wait. That's not how it was intended to come out. The little smile on Lexa's lips flickered and went out as soon as the words left her mouth.

"Is that what you think of me? That I'm just some horny teenager who wants to sleep with her teacher?" - _Of course_. How else would Clarke see her. _Just a horny teenager_. Lexa thought.

The blonde raised her eyebrows, half-laughing asked "You're not?" - _Uh_. What is wrong with her tongue tonight? She immediately regretted it when she saw that Lexa's eyes were hurt and questioning. - _What the fuck Clarke? Hurting the girl was not the correct way to push her away. It's your own fault you can't control yourself._ She scolded herself.

The blonde's words stung. Lexa felt the need to retaliate, somehow. "Don't flatter yourself too much Miss Griffin. I don't share my bed with anyone; besides there are plenty of rooms in this house that you could stay in. But you already know that." With a lift of her chin, she turned and just like that she was gone.

Unsure how she should respond to the girl's remarks, Clarke stood still and watched her go. Turns out her blood-alcohol level may be high and she should in fact listen to the girl; stay and sleep it off. Before she saw Lexa enter the room she shouted, "It was a joke!" -Her stupid drunk self.

At this point she was sure she was going to be sick so she ran to the bathroom and started emptying all the poison that was still in her stomach.

#### 

They say alcohol does not prevent self-control, it just makes you care less about the consequences. Well, that is exactly what she is doing when she opened the door and entered the room where Lexa went in, unannounced. Nope she didn't even had the decency to knock; she blames the alochol.

It's an office, not her bedroom. She thanks the universe. Lexa looks surprised at seeing her there; _Of course_ , she sat still at her desk and they looked at each other across the room in silence. 

_God!_ She wanted so much to get close to the brunnette and tell her how sorry she was for what she just said and how these past weeks had affected her. That she's seen it in her eyes and it's been difficult for her as it has been for her. -But some things are better left unsaid. She can't. She shouldn't. 

"What are you doing here, Miss Griffin?" The girl asked.

"I-" She wanted to lie, stood still, a second later added. "I-I wannted t'see how youre doing." She said, her words sounding a bit slurred. 

There is a long silence as green orbs intently are studying her. 

“You're drunk.” Lexa said, in a tone heavy with accusation.

She swallowed hard. Because _yes. Yes_ , she is drunk. They had already established that. In fact she was actually delighted in the feeling being drunk is giving her, it's providing the courage to be standing just steps away from her now.

"How're things going with your da-."

"We're not friends, Miss Griffin." Lexa interjected with fiery eyes. "Why are you here?" 

Lexa's words hurt more than it should've. She truly had no reason to be there. She shouldn't be here reopening this 'friendship'. But she is drunk. She is not making the right decisions at the moment.

Lexa saw how Clarke's soft smile went out as soon as she spat her words. But this, it was about her. As much as she wanted things to be different, her feelings for the teacher had grown, her heart was meddling now and this was no longer a game. She needed to put herself first and guard her heart. Because whatever this was, it was not gonna take her anywhere good without causing chaos in her life.

"It's all your fault, y'know." Clarke said, taking a couple steps closer to the desk. "This." She gestured between them. "You-you did this." -When drinking alcohol, the tongue is freed up to say exactly what is in your mind, right? _Why make up the excuse and still blame it on the alcohol? That just won't cut it anymore, Clarke._ She told herself.

Lexa's gaze burn into hers as she continues. "It's that...I can't....I dont..." She was unable to form sentences. "I don't know what.. it means. Tell me ..w-what _this_ is." She asked tentatively, moving closer to her. 

Lexa slowly walked over to her and stood in front of her; just a couple steps between them now. Lexa tried to look away from the piercing blue, desperately wanted to lie but she could not. She certainly wouldn’t deny the truth to the blonde, it was obvious that the blonde was there for answers. And there is that small possibility that the blonde will wake up tomorrow and she will not remember. But at this moment. Clarke was opening up and _so should you._ She told herself.

Lexa made sure to lock eyes with Clarke before she spoke gently. "I don't know, Clarke. You did this." She said as if that were enough of an answer, enough confirmation that the blonde was not alone and that she felt just the same. For Clarke, it seemed to be. She saw it within those cerulean depths. Clarke nodded her head.

-Lexa was too clever, reading her too easily. This was it. The candy was now unwrapped and now she was not allowed to touch the candy much less savor the candy. 

In the silence something more profound than words was shared between them. Clarke took a deep breath, heart racing, both giving an intense look that the two only share. Clarke almost melted at the sight, but she had to close her eyes and shook her head as if it would make the feelings communicated in green eyes disappear. 

"I don't want to hurt you." She whispers under her breath. Lexa only nodded in understanding.

They stood quiet for another moment, the two of them staring at each other. No need for words to communicate. Clarke stared into green eyes for a few more seconds before she turned around and walked to sit on the sofa and let out a heavy sigh, rested her head back looking at the ceiling.

Lexa turned and walked towards the couch with clear intentions to have a seat next to her. Clarke quickly shook her head, stretched her arm and pointed a finger at Lexa, "Nope. You stay right there. I'm drunk and I'm feeling brave tonight." She chuckles at her words.

Lexa looked at her with a glint in her eyes and that little smile of hers. - _That stupid smile_. Its nothing more than a smile; really. But its the one that makes her heart flutter.

"Don't worry. I'm not." She spoke softly; her words gentle, took a seat next to her and turned to look at her. The brunette let out a sigh, after a little silence she spoke again. "Forgiveness seem like the ultimate betrayal for me. You know. I need him to pay for what he did, I want him to bear the weight of what he did-" 

Her father. Lexa was talking about her father. "The past is over and the damage has been done, Lexa. " She punctuated each and every word. "Forgiveness. It’s not going to fix anything; It’s the decision you need to make to heal your wounds, regardless of which marks...scars he left on you."

Lexa stared at her as she thought over her words.

"And How do you know he is not already bearing his weight?" Clarke asked Lexa.

Taking a long breath, Lexa squeezed her eyes shut, and shook her head.  
-It was so easy. So easy to open up. So easy for both to talk and understand each other. It had been there from the moment their eyes met, something unique that existed between them. It was theirs and theirs alone.

"My mother and I, we were inseparable. When she found out that I was into women too, she didn't take it pretty well and I would've preferred for her to tell me to never speak to her ever again or a slap in the face than the words that came out of her mouth that day. When I left to New York City, 6 years ago, I thought I could never forgive her for what she had done to me. Tonight, I had dinner with her and it felt as if I moved forward, it feels good. More at peace. The scars are still there, but the wound is no longer open." 

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Just enjoying the peaceful silence in the company of each other. 

"Whatcha reading?" Clarke tried to steer the conversation away from their problems.

Lexa glances at her hand, she hadn't noticed she was holding the book tightly in her hand. She smiled and said, "A book." 

Clarke let out a sound, mix between a scoff and a chuckle. "No shit, Sherlock." She said and Lexa let out a hearty laugh. It was actually the first time she's heard her laugh. And oh boy, Lexa laughing is her new favorite thing. 

"It's poetry." The brunette smiled shyly.

Clarke raised an eyebrow. "You're just full of surprises, aren't you?" 

"Indeed, I am." She replied and sends the blonde a smile of her own. 

"Read some to me." Clarke said, blue eyes staring into green orbs.

"Hold on."  
Lexa stood up and walked over to the bookshelves and pulled out another book from there then went to sit back down next to her.

Lexa glanced at the blonde before she began reading out loud, speaking clearly and slowly. " _There is a gentle thought that often springs to life in me_...."  
Blue eyes gazing into Lexa's green orbs, they both shared the same knowing smile at her choice of poem. 

"... _it's reasoning about love’s so sweet and true, the heart is conquered, and accepts these things. ‘Who is this’ the mind enquires of the heart, ‘who comes here to seduce our intellect? Is his power so great we must reject every other intellectual art?_ "

In truth, it didn't really matter if she ever sorted out all she was feeling for the brunette or what the brunette was feeling for her. Lexa Woods was not for her. 

" _The heart replies ‘O, meditative mind this is love’s messenger and newly sent to bring me all Love’s words and desires. His life, and all the strength that he can find, from her sweet eyes are mercifully lent, who feels compassion for our inner fires.’_ "

#### 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * * *
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading. Hope you all enjoy and if you do kudos/comments are appreciated. :)
> 
> * * *

* * *

Ocean blue eyes flutter open, absorbing the morning light that danced through the curtains and over the windows still. Clarke sat up, looked down at herself and realized she was laying in the sofa covered with a blanket.

She wince in sheer pain and tries hard to ignore the raging headache throbbing in every cell of her alcohol soaked brain. _'It's called a hungover Clarke'_ She tells herself, she hasn't felt one of those in 3 years.

The blonde tosses over the array of fluffy covers off of herself and stood up. She cast her eyes downward for a moment to regain her compusure before groggily surveyed her surroundings carefully as a knowing smile made its way into her features, her groggy mind starting to register the previous night. She fell asleep while Lexa read to her.

Judging by the way the sun was hitting, it was somewhere between ten to mid afternoon. She could hear voices coming from outside as the tantalizing smell of crispy bacon invaded her nostrils .

Clarke looked around to find her shoes, then noticed that her cell phone sat on the coffee table, next to a glass of water and two pills. She smiles. She knows. She took the glass of water and swallowed the pills. When she found her shoes, she sat down and put them on. After folding the blanket she took her cellphone, but before she opened the door she mumbled ' _Time to face the consequences_ '.

As she made her way to where the voices were coming from she recalled the events of the previous night. She knew their flirtatious game of looks and comments had been going on for a while now. She couldn’t pinpoint when exactly, but over the course of the time they spent together, something had changed between them, it was different somehow. Last night Lexa removed the dread and doubt from her head/heart, and now she knows – she knows – she feels the same way.

When she enters the kitchen she sees Raven and Anya busy cooking breakfast. Chatting and laughing. _So domestic_.

"Good morning." Said Lexa's sweet voice.

-There stood Lexa; her forbidden fruit with the most dazzling green eyes she's ever seen.

"Morning." She replied with a raspy voice. Their eyes met speaking volume.

Her heart did a somersault as she took over the girl's appearance. Lexa was wearing nothing but her sports bra under the unzipped Adidas hoodie, showcasing her abs in the revealing workout getup. 

- _Well, Fuck me up. It's too early for guilt and bad decisions_. She told herself. Her eyes shamelessly lingered.

"HEY THERE!" Anya shouted across the room. She froze; startled with fear at being caught with hunger in her eyes for her little cousin and not her breakfast, her cellphone slipped out of her hand and hit the porcelain tile with a crash.

Lexa quickly crouched down, grabbed the phone and when she handed it back to her she shrugged, "Android is lame anyways." A knowing smirk on her pretty mouth.

The screen was broken. "Ah! Fucking son o-." She stopped herself and quickly turned to look at the brunette. She heard Anya and Raven laugh.

"Don't worry that nerd won't say anything. What happens in this house, stays in this house." Anya told her. She glanced over at the girl and Lexa tilted her head and gave her a smile.

"Griffin you were OUT this morning, you got that hammered?" Raven asked.

"Not really." She lied.

"I went to check on you this morning and nada. The door was locked or else I would've gone in to cuddle." Raven jutted her lower lip out in a pout.

She gives her friend a nervous chuckle lowering her gaze then glanced over to the brunette; the sagacious young girl gives her a small nod, as confirmation that she was the one who locked the bedroom door to make it appear as if she had stayed there. - _Genius_.

"Breakfast?" Anya asked her.

"Uh, no. I gotta get home. But th-"

"Now Miss Griffin. It's the first time I've seen Anya get up this early to make breakfast, you should stay and give us the honor." Lexa sends her a smile and Anya glares at the girl for sharing that piece of information.

Her head is throbbing, she reeks of alcohol all she wants to do is take a shower and get under her covers but when she turns to look at the brunette again and green eyes are asking, she agrees to stay.

Lexa went to open the fridge and stands for several long seconds staring into the fridge, contemplating her options? When she hears Raven speak again.

"That's not true Clarkey. Anya is a great cook and makes the best breakfast, all the time." Raven adds smiling wildly as she stood next to Anya and gave her a playful bump with her hip.

"Ugh, just kiss already." Lexa comments.

"Shut up Lexa." Raven shakes her head.

"You know, If you don't shut up right this second, your breakfast will be right on your face." Anya tells her.

"Breakfast? for me? Awww, thanks Anya. That's _totally_ sweet." She taunts the dirty blonde and chuckles. 

"Shut the hell up, and cover that shit up, nobody wants to see you half naked." Anya tells Lexa again. The brunnette zippers up.

- _I do._ Clarke said in her mind. _No wait. Shit. Uh, Yes. Yes. I do_. She sighs. Lexa glances her way with a smile as if she heard her thoughts. She returns the smile looking slighlty guilty.

They all sat down to eat. Lexa sat across from her, enjoying each other's view. Conversations flowed around the table, minutes later it was left to Raven and Anya only. Lexa and her too busy exchanging glances, soft smiles again and again, as they shifted in their seats.

"...Its only a few people, so it will be fun. Are you coming Clarke?" Anya asked.

"Umm..." _Shit. What the hell are they talking about?_ "I'll think about it." She replied saving herself at been caught again staring at the brunnette. "I, uh I gotta go." She stood up quite abruptly. "But thank you so much for breakfast. It was delicious." She smiled.

"There is no need to lie, Miss Griffin. Anya is pretty hardcore she can take it." Lexa tells her.

"Thanks Clarke. And please ignore her. Lexa is.....special." Anya tells her waving her hand.

"Yeah, she is." She responds absentmindedly. _Shit_. "I-I mean, uh..... sure, if you say so." She stammered and lets out a nervous chuckle. She can see Raven looking at her curiously. She did not dared to look at Lexa, she was sure the girl had her smirk plastered on. The good thing was, Anya looked clueless. 

"Sure, if you say so Ann." Lexa beams.

Clarke's head turned to look at Lexa suddenly realizing what the girl is referring to. Lexa gives her a discreet smile.

She excused herself and waved goodbye to all.

"Clarke hold up. I want to ask you something." Raven tells her before she steps out of the dining area. 

"Sure, what's up." She asks.  
Raven keeps walking, it is not until they're outside she speaks.

"You sure you're ok Clarke?"

_Weird_. She wonders what is on Raven's mind for her to ask that question. She wonders if her forbidden fruit has anything to do with it. "Yeah. I'm fine. Why do you ask?" 

"I don't know, I'm just a little worry about you. You haven't been acting the same lately. But.....uh" 

She can see that Raven is having some trouble expressing herself. 

The Latina hesitated for a few more seconds and said, "Never mind. It's nothing." 

She nods. "Ok. Talk to you later." She turns to walk down the steps when she hears her friend again.

"Clarke!" Raven walks over to her. "I love you and we're still friends you know that, right?" 

Clarke smiles and embraces her friend tightly. "I know, Rae. Love ya too. I miss you though. A lot. Maybe we can catch up, just you and me." 

"Yeah! and we can talk about boys.."

"And Anya." She tells her and Raven grumbles on her ear.

"Not you too." Raven removes herself from her arms and pushes her a little.

"It's pretty obvious. But we'll talk about that later." She smiles at her friend.

"Sure. Princess." Raven beams and Clarke rolls her eyes.

Meanwhile as the two friends were having their conversation outside. Lexa and Anya stayed inside talking. 

"I need a favor. I need to use your car for a bit." Asked Lexa.

"I don't know Lex, those are too many favors for these past weeks. I'm gonna start charging." Her cousin tells her, smiling.

"Seriously? It won't take more than 20 minutes." 

"Huh? Funny, that's exactly what I've been asking every morning for the past 3 weeks." Anya chuckles but goes to find her car keys. "The insurance canceled a while back, just make sure you don't hit anyone."

Lexa quickly glances at Anya to make sure she is not joking around. Anya's face is expressionless, no hint of amusement.

"You're serious?" She asks.

"Yes." Her cousin's face still emotionless.

"You mean to tell me that I've been driving without insurance?"

"Yup." Anya says popping the 'p' at the end.

"But I've been paying you monthly."

Anya shruggs. "I needed the money."

She's got to be kidding, with Anya everything is possible. She hesitates for a moment, keys already in hand. - _Ah Fuck it_ , what she needs to do is worth it.

"Go Lexa." Raven tells her as she makes her way back to the room. "She's kidding!"

Anya mouthed an 'I hate you' to Raven. "You should've seen the look on your face. Priceless." Anya laughs.

"Grow up." She mutters, already walking out.

"Sure. After you learn how to be fun, granny!!" 

She hears Anya shout. She makes her way out of the house and sees Clarke walking to her car and jogs to catch up with her.

"She's an Art teacher, her friends call her Clarkey and she snores like a lumberjack." She tells the blonde with a grin.

"Shut up." Clarke chuckles and lazily rolls her eyes. "I don't snore."

"Your secret is safe with me, Clarke." She smiles and sends a quick playful wink.

Clarke grinned. "Well, thanks. How kind of you." The blonde told Lexa giving her a teasing smile. 

Lexa meet her eyes. Nervously, she licked her lips, her mouth suddenly feeling dry as green eyes seared into her soul and _Fuck_ she could easily just reach across and kiss Lexa right now. She could. But she won't.

"Sure" Lexa says smiling and shaking her head. 

She gives the brunnette a nod and starts walking, Lexa walks right beside her. 

"What are you doing?"

"I'm walking you to your car." Lexa murmurs affectionately, the corners of her mouth curling into a tender smile.

"Always the gentlewoman." She says giving her a teasing smile. - _God_. Her cheeks hurt from all the smiling she's done.

"Always." The brunnette responds, giving her another flirtatious wink. 

Clarke felt herself blush a little and gives the brunette a shy smile.

When they reached her car, Lexa opened the door for her. She steps inside and says "Thank You." 

Lexa nods and closes the door for her. A second later she starts the car and hears a light tap at her window. It's Lexa obviously, pulling a grin on her face. She lowers the car window and arches an eyebrow in question.

"For the record, you do snore Clarke, it sounds a little like th-"

"Shut up. I don't snore!" She laughs. The smile on Lexa came out again followed by a delighted laugh. - _Her laugh_. She sighs.

"Yea, because you would know that, right?" Lexa raised her eyebrow. 

"I don't...think I snore." She rolls her eyes and sighs in defeat.

Lexa grinned and she grinned back. Their smile slowly faded and there was silence. 

Suddenly the air seemed thicker than ever, Lexa's green orbs stared at her. Their gazes locked. Her heart sped. Her blue eyes flickered down from green orbs to plump lips then back to green eyes. - _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuck!_

The smirk on Lexa's face told her that, yes, she caught her. _Of course she had_ , she wasn’t the most subtle.

"Uh, well, I gotta go." She chuckles, nervously.

"Sure. See ya at school."

Lexa stood still, smiling and watched the blonde's Jeep pulled out of the driveway. 

She tossed the keys into the air and caught them. "She likes me." She bites on her bottom lip as she shakes her head. "She fucking wants me." Her giddiness on full display. She laughs at herself before stepping inside Anya's car.

* * *


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke being complicated, Can they just kiss already!!!!!?? Or Do they? :) Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> Massive Chapter! Took forever to edit/proofread - apologies for the delay! 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading. Hope you all enjoy and if you do kudos/comments are appreciated. :)
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks!  
> -LC

* * *

 

Lexa heard the familiar little sound of the bell above the flower shop door and walked into a lush blast of fragrance and humidity. She smiled of happiness admiring all the flowers as she made her way over to the counter. When she saw Rosy, she stopped and a special smile tugged at the corner of her mouth.

"Lexa, Hey!!" Rosy shouted behind the counter, smiling brightly. "Where have you been girl?"

"Hey Rosy!..... you know, just busy at school and everything else. How's the flower shop doing?" She glances around the place.

"You know," The woman responds with a one shouldered shrug then lets out a soft chuckle. "It always gets interesting." 

Lexa smiles and nods in agreement because yes, working in a flower shop it can get pretty interesting. Especially when taking orders over the phone for delivery, the steamy message requests to be written with their flowers -some people truly have no shame.

"Your Camellias are right over there." Rosy tells her.

"Thanks. But I'm actually looking for something else today...something....different." She looks around and her eyes land on Variegated tulips and ocean blue eyes quickly come to mind. She makes her way over to them then bents down to inhale the opening fragrance and touched them with her fingers gently. "I'll take a bouquet." She said.

"Variegated Tulips. Interesting choice." Rosy tells her, smiling. "You want a card with them?" 

"Uh....No." She shakes her head. She truly wishes she could give the blonde the bouquet herself. It is her misfortune that she only gets to see Clarke at school or when she stops by to hang out with Anya. She knows so little about Clarke and starts to ponder; what secrets may be behind those enigmatic eyes and what lies beneath the blonde's costly apparel. Clarke is such a strong and beautiful woman, she is open yet mysterious. The blonde is truly fascinating to her and she is intrigued. Come to think about, she had never even given her her telephone number. Of course, she could easily find the number through Anya. But that would be too much, it is _totally_ not her style.

"Beautiful eyes." Rosy said snapping her out of her daydream, and brown eyes stare at her with curiosity. 

"A stunning blonde with the most beautiful blue eyes, Rosy. " She answered and a sweet expression came to her face. "Stunning!"

"Go get her!" Rosy chuckles and hands over the bouquet. 

"If only." She sighed.

Rosy smiled and said, "As long as your heart beats there is always hope, Lexa. Always.Remember that."

 

* * *

 

Monday. Tuesday. No sight of the blonde. 

Clarke was becoming like an addictive substance to her, the blonde has gained control not only mentally, but also physically. 

Wednesday when Lexa walked into the school's gymnasium ready for PE class, a smile spread across her face as her eyes landed on none other than the gorgeous blonde.  
Clarke with a simple off-duty ensemble look, wearing a grey V-neck T-shirt with slim-fitting jeans, adding some sexiness to her look with a pair of black suede ankle boots. - _Damn_. She looked good.

It took no less than a few seconds for the blonde to notice her, and greet her with a beautiful half-smile.

All the distractions of the environment seemed to fade out for Lexa; her feet taking her towards Clarke. She could barely keep the smile from her face as she made her way, even though Clarke had already turned. Before she approached the woman she made sure no one was near and spoke.  
"Well, hello there stranger!" 

Clarke quickly turns, looking surprised before she smiles gently at her and greets with a simple "Hey."

-That husky voice. She's missed it. She's got her fix. 

"So, here is where you've been hiding?" She asked.

"Definitely not hiding" The blonde chuckles, "Been pretty busy. Why? You've been looking for me?" Teasing smile in place.

- _Oh. Clarke. Clarke. You have no idea._ She was actually close to reporting her missing. Technically it had been more than 48 hours since she last saw her.  
She shakes her head as she listens to herself and gives the blonde a smile. _Of course_ she won't share this piece of information with the woman, she definitely did not want her to think she is desperate or Crazy.

"What are you guys doing?" She asked and glanced over at the walls. She noticed several buckets of white paint, brushes, rollers and couple of students dressed in white tees. It's pretty obvious that they're painting the wall. But why?

"A 900-square-foot mural." Clarke smiles. "We're painting the walls first-"

"Seriously? That's pretty cool and how come I did not receive an invitation to participate in this....amazing project of yours?"

Clarke laughed slightly before answering. "It's a class project for my....advanced classes."

"Huh. I'm guessing Intro to Art didn't make the cut?" She raises an eyebrow.

Clarke shakes her head smiling. "If principal Forest approves more square footage we w-"

"Lexa!" They hear someone calling making them both look at the intruder. It's Luna. 

"Are you coming or what?" The girl asked. - _Leave it to fucking Luna. How dare she interrupt her alone time with Clarke._

"Yeah. Hold on." She tells her friend a little annoyed, and Clarke looks at her with raised eyebrow. 

"Go. Don't make _your friend_ wait." The blonde tells her. 

-Of course she didn't miss the meaning behind "your friend" from Clarke. She had already told the woman she didn't have a girlfriend. Where is this lack of trust coming from? She made a mental note to have a serious talk about that with her, again. _Clarke would make a very jealous and possessive girlfriend._ She thinks. _Girlfriend. Pfffft. Okay. Lexa lets not get too ahead of ourselves._

Stopping her internal dialogue she responds, "Yes." Punctuating the word with a firm nod. "My friend." then paused. "I have class now but if you happen to need an extra set of hands" She wiggles her fingers, "I'm all yours." She snaps and points finger guns at the blonde, smiling like an idiot. "See ya."  
- _Damn_ , she is looking more like Jasper these days. _No game. It's a shame._

_Mine?_ "I'll keep that in mind." Clarke replied and in a flash her mind whispered, _there is no way I can refuse this offer, right?_ She did have a deadline and if she wanted to finish this project in 8 days she needed all helping hands. _Right?_  
"Lexa!" She called on the girl as she had began to walk away. Lexa quickly stopped and spun around. "Tomorrow! After class?" She asked the brunette.

Lexa winked at her, walking backwards she said, "All yours." 

Her face breaking into a wide smile. She truly does have a deadline. _Deadline, my Ass Clarke._ Her rational mind scolded. 

 

When Lexa approached Luna, the girl already looking irritated. _Great. Here it comes._ She mentally prepared herself.

"What the hell took you so long?" Asked Luna.

"I needed to talk to Miss Griffin about the art project."-She wasn't lying.

"Art project?" The girl asked giving her a confused look. "You're taking Art?"

"Uh....Yeah. It was a last minute change." She shrugs.

"Uh...oookay,” Her friend looked at her warily.

-Why the hell does everyone keep looking at her like that? As if up until this day she has not proved herself to make any rational decisions. She's always been assertive. She shook it off.

"That's so random and weird, Lexa." The girl continues. "I mean, you are...weird dude" _Gee thanks Luna_.  
"But Art, Lex?"  
Her eyebrows raised.

"What?" She asked, as if she didn't know where this was going.

"It just doesn't coincide with your passion." Luna mocks her.

She scoffs and rolls her eyes, decides to ignore her friend; however, in her mind- _Oh my dear Luna how wrong you are!_ It _totally_ coincides with her new found passion. _**Totally**_.

They approached the rest of their friends, all gathered round in a small circle as usual chatting. When she sat down all chatter suddenly stopped. Her head tilted and eyes narrowed. She looked from Olivia to Luna then back to Olivia again.  
"What the fuck?"

"Hey, watch your mouth young lady!" Olivia told her playfully. "We were talking about this weekend.."

"What's this weekend?" She asked with a puzzled look.

Olivia chuckles. "It's Halloween, Lexa!" 

"Oh. Right."

"How old are you again?" Jasper asked her. 

Monty sighs. "Jasper, age has nothing to do with not celebrating Halloween. Statistically, 75% of the US population celeb-."

"Monty!!! Whatever. Nobody gives a shit. Now, stop sounding so damn smart." Olivia kisses him on the forehead and ruffled his hair making the boy blush a little. "Anyways... get this! Finny boy here, is hooking us up with fake IDs to get us into this new Club they opened, it's near Arkadia!" The girl excitedly squealed, clapping her hands.

"No fucking way!!" Luna exclaimed, giving Finn a grateful grin. "Dude, for real?" 

"Totally! My buddy Murphy will hook us up. IDs, drinks and all." Finn said, looking quite proud of himself. Then spent the next few minutes explaining what was needed and how the plan will go down. 

"So, what do you say Lexa? Are you down?" Finn asked looking at her with a raised eyebrow, challenging her.

She narrowed her eyes. "Don't tell me you mean, Murphy? As in John Murphy?" She asked him.

His eyes narrowed as he stared at her speculatively. "Yeah, you know him?" 

She didn't respond. - _Of course I know him._ He is the biggest douche over at Arkadia High. _Ugh. This town is too damn small._

"Oh right!! Yeah of course you do. You went to Arkadia High with all the rich brats." He laughs. -Ugh, she hates him.

Lexa meets everyone's gaze in the small circle, all curious and expectant. She responds, "I don't know guys, clubbing is not really my scene. Besides if we get caught we will be in so much trouble. I got a whole life ahead of me." 

"Ok. Mom." Olivia jokes. "Come on Lex. No one will know. Besides we all be wearing costumes. No one, will even recognize you. At all. You should definitely do CatWoman!" The petite girl told her smiling prettily.

_This girl is a bad influence._. But she's always known that. 

She's never been the type to give in to peer pressure, she is a little of a control freak and the prospect of partying, getting drunk and breaking the law held no appeal to her. Seven years hence she might become a prosecuting attorney. No need in doing anything illegal. _Right?_ It’s time for them to start thinking long term.

She sighed and gazed across the gym to give herself another fix of her new found addiction. Clarke, beautiful as always with her on-the go look, wearing minimal make-up, her natural curls falling down past her shoulders. - _Goddess._ "I'll think about it." She said, heaving a long dreamy sigh.

"Ok. Guys that's enough chitchat! Gather up." She heard Mr. Wick shout.

 

* * *

 

Never, Ever in her life has she been so stricken by a woman before. 

As much as she has tried to pay attention to Clarke's lesson today she just can't focus on getting a state mandated education. Definitely not while this fine sculpted Goddess proudly displays an aura of her confidence and dominance. 

Clarke was a natural born leader, strict and firm, yet very fair and kind, very attentive to her students, patient and always calm. Her generous voice; pantie dropping voice at times, her sweet smile, the way she walks with that sexy sway to her hips and she could go on forever and ever. -Of course her brain can't function. _How?_

Clarke's tight pencil skirt, which she swore, the blonde wore today with no intention on taking her imagination to places, hugging her in all the right places, accentuating every curve of her remarkable figure. Its calling out like a siren to her, her mouth runs out dry at the sight. - _How dare Clarke be this inconsiderate!_ What a cruel life this was.

With no intended effort on the blonde's part; _obviously_ , Clarke is driving her to near madness. -What or how much she would do or give to earn access to that temple. Clarke's _sacred_ temple.

"Thanks Miss G!"  
"Lets do this Miss G!"  
"We got this woot-woot!" Students shouted across the room snapping her out of her daydream. -She's been doing a lot of those lately. She took noticed. Clarke is smiling wide. -- _What. the. Fuck did I miss? Why is everyone calling her Miss G!?_

"Thanks guys, I am excited to take on this challenge with you all. As your teacher I feel the burden of making sure that you are all equipped to be able to succeed. Again, whoever is interested, please sign up! All right, now lets get to work." Clarke claps her hands with excitement, and grins from ear to ear then her pretty blues turn to look at her. - _Fuck. Get it together Lexa._ So inappropriate. She played it cool, and simply smiled back. 

Everyone goes to sit at their easel. Including Clarke and herself. Feeling a little, _lost_? She sat for a bit, took deep breaths to regain composure. 

"Electives count towards your grade, Lexa." The teacher said with a raised brow.

"Um y-yeah, I was..uh...distracted," she said, looking away with a nervous chuckle.

Clarke gives her a discreet smile along with a knowing look and butterflies start fluttering in her stomach. 

"Everything ok?"

- _Yep. Just fantasizing about you here._ "Yeah. I...I'm fine." she paused, trying to collect her trail of thoughts. "Are we still on for today?" 

"Well," Clarke stood up and walked around to stand in front of her. 

Clarke Griffin in all her glory, blue eyes sparkling and radiant smile. This woman truly has no mercy on her. 

"Yes. That is if you're still free." 

Lexa raked her eyes over her luscious body and bit her lip for a second as she imagined grabbing the blonde and throwing her on top of her desk..... _Fucking hell._ The struggle was real. "I ..t-told you. I was all yours." She stumbled a little on her words. Forced herself to look down and focus on something else rather than the woman.

Clarke smiled a little at her struggling behavior. "You don't sound too convincing, Lexa. But. I'll be there for a while so whenever you want to stop by, it'll be fine." 

"I will." She said trying her best to sound convincing. 

When the teacher turned to walk. _Fuck meeeee. No mercy._ She had a perfect view of her ass. Her eyes lustfully wandered. Everything about the woman was perfect. If she was religious she was sure she needed a priest to confess all the sinful thoughts that were running through her mind. She swore that Clarke even added a little extra in her step too. But it all must be a figment of her imagination.

When class was dismissed. She went to her locker to dropped all of her belongings and gave herself a serious talk before she'd go to gym to help the blonde. 

It basically went a little something like this. - _Ok. You got this. She wants you. You want her and stop acting like a horny teenager. Collect yourself._

She walked inside the gym and made her way to the blonde. About 11 sets of eyes turn to her when she greets Clarke. "How can I help?" She asked. - _Great_ , they're not alone. _Of course_

The blonde stood up and fights a grin. "Hey. You made it." 

Clarke looked adorable, her curly blonde hair pulled up off her face, pulling another lazy look, wearing a slouchy white tee, olive green jogger pants with black Adidas and a black hoodie around her waist. A complete different look from earlier during class.

"I told you I was yours for the rest of the day." She answered sounding more confident than earlier.

"Well, you're just in time. Come on, help me out to get more paint." Lexa nodded her head and obediently followed the blonde. 

When they made it to the storage room. Clarke turned around and her deep blues were fixed on her, her eyes raked her over; from her hair, all the way to the heels she wore at the end of her long legs. Under the blonde's intense scrutiny her insides went mushy.

"Lexa, don't tell me you're gonna work like that." The blonde gestures to her. "You didn't bring a change of clothes?"

"Uh...no....Oops." She had forgotten. They shared a smile. "No worries. I'm...just gonna take this off. And I'll be good" she tells the blonde removing her brown leather jacket.

Clarke looked as the brunette takes off her leather jacket then pulls her hair into a high pony tail, exposing her perfect jawline, razor sharp and unforgiving; chiseled to perfection. The brunette _is_ gorgeous-perfection. Clarke thought to herself. Suddenly feeling like a teenager ogling the cute girl in high school. She dared to spare another glance at the brunette, her blue eyes slowly roamed over Lexa's gorgeous body until she was met with plump lips curled into a slight smile. _**BUSTED!**_

The brunette caught her looking. Again. And she had no shame. No shame at all. She met her gaze and noticed the hungry way Lexa stared at her. Her face, as well as other parts of her, heated. _Fuck. Control yourself Clarke._ Seeing the girl's self-satisfied grin and the playful glint in her eyes, she rolled her eyes but internally smiling. Fighting down the flush she can feel creeping up her cheeks, she said, "Get to work you slow poke."

“Me?” Lexa straightens up with mock indignation. 

"Yes. You!" The blonde teased. Not giving a chance to reply she shouted. "C'mon. We need to get this done today!" 

Everyone got to work. About an hour and a half later they finished painting the wall and students started to leave one by one until 4 of them were left to clean up. The blonde did not talked to her the entire time. Of course. Every few minutes they stole several furtive glances while smiling mischievously at each other.

When they finished cleaning up, Clarke left with the other students to stored the left over paint. Lexa decided to head to the locker rooms and clean up a little, her hands were covered with paint and her jeans ruined with splattered paint. Busy at her task, Lexa bent to run some water through her jeans to possibly remove some paint off; when she felt a light touch on her shoulder. Startled at the sudden touch she jumped loosing her balance.

"It's just me!" The blonde clamped a hand around her wrist avoiding a fall and stared into her startled eyes. "You spook easily. Sorry." Clarke said relaxing her grip.

Lexa looked at the blonde in surprised, the woman was touching her, something she hadn't done in a while; her touch leaving a trail of electric sparks beneath her skin. Her breath caught in her throat, her pulse jumped into high gear, and she gazed at the sight before her.

"Calm down there." Clarke said with a crooked smile and glanced down at her hand then stroke her throbbing pulse point at her wrist making her sucked in a breath.

Seconds later, the blonde lets out a soft laugh releasing her wrist and slapped her arm gently.

_Fuck._ "Hey, hey no hitting!!" Lexa chuckles nervously. Noticing the teacher's intense scrutiny, with only the hint of a smile she adds, "This." Her hand raises up and down gesturing her whole body. "It is very expensive merchandise, Clarke." She smirked and kneeled down to pick up her scarf and leather jacket. Suddenly she hears Clarke burst out laughing. 

"So, it's for sale?" The blonde teases.

"What!?" She looks up at the beauty in front, slowly rising and leveled to Clarke's gaze.

"The merchandise," Clarke gestures to her, eyes gleaming with a a charming smile. "Is it for sale?" She asked her again.

"Why?" Lexa asked taking a few steps closer to the blonde with a raised eyebrow. "Are you interested?" She said giving her her signature smirk.

Clarke raised a challenging eyebrow. "Maybe?" The blonde answered, feeling a slight blush creep up her neck. - _'Fuck'._ Clarke thought to herself that hell must have its doors wide open for her, she was sure the devil will even grant her access to sit next to him in his throne. But she couldn't help it. "I might....know someone." She said.

"Oh, really?" Lexa fixed her gaze on the blonde.

"Hmm-hmm." Clarke hummed her response, nodding her head slightly. 

"And does... this... certain someone happens to...have.....ummm, stunning azure blue eyes?" She asked, folding her arms, her smirk still evident on her lips.

Clarke couldn't stop the smile that stretched across her face.

The brunette's voice dropped nearly to a soft purr as she leaned in a little and said. "Because that's very important..I'll have you know." She smiled, her head tipping to the side in her best rendition of seduction. 

"Is that so?" Clarke asked with a knowing look and went to meet green eyes again, a mischievous grin playing on the girl's lips. Clarke then realized just how close Lexa was; she could feel her minty breath against her and could possibly count every one of her eyelashes, her perfect features jade green eyes and porcelain skin. 

"Oh, yes.." Lexa held her gaze and wet her dry lips. She met blue eyes and she could see there was a touch of amusement in her irises. "I'm very into those, these days." She said noticing how Clarke's eyes now roamed her face landing on her lips. - _That's right Clarke. They're waiting for you to devour them. Kiss me woman...._

Clearly the the blonde did not receive her mental message because Clarke only smiled sweetly allowing her gaze to flicker over her a moment, then laughed; a frank opened laughter and a playful bat on her arm. 

_Fuck._ Almost.  
"Hey! I said no hitting." All she could do was inhale deeply and run her fingers through her hair. - _GDamn this woman!_ Driving her insane. _Ah!!!!!_

"Yeah-Yeah." Clarke let out a soft laugh this time turning on her heel, and walking away.

Her laugh, it was low, raspy, playful, different. _Fucking sexy_ the sound that scraps down her spine twisting things low in between her thighs. _Fuck_. She's got it bad. But she isn't about to quit now that they're alone.

As expected, the brunette followed after the blonde. Close enough for Clarke to know she was there. 

"Mind if I ask you something?" She said, making the blonde stop in her tracks. Then went to lean in over behind the Clarke slightly with a deep desire to lean even more forward and kiss every inch of Clarke's exposed neck.

Clarke paused for a moment, suddenly feeling conscious of the warmth behind her. She looked over her shoulder and saw Lexa standing close behind her. _So close. Too close...._ And this close proximity sent her heart racing. She felt the need to close her eyes. _Calm the fuck down Clarke._ she told herself before she inhale deeply and dared to turn around, slowly she did and found the girl even more dangerously close. She let her eyes roam over Lexa's face then murmured. "What is it?" 

Piercing blue eyes boring into Green orbs. There was a long pause, so long that Lexa's heart skipped in her chest and her throat went dry as she took the blonde in; noticing Clarke's gaze had gone heavy-lidded and was now focused on her lips. 

"What would it take..." She started saying, then stood very still, hardly daring to breathe.

Filled with the need to touch the blonde she gained some courage and brought her hand to Clarke's cheek, lovingly ran the pad of her thumb over her cheek. She felt the blonde's sharp intake of breath, and bit on her bottom lip; wishing it was her lip instead. Clarke gazed into her face with a rapt look in her dark eyes. Drawn by the look, Lexa moved her index finger to gently trace the her soft moist pink lips with just her fingertip.

Clarke trembled from the delicate touch. She shuddered, pressing her forehead against Lexa's, drowning in the green depths of her eyes. They both breathed deeply, shakily knowing that they were about to let go of all the doubts and fears. 

Clarke leaned in and brushed her lips against hers ever so softly. Pausing for a second more, allowing her emotions to flow into her and convey that this, too, was hard for her as it is for her. 

Taking shaky breaths through her nose to calm herself down, she forced herself to blink to break Lexa's intense gaze and whispered, "Everything." She took a shuddering breath then turned slowly and walked away. -Where she got the strength to do it, it was beyond her.

Lexa remained silent, breathlessly still as the blonde shut the door behind her. Seconds later she closed her eyes and took a few breaths to regain composure and repeated to herself in a ghost of a whisper. "Everything." 

If everything is what it'll take, she would give _everything_ to have that woman for herself. Her efforts on trying to romance the blonde had been weak and futile. It will take some work, but Clarke will be hers. She wasn't going to settle for anything less. 

Lexa went after her, she jogged to keep up with the blonde, following close behind in the parking lot. It was close to 5:30 and almost everyone had left the school premises.

"Clarke! Clarke wait!" She called. "Come on Clarke. Please." She begged, when she saw that the blonde was not stopping, she took it upon herself to strode past her and block her path to reach for the car's door. "Ok. Listen to me."

"No Lexa. You listen to me." Clarke's voice carried an edge of fury, hard and very foreign to her. Lexa stood silently watching the blonde. "You don't understand. Do you? This. Is. Wrong. It can't be. It will never be. You need to let it go.....it is far too dangerous." Clarke knew her words were coming out harsh, from the festering anger that she still felt for loosing control in the locker rooms. "I have worked too damn hard to be where I am today and I am not about to ruin everything for..." She didn't finish the sentence. 

"For me." Lexa finished for her, her voice was sharp, hurt. 

Clarke's voice fades to barely more than a whisper, "Yes. For you." She admitted and stared at the brunette for a moment. 

Both of them went silent.

"I'm not asking you to understand. I don't care if you understand." Clarke said running her hand through her blonde hair then blew out a frustrated sigh. 

"So what? Are we just going pretend and ignore the fact that we are attracted to each other?"

"Yes." Clarke told her firmly. "Yes. We are. Now move." 

She quickly stepped aside to allow Clarke free passage to the door, and stood silently. To her surprise the blonde did not move. She could feel her stare on her face, as if trying to read her thoughts.

Clarke took a long breath, filling her lungs to capacity and lets it out slowly in an attempt to keep her composure. Then turns her head to take in her surroundings, shaking her head she says. "Get in the car."

Looking confused and stupid, she asked “Why?"

"Do you have a ride home?" The blonde asked. She shook her head in response. "Then get in the car, I'm taking you home." 

Clarke was not asking and who was she to deny her woman, with those soft blue eyes looking at her.

Once inside Clarke's Jeep, she sat for a moment in silence and gathered her thoughts. She paused a second, her eyes fixed on her beautiful companion. 

Clarke turned to look at the girl before pulling out of the parking lot, her mind filled with her own thoughts.

Cerulean blue eyes met emerald green eyes.

"Stop looking at me like that." She said at the voiceless words through that look alone from the brunette. 

She was weakened, afraid next time she would be tempted beyond her ability. -Weakening, whether she wanted it or not.

A smile tugged at the corner of Lexa's mouth. The girl thought that it was now time for her to plan a new strategy and make Clarke see that she is worthy of her love. _Love._

 

* * *


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate Clarkey too much. She is my baby. Lol  
>  Oh and please, the number is obviously fake. Do not call it. I **PROMISE** , you will not get Lexa Woods if you call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * * *
> 
> This is a work of fiction. This story and characters are fictitious. 
> 
> Please note the 'Mature' rating on this story. It does contain explicit sexual content between a teacher and a student. So please pretty please if any of you feel offended with this fic, I would like to apologize beforehand and IF this is not your thing, please do not read.  
> That being said, I like to write fanfiction, I think it's great fun and writing this story is so much fun. Thank you all so much for reading and all your kudos/comments. Hope you all enjoy!!! :) Next chapter is up tomorrow.
> 
> * * *

* * *

_Her bedroom door opens._

_"Expecting company?" The blonde said in her seductive voice leaning against the closed door._

_"Only that little tongue of yours." She told the blonde drinking in her sexy body in the sensual lingerie set, complete with garter belt and thigh high stockings._

_The woman let her have a long look before she walked towards her and her hand tangled into her hair, pulling her mouth up to hers, as she pressed her back against the wall._

_"I want you. All of you." She said breathlessly._

_Clarke moaned and slid one hand down to her cunt, tenderly stroking her clit. Without warning, the blonde let her middle finger sunk into the depths of her hot, wet pussy as far as it would go, sending a shockwave of pleasure directly to her core. "Ahh!" She cried._

_"You're so fucking wet for me baby," Clarke told her holding up her hand and letting her see how her fingers were coated with her juices then rubbed her thumb against her fingers, playing with the slippery juices. She watched her bring her fingers to circle around one of her hard nipples before returning her hand between her legs. -It was a fucking sight._

_Lexa licked her lips in anticipation. The blonde went on her tip toes and whispers seductively in her ear. "Fuck. Me L -"_

_**♪♪♪Girls, what y’all tryna do? 24 karat magic in the air. Head to toe so playa Oh, look out!…♪♪♪**_

Her alarm is going off and Lexa opens her bright green eyes. 

She was panting, a thin layer of sweat covered her body, and she could tell how soaked her underwear was without even having to touch.

 _Fuck!_ She groaned removing the covers. It's been years since she's had one of those ....explicit dreams.

Of course she's had her 'mental escapades', but she has not allowed to touch herself while fantasizing about the blonde in such way. She's gave it a lot of thought, afraid that it will just make it weird in a way, but apparently her dreams have failed to received the memo. 

So, there's **that**. And been _that _, **that’s** how this Friday has begun; because _Damn___ she is fucking horny and it is entirely a new level of frustration that at this point, is making her seriously reconsider that rule; she did.

She squeezed her eyes shut and bit down on her lower lip as she laid in bed. She started rubbing herself up and down her body, rubbing her breast, began playing with her nipples then worked her way down to her thighs.She moaned in delight imagining the teacher. With each passing thought she had of the blonde the more aroused she became. Time started to vanish. Her head was swimming. "Oh, Cl.."

 _KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!_  
"Lexa!!" Anya is knocking on her door making her gasp of shock. 

"Are you ready!??" Anya shouted from behind the door.

She quickly pulled up her PJ shorts and glanced at the clock that sits on her nightstand. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ She's lost track of time. 

"Lexa!! If you want a lift we're leaving NOW!" 

"Uh. Yeah. I'll be out in a minute!" She told Anya with toothbrush halfway in her mouth. 

10 minutes later she ran down the staircase almost stumbling and ran out the the door when she didn't see Anya inside.

When she stepped outside Anya was tapping the steering wheel waiting. She quickly descended the front steps and hurried down the paved walkway. She stumbled inside the car and slammed the door. Anya glared at her. 

"Sorry." She smiled, obviously her cousin didn't smile back. "I know. I know. I'm sorry but I had to shower." She said as she fumbled with her seatbelt.

Anya paused for a moment before pulling out onto the road, her brow furrowing. "Did you even brush that hair?" 

"Of course." She said, as she began pulling her hair into a poofy pony with face framing strands. When she was done, she tilted her head and smiled prettily at her cousin who was still looking at her.

Anya chuckles before she steps on the gas, "You're lucky we share twelve percent DNA." 

Lexa couldn't help but smile at that. "Are you calling me gorgeous Anya?" 

"I didn't say that." Anya tells her concentrating on the road trying her best to contain her amusement.

"It was implied." She grinned.

Just like that, a huge smile broke out onto Anya's face. "You're alright......like I said, twelve percent but thank you, for calling me gorgeous." 

Her smile grows wider. "Yeah, I guess you're all right or else I would not know what Raven saw in you."

Anya laughed lightly. "So...I'm asking her out tomorrow." Her cousin shared.

"About fucking time!" She shouted at the top of her lungs. "And you are seriously considering asking her out on Halloween, where is the romance?"

"Yeah. It'll be memorable. It's gonna go a lil' something like this. 'Hey, no pressure, but I want you to know that I am in love with you. You don't really have to say it back, because it's written all over your face'."

Lexa laughs loudly and didn't miss the chance to roll her eyes. "You're kidding, right?"

"Nope." Anya smiled. "I'm a catch. She'll say yes." 

"You're an asshole! Why can't you be normal and..."

"Hey, Watch it!" Anya points at her, jabs her finger. "Raven and I are past all of that. It was complicated, now it's not. She's got everything I need." Anya turned a brilliant smile her way.

"♪She's got everything she needs...♪" Lexa started to sing, teasing her cousin. "♪She's an artist and she don't look back!♪"

Anya laughs in delight and shakes her head but starts to sing along, grinning, "♪She's got everything I need, she's an artist and she don't look back!!♪" 

Lexa joins and both sing along without the music. _♪♪♪She can take the dark out of the nighttime....And paint the daytime black....You will start out standing. Proud to steal her anything she sees.....♪♪♪_

So many things were changing, Lexa thought. Walls were crumbling all around her. Life is so unpredictable. Suddenly, someone appears into your life and says "Calm down", "ease up'', and when you do, you become aware of things and notice all the small details in life.

"You're a dork." Anya tells her.

She smiled and thinks that this right here. These little moments she's been missing out. She was running but now she has slowed down and her heart is beating faster, faster than ever before when she was running. 

When their merriment subsided, she said. "I called Gustus yesterday." 

Anya turns to look at her, and remains silent, letting her continue. 

"It helps no one to dwell on the past." She murmured, and nodded her head, convincing herself what she said was true. "You and Cl...." she paused, almost blurted out the blonde's name. "You were right." She nodded again and smiled to herself. 

She said no more, but her mind was busy as she thought back on what the blonde had told her. The scars will always be there but the wounds will heal.

"That's great Lexa. I'm really happy for you." Anya looked up at her and gave her a candid smile.

"Thanks. " She replied softly.

They were silent for a long moment. 

"Tomorrow is the party...." Anya started to say after a long silence. “if you want.....you can have your friends over and hang out, it's totally cool with me." She told her.

"Totally." She smiled, looking at her cousin. "Thanks."

"Totally."

* * *

Clarke sat behind her desk replaying the previous day in her mind. She still feels a twinge of guilt for almost kissing the brunette, her seventeen year old student. But God how much she wanted to. She is dying inside to taste her lips. 

She truly believes that next time Lexa gets near her, she will not be able to control herself, she needs to stay away from her as much as possible. - _How the fuck is it that this could be possible_. She's always been so guarded of her heart, After Khloe, she's never felt this drawn to anyone, and what? A seventeen-year-old girl suddenly comes out of nowhere, spoke sweet things to her and just like that all the confidence and inner strength she had worked so hard to cultivate over the years are suddenly RIGHT OUT the window. - _Stop it_ , her rational mind scolded. _You are a grown-up and, unlike your teenage self, you've learned to control your impulsive tendencies, Clarke. This is no different._

There was a knock on her door that pulled her attention from her thoughts.

"Come in," she called out, leaning back in her chair, grateful for the interruption. She's had an early start and so far it's been full of frustration and bad-bad thoughts.

She watched as her door was pushed open slowly to reveal a woman mid-thirties smiling wide holding a gorgeous bouquet of tulips. 

"Wow," she drawled, a smile tweaking her lips as she pushed up from her chair to meet the woman halfway.

"Miss Clarke Griffin?" The woman asked.

"That's me." She grinned almost squealed as she drank in the sight of the yellow tulips interspersed with gorgeous pink and in the center of the bouquet were two different tulips, one purple, and the other with blotched, multicolored petals. 

It was, perhaps, the most beautiful arrangement she'd ever seen; maybe because she had an idea of who it was that had sent them. - _Why does it have to be Lexa first on your mind Clarke?_ She asked herself. It really could've been anyone who sent them.

"Great, these are for you." The woman said and handed the bouquet over to her, with a grin on her mouth she gracefully accepted it. 

"Sign, please." The woman held out the clipboard.

She quickly signed her name and followed the woman to the door, thanking her before she closed it. 

It's been years since she last received flowers, she quickly turned her attention back towards the bouquet, with the intent on finding the card she knew would be hidden somewhere and sure-enough, the small envelope was nestled inside the bouquet. She ripped the envelope open and smiled at the words she found written on the card.

'I could be romantic too,  
610-234-5383  
L.' 

"That. You certainly are." She mumbled and smiled, her eyes twinkling as she dropped the card to her desk and ran an appreciative finger over the smooth yellow petal. _Hopeless love,_ she thought to herself. 

She pulled out her purse and took her new iPhone out and began texting the number. 

-They're beautiful. TY. C.

Nope. Delete.

-They're beautiful. Like you. C.

_Are you crazy Clarke!_

-I appreciate the gesture. But you didn't have to. They're beautiful. Thank you.

Another knock sounded on the closed door, she turned off the phone and tossed it back into her bag smiling.

"Come in!"

The door swung open revealing her friend, Raven. 

"Hey, Griffin." Raven smiled. "Got a sec?" 

"Yeah, what's up?" The glow in her eyes slowly disappearing. Raven knows her too well. 

"I talked to O yesterday...." Raven stopped talking, mouth hanging open as she took noticed of the flowers. - _Shit!_ She forgot to hide the bouquet.

"What?" She asked full knowingly of what was coming.

It took her friend a few seconds to answer, but not before giving her a all-knowing, shit-eating grin. "You are hiding something from me," Raven pointed a finger at her. "And as your best friend I DEMAND you to start talking!"

"Nope. Sorry,” she said, busying herself with a few things on her desk. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh no! You are seeing someone and you're going to tell me who it is right this instant!" Raven told her walked around and sat on the top of the desk.

She shuffled papers on her desk trying her best to ignore her friend, of course it didn't work, sighed and looked up at Raven. "I'm not seeing anyone Rae. Even if I was, you'd be the first to know, you know that." 

"You're glowing and you only glow when you have mind blowing sex or.....in love," Raven grinned with a suspicious squint. "Who is it Griffin?"  
She poked her ribs, making her startle and giggle.

"Stop it, its no one." She slaps her friend's leg to stop and laughed nervously, suspicious of Raven right away as her friend hopped off her desk with a mischievous grin and walked around standing in front of the desk.

She levelled a suspicious squint at her, Raven was surely up to something. She didn't have enough time to think of what when Raven quickly reached across her desk to pick up the small card that came with the tulips. _Fuck._ She had no time to react. 

Seconds after, she heard her let out a shocked gasp. Clarke covered her face with her hands. 

When she looked up at her, Raven's eyebrows were raised, grinning wickedly at her. 

"Uh-huh. So, While I'm eating beans, AND spilling my tears on my pillow.....You're having who knows WHAT for dinner and spilling all your juices somewhere!" 

"Rae!!" She yelled. 

Raven laughed loudly. "Who is L, Clarkey?"

"I don't know!" She lied. "They were Just sent 5 minutes before you walked in, I don't know who they're from." She insisted and Raven glared at her with a pout.

“Uh-huh, because I was born yesterday.” Raven told her.

"There's a phone number on the card! Supposedly, I got laid, how could I possibly failed to get her number but she knows where I work?" She tried to reasoned.

"Sure." She said, but her tone said she didn't believe her. "So it's a woman?" Raven smiled.

"Rae..." she sighed and laid her head on the desk. "I'm telling you, I don't know."

Raven reached over and stroked the back of her head with her hand. "There. There. Clarkey." She soothed. Clarke yanked her hand away and Raven grinned. "It's fine....for now. But I don't believe one word." 

"Why did you come here for anyway?" She tried to change the subject to get the attention away from her.

"Oh, yeah! I talked to O and she told me you guys were going clubbing tomorrow night?"

"Yeah, I don't think I'll make it to Anya's..."

"Yeah, that's cool. I invited O and everyone else, maybe you wanna stop by after."

"Yea.....we could do that... I guess." She said tentatively.

Raven raised her eyebrows. "You sound skeptical?" 

"I did promised O I was hers all weekend. If she's not too hammered we'll stop by." She said.

"Ok." Raven hesitated before leaving, turning to her again she added. "Cool."

She raised a brow. "Is that all you came here for?" 

"No." Raven turned and walked back to stand in front of her desk. "Clarkey, you know I love you, right?" 

She gave her friend a genuine smile. and rolled her eyes. "Yes." This is how all conversations start when Raven is about to have a serious talk with her or could possibly offend her.

It's funny, Clarke thinks, how somehow Raven knows she needs her. It's as if she can sense that there is something she is struggling with.  
Despite everything that would go on in Raven's life, she had always made her feel that she was just as important, always a hundred percent there for her and still is. It is why she's never failed to ask, always genuinely concerned about her, no matter the time or distance between them. 

"Don't get upset and remain calm at all times...Remember murder is not your only option."

She rolled her eyes and shouted "Spit it out!" 

For a second Raven is silent; then releases a heavy sigh . "Fine." She stops and turns to stare at her. "IsawyouwithLexayesterdayandnow I needtoknow what the hell is going on?" 

She chuckles, "What did you say!?" 

"I'd like to know what's going on, Clarke," Raven said with a concerned tone in her voice. "You and Lexa, I saw you two......Oh. My. God! "Raven gasped, for a moment she just stared in surprise. "The flowers are from Lexa!!!!" 

Clarke let her eyes flicker around the room, not meeting Raven's gaze for a moment. Her smile completely disappearing. She almost felt dizzy, all possible scenarios flooded her mind. Raven saw them _almost_ kiss, Raven is going to report her, she didn't even get the chance to taste Lexa's lips. Now Raven will tell Anya, and Anya is going to murder her, chop her body in small pieces; that is if she has mercy on her and lets her spend the rest of her life in jail.

"Of course, Clarke!! A blind person can see that the girl has a huuuuge crush on you. I mean...Duh! You're fucking hot!" 

Clarke fought the urge to roll her eyes and instead lazily glanced around at the classroom again. She took several deep breaths to remain calmed.

"I'm gonna ask Anya to corroborate this."  
If it wasn't her ass on the line, she'd find this funny and would laugh. "Clarke give me the number on the card." Raven asked extending her hand, with her cell phone ready on the other.

 _Okay,_ she told herself, _remain calm, just remain calm. Take a deep breath and relax._

Clarke pushed her chair back to stand up and walked around to stand in front of her friend. "Don't be ridiculous Raven. Even if it was Lexa, it doesn't matter. Students have crushes on their teachers all the time, they're teenagers. Lexa is no different, she'll get over it." The words were out of her mouth of their own accord, the voice was not her own.

"Look I know it's hard Clarke, trust me, I've been there...." 

She immediately looked up and stared at Raven. .. _You and Lexa?_

"It's hard when you are close friends with Anya to keep a distance and....."

"Rae, I’m twenty five, and I am completely aware of what I should and shouldn’t do." She paused to squeeze Raven's shoulder. -Truthfully she doesn't know anymore, but she won't implicate Raven in her mess. "Lexa is infatuated with me, so what? Let her, it's not like I will act upon it or do you really believe I would take her seriously?" She let's out a forced chuckle, her heart sinking for every word she spoke. Raven nodded, but she seemed to be watching her intently and added. "I mean she is seventeen for Christ's sake!" Her own words fell heavily on her heart, she had to sit down, unable to look at her friend in her eyes. She can't do this. 

"Clarke, I'd recommend, as your friend, avoid her." Raven proposed. 

"I guess..." She trailed off, thinking, _I have tried._ And smiled as she thought of the brunette with those pretty emerald eyes. "Although the girl is very persistent, last time....." She stopped herself mid sentence, realizing what she was about to say. It was too late, Raven stared at her, pausing and processing what she just heard but as a good friend decided to ignore. Raven knows that eventually she will break and talk to her.

"Alright. But just remember that there is that invisible line that keeps both of you safe.....I mean.....Gosh, Clarke these kids are very observant, and it's not like we weren't teenagers once....hell! They're already spreading rumors,... rumors that uh, you and Anya are dating ...." 

Clarke raised her an eyebrow in question. 

Raven sighed. "Of course I know it's not true, annd I'm just rambling here." She chuckled.

"Rae..."

"Look, I saw you yesterday with her and, ...well you two seemed to be in your own little world, fighting like a married couple...and...all the heart eyes."

"I truly don't know what you're referring to Rae but.... I'll make sure to keep my distance." She smiled. "Lexa needed a ride home yesterday so I gave her one, nothing more."

"Fine. Going to lunch?"

"Yeah, I'll clean this up and will meet you there in a minute."

"Ok." Raven replied giving her a smile, and left without another word.

What Raven had said passed through her heart and her brain, she remained motionless and silent as she thought about everything. Clarke knows she has closed off on her friend. Raven is a good friend, but there were just some things that were hard to explain. If she was to share that she was falling for the young student, it will put her friend on a rough spot. Raven could loose her job and with her having knowledge of all of this, could possibly mess up her relationship with Anya, for keeping her secret. She can't let that happen. Raven is her friend. Hell, she's family and deserves to be happy. Especially now that Anya told her she had decided to ask her out and make their relationship official. _Nope_ she can't be selfish. There's too much on the line. 

She can't do this. "Ugh! This is insane," she muttered with a shake of her head and grabbed the tulips then tossed the bouquet on the trash before tucking her phone into her pocket and headed out the door for lunch.

What was she supposed to do accepting the flowers would mean she accepts to pursue something with Lexa and she's already crossed many lines but there's still one she can't cross. She won't. She couldn't. She shouldn't. God, but did she wanted to.

Everything about Lexa intoxicated her. Her green eyes which studies her with all the care in this world. Her lips. How many times were there when all she wanted was to throw her arms around her and feel the taste of her lips against hers, and just kiss them until she's out of breath.

"I'm such an idiot!" She muttered and walked out of her classroom.

She rounded the corner to go down the hall, and saw the brunette heading towards her locker.

As if she had been called, Lexa turned her head to look at her with an expectant smile on her face. 

-God. She is so beautiful. She looked good today like everyday. Clarke took it all in, she was exposing her collarbone in her button down shirt, strong jawline in full display. -She needs to get laid. _I'm just experiencing severe sexual frustration, that's all. It'll pass._

Lexa nodded politely at her, she nodded back as any teacher would and continued walking.

* * *


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I know I said 3 or 4 days ago but life happened. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and all your comments. Hope you all enjoy and if you do kudos/comments are appreciated. :)  
>    
> Thanks!    
> -LC
> 
> * * *
> 
>  

* * *

 

After Lexa left her books on her locker, she smiled as she made her way to Clarke's classroom. She needed to confirm if she had received her flowers. 

"Yo Lexa!" Finn called her. 

"What do you want?" She asked sharply, looking straight ahead as she continued her path.

Keeping up with her as she went Finn replied with a smirk. "I have your special order." 

At that Lexa stopped and turned to look at him. "What are you talking about?" She asked confused.

"Your fake I.D." He said, holding it up in front of her face.

Her gaze narrowed when she saw her picture and name and shouted "What the fuck Finn!" She tried to snatched it out of his hand but Finn must've anticipated her next move because he quickly moved his hand behind his back. "I never asked you to...wha-," She took a deep breath before she continued. "Give it to me Finn." She asked nicely.

"Fuck you." He spat and turned around.

Lexa moved to grab him and wrapped her arm around his neck pressing hard against his throat. "Do you have any idea in how much FUCKING trouble this could get me into, you fucking idiot!"

"Let me go!!" He shouted, struggling against her hold.

"What the hell!" Jasper shouted. "Let him go.....chill Lexa, what happened?" The boy asked.

Lexa loosened her grip and shoved him away. "Give it to me Finn, I'm not going to ask you again." She asked ignoring her friends.

"Why don't you ask your fucking girlfriend, she was the one who told me to get one for you." He said throwing the I.D to the floor and walked away with Jasper following him. 

Lexa looked as if she was going to explode. She was furious and she was sure she was going to kill Olivia. 

"You alright Lexa?" She heard Monty's concerned voice from behind. She turned to look at her friend and nodded her head then walked away. 

She made sure to calm down before she made it to the blonde's classroom. She knows that Clarke most of the time, comes back to eat in her classroom during lunch.  
She knocked on the door softly. When she heard no response, she pushed open the door and quietly entered. 

"Clarke." She called in a low voice walking towards the desk making sure not to startled the blonde in case she was in the room. Unfortunately, Clarke was not there. As she turned to leave, she noticed the tulips in the trash. Instantly she started to wonder why Clarke had trashed the flowers. Perhaps Clarke does not like flowers. She couldn't help but feel a little......hurt. 

She picked up the small card that came with the flowers and place it safely in her back pocket. Then pulled out the purple tulip out of the flower arrangement and took it with her. 

Before she exits the classroom she took a moment to compose herself and hide the small twinge of sadnesses.

* * *

 

When Clarke entered the cafeteria she was surprised to see Anya sitting in deep conversation with Lexa's father. 

She busied herself talking to some of the other teachers around as she watched them from afar. She couldn't help but wonder if the brunette knew that her father was visiting the school.

When she saw the man stand up and leave, Anya had a pensive look; her face was calm but there was also something curious about her expression and decided to approached the table.

"Hey." She said quietly as she took a seat next to her. "That was Lexa's father." 

Anya nodded. "Yeah." She replied and furrowed her brows. "How do you know?" 

"I've seen him....on the newspapers." She responded quickly.

"Yeah. Of course." 

"Everything ok?" She asked. 

"Yeah. Now, more than ever." Anya responded giving her a smile.

She left it at that, not wanting to pry into Lexa's private family affairs.

* * *

 

On her way to the cafeteria Lexa finds her father walking on the hallway. 

"Gustus." She says stopping for a second and gestures for him to turn and walk with her. He does. "Have you talk to Indra?"

"I was headed that way." He says firmly. "This is the best decision for your future, Alexandria."

"It doesn't matter. I do want to make something very clear." She told him as they entered the cafeteria, stopping in her tracks and turns to look at him straight in his eyes. Her father's face set in a stern expression. "I want you to know that I'm not doing this for you.....I have my reasons-"

"I never doubted that." He interrupted, in a half-sad, affectionate tone, for a second his stern look softened but quickly disappeared.

"Good." She answered sharply. She quickly scans the place and finds her favorite blonde among the crowd, Clarke met her gaze only to quickly look away, she could do nothing but feel a tiny of sadness. She ignored it and forced herself to look away, keeping her eyes straight ahead as she continued to listen to her father speak. 

"I want to have the option to graduate early." She interrupted Gustus. 

"I don't think that's wise-" 

"I don't care what you think." She said, without a blink. "I want to...travel before I sell my soul." 

"Very well then, I'll arrange everything." He says, ignoring her remarks. "My secretary will be in touch with you about everything else."

"Good." She takes a step to leave, "Oh! And I need a car." 

Gustus meet her gaze. "Go to the agency of your choice and have them call my office, Harper; my secretary will take care of the rest."

"Just like that?" She squints her eyes, looking at her father, looking at his dull, lifeless eyes with dark shadows beneath them. -She wonders if Clarke was right and in fact he has been bearing his weight all these years.

"Yes." He replied. "Anything else you need?"

She lets her gaze move around the place again and when her gaze reached Clarke's, it moved no further, this time the blonde smiled at her discreetly, but she did not return the smile and saw the slightest fall in Clarke's face, and she felt a twinge of sadness again. "No." She replied as she looked down at the purple tulip in her hand and reached out for the breast pocket of her father's jacket and placed the tulip inside, then gave it a little pat. "Not at the moment dad." She forced a smile and walked away. 

She strides formidably through the group of people that were entering the cafeteria and finds her friends at their usual table. As soon as she sits down, Olivia reaches for her hand and whispers in her ear asking if she was ok. She nods. Her eyes drifting toward Clarke, instantly captivated by those beautiful blue eyes gazing back at her with a hint of concern.

“Are you okay? You seem ..sad,” Olivia said, concern lacing her tone.

“Sad?” Lexa whispered under her breath, forcing herself to break the intense gaze with the blonde. Her head tilted to one side as she observed Olivia and gave the girl a smile. "I'm fine. So.... Catwoman? Or The Commander?" 

"You're going!!" Olivia squealed. When she bobs her head with a grin the girl wrapped her arms around her in excitement. She chuckles and leans into the hug taking some much needed comfort. But immediately breaks away, feeling a bit uncomfortable and not wanting Clarke to think that there's something more than a friendship with the girl.

Clarke saw it all in front of her eyes, she saw the cold, expressionless mask with piercing green eyes. She saw how the girl talked to her father more calmly than last time. She also saw how the brunette placed the same purple tulip she had trashed earlier into her father's breast pocket, and how Lexa's father pulled it out to trash it as well. A pang of guilt settled in her gut, quickly replaced by a fresh wave of hurt when the brunette averted her gaze, purposely ignoring her to happily embrace the petite girl. That was her dismissal. She stood up without saying a word and walked out of the cafeteria. _I guess I deserve that._ She told herself.

* * *

 

"Damn it!" 

Lexa heard the blonde exclaimed as she entered the art classroom closing the door behind. Quickly took noticed of the shattered glass on the floor.

"Tell me what that thing did to you so I can make sure I won’t ever do the same.” She said and a smile broke across her face.

Clarke was startled to see the brunette. "Do you ever knock?" 

"I did." She tells her.

"Well, what do you want?" The blonde asked solemnly. 

"Well, hello to you too." 

Clarke is looking at her unamused. She tries to meet her eyes, but the blonde denied her access, not a single muscle on her beautiful face moves.

"Ok. What's wrong?" She questioned and sees Clarke walk around, wonders if she's avoiding to walk by the shattered glass or her.

"And what makes you think something is wrong?" The blonde speaks from across the room, taking out a mini brush and dust pan from the closet.

"Clearly, something _is_ wrong, Clarke. " She gestures to broken glass and sees the blonde rolls her eyes walking past her. "I can see that something is bothering you. Can't you just tell me?"

"Nothing. is wrong Lexa. Now go to your Class or you'll be late." Clarke says sternly, and crouched down to start cleaning up the mess.

She sighs and strides towards the woman and gets down on one knee beside her. "I just want to know if you're ok?" Lexa asked with all sincerity in her eyes.

"I already told you I'm fine." 

Her head drops and lets out a sigh. "Let me." She says gently, taking the brush and dust pan from her. 

"I got it." Clarke told her. Her expression was stubborn and it made her look even more beautiful to her.

"You might cut yourself." 

"And you won't?" She huffed, snatching the brush away just enough to make her stumble launching her forward. She extended her arm to regain balance and break her fall. As her hand landed on the ground, a spike of broken glass pierced the palm of her hand. 

"Ah, fuck!" She winces in pain. 

"Oh God, Lexa I'm so sorry. I-" 

"It's fine. It's noth-"

"You're bleeding..." Clarke exclaims quickly taking a hold of the her hand and starts to examine the wound.  
It's actually not that big, there is a small piece of glass that is stuck and there's just a lot of blood.  
"Why are you so stubborn, I told you I had it." She says and quickly goes to find her First Aid kit that she keeps inside her desk.

"Me? Stubborn?" Lexa chuckles and sits on top of her desk. 

Clarke ignored her and began to pull out everything she needed to clean the wound. She stands beside the girl, avoiding to stand between her legs. "I'm gonna clean the wound now," She warns and Lexa nods. 

Blinding pain streaked down her palm. "Ah! Fuck." She jerked her hand from Clarke's grasp.

"Don't be a baby." She teased holding the girls hand tighter as she remove the small piece of glass.

Lexa hissed. "Says the one who is not spilling her guts. Do I need stitches?"

"If you'd stop moving so damn much I could probably save your hand." The corner of her lips twitched at the unamused look Lexa gave her in return. "You're so dramatic. You don't need stitches, it'll be fine. " 

"Hey. Seriously—how would I manage without a hand, Clarke?"

Clarke quickly meet her eyes and smirked teasingly. _I'm sure I can th..._ She quickly halted her train of thought before it could go any farther, _Too late_ The girl is too smart, the wicked glint in her eyes nearly sent her crumbling to the floor. 

_Oh. Clarke. Clarke. You just walked yourself into that one._ When she was about to speak the blonde pointed a finger in front of her.

"Stop," Clarke groaned inwardly, knowing where Lexa's mind was going. "That's...that's not what I meant." Her blush clearly visible from 50 meters. _Ugh_ , the way that Lexa could do this to her so easily... it was ridiculous. She had to clear her throat.

"I didn't say anything." Lexa smirked, teasing her still. Clarke blushing was without a doubt the cutest thing she'd ever seen in her life. 

A minute later the bleeding had stop, She saw how the blonde went in complete 'doctor mode', when the entire wound and gauze pads were covered, she secured the outer gauze with medical adhesive tape. Lexa raised an eyebrow, impressed. 

“Impressed?” Clarke teased.

Lexa can't help but smile. Butterflies fluttering in her stomach.

"I'm sorry." Clarke said, running the pad of her thumb with such delicacy over her hand trying to soothe. 

“Nothing a little kiss won’t mend.” The corner of her lip pulled, giving the tiniest hint of a smile and hears the blonde let out a small laugh.  
"Where did you learn to do that?" - _Stupid question._ But everything she's been doing lately has been. 

"My mother....she's a doctor," Clarke started saying turning to trash all the bloody cloths, then noticed the flowers in the trash, feeling terrible she takes them out and placed the tulips on top of her desk, unable to meet Lexa's eyes she continues, "I went to Medical School after I-"

"You—went to Medical school?" Lexa interrupts, ignoring the flowers, for now. She was surprised to find out such an important part of Clarke's life, it's not everyday the woman opens up to her.

"Yes. I did. Is that so hard to believe?" Clarke said a bit flippantly.

She felt her stomach tightened. _Shit._ "'Oh—no—no, of course Not! That's not what I meant Clarke." she hastily assured her. "God, you're smart, kind with a brilliant heart...." She braced herself to continue, her list could go on; the woman hung too big in her sky, "You just don't seem...." She paused the moment she saw the blonde with a wide grin.

"Relax." Clarke called out, not being able to bite back the amusement from her voice. "I was kidding, but yes. Medicine is definitely not my calling, that's as far as I got." She motioned towards her hand. "You're already late for class." 

She shrugged. -For this woman in front of her, she would do anything. Even if it meant skipping class for the first time in her life. 

"You can go to the nurse and have it checked, I'll.." 

"There's no need. I trust you." She reassured her. 

Clarke gives her a shy smile and responds with a simple "Ok." 

"You sure you ok?" She asked again.  
Clarke gives her a light nod.  
"And.....we're ok?" She felt the need to ask staring deep into those blues that hold hers captive. They both shared a smile. 

Clarke's heart went all fluttery inside as piercing green eyes with golden flecks, seared into her, burning the truth of her words on her soul. She lets out a shaky breath, trying to slow her heartbeat. She knew she was falling for this girl and falling fast, this was just beyond her.  
"Yes." She replied. 

Clarke's reply was faint. But Lexa had learned not to push the blonde, instead she gave her a gentle nod as she stared into those cerulean eyes and smiled. -Those eyes that make her heart melt. 

When the blonde meet Lexa's gaze, the girl is smiling at her tenderly, like she was the only thing in the world that she sees. "Stop looking at me like that." Clarke whispered. 

"Like what?" Lexa asked dumbly. _How else could I look at you Clarke when you are the most beautiful woman I've ever met and the only one that makes my heart beat faster?_ She wanted to say. 

"Like that." Her voice low and heavy. A soft smile flickers on the brunette's face and she hears her sigh deeply. 

"Isn't that a problem....I don't know how else to look at you Clarke." She said, her eyes dropping to the blonde's lips, which retained a hint of their usual smile. Lexa then wondered if Clarke knew she was possibly the most beautiful woman on the planet.

"Look at me like you would normally look at anyone." She stupidly suggested.

_But, you're not just anyone Clarke_ In her mind she wonders, _Will Clarke ever be hers? Or is the woman too high up for her to reach?_  
"I do." Lexa lied, and for a moment, the sadness in her voice echoed hers. 

They both fell into a weird silence not really knowing how to proceed with the conversation. This moment right here was so ridiculously personal and intimate as green gazed deeply into blues. 

Clarke tilted her head and pressed a palm to her cheek, the tips of her fingers curling into the brunette's hair. Her gaze roved her face, seeing everything in a glance and she thought that her heart could never again be made to beat but she'd been wrong. It was happening. The love that she has been avoiding all this time, dazzling before her. Brilliant green eyes, deep as the forest in spring capturing hers, her breath caught on her throat. God, help her. She wanted to kiss her. She could feel the tension in her own body, the effort of holding back, of not pulling her against her and taking this once chance, however stupid, dangerous and unwise it was. She began leaning closer and closer, pressing the gentlest kiss on Lexa's mouth. 

They're eyes closed just as they're lips touched. It was just a sweet brushing of lips, with the faintest of pressure, unbearably soft

Clarke lingered there on her lips, both of them still as statues until Clarke's forehead leaned in to rest gently against hers and feeling her warm breath brushing against her face. 

"What are you doing to me?" Clarke said through broken whispers, her thumb brushing over her lips as blue eyes pierced into hers. 

Lexa breathed in the moment for a few more seconds then slowly came down from the desk to stand in front of her Goddess. She was done waiting. It was up to her to take the first step and cross the invisible line between them. This was her chance. 

She stepped closer and slid her arm around the blonde's waist pulling her into her. Her heart thudding heavily on her chest. She held her close and captured her lips. Sending a bolt of electricity that crossed her body once their lips collided, moving her lips against hers and tasting the sweetness she lusted for so long. Her body melted against her as Clarke completely surrendered to her kiss. She kissed her slowly and passionately.  
Clarke's hands went around her neck and pulled her even closer, which made her increase the pace and eagerly unleash all the passion she felt. Quickening her already fast beating heart, stealing her breath.  
Clarke's tongue tore into her mouth invading and conquering, sinking her fingers into her hair, cupping the back of her head to prevent her from moving.  
As if she was going anywhere.  
She lost herself in her kiss. Clarke was a good kisser. A fabulous kisser. She lost all sense to reality. 

_This. Was. Heaven._

 

* * *

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers, I feel terrible for letting you guys down, it's taken me so long to update but there's a perfectly good explanation for that which I wont go into detail but the last two weeks have been filled with lots of stress and obviously, writing has not been my top priority.  
> I had the chapters ready, I didn't want to post them because I didn't have time to re-re-re-re-read it as usual, but I hope you guys are ok with it and I apologize for any errors. Next two will be post by the end of the day. Enjoy and thanks again for all the kudos, reviews and supportive comments!

Their kisses turned from hungry to soft and gentle. The warmth of Clarke's skin against her own felt heavenly, her sweet scent, her hands explored the gentle curves of her back and traced down to rest on her hips as their lips parted in mutual fulfillment.

She tilted her head slightly as she looked at the woman in her arms, watching and appraising. Both meeting each other's eyes in a knowing gaze. Breathlessly. She could feel the beat of the blonde's heart pounding against her's in response and even though she can't speak and say the words she wants to say she knows she feels it too. 

“Wow,” She said, _No. That was fucking amazing._ it's actually what she wanted to say. Their forehead pressed together, she closes her eyes as she breathes in the moment a little longer and whisper leaning in brushing Clarke's soft lips. "I was right." 

"Hmm?" 

"Your lips" Lexa murmured almost silently lingering on the blonde's lips, "They do taste strawberry sweet." 

Clarke lets out a soft chuckle and pulled her down to meet her lips for another kiss. 

"And you’re a fantastic kisser.” Clarke's voice was very dreamy. 

Lexa's heart skipped a beat and a dozen more butterflies joined the ones in her stomach. 

"You thought about that?"

Clarke pulled her down once again for a quick kiss. After a moment more, she slid up to Lexa's ear, "Everyday", she confessed and kissed the spot just under her ear then trailed simple kisses along her jawline. _God,_ she had always wanted to do that, she grinned in contentment while looking into those dazzling green eyes, then rested her forehead against Lexa's once more, breathing in her scent deeply. 

"You know" Lexa started, sporting a small, crooked half-smirk. "You're not too ba-."

The rest of the sentence was cut off by Clarke gripping her gently by the back of the neck bringing her mouth to hers. 

Clarke smiles. "You are so full of yourself." 

 

“I must be dreaming?” She asked and saw how Clarke's face spread into a wide grin that grew even wider as she pulled her.

“I don’t think so…” Clarke smiled and bit the brunette's bottom lip. 

_Ow! Ok. Definitely not a dream._

Both smiled into their kiss. 

Minutes later, suddenly their conversation fell into silence. Lexa saw how Clarke fell deep into her own thoughts. She feared, it couldn't be over so soon.

"Lexa, I- we need to-"  
Clarke managed to let out before Lexa's finger was on her mouth then lovingly mapped every plane and angle of her face. She closes her eyes as the brunette embraced her very lovingly.

"Shhhh." Lexa places a lingering kiss on her forehead, unable and unwilling to talk about everything that was terrifying her as well at the moment. "I know. But not now....Not yet." She asked and Clarke nods.

"I'm sorry about the flowers. They're beautiful." Clarke said softly, entwining her fingers with hers unable to meet her gaze and focusing on their hands instead. 

Lexa lifts the blonde's chin with her index finger and traced her lips with her thumb, owning her focus.  
“You're beautiful.” She murmured as Clarke continued to hold her gaze captive. Shivers racing through her. _Jesus_ , she can’t get enough of her. She decided then and there that she wanted to spend the rest of her life looking at those pretty blues, tasting her soft lips and continue kissing her forever. She still can't believe she's letting her kiss her. _Me._

Clarke looks into Lexa's loving eyes. She leans over and plants a small, chaste kiss on the her lips. Both of them, without actually saying anything, but the words were quietly spoken. However wrong this was, it feels right. Clarke does not regret kissing her, for this single moment in time she feels relax, complete and happy. She thinks that even if she did, could she possibly go back from this? When she already felt Lexa's gentle touch, tasted her lips, her kisses. _No_ she does not want this time with Lexa to end right now. She doesn't regret it, that's a fact. _But not now. Not yet._

"All things considered we do need to talk." Clarke told her.

"We can meet later or tomo-"

"I can't. I already have plans. I'll be out of town this weekend with O and some friends." 

"O?" Lexa inquires.

"Octavia, you met her the other night.....at the restaurant." 

"Oh, right." Lexa bobs her head. "When will you get back?"

"Probably late Sunday evening." 

Lexa nodded. If Clarke was leaving today and returning Sunday that meant she wouldn't be able to see her until Monday morning at school.

"I have a class coming in a few," Clarke tells her, already letting go of her hand and taking a step back. She ponder a minute, unsure of where they stand. "So...uh...."

"Oh, yeah. ” She says. The room suddenly feels quieter as she lingers, already missing Clarke's touch. _Now what?_ This, she had not considered. What is she suppose to do now that the moment has passed and it's time to face reality, can she still kiss her goodbye? They should've talked. Where do they stand? Is Clarke hers now? Deciding to stop all the questions going through her head, she leaned down and gently kissed the blonde once more and Clarke gladly returned her kiss. 

Lexa turns to head towards the door and Clarke follows her. Before she reached to open the door she turned around once more and this time Clarke leaned to peck her lips. 

"I'll see you Monday."

"Call me." Lexa tells her as she steps out the classroom.

"I will." She replied.

 _You are well and truly fucked._ Clarke chastised herself as she returned to sit at her desk. With a shaky breath she said, "Fucked!"  
She had no idea what will happen next.  
_But not yet._  
For the rest of the day she buried herself in a pile of work with a smile on her face.

 

//

Clarke is like a drug her. It's frustrating waiting. A text or a quick phone call could make her day a lot better. She wonders what the blonde is doing, if she is really busy or with someone else. 

She starts to question, does she regret it _is she even thinking of her? I guess not._ since she has been waiting impatiently since the day before for the her to call. But she will allow more reasonable time before she goes into an emotional frenzy. 

After her morning run, she took a shower and dressed quickly, today was the day she was to pick up her new car; feeling pretty satisfied and confident, she made her way down the stairs to start her day. 

As she got closer to the kitchen, she smelled a familiar scent of home cook breakfast. Anya and Raven sat in the kitchen island eating breakfast.

"Morning ladies. ” She greeted cheerfully, hoping for a return smile which none of them did.

"Pancakes?" Raven asked, setting the dishes on the sink.

 _Nice for her to ask but...._ "No, thanks. I'm grabbing breakfast with Liv and Luna."

"You're going for your car?" Anya asked her.

"Yes."

"Are you two back together?" Asked Raven, sitting back and focused on her.

"Who?" She turned to look at the woman with a puzzled expression.

With a roll of her eyes Anya answered, "She means Olivia, unless you and Lu-"

"No." She told her firmly then turned to Raven. "And no."

"Weren't you two together for some time?" Raven pressed, standing up again sipping on her coffee.

"Yes. Were. As in, long time ago." She responded a tad annoyed because why the sudden interest in her dating life? 

"So, you're not dating anyone right now?" Raven asked curiously, arms crossed leaning on the counter.

Now very confused indeed, Lexa looked curiously to Anya, who could only shrug her shoulder in reply.

"Any of your friends coming tonight?" Anya asked trying to redirect the conversation, fully aware that her girlfriend was touching personal grounds she hadn't dared enter before.

"Uh. Yeah, around midnight most likely. Why?" She began, her gaze on the Latina who was watching Anya intently. "You said it was fine right?" Anya's gaze shifting away from her to meet Raven's.

"Yeah. It's fine. Just make sure there's no drinking."

Lexa looked between her cousin and Raven, brown eyes narrowing at Anya's words. _What's her deal?_

"No alcohol. Got it." She smiles at her cousin. "So, is there a lot of people coming? I mean from school. Any-"

“Oh An, I forgot to tell you." Raven interrupts. _Rude._ "Clarke called me last night and said she wouldn't be coming. She's got a date tonight.” 

_Confusion._

"A date...who?" Anya asked with a raised eyebrow.

"She's a friend of O's."

_Disbelief._

"She told me she was not gonna make it, but she forgot to mention the date."

_Same Anya. Same._

_Betrayal._

"Yeah, O set them up. And from what I heard the _woman_ is a hottie." 

Fear. All those emotions going through her. Just yesterday she had been holding Clarke, kissing her and today she is going on a date? 

Sure, it was just a kiss. A kiss that rocked her world and took her a step above heaven. But to Clarke it meant nothing? _No. Obviously_ , it didn't. _She lied._ Clarke lied. _Was that the reason why she was so adamant about talking?_ Because she is seeing someone already. _Fuck._ No. _Stop it!_ She told herself. Clarke said she was going out with friends. She should trust her. Their kiss was more than real. She knows. 

Yet, in the array of feelings that hit her so hard, she had not noticed Raven going silent, waiting her out, it was as if she was gauging her reaction against what she just said. 

Throughout the years, she has learned to rope in her emotions, but this was different, she is struggling a little, somehow everything about Clarke affects her differently and has no control over.

"Miss Woods, Miss Reyes." Luna greets politely stepping into the kitchen with Olivia next to her.

They couldn't have chosen a more perfect time to walk in. Lexa thought.

"Oooh pancakes!" Olivia says grabbing her fork. The girl was about to dig into the batch of pancakes, stopping when she saw Lexa's green eyes plastered on her. "Wha-"

"Let's go," Lexa says, standing up, "It's getting late." Forcing a smile and in a cheerful tone adds. "You two enjoy the rest of your day!" Pulling both of her friends out the door with her.

"But.....pancakes." Olivia pouts.

"We'll get breakfast on the way." She says.

"You're paying!" Luna tells her.

"Don't I always?" She rolls her eyes.

//

Slow jam plays in the background as they make their way to the dealership to pick up her new car. Lexa deep in thought on the passenger seat, she wanted to silence her mind but there were so many questions swimming in her head, she was so confused.  
Was she the only one with actual feelings here? 

She was sure there was something more here beyond the attraction and sexual tension between them. It's true she doesn't know much about the blonde but the connection between them is undeniable and Clarke seems like an honest person. _Damn it._ Why couldn't she just called and make all these mixed emotions go away. She took her phone out and checked for the hundredth time that morning. _Still Nothing._

"Ok! Stop! Now." Luna shouts snapping her out of her thoughts. "Who is she?" 

"She, who?" She turned her head to  
look at Luna in the back seat.

"The girl who's got you so desperately waiting on her call, text or whatever."

"You're seeing someone." Olivia accused. "I already know."

"I'm not." She tried.

"Lexa, we're friends. We know you too well." Luna smiles. "Who is she?"

"It's no one."

"O.M.G!" Olivia shouts startling her and Luna at the same time. "I know her. That's why you don't want to tell me. Well, hit me. I'll take it like a champ." Olivia grins. "It's Luna, isn't it?"

"What the fuck?" Luna blurted out.

"Eww, No." She says making a disgusted face.

Luna punches her playfully on the arm. "Who is it?"

"Ahhh, fine! Yes. I'm into someone. But we're not together......yet." She smiles. "Annd you guys don't know her, so don't ask who it is." 

"Told ya! Our girl was fucking someone." Olivia turns to look at Luna. "$20 bucks, pay up!" 

"I ain't paying you shit. I never agreed, besides they're not fucking......yet." Luna smirks.

"You guys bet on me having sex?" She asked incredulously.

"Always." Luna tells her handing over a ten dollar bill. "Who is she?"

"I already told you. You don't know her." She stops and ponders. "Ughhh you guys, she drives me insane sometimes you know, but she's too goddamn adorable for her own good, she....." she paused again, unsure if she should continue.

"Go. On!" Olivia smiles encouraging her to continue.

"She's- she's amazing Liv, the most beautiful woman-"

"Woman, holy fuck! Do tell." Luna exclaims. 

"She is...older than me. But it's too complicated."

"Why?" Asked Luna.

"Because it .....just is."

"She's straight?" Olivia asked. 

She shook her head. 

"Ooh, she's not out?" Luna counters.

"No. It's-it's more complicated than that." She sighs heavily.

"Can't think of anything more complicated than..." Olivia takes a moment, a second later she is flashing a surprise look. "You're fucking a married woman?"

Lexa stayed silent in thought. All of those would be better than Clarke being her teacher. There are so many things at risks and most of them affecting Clarke.

"Yo!" Luna exclaims bringing her out of her thoughts. "She is!"

"No!! God-She's not married." Lexa chuckles and as soon as the car parks she adds . "We're here, C'mon." Quickly stepping out of the car before her friends start asking more questions she can't give answers to.

//

They arrived at the club around 10pm. She is still unsure about this whole thing but she is not about to spend her night alone in her room wondering where the blonde is, in hopes that going out will distract her from the reality of her crumbling romantic aspirations. She wanted to keep her mind off the situation and what better way than going clubbing and spend time with her friends.

Olivia squealed and dragged her out of the cab as soon as they got there. They showed their IDs to the bouncer, with no trouble they easily made their way inside. Of course Murphy already had everything set up. 

Finn leads them upstairs to a seating area in the farthest part of the club, where Murphy and other friends sit. She immediately recognized a few of them from the time she attended Arkadia High. Atom, Fox, Murphy, Mel, Riley and Miller. 

"Heda!" Miller shouts.

"What's up guys." She greets when she approached the booth, introducing them to the rest of her friends.

"This place is jamming, lets dance!" Olivia shouts pulling Fox and Atom to the dance floor.

"Lost your Wanheda?" Asked Murphy with a smirk checking her costume out. 

Lexa rolls her eyes because Olivia is dressed up as Khaleesi. "Where's Emori?"

"She'll get here." He smirks. "Drinks?"

"I'll help." She offers.

"Sure!" Murphy leans forward. "You're 21 now, Enjoy!" 

"Lead the way." She follows Murphy to the bar. After a few minutes, the bartender made her way over to their area and said, "What can I get ya, sweetheart?"

Murphy steps in front, "Sweetheart and I want the cheapest beer you got." Murphy answered. 

_Cheap ass._ "Beer?"

An arrogant smile stretched his lips. "It will do the job."

"And you?" The bartender asked her.

"The commander and I will take 5 mind eraser shots." 

She spun around when she heard the voice behind her, her face lighting up when she recognizes the college student.

"Ontari." 

"Heda." Ontari bows playfully.

"John Murphy!" The boy sports a grin. Both girls turned to look at him, but paid no attention.

"Well, isn't this a lovely surprise." Ontari tells her.

"Sure is." Murphy smirks checking Ontari out.

"Don't mind him." Lexa tells her friend. "Who else is with you?"

"Echo, Gaia, and Costia. We're over there." she points out downstairs. "Maybe you wanna stop by and hang out?" 

"Yeah. Of course." 

"Ooh. Thanks for the shots John." Ontari winks at him picking up 4 shots and leaving the other behind.

"Dammmn." Murphy says as he downs the shot. "YOU OWE ME A DANCE!" He shouts.

Lexa shakes her head because she already knows what's coming.

"Who owes you a dance John?" Emori walks around to stand in front of Murphy with a death stare.

"You! You are just in time babe!" Murphy kisses the girl's cheek and hands over a couple of beer bottles to take but the girl looks at him with a sour expression. 

"Lexa." Emori turns to walk with her, both leaving Murphy alone as they make their way back to the group.

//


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you guys can have an idea. 
> 
> [Clarke's Costume ](https://www.thecostumeland.com/images/zoom/rm4525-sexy-sailor-maiden-women-halloween-costumes.jpg)
> 
>  
> 
> [Lexa's face paint](http://cdn1-www.afterellen.com/assets/uploads/2016/02/The-100-303-19.png)
> 
>  
> 
> Hello. Again I apologize for any errors. Enjoy and thanks again for all the kudos, reviews and comments!

//

"Ugh, I smell like cigarettes and bad decisions, that's nice isn't it?" 

"Where did that rebellious spirit go Princess!" Bellamy shouts from behind as they enter the nightclub. The place is crowded, there are no empty tables or booths and people dancing to the loud beat of the music.

"What are you doing standing there? C'mon, Lets dance!!" Octavia shouts dragging her along with her surprise date. Niylah an attractive blonde. 

All three make their way to the dance floor. Clarke begins to sway to the beat of the music, keeping her gaze ahead at her group of friends who found empty stools by the bar. After a few minutes Octavia disappears leaving the two alone to dance. Niylah in front of her starts to grind her hips into hers, and Clarke begins to loose herself in the music, and starts grinding her own hips into the blonde in front of her. She shouldn't but she is. 

As much as she has tried to disconnect her thoughts from the green eyed brunette she can't seem to. She's desperate to see her, kiss her and hold her again. She can't see a future with the girl, for obvious reasons but she doesn't dare to move past it, her mind, her heart don't seem to get it. 

Niylah's wandering hands start moving from her hips to her upper thighs pushing her impossibly close, the woman brings her hand around her neck and tangled in her hair, leaning in as though to kiss her, it took her less than a second to understand her intentions, quickly denying her access to her lips and she takes a step back.

"I—I'm sorry —” she moved still farther away, unsure if the woman could hear her but she continues. "I'm flattered but I—" 

Niylah nodded her head in understanding. 

Clarke gave her an apologetic smile. "I'm gonna get a drink." She said, abandoning the woman in the middle of the dance floor. She didn't mean to lead her on. _Fuck._ She mutters to herself as she makes her way to the bar. Her friends are no longer there, she scans the crowd for her entourage. A moment later she feels someone's touch on her shoulder and turns, it's Niylah. 

"Hey, they're over there." She tells her pointing in their direction and turns to look at the woman. 

"Lets grab a drink." She said.

"Yup, c'mon." Niylah smirks leading her to the bar. "What do you want?"

"Martini."

"Of course." Niylah smiles. "Dry or dirty?"

"Dirty?" She says.

"You got it." Niylah replies with a wink.

//

Lexa worked her way through the crowd to the other side of the club and spots the group of college girls sitting at the table. She knows Gaia since her freshman year, Indra's daughter and became friends with Ontari and Echo during a summer program she attended over at Polis University.

"Lexa!!!" Gaia calls her over waving her hand.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in." Said Echo. 

"Hey yourself," she retorted, and Echo grinned slowly. "How's the life?"

"The life is good." Echo laughs and she smiles in return.

"Lexa....allow me to introduce you to my cousin, Costia!" Gaia said with an expansive sweep of her arm. 

Lexa grinned at the way Gaia slurred her words. "Ah! The famous Costia." She says giving the girl a warm smile and held out her hand. "Nice to meet you." 

Costia who is dressed up as Lagertha, tilts her head to the side, "Famous?" She questioned taking her hand, giving her a flirty smile as their eyes made contact. 

"You are the talk of these three." She tells the hazel-eyed blonde. 

"Hey. All good, I hope." Costia glanced between all three girls.

"Of course. Harvard girl." She teased. 

"Oh. I strongly recommend it." Responded the girl with the contagious smile. 

Her mouth twitched. "Harvard or the girl?" 

"Both." Costia replies smirking at her before studying her.

She nods, grinning at her sass. "Duly noted."

"Ok. You two, stop being disgustingly flirty and cute." Ontari tells them.

_Flirting?_ No. She's being friendly. She only has eyes for only one woman and that's Clarke. 

They were having fun with each other talking and drinking, until her eyes travel across the place and catches a glimpse of blonde hair, but not just any blonde hair, it's the one she looks for every morning at school. Her eyes settled on that gorgeous blonde....... _Clarke_. If this is what they call fate, then she believes wholeheartedly, it seems as if fate was telling them they were meant to be together. 

The blonde stands about 3 tables away from her, struck in awe. She looks stunning in her white sailor dress costume, breathtaking, her pale skin almost glowing in the flashing lights of the club. 

She stood there enthralled watching the woman as she smiles and seems to be having a good time with her friends, she recognizes two of them out of the group, Octavia and Bellamy. 

When the blonde turned her face straight ahead she meets her gaze directly and time stood still. 

As soon as Clarke's eyes met hers, her heart flutters. She held her face discreetly blank, she knew exactly what was going to happen next. She should hide, but she can't seem to move. They stood looking at each other a few seconds. Lexa pretended to be engaged on the group's conversation.

Clarke is surprised to see the brunette there, she can't be imagining this. It is Lexa. _What is she doing here?_ She could see the brunette's expression was fierce, tender and possessive, as she watched her, her eyes stare right back into her's and before they realized it they had locked eyes. 

Clarke thought she must've be standing with a look of shock on her face, because she felt Niylah's hand on her shoulder and concerned voice in her ear "You all right?"

She nodded. "I need to use the restroom." She tells her already stepping away.

Before Lexa knew it, Clarke was heading her way. 

_Fuck._

The woman had fixed her gaze on her, not breaking eye contact she passed by the table, just steps beside her. Lexa's gaze followed the blonde, turning her head as Clarke passed by, saw the blonde turned to see if she was still looking, and of course she knew she was. With her head she called her over. 

With the corner of her eye she saw Ontari smiling at her. 

"She's hot." Ontari tells her and smiles encouragingly. "Good luck." 

"I wish." she laughed and glances at the group. "I better get back, it was nice seeing you guys." She said excusing herself. 

Lexa follows the blonde obediently, hastily making her way towards the same direction Clarke went which leads to the outside part of the club. She wanted to get to the blue-eyed woman immediately, she wanted to touch her, hold her, and kiss...

"What the hell are you doing here?" The blonde demanded, staring up at her, her big beautiful blue eyes wide and her flawless face had become a mask of fury.

Lexa opens her mouth and closes it again. She held her chin up to meet Clarke's fiery eyes, also determined not to back down. _Well, shit, nice to see you too._ A kiss would've been nice. She gives the blonde a smile. All she wants to do is lean in and captured those red lips. But has no chance, because Clarke's death grip is on her wrist, pushing everyone that's on her way aside leading her to the loneliest corner space she sees.

"Clarke!" She shouts. Nothing. When she sees that the blonde has no intention on stopping she yanks her arm away and Clarke quickly turns to look at her. 

Clarke's stare is sharp. "Are you drunk?" 

"No! Are you?" She demanded.

"Who else is here with you?" 

"Friends." She answered which did not seem to be a good enough answer to satisfied the blonde. She tried to pass her to go back inside, she gets it, she truly does. She knows that she shouldn't be here, but she was not going to be yelled at or be treated like a child. 

Clarke stood squarely in her way. 

"You're not going back in there." The blonde commanded with real anger in her voice. "Do you know how dangerous this could be?"

Lexa briefly purses her lips. "Clarke." She warns.

"You're going home or I swear I'll call Anya right-"

"I'm not a child, Clarke." She yelled back, locking her fiery eyes with her. 

"Lexa...." The blonde countered challenging her glare. 

She sighs dramatically, melting just a bit. In a way the universe seems to be on her side. Why are they wasting this precious time doing this? She reasoned. _Clarke is so cute angry._ Lexa thought, the blonde's expression really is adorable, but everything else about the woman is also an absolute pleasure to look at. In her sailor costume, from the smallest accessories to her outfit and of course the lovely curves of her body, fully displaying her perfectly ample breasts. For a moment she lost her thought, she hadn't seen those beautiful succulent orbs since the very first day they met. 

"Dance with me and I'll go." She said in negotiation. 

"What?" The blonde stared at her incredulously. "Of course not.....I-” Clarke hesitated, looking around to see if anyone was looking making sure they hadn't attract the attention of others. Then she turned and took a moment to look at the girl, in her outrage she had not taken the time to appreciate her outfit and _oh man_ , Lexa was so visually captivating, her cheekbones are high arching perfect on her face, face paint around her green eyes. Clarke sighed, licked her lips as her gaze flicked down to the girl's mouth. The brunette's lips were parted ever so slightly, and they looked absolutely delicious and inviting. _God_ she wanted to lean and kiss her. It's all she thought all day.

"One dance." Lexa promised smiling out at her, well aware of the effect she had on her.

She paused as she thought about the offer, she shouldn't but there are so many other things she shouldn't have done this past weeks. She pulls her gaze away from Lexa, turning towards a group of friends in front of them and thought that anyone could recognize her here, it would be best to go back inside. She heaves a heavy sigh and looks the brunette over who had a hopeful grin on her face that quickly turned into a mischievous smirk as she caught her staring at her chest. The girl didn’t even flinch or look away when she raises her eyebrow at her gaze. _Lexa is such a boob girl_ , she chuckles. The girl is definitely not being subtle about it. Clarke rolls her eyes and gives her a tight lip smile, with a knowing gaze. But the girl has no shame instead she bites on her lower lip with a glint in her green eyes as she steps closer. 

Lexa curved her lips as her arms go around her waist pulling her to her more firmly. "Hi." She whispers, her voice soft and raspy. 

"Hi," she returns, feeling her cheeks heat. Her heart skipping a beat and she is a goner, the girl has her tied in knots at every turn, she shakes her head smiling and sighs in defeat, how could she deny the gorgeous commander. _Right?_ "One, and you'll go home?" She asked. 

"Sounds good." A rueful smile lit Lexa's face. "Have I mention you look gorgeous tonight?" She asked her gently.

Clarke smiles. "Oh, just tonight?” She said, as she brought her arms around Lexa's shoulders.

"Always." Lexa whispers in her ear with a small chuckle, her voice sincere and leans in and kisses her. A long, passionate kiss, their lips rediscovering each other; realizing how much she's missed it. 

When they part, Lexa curiously asked. "Who's the blonde?" 

"My date." Her response was immediate. There was certainly no need to lie. "Octavia set me up, I had no idea." She said drawing her closer. "Jealous?" Her brow lifted in question.

"No. Why would I be?" Lexa said with a cocky grin, brushing the her lips. "You're right here with me."  
Lexa knows she may come across as overly confident without knowing where they stand but Clarke needs to know that she is not going to back down. 

Clarke pursed her lips to contain a grin. _That's true._ she smiles lovingly.

"Why didn't you call?" Lexa asked.

"I couldn't find the card with the number, I-"

"Shit. I forgot. I took it with me." She frowned and Clarke dismissed it with a shrug. 

"Come on, lets dance." Clarke said, taking her hand. 

The side of Lexa's mouth curled up and blue eyes meet hers. 

"I thought you'd never asked." She said and Clarke's smile grows wider, gently leading her through the cocktail tables onto the crowded dance floor.

Lexa took the blonde into her arms and danced, just moving slowly not in rhythm to the pounding music at first. 

When Clarke took noticed of the sexy Commander's eyes boring into her, devouring her body under her dress as she moved to the music. She felt empowered by her look and decided to show off a bit, swaying her hips and dancing provocatively.

After a couple of dances, the music was forgotten. Their foreheads pressed together as they swayed slowly, loving how their bodies felt together, how they fit together.

Clarke's heart took flight in her chest as she felt Lexa pull back so that her soft lips ghosted over her own. The world had melted around them, leaving them alone. She buried her face in Lexa's neck, taking in the scent of her and quickly felt the brunette's breathing changing. She could feel her breath against her, and her heart pounding in her ribs. Pressing every inch against each other. Lexa dipped her head closer to her, singing the lyrics to her. 

♪ ♫Oh na na, just be careful, na na  
Love ain't simple, na na  
Promise me no promises  
Baby, I think about you. And I feel it, deep in my heart. Maybe we just ain't meant to be something. Maybe we are? ♪ ♫

The tension she had been feeling was eased now, she had kissed Lexa, but was quickly been replaced by another. A pleasurable kind. She was as turned on as the girl was. _God_ , it had been a ridiculously long time she hasn't slept with anyone. And she was so tempted to taste the girl all over, places she had not dared to imagine until this very moment. She knew that if she wouldn't remove herself from her arms temptation would get the best of her. 

The music faded around them, switching to a different song, a slower song. The beat gradually changed leaving the two standing still, chest to chest. They locked eyes for a moment.

The blonde spun around and led her to a secluded area close to the exit, without having time to react Clarke pushed her against the brick wall hard enough to hurt a little. But how could she complain when Clarke was pining her, running her fingers through her curls, kissing her.

They kissed like this was their last day on this planet.

Clarke finally broke the kiss, panting for air. 

Lexa gasped, stopped and looked at the blonde. "You're so fucking hot" she whispered into her ear and felt the blonde smiled against her lips. 

As usual, their kisses turned into a heated fight for control in no time, setting both their bodies on fire. Lexa almost ended up on top of the blonde by the force of their kiss. 

_Stop it._ Clarke's mind told her. She tried to listen but her body was doing just the exact opposite. Lexa's lips feels too fucking good on hers to stop.

The more they continue to kiss the more confident and bold the girl got. Lexa ran her hand along her curves. Pulling away, she began to kiss her exposed neck, making her gasp as she did so. 

The part of her brain began to scream at her to stop again, until she finally lets her brain take control. "Lexa," She called forcing herself to be strong, her voice was quiet, almost breathless, "Wait. Wait. Wait." She said but the brunette continued the sensuous assault on her body, trailing kisses over her neck, stirring all kinds of feelings in her body. "Fuck....stop..." 

Lexa immediately stops and she held very still meeting her eyes trying to steady her breath.

Clarke tried to compose herself enough to explain but failed to come up with anything else than, "I'm sorry." She blushed and averted her gaze. 

Her heart still hammering wildly, Lexa made herself take a step back, “No. I-....I guess got a little carried away."

Clarke still looks shy and embarrassed about it all, which she didn't want her to be. Cupping her face with her hand, she met her gaze and said "I'm sorry."

Clarke smiles, slanting a quick glance at the girl. The brunette may be young in age but she is gorgeous, such a gentlewoman, she can be every woman's idea of a perfect lover. She thought.  
"Come." She said, leading her to the exit of the nightclub with her hand securely in hers. 

A rush of cold air hit on their bare skin as they stepped outside of the place. 

Once outside, Lexa follows helplessly. What else could she do? The blonde walked quickly down a side alley, away from prying eyes.

"The music is too loud and we need to talk." 

_Oh._  
Of course, why else would Clarke take her outside. "Sure." She said. 

Lexa looks at the blonde inquisitively, she saw Clarke's lips parted but no words came out. The woman stood silent in front of her, with lowered eyes, reflecting for a moment. "Clarke." She said, took a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

At hearing her name Clarke looked up curiously. _Does she have to say her name like that?_ She asked herself.

"What is it?"Lexa's eyes sought hers. "We don't-" 

Before she could say another word the blonde stepped closer and smiled sweetly back at her. "We have to." Taking a shaky breath she continued. "I hope you understand that there's nothing to be gained and so much to lose from this, Lexa." 

_You're not entirely wrong, but..._ "Well, what do you want?" She queried not wanting to waste any time on hearing society's moral compass, she doesn't need another lesson on what's wrong and what's right, what she should and shouldn't do, she already knows. The blonde tried to shrug the question away but she caught her chin. "Talk to me, Clarke." She implored. 

"You're seventeen!" Clarke told her.

"I know that!" She exclaims.

"You know that," The woman repeated and stood quite still looking straight out to her.

"It's not good, is it?" Lexa lets out a breathy chuckle, the blonde nods and smiles out to her, the saddest smile she has seen on her for the first time since they've met.

"I've blurred the lines between my professional and personal relationships. I have lost my objectivity...." Clarke shook her head and drew a deep breath, letting it out slowly. 

_I know, Clarke._ Lexa wanted to say. 

"I can't give you more than this Lexa." She told her meeting her eyes. "I can't promise you a relationship. I can't be with you. I can't loose it all. Not for you, not for anyone." She said sadly now looking up and down the street as she listens to her silently. "I'm your teacher. I have never once had a relationship with a student. Never intend to. I could lose my job over this, a job I love, Lexa. And....still here I am with you alone..." Her voice faltered a little. She took a few deep breaths to regain her composure and continued when she trusted herself to speak again. "I think it's best for you to walk away. Now."  
Silence.  
"Now that I still can. I should walk away." She added softly almost more to herself than to Lexa.

With a deep intake of breath, Lexa tried to gather her emotions as best as she could before she stepped closer.

"Listen to me." Lexa reached both of her hands up to cradle her face.  
"I'm not gonna do anything you don't want to do Clarke. To me, this is not a game, do you understand?" 

Blinking Clarke forced herself to process what the girl was saying and smiled nodding her head. It's inexplicable how Lexa understands her better than she understands herself sometimes. But she can't be selfish, she won't be. 

"You think I haven't thought about all the risks, chaos or self destruction this will bring to you -to me?" Schooling the blonde's features she glanced into her blue eyes and continues "Well, I have. I'm not just a horny teenager that wants to kiss or bed her teacher." This is more than that. 

"God, I've wanted to kiss you from the moment I set eyes on you, why do you think I waited so long.” She said and the blonde gave her a sad smile. "I know how hard you've worked to be where you are. I won't be the one to ruin your life."

For several seconds they didn't speak. 

A small smile eased into Lexa's lips. "Come here." She opened her arms wide. "You look a little shaky there."

Without hesitation, Clarke wrapped herself in her embrace, allowing herself to melt into her.

"I'll be right here. I'm not walking away." 

Clarke smiled shyly up at her. "I'm just scared," She offered, relaxing into the brunette and that more than anything made her fear for herself when this was all over, she's been handing over little pieces of herself to Lexa; with each kiss, embrace and tiniest hope she slid down a steeper slope.

Lexa tightens her hold until their bodies touched all the way down and pressed a sweet kiss behind her ear. 

"It's okay to be scared, Klark." she said soothingly pulling her even closer, as if she could. "I am too." Clarke felt so good in her arms. Too good. _Was there a complaint card for life_ , because if there was, she had a few things to say. 

"I'm sorry." Clarke looks up to meet Lexa's green eyes, her favorite green that are now filled with sadness. She shook her head and eyes clenched shut, “I am so sorry, I shouldn't have let this happen.” She said with a sincere tone and guilty conscience. 

"Don't say that." Lexa said sternly, pulling the blonde closer, "It's been the best thing that's ever happened to me." 

"I'm sorry, Lexa."

"I'm beginning to think those are your favorite words." She smiled even with her heart slowly shattering inside of her. 

They both laughed and Clarke relaxed more against her. They were silent for a moment. 

"You're a good person, you know that?" Clarke drew her head back and looked at her. "Your intentions-"

"Oh, trust me, Clarke." Lexa cut her off mid sentence. "My intentions with you aren't honorable." She said with a mischievous grin and Clarke threw her head back, laughing loudly 

She smiled. "We should go back inside." Lexa suggested. "You're shivering." She gently rubbed her back with a faint smile on her face.

"I am." _But I don't want you to let me go yet._

"Hey Casanova!" They heard a female voice call out.

Lexa quickly pulled herself back putting some distance between them and faced the direction of the voice calling.

"Ready to roll out of here?" Asked Octavia.

Clarke turned to face Lexa, about to give her an explanation. 

"I'll see you in school." Lexa said, her voice was soft and low with sadness.

"Promise you'll go home?" 

"I'll try," she replied earnestly. "I'm not driving." 

Clarke saw the struggle in her gaze. She ignored it and walked towards her friend. Octavia beams at her and links her arm through hers. 

Lexa had a few more things to say but she kept it all to herself. As much as she wanted to keep the blonde to herself, she had to accept it. Because what was she supposed to do? Cry and tell Clarke no? Her heart was a slave to Clarke's command, as and when she wished. _I can't give you more than this, Lexa._ Clarke told her and she will take what "this" will offer.

//


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Again.
> 
> Sorry for the delay and thanks for your patience! 
> 
> I did a lot of writing, hopefully can get this part of the story out of the way. Lexa's birthday is coming up... yay! But.....before that there is some drama. Boohoo. I know.
> 
> Enjoy and thanks again for all the kudos, reviews and supportive comments!

"Honey, we're home!" Olivia, Luna, Gaia and Costia shout in their drunken state as they make their way inside Lexa's house. 

"Shhhhh. Quiet." Lexa said trying to be as quiet as she could so Anya wouldn't see them coming in. 

They started making their way down the hall, when she heard Anya's voice.

"Slow down there Lex.” 

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ "Yeah?" 

"Come here for a minute." Anya replied, her voice was coming from the kitchen.

"Sure." She said turning around. "Go to the game room." She tells Olivia.

As soon as she stepped foot inside the room, she did a double take, all 4 women sat in the kitchen stools; Raven, Anya, Octavia and....... Clarke. 

Lexa looked at the blonde, surprised to see her there. They met with small and quick nods before she lowered her gaze. 

It was three in the morning now. She didn't mean to stay until but her friends were too drunk and she needed to make sure they would all make it home safely.

Clarke busied herself talking to Octavia and Raven while she stood there waiting, a full minute, in silence until Anya stepped out with her. 

"Where were you?" Asked Anya.

_You can't be serious._ "Excuse me?" Lexa lets out a mocking laugh. Anya has never questioned her whereabouts before. Ever. 

They both remained silent for a few seconds. Lexa didn't respond.

"Are you drunk?" Asked Anya.

"Where is this coming from?" She questioned.

"It's close to four in the morning Lexa and you're stumbling in here drunk.."

"It's 3:08," she says after checking the clock. "And I'm stumbling?" She meets hazel eyes. "My _friends_ were too drunk to drive so I brought them here. They're 21." She meets Anya's stoic face. "You know Gaia. What is the problem?"

"You smell like cigarettes and alcohol. You said you were going with Luna and Liv."

"I said, I was going out with friends. I'm here and I am not drunk. Now if you'll excuse me. I'm gonna go and check on them." 

"Hey!" Anya called her, making her stop in her tracks. "You know I don't care what you do, because I know you know better." Anya steps closer. "But you just... You haven't been yourself lately,” she continued quietly. “I'm beginning to worry. It's all."

"Don't. I'm fine, really." She assured her.

Anya did not look convinced. "Fine but no more alcohol Lex." Her cousin points a finger at her.

"They'll stay in the game room." She smiles, "It's Lexa." She says making her way down the hall. 

"I mean it, Lex!" Shouted Anya.

She groans and shouts, "FINE!"

//

"Lexi, are you drunk?" Olivia asked and Costia giggles. Both were a drunken mess. Except her. _Of course._

She rolls her eyes. "Here. Take the pills and go to sleep." 

She had comforters and a few blankets tossed on the floor for the girls to sleep in since she assumed all the rooms were already taken, Ontari and Gaia were already passed out. Echo. God knows where Echo was. Probably mingling in the crowd that was gathered outside.

"I'm gonna go to bed." She tells both girls. 

"You're not sleeping with us?" Olivia pouts.

"No. I have my room. I'll see you guys....later." She yawns. Exhaustion already catching up to her, her limbs sluggish, her eyes feeling heavy. "You're welcome to stay as long as you'd like." She tells Costia.

"Can I sleep with you?" Olivia asked, rising as she spoke and stumbles into her arms. 

"No." She sighed impatiently, catching her in her arms. "I'm tired Liv. Just take the damn pills, trust me you will thank me later." 

"Do I have to?" The girl says, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I meant like....sleep in your bed Lexi, unless..."

"No thanks." She replied giving Olivia a stern look that only made the girl laugh even more. 

Before she knew it, Olivia had thrown her arms around her neck and started placing several sloppy kisses on her jaw then her neck.

"Annnd that's my cue to leave. Have fun." She heard Costia say leaving them alone in the kitchen.

"Seriously Liv back off!" She tried to removed her arms around her neck but it was useless, the girl clung to her tightly in her drunken state. 

"Oh, come on Lexi," Said Olivia as she tried to kiss her lips.

And of course it was just her luck, when her gaze flew around the room Octavia and Clarke appeared in the doorway. _Ah! Fuck my life._ She stood frozen in place, unsure of what to do. 

"Miss G! Hi!" Olivia said, a little louder than necessary.

Clarke made sure to show no reaction, she looked away for a moment, then turned to look at Lexa's ridiculously worried green eyes. If she hadn't heard or seen how the brunette had rejected the girl, it would've been a different story. She thinks. Still, she can't help but feel a pang of jealousy although she doesn't let it show.

"She's drunk?" Clarke asked.

"No, no..." Olivia shook her head. "Yes....Fuck, I'm gonna be sick." The petite girl said bringing her hand up to her mouth as she ran out of the kitchen holding herself on whatever she could reach and barged into the first bathroom in the hallway leaving three silent women behind.

"Don't you two have some explaining to do?" Octavia chuckles.

Lexa smiles weakly at Clarke. "Excuse me." She says as she passes between the two.

"Ok. What the fuck?" Octavia asked, bewildered. 

Clarke turned to face her friend and said, "Not now, O." Then turns to follow the brunette.

When Lexa entered the bathroom Olivia had her head over the toilet bowl and was getting violently sick. She moved quickly to help, she was struggling to keep the girl from falling into the toilet. Without even realizing it, she felt someone holding her hair back for her to keep it from falling in her face as she held the girl.

_Clarke_

"How much did she have to drink?" Clarke asked worryingly.

Olivia looked up. "I dunno, Miss G. I-I think it was too much." She slurred and burst into a round of drunken giggles.

Clarke couldn't help but laugh as she shook her head and the girl slumped over the toilet bowl once again vomiting violently, and rid her body of all the alcohol.

"How the hell people do this to themselves?" Lexa looks up at her.

Her question invokes a chuckle from Clarke. _Wait until you're in college._ Clarke thought.

"Ah. Fuck me." Olivia sits on the floor leaning against the wall breathing heavily, panting.

Lexa got down on her knees beside her friend and held her hair all the way back to put in a ponytail. 

"Jesus Liv." She mumbles, cleaning her friend up a little.

Clarke stood there studying them for a moment without saying one word.

"What is it?" Lexa asked as she stumbled to stand up, leaning on the wall for support. She was so tired.

"How much did _you_ have to drink?" Clarke asked, raising an eyebrow.

Lexa stared at the blonde for a moment before she replied. "A shot. I told you I don't like to drink."

"You told me you were coming home." She glared into her eyes as she sighs looking into her sincerely.

"I had that shot here if it makes a difference." Lexa replied as she walks to the sink to wash up, the blonde stayed silent, but she could feel blue eyes upon her and for a minute there's only silence. Olivia has passed out on the floor. "I'm sorry Clarke" The girl turns to look at her. "But my friends needed someone sober to get them home safely. I couldn't just leave them there." 

Clarke seemed to pause, her face softening somewhat. For a long moment, blue and green pair of eyes were locked on each other, understanding passing between them.

"I'm tired," Lexa stated and lets out her most exasperated sigh then walks towards her. "Thank you." She says as her hands slipped around her waist pulling her closer. "For not telling Anya."

"Yeah." She whispered, her heart thudded hard against her chest at their closeness. Any harder and she swore it would’ve shot out of her chest. _Think, Clarke. Use your head. You are being too reckless._ What was wrong with her? She barely knows the girl, it went against all her rules. She truly has broken her personal record today but, for the life of her, she could not move right now. Lexa's body pressed up against her own feels too fucking good. 

"Are you staying?" The brunette asked.

"No." She answered and buries her face in Lexa's neck, breathing in her scent and the girl drops a kiss into her hair. "Octavia is waiting for me outside." She says as she draws back to make eye contact but regrets it because Lexa looks too delicious, so she quickly looks away for a moment to gather herself then drops her gaze to look at Olivia on the floor. 

Lexa could see the questions and concern in blue eyes, "What's wrong?" She asked softly and stroke her cheek, leaving her hand there as she smiles softly and plants a soft kiss on her cheek. 

"Nothing." She shook her head.

"Clarke, please." The brunette ran her thumb over her cheekbone soothingly.

_Damn it._ how is it possible that Lexa already knows her too well. Clarke thought. 

"I just..." She started and the girl raised her eyebrow. "I know-I know I shouldn't ask anything of you but..." she paused, looking into deep green eyes. "I don't understand what kind of relationship you have with O-"

Lexa cuts her off immediately and shook her head. "She's my friend." The girl defended, and half-laughed. She knows there are times that Olivia might flirt with her, but she knows that their friendship comes first. "I swear."

"Ok." She dismissed it, and wrapped her arms around Lexa's neck. "I just don't want her touching you." She said bravely. She'd never felt so protective of a woman before but Lexa brings everything out of her, that by the end of the day when she lays in bed alone, she hardly recognizes herself sometimes.

A cheeky smile curled Lexa's lips, and leaned in to kiss Clarke's precious pout away. "You're adorable when you're jealous." She grinned and Clarke rolled her eyes. "I like it." 

"I’m not jealous.” Clarke huffed. _Maybe a little._ She confessed to herself - _Obviously._

"Hmm, sure." Blue eyes go soft and she smirks. _Heaven had stepped into her arms_ , Lexa thought as she looked at the woman in her arms, watching her, appraising her. "You're a terrible liar." She finished.

Clarke broke into a wide smile. "Forgive me, I'm not as cocky-"

"Hey...you should," Lexa coaxed and brought a hand up to cradle the blonde's cheek. 

Clarke leaned her head into Lexa's hand and closed her eyes relaxing into the girl's touch, when she opened them, she was met with green eyes that sparkled. Lexa was looking at her with deep fascination watching her intently before she spoke. 

"I'm all yours Clarke." Lexa declared softly. "I promise there's no one else."

Clarke considers the girl's sweet words before speaking. Lexa is so gentle, soft spoken......

"I've heard that before." Clarke said as her fears start to cloud her mind once again. _Why are you doing this? Lexa truly doesn't deserve this, I'm being selfish and you don't deserve her. You are broken Clarke, you'll hurt her._

"Not from me, you haven't." Lexa regarded the woman tenderly as she lifted her chin once again to meet the most beautiful blue eyes she'd ever had the privilege of staring into. They stared at each other for a moment and from the proof of the smile in those pretty blues, Clarke believed her because the woman leaned forward a little more, bringing herself closer to her and then her mouth was on hers kissing her deeply. 

When they parted Clarke smiled at her and Lexa feels her heart beating wildly as the blonde ran her thumb over her cheekbone soothingly. She loves her gentle touch. Lexa is unsure why the suspicion and insecurity, she only hopes the blonde opens up to her one day. Yes, Clarke is strong, still she could see that behind the strong gorgeous woman is a girl that's been scarred that's wanting love and affection. Everyone needs love and affection—everyone. However, the more complicated woman needs more, and that's Clarke. Clarke was a woman to be treated tenderly, sexy and romantic— so far it seems to be working perfectly for her.

“You really do look tired, you should get some sleep." Clarke said quietly, her voice almost a whisper. 

"Mmm-hmm," Lexa rumbled against her neck. 

Lexa's mouth starts trailing the column of her neck to the ledge of her jaw. Goosebumps erupting over her whole body, she shivers and closes her eyes to lean into the contact. _Fuck._ She gulped for breath as she leaned her head back giving the girl more access to her exposed neck. She is unable to stop a low moan that escapes her while the girl's incredible lips find the skin of her throat, dropping small and heated kisses there. 

Inside her a battle was been fought between her head and body. Her inner brat was practically yelling at her, _Oh yeah? Forbidden fruit you say? Well, fuck you. Just try and stop me._

Clarke works her way to plump lips and reclaims them. Her tongue fills Lexa's mouth and sought her hungrily. _Jesus. Fuck._ She pressed her tighter to her, the sweetest ache she'd ever felt, a devastating need. 

Clarke moaned and moved her fingers to entangle the brunette's hair as she deepened the kiss. Lexa's hand roamed over her smooth soft curves. The kiss was a long and passionate.

They kissed until they were forced to seperate to gasp for air. Each looked into the other's eyes as they softly panted, eyes meeting one another in a clouded half-lidded gaze. Her lips were flushed, red and swollen from the friction.

"Fuck...we can't." Lexa says, breathing heavily, and presses her head against Clarke's, her heart was pounding. She didn't want the blonde to have any regrets, it is why she'd stopped. This was not about satisfying her needs and expectations solely. She wanted the woman in that forever kind of way and she was not gonna let her arousal cloud her mind for their first time to be in a bathroom with her best friend passed out on the floor. Her whole body was screaming no, but it was the right thing. 

Clarke opened her mouth to say something but Lexa drew her thumb along her lower lip.

"I know." The girl kissed her forehead and added. "Not yet." 

Clarke nods, although her body completely disagrees. Lexa was essentially the voice of reason. Before they end up engaging into more rigorous activities....."I should-" she croaked and had to clear her throat. "I should go." She said, her voice coming out hoarsely.

Lexa let's out an overly dramatic sigh, burrowing her face once again further in her neck breathing her in for the last time.

"Hmm. You smell so good." She said sleepily.

Clarke let out a seductive laugh. "Sweat and smoke, that's nice."

"You're nice." Lexa breathe into her ear and brush her lips along her lobe, placing soft kisses down her neck.

She shivers. “Lexa,” she warns.

"Fine. I guess I'll see you Monday." The brunette sighs again.

She nodded, her hands leaving the girl's back. "Good night." She says and pecks Lexa's frown away but the girl grips on her waist and pulls her closer, cupping her ass she sucked on her bottom lip.

"Sweet dreams." Lexa winks at her giving her signature smirk.

She gives her a soft smile as she slowly turns to open the door and when she stepped out her eyes widen, she was surprised to see someone she hadn’t expected to see and she knew in an instant that this was it. An icy ball of fear formed in her stomach. _Fuck._

“Raven.” she said quietly, avoiding eye contact knowing that she will only find judgment and anger in her eyes. She made sure to close the door behind her and moved a few steps away from the bathroom.

When she finally met her gaze, Raven said nothing, her face is expressionless. Clarke kept her face impassive as she studied her stony expression. Not a word is said for a long moment as they both stand face to face. 

"Where's O?" She asks eventually. It was the only safe topic she can think of at the moment.

"She's been waiting for you outside." Raven replied taking a step forward. "It is why I've been looking for you, and here you are."

"Here I am." She released a nervous chuckle. "Come on." She tried. 

"Bathroom." Raven motions to the door.

Of course she knows Lexa is in there. She just needs to see it with her own eyes. She held her gaze, until she looked away. The situation was hopeless. If her friends hadn't already yelled at her, it was good enough. She'll give her time to absorb this and for her to think things over. 

"I'll see you Monday." Raven said, she managed a smile that didn't reach her eyes.

"Ok." She replied turning to walk and she did not even try to look back .

//

There was an insistent knock on the door. _What the fuck._ "There are 10 other bathrooms in this house...." She swings the door open.

_Oh. Raven._  
"It's...uh..busy." She said, stating the obvious, blocking the door and the view inside the bathroom.

"Step out." Raven demanded, her tone is sour.

"Excuse me?" She stood on her ground. Her eyebrows perfectly arched, cheekbones high and plump lips pursed.

"We need to talk." Raven exclaimed.

Being polite is the key. "I'm sorry Raven, but now it's not a good time," Her tone is even. When she attempts to step back inside, the woman grabs her wrist, tugging her to a stop. She yanks her arm free and stands face to face with the woman. "What is your problem?" She snapped. Her sharp eyes fixed on the woman.

"Listen to me very carefully." Raven starts and Lexa clenched her jaw but stays quiet, and lets her continue. "Clarke is my friend, you need to stop playing games.."

"Games?" She cuts her off and shakes her head in confusion. "What are you talking?" It's not a lie. She's not playing any games. In fact she's never been so serious in her entire life.

Raven let out a dry laugh. "Don't act stupid. You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"No. I don't, actually." She shoots back, glaring at Raven. "Explain." 

She waits for a response. Raven throws her a death glare, clearly pissed off.

"Don't you see that your little crush, infatuation, whatever the hell you're doing will pass and the only one that will get hurt out of this, is Clarke. She could go to jail! Is that what you want?"

Lexa's face twists in anger. She exhales slowly. _You're wrong Raven._ It's more than just a crush or a fleeting attraction. She was so ready to go off on her. But she shouldn't. It will only confirm Raven's 'suspicion'. Because that's all it was. 

"Stay the hell away from her." The woman threatened.

"You can't act for Clarke, Raven." She says coolly and Raven let out a disgruntled chuckle.

"No. I can't, but I'm her friend and I know kids like you..." She paused. "Teachers are just another trophy."

Lexa's blood was boiling now. Afraid she'll expose them, she shakes her head and turns to walk back inside the bathroom. Opening the door wide enough for Raven to see Olivia.

"What the hell happened to Olivia?" she demanded, rushing forward with concern.

"She got drunk. Clarke was helping me with her." She scoffs as she knelt beside the girl to get her in her arms. "You know if you are what she calls a 'friend' then I rather have none." 

"Go to hell Lexa." Raven spat, her legs taking long strides down the hall. 

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." She mutters, shaking her head.

 

//

"Clarke!" Raven called, runs towards Clarke outside in fury.

Clarke didn't turned to look she already knew what was coming and she did not want to have this conversation in front of Anya's house. _Where the hell is Octavia?_

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, Clarke?" The Latina shouts. "You are being reckless!!!"

"Raven." She simply says and shakes her head as she continues to walk.

"Don't fucking Raven me!" Raven follows her close behind. 

"Lower your goddamn voice!" 

"Oh. Now you care?" She huffs a sarcastic laugh. "Nice fucking timing too Clarke." 

Clarke shakes her head for the second time in disbelief. _She's drunk. She's drunk._ she keeps telling herself. Then takes a deep breath as she stops walking and turns to face her friend properly, her gaze lifted to meet the disgusted and rage in Raven's simmering brown eyes.

"Whatever questions you have, I'll answer." She stated calmly. "Right now it's not a good time and you wouldn't understand-" 

"What is it that I won't understand Clarke?" Her friend points an accusing finger, leans forward to get in her face. It’s a challenge, given how she towers over her. She remains calm and stays silent as Raven continues. "Because what I do understand is that you are making a fucking horny seventeen year old's fantasy come true by having her teacher's tongue down her throat?" 

"Wha-" she gasps, astounded at Raven's snide remark, and she shakes her head in disbelief. "You know what, I'm done talking to you right now." She wants to stay and argue but she can't. She suppose Raven had a right to be mad at her. At this time the situation was only going to escalate if she stays. God knows she has tried too. She has tried countless times to stop these feelings towards the girl that only seem to keep growing. Now more than ever. Lexa had captivated her from the first moment she laid eyes on her, the day she made an utter fool of herself thinking that the girl was a teacher. 

Deciding it was best to give her friend some time to calm down and adjust to the news, she attempts to turn to walk again. But she didn't get far before Raven caught up to her grabbing her arm and spinning her around to face her. _What.The.Fuck._

"Why? Because what I'm saying it's true? How about exercising some fucking willpower to control your fucking impulses, Clarke." Raven jibes.

Clarke is fuming. She turned and confronted her friend, coming just millimeters from her face. "First off, get your fucking hands off of me Rae." She spoke in a quiet but with a defiant voice. "Second, it is none of your fucking business and third, this discussion...is over." 

Raven releases her grip, mouth hangs open. Suddenly there was a shout.......

“GUYS!” It was Octavia emerging from the shrubs, cringing at the sound of her own words.

“WHAT?” Raven and Clarke shout, both of them turn to look at their friend.

"Ah! My fucking head." Octavia lowers her voice and says, “Party is over bitches." She continues, smiling, and then winks. "So, how about you two get in the fucking car, we drive home, put on something more laid back than this fucking corset and we can talk it over with some good Jose Cuervo. Does that sound good?” 

"What the hell is going on!?" Anya shouts coming down the front steps into the parking area. All three stood silent.

Clarke turns violently "Lets go O." She said as she strode all her anger into the ground.

"Clarke!" Raven called.

"Fuck off Raven!" She shouted not looking back, flipping her off. Leaving a confused Anya and a fuming Raven behind.

Her head feels dizzy to heed her friend's torrent of angry reproaches, she rushes inside her Jeep, Octavia following. 

When she drove down the road she couldn't hold it any longer, her eyes welled up and burst into a passionate flood of tears. 

"Oh Clarkey." Octavia gives her a sympathetic smile.

"I tried." Her voice cracks, her emotions betraying her. "I really did." She sniffled. "This is so fucked up. Raven will never forgive me for this."

"You did fucked up." Her friend chuckles. "I mean, like really...truly fucked up."

She takes a few deep breaths and wipe her eyes. "Not helping O," Clarke let out a half-sob half-laugh. "I think you're supposed to say something like 'it's gonna be ok Princess'." She does her best to impersonate the brunette.

"Hey," Octavia starts and places a hand on her shoulder. "I'm not gonna sugar coat it for you, Clarkey.... I'm no one to judge you, I'm your friend and I'm here to listen. You're a grown woman and you already know what you're doing. Raven is being a bitch. Just give her some time, Princess," Octavia offered gently. "She's your friend. Let her get over the shock, she needs some time to digest, it's all. You two are like sisters and when she's ready she will look for you to talk, you'll see."

"I don't know O." She whispered thoughtfully. 

"Lexa is a lucky girl, my friend." Octavia responded with a reassuring smile.

"That she is" She smiled back at her friend, wrinkling her nose. 

"What?" Octavia arches her eyebrows.

"Why does my car smell like fucking urine!?" She asked.

"Shit. Double shit. Don't kill me. But I took a piss on Lexa's bush-" Octavia giggled."-ESS, behind the shrubs and I might've pissed on my boots."

She laughed. "You took a piss on the fucking bushes?" 

"You took too fucking long, and I had to pee!" Octavia replied. "You think they'll mind?"

"Of course they won't." She said as she watched her friend clean her boots with a napkin. 

They shared a hearty laugh. 

"That's disgusting O!" She tells her friend.

Octavia shrugs. "Heeeyy! At least it got you to laugh." 

"Thanks." Her smile clearly evident in her tone.

//


	20. Chapter 20

The journey to her apartment took less than 20 minutes. Instead of going straight to bed, she took out a bottle of Jose Cuervo and two shot glasses. 

"Let's get drunk" She suggested placing the tequila bottle on the coffee table and with a sigh she threw herself onto the couch next to Octavia.

"That's not fair. I'm already half way there." Octavia laughs.

"Do you remember when we used to get plastered before 8 and high at 10?" Clarke giggles as she pours two shots, sliced a lime, and pushed a glass toward her friend.

"Yup! We were responsible teenagers, we had school the next day." Octavia tells her containing a smile. 

"Damn right we were!" Clarke shouts and Octavia snorted.

They clink their shot glasses together before downing them and breathe a sigh of relief. 

"Oh man, those were the days." She said, reaching for the bottle again, pouring herself another shot and downs it again.

They continued to talk while having several drinks, as time passes by. 

"How about when we got raided by the police?" Octavia jumps in excitement on top of her reminiscing the good old days.

"Uh...no. I don't remember that one." She says as she spills a few drops pouring herself her fourth or was it seventh shot, she's lost count. 

Both giggled, completely amused by her sudden memory lapse. Apparently Raven and her were the cause of it. _Raven and her damn experiments._

"Ready?" Clarke asks.

"Yeah. To good old fucking days!"  
Octavia shouted raising her glass and her face pruned up with disgust as her shot went down rough. "Fuck. I'm done. Out. OUT!!" Octavia tells her.

"Oh, come one! I need you..." She whines.

"No! What you need is your commander." Octavia lifts both eyebrows and smirks.

"Fuck yes, Please!" she blurted, her eyes widened and clapped a hand over her mouth as she realizes her confession. 

"Pshh, I wish I had someone to look at me the way that girl looks at you." Her friend stated and looks at her with thoughtful eyes."Just be careful Clarkey...." she cautions, "be careful that you don't falsely raise her hopes and hurt her. She's still young."

There was a brief pause as she seemed to consider what her friend had said. She sighs and her smile slowly disappears. 

“Do you seriously think I hadn’t considered all that before?” Clarke asks, "I really did try, O." There was a slight pause and she shook her head. "I know she is way younger than me but from the very first time we met, we smiled at each other, and that was it! From that moment on there was this immediate connection and oh God, I've tried a thousand times to get her out of my head b-but it feels like a huge magnet that pulls me back to her, you know!? I-I just...I c-can't turn it off O...." she continues, with a quick catching of her breath. "I don't know what it is, what it means! But it feels good...I-" There is another pause. Her faded blue eyes glistened with tears. "After Khlo...." she tries but the rest of her words are stuck in her throat. 

She tries to avoid Octavia's eyes as tears rolled down her cheeks. Her friend lifts her head so she could see her then wipes the tears with her thumbs tenderly.

"Hey, you have to embrace love, regardless of where, how, or who it comes from." Octavia tells her pulling her into an embrace. "Life is too short, Clarkey."

Clarke felt a little jolt at hearing the word. _Love._ She thinks absently.

" _Love_ is unmistakable." Said Octavia, hugging her tighter.

Octavia's words were the key to the floodgates. She clung to her friend and her sobs muffled against her shoulder. 

They separate when they hear her apartment door close, both heads whip around to look to see who could possibly be at 4:30 in the morning. 

There is only one person who has a spare key to her place......

"They also say love is blind...."  
_Raven._

The latina walks around to stand in front of them, and she motions for her to sit down on the couch next to her. 

Raven let out a shaky breath that looks like she’s been holding in too long and her head rest against her shoulder.

“I guess I fucked this night up, huh?” Raven concedes, voice soft and quiet, cracking gently around the words.

Clarke snorted. "Yeah, we both did." 

"I love you Princess, I hope you know that." Raven tells her. 

"I know." She says and presses her cheek on top of Raven's head. 

"To be fair, if anybody is to blame the only person who ruined this night, was Lexa Woods." Octavia yawns scooting closer and nuzzling into her.

"Yeah. Lexa with those stupid green eyes, because apart from that..." Raven shudders. "Gross!" 

Clarke sniffles a laugh. 

"Nah, she's beautiful, granted." Octavia turns to look at her as she spoke and Raven makes a face and shrugs. "And yes, _gorgeous_ eyes." Octavia agrees. 

"Her stupid smirk." Clarke adds with a sigh. 

"Woods." Raven grumbles.

"Tell us.. " Octavia elbows her with a giggle, "is the green-eyed hottie a good kisser?" 

"Ay Dios mío!" Raven shouts sinking her face in her hands, " _US_ is too many. Tell you! I don't want to hear it."

Octavia rolls her eyes and smiles at her and she returns her smile with a grin.

"Yes. The green-eyed hottie can kiss." She said with a cheeky grin and blushing a little.

Raven scrunched up her nose in disgust. "Ewww. Gross, I'm gonna throw up!!"

She knows Raven is just being difficult so she leans in to speak in her friend's ear. 

"She does this little thing with her tongue-"

"Fuck NO!" Raven laughed and smacked her with a pillow, making both of them laugh loudly. "I'm gonna need some tequila to hear this shit." The Latina rose abruptly, physically squirming.

"Shots. Shots. Shots!!" Clarke pours another.

"I do have one question.." Raven says, her tone is even.

"Yeah.." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "What is it?" Silence descends upon the room. 

Raven curled her lips in the attempt to hold back a smile. "You seriously flipped me off today?" 

Clarke chuckles. "You deserved it."

"I did, didn't I?" Raven laughs. 

”Alright bitches!" Octavia exclaims, raising her glass. "Like old times! Arrrrrriba. Abajo. Al centro. Y Pa’dentro.”

//

She knows Raven meant well and she is just trying to prevent her from getting hurt and for her to continue making terrible decisions again and again — and again. She respects Raven for being a good friend, loves Raven for always been there for her but a friendship as much as it requires closeness, it also requires distance. They can be committed but not attached. She values her friend's message because _yes_ what she is doing is **wrong** and can have major consequences in her career, it goes against all ethics and morals. 

Everyone thinks they have a right to say in her life, whether its family, or friends. However, no one is entitled to any explanations from her, she does not need anyone's permission to live her life because at the end of the day; it's her life, no one else's business. She will deal with the choices she makes, not them. So should she let her friend meddle? The answer is, absolutely not. She will not allow it. 

As much as she has tried to deal with her predicament reasonably, she has failed. So at this point the only opinions that really matter are those of the two parties involved in the...uh......... _'relationship'_? 

That very next day, Raven and her had a comfortable long in-depth conversation on the couch while Octavia snored on her bed. 

_"I know, it is not my place to judge you. I mean I don't even know what the hell is going on between you and Lexa. But you're my best friend and it is important that you know how much I love you." Raven told her. "I know you, and last thing I want is for you to carry those harsh words I said out of anger engraved in your heart for the rest of your life. I'm sorry."_

They talked openly with each other about their friendship, relationships, struggles and fears. It felt great. It was much needed and despite everything that had transpired between them, by the end of the weekend all three friends reconnected again, reminisced and laughed.

 

//

 

Monday had finally arrived. 

As she admired herself in the mirror, the brunette came to mind and as often happened when she thought of the girl, she felt the butterflies invade her stomach. She couldn't help it, she desperately wanted the feel of her lips pressed to hers and taste those lips again, they were already addictive. 

She knows she is attractive, obviously loves all the attention, but today she wanted to feel good and look cute and _sexy_ for......Lexa. She wore a small dark blue suit jacket tamed with silken v neck slip-top, tight skinnies and suede pointed-toe black ankle-boots. Very young chic look; she made sure not to hide anything this time. This felt like being young all over again. _Lets see how she acts under 'pressure'_ She smiled to herself. 

When she leaned in to touched up her lipstick and checks on her makeup. Her red lips curled into an smile, grabbed some tissue and wiped her lipstick off. There will definitely be some kissing today. _Just in case!_ She laughs at herself, _Get a grip!_ , she can't believe how silly she is being.

The ride from home to school was only 25 minutes away. Eager to start her day, she stepped out of her car and made her way through the parking lot on the cold Monday morning. As she was about to cross to walk towards the entrance of the school a sleek black foreign car pulled to a stop in front of her blocking her path startling her, _This fucking idiot!_ She muttered.

The passenger side window lowered. She leaned down to see who the asshole was.

_Oh._

_It was Lexa_. And Lexa is no 'asshole', the corners of her lips turned upward in the smallest smile.

“Need a ride?” She heard the brunette say, grinning at her.

She returned her smile. _How could she not?_ With those green eyes and contagious smile. Her gaze skimmed down over the girl. "That's quite a....nice upgrade." Clarke says referring to the Audi s5 the brunette is now driving. 

Lexa shrugged it off. "How about you and Me at 155 miles per hour?"

She rolls her eyes. As she lent over to take a quick view inside the car she flashed a look at her cleavage unintentionally. 

Bright green eyes, gaze back at her, scrutinizing her ample cleavage and small frame. 

"Nice." Lexa whispers. _Ah shit!_ Did she say that out loud?

Lexa heard Clarke laughed softly, a raspy warm sound forcing herself to avert her eyes, like any decent human being. She couldn't help it, the woman with the pair of perfectly rounded boobs -the ones she had always longed to be buried in, was her weakness. _Right! She's in front of you!_ She mentally slapped herself as she realized she was being a little too obvious and blushed.

"Oh-uh-that is not what I- was... uh..." She stammers failing miserably in her attempt to recover and lie.

"Who's the terrible liar now?" The blonde smirks.

She cleared her throat before she spoke again. "You do look lovely, as always."

Clarke smiled before glancing over her face, taking in her appearance and her gaze slipped down to full lips, "Thanks. I'll see you around." She told the girl indifferently, swiveling her hips while she walks away. 

_Fuck me._ Clarke is looking too delicious and relaxed in her chic expensive outfit. _Damn_ , what was the woman trying to do? Give her a heart attack? Lexa asked herself as she kept her eyes upon the blonde, following her until she heard a honk behind breaking the goddess' spell on her. 

//

The rest of the day dragged on, the two hadn't spoken since that morning. Clarke kept herself busy and as much as she wanted to escape to devour the brunette's lips, she couldn't, she was already behind in a few projects and she needed to remain focus. _Priorities._

During lunch she decided to stay in her classroom to finish up. 

A few minutes later there was a soft knock at her door, she sighed in disappointment, assuming it was someone else and not Lexa; _the girl never knocks_ , she ignored it as she put away her work.

“Come in,” she called seconds later. 

The door slowly creaked opened, to her surprise it was Lexa. The girl slipped inside and closed the door soundlessly behind her, her lips curled up when she saw her, and she gazed into her smiling green eyes for some time. 

“Hey,” Lexa grinned a little devilishly at her as she walks towards her desk.

_Oh God, what is she up to now?_ Clarke wonders.

" _Come Helen, come, give me my soul again_." Lexa recites and the blonde laughs, that throw head back laugh that makes her smirk as she continues " _Here will I dwell, for heaven is in these lips._ "

Clarke cracks up hearing the brunette with such ballsy corniness. Nonetheless, she rose from her chair and walked around her desk to lean against it; there she waited. 

"Marlowe's Dr. Faustus." Lexa said as she crossed the space to her in four easy strides.

" _Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss..._ " Clarke starts but her objective was quickly cut off mid-sentence when Lexa's lips pressed so tentatively against hers, her hands resting on her hips. 

Clarke smiles. "We shouldn't..." She protested yet she wrapped her own arms around Lexa. "Not here." She whispered, her lips brushing softly against the brunette's.

"Mm-hmm." Lexa hummed, fighting a grin, "I agree." She teased with a soft chuckle, leaning in closer so her lips ghosted Clarke’s.

_Damn Lexa._ Powerless to resist she closed the space between them and kissed the girl gently. 

The kiss quickly deepened, this time Clarke's tongue slipping into her mouth and doing delicious things with hers. A shiver of delight raced down her spine when a soft moan escaped Clarke's lips as she responds to her kiss. _It was fucking sexy._. Her bold hands slide down the teacher's sides and grips her hips pulling her incredibly closer. 

Clarke sighs into Lexa's mouth, pressing her body against her until she could feel the thrum of her heartbeat at her chest. For the second time - _Damn Lexa!_ The girl was at once danger and desire, an _awesome_ combination. With a tortured sigh, she pulled away slowly from those delicious lips and rested her forehead against the student's.

"We can't do this here, you know." She says against her mouth.

The brunette sucked in a breath. "All right,” she concedes softly pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Mmmm, before I forget..." She started to say as she tried unsuccessfully tried to slip from her hold, but the blonde tightened her arms around her stopping her.

Clarke's smile and perfect brows pulled together in a frown. "You gotta go?" She asked as vivid green eyes locked with hers.

"Not yet…” Lexa pecked her lips then craned her neck for a closer look at her desk, she stretched her arm out to grab a pen and a piece of paper.

Upon seeing the girl struggle, she decides to remove her arms from around her waist and looks at the student wonderingly. 

" _This_ is very..." A seductive smirk slowly formed on Lexa's lips and leans to gently bite down on her bottom lip, "...important." She said, her smirk turned to a grin and winks before stepping aside to write on the piece of paper. 

Clarke turns slightly to stand right beside her and looks at the brunette - _What the hell could possibly be more important than kissing....her?_ She wonders and rolls her eyes at herself, _Don't be ridiculous Clarke!_ she tells herself and brushes the student's hair aside to expose the nape of her neck, then leaned down and smiled into the curve of her neck before pressing warm, soft kisses, pausing in attempt to tease the girl. 

_Fuck. She'll be the death of me._ Lexa says in her mind suddenly feeling her whole body come alive, _again_. Already, Clarke's fragrance was intoxicating her to the point where she couldn't think rational anymore and here she is playing with her emotions. _So inconsiderate!_ She turns and her eyes shoot to her face, the blonde smirks at her in an incredibly tempting way, which she thinks it's completely unfair.

"That _important_ huh?" Clarke asked then took a step back trying to create some distance between them. _Too dangerous._ she shakes herself out of her fancy. 

But Lexa quickly snakes her arm around her waist before she could escape she pulls her into her body. 

And before her startled gasp died, the student's mouth was on hers, her fingers buried in her hair. 

_Resist. Resist her!_ Lust, desire and deeply-held affection, all those feeling washes over her, all rolled into one as the brunette continues the gentle assault on her mouth, sliding her tongue over hers then lightly sucking on her lower lip.

The two loving the new ability to just feel, and letting go. Time passes and who knows how long it's been. 

_Fuck._ Near breathless, Clarke says "Babe, if we don't stop....." She paused slowly realizing the accidental term of endearment that she'd slipped out. _Babe? Did I just call her babe?_ A heat spread from her chest up to her neck and into her face. _Damn it._ Embarrassed she glanced at Lexa who couldn't repress her smile. 

Lexa's stomach fluttered at the endearment, and moves her hand on the back of her neck pulling her head until her mouth found hers for another deep kiss.

She pressed feather-light kisses at the corners of the blonde's lips, "What happens if we don't stop babe?" Lexa murmured against the her skin pleased with herself, and continues nibbling at her neck playfully.

The blush that still burned her cheeks made Lexa grin, _obviously._ Clarke cleared her throat, while the brunette watches her closely pressing her lips together, suppressing a smile. 

"So," she paused, evidently, only to enable her to regain control over her voice. "What was so important?"

"Oh!" Lexa quipped and met her ocean blue eyes.

"What is it?" Clarke pulled back just a little taking the piece of paper. _It's her phone number._ Butterflies fill her stomach when Lexa's lips tease at the shell of her ear.

"Make sure you don't loose it this time." She whispers in her ear seductively taking her earlobe between her teeth and tugging lightly.

The heat was becoming a bit overwhelming, almost fogging her mind. She _could_ just move away from the brunette…but she found that she didn’t want to do that. She let out a shaky breath and tries to drag her mind away from the trail of sparks her touch is leaving. Ignoring all the butterflies and goosebumps, she gave a short laugh and press another soft kiss on her lips. "Give me your phone." She asked.

And of course the woman didn't need to ask the girl twice. Lexa quickly went to her task and she handed her the phone. 

"Password is 52.." Lexa started to say. 

"I…” She nuzzled her nose cracking a small smile as she pecked her lips, "..don't. need. your password." She said and without breaking eye contact she held her phone to her thumb to unlock it. 

With an endearing smile on her pink, soft lips the teacher dials her own number and within seconds they begin to hear buzzing somewhere inside the desk.

Clarke brush her lips gently against hers. "How old are you?" She teased, her smile slowly fades, little by little, as reality hits -- _ **Hard**_. Just like that the magic is gone in an instant. _Right. She's seventeen._

"Hey," Sliding her hands up, Lexa cups her face between them, fingers soft and gentle on her skin,, "look at me," she demands softly, breath hot on her face. "Don't..." 

"You don't want to know?" She searched green eyes. 

"Does it matter?" Asked the brunette. 

Lexa's finger softly brushed her cheek, making her hold her breath. "I'm 25," she says offering a weak smile. Because, _Yes, it does matter._ There is a 7 year difference. As a matter of fact, it's what matter the most. _To her._

The school bell rang interrupting them, the brunette reached out and took her hand. 

"Can I see you later?" Lexa asked, knowing what the answer would be. 

The question took Clarke completely by surprise. Of all things, she had not expected her to ask her that. At least, _not yet._

"Uh.." She shifted uncomfortably, unable to meet her gaze. "I'm swamped with work.." she attempts weakly. She didn't know what other reasonable excuse to make. 

"It's ok." Lexa understood, shrugged and faked a smile. "I also have class later today, so..." 

"Class?" She asked her out of curiosity. 

"Oh. I'm taking evening classes at the-" 

Interrupted by the sound of the door swinging open. Lexa reluctantly separates herself from the teacher and turns around, _Lincoln._ , she breathed a sigh of relief. She looks back at the blonde and whispered a silent _'It's ok.'_. 

Seconds laters more students make their way inside the classroom. 

"Thank you Lexa. That's all." Clarke says, and shifts her way around to take her seat behind the desk busying herself with a nervous straightening of papers. 

"No, thank you, Miss Griffin." Lexa gives the blonde an encouraging smile before turning to walk out. 

The tardy bell rang. 

_Great,_ she's already late for class. As she makes her way towards the door, she can feel Lincoln's eyes on her, she looks in his direction and the two stared at each other for a moment. 

"Linc." She say with a downward slow nod. 

"'Sup Lex." He said flashing her a knowing smile. 

Giving him a lopsided smile, she shook her head in attempt to deny whatever Lincoln was imagining in his head. 

Calm. _Calm down. He didn't see anything._ Clarke tried to convince herself. Turning to look at Lincoln, for just a moment it felt like they were the only ones in the room. Nervous tension. She found it impossible to think that the student wouldn't suspect anything. How could she be so careless, she, who prided herself on her professionalism, _well_ , at least that was before she had met Lexa. _What the hell is wrong with you?_ she chided herself silently. 

_No, Stop._

It was her own mind betraying her. She glanced over to Lincoln once more, she found him talking to his friends not paying attention to her any longer, she sighed with relief. 

_Of course._

She knew exactly what was wrong with her. _God_ , she didn't want to admit it, she didn't even see it coming. Lexa's smile, her laugh, her smell, her presence alone was enough to make her feel like the most important person in the world, _loved_..... She took a couple of deep breaths to try to slow her pounding heart. The sudden silence around her was horrible to her... 

_Silence?_

She glanced up and saw that all of her students were already situated and most of them were all watching her intently. _Shit._ Right, she's the teacher. Hastily, she rose from her chair and tried to force a normal amount of air into her lungs as she ignore the pounding of her heart and hoping her face didn't betray any of her thoughts. 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies that I haven't posted in a while but just to let everyone know, _There’s a good reason._ Which I’m not gonna bored you with. My most sincere apologies dear readers. But thank you all so much for reading. Hope you all enjoy. Kudos/comments are appreciated. :)
> 
> * * *

* * *

Up until she met Clarke Griffin routine suited her and not in a dull monotonous way, she was happy and comfortable. She had control over everything in her life, exactly as she wanted it. 

In an instant all has changed, _yes_ she has kissed her old routine goodbye. But Clarke is worth all the risks. 

The more time she has spent around the captivating blonde the more she has come to notice, to admire, to yearn –to _love_. She'd never imagined she _could_ love like this. Yes, it's love, she's sure. Everything about the blonde feels right. 

It's been three weeks, three weeks of snatching moments together, sneaking around, it's thrilling, it's fucking sexy and she can't seem to get enough of Clarke Griffin. 

As if out of a movie, _her movie_ —things have continued in this vein, their relationship confined to school hours and the occasional Saturday inside her home office. 

The blonde was driving her crazy, the _good_ kind of crazy. It was pure bittersweet torture; and for all that sneaking around they have not come close to cross _that line_ ; yet. 

Thankfully, for Clarke that is —definitely not for her, their sessions never go any further, it's been kept all innocent and above the chest, above those two beautiful mounds of soft white skin that perched majestically on her chest. _Fuck yeah!_ She's hooked. 

_Sure_ , physically she is not going to die to abstain sexually. When she agreed to these terms, she certainly didn't see nothing wrong with it, the line of reasoning was that if it isn’t water or oxygen it isn’t really a necessity for her existence. But _Oh_ , how many things are easier said than done.

 _Patience._ She tells herself every morning.

Their make out sessions steadily growing in intensity and definitely reaching their peak, both end up all worked up, gasping and panting, wanting more, every single time. 

Still, it was nice to know she had just as much of an effect on the blonde as she did on her —the only difference being that Clarke could hide or at least seems to control hers a lot better than she could. 

As for her, _She_ was having a very difficult time keeping her hormones under control and this was leaving a real problem, one for which she had no viable solution to. Temporarily, _yes._ But that's that. 

In less than two weeks she will turn 18 and she knows that after her birthday it will bring her just a step closer, she knows it is just a matter of time before it would become a dream come true. She just needs to be patient and see how this dream would unfold. 

And _oh boy!_ her stomach twists with delicious anticipation, she’s long imagined how it would happen; how it will feel to run her fingers down Clarke’s spine. Her tongue aching to taste her, she bets the blonde tasted crazy, _crazy_ good. Taking her and fucking her quickly would be too easy. She didn’t want meaningless sex, she wanted to make love to Clarke, explore and worship every inch of her body and shower her with her kisses, love and desires. 

She'd probably filled the room with candles, _lots and lots_ of candles, fresh flowers, music and satin.........

 _Her movie. All fantasies_. They've already talked about it; _obviously_ with Clarke telling her that they will take it slow and see where _'this'_ leads. So; for now, all that has come to matter when they part is their next encounter, to feel that euphoric and blissful feeling. 

//

 

"I'd rather hear your voice than sleep." Lexa tells the blonde over the phone, her voice sounding raspy, it was obvious she was exhausted. 

"Still, you sound tired," Clarke said tentatively, "you should get some rest. If you keep going at this rate...." 

"Stop it. Now you sound like Anya." She lay back against the pillow, the phone still clutched in her hand. "Trust me. I'm enjoying every second of my life." 

"You're young, one day you'll regret..." 

"I'm not one for a guilty conscience." She interrupts the blonde and Clarke laughs —the kind of laugh she loves the most, the one that makes her smile and feel all warm and giddy inside, reassuring that it is all worth it. 

"Good to know." Clarke tells her. The smile is still evident in Clarke’s tone.

Considering she needed to cut the night short, she should say goodnight and quit flirting, because yes, between school, evening classes and juggling her other duties it's becoming a challenge. And there are only so many hours in the day. She is exhausted. But at the end of the day, for her, _this_ is the best part, having the privilege to talk to Clarke and being the one to tell her 'goodnight' every single night for the past three weeks. It's all about keeping her eyes on the prize. 

"Certainly," Lexa says more cheerfully this time, "and not that you need it, because you're gorgeous. _You_ need your beauty sleep." She tells the blonde and the woman chuckles, sounding all sexy and attractive.

"I still have a couple things to get done before going to bed." Clarke said and stifles a yawn.

" _You_ work too hard." 

"I just got a lotta things to do.....a lot on my mind right now." The blonde responds.

And she can hear the blonde sigh into the phone and she knows that the woman must be rubbing her forehead, if not running her fingers through those soft blonde curls, because that's what Clarke does when she is tired, worried and thinking things over too hard. 

"You should take some time off to catch up." She says softly.

"I can't.....well, actually we will, soon."

 _Right._ Thanksgiving break, they haven't talked about that yet, or her birthday that's coming up, will she be able to see Clarke outside of school, she wonders.

Clarke gave an exasperated sigh before speaking again. “I should hear something back from the board next week, we have less than a week to get everything done. This could become someone's dream come true Lexa," The woman says, "Art students deserve better, and if the board accepts this proposal, I’ll make sure one of my students take the win for this competition." Clarke continues.

Lexa loves to hear the woman speak passionately about art, her students and dreams especially when Clarke is speaking in a very low tone as if she was narrating a story of some sort. Lexa quiets herself to hear every word as the blonde continues. 

Suddenly, the only noise she could hear was her own heart pounding as she starts to doze off and the phone goes silent.

"Lexa?" The blonde calls.

"Hmm?" She mumbles.

"You fell asleep." Clarke laughs and asks, "Am I that boring Lexa?" 

"God no, you are anything but boring.....it—it's your voice babe, it's soothing." 

It's true, Clarke's calm voice has a soothing effect on her. She hears the blonde chuckle softly. 

Suddenly, they were silent again for a moment.

"I want to see you." Lexa husked and immediately closes her eyes cursing herself for asking more than what the blonde has offered.

She sat up quiet for several seconds, phone clutched in her hand waiting for Clarke to reply.

They were both silent, lasting for more than half a minute.

"Uh..video, I meant FaceTime." She recovers smoothly.

“Oh.” Clarke paused. “Sure.”

A tinge of pretentious regret in Clarke's voice. Nonetheless she pressed the FaceTime icon and the blonde's ocean blues and beautiful smiling lips filled the screen. 

It hits her like a fucking tsunami; _My God_ , Lexa thought. Clarke has never looked prettier she thinks. She stares at the woman for a long moment, lips curled into smile; she has never seen the blonde this undressed. Mind you, she's never seen Clarke so casual either, simple white tank top with her hair in a lazy bun and make-up free. 

Clarke narrowed her eyes at her. 

"What is it?" Asked Clarke. 

“Forgive me,” she smiled charmingly, “I think I stopped breathing there for a moment.” 

Clarke lets out a soft laugh, rolling her beautiful eyes at her.

"I'm serious Clarke, tonight, I'm not sure whether you're more beautiful with or without make-up." She says and the blonde smiles modestly at her and shakes her head. “Oh, stop it. It's not a lie, you look gorgeous either way." She tells the woman. 

_Her woman._

"You're quite the charmer at times, aren't you?" Clarke teased.

"At times?" Her eyes gleamed with a hint of mischief. "Clarke, I'm the epitome of charm -"

"At times." The blonde interrupted and stopped her with a smirk of her own. "Always full of yourself." 

Lexa lets out a little laugh, eyes softening. "I know what I want." She says.

 

*

 

"Hmmm, there it is again." Clarke muses and smiles prettily as she sees the brunette bite on her lips. And wonders if Lexa doesn't have the slightest clue of what biting her lips does to her. 

Clarke said nothing else, afraid if she continues it will lead to something else, something she is more than ready for. A full minute passed as they both looked at each other. The sexual tension was palpable, even through the screen, pulsating just below the surface —24/7.

These past days had been sheer agony for Clarke. The waiting was becoming unbearable. She was on edge, all she wanted to do was bring the brunette home and have her way with her. Heaven help her, she was loosing it. 

When Clarke could stand the silence no longer she heard Lexa cleared her throat. 

"Anyway..." Lexa paused and smiles coyly at the camera for her. "I'll let you go. Especially since _somebody_ needs to get back to work." 

"Hey, you were the one falling asleep." 

"Alright. Alright." Lexa sighs. "I wish I could kiss you goodnight properly."

 _God, this charming girl._ "Charmer." She teased and sees Lexa's upper lip curling itself into a cocky grin and winks, enough to send her heart racing for the hundredth time today. "You can, in a couple of hours." 

"I'll hold you to that."

 _Good,_ Clarke thought. She meant it. 

"I'll see you tomorrow." She says. 

With dazzling green eyes and a smile that takes her breath away Lexa whispers goodnight.

And she presses the 'end' button and lays her phone down on the desk. 

'Sweet dreams baby,' Clarke says quietly accompanied with a long dreamy sigh then tips her head back to stare at the ceiling, closing her eyes she breathes in deep sinking into the chair. 

Instantly her mind drifts over to Lexa's beautiful face, those full lips and wide green eyes. She starts to let her imagination momentarily wander; how it would feel to engulf in that intense passionate feeling of Lexa's touch, and her hands stroking every part of her. 

_Damn it!_ It got her all hot just thinking about all the things she wanted to do to the girl, making her feel a familiar throbbing between her legs, despite herself. 

It's been a while since she'd gotten relief in that department. She felt already soaked and sensitive. She knows pleasuring herself will provide her much needed comfort and allow her to relieve the aching between her thighs —temporarily, that is. 

A wave of determination swept to her. Knowing she will feel terribly guilty later, _So Sorry ._ She told her conscience. 

Even through her pajama's shorts, she could smell her arousal. She was so wet already. Her nipples erect and straining the fabric of her tank top; she gently graze her hand across them quickly feeling a surge of electricity to her cunt. 

Enjoying the tease, she continues to massage her breasts, rolling and pinching her hard nipples.

Tentatively at first, she trails her hand down to her belly as the tips of her fingers dig into the waistband of the shorts. She pushes them down to her ankles and removes her tank top letting it fall to the floor. Then wiggles in her seat and spreads her legs to give herself better access as pleasure rushes through her, dying to please her aching pussy. 

_Mmmm_ , she shivers in delight and her breathing grew ragged as anticipation began to build. 

She knows the pressure and speed she needs, she could only think of the brunette when she began to slide her index and middle finger up and down her slit. Then, pressed down on her clit that was throbbing for attention, trying to coax it out. 

"Oh fuck." She moans, her eyes squeezed shut as two fingers stuffed deep in her dripping pussy working deliciously and she imagines it was Lexa's slender fingers sliding in and out, stroking all the right places and fucking her senseless. 

Her breathing becomes more and more labored letting out pants of pleasure, moaning and leaning back on the chair. Her back arched with her breasts shoved upwards, begging to be licked, her pace quickens and ripples of ecstasy racks her body, rocking her hips into her hand. 

"Mmmm yeah....Fuck baby." She whimpers, throwing her head back as her fingers thrust deeper inside of her soaking wet cunt. She already feels fucking close. 

In her mind, images of Lexa flash through, she begins to fantasize her sweet voice plead; _'Cum for me Clarke'_ , throwing her over the edge, making her whole body explode into shear ecstasy as she rammed her cunt into her orgasm.

"Oh-, oh-, fuck-fuck-Mmmmmmmm." she cries out, shaking with pleasure, her orgasm lasting for what seems like a blissful eternity. 

A few more moans fall from her mouth, her breathing calms down and she falls back in complete utter satisfaction. Her fingers slide up to her nipples, drenched with all her juices.

 _Fucking hell._ She giggles at herself. _’Lex, you are my road to perdition.'_

Suddenly, a loud and abrupt knock on the door startles her, within seconds the door was flung opened making her jump and gasped out of her chair, falling hard on her butt. 

"Hey."  
_Raven_.  
“Oh! Shit, you’re all naked!” Raven turns around.

"What the fuck Raven!?" She shouted struggling to stand up and trying her best to pull her shorts back up, covering her boobs with her other hand in the process.

"Relax! It's not like I haven't seen you naked before." Raven rolls her eyes.

"What the hell are you doing here?" She shouted as she knelt down to pick up her tank top.

"Hey, I was nice enough to wait until.....you were satisfied." The Latina chuckles.

Clarke walks over to stand in front of her friend and held out her hand. 

“Give me the keys, Rae.” She demands, unamused. Instead of obeying Raven stared at her hand. 

"Uhhh, ewww." Raven grimaced. 

She ignored her with a straight face, keeping her hand in place, "E-mer-gency ONLY-"

"This is an emergency Clarke! Besides I called, you were aware I was coming."

"That was hours ago, Raven!" With a shake of her head she walked over to the kitchen sink and turned on the water to wash her hands. 

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm not the enemy here." Raven tells her and took a seat on one of the bar stools then started playing with the keys. "Shhhiiit. It's not my fault green-eyed candy is not satisfyin--"

In a flash, she turned, grabbed the sponge and threw it at her friend, "RAVEN!" She shouted, narrowly missing Raven’s head.

"Jesus Clarke! You almost hit me!" Raven shouts back, pressing a hand to her chest.

"Sorry." 

"Well?" Raven asked with serious impatience.

"Well, what?" _Oh! Yeah. Green-eyed Candy._ "Umm," she smiled a little, taking her time. "Actually, uh—we're not having sex." She confessed.

"Why the fuck not?" Raven asked abruptly, looking stricken.

"Because she's still seventeen Rae!"

Raven bend over the island, resting her elbows on top, and slowly smiles but says nothing for several long beats, watching her and all Clarke can do is blink. 

Blinks one more time. 

Silence.

 _Damn it,_ , maybe she shouldn't have said anything. 

Blinks again. 

Raven lowers her head and closes her eyes before speaking again.

"Clarke. My friend..." The Latina says with a mock exasperation, rising from the bar stool and takes a few steps forward. " _Now_ is NOT the time for good intentions or guilt."

Clarke raises her eyebrows and waits for more. Because, with Raven there's always more. But to her surprise there is nothing more this time.

They stayed silent for a long moment before she speaks again.

“Weren't you the one who told me to be conscious of my standards.” She reminds her friend.

"I don't get it," Raven howled into the ceiling, "You're already going to hell, right." Raven laughs and she is not, she is looking serious as hell. "NOT before doing some jail time, yes--"

"Seriously?" She sends the brunette a cold glare and her friend grins.

"Hey don't look at me like that, you already had VIP before all of _this_." Raven chuckles and proceeds to sit on the couch. " _This_ doesn't make you any more special."

"Fuck you." She paced over and takes a seat beside Raven.

"Kind of you. But no thanks." The latina smiles and shook her head looking at her as if she is some kind of wonder. "Ok Princess," Raven places a hand on her shoulder giving her a friendly pat, "Help me understand something......When _you_ started _this thing_ with Lexa you knew you were sentencing yourself to jail time if anyone was to find out --so how the fuck is it that you're not gonna enjoy full ride?" 

"Understandably." Clarke simply says, frankly, she doesn't know what else to say; this conversation is more than a little unsettling actually. 

One, she is not enjoying how her relationship with Lexa is being referred as _'this thing'_ and secondly what Raven is telling her makes total sense, but she refuses to tell her that.

"It's fine. Lexa and I already talked about this.” She shrugged. “We’ll wait.”

"Girl, please. It's obvious your body is on fire, I mean, hell, by the sound of that intense --"

"Shut it, Rae." She warns, crossing her hands in chest.

Raven stays silent and Clarke can see that her friend is onto her. The latina is arching an eyebrow as she smirks watching her intently. She gives Raven a challenging look, the one that tells her she won’t be winning this battle. Raven quickly holds her hands up in surrender. 

“Okay, fine. I won't push. But it's cool. Nothing to be embarrassed about. Getting yourself off is good. Remember when you please your body, you ease your mind." 

"Obviously." She laughs, because Raven is repeating her words from a few years back, when they were still teenagers.

"No seriously, hear me out will ya? Pleasing yourself is empowering—"

"It is." Clarke agrees with a chuckle and a shake of her head. Because she still can’t believe they’re really having this conversation right now. 

"There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, that's your equipment. But I just think it's stupid that you're holding off on fucking Lexa."

 _Fucking Lexa_. Raven's comment is crass, anyone else would find it crude but she's been friends with the latina long enough to not let it affect her; anyone else would say that she’d probably go off on them. She knows Raven is trying to dig deeper and understand.

"Maybe once you two have sex--" 

"No." She protests.

"Has it not crossed your mind, it may be.....just..... _that_?" Raven asked her.

Her nose wrinkles with confusion and tilts her head.

”That?”

"Sex Clarke! A fucking lustful situation and once it's out of the way--"

"It's not!" She interjects.

What is it with people thinking she is some sort of sex-starved person. 

"This is not about sex Raven, I am more than capable of finding _myself_ a woman to fuck." She huffed; looking at the ceiling she shook her head.

Raven looks at her closely and knows that what she’s said has upset her. 

“Are you in love?” Raven asked her after a while.

The question startles her.

"I th— I am." She says, not sounding very convincing. 

She is. She is in love. She has fallen in love with Lexa. Or why else would she be acting this careless, how else could she explain kissing her seventeen year old student. Only love makes you do these stupid things. Right?

She thinks of explaining to Raven, but decides not to. Raven wouldn’t understand. In fact —Nobody would.

"True love can wait Clarke." Raven says flatly.

Raven’s comment startles her even more. Clarke glanced up to meet chestnut brown eyes, the choice of words she cannot ignore, _true love_.

"I think,” Raven adds, “ _this relationship_ would have a healthier future if you do. If, it’s love the timing is wrong.”

Timing. Raven is a big believer on timing. It took her friend 3 years to commit to Anya. Raven says —had it been any earlier, their relationship would’ve never stood a chance. 

Clarke sits quietly as Raven continues to break it down for her.

“The pressure from this fucked up society we live in will take a heavy toll and that girl has a whole future already waiting for her..." Raven paused, settling herself in more comfort on the couch and with a long heavy sigh the latina whispers. "And so do you, princess."

She sits and thinks about it for a bit. Raven turns to look at her and seems to study her reaction briefly towards what she just said, Clarke tries her best to not give anything away.

"Right." She says eventually, giving her friend a weak smile. 

Taking another second, she endeavored to change the subject.

"So, why exactly did you come here?" 

"Oh Right!" Raven said, abruptly sitting forward and sighs before she starts to explain. "Anya asked me to spend Thanksgiving with her parents."

"That's great!" She says and Raven is looking at her with a straight face, "Or, not?" She says as Raven casts her brown eyes at her.

 

A pensive look passed over Raven’s face.

“What is it?”

"In California. And NO, it's not Clarke. I'm totally freaking out here."

"You, Raven Reyes?" 

"I'm serious." Raven tells her and notices her friend’s desperation.

"You've already met her parents so I don't understand why you'd be nervous." She laughs.

"Yes, but as her friend." Raven said, exasperated. "What if they don't like the idea of us dating? I'm more worried for her mother, she's not very fond of me—"

“Oh God” She groans, “What did you do?”

“You don’t want to know. Trust me.”

“Oh I don’t.”

“I hate you. You’re not helping.”

“Hate is a strong word Raven.” She says grinning. “You should really be more careful how you use that one.” 

“Are you gonna help me or not?”

Clarke laughs. “Rae, I really don’t know how to help you on that one. I mean what do you want me to do, go with you?” She smiles, “because I would.”

Sure she would. She would love to go California with Lexa and escape Easton for a few days. Wouldn’t that be nice? 

“That’d be nice.” Raven says thoughtfully.

She smiles at Raven’s solution.

“Oh Come on Rae. This is nonsense. They’ll love you as their daughter in law," she placed her hands on each of her friend's shoulder shaking her gently. "She will."

"How do you know!?" Raven asked.

"Well —because...they will see what I see," she says gently, "that their only daughter is happy —IN love." She affirm, calming her friend's worry. 

"Damn. You're right, Princess." Raven instantly releases a sigh of relief and plopped back onto the couch. 

"Great!” She clapped her hands together as she rose from the couch, “Now, give me back the key." She held out her hand once again and Raven promptly took it to help herself up. 

Clarke inhales sharply, and tries to think of reasons why she tolerates Raven to the point that she has not murdered her friend yet. 

As annoying as the woman is, she should've —a long time ago but Raven is someone everyone needs on their side, she is smart, funny, and a great friend.

"Can I stay?" The latina asks looking over her shoulder as she grabs a banana from the fruit basket.

"Yeah." She answered, knowing she was not gonna get much sleep tonight. 

She had taken over the guest room in the apartment and was using it as her art studio and there was a bed she could sleep in. "Take the bed."  
She said.

“Are you sure?” Raven asked dubiously. 

“Yup.” 

"Great. Thanks." Raven walks towards her to kiss her cheek before she turns she comments, laughing, "You know, now everything makes total sense." 

"What's that?"

"Lexa —the girl is extremely frustrated, sexually....agitated and sweaty all the time--"

"Is she..." Clarke asks curiously, her mind quickly shifting to a naked Lexa with sweat breaking out on her sun-kissed skin, fingers curled deep inside.....

"Oh my God! Ewww Clarke." Raven crinkled her nose snapping her out of the daydream. "Anya and I have noticed her to be _excessively_ exercising. It's all she's been doing lately."

Her face beginning to warm in embarrassment at being caught. 

"Oh."  
_My poor baby._

"Uh. Yea." Raven shook her head, amused. "What kind of cruel person are you? That girl must be dying to touch those ta-tas!"

"Go to bed Rae." She countered, her tone final.

Raven silently stared at her, then huffed and turned away.

* * *


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> To my readers, thank you from my heart for reading my story. For your patience the last couple of weeks. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy. Your comments/kudos are very much appreciated.
> 
> * * *

//

 

 _Damn, damn, damn, dammit!_ Lexa scolds herself almost breathless as she runs to class. No. Not just any class, Pike’s class. 

The halls were cleared of students now, the late bell seconds away from ringing.

 _Yep. There it is._

She should’ve listened when Clarke told her to get going or she would be late. 

But pressing the woman against the counter in the teacher’s lounge and devouring those lips were kind of clouding her mind then. 

She has never been late to any of her classes before —without a legitimate excuse, of course.

Arriving late, out of breath, and gasping for air, she enters the classroom and moves towards her seat. She so happened to glance over at Pike's desk and stared at his eyes as he stared back, fuming. 

"Great." She groans inwardly.

Obviously, no sympathy from her fellow classmates. They’re all staring at her in spooky silence. 

Lexa sees her friend Luna in the back barely containing her giggles. _Asshole!_

Once seated, Pike walks over and with an unnecessarily stern voice says, “Miss Woods, you're late! FOR the second time this semester.”

She looks up to him and says carefully, “I’m sorry Sir, I—”

"Make it a third time Miss Woods...” The asshole interrupts, “AND you got yourself three days detention."

Lexa swallows hard. 

_D-Deten—Did he say Detention?_

_This is absurd in its injustice!_ she admitted inwardly. 

She's never had detention in her whole academic life. _How could this be!?_

“Sir, I think—” she tries to reason but is quickly interrupted once more. 

_So rude!_

“What you think Miss Woods is irrelevant.” The man says with a challenging stare.

 _Asshole. With a Capital ‘A’._

Lexa straightens a little, averting her eyes she nods. Because why argue. She was late. She knows when to concede a battle.

 _What the hell is wrong with me?_ She asked herself. _Oh, right!_

**Clarke.**

_Can you blame her though?_

Who wouldn’t love the smell of freshly brewed coffee and morning kisses from the blonde.

 

//

 

Earlier, Clarke decided not to meet Lexa in the classroom and eat lunch with her friends/colleagues to avoid any suspicions. 

Lexa and her ended up sitting several tables away from each other, still within a perfect view of one another.

Every time Clarke glances the brunette’s way their eyes meet and Lexa smiles coyly at her, sending a ripple of unwelcome warmth through her body. 

“Will you quit it Clarke!?” Raven nudges her arm hard.

“Owww Rae.” She mumbles enjoying the greasy fries in her mouth. “Quit What?” 

“Smiling!” Raven waves a french fry at her. “You, Lexa and all the heart eyes.” Her friend whisper, making sure to keep her voice unheard.

“WE do NOT......do that.” She says, blushing a little because yes. Yes, they do. 

But she’s not about to admit it to Raven. Besides she loves Lexa’s heart eyes, along with that particular smile that’s reserved only for her, those luscious plump lips and gloriously perfect body.......

“Clarke!” 

Startled out of her daydream, she feels a kick under the table. 

_Fucking Raven._

“Hey, guys.” Anya greets and takes a seat at their table.

“What took so long babe?” Asked Raven.

“Oh!” Anya exclaims, helping herself with some of her fries, “Pike wanted to talk to me about Lexa.” 

“Why?” Clarke asks with serious impatience and much interest, one may say.

Anya turns her way.

“I swear that girl is onto something. If she’s not in love, sh—”

Clarke starts to cough hysterically, nearly choking on the fry inside her mouth. 

“You ok?” Anya asks with concern as Raven frantically smacks her back. 

“Yeah-Yeah. She’s fine.” The Latina waves her hand dismissively. “You were saying?” 

“Oh, yeah...Pike asked to meet and discuss a few concerns he has in regards to Lexa’s—”

“What!?” Raven exclaims.

Clarke wishes to stuffed all the fries inside Raven’s mouth just to shut her up so she can let Anya finish. 

“Lexa is his favorite.” Raven adds.

“I know. But he tells me she’s not in it this year, tardiness, slacking, incomplete assignments and daydreaming.” 

Raven and Anya, both chuckle. She doesn’t.

“Yep! Those are signs of love all right.” Raven smiles, obviously pleased with herself. “Wouldn’t you think so Clarkey?”

“Well,” she turns to address Anya, after giving Raven one of her deadliest glares. “She seems to be doing just fine in my class. She’s very—”

Anya whips her head to look at her.

“Your Class?” The woman asked, looking confused.

Clarke nods and makes a mumbled sound as she gulps on her water, and empties the bottle within seconds. 

_Damn it!_

“Lexa is taking your class?” Anya asked again, her eyebrows crease and patiently waits for her to answer.

“Mmm-Hmm.” She mumbles again. “Sh-she is in my Intro to Art.”

“Why?” 

_Well see, because Lexa and I......._

She shrugs.

“Uh, maybe because she is interested in Art.” Raven interceded for her.

Thank God for Raven being there. Clarke thought.

 _Or not_ , she changed her mind when she saw the latina wiggle her eyebrows and is looking at her with a mischievous smile. 

She is gonna kill Raven. She will ask her to sleep over tonight and murder her in her sleep......

“Maybe Lexa was inspired by Clarke-sss ARTistic skills, such valuable ASS-ets she brings...”

Raven sort of yelps as Clarke kicked her under the table.

Anya turns to look between the two, curiosity aroused. 

Clarke smiles, munching on a fry she sets the plate in front of Raven. 

“Fine. Here, you can have all the fries.” She tells the latina.

“Aww. Thanks Clarke.” 

She gave Raven a look and the latina sticks her tongue out.

“You two are like children when it comes to food.” Anya laughs, oblivious. “Anyway, I just find it weird-” 

“It’s a hobby, An.” Raven shrugs. “You know how Lexa is.”

“Raven, Lexa grew up with her hands smearing paint all around. Uncle Gus made sure she was taught to draw, sketch, imagine and create since she was a baby. She’s the only heir to Polaris Corp. Not only that, but my aunt, Amelia devoted herself to the arts. She was the Director to some Art Gallery in the city before she got pregnant with Lex.” 

Clarke gazes over at the brunette across the room and continues to listen intently to every word as Anya talks about how Lexa was brought up and taught from an early age to become a leader, taught to follow in her father's footsteps; hence, in his absence the brunette would lead Polaris Corp. 

 

*

 

Lexa not too pleased, sits with Lincoln at their usual table. 

In this very moment she would much preferred to be kissing the blonde than being here surrounded by so many students and teachers. 

But Clarke pretty much left her no choice —As is with everything else between them. Lexa is at the blonde’s mercy and command.

She glances across the cafeteria every so often to look at Clarke. Like magnets, pole to pole, their eyes meet and her pupils lingers on her beautiful blonde. 

Her gaze now focused on the small smile that Clarke holds in that pretty mouth of hers, the kind that says she knows exactly what she is thinking. 

They’re both full-on no shame staring at each other.

 _My God!_ How she craved a taste of those lips right this instant....

“Lex. You’re too damn obvious.” Lincoln interrupts her thoughts.

She takes her iPhone out to send a quick text to the woman.

 

 **Lexa:**

_Gorgeous blonde staring. Tempting. ;-)_

 

“What’s that?” She asked Lincoln, sounding a bit distracted.

Butterflies stirred in her stomach as she notices a few more swift glances in her direction before her phone vibrates with an incoming text.

 

 **Blue eyes:**

_Precisely my view, pretty girl ;)_

 

She grins, making her heart swell. God, she loves everything about this woman.

“Miss Griffin.” Said Lincoln.

At the mention of the blonde’s name, Lexa’s smile fades and straightens.

“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She said, looking around nervously.

“Sure you don’t.” Lincoln half laughs and half snorts. “Lex, it’s totally normal to crush on your teacher. But you my friend, oh you are...”

“I am not crushing on Miss Griffin Linc.” 

It’s not a lie, she loves the woman.

“Whatever.” Lincoln chuckles. “Don’t worry, my lips are sealed.” He mused, winking at her.

She gives Lincoln a faint smile. She can’t lie to him. Lexa has lost track of how many times he’s caught her coming out of the Art classroom. But she trusts Lincoln, the guy is very mature and a loyal friend.

“Lincoln nobody can find out, you hear—”

Lincoln raises his eyebrows and angles his head to let her know someone is behind her. 

When she turned her head to look, Olivia affectionately plants a kiss on her cheek.

“Stop it, will you Liv!” She exclaims, a tad annoyed.

The girl giggles in her ear and keeps her head just above her shoulder.

“Did you hear that Lincoln? She calls me Liv!” Olivia shouts, making a few eyes turn their way.

“Shut up.” 

“So! Will I ever meet the lucky lady that’s putting that smile on that purty mouth of yours?”

Lexa’s smile grows, from ear to ear. 

“Sit down.” She says and moves slightly pushing the girl away.

Olivia laughs taking the seat beside her. “She’s here. Isn’t she?”

“No. She’s not.”

“Yeah, she is.” Olivia notes, squinting her eyes suspiciously at her. “Or why would my kiss bother you so damn much?”

“It’s not that.” She shrugs.

“You’re deliriously happy, my friend.”

“On all accounts.” Lexa grins again, so much that her cheeks are starting to hurt.

“OMG!” Olivia says excitedly, then drops her voice a few octaves and asks, “Who is this person?”

“Ooooh. Do tell Lexi!” Lincoln chuckles, clasping his hands together excitedly mocking Olivia.

Lexa smiles and rolls her eyes. Ignoring her friends she picks up her phone to check on the new text Clarke sent.

 

 **Blue Eyes:**

_We need to talk._

 

Her heart almost stops when she read Clarke’s text. She glanced up to look across the cafeteria, Clarke was no longer there. 

Lexa knows how Clarke feels towards Olivia not respecting her personal space. _Damn it._ Could’ve been Olivia’s kiss? She starts to wonder.

 _God_ , sometimes she wishes she knew more about Clarke, because maybe then she would understand the jealousy and all her insecurities; because truly she has not given the woman a reason to not trust her. 

But it’s so hard when those walls never come down. Clarke is always guarded, the woman barely talks about her, it’s crazy that she knows so little about Clarke’s life in general. 

Obviously, Lexa always trying to avoid any conflict between them, she has never asked more than what the blonde wants to share or give. 

_Suck it up_ , she tells herself most of the time. 

For the past weeks she has stood there with a blissful smile and an ignorant sense of safety. She is free-falling into the unknown with her guard down and heart out in the open. 

At Clarke’s mercy — and that’s okay. 

She knows. Clarke has fallen in love with her in steps. Clarke loves her with caution. It is there and it is real. Surreal almost. She’s already felt Heaven in those lips. And if Clarke has granted such grace of wanting her in her life right now, she will use it wisely. She will wait for her and when that day comes, every step of the way it will be worth it. Even if it stings a little along the way. 

_It takes as long as it takes._

“You know Lexi,” Olivia starts, bringing her out of her thoughts, “She’s got you whipped, look at that smile Linc.” 

“Yeah.” Lincoln says with a laugh. “I think people call it —love?” He adds.

Lexa smiles wider. “Something like that.” She admits, standing up. “You both should try it out sometime.”

“You suck Lex!” Olivia shouts.

“Oh, yes I do and I’m pretty damn good at it too.” She smirks and excuses herself to go after the teacher.

 

//

 

For the second time today, she is running down the school hallways, just this time she’s trying to catch up to the blonde. 

Clarke took longs strides for such small woman, Lexa thinks as she spots her.

“Miss Griffin!” Lexa calls out from behind nudging a few students. “A word please!”

Reluctantly Clarke came to a stop and turned around. Lexa sees the blonde scan their surroundings before she speaks. There are several students in the hallways.

“I’m listening.” Clarke says in complete ‘teacher mode’. 

“Can we speak in private, please?” Lexa asked with pleading eyes.

“Yes.” The teacher agrees and gestured for her to follow. 

They walked inside the classroom in silence. 

Once behind closed doors, with much apprehension, and a nervous fluttering in her stomach Lexa asks cautiously, “You wanted to talk?” 

“Yes. But that’s— I was actually gonna call you later.” The blonde walks away, placing her wallet inside the drawer.

“We’re okay then?” She asks tentatively. 

Clarke’s professional tone was causing her uneasiness. 

“Yes.” Clarke replied, sounding more like a question than an answer.

A long period of silence followed with Clarke holding a scrutinizing gaze on her from across the desk.

“Ok Lexa talk to me because I’m almost afraid to ask why you’re here.” Clarke chuckles and walked around the desk to stand in front of her. “What’s going on?”

“No. I just thought—” Lexa shook her head. “You know texting someone ‘we need to talk’ is never a good thing.”

“Oh!” Clarke smiles and nervously tucks her hair behind her ear. “No fire, no emergency. Sorry.” The blonde says, her voice sounding softer. 

Lexa breathed a sigh of relief. 

“Ok. That’s good then.” She says with a chuckle, still studied Clarke’s eyes intensely, desperately making sure everything was fine. 

“No worries,” Clarke assured, leaning up to peck a kiss to her cheek. “You should get going, you don’t want to be late.” 

A grin played at her lips, “We still have a few more minutes.” She said as she reached out to wrap her arm around Clarke's waist, giving her hip an affectionate squeeze.

“Stop.” Clarke said decisively, and wiggles her way slightly out of her embrace. 

Lexa reluctantly freed the woman and froze. Her heart seemed to stop beating. In truth, it could have absolutely be nothing, but it was the first time Clarke has ever pulled away from her affections. She felt a torrent of conflicting emotions raging through her. She could sense the tension radiating through the blonde since she first approached her and knew that Clarke was in one of her moods. So, Lexa did what she always had done when the blonde was like this; she waited, she waited in silence until Clarke was ready to speak again.

“I probably shouldn’t say this,” The blonde starts, “but Pike talked to Anya about you today, apparently—”

Lexa turned abruptly and began to pace with an offended air. All of this was Pike’s fault.

“Fucking Pike I swear. What more does he want!? I’ve been late to his class once, ONE time and he’s already bitching-”

“Whoa—” Clarke interrupts her mid-rant. “Attendance Lexa. Punctuality. Remember those?” The blonde’s tone comes out sharp. 

She stopped at that and turned to look at the blonde.

“Of course, I do Clarke.” Her tone comes out just as sharp. “The man is a total self-absorbed jerk that wants perfection-”

“Lexa!” Clarke almost shouts, shaking her a little. “A few weeks ago you were his dream pupil, were you not?”

Lexa doesn’t answer and stays strangely quiet looking at the teacher sensing that there would be more terrible news forthcoming. Lexa waits.

 

*

 

Clarke turns around, putting even more distance between them, and stands behind her desk, looking a little nervous and unsure. 

“Look, I feel responsible for this...” Clarke says slowly.

“What? Why? What do you mean?”

Once bombarded with the array of questions, Clarke heaved a sigh.

“Isn’t it obvious Lex.” Her tone was long-suffering now. “We’ve been too b-busy...making out....that we end up loosing track of time.” She says embarrassingly. 

“Clarke that’s...”

“It is Lexa and you know it!” She snaps. 

Lexa gives her a disbelieving look but stays silent.

“So,” Clarke sighs and runs a hand through her hair. Twice. 

She inhales deeply because what she’s about to say is definitely not something Lexa wants to hear, at all. 

“I’ve decided that it’s best if we do not meet here during school-”

“Wait a minute,” Lexa interrupts and walked around the desk. “You’re serious?” The brunette asks a little too loudly.

Clarke pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs deeply, she already knew this was coming. It is why she didn’t want this conversation to take place here.

“Clarke, here is the only place I get to see you. You cannot take that....” Lexa trails off, surprising her. 

The girl is looking too thoughtful; smiling even. Clarke raises her eyebrows and looks at the girl curiously, wondering what’s going through Lexa’s mind. She sees the exact moment when something new enters the brunette’s mind, emerald eyes aglow with it.

“What are you thinking?” She asks, almost afraid.

Lexa smiles. “Unless we-”

“No.” She says quickly stopping the girl from spilling out any ideas.

Those green eyes now flashed in irritation. 

“Precautions never hurt Lexa.” She reminded the girl.

“I understand but you could at least try to be reasonable Clarke. I really need you to give me something here.”

“We’re not doing this here.” She responded, her tone sounding final. 

“If not here then where?” Lexa argues.

Clarke flinches. She takes her seat behind her desk and remains silent for a moment.

“We could go out sometime. Meet me somewhere else-”

“It’s too risky.” Clarke answered, patiently, without lifting her head to look at the brunette.

“We could drive far, I don’t know —drive to the city or something.”

“You know as well as I do, we can’t do that.” She retorted and busies herself by organizing the papers that lay scattered across her desk.

"Clarke. I really want to see you outside of these four walls. You know everything there is to know about me. I hardly know anything about you I’d like to—”

Clarke lifted her face and stared at the girl for a moment. 

"Is that a problem for you now, Lexa?" She queried and her voice comes out cold, defensive even.

Lexa flinches. She does too. Both avoid each other’s eyes for a long moment.

Clarke rose from her desk, putting a hand to her forehead before walking over to her again. "Look, you know I’d love to..." Her words emerging slowly as if trying to soothe her jab. "But I can't....you know I can't.” She said with all sincerity.

Lexa nods slowly and chews at her lips.

“This is exactly what I was talking about the other day —I'm not ready.” She shakes her head. “I’m not and I can't give you more than this.”

Lexa raises her eyes to meet hers, and Clarke sees the moment when a mix of anger and hurt enters the brunette’s expression. 

She wanted to look away, but the intensity of Lexa’s eyes held her.

 

*

 

“This?” Lexa asked meeting Clarke’s eyes steadily. 

Clarke stares at her blankly for a long moment.

“And what is ‘ _this_ ‘ to you Clarke?” She asked in an almost mocking tone.

There was a short silence while they looked into each other's faces.

“I am not in the best position to commit to anything or anyone right now, and you knew that!” Clarke tells her pointing an accusing finger at her and walked away from her.

“Am I just ‘anyone’, Clarke?” The words ripped from her throat making Clarke stop in her tracks.

She saw Clarke opened her mouth, then closed it again. The silence grows, threatening to swallow them whole.

As the seconds dragged on Clarke not even acknowledging what she’d asked, continued to head down the door to get it open for her next class.

Lexa watched the woman for a moment, it was like Clarke hadn’t even heard her. 

Cursing at her stupidity, Lexa forces a smile ignoring the pang in her heart. Logically, she knew she had no right to be angry; after all, Clarke was perfectly entitled to refuse her this right. She agreed to her rules, Clarke’ Terms. But emotions don’t follow rules.

She gathered her belongings and sauntered over to stand in front of Clarke by the doorway then gently kissed her cheek before walking out without saying another word.

But yet the anger pumped through her in the hallways. Inside her head as she walks towards her locker, she mentally lashes out at herself, shouting almost, making sure she doesn’t forget it or maybe because it would probably hurt less. 

_You did this to yourself. You are the one that fell in love with Clarke regardless of what the blonde had said. You wanted this. Now suck it up. Alexandria._

“Hey Lexa,” Monroe approached her with a toothy smile, “I wanted to ask—” 

“Ask tomorrow.” She snapped at the girl, slamming her locker shut with unnecessary force.

She quickened her pace as she walked out of the main school doors. She desperately needed some air. It was Friday after all. 

_Yeah_ , she would prefer things to be different. However, she knows damn well the odds are not in her favor. 

All she has to do is hold her feelings in check, one wrong move, one wrong word, another argument like this could shatter everything with Clarke. She couldn’t risk it. It is why she had walked away. 

She could suffer in silence. Just having Clarke in her life in any capacity was far better than losing all of Clarke due to her selfish indulgence. 

 

//

 

One. Two. Five. Two. 

Jab-Right uppercut-Left hook-Right hand.

Keeping her anger contained, Lexa is drenched in sweat, punching the training bag without wraps or gloves. She is kickboxing; punching and kicking all of her feelings away.

_You are stronger than your emotions, Alexandria._

She punches repeatedly, gently at first then forceful until she could no longer raise her hands anymore. 

_Pain is just a feeling. It's not who you are._ She reminds herself.

STRAIGHT RIGHT – LEFT CROSS. STRAIGHT RIGHT – LEFT UPPERCUT

“Fuck!” She hisses and looks down at her now bloody and bruised knuckles, scolding herself for being so stupid and loose control without the protection of the gloves.

She sucked at her knuckles trying to calm the small blood flow. Suddenly, interrupted by her phone vibrating, she walked towards her iPhone on shaky legs to see who it was.

 

 **Blue Eyes:**

_Lovely night for a walk, wouldn’t you think so?_

Lexa’s heart gave one quick burst of joy. She was still hurt and confused by Clarke’s words. But _God_ , she wanted Clarke more than air to her lungs. She wanted Clarke even against her better judgement anyways. It feels like she's been waiting all her life for this, for her, and now that she is so fucking close she's loosing her patience. 

She couldn’t give up now, there are so many more good things to happen. So, many.

 

 **Lexa :**

_If this is your way of asking me out, then YES, yes it is._

 

//


	23. Chapter 23

//

_Clarke you selfish bastard._ The voices murmured in her head as she parks her Jeep. She pushes the voices away as she sees the brunette already waiting for her outside. Then decides to sit still for a moment —filled with mute delight. Her hands clutching the steering wheel, she stared through the car window into the cold and gloomy night. 

They ended up meeting at the same park where Lexa poured her heart out sharing her most intimate and painful memories —where everything started. 

She challenges fate every chance she gets. _One mistake after another_ ; the voices come back and began to break down her life, teeming with the usual fear and dread. _Here you are, adding one more to your collection. Pull away now. It’s safer._ Her head tells her.

Glancing back at the brunette, her heart intercedes, thudding like thunder in her chest when she sees Lexa looking her way, giving her that gorgeous smile of hers. The brunette has stolen her breath, her reason, just whirling her into that world of feeling —the one that she had long forgotten. 

People say you are the author of your own adventure book, meaning she has the power to add or remove as many chapters as she wants. So, if she leads by heart; in this very moment; in fear of losing that dazzling smile, she comes to the terrifying realization that she doesn’t want to stop. Never.

Her reluctance to let the girl go is based on pure selfishness. Of course, she’ll be doing more harm than good but _Goddammit!_ she wants to be that selfish bastard. Or maybe just maybe she wants to take a chance. There’s much more to be written, so why finish this chapter. She wants the brunette beyond reason. She wants more kisses with Lexa, she hasn’t had enough. She wants to make love to Lexa, explore her perfect body with her hands until they both become wild with passion. And _Damn!_ Her skin prickled at the thought, desire pulsed deep in her core making her heart beat faster.

She pulls her hoodie over her hair, determination settling.

“Keep it PG-13 —for now Clarke.” She mutters as she open the door and grabbed the two Starbucks cups she brought knowing they’d be outside in the cold to keep them warm. 

She walked towards the picnic table where the girl sat waiting. Lexa looked up as she approached, a half smile lifted at the corner of her mouth.

“Hey you.” She greets softly, and offers the brunette one of the cups. 

Lexa gives her a small nod of gratitude, wondering emerald eyes searching her blues for evidence of her intentions for being there.

“It’s tea.” She says. _Because God forbid Lexa would take coffee._

She sat on the bench besides the brunette. Not too close but not too far.

“Thanks.” Lexa said appreciatively.

As the brunette reached for the cup Clarke notices the white bandage that covered Lexa’s hand.

“What happened?” She asked with concern, wanting so much to reach for it and inspect the wound herself.

“It’s nothing.” Lexa replied dismissively taking a sip from the cup. 

_You did this, you selfish bastard._ She mentally shook the thought away as the girl began to speak again.

“Kickboxing. I forgot my gloves.” Lexa further explained, this time with a dismissive shrug. 

She nodded, feeling miserable inside.

An awkward silence fell between them. Lexa holds a straight gaze, staring past the lamps that shone and flickered among the dark trees of the park. 

She sips on her coffee, sitting wordlessly and began to retreat inside her mind, looking for ways to start and break the awkward silence they find themselves in.

“Punching bag didn’t happen to have my face on it?” She chuckles weakly in a nervous attempt.

It was probably not the best way to break the tension because they had something very important to discuss but at least the girl found it funny, she heard Lexa let out a little, low laugh —pleasant to hear.

“Your face is too pretty.” Lexa says gently.

Clarke felt herself break into a smile at the words because the girl never fails to miss an opportunity. She loves that.

“Good.” She says, and they both chuckled.

She’d thought that the silence would’ve ended after that but another awkward silence ensued. Lexa’s gaze still straight ahead, waiting. Waiting for her.

Clarke’s gaze lingers for a moment longer than usual on the girl. _My God_ , she thought, Lexa was indescribably beautiful, the brunette’s side profile was so gentle, so refined, so perfect. And as beautiful as Lexa was, the girl could probably have any girl she wanted, more beautiful and much-much younger than her. 

_But no_ , Lexa had chosen her. 

Clarke thought her ‘Princess’ story had died in the ashes of Khloe’s betrayal. Her story has been too fucking messy, too damn complicated, love has been elusive, nonexistent for such long time until now, until....Lexa. 

But what kind of ending will this story have? Will there ever be a ‘happily ever after’? She wonders. A jumble of feelings followed, affection, sorrow, guilt......

_But what is your dilemma?_ Lexa could not promise her a future, no one could. Khloe did and look where that went. _A chance._ Lexa was asking her to take a chance on her. _So take a chance._ her heart tells her.

She continued to stare at the brunette, too overwhelmed to even make words —until Lexa ever so slowly turned her head to look at her, a small, knowing smile curled on her beautiful pink lips. And thousands butterflies stirred in her gut, resisting the urge to get closer and smother the brunette with kisses. She took a steadying breath, they needed to talk first. 

After all poor communication had gotten them here, so she straightened herself a little and looked back into Lexa’s face.

Apparently the brunette had other plans, Lexa held her gaze steadily then tossed her another dazzling smile that brought an unexpected warmth to her insides. She scooted closer and tenderly brushed the girl’s cheek as Lexa sat quietly, still, waiting patiently for her. She’s come to know that patience is something the girl has more than enough of. And she loves that too.

The brunette’s look was steady, warm and strong. The wordless exchange —reassurance that things will be okay no matter what’s to come or be said, that wordless intimacy that happens every time their eyes meet. It has always been there from the first moment their eyes met —it’s theirs, and theirs alone.

After a brief moment of much hesitation Clarke leaned forward, lightly brushing her mouth over Lexa’s and kept her eyes locked onto hers, inviting the girl to see the sincerity in the words she was about to say.

“I’m —” _sorry........_ The rest of her words went unspoken as the sound of Lexa’s phone interrupted the moment. So much, too much left unsaid. 

Both of them stilled and exchanged looks. Clarke cursed whoever it was as the phone kept ringing and vibrating insistently in Lexa’s pocket. 

Retreating, she carefully cleared her throat. 

“Maybe, you should answer it. Might be important.” She said quietly.

“Uh—yeah.” Lexa replied, hesitating briefly before pulling the cell phone out of her jacket pocket, smiled without apology and took the call. 

She happened to glance at the Caller ID screen, without intending to, as Lexa tapped the ‘Answer’ button. It read: ‘BABE’.

Clarke’s heart then stuttered to a sudden halt. _Who.The.Hell.Is ‘BABE’? _Grappled by fear and dread she remained quiet.__

__“Hey. I know I said I was going but something else came up. I’m sorry.” Lexa apologizes to ‘BABE’. “Mmm-hmm.....Yes......Shut up. Of course. I’ll make it up to you......Yeah. Thanks Liv and sorry again.”_ _

__‘BABE’ is Olivia. _Of course it was.__ _

__Clarke trying to fight the little, raising bubble of jealousy that brewed inside her remained awkwardly silent, even after Lexa had disconnected the call._ _

__Her desperation must’ve been plain on her face because Lexa looked on with curious eyes and must’ve felt the need to explain._ _

__“It’s been there since the first day Olivia and I m—”_ _

__“You don’t have to explain.” She said in a low, sharp tone, sharper than she'd intended._ _

__Lexa looked at her for a moment with a vague uncertainty._ _

__“Of course.” The brunette said with a touch of humor in her reply._ _

_Great._ That’s not how she meant it. She drew in a deep breath and turned her body towards Lexa once again, _Just get it over with._ she tells herself. 

__“Listen, about today —”_ _

__“You know, you don’t have to explain yourself to me, Clarke.” Lexa cuts her off, not wanting her to say any more._ _

Clarke flinched. Once again, in the blink of an eye, everything changes. To Clarke, Lexa’s response had been simple. No other words needed, Lexa didn’t want to listen. Maybe it was for the best. _Had she given up on her already?_

__She nodded mutely, uncertain now of how to proceed._ _

__They remained quiet for another brief moment._ _

__“I get it, you know.” Lexa starts, softening her tone and her look. “You don’t want commitment and that’s okay.”_ _

She shook her head in wordless disagreement. Simply because, _It’s not okay!_

__“Yes. It is.” Lexa insisted then took a deep calming breath before speaking again, “You’ve been clear with me all along—” Lexa continues, looking into her face with unwavering eyes. “Since the very beginning...”_ _

The brunette’s gaze grabbed hers, latching on with such hot intensity that seemed to come out of nowhere. She feels her jaw clench with her own anger. She had come here to take fault, to apologize but so far all she’s done is proved to be a coward. She is a grown woman and she can’t make up her own mind about her love life. _Pathetic._ She closed her eyes briefly letting her shoulders slump and braced herself against what else was to come. 

__“And I’ve accepted under those terms. You are not in the best position to commit, you’re right. I get it —it’s your career and it’s your whole life and....I-I can’t be that selfish—at least not right now.” Lexa paused, looking up at her, her lips hinted at a barely-there smile. “And—and I am still here —if, you still want. Me.”_ _

Clarke’s heart flooded with all kinds of emotions at Lexa’s words. She reached for the brunette’s injured hand and pressed it gently to her lips. _Be selfish, be greedy Clarke._

__“Of course I want you.” She says around the lump that had formed in her throat. Overwhelmed by emotion, her heart thumped double time against her ribs._ _

__Trying her best to calm the fast beating, her hand found the back of Lexa’s neck urging her face toward hers and brushed a feather light kiss across those luscious lips._ _

__She pulled back just far enough to look into Lexa’s eyes, her thumbs rubbing small circles on the back of the brunette’s hands._ _

__“I do want you Lexa. I came to tell you just that.... that I do and I want to try...” She sighed. “But no matter how much I want this, I still can’t promise you anything because I am not the woman you need me to be, I am not your dream come true—”_ _

__“Clarke —”_ _

__“No, please let me finish. Too many things were left unsaid last time and we cannot continue to sit here and create an illusion that will not happen anytime soon. You deserve better. My God! You do. You are the sweetest most loving human being I’ve ever met Lexa....and I’m afraid that _If_ you still want to be with me in spite of this—”_ _

__“I do.” The brunette said softly, cutting her off mid-sentence and meeting her gaze. “You said you’ll try.”_ _

__She heard Lexa sigh, her sweet lips curved in the sweetest smile._ _

__“Is that all you heard?” She asked and Lexa’s eyes filled with tenderness at her question._ _

__“No.” The girl replied, gently cupped her face in her hands and very softly kissed her cheek. “I understand what you're trying to say, but I'm sure you're worth it.” The girl said with a broader smile and kissed her again, slowly._ _

_Yep. You’re fucked Clarke._ She fights a smile into their kiss as she pressed on, harder yet tenderly. Wanting more and Lexa gladly obliged, kissing her roughly, feeling her lips part and beg for hers. Deeper and deeper she explored Lexa’s mouth, tasting every inch of sweetness she could reach. The kiss went on and on and could not seem to stop. All her senses were consumed by the brunette. It took every ounce of her willpower to let the brunette pull away. When they parted they were both breathing hard, their foreheads pressed together. 

__Cramped by the uncomfortable position Clarke grabbed Lexa’s hands._ _

__“Come.” She said, bringing the brunette to a standing position and reaching up to tenderly kiss her cheek. “Being active has never been my thing but I did promise to take you for walk.”_ _

__Lexa smiles and nodded softly. “Did you know that standing still is always more tiring than walking?” The brunette asked._ _

__“No. I did not know that.” Clarke said smiling. “But you did say standing. Not sitting, or laying down right?”_ _

__“I did.” Said Lexa, letting out a silent chuckle and shook her head._ _

__

__*_ _

__

__Warmth flooded Lexa’s body as Clarke’s words penetrated. The moment the blonde spoke, Lexa had already seen the sincerity in her blue gaze. Clarke wants to try, she wants her, the woman loves her._ _

__Yes, this was Clarke’s second ‘warning’ statement, giving her a chance to get out now while she could and suffer the short-term pain for the long term gain. But she can’t —No, she won’t give up now. She can still manage down her needs and expectations as long as she can hold on to Clarke, she can. She will have to._ _

__Together arm-in-arm, they slowly began to walk down the trail._ _

__“I’ll have you know, I’m not that interesting.” The woman tells her, giving her a flirty grin then wrapped a hand in the crook of her elbow and leaned her head lightly against her arm. “I’m actually pretty boring.”_ _

__Lexa smiles. “I have to disagree, you’re interesting to me.”_ _

__“Well, you already know I’m twenty-five. I’m an only child. A teacher at Polis High ANNND I don’t like sports. I hate sports—I never truly enjoyed any sports really....Let alone be good at one, ha! Nope...I'm not the sportiest of sorts.” Clarke said enthusiastically, barely stopping long enough to catch a breath. “Or maybe it’s because sports take over the priority of arts and academics you know....”_ _

__At Clarke’s rambling Lexa couldn't help but chuckle a little. She looks at the woman and the blonde breaks into a big, shy grin. She held her gaze for a little longer because Clarke appears peaceful, her smile is very calming._ _

__“I’m not really good at getting close to people....” The blonde trails off._ _

__Lexa stayed quiet, Clarke had never wanted to open up this much to her and she knew the blonde was trying to say something._ _

__After a pause, Clarke continued, “With you, it’s all so different and......that —it scares me sometimes.”_ _

__At that Lexa came to a sudden stop and turned to face the blonde. She takes a step closer, lifting Clarke’s chin up so her blue eyes were forced to meet hers._ _

“You don’t have to hold back from me, Clarke. I don’t want you to. I will never hurt you.” _I’ll love you forever._

__“I meant it, you know —what I said.” Clarke said honestly, her voice is soft yet firm._ _

__Lexa nods slowly in response._ _

__“I want you to know everything.” Clarke said with all sincerity. “I do.”_ _

__She smiled before lowering her head to Clarke’s and kissed her tantalizingly on the lips._ _

__“Ok.” She says with a grin, moving and offering her arm again. Clarke gladly took it. “We have time. Now, if you go too fast you’ll miss something and we have all evening.”_ _

__With a smile of great happiness they continued to walk in silence for a while, content to be together, just enjoying each other’s company._ _

__“My love for hamburgers started at the age of 4,” Clarke says beaming at her and she couldn't help it; she burst out laughing loudly. “Thanks to Octavia and Bellamy.”_ _

__“That’s wonderful but why ‘till 4 and not sooner?” She asked eager to know more._ _

__“My mother was a vegetarian.” The blonde further explained._ _

__“Ahhh! Mother a surgeon, only child and no hamburgers. That must’ve been tough.” She teased, then chuckles when she sees Clarke nodding with an adorable, playful pout._ _

__“It got better though. My dad sneaked them for me all the time after that.”_ _

__“And spoiled!” She added and Clarke’s pretty smile breaks into a huge grin._ _

__“Of course.” Clarke chuckles and nudges her ribs with a playful jab._ _

__Clarke’s elbow is sharp at her side but she loves it. The woman has a happy smile spreading across her features and the look on her face was something she’d never seen before, carefree and relaxed. She had seen bits and pieces of it, maybe but never like this. It overwhelms her in a way that makes it difficult to breathe._ _

__“You’ve been friends for a long time.” She says lightly._ _

__“Bell and O, ‘the Blakes’ are more like family.”_ _

__“And Raven?”_ _

__“First day of school, third grade. We sat next to each other. The rest, as they say, is history.”_ _

__The two of them walked around the park, just talking, they went on and on about anything and everything, never a break in the conversation. When they returned to the table, they sat on the bench again and began to talk about more personal topics._ _

__“Since I can remember, my mother talked about my going to Med School.” The blonde starts, moving into a deeper subject. “So, when I dropped out, I thought she was gonna have a heart attack. Everyone practically worshipped the ground Dr. Abigail Griffin walked on, so imagine her only daughter not following her footsteps...”_ _

__“I bet.” Lexa sighs. “My father and your mother should meet then. They’d make a wonderful pair.” She jokes._ _

__Clarke snorts and looks at her. “Yeah.”_ _

__“Well, my father inherited his business from my grandfather. After he passed Gustus grew it tenfold, what started out as a small firm of engineering now has grown to include architects, civil and hydraulic engineers, a construction division and whatnot.” She sighs. “He encouraged me to excel in everything so I could continue his legacy. I never asked for it, but apparently I was born for this —to lead. And no matter how hard I’ve tried, there’s no way out.”_ _

__The blonde inhaled a long deep breath and slowly released it. “Do you think if your mother was still alive, things would be different?” Asked Clarke._ _

__“Maybe. I don’t know.” She replied thoughtfully._ _

__“We’re not that different after all.” Clarke said with a sweet smile._ _

__“We’re not.” She smiled lightly. “What about your dad?” She asks in attempt to change their conversation onto a lighter subject._ _

__The question immediately brought Clarke to a frown and for the briefest moment she saw fear flash in those pretty blue eyes._ _

_Damn it._ She knew she’d gone too far now. Of course, Clarke won’t change overnight, she thought. She doesn’t expect her to. Clarke had given so much already. She didn’t mean to push and ask questions. But it was too late now. She stilled, waited and watched the blonde for another moment. 

__Taking a deep breath, Clarke gives her the faintest smile._ _

__“Can we...maybe, leave that one for another day?” The blonde asked quietly, when she nodded only a portion of her uneasiness erased._ _

She cursed herself for letting her eagerness to know more win over. _Did she really fucked this up already?_ She shouldn’t have asked. She shouldn’t push, rush or she’ll scare the woman away. She proceeded with caution and took Clarke’s hand in hers. 

__“At your own pace, and when you are ready.” She said and Clarke smiled softly, her eyes just barely lighting up._ _

__“Are you cold?” Clarke abruptly changed the subject. “It’s getting a little chilly out here, don’t you think?”_ _

__“That’s because we stopped walking.” She says standing up and offered the blonde her open arms for an embrace. Clarke stood up and she gently wrapped her arms around her._ _

__“I like this.” Clarke murmured and snuggled further into her warmth with a sigh._ _

__“It is nice.” She says tightening her arms around the woman._ _

__“It’s very romantic here.”_ _

__“Well, I say it’s not the place babe. It’s you.” She said honestly._ _

__At that Clarke reached up on tiptoes, wrapping her arms around her neck instead, pressing a sweet kiss to her lips. A thrill ran down her spine. She gripped the woman’s waist fiercely, holding her in place as they continued to kiss more passionately._ _

__After a blissful moment, Clarke pulled back to look at her._ _

__“Will you go out with me again?” Clarke asked her with a grin._ _

__Lexa smiled and her heart did a flip. She thought at any second it would slam out of her chest at the rate it was beating. She looks at the blonde, gazed into those deep, glowing blues, trying to believe that Clarke was really there, that this was not just in her head. She caressed her lips tenderly with her thumb._ _

__“Definitely.” She said, dropping a kiss at the corner of Clarke’s mouth._ _

The blonde snuggled deeper into the crook of her neck. Just breathing her in, relishing in her warmth and happiness. _I love you._ She wanted to say. _You can’t!_ Timing is everything. Too soon. She stopped herself. 

__They both sighed out a long breath and shared another moment of pure bliss, locked tightly in their embrace._ _

__“Lex.” Clarke called after a while._ _

__“Hmm?” She hummed dreamily._ _

__“Maybe, we— we could go to the movies... Teachers go to the movies, right? We coincidentally met there and decided to sit next to each other because why not? Right?”_ _

The only answer to that was to kiss the blonde again. _Fucking cute._ She felt Clarke’s soft smile against her lips while she smiled slightly back. 

_My God_ She loves this woman. More than anything—anyone in this world. 

__Clarke’s lips skimmed over the sensitive skin below her ear, “It’s dark there.” the blonde whispers, making her shiver in a different kind of way._ _

__“It is.” She managed to say as the blonde kissed down her jawline and back to her lips._ _

__“We c-can’t go to the city...” Clarke said with a ragged breath. “you’re still seventeen.”_ _

__“Not for long.” She stated, then dove back into the blonde’s lips, Clarke placed a finger to her lips, catching her by surprise._ _

__“And we—Uh—we still....we can’t have sex.” Clarke stammered, blushing a little._ _

She looked into Clarke’s gorgeous eyes and laughed softly, a little surprised. _Of course_ she is fast to comment on her little statement. 

__“What if I use protection?” Lexa teased, her mouth kicking up at the corner._ _

__

__*_ _

__

_I’d do you, with or without protection...._ Clarke stopped her naughty thoughts as she notices the teasing smirk that played across Lexa's pink lips. The one that tells her she’s caught her fantasizing. 

__“Shut up.” Clarke said, wondering whom she told that to, Lexa or herself._ _

__She reached up and wiped the smug look off the brunette’s face with a swift kiss, deepening it until Lexa moaned and very nearly melted against her._ _

__The two of them were so absorbed in this pleasant reverie that they did not hear the rustling noises of someone’s arrival._ _

__“Ahem.”_ _

__They both turned at the sound of the fake throat-clearing from behind. The dark figure stood only several feet from them._ _

__“Sorry, guys but it’s after hours.” The officer said, in an apologetic, conciliatory tone as he shined his flashlight on them. “This part of the park is closed.”_ _

__Lexa quickly wrapped her arms protectively around her._ _

__“Yes, sir. We’re on our way.” The brunette responded._ _

__She laughed lightly and pulled the brunette closer to hid her blushing face._ _

__“Nothing to be ashamed of ladies. Just keep it moving.” The officer teased._ _

__“Oh God...” She groans even more embarrassed, hugging Lexa’s waist tight with both of her arms, and nuzzled her face into the brunette’s neck. Feeling like a teenager all over again._ _

__“Let’s go.” Lexa says giggling._ _

__They exchanged looks and both shared a short laugh. She leaned forward to kiss the brunette gently on the cheek._ _

__Lexa studied her with appraising eyes, and flashed her sweetest smile at her before putting an arm around her shoulders then drew her closer for protection or warmth. Clarke was not sure, but it made her heart pound in her chest, resounding through her, making her skin vibrate._ _

__She reciprocated Lexa’s gesture, by holding and placing a soft kiss on the girl’s hand that hung around her shoulder. Satisfied, Clarke wrapped her arm around the brunette’s waist and continued their walk on the narrow trail towards their cars._ _

__Lexa made her believe that together they would make it through anything. She had to stop asking what the future holds for the two of them, stop asking if there will be a ‘happily ever after’._ _

__She feels safe in Lexa’s arms, full of life and passion. She wants to live in the moment._ _

_Just let it happen Clarke. Come alive._ Her head whispers to her heart. 

___ _

___//_ _ _


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your comments! 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy, and again, Thank you for taking the time to read it. 
> 
> As you all may know I hate long chapters so I usually separate them into two. Here’s part one. Enjoy :)

It had been some time since Lexa was this tired. SATs were taking place in less than two weeks, finals were approaching and she is almost impossibly far behind studying. 

Every year has been difficult but this year the pressure has doubled and it's becoming near impossible to not get stressed out. In addition to Clarke's sick torture of abstaining from sex until God knows when. But she is not complaining, she feels happier than she had in a long time. 

Over the past 24 hours, they’ve texted more constantly, they’ve talked and laughed. She’d learned more about her passions, work, and family, minus her father, past relationships, love......Lexa shook it off. It didn’t matter. They’re moving forward and she’s love every minute of it. 

Today, the blonde already had plans and drove to Arkadia with the Blakes to catch up with some old high school friends. Anya and Raven were also out, so she had the entire house pretty much for herself, _ahhh_ the peaceful silence. 

After spending the entire Saturday buried in books studying, she decided to workout before going to bed. Because truly, it is the only thing that could ease her mind at 10:55 at night. It is proven that regular physical activity keeps you healthy as it reduces stress. Well lately, she has been doing a lot of exercising —mostly for comfort, trying to relieve all that pent-up sexual stress that the blonde has built deep inside her, she needs it. 

It’s late but if she has to sacrifice some sleep in order to catch up, so be it. Her health and desires can wait. School cannot —Clarke, _Of Course._ , making the only exception. 

After one hour of intense work out she went and fetched a bottle of water in the kitchen. As she wiped her face and neck with the small hand towel she sees Raven rushing inside the room.

 _Great._ Raven is not exactly what she needs right now.

“Oh my God, what's with all the abs?”  
She hears the Latina laughs.

"Hello Raven." She forces a smile. "You guys are home early." She comments, not that she cares but she was hoping to call it a night and have a peaceful night’s sleep. “Party's over so soon?”

"No. It was more of a romantic, _couples_ dinner type evening." Raven shares with a grin.

"Ok." Lexa forces yet another smile and waved the woman goodbye. But before she takes a step to walk out, she felt a touch to her shoulder forcing her to turn around abruptly.

“What the—”

"She's my best friend, you break her heart, I'll break your face. Simple." Raven threatened.

The Latina stood with her hands on her hips. Lexa watched her intently but didn’t say a word, instead she patted the woman’s shoulder and smiled with all the intention of avoiding conflict. _Let it go._ She calmed herself.

"Don't fucking give me that cocky smirk, I swear I'll end you Lexa." Raven threatens again.

She didn't smirk out of arrogance. She's confident, independent and mature enough to sit and have an adult conversation about this. She demands, no she commands daily that people treat her with respect and Raven fails to. All the time. The only problem she sees here, is that the woman doesn’t respect her enough to think she’s worth dating her best friend, it is why such defensive behavior. She understands. So, she does what she does best, she will kill her with kindness, by being cordial, respectful and by not reacting in a rude or emotional way to her taunts and stupid tests.

"I won't." She promised, as angry as she might be, she remained polite in her response. Politeness is still the key. “I suppose—looking at it in your way, I’m not exactly what you wanted for your friend.” She went on; “but she chose me and I am not going anywhere. Everyone has the right to be shown respect—”

She stopped talking when she saw her cousin come into the kitchen, eyes already rolling and Lexa already knows what’s coming; she’s on her most revealing workout gear. Sports bra and shorts. 

"For fuck’s sake Lexa, go and put some clothes on. We have company. Azgeda."

Ah. Her second favorite cousin _Roan._ Anya’s half brother. 

"I was just telling your girlfriend here, I didn't expect you home this early.... I know how jealous you get of these." She says jokingly, flexing her biceps and abs.

"Ha! You mean, jealous of these?" Anya lifts up her shirt with an amused smirk on her face showing off rock hard abs. 

_Yeah. Yeah._ She can't compete with her cousin, but that's because Anya has years ahead of training.

"My god you two," Raven comments, "What do you do every morning, stand in the mirror and admire yourself for an hour?" 

"Two, actually." Lexa replies cheerfully, reaching for an apple in the small fruit basket that sits in the kitchen island.

"Yeah." Anya agrees with another smirk of her own. "And kiss each of my biceps--"

"Shut up babe." Raven leaned in to kiss Anya's mouth shutting her up.

"Gross. Take it to the bedroom." Lexa says before biting into the apple.

"Looking good minions." _Roan._ "You two are almost there." He tells them, lifting up his shirt as well and showing off his killer six-pack. 

_Show off!_

"Fucking Woods. I swear." Raven chuckles.

“Hey, the ladies love them.” Lexa grinned then glanced over her shoulder to look back at Roan. 

To her surprise standing next to him was _her_ lady. Her one and only. Clarke Griffin.

“If only they knew how much of a dork you are.” Anya said, and laughs even harder when Raven agrees.

"Hello Clarke," She says ignoring them and focusing on the beautiful — _NO_ , **her** beautiful blonde Goddess, whose blue eyes now roam over her body slowly. "Fancy seeing you here." She says with a grin, taking another bite of the apple. Screaming inside. _Yes, Baby. It's allll yours._ as Clarke’s blue gaze continues to roam over her face and down her body.

 

*

 

Clarke's breath hitched in her throat and tried to calm her racing heart, _Jesus Lord Christ_ , she curses in her head as she caught sight of Lexa, the girl is wearing nothing but her sports bra and yoga shorts that hung dangerously low on her hips, which left very little to the imagination. Surely, her eyes darkening with lust, a combination that is seriously too lethal for her liking. Apart from the absolute perfection of Lexa's features, the girl was smart _and_ toned, and funny, and the list goes on. 

_Of course_ , she's felt it under her clothes but seeing it with her own two eyes gives her a complete different feeling. It took her breath away and her voice along with it. 

_Right._ There's an audience. _Damn it Clarke!_ She tries her best to compose herself and nodded her response, obviously unable to form any kind on reply at that very moment. _God,_ Her mouth felt dry and her heart rate quickened. _Stop it!_ She shakes her head slightly, tearing her eyes away from Lexa's. 

Good thing Raven is keeping Anya busy, or else her body would probably be inside a black bag this very moment. Mental note: Thank Raven later.

"Umm. Well," Roan clears his throat. _So awkward._ "Thank you ladies for dinner. I had a great time."

"You sure you don't want to stay Roan?" Asked Anya.

"No. I have an early meeting and you know how uncle Gustus feels about punctuality." He declined turning to look at Lexa and the girl gives him a firm nod.

"Clarke." Roan turns to face her, "A true pleasure to meet you." He says, taking her hand and placing a kiss upon it. "You have my number." He winks. 

At which has nowhere near the same effect as when the brunette does. However to be polite, she forces a smile in return. 

Suddenly a sick, panicky-dready sensation begins to fill her chest, gulping nervously her eyes trailed behind Roan to look at the brunette who already has her jaw clenched, her darkened green eyes shoot daggers in the direction of her possible competition. 

"Goodnight." Roan waves everyone goodbye.

Clarke flashed back and forth between Lexa and Raven. She had not planned to come all the way to Easton tonight, but Roan needed to get his car back due to his early Sunday meeting he could not stay longer. Raven had picked her up on the way to dinner, they all decided to carpool since they were all going to the same place. 

"I'm going to bed." Raven says pulling Anya with her. "Clarke you're taking my car?" 

“You should stay Clarke.” Anya tells her.

She smiled at both of her friends not wanting to say yes or no. Raven understood and handed over the car keys. "Thanks.” She said.

"I guess, I'm going too.” Anya smiles as Raven pulls her again and leads her out of the kitchen. “Don’t stay up too late kid!" The woman shouts to Lexa.

She cast a quick, sideways glance at Lexa and caught a glint of anger flashing from the corner of her green eyes as all three walked out saying goodnight to each other, leaving Lexa alone in the kitchen.

 

//

 

Thousands of questions ran through Lexa's mind, and she couldn't pick which to ask Clarke first. 

_Romantic. Dinner. Couples. Date._ Raven’s words resonate in her head.

Is Clarke still dating other people? Is Clarke kissing other people? Is she sleeping with other people? 

_Fuck!_ She wonders if this was the reason why the blonde doesn't want to commit to their relationship. She has other options, she’s seeing other people? She lets out a mocking laughter, of course she does have options. The woman is stunning. And _What relationship you idiot? You don't have one._ She harshly told herself. 

Clarke has made it clear, she doesn't want a relationship with her. The blonde wanted her to get to know her, but never talked about a real relationship. _Of course,_ all of the blonde's actions ultimately make her intentions clear in this very moment. But, why Roan? Her cousin. This, right here feels like, as if Clarke is deliberately trying to hurt her. Maybe she is, could she be that cruel? 

_NO. Stop it. Of course not!_ She immediately abolish that thought; and starts to feel more sadness than anger. Just yesterday she felt loved, minutes ago she felt amazing. And right this second her heart is sinking. _Damn it!_

All these thoughts are leaving a bad taste in her mouth. She didn’t know what to think or how to feel right now. So, she stood there in the kitchen in place staring at the wall because all of this, it's making her feel......sort of numb. 

Meanwhile, there came a voice she knows all too well.

"Alexandria" 

Calls the voice and _My God_ , her name sounds too damn sexy from Clarke's lips. It is the first time the woman has ever called her by her full name. _Fucking Sexy._

But she can't turn. She feels unsteady. She is unsure how to confront Clarke about this. And she needs to think of a way soon because at that very moment, she felt a slight touch on her right shoulder.

 _Think rationally._ she tells herself.

"Are you trying to kill  
me?" Clarke whispers into her ear, from behind, the blonde’s voice lathered in seduction.

_God help me._ Lexa pleads as heat swept over her, and spreads like wildfire.

"I didn't know you were coming." She says, forcing her tone to remain cool and calm. 

She closes her eyes briefly, but it's near impossible to pull herself together when she feels Clarke slid her arms around her waist, resting her chin on her shoulder then places a light peck against her cheek. 

"I'm here." The woman breathes kissing the back of her neck, moving from bare skin into her hair.

 _Godamnnit,_ Lexa curses herself for being so weak. So much for wanting to protest, to pull away, how could she stop her own body from betraying her? 

Clarke's body felt too delicious pressed against her back, her scent intoxicating her, just as the touch of her hands around her bare skin driving her fucking wild. 

"I wanted to see you--" 

"Right." She said, with a bit of an edge in her voice, taking a deep breath she pulled away from the blonde, turning to face Clarke properly. "Fill two needs with one deed. Nice." 

 

*

 

Clarke was taken aback by Lexa's tone of voice. Her pride is hurt. One, it is the first time Lexa has ever pulled away from her. Two, here she is trying to be sexy, make a move and she is been rejected. 

“What do you mean by that?" She asked calmly.

Lexa let out a harsh, short cynical laugh. "Your date with Roan."

Oh.

 _Is that jealousy she hears?_ Her lips pull up slightly in amusement. She would've never once thought that Lexa would have a jealous side. _Boy_ , had she been wrong….this is new. She thought.

"Ah. I get it;” She went to her. Not scared but wanting to press comfort into the brunette, be in her arms again, “You're jealous," she states, confidently, but before she closes the distance between them Lexa took a couple steps backs to maintain some distance.

"He is my cousin Clarke." Lexa shoots back.

Her smile faded instantly, and straightens, reaching for Lexa's hand.

"We-- Raven, Anya and a couple of other friends had planned to go out to dinner. I told you this. Roan called Anya last minute and said he was in town." She informs the brunette and tightly held her hand. “We decided to carpool, it’s why I’m here.”

"So you didn't go out-out...like on date with him?" Lexa asked sheepishly.

Before she responds she rolled her eyes. _God, she's so cute, just kiss me already._ Clarke thinks and sees the girl nervously biting her bottom lip. “I did go out-out." She grins. "You're too cute when you're all jealous--" 

The rest of her words were cut off when Lexa's hands grabbed her hips and lifted her up onto the countertop.

"Lexa!" Clarke let out a squeak of surprise. "Put me down." She exclaims. 

Lexa's hands rest at her waist, and she sits still under her gaze, those bright green eyes looking up at her. 

Her legs automatically fell open for the girl and Lexa eased between them. The two of them spent a moment taking each other in. A multitude of new sensations cascaded over. Her body melted for the brunette. _God,_ She wanted so much to circle her legs around Lexa’s waist and....

"I'll have you know," Lexa starts to says interrupting her thoughts, and she raises an eyebrow, "We are doing all of this wrong," The girl breathes into her lips. "You should've told me you were coming." She finishes running her fingers through her straightened blonde hair.

"I wanted to surprise you." She says, her voice soft and smiling brightly.

"You know how much I hate surprises.” Lexa tells her and continues to look at her lovingly, twirling her blouse at her side hip.

“I know, that’s why I did it.” She smirks, and giggled as she receives a playful glare from the brunette. "No?" She asks. 

Her hands splayed over Lexa’s shoulders and leaned in to meet those delicious lips into a kiss, soft and slow kiss, and too damn short for her liking too. But anyone could walk in on them at any given moment. 

"Put me down." She commands. "Someone might see us." 

Her command goes ignored, and she looks at the brunette barely containing a laugh.

"I'm serious." She says and held Lexa's face to rub on her lower lip with her thumb to clean the smeared lipstick. "What's funny?" She asked.

"Baby, you could easily come down yourself." The brunette says before flinching as her fist came flying into her arm playfully. 

"Asshole." Clarke said sticking her tongue out, having no intentions to come down herself she says again, “Put me down.”

"You started it," Lexa smirks before grabbing her by her waist and slowly lowering her to her feet. 

"And you stink." Clarke wrinkles her nose prettily with a smile and places a gentle kiss on the brunette’s cheek.

"I don't see that as an impediment to take this into the office.." Lexa admonished, chuckling before her eyes flicked down to her lips.

 _The office._ Their secret meeting place for the last few weeks. 

”Is it?” The brunette asked with a sly smile and a wink that made her knees weak.

Lexa's voice had come out low-pitched and dripping with sensuality, pressing her against the counter, one arm holding the back of her head as she leaned to kiss her, first softly, then more aggressively. Her fear of getting caught made the kiss feel stolen, so she kissed her again and again. 

"It is!" Clarke sassed, the tip of her tongue peeking out from between her teeth as she grinned up at the brunette. "Go, shower. Now!"

"Aren't you bossy," Lexa pulls her by the hips, and turned her swiftly around then circled an arm around her waist. "Lucky you, I follow orders well." The girl said grinning as she led her out of the kitchen towards the staircase. 

She snuggled closer to Lexa and the girl peppered her neck with kisses. She yearned to be close to Lexa all day, exactly like this, with her arms around her. She loved the way the brunette’s hands rest on her waist—strong, possessive. 

"Give me ten." Lexa pecked her on her lips before turning to walk up the stairs.

She nodded in return and stood by the stairway. She was sure the brunette could feel her watching, her blue eyes were burning into the girl's back (ass) as she slowly walk up the glacial white-marble stairs with an extra sway of her hips that Clarke knew was to her benefit. 

What was it? 15 steps. She could easily strut upstairs, _A tempting idea....._

Fingers snapped in front of her face, making her jump and widen her eyes. 

"Snap out of it Clarke!" Said Raven.

"Fucking hell." She sighed in relief. _Where did the woman even came from?_

"You two, I swear!" Raven laughed softly and shook her head already making her way upstairs.

"Hey Raven!" She calls and when her friend stops and turns, says, "Keep your woman busy for me, will ya?" 

"Oh. I plan to." Raven tells her with a wicked smile then turned around and wiggles her ass, "Use your time wisely, Princesa." 

She chuckles softly and shook her head, amused.

"I will." She smiles.

//


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh My I love your comments! So-so sorry tho...
> 
> Longer chapters, longer time editing. Part III coming.....

//

Inexplicable nervous, she was surprised at how nervous she was all of a sudden. 

Clarke went inside the office and sat on the sofa. For the first time she felt nerves nibble at her as she waited. It was almost ridiculous.

_Everything is gonna be fine_ She told herself. _You’re not having sex. You’re not having sex. You’re gonna make out and cuddle...then make out some more, go home to your bed where you can fantasize as much as you want. But no sex._

Sadly, the internal reassurance did little to calm her frazzled nerves. For several minutes, she paced around the office, eyeing everything on the book shelves. Then walked over to the curtains. She peeked outside. There was nothing but the cold outside.

_What the hell is wrong with you Clarke?_ She asked herself then walked over to sit on the leather chair and fiddles with different objects on the desk. 

It's only then she notices the furnishings of the office, every piece compliment each other; richly decorated, walls were covered with photographs and paintings. The room was in fact very warm and inviting, obsessively neat and organized, it was so..... _Lexa_. The thought made her smiled. 

She wandered from frame to frame until she heard a soft knock on the door. As she looks over her shoulder the door knob slowly turned; sounds of strain coming from the old wood. She let out a soft chuckle as the door creaked open and the girl enters quietly as if it was not her house.

"Hey." Lexa whispers, gorgeous green eyes shining on her with a soft smile that nearly stole her breath. 

"Hi." She managed to say, and stood there smiling like an absolute idiot. 

The new fresh scent wrapped around her as Lexa drew closer. 

"You," She murmured, wrapping her arms around the brunette’s neck, "Smell so good."

Lexa brushes a kiss across her lips and throws a flirty grin at her. 

“Come here.” The girl says and leads her towards the sofa pulling her onto her lap when she sat down. 

Clarke couldn’t help but smile as her heart fluttered in her throat. She gazed up at the brunette, hoping her heart wasn't in her eyes. 

"I'm not too heavy, am I?” She asks and feels the girl tightening her hold around her waist keeping her captive with one hand, and with the other brings her hair to the back gaining access to her neck.

“Nope. You. Are. Perfect.” Lexa punctuated each word with a kiss to her shoulder, her lips and her cheek. "Just perfect." The brunette whisper the last of it against her neck.

Lexa’s breath hits the back of her neck leaving her skin burning, and sending a blunt wave of lust down through her. _Fuck._ She’s in so much trouble.

She met those forest green eyes that drive her insane, and Lexa stares back at her with such intensity that makes her shiver. She knows that Lexa is well aware of the effect she has on her. She can tell by the sweet smile that’s on Lexa’s pretty face, tender eyes which hold her in this sweet moment of existence.

“You’re driving me crazy —Crazy.” She rasped looking deep down at her green-eyed hottie. 

“Yeah?” The brunette asks with her hand on her thigh, dangerously stroking her leg. 

A sudden desire to show the effect the girl has on her, washes over Clarke. She wants the brunette to know how much she wants her —that her body is craving for her. 

A ghost of a smile plays on Lexa’s lips before she leaned in to capture her lips once again. Lexa’s lips and tongue react immediately and their kisses become messy, opened mouth, tongue and teeth crashing. Drunken with the mere possibility of tasting the brunette. They’re making out like the horny teenager she once was. 

Clarke had said once or twice and she’ll probably say it a thousand more times but she’d kissed Lexa dozens of times and still couldn’t seem to get enough of her. _Addictive. So. Fucking. Addictive._

“Lex,” she huffed lightly against the brunette’s lips, her eyes stayed closed as her body melts against Lexa’s, she’s almost straddling the girl. “Can we—uh maybe...” she continues nervously. “Just cuddle?” 

Lexa ran a hand down the curve of her waist, and gives her a loving smile.

“Sure." The brunette murmured, barely having enough breath to get out the tiny word then falls back into the couch taking her down with her. 

Clarke is damn glad she wore skinny jeans today and opted from wearing the dress she had planned to wear. She shuffles in Lexa’s arms, sliding sideways so that the narrow couch could accommodate them both. She then rested her head on the brunette’s shoulder, closing her eyes she sighs in content. And Lexa plants a faint kiss on her temple as her arm came around her waist in an effort to bring her even closer to her; as if the girl is afraid to let her go. 

It’s been too long since she’s felt like this; absolute bliss cannot even describe what she is feeling right now. 

"Raven said you guys were going to California for Thanksgiving," She said casually, resting her hand on Lexa’s stomach. 

“I think Anya wants to officially introduce her as her girlfriend.” Lexa replies with a sort of snort.

"She's nervous to meet your aunt."

The brunette breaks into a soft low laugh, "That’s ridiculous. They’ve already met." 

“Well, —this time it will be a little different." She looks up at the girl, smiling a little. 

Lexa opens her half-dazed eyes and looks down at her, suppressing a yawn she says, "Probably. But they're the nicest people I know."

“You look tired.” She murmurs.

“I am, a little bit.” The brunette says lazily.

“Did you get a lot done?” She asked, lightly running her fingers up and down the brunette’s stomach. 

“I did, actually.” Lexa murmured softly, a content sigh leaving her.

After a moment's silence, she adds: “My mom asked...No, she begged me to spend Thanksgiving with her—" 

“When do you leave?” Lexa asked before she had a chance to finish.

“Thursday.” She answered.

A simple, ‘Oh’ falls from Lexa’s lips, and took notice as a curious change passes over the girl. Clarke is left wondering what she had said wrong. 

Seconds later Lexa tightens her hold against her arm, bringing her head to rest on her chest reassuring that nothing is wrong. Everything is fine.

Clarke stood still as she listened to Lexa’s slow heartbeat, the slow rise and fall of her chest soothing her fears. Delicate strokes run down her spine, and small kisses are been placed onto her head, somehow, it calmed her.

No words are said for a long moment. 

A long, long sigh breaks from her lips before she starts to speak softly, “This feels nice.” She says and it comes out so close to a whisper that if it would’ve been anyone else it would’ve gone unheard. But Lexa catches it.

“It is.” The brunette nodded, and both said nothing more.

 

*

They are silent again and Lexa contemplates thousands of questions in her head. She is glad Clarke is not looking at her as she still frowns and tries to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She was truly looking forward to spend more time together. Having the house for herself, she had already planned in her head and was on the making of a romantic candlelight dinner with Clarke. _What an idiot she is!_ But why would Clarke think she was going to California with Raven and Anya? She wonders if Raven has anything to do with it.

It stings and it’s both; mentally and emotionally exhausting. The more time she spends with Clarke the more she is in danger of loosing herself. She wants more, and it had only been 24 hours. She feels like a fool to have even entertained the idea. Maybe Clarke was right, and she is not strong enough to handle it. This is a loosing battle. 

_Suck it up. Own up to it. Don’t you dare loose focus. Having her in your arms just like this is more than enough._ Her heart shouts and she swallows the lump that was forming in her throat, and silenced the thoughts in her head. She’s become an expert on doing that. This was enough. Should be enough. Moments like this with Clarke are....

“— as inexplicable and irreducible as falling in love.....” 

She freezes, squeezed her eyes shut and her heart is now pounding. _Goddamnit, Lexa. Did you fucking say that out loud?_

Their mutual silence saturated the room.

The blonde broke the silence by letting out a soft chuckle. “You read too many books.” Clarke says finding her ‘almost’ love confession comical. 

Truthfully, the blonde’s words were light but startling, hitting like a tone of bricks, —No, like a punch to the gut, —NO, it was a direct hit to her heart. 

She sucked in a breath. _Lexa, you fucking idiot._ She scolds herself. Her heart clenched in her chest. 

If she was glad before the blonde was not looking at her, now she is gladder; thrilled —if Clarke saw her eyes, she’d see how much her words had affected her. Because _Yes_ , it fucking hurts. They cut deep, deep inside, even though she knew Clarke hadn’t said them with the intention of hurting her, at least she’d like to think the blonde was not that inconsiderate.

She took another deep breath, her thoughts still in chaos, she chuckles dusting the strained silence they find themselves in again.

“I don’t own a TV and I’m a dork.” She laughs and Clarke joins her. 

“Never thought I’d hear you say that.” Clarke giggles. 

“Shut up.” She forces a smile, then closed her eyes again cursing herself. 

As the laughter subsided there was yet another painfully long, long silence. 

She pushed Clarke’s words to the back of her mind and sighs. 

“Tell me something about you —something that I don’t know yet.” She says.

“What do you want to know?” Clarke asked and looked her into her eyes.

“Anything.” She gazes down at the blonde, “Anything you’d like to share.” She answered, knowingly that if she was to ask most likely, it would go unanswered. 

The blonde snuggles closer nuzzling her face lovingly into the crook of her neck. Her heart dipped into her stomach, and closed her eyes, just savoring the feel. 

“When I was young—” The blonde starts.

“You’re still young.” She interrupts and gently kisses Clarke’s forehead before burying her nose in blonde hair, “And pretty.” She adds with a smile and though she couldn’t see Clarke’s face, she knew the woman was smiling—a warm smile or giving her a good roll of those pretty blue eyes.

“You certainly are a smooth talker Lexa Woods.”

Lexa shook her head in disagreement. "I'm just being honest." She said earnestly.

“Fine!” Clarke chuckles softly, “Mind if I continue?”

“Please do.” She tightens her hold on Clarke's waist and kisses her forehead again as she rests her head on the blonde’s head. “Sorry. Go on.”

“In my childhood days,” Clarke clears her throat teasingly and Lexa can’t help but grin and plant her lips on her head, breathing her in.

“..I actually wanted to become an astronaut as the thought of Earth was just not enough for me. I loved the idea of exploring new worlds...” A slow, satisfied smile spreads over Clarke’s beautiful face as she glanced over at her batting her lashes. 

And at that moment Lexa is so tempted to roll over the blonde and kiss her, kiss her until they’re breathless, until their lungs burn for lack of oxygen. 

“So!” Clarke clears her throat bringing her back. “I remember my father taking me on these long, long walks, holding me upside-down so I could ‘spacewalk’, on the clouds, —you know, because I was too little to become an Astronaut then, so in the meantime he’d let me see life in a different perspective.” 

It’s the closest thing to bliss she's ever experienced, it feels perfect, amazing. It feels even better than fucking sex, and that’s funny because she didn’t think that could be possible. Or maybe, JUST maybe because she has not experienced sex with Clarke yet. One simple mistake could be enough to ruin this for a lifetime. _So.Don’t.Fucking.Ruin It._ her heart pleads. 

She began to stroke the woman’s hair soothingly, the tips of her fingers occasionally grazing lightly against Clarke’s soft cheek.

 

*

 

The quickened beat of the brunette’s heart under her cheek and the intimate touch is making her shiver. The small of a gesture of Lexa’s touch feels like fire on her skin, and instead of calming, the pounding of her chest magnifies as she continues to share her most precious memory of her father.

“I was always inquisitive of how everything worked, you know —how the world worked and why! If he didn't have the answer, _he_ taught me how to seek it. He taught me to be who I am today. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t know where I would be right now.”

She fell silent and looks up to see the brunette, green eyes examined her face for a few moments. 

_I love you, too Lexa._

“We’ll figure this out.” Lexa told her.

Enough confirmation that Lexa had understood why she had chosen to share that memory. _We. Together, we’ll figure it out._ She smiled up at the brunette, who is smiling back at her lovingly.

“You never talk about your father, where is he?” The girl asked her carefully.

She paused and swallows gently then propped her head up on an elbow and gazed down at brunette. When she was getting ready to give a response Lexa interrupted. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“No, it’s fine.” She shook her head. “His name is Jake. Jacob Griffin. He’s an engineer.” 

She takes her time and they peered into each other's eyes for a brief moment.

“He-....he stays in Polis. He is uhhh, he is the chief Engineer at Polaris Corp.” She says and for only a moment she saw the shock in Lexa’s green orbs. 

Lexa was silent for a few moments and then spoke quietly, “He works for my father.” 

Clarke was not sure if the girl was asking but she nods in return. She stays propped up on her elbow, as the two remain silent for a minute, giving Lexa some time to absorb her confession. Nothing else was said.

“Lexa,” Clarke says, very gently after the long silence.

“Hmmm?” 

“What _do you_ want?” She asks softly. 

__Clarke sees as Lexa opens her eyes slowly, letting out a soft chuckle the girl answers._ _

__“Like for my birthday?”_ _

____

__“No,” she paused, “like —anything.” She says and rests her head back in the comfort of the girl’s shoulder._ _

____

__“Let’s see....I’d like..” Lexa starts slowly, “No. I would love.....to know what it feels to wake up next to you every morning."_ _

____

__At hearing that response, Clarke lifts her head back from Lexa’s shoulder again and peers at the girl intently._ _

____

__Lexa is looking at her like she is seeing her for the very first time and there is so much on those emerald eyes that it's damn overwhelming. They’re both just going back and forth._ _

____

__The brunette’s eyes have always been so expressive; it’s mesmerizing and suffocating at the same time especially when it’s all directed at her. It's so fucking simple because Clarke knows exactly what the girl is saying, what Lexa is asking and it's the only fucking thing she can't promise._ _

____

__A relationship._ _

____

__She can’t. But _My God, I love you. I do.__ _

____

__"Maybe..." She says gently maintaining eye contact, being very careful with her response. “....someday.” she concluded.__

____

There was more silence between them for a moment. She was sick of silence.

____

“Can I ask you something?” She said with a teasing note in her voice.

____

“Anything.” Lexa whispers, meeting her eyes. 

____

She began to trace circles across the brunette’s belly, teasing the girl because it’s better, it’s their way out. 

____

“How do you get these?” She says and poked the girl’s abs. 

____

Snickering she gives the brunette an innocent look full of fun and Lexa’s eyes grew brighter, her lips quirking, there is so much devilment in those green eyes as she still giggles.

____

“Well,” Lexa starts to say and bites on her lip before she continues, “you _could_ start by removing all that whipped cream from your Frappuccinos. Then...” 

____

“Uh. No thanks.” She interrupts the girl. “I’m good.” She smiles as she hovered over the brunette and pressed her lips to Lexa’s in a chaste kiss. “You know me. If I had to choose abs over Frappuccinos—”

____

“You most definitely choose Frappuccinos.” Lexa laughs heartily against her lips.

____

_This is better._ The brunette’s voice and laughter wafted over her as she nodded, holding her own excitement. She laid into Lexa even more, the girl’s arms wrapped around her waist just holding her down. 

____

Wait. A. Fucking. Second....

____

_Fucking hell! How did they end up in this position?_ she panicked briefly and froze. This was a mistake. A very bad-bad mistake. But she did have a feeling from the start that tonight there was gonna be a list of mistakes. 

____

 

____

*

____

 

____

Lexa feels the blonde stiffen, flushed at the realization of what she had done. But her reaction was to pull Clarke closer. 

____

“You’re totally trying to top me right now.” Lexa teases, playing along and Clarke’s eyes sparkle with a beautiful, wistful smile touching her lips. 

____

“Trying?” Clarke asked, eyebrow lifting as she inches closer to her.

____

Lexa’s breath hitched in her throat when Clarke lets the full weight of her body settle atop hers; feeling her body melt against hers. More so, her heart kicks to double-time as she feels the blonde’s breasts slowly settling over her chest. 

____

_Fuck._

____

Clarke’s breath was already unsteady, blue eyes, now a shade darker filled with lust and desire. The woman is looking at her lips through her lashes with glazed and heavy eyes, lazy lids that are barely open.

____

“Clarke, you’re gonna have to stop looking at me like that,” she warns, as blue eyes shimmer with want. Pure hunger. _For her_ , reserved for Lexa Woods. “Baby, I swear you’re killing me right now.” She says and captures pink lips before the woman could say anything. 

____

She kisses the blonde passionately, her hands don’t dare to roam —too afraid Clarke might still run. Instead her hands claim and hold the woman tight against her. Clarke’s mouth moves from her mouth over to her neck and grinds against her, urging her on. 

____

Their kisses deepened and Lexa is melting beneath her woman. _God_ , she wants her, she wants Clarke so fucking much that she can’t think. She can’t breathe. She kisses her deeply, their tongues swirling in a death match.

____

“Lex,” Clarke whispers hoarsely, as they rocked together. 

____

And from this point forward, _‘Lex’_ is her new favorite nickname. The raspy sound of Clarke’s voice encouraging her excited veins. 

____

She gently held the woman and rolled her over so she was now on top. Their lips meet in the middle, her hands went straight down to Clarke’s hips, easing them under her blouse and waistband of her jeans. She hears the blonde gasp into her mouth as her hand skimmed over velvet skin.

____

Clarke is kissing her like she was the last drop of water in the desert. Lexa’s heart is hammering in her chest, her pulse pounding in her ears as she savors the feeling of her hands upon silken skin, and committing the feeling to memory so that if this moment was all she would ever have, she would be able to remember it forever. 

____

She waited until the blonde’s eyes met hers before she could continue, she’d stop if Clarke told her to. It might take all of her willpower to and a cold shower to cool off but she would stop. Of course she would. She loves the woman and she would do anything for Clarke. 

____

Her hands started roaming under Clarke’s blouse, caressing her skin as she kisses the dip above the blonde’s collarbone then dragged her tongue to her pulse point. _Fuck the candles, fuck the flowers, fuck satin, music and all that shit....._ She already has everything she could ever need right in her arms. She’s gonna make Clarke hers tonight. 

____

Holding Clarke’s gaze, her hands inched upwards, stopping right away when she heard Clarke’s voice seconds before she felt the elastic band of the woman’s bra... ...

____

“Wait....” the blonde gasped inaudibly… "Wait, wait…" she repeated, with just enough sound to get her attention.

____

She backed away slightly to look up at the blonde, and Clarke leaned forward gripping her shoulders, gesturing for her to move. She didn’t. Instead, she forced the blonde to lay back, settling her full weight on top of her and buried her face in the crook of the woman’s neck. She stayed there, breathing in the scent of Clarke’s skin, holding the woman tight, fighting to regain control. 

____

__“You okay?” Clarke asked huskily, still gasping for air._ _

__

____

__

__Her eyes fluttering shut. “Are you?” She uttered breathlessly and pressed her nose into the hollow at the base of Clarke’s neck._ _

__

____

__

__“We can’t....” Clarke whispers into her ear, hot breath coating her skin. “We need to stop.”_ _

__

____

__

__“If that’s what you want.” She says, and moved to kiss Clarke’s lips.__

_____ _

_What did I ever do to you to deserve this kind of sick torture?_ She asked the Universe and all the Gods. 

______ _ _

“I’m sorry…" Clarke apologized, smiling shyly…

______ _ _

She leaned down and kissed Clarke’s lips again. Both allowed themselves a moment to catch their breaths as they pressed their foreheads together with their eyes closed. 

______ _ _

Moments later, Lexa shifted herself to the side of the blonde and propped herself up on her elbow, supporting her head with her hand. She inhaled sharply at the unexpected lack of contact and laid still, letting her consciousness catch up with her body. 

______ _ _

____

______ _ _

__Seconds later she turns to look down at the blonde. Clarke then turns sideways and pecked her lips. Lexa swallows thickly as the blonde’s eyes are crinkling attractively with slight amusement, making her feel somehow self-conscious._ _

______ _ _

Her insecurity is so overwhelming right this moment, that she can’t help but wonder if her ‘uncontrollable horniness’ is part of Clarke’s amusement right now. She’s always been so good at controlling her desires. But having the blonde underneath her, it strikes her with the wildest arousal that springs from the foundations of her sexual being. _Goddamnit!_

______ _ _

__She clears her throat. “Do you need anything? Tea..” She managed to say. _Dumbass, Clarke doesn’t drink tea._ _ _

______ _ _

____

______ _ _

__“I’m fine. Thanks.” The blonde whispers against her cheek then trails light kisses across her jaw. “ _Do you_ need anything?”_ _

______ _ _

_Now_ , she thinks Clarke must be fucking with her. Because yes, _I need you._ The rush of Clarke’s breath over her skin brought goose bumps to her spine. She felt helpless now; her muscles seemed to have turned to jelly, making her attempts to sit up futile. 

______ _ _

____

______ _ _

__“No. I’m...” her words drifted when Clarke’s thumb drifts across her lower lip and profiles her. Without a second thought, she leaned into the woman again and pecked her lips. “I’m good.” She assured, avoiding eye contact._ _

______ _ _

There are times when Lexa is amazed by Clarke’s emotions —how easily they can change like a flip of a switch. One moment the woman is holding her close, moaning and squirming under her and reassuring her that she loves her. And the next she is just there......as if nothing happened. 

______ _ _

______ _ _

__

______ _ _

____

______ _ _

__*_ _

______ _ _

__Clarke hears the brunette sigh, and a part of herself berates for knowing the girl too damn well, because she knows what that sigh meant. Lexa in this moment is more than disappointed. Lexa is frustrated with her. Once again and fucking rightfully so.__

________ _ _ _ _

Yes. She loves Lexa. Yes. She wants Lexa. But having sex right now would only complicate things more. Just because she gave in on one impulse doesn't mean she has to indulge them all. At least not yet. Admitting to Lexa her true feelings would make her loose all control. She couldn’t loose that. Not yet. It is what’s keeping them together. Keeping them safe. 

________ _ _ _ _

__She already knows she’ll never be able to reciprocate her feelings —at least not the way the brunette deserves; at least not until she’s her student. Or maybe, ever. But they’re both too damn stubborn to let each other go._ _

________ _ _ _ _

____

________ _ _ _ _

__Sitting up using her elbows, she leans in to kiss Lexa’s lips softly, trying her best to convey in no words how deeply sorry she is. But eventually, Lexa pulls away, and with one last smile that doesn’t reach those gorgeous green eyes, the brunette frees her body from her weight and proceeds to sit up._ _

________ _ _ _ _

For the second time tonight, Lexa has pulled away from her and that slams into her heart like a giant fist. 

________ _ _ _ _

__"We've been in here too long." Lexa tells her, and her voice wavers.__

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

__A fresh wave of hurt hits Clarke. _I'm sorry._ She wants to say. But instead she clears her throat to help the words come out. "We have." She rasped. It was all she could say. _Lexa is hurting. Stop now.__ _

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

__She’d trusted before, given her heart once. She had vowed to never give it again for the same reason. _It hurts_. Too fucking much. More than words could ever say. She stuffed her pain into some distant corner of her heart. This was not about her. This time she was the fundamental cause of someone else’s pain. They’re both not strong enough to continue. _ _

________//_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes. They are. Patience.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Clarke.........

//

In Lexa’s own heart this forbidden ‘relationship’ seems to be the most natural wonderful thing. She saw the woman once and fell in love. It was love at first sight. And, IF, there is a better feeling than love, she has not yet felt it. But the heartache she feels in this moment for always having to keep her emotions in check can sometimes be just a little bit too much even on the best of days. 

Like the day before and today.

She sits perfectly still in silence. Too afraid to even speak. Clarke stands just a few feet away from her, her face impassive, and pretty blues stare with a dead-on assessment.

_To reach the deep end, you must first travel through the shallow end._ Her heart still pleads. 

She sighed at her own pathetic young heart. It’s always her heart, it is the one that got her here in the first place.

Clarke takes the necessary steps forward leaving her hiding-place and knelt down in front of her. The blonde’s hand reach out and clasp hers, urging her eyes to her own and strokes her thumb soothingly across the back of her knuckles. 

Just giving her a silent acknowledgement that her sorrow is shared. She lowers gaze before there is a possibility to break.

“I’m sorry.” Said Clarke in a voice scarcely above a whisper then lifted her hand to her lips and placed a soft kiss on her hand.

The blonde’s gesture, drags her gaze back to her eyes. They were a deep blue of seas. Clarke’s expression had said it all. 

“I should go.” The woman tells her.

Lexa looked up as Clarke rose to her feet and circled her arms slowly around the woman’s waist, caging her in. 

She then, buried her face in Clarke’s stomach and held her tightly within her embrace.

“Don’t. Please.” She begged lifting her eyes to meet Clarke’s blues. “Stay.” She whispered, pleading with her eyes trying to force the words out past the lump in her throat.

The blonde cradled her head in both hands and the pads of her finger drifted over her eyebrows, across her cheekbones and all the way down to her lips. 

The gentle touch took Lexa somewhere else, a place she’s never been before, sending chills through her body. It was bitter yet sweet. 

“Kiss me.” She pleads.

Although no words came out from Clarke’s lips, the look in the woman’s eyes as she silently meet her gaze was one of pure mutiny. Nonetheless, she remains stubbornly still. 

“I. Said. Kiss. Me.” She repeats. 

Still. Nothing.

_I am at your fucking mercy Clarke. Just fucking kiss me._

When she was on the verge of shouting it, the blonde lowered her head. Yet, the woman ignored her plea. Instead, leaned in, knee falls into her lap nearly straddling her thigh. Then starts trailing a sensual path down her neck and further, lavishing so much attention on one special spot —it has come to be _Clarke’s_ special spot for the last few weeks; making her gasp when she gently sank her teeth into her flesh; not hard enough to draw blood, but hard enough that it would surely leave a mark there for quite some time.

Lexa’s breath escapes in a husky moan at the contact. She tugs, gentle but insistent as Clarke plants tiny kisses along her neck, stopping to nibble on the delicate lobe of her ear.

"I crave you..." Clarke breathes the words slowly into her ear. “..every single day...”

At the woman’s confession her breath caught in her chest, electricity crawled over her skin in tiny little sparks. _Fuck!_ She has never been so hot, so wet and fucking turned on as right now.

“You’re perfect, Lexa.” Clarke went on; “But I can’t.” She says nuzzling her face in the crook of her neck. "I am so sorry.”

Lexa’s eyes closed and shook her head. “It’s all right...” she said. Her voice was gentle and soft. “We don’t have to do anything tonight.”

Clarke pulled back and a light smile touched the corners of her soft mouth giving her heart just a little burst of life and joy. 

“We can wait.” She says.

Suddenly, that pretty smile turned into a full frown, Clarke shook her head closing her pretty blues. Out of fear her arms went around the woman, hugging her tight. 

“I’m turning eighteen in a few days baby.” She says, soothingly. “I’m graduating in less than two months and then we—”

“What?” The blonde pulls back again, lips parted, and eyes widened incredibly. 

Moments later the blonde’s face filled with some sort of dawning realization. 

“What did you say?” Clarke muttered after finally getting out of the trance that her confession had put her on. 

The woman looked as if she couldn't believe what she had said and needed to hear it again. Lexa paused and sat there idly as Clarke’s eyes are intently on her, searching for something.

“You are NOT graduating early, Lexa.” 

“Yes I am.” She informed, tried to keep her voice steady. 

“You’ve worked so hard all these years to be Valedictorian—”

“Plans changed.”

“They shouldn’t have! It’s all you ever wanted, to prove yourself to everyone and your father. You’re still young and you don’t know—” 

“It is done!” She shouted back at the woman, her voice shaking with a mixture of fear and anger. 

Clarke still considers her to be a child, as if she cannot make decisions for herself, despite her proven maturity. Everyone having expectations about her, expectations she was never sure she would be able to fulfill. 

“What are you going to do after you graduate? Have you applied for colleges yet? Have you gotten accepted at NYU?”

“I’m taking some time off—” she tries to explain.

“And do what exactly!?” Clarke narrowed her eyes at her.

Her pulse began to race as she tries to explain once again. “I’m staying here and taking over the comp—”

“Are you doing this because of me?” 

“NO CLARKE!” She exclaims, “I—” Her mouth opened but she had no idea what she should say, so she closed it again. “I had...” She tried again but couldn't think of anything else....afraid to say too many of the wrong words that would only push the woman further away. She had already said enough. 

“Fuck!” The blonde removes herself off her lap quite abruptly, and sat beside her, hands covering her face. “Raven was right...”

Lexa quickly moves and squatted in front of Clarke. “Fuck Raven!” She shouted, irritated at last. 

“I did this...” The blonde says silently and let out a small sob.

She uncovered Clarke’s face, which she had buried in her hands again and saw tears flowed from her blue eyes and her heart lurches at the sight.

“No,” she leaned to embrace the woman, “Clarke, I made the decision way before —”

"No, you didn’t.” Clarke laughed without humor, “A pretty lie though." The blonde says, trying to free herself from her embrace. 

The accusation hits her in her gut, but Lexa ignores it instead she held the woman’s wrist tighter trying to pull her back into her arms. But the blonde fought her.

“Let go of me!" Clarke shakes her head frantically and Lexa releases her quickly, too afraid she might be hurting her. “This shouldn't have happened. I can't.." Clarke said removing herself from her grip and sprang to her feet.

"Clarke. You need to listen to me," she follows the blonde. “Please!”

"You're seventeen! You don’t know what you want.” Clarke’s voice escalates with each word.

Another painful blow as if it were physical punches. Her temper flashes hot this time and ran a hand through her hair. Desperate. The blonde’s words infuriating her. 

“Damn it!” The woman starts pacing around the room, shaking her head and taking several steadying breaths. “This was a mistake.” 

She ran to stand in front of Clarke and grabbed her arm forcing her to stop. Lexa then lifted her hand and trailed her fingers down the side of her cheek in an effort to calm her down.

"Will you listen to me, please." She whispers, keeping her voice soft and soothing, like a gentle caress. 

When she had caught Clarke’s gaze, she held it. 

Blue meets Green. 

One beat, two beat......

"I’m in love with you..." she confessed and Clarke closes her eyes as though she couldn't bear to see her. "I'm sorry....I know, it’s not the right time," she gulped down the tears that threatened to escape as she tried to force Clarke to look at her. "I know how hard this is for you, but you don't have to say anything back Baby...because I know. " She tells the woman. 

_God,_ she knows. The evidence is right in front of her own eyes. Clarke is looking at her with parted lips, breath hitched. Just a look into those ocean blues and they're telling her everything —confessing her love towards her. Clarke loves her just the same. 

"Stop it." Clarke said in a broken, uneven voice; trying to remove herself from her embrace. 

“The decision was made way before you and I —you didn’t do anything wrong...” Her arms clinging. 

"I love you, Clarke." She breathes against Clarke’s lips and she wishes she could shout it out because it feels so fucking good to finally say it out loud. To herself and Clarke. “Please—” _Please Let it be enough._

"Just stop it!” The blonde shouts again, this time making her flinched. 

The light smile that had made her lips flickered and went out as she continues to listen to Clarke. 

“I—...you....” Clarke’s voice falters; “everything I.......have _ruined_ everything...I worked so hard for...and I-I’m still fucking up, mistake after mistakes...." The blonde broke into low shuddering sobs and tears.

Lexa looked on, too dazed to understand the meaning of what was happening. But the words echoed in her head in slow motion as her heart shatters inside. A chill numbness crept over her, almost stopping her breathing. Her eyes probably showed her hurt, questioning what she had done wrong, _where did everything go wrong?_ But she did not dared speak. 

The look in Clarke’s eyes told Lexa the next thing out of the her mouth would be life changing. 

"I can't do this anymore." Clarke said barely above a whisper; her heart in her blue eyes, somehow both heavy and light. 

And with tears streaming down her beautiful face, the blonde turned around and walked away without looking back. 

Lexa stared after her, long after the blonde had disappeared. She felt numb, lost. The tears are stuck, and they strangle her. She stood there, staring. Her eyes full of pain and sorrow, but feeling nothing. The sudden silence shattered and the voices echoed in her brain, like splintered ice. 

How did we get here?

———

_"Good morning" a sugary voice —No. The most beautiful voice came from behind._

__

_"I'm Cl-Clarke Griffin" The blonde introduces herself through those sugar candy-sweet lips and goes for a handshake; her elegant personality, all mesmerized Lexa even more -she was already lost in the ocean blue eyes. In fact, she was **drowning** in those blues._

__

———

There. 

__

That’s when it should’ve clicked. _.....she was drowning in those blues_. That should’ve been her queue to walk away.

__

———

_"Alexandria Woods, pleasure to meet you Clarke"_

_...."Social studies, WOW" the blonde said breaking 'their moment' pointing at the name tag under each cubbyhole —which reads 'A.Woods-Social Studies'._

———

____

It was at that moment, when fate was granting her a second chance and she failed to take it. 

She should’ve corrected the blonde teacher. Something so simple could’ve avoided so much. 

_____ _

She wonders —perhaps, it could’ve been avoided way before their encounter. If only she would’ve told her bitch cousin to pick up her own goddamn mail that day. 

_____ _

She chuckles to herself. _Simple. So fucking simple._

_____ _

Meanwhile, all these thoughts were chasing one another through her mind she feels a hand wrapped around her wrist and flinched.

_____ _

‘Lexa!’

_____ _

A voice calls as she returns slowly to consciousness. 

_____ _

It’s Anya.

_____ _

“What did you do?” Raven shouts from across the room.

_____ _

"What happened? We heard yelling and just saw Clarke run out of here crying. What the hell did you do?" Her cousin demands answers.

Answers she can’t give. 

She turned to meet her cousin's stare. _What I did? All I did was love._

_____ _

Numb. 

_____ _

Numbness. How long had she been standing there? Were they shouting? _Must’ve been loud enough to bring both women down here._

_____ _

Anya shakes her a little bringing her back from her thoughts again.

_____ _

“Uh.” She paused and swallowed. “I-I, Uh, I asked her to help me on an assignment and....you know me.” She says, the words were preceded by a short scoffing laugh. “I said something that must’ve hit close to home. People are too fucking sensitive sometimes.” She shrugs it off, like the asshole she once was.

_____ _

“You fucking asshole.” Anya squints her eyes and wishes her dead.

_____ _

_Yep. Blame it on me._ That’s the exact reaction she wanted.

_____ _

“I’m going after her.” Raven says flashing a glare at her, pointedly.

_____ _

“You asshole, Clarke is my friend. I swear to God, Monday morning, you better fucking apologize or—”

_____ _

“Or what?” She challenges her cousin’s glare. _Because why the fuck not?_ maybe Anya will punch her and then she’ll feel something.

_____ _

Anya scoffed under her breath and shook her head. “And to think that you had actually changed....You’re still the same arrogant little piece of shit, Lexa.” Her cousin said and steps back to walk out of the room leaving her alone.

_____ _

_Arrogant little piece of shit._ **That** was exactly what was keeping her safe. But she didn’t listen. She should’ve listened.

_____ _

That night she went to bed. She didn’t sleep. Nor the following night. She must have tried closing her eyes a hundred times, with the purpose of shutting out her thoughts and her confusion. 

_____ _

She thinks about how sad Clarke’s eyes looked. She finds herself imagining alternate versions of how confessing her love should’ve gone or what she could’ve done better. Tears of frustration cloud her vision. 

_____ _

She tortures herself with repeating the things Clarke said and the things she didn’t get to say. Just forcing herself to remember even the smallest details over and over and over......

_____ _

\-------------------

_____ _

_____ _

_“....There is always a point where the road forks, each person takes a different direction thinking that in the end the roads will reunite. From your path you see the other person shrinking. It’s okay. We were made for each other. She’ll be there in the end. But in the end only one thing happens. The fucking winter arrives......."_

_____ _

_____ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not what you expected? I know. :( Step Deux coming....


	27. Author’s Note

 

**Dear Readers!! Hi. Hi. Hello!**

My apologies for making you believe this was a new chapter update./p>

**It’s not. :(**

I’ve been getting soooo many hateful comments about me condoning child abuse and threats of reporting my story so it can be taken down. 

I added the following disclaimer recently. Since, I failed to do it at the beginning of the story. (I know! I should’ve!) But for those who are up to date with the chapters. You know this is not what my story is about. _In fact_ , I think some of you have lost some patience on Clarke for not giving in. Lol :o) Up to this point I think I’ve stressed enough about the consequences from Clarke’s POV.

************************************

 **I am making it very clear right now, before you start reading my story, that I do not condone or encourage pupil/teacher relationships.**

 **This is my imagination at work. And if you give the story a chance, you will see. The story starts, but it does not end between student/teacher. Tags:Time skips. Student/Teacher relationship is just a plot-‘forbidden/unrequited love’ and not a celebration of the subject matter.**

 **This is a work of fiction. This story and characters are fictitious.**

 **Fanfiction is just for entertainment. Got it? So, please refrain from pouring comments about me condoning abuse. I do not make money out of it, I do it just for fun On my spare time.**

 **If this is not your thing, please do not read. I write fanfiction, and I think it's great fun, and writing this story so far has been so much fun.**

 **Please note the **'Mature'** rating on this story as well. It does contain explicit sexual content between two women. (And if you have a problem with that too, then you are on the wrong fandom. Please find your way home.)**

 ************************************

 **Next chapter will be up soon.**

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

**Clexa Forever**

xx -LC  
 

 


	28. Closure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! 
> 
> I’m back! 
> 
> Apologies for the delay in responding, just needed some time to rewire my brain. 
> 
> So here is what happened.
> 
> I was actually caught up and back on schedule with the chapters. So, after I posted Chapter 26, decided to go back and answer some of the comments because I know I haven’t been able to (sorry) but time has been flying lately. 
> 
> I love reading all of your comments, they are so much fun. I appreciate feedback, positive and negative. All the criticism towards **my writing and story** is more than welcome, I take it pretty well. I do! Believe it or not, makes me a better writer. Although, writing for me it’s just a hobby, something I like to do on my spare time. It’s not something I want to pursue, not now or in the future. I love what I do. 
> 
> Anyways, moving on.......
> 
> Obviously, I had some harsh comments before about the whole, ewww Lexa is underage, Clarke is a pedo. that’s disgusting, blah blah blah. I have ignored them and delete all those type of comments as soon as they post. 
> 
> Most of those comments posts on Chapter 1 or 2. Obviously these people do not give the story a chance. 
> 
> But there was one that I received recently, it hit me pretty hard, it judge me as a person for writing a story and it kinda got me thinking.
> 
> This is the part where it got me:
> 
>  
> 
> _.......You're not better than the Kevin Spaceys, Woody Allens, Mark Sallings of the world, as all the people writing and promoting this garbage in the high school teacher/student tag. You are all not only creating an online space for predators to groom minors, but you're teaching young women that if an adult is sexualizing them it's romantic. I wish you all left this fandom with your pedo loving stories._  
> 
> 
> So, that was the reason why I felt the need to explain and post that disclaimer to you guys. Because I, as an adult in no way want to entertain nor create a space for predators, child abuse. That’s disgusting.
> 
> I have always love the forbidden/unrequited plot-lines. So, when I thought about writing under the student/teacher tag for Clexa I didn’t give much thought about people being so sensitive towards the subject, because it’s _fucking fanfiction._ It is why there are tags. You don’t like something don’t open it and read it. Simple. 
> 
> I know some of you were afraid I was not gonna continue. Oh No! Trust me I will. I worked too hard on the next 5 chapters I have written to let them go to waste. Lol I am not making any changes to the story. The story continues.
> 
> I just needed to let y’all know, in case one day someone succeeds on taking the story down.
> 
> So, to clear all confusion and move past this mess, I am rewarding you with another chapter today. 
> 
> Painful.
> 
> Three Steps Above Heaven. Step Deux.
> 
> Enjoy.............

//

The hardest part about this ending is knowing there wasn’t truly a beginning in the first place. 

She was so emotionally invested in Clarke, holding onto hope that one day it will be something. 

Suddenly, she was hit with a cold reality that _‘this thing’_ she was so emotionally invested in —it has come to a dead end. 

One moment she was tasting Clarke’s soft lips, and the next the illusion of happiness is been shattered. 

Timing seems to be the invariable third party in all this. This was over far too soon. She demanded time, more time. 

Monday came and she still had not talked to Clarke since Saturday, and she needed answers. Deserved answers. 

Immediately. 

Her heart racing as fast as her mind before she reaches the doorknob to the art classroom. And as she enters, she gives the room a careful inspection. 

She spots the teacher sitting with a palette in one hand and paintbrush on the other, gently applying paint to a canvas.

The quietness around is deep and palpable. The blonde’s concentration giving her a calming feeling just drawing her into it. 

As she steps closer, Clarke’s strokes become rapid and faster, just moving the colors.

“Clarke.” She calls gently making the blonde stop.

Lexa’s heart pounded furiously against her ribs as she waited for Clarke’s response. 

But there was nothing.

She hears the woman exhale softly and even though she can’t see her face, she knows that her lips are turned into a full lipped frown, and eyes closed by the way her shoulders dropped down.

Lexa walks slowly to stand just a few feet away now facing the teacher.

Clarke then gave a heavy sigh as she sets the paintbrush and palette down. 

“What do you want Lexa?” The teacher asked, her voice was soft and gentle.

Lexa’s chest caves. 

At this point the only thing she knows for certain is that she doesn’t want to walk away without having a chance to fully express her feelings.

“We need to talk.” She says softly. At that, the blonde looked up to her. 

Lexa winced upon seeing the blonde’s expression —so pained, wavy blonde hair wrapped in a lazy bun, light makeup making the dark circles under her radiant skin more obvious and pretty eyes full of sorrow, such sorrow that went deep in those ocean-blue depths she adores. 

She wanted so much to reach for her and hold her close. But she didn’t know what to do or what to say anymore. 

She hates the situation and she hates herself in this moment for being part of Clarke’s pain. She should’ve known better than to move too close to the teacher; maybe if she wouldn’t have been so persistent, it would’ve kept them both safe. 

_My God_ she would’ve done anything from keeping Clarke from hurting like this. It pains her to see Clarke hurt this way. She, being the cause of it. 

She wonders in this moment if maybe it’s a lot easier to be on her side of things, and not Clarke’s because maybe her pain is nothing compared to Clarke’s.

What Clarke needed was someone to love her, someone to care for her, someone to erase the pain and scars. Not cause more scars and bruise her delicate heart.

But even though she feels like she is drowning, life is not over. Not if she keeps her nose above the surface. Because IF there is still a chance she is more than willing to love the woman every second of her life, above all things. 

“I’d probably make some mistakes, but I would never hurt you intentionally.” She starts to say, laying it all there. “I would never hurt you the way _she_ did. This right here, it feels right.” She says and her words hold everything she has to give and if it’s still not good enough then she is lost. 

It feels right, Clarke is ‘the one.’ The one who makes her change, the one who makes her want be a better person, the one who makes her leave everything behind. She wants to walk into that hazy, unknown future without a glance back as long as Clarke is by her side.

“I’ve heard people say love makes you do stupid things. Well, it’s true. I stupidly smile every time I see you. I smile like an idiot when I think about you. _You_ make everything better...”

Clarke closed her eyes upon hearing her words.

“When you meet the right person, all the plans you originally had can be thrown away for better ones. Yes, I changed my plans, but not for you. I did it for me because, I know my future isn’t going to be half as incredible as the life I could have by your side.”

The blonde is appraising her as if she can’t decide what a fool she is or just feel pity for her —and all Lexa wants to do is reach out and kiss her. 

Clarke chuckles weakly. “You’re still my student—”

“But for you, I will wait if you wait..” she whispered.

“Don’t.” Clarke shook her head. “Please don’t.” Her voice rasped in her throat. “I made a mistake. This was a mistake. What _I did _was wrong—”__

__“We,” she corrected her; adding simply, “What we both did.”_ _

__With a shake of her head, Clarke stood. “I took an oath and I have abused that power. I indulged in this...” there is a small pause, “and-and in the process I’ve hurt you.”_ _

__Lexa closed her eyes, tilting her head and prayed for patience._ _

__“If I could take it back.....”_ _

__She met Clarke’s eyes and listened intently, while her heart throbbed so heavily in her chest at the blonde’s next words._ _

__“I would. But I can’t. What is done is done—” Tears choked the blonde and said nothing more._ _

__She is at lost._ _

__In every sense of the word. And there is no going back._ _

__She notices a faint sign of remorse for her words on the blonde's eyes, but it was too late because the damage was already done._ _

__“I’m sorry.” Clarke’s words comes out as a whisper that she barely catches it._ _

__Lexa felt a pain in her chest, she didn't trust herself to speak, only nodded._ _

__Clarke moves closer to her, in increments, leaning in until her body pressed to hers. The woman’s lips brushed over her cheek, placing a feather light kiss to the corner of her mouth._ _

__Lexa shifted slightly, not away, just enough not to loose her senses in the closeness of Clarke’s scent. She then met Clarke’s gaze, and hooded blues held hers gravely._ _

__She couldn’t help but trace her finger over Clarke’s lips slowly, just to feel them at least one last time._ _

__Swiping the tears from the blonde’s cheeks and chin, she gives the woman a long look, then a short firm nod._ _

_I understand._

__“You are sweet...” Clarke speaks again. It was just a whisper. “..kind....patient and—”_ _

__“Clarke,” she stops the blonde, it’s too much and she is not sure her heart is strong enough to handle it. She gulped back down her tears._ _

__Her heart needed to accept that it was over and just let it go. Clarke’s words would only slow the process. Because it would be so easy to refuse._ _

__She leaned towards the woman and pressed her lips against Clarke’s forehead in the gentlest of kisses. And her lips linger, without touching._ _

__“I had to stop you right there.” She says, her lips twitched. “Because I’m sexy, strong, fine as hell...” She teased weakly, and places another kiss to Clarke’s forehead then move even further back._ _

_Unflinching bravery_ , she didn’t know she possessed. 

At her words Clarke’s brilliant blue eyes gleam like jewels, and her pink lips twitched into the faint half-smile she has come to know. And come to love. _This was better. Not with tears._

__A soft knock on the closed door interrupted their tender moment, quickly separating them farther away._ _

__Before Clarke could deny entry, the door was slowly opening._ _

__"Miss Griffin?"_ _

__Called a well known voice behind the door._ _

_Indra._

__For one brief moment their eyes met, Lexa looked into the large blue eyes staring unblinkingly up at her, if she was pale, Clarke was ghostly._ _

__Instinct told her to run and hide. So, she squashed the spurt of fear to steady her breathing as she hid under Clarke's desk._ _

_Fuck._ What reason could she possibly give her principal for being there without raising any suspicions; she is skipping class and Indra knows her all too well. 

__

__*_ _

__

__Indra continued to approach her, and Clarke suddenly found herself frozen where she stood, paralyzed with fear, her heart pounding, feeling unsteady, racing thoughts running in her mind and for some reason she does not move, _No_ , she can't move. _ _

__"Clarke are you all right?" Indra places a hand to her shoulder and she makes herself snap out of it._ _

__“Ummm.” She runs a hand over her head. “Yeah. I’m fine....I’m sorry. I-I just haven’t been feeling well lately.”_ _

__“Oh. Then you should go home Clarke. You don’t look too well.” The woman says and stands directly over her, looking into her eyes._ _

__“No. That’s all right.” She says, shifting uncomfortably on her feet. “I don’t have a class until 45 minutes. I’ll be fine.”_ _

__“You look like you’ve been crying Clarke. Take the day off, tomorrow even.” A smile graces the woman’s lips. “You more than deserve it.”_ _

__“I’ll consider it.” She smiled faintly and waited, her blue eyes shifting nervously as the woman just stared at her for a moment. It’s long and suffocating._ _

__“You are as stubborn as your mother Clarke.” Indra chuckles and she gives the woman a genuine smile this time. “How is Abby doing by the way?”_ _

__“Well, you know,” she said nervously, without a glance upward. “Dr. Griffin continues saving lives.” She shrugged.__

____

Then the two stared at each other in a painful silence.

____

__“You needed something?” She asked, as the silence began to feel awkward. Not that she minded Indra’s company and the small talk, but every second that passes by it’s a risk of Lexa being found under her desk._  
_

__“Oh! Yeah, well I came to give you great news!!” Indra said quickly and when Clarke looked at the woman, the principal’s smile was even brighter than a minute ago. “Maybe this will cheer you up!! So!!” The woman says then claps her hands together and the sound startles her. Making her jump a little._ _

__Indra falls silent, and stares. As she chastised herself, she hears Indra laugh. And she joins her. She is chuckling nervously.__

____

____

__”This must be some great news.” She says jokingly. Because it’s been a while since she’s seen Indra this excited. Maybe ever._ _

__“Oh. Yes.” Indra’s smile is bright. “We got a response back for your proposal for the Art program. It was approved!”_ _

__“What?” She asked, her smile big and wide, elated as Indra went to hug her tight._ _

”Are you sure?”

__Indra nodded. “Mm—hmm.” The woman walks over to look at some of her paintings. “And! _You_ already have a few sponsors too. They are granting Twenty five thousand dollars towards the program in which they want _you_ to lead.”_ _

__“That’s incredible.” she says with a look of disbelief. Hard work, discipline, dedication and a lot of patience is finally paying off._ _

__“It really is.” said Indra, then moved wandering over some paintings that were closer to her desk. “I have all the paperwork in my office, I haven’t gotten through all of them yet, but I wanted to give you the news.”_ _

__Indra had not been inside the classroom before, so she had not gotten a chance to look around. The woman’s eyes flitted from painting to painting, her feet taking her around, each step closer and closer to Lexa. Clarke’s heart pounded so hard she felt her pulse in her ears. A mix of excitement, stress, worry, anxiety and fear all together._ _

__“Indra!” She calls, and the principal turns around a little startled. “The students will be so excited once they hear the news. Can I tell them?”_ _

__“Yes. Of course.” Said Indra, moving towards her. “I’ll send you a copy.”_ _

__She smiled and nodded._ _

__“Congratulations Clarke.” Indra said, with a sincere smile. “You should be very proud of yourself. Your hard work is surely paying off. The students speak highly of you, your dedication towards them is beyond and I am very proud of your accomplishments this year, both, on and off school.” Indra squeezed her right shoulder and moved towards the door._ _

__She swallowed hard for self-control and closed her eyes. Indra’s words crushes her in the most vulnerable way. That is almost too much for her to take. She was awash with guilt and fear, for the briefest of seconds she felt the fear of loosing it all._ _

__Slowly Lexa peeked from beneath the desk to make sure Indra was gone. The brunette came out from under and stood wondering what she should do._ _

__They stood in heavy silence._ _

__A tightness settled over Clarke's chest, making it harder to breathe. Anxiety riddled her brain, telling her what a terrible mistake she had made, but there was still time._ _

__

__*_ _

__

__For Lexa it only took a second, one glance at Clarke's face to see the heavy guilt in those ocean blue eyes and it was as if an instinct she stepped closer._ _

__Stopping in front of the blonde, she tries to keep her breathing calm despite the way her heart was pounding. She stares at the blonde for a moment, Clarke’s face showed no emotion but her eyes were hostile, icy cold blues._ _

__“Get out.” The blonde said and her voice was harsh._ _

__The words hurt as much as a physical blow. In her mind, Lexa knew Clarke had shut down and that nothing she would say now would get through her. Not even through her heart._ _

__She lowered her gaze and clenched her jaw to stop her tears from coming. She walks off without another glance, unsteady legs make it to the door and with shaky hands she reaches the doorknob._ _

__Holding her head high, she made it to her car. As soon as she is concealed inside, her eyes filled with tears wanting to stain her cheeks. Clutching the steering wheel she still tries to hold them back. Water pooling in her eyes, blurring her vision as she takes huge gulps of air._ _

_Clarke won’t be here this time. Not like the last time she had cried. It is over._

__The thoughts slicing through her still ever beating heart. And the tears mercilessly flowed down her cheeks._ _

__//_ _


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading. Hope you all enjoy and if you do kudos/comments are appreciated as always. :-)

//

Five days.

It had been five days since she had told Clarke she loved her. Three days since they last spoke and saw each other. And nothing burns more at this moment than not been able kiss, touch and talk to the woman. 

Not even the dry frost air that blows outside on this cold Thanksgiving Day. 

“Fucking cold outside.” Raven tells her as she comes inside the kitchen, she was trying to make conversation; that was all.

Lexa looked up but didn’t answer. She goes back to stare at her phone instead. 

For the past 15 minutes she has sat on the barstool as her cousin and Raven decide between fight or flight. 

Today is the big day —they’ll fly to California and _oh boy_ is she glad!

She’ll get to spend Thanksgiving day and her birthday by herself. _Now_ , that is something to be thankful for today. Best gift she’s ever gotten. Because what more could a girl with a broken heart want than to be left alone and just ride that emotional roller coaster without the pity of others. 

She’ll start by downloading a ‘breakup’ album, sing the lyrics out loud to the saddest song. Then curl herself in a fetus position; as she feels that pain. 

Cry herself to sleep, cry some more, and cry until her eyes physically cannot produce any more tears. 

_Yeah. Sad._

“Cali here we come!” Raven exclaims excitedly.

Lexa winced. 

_Raven. Sooo. Loud._

She likes Raven. She really did, at one point. But the Latina right now, reminds her of blonde hair and blue eyes and having the woman around the past few days has made it more difficult, Raven’s presence —it’s exhausting. 

And it has only been five fucking days.

Lexa ran a frustrated hand over her face and tried to get a handle on her temper. Frustration and desperation. 

_Only. Five. Fucking. Days._

The pain, it’s suffocating. Suffocating to the point that she is barely breathing. But her heart is still beating; slow, but still beating. She’ll get through it. Of course she will.

“Ready?” Her cousin asked. 

She glanced up from her phone and nodded. _Finally._

“Aw, damn..” Raven muttered, hitting her forehead with her hand just before she was ready to stand up.

“What is it now Raven?” Asked Anya and goes to stand in front of her girlfriend.

“Babe, I forgot to take the box to Clarke with the paintings.”

 _Clarke._ She sighed painfully.

“It’s too late now, Rae. We won’t make it on time if we drive all the way to Arkadia.” Said Anya grabbing the keys from the bowl on the table. “Lex!” Her cousin calls and tosses the keys to her. 

She caught them in one swift motion. Her attention goes back to her phone as she processed the new information. 

_Arkadia_. Clarke lives in Arkadia.

“She needs them today Anya. It’s a gift for Jake. She begged me to take it since she was off these last two days.” Raven informed.

“Ask her to come and get them. Lexa will be here.” Anya suggested.

At the mention of her name green eyes snapped up.

“Of course! Lexa can take it to her, on your way back from the airport.” Raven looks her way with a satisfied smile. “I’ll text you the address.” 

“Good. It’s settled then. Now can we please go. Our flight leaves in less than an hour.” Anya said, grabbing one of Raven's bags, but not before pointing a finger at her. “Lexa, don’t you dare do anything to my car.” Anya tells her as she walked out of the room towards the front entrance.

Throughout their whole conversation Lexa had stayed silent processing all of it in her mind. But now that she is alone with Raven. She stares at the woman, wanting an explanation. 

Raven stays silent.

“That’s not a good idea Raven.” She says as she comes down from the bar stool. “Ask her to come and get it herself.” She says reluctantly, holding back a frustrated sigh. “I’ll leave it on the front door.”

Suddenly, she hears her phone buzzed. She glanced down and saw the incoming text from the Latina.

“That’s Clarke’s address, the box is already inside the car.” Raven tells her.

Lexa stares at her phone for a long moment before she walks up to Raven.

“Clarke never wanted me to know where she lived. I’m not gonna show up—”

“Relax. I’ll tell her your coming.” Raven says, rolling her eyes.

It makes no difference. The blonde doesn’t want to see her.

Curiosity aroused. Her eyebrows creased. “Why are you doing this?” She asked and stares at the woman with curious, puzzled eyes. Because she is confused and a little curious to know why the sudden change in the Latina. 

“Because...even though you are not exactly what I want for her, you’re good for her Woods. She told me what happened.” The woman continues in a low sincere voice, “I saw you guys in the kitchen that day.” There is a small pause. “It had been a while since I saw my best friend that happy.”

Well, Raven is not telling her something she doesn’t know so she can’t help but ask; “What are you saying?” 

She tilted her head slightly to the side. Wanting to know if maybe Clarke had said something, had reconsidered her decision. 

“That you have my blessing Woods.” 

_Which means, shit. Nothing. Nada._ She never wanted it in the first place. She was never looking for anyone’s acceptance.

“I’m not going.” She says firmly and moves to take an apple from the fruit basket.

“It’s for Jake.” Raven exclaims, making her stop in her tracks.

She turns to look at the woman once again and Raven stares, searching her eyes. 

“Now, if you don’t know who Jake is then forget what I just said. And Uh, don’t bother going, please.” 

She sighs heavily. _Of course,_ She knows who Jake is. _Clarke’s father._

“Take some flowers. Write some poetry. She likes all that kind of romantic shit.” Raven tells her conspiratorially as they begin to walk towards the front entrance. 

_Clarke surely does._

She couldn't hold back the smile even if she wanted to. 

 

//

 

It's not exactly by invitation that she finds herself in front of Clarke’s home — more, by necessity; it’s for Jake, _Clarke’s father._. 

To her surprise, it is not an apartment building as she had imagined the teacher’s home to be and it was definitely not in the main city of Arkadia. 

Clarke’s home; was in fact a townhome in a Luxury apartment community on the outskirts of Arkadia. One car garage and one off street parking space, where a Mercedes-Benz G-class was parked at this very moment.

“For Jake.” She mutters. 

Then chuckles at herself for the sudden obligation she has for the painting to reach the man’s hands when she doesn’t even know Mr. Griffin. 

Although, by the memories the blonde shared —Jake is special. A loving hardworking father who deserves such painting to reach his hands. 

To her misfortune, the only way for this painting to reach Jake, is for her to deliver it to Clarke. So, she obliges without any further delay. 

_Or call it an excuse to see the blonde._ It has been three days since she last saw her.

Her nerves —already on edge, are further stirred by the ridiculous cold outside when she steps out of Anya’s BMW. She rubs her hands together, more as something to occupy her mind than as a genuine attempt to fight the numbness. 

She lifted the heavy box with a grunt from the backseat. 

“Fucking heavy.” She mumbles and wondered what else was inside the box. It was definitely not just paintings as Raven said.

She paused, took a deep breath and moved towards the door of the apartment and with some difficulty, she held the box in her arms and rang the doorbell. _About Damn time._

She tried to ignored her fears. Her heart thumped in her chest, demanding that she reconsiders. Her head tells her to leave the box by the doorstep and turn around. 

She could feel the internal panic rising as the door swung open.

And there she was. Clarke Griffin.

Clarke’s luscious blonde hair was put up in a bun on top of her head with several locks falling on her face. She was wearing a fluffy white bathrobe, makeup free just showing off her natural beauty.

Clarke looked.....well, she looked as if she had just been woken up. 

Nonetheless, the woman looks beautiful and mesmerizing. 

_Breathtaking._

“Lexa, what are you doing here?” Clarke asked, staring at her, confused by her presence.

 _Fucking great._

Of course, Raven didn’t call or text Clarke.

“Uh, Raven sent me, sh-she said you needed what’s inside the box.....for your father or something like that.” 

_Stupid. So fucking stupid._ She has always considered herself to be a reasonable, wise person most of the time. But this time...reason and wisdom was definitely not at the top of her priority list. 

The fact that she finds herself here standing in front of Clarke’s home is beyond her comprehension at the moment. She decides that things can't possibly get any worse. 

“They didn’t have time to stop by or they would’ve been late for their flight.” She finishes.

Clarke stares blankly. 

_I know. Lame. Lamest excuse._ She is going to kill Raven next time she sees the woman, leaving her bitch cousin a widow. Kill two birds with one stone. _Perfect._

“It’s quite heavy. So, Uh...if you want I can set it by your front door.” She offers awkwardly.

There was a split second's hesitation before the blonde spoke. 

“Yeah. Of course. Sorry. This way.” Clarke says, guiding her inside.

Taking that as an invitation, she stepped into the relative warmth of Clarke’s home. 

“You can set it there,” the blonde said, stepping into the kitchen and pointing over at the island’s counter.

She moved in silence through the house following the blonde and set the box over the countertop.

For a moment they stared at each other in silence. 

Blue meets Green. 

Clarke only spoke when she finally took a step back. 

The blonde gestured towards the box and says; “You....you didn’t have to...” Clarke trails off, and braced against the sink. 

Green meets Blue.

“It’s fine.” She shrugs. “She...uhh, said something about being a gift for your father, so....” she also trails off as her attempt to explain fell flat. 

Because why tell the blonde that she cares, that she loves her and that she is still willing to do anything and everything for her. _Anything_. Even swallow her pride.

Lexa dropped her gaze to the countertop where the box sat. They both stood in silence for barely a second and it was excruciating.

She shifted slightly and cleared her throat. “Well...” she said casting a quick glance over her shoulder around the apartment. 

It was definitely not what she had expected. Clarke’s home was neat, clean, quiet, and uncluttered. Bookshelves full of literature. Everything was organized, and everything had a place. It was most definitely not the typical artist home. 

It’s funny how things work sometimes, now that they’re not together, she’s learned and come to know much more about Clarke than before.

 _What the hell are you waiting for Lexa. Leave now._ Her head shouts.

She finally lifted her gaze to meet blue eyes, they were staring at her. 

“I’m gonna—”

Interrupted by the abrupt opening of a door, her head snapped to it’s direction and out came a man........a man whose face she recognized.

_Bellamy._

He wore nothing but his boxer shorts underneath the pink bathrobe that was draped over him; shaggy messy hair and showcasing his bare muscular chest. 

Smiling charmingly, he walks over to Clarke oblivious to her presence in the house. 

And Lexa doesn’t blame him; Clarke has that effect. The blonde’s presence is just enough to draw you in because Clarke’s beauty glows, her blue eyes are like a deep-deep blue sea, her smile warmths...... _And she is so gay._ Gay for Clarke. 

The blonde’s blues followed him until he stood before her.

“Is this mine?” He gives Clarke the brightest of smiles she’s ever seen in a man. 

He is almost towering _her_ Clarke.

Did she mentioned that things could not possibly get any worse? Well, **Wrong.** They can, _apparently_.

“You can have it.” Clarke replied softly handing him the cup.

Scratch _‘HER’_ , Clarke is no longer _hers_.

“You ready to see Mama G?” Bellamy asked in his chipper voice. 

Clarke gives him a smile and Bellamy leaned down and buries the blonde against his body in a giant bear hug, leaving a soft kiss on Clarke’s temple. 

“Happy Thanksgiving Princess.” He says happily. 

After taking a sip from his coffee, he sets the mug down with a content sigh and his eyes glance around stopping on her.

He stood silent, watching her for a long second, maybe more. The cheerfulness from his face completely gone.

“Oh. Sorry.” Bellamy said clutching on the pink robe tightly, trying to cover his bare chest to preserve his modesty.

 _How modest._ She thought. 

“I didn’t know you had company Clarke.” He smiled charmingly at the blonde, letting out a sheepish chuckle; both hands still grabbing onto _Clarke’s_ pink robe.

It only took a few seconds, as she instantly pieced the story together. _No longer yours._ ; Her mind said.

The look on Clarke tells her that she knew exactly what she was thinking. 

But..... _Was Clarke ever hers_? She asked herself. 

Blue eyes gazed, and they tell her desperately; _‘He’s My friend’_. 

Her green eyes shout; _‘Bullshit Clarke!’_. Lies. _Clarke was never hers_. 

The voices in her head turns up the volume; _What a fucking fool._ **How** could she have _ever_ been _stupid_ enough to think that she had a chance with Clarke. How could she have made such a _fool_ of herself, declaring her unending love. To think that Clarke’s love matched her own. To even entertain the thought that Clarke wanted her in all the ways she wanted her. 

_HOW?_

**_A fool indeed._ **

Unsure, if out of disbelief, numbness or pain, hysterical laughter bubbled up inside her until she heard herself laugh openly. 

Each passing second, Clarke and Bellamy stared at her. Their eyes are looking anywhere but her as if she was crazy. 

And _Oh_ how crazy she is —No; she is not. She’s giving herself a short-term access to that kind of mental illness before she gulps down all the feelings. 

Surprisingly, seconds later Bellamy joins her —tentatively at first. But he joins her. 

_Oh!_ The man also has a good sense of humor. _He’s quite a catch._ she thinks causing her to laugh even more. 

As their laughter subsides, she shook her head and swallows the aftertaste. It’s bitter and it burns as it goes down her throat. 

Clarke’s mouth opens and closes like a fish, a fish lost in the deep blue sea. 

Lexa’s smile returns to her face; brighter this time, more confident. With her head held up high; she says, “Happy Thanksgiving to you both.” Her voice was calm and steady.

Clarke looked steadily at her before she turns to walk out of the apartment.

  
_“..we cannot continue to sit here and create an illusion that will not happen... I am not the woman you need me to be, I am not your dream come true...._

This was reality, not the illusion she had created. 

**_No one_** to blame but herself in this moment. 

___Not even the cold 45 outside could hurt more than this moment right here. Nothing......._ _ _

_Nothing_ has ever hurt quite as exquisitely as loving Clarke. 

___This selfless love. This unconditional love. Forcing her body and mind to become distant._ _ _

Just that word, **_Love_**. 

___So meaningful to her. Yet, so meaningless to Clarke._ _ _

___She made it to Anya’s car and takes a deep breath closing her eyes._ _ _

___There is a sudden tap on the drive’s side window as she puts the key in the ignition. She turns her head and stares at the blonde. She was signaling for her to roll down the window._ _ _

___“Rolled down the window, Lexa!.” The blonde shouts._ _ _

___She doesn’t._ _ _

___The tap then turns into a knock, and the knock gets harder. Ever so slowly she turns to look at the teacher again._ _ _

___“Open it.” The teacher’s command is barely audible._ _ _

___She doesn't open it, refusing to give the woman the satisfaction of immediate obedience._ _ _

_Not anymore._

___Clarke doesn't deserve it. Not her tears, nor her heart._ _ _

___According to that, her only choice is whether to be a kid and run or be a fool to stay._ _ _

___“Open the fucking window.” Clarke shouts, blue eyes flashing with anger and desperation._ _ _

___The patient smile that was spread across Lexa’s face becomes a smirk as she roars the engine and places the car in gear. She drove out into the road, forcing Miss Griffin to step aside._ _ _

___She sped down the street, leaving the teacher standing in the middle of the street. And she realizes something in this moment._ _ _

That _sometimes_........... 

___Even love has it’s limits. It is called dignity._ _ _

___ _

___//_ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep. Lexa’s had enough.


	30. Chapter 30

// 

*

Like the inevitable changing of the seasons, Clarke begins to shiver.

A blast of a horn brings her abruptly back to her senses as she discovers she is still standing in the middle of the street just feeling frozen. One hand holding her robe closed; it’s damn winter and she is wearing nothing but a tank top and pajama shorts under her robe. 

_Maybe it’s better this way_ , Clarke starts to ponder as her feet stopped at the door and stands still, taking a minute to take a deep breath and compose herself before she goes back to give an explanation. 

_Maybe_ , it was a mistake to go after Lexa and this is it. This will feel like the ultimate betrayal, enough for the brunette to take her down from that pedestal she has her in. Let Lexa assume the worst of her so they can both move on, continue with their ambitions, dreams and life. This will help the brunette forget about her, Lexa will keep her dignity intact and carry herself with grace. 

Because love is addictive and so is the hope of love. She saw the light happiness in Lexa’s smile and the hope in those green eyes as she entered her home. 

She can carry all the shame, the guilt and the regret —thinking she ruined her only chance at happiness.

Clarke really, actually wishes she could be the one whose heart is getting broken, instead of the one who has to do the hurting, by pushing the brunette away. She wishes the brunette knew that she hurts as much as she does. If Lexa only knew that it was hard for her to breathe as it is hard for her. That since she walked out of her classroom she was also thrown deservedly into cold oblivion. But she can’t, Lexa doesn’t need to know. She has certainly inflicted more than enough on Lexa that she had to atone for. It would be selfish to worry about her pain. 

She quietly crosses the kitchen, and serves herself a cup of coffee as two pair of eyes turned towards her, watching her in silence. 

Her friends’ eyes are kind, an expression of genuine concern gracing their faces.

“You all right?” Asked Gina, looking at her with grave eyes and a kind smile.

She smiled back at her. “I’m fine.” She says and her voice sounds unfamiliar and distant, like an echo in her own throat.

"Was that—?" Octavia says, uncertain to say the name out loud.

Clarke nodded sadly, afraid her voice would betray her emotion this time.

Suddenly, Bellamy and Miller’s voice began to fill the room.

♪ ♫ Mr. Turkey, Mr. Turkey. Run away!! Run away!!♪ ♫

“Come on, Clarkey!” Bellamy shouts.

“For old times’ sake Princess!” Miller adds, a wide smile on his face. “We’ve missed you! Thanksgiving has not been the same since you left!”

Both men crowded her, Bellamy and Miller’s arm drape around her shoulders encouraging her to join.

♪ ♫ Mr. Turkey, Mr. Turkey. Run away!! Run away!!♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ If you are not careful. You will be a mouthful. Thanksgiving Day, Thanksgiving Day! ♪ ♫

She doesn’t join but smiles, as the song brings back special memories from when they were all kids —it was the first real smile to grace her lips in a long time, three days to be exact.

_“I’m sexy, strong, fine as hell...”_

Her eyes grew glassy, the memory was too painful, and her heart was aching. She drew a short breath to hold back a tear that threatened to fall.

She forced a smile, and she’ll fake all the smiles, if it stops all the questions.

Having her friends around in this moment, makes everything feel a little better. Just a little. 

She starts to wonder for a brief moment if Lexa has anyone there for her, or is the brunette navigating through the pain alone? The thought alone of Lexa in solitude makes her heart grow more sick and faint. It’s like she has crashed onto the shore, except she keeps getting pulled back in and out by the waves, over and over again.

She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat and shook her head, trying to free her mind from all the painful thoughts.

“Breakfast is here!!!” Bryan shouts upon entering her apartment.

She hears some ‘Yays!’ and ‘Finally!’ from her friends —cheering, they all ran to meet Bryan and Ilian who had just gotten back from picking up breakfast. 

Like old times, they’re all spending Thanksgiving together. This was tradition, Thanksgiving day at the Griffin’s. Later they will all drive to Polis, dinner at her mother’s where the rest of the family will reunite.

 _What you’re doing is the right thing to do._ She reassures herself, _for both, Lexa and yourself._

She was doing just fine before Lexa showed up. It’s all Raven’s fault. Technically it’s not, she can’t blame Raven, her friend didn’t know Bellamy and everyone else had slept over. The Latina was excluded from their plans since she was leaving to California. But _If only_ Lexa had shown up at her doorstep right this moment instead.... 

_Enough of this nonsense Clarke! Love can wait, if it is true at all. An intelligent capable woman should not sacrifice her career, much anything for love._ She reminds herself as she stayed rooted in place. 

Obviously her silence must’ve conveyed her feelings, she felt Octavia besides her, the brunette studies her face, touched by concern. 

“Clarkey, if you need us to go...” Octavia starts to say.

“No!” She interjected. “Please, don’t.”

"All right! So, hit me with it Princess. What are our plans today?" Bellamy asked as he approached them.

“First, don’t call me princess.” She says, she has always hated being called ‘princess’. 

She’s actually forgotten how that stuck around. _No_. She hasn’t, but that’s another story to tell at some other time. 

“Your girlfriend is sitting right over there.” She says and all eyes turn to Gina. 

“Oooooooh!” Bryan and Miller tease.

“Hey-Hey. Calm down children.” Bellamy says and looks pointedly at all of them. “My beautiful girlfriend over there is not a princess, she is my Queen.” Bellamy says, sending a flirtatious wink in Gina’s direction, making her blush. “You’ve always been ‘Princess’, do I need to remind you—” 

“No Bell, that’s not necessary.” She says before punching him in the arm. 

“All right-all right. Smooth, big bro.” Octavia chuckles. 

“I’m the man.” He declares, puffing his chest out in mock bravado.

“Suuree you are." She says sarcastically, letting out a light laugh, “Sorry Bell, but I don’t think anyone would agree with that one, not when you’re wearing your girlfriend’s pink robe. You look _cute_ though, _‘Princess’_.” 

_Of course_ , everyone breaks out into a round of laughter. 

“My king,” Gina calls, grinning she leaned in to kiss Bellamy’s pout away. “Your Queen at your service after a lost battle.”

“Oh my heart!” Bellamy glares playfully. “Women and their treacherous conspiracy.”

“I’m gonna go shower. Behave children!” She says already walking away. “And Please, don’t break anything!!!”

“We’re not done Clarkey!!” Bellamy shouts, not wanting to surrender. “Get back here Princess!”

 

//

 

Clarke walks inside her bathroom, stands in front of the mirror and stares at herself for a moment. 

Her eyes look dull, filled with sadness. Not even concealer could hide those bags and dark circles around her eyes. She is barely holding her head up, she feels lost. The days feel unbearably heavy, insufferably hard. Every day after Monday has been an exhausting struggle. 

It’s been 75 hours since she told Lexa that it was over. Seventy five hours of agonizing pain, sleepless nights and crying herself to sleep for couple of hours during the day. 

For days, she has thought about the brunette’s face and the expression she wore when the harsh words came out of her mouth. She thinks about what her voice sounded like when she tried to sound brave and okay. 

_‘Get out.’_ She said, and her voice was harsh. Light, at first, then heavy, like small daggers slicing through her heart. Worst part is she can’t get the brunette’s expression out of her head after she said the words and most likely it will haunt her for the rest of her life.

As she continues to stare in the mirror, the tears that were threatening to come out are finally flowing down her face. She wipes them off roughly from her face, angry that they’re even falling from her eyes. _You don’t deserve to cry. You can’t be weak, not anymore._ she tells herself. But as quickly as she wipes them off, more fall. 

She whirled away from the mirror to stripped of her clothes.

 _Life is not a fairytale._ She’s said it too many times. Love is never like it is in the movies because life isn't a rom-com. There are no second takes in real life, you can’t call ‘CUT’, let’s try that again. If you fucked up —well , you fucked up. _Oh,_ and how bad she fucked up.

Guilt, guilt, guilt, this fucking guilt. She doesn’t know any other emotion; guilt is all that surrounds her now. 

Her tears keep falling, wetting the bathroom tiles. As soon as the last piece of clothing was discarded, her sobs came out quietly one followed by another as she moves to step inside the tub.

The truth here, is that everything went wrong before it even began. In the midst of their flirting, her heart was awoken and fell in love with someone she wasn’t supposed to. She saw those dazzling green eyes across the room in the teacher’s lounge that day and she had to walk across the room and introduce herself to look them up close. It was Lexa’s eyes. That's the cliche she will always go with. 

_It wasn't my fault. It is my fault._ She will always keep telling herself that throughout her sobbing mess. It’s not that she hasn’t realize she has proved herself to be selfish or emotional unstable for letting it come this far. She has, a selfish bastard is what she is. She’s hurt Lexa for being weak and there is no going back to fix it. So, at this point the only thing to do is move forward; she cannot be more selfish than that.

She jumped in the shower and turns the water on full blast, she flinched as the cold water made contact with her skin. _At last_ , she feels something, _you are still alive_.

As the water begins to warm, she plants her hands on the wall just letting the hot water beat against the top of her head, and let’s it out. 

To put her pain into words would be a disservice. She thinks. It would cheapen the gravity of what she is really going through. Denying how much it really hurts, it buries the pain a little bit deeper each time. She deserves it. 

_Yes_ , she loves Lexa, with every fiber of her being. _My God_ , she loves her. 

But see this is the thing about love —sometimes, love is not enough. Love is never enough because love is not rational. Sometimes, there are things far more important in life and in a relationship than simply being in love. When it comes to love, sacrifice may be inevitable, when it comes to love you must not only use your heart, but use your mind as well. Idealizing love is what causes you to develop unrealistic expectations; such unrealistic expectations then sabotages your ambitions, dreams, goals you once held dearly in the first place. 

And here is Lexa, the girl is willing to sacrifice herself, her dignity, physical body, ambitions, her life purpose and throw every little thing that meant the universe to her into a black hole for HER. ‘It feels right’ the brunette tells her. _Now_ , that is being in love.

‘ _Youth offers the promise of happiness, but life offers the realities of grief_.’ 

Nicholas Sparks

Clarke cannot condone that kind of selfishness in herself. They both, —NO, no one should let love consume them. She cannot let Lexa sacrifice her identity and self-worth for this love, not for her. Because the moment they do that, they’ll lose love and will lose themselves in the process. Their love is not strong enough to bear the heaviest burden life could lay upon them. As much as she would like to believe it, it is not strong enough. She has a clearer and realistic understanding of that. She already has her career, her dreams coming true, her goals close to be met. Unlike Lexa, the brunette has not even begun her journey. And who is she to sabotage Lexa’s future?

Up until now, she has risked it all. One thing she cannot do is let Lexa get lost in the illusion. When you love someone, you protect them from any type of harm, protect them against anything or anyone that could possibly cause the smallest of harm, even if that someone is you. Because if it’s someone you love, you would go as far as death. 

 

“Clarke...Clarke...” 

The voice brings her back from her thoughts. She turns her head slowly, her vision is blurred and unfocused. She blinked a couple of times until she sees Octavia standing staring at her blankly. Trying to understand.

“I-I.....I—” She is shaking uncontrollably, her shivers are very violent, and she doesn’t necessarily feels cold. _She must’ve ran out of hot water._

“Come on, let me help you.” Octavia offers quietly, but does not move and waits for her to be ready.

She clutches her arms around her legs tighter and pulls them closer to her chest instead.

“M-my..heart, ” she whispers, allowing Octavia to see her weak and vulnerable. “My h-heart is so-so...” the tears choked her voice and her eyes clenched tighter as more tears start to fall. She is struggling to find her voice and self control. No one should see her like this, _but...._ “I am...I-I’m so tired...” she says and looks back up at her friend with tear strained eyes, finding only understanding and compassion in Octavia’s green eyes. 

_Green._ A different shade of green, not the green she adores, not the one she loves, not the one she wants to see.

“I was weak,” she explains, “I’ve hurt her.” 

“Oh Clarkey...” Octavia says quietly, grabbed a towel and draped it around her shoulders. “Come on, let’s get you out of here.”

“I was weak. I-I...” She repeated as Octavia helps her up but her tired legs give out and she crumbles to the floor, as violent sobs began to wreck her body again.

Octavia was just in time to catch her from getting hurt, wrapping her in her arms.

“I got you babe." Octavia whispers soothingly and softly rubs her back. “Shhhh. You’re okay.”

Octavia’s warmth is making her drowsy and she hugs in even closer to her friend, relaxing and just letting her friend hold her. 

They sat in the same position for a long time, until her sobs ceased and her tears finally dried.

"Are you alright?" Octavia asked softly, after a long period of heart aching silence.

She looked at her friend sadly and shook her head, and her throat close up again as she tried to speak. 

_No. I’m not all right. Nothing is all right._

“She loves you,” Octavia starts to say, as she helps her get dress in sweats and NYU alumni T-shirt. “I know that technically and legally she is too young for you Clarke, but—” 

There was a small pause, as if Octavia was considering something. She waited patiently.

“You could’ve handled the situation with a little more heart.” Her friend said. 

This is why she loves her friends, they don’t judge, they’re understanding, respectful and always realistic. Octavia is the type of friend who is not gonna tell her what she wants to hear, but what she needs to hear. 

“Don’t you think I know that...” She says, her voice was faint and weary. “You think I wouldn’t have wanted to do things differently? End things in a different way.”

“If there is one thing I know about you Clarke, is that you wouldn’t do things just to hurt her. Your only mistake was letting things get this far knowing there was no future.” 

“I couldn’t let her go..” It was her response. “It felt so right that I couldn't bring myself to let her go as I knew I should.” 

Octavia tips her head to the side. “Then what changed?”

She sighs wearily as she moves out of the bathroom. 

“I have to give her the freedom to choose for herself.” 

Octavia was quiet for a moment, trying to understand.

“Even if I had asked her, Lexa wouldn’t have left. I tried to push her away many times, and she was still willing to stay. She was willing to sacrifice everything for me Octavia. Her career, her life for fear of loosing me....Everything.”

“Then talk to her Clarke!! She is mature enough to understand, things can—”

“She won’t!!” She shakes her head frantically.

“At least give her the chance. What do you know—”

“She won’t! She ran out of here the moment she saw Bellamy.....she won’t understand. We’re not ready.”

Octavia just sighed. There was nothing her friend or anyone could say to convince her otherwise. Talking and crying about this hurts too much, she is emotionally tired and so drained. She was at the point where tears are harder than the problem that's causing them. She steeled her heart, pushed the pain deep inside, and all the thoughts to the back of her mind. Numbness pushes her forward. 

“Besides, I have other priorities in life right now.” She continued, in her cold, well-bred voice already walking towards the door. “Sometimes love is not always worth sacrificing yourself for. It’s over.”

“Suppressing it will only prolong your healing process Clarke! Grief is healthy!” Octavia shouts before she steps out of the bedroom.

It’s hard to think logically when she gets swept up by intense emotions, grief will do nothing but hurt her more, grief is the recipe for long-term unhappiness and resentment. She already knows what it feels to lose herself. _Been there, done that_ and she doesn’t have time for that right now. 

There are things far more important in life than this. She made a mistake. What is done is done. It's not possible to turn back the clock —life must go on.

 

//


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nobody said this was gonna be a meet, fall in love, kiss, sex and happily ever after fic. It’s just not your regular student/teacher happy Lovey dovey.
> 
> I know most are hating the pace of the story or how long it’s taking to post but I do this on my spare time guys. I sorry but I can only sacrifice one days sleep. What takes longer is not the writing is the editing. Shitty fic and rush writing is not my thing. Shitty writing is easy.
> 
> Necessary Long (ass) chapter before some time jump. 
> 
> Peace.

//

The knock on the door wakes her from her heavy ‘Clarke’ dream-filled sleep. She rubbed her face and groans. _Fuck._

“Lexa!” 

Her eyelids fluttered then laid back to sleep, pretended not to hear it. The knock sounding louder and more insistent by the second. 

“Lexa! I know you’re in there!”

Sounded like Olivia's voice. But why was she at her home, and why could she hear her so close from her room.....

“It’s fucking cold Lex, open up!”

She sat up, blew the hair off her face and blinked her eyes several times trying to focus. _Shit._ She realizes she's nodded off in the couch again. _Fuck._ She shouldn’t be drinking this much but this hurts, it feels like someone has punched her right in the heart and alcohol has helped somewhat. 

She glanced towards the door then dragged herself out of the couch and scrambled to the door.

“I’ve been calling all morning,” Olivia tells her as she steps inside her home. “Jesus Lex, you’re still drinking? You smell like a fucking brewery, seriously!”

She scoffs. “So, I had a few drinks.” 

“A few?” Her friend kicks the empty bottles on the floor near the couch. “You look like shit. It’s your fucking birthday and you look like shit Lex.”

“I feel like shit.” She says, plops back into the couch and places one of the pillows over her head. _Damn it_ , it’s already Saturday. That means she’s gotta get her shit together in less than 24 hours before Anya comes back.

“So what? You’re gonna drink your life away because the bitch left you?” 

“Clarke is not a bitch Olivia.” She sighs wearily.

Olivia is silent for a moment. “Was that the reason why you didn’t want anyone to know?”

“What?” She turns to look at her friend, realization dawning her. She spilled Clarke’s name. 

Olivia flashes her a huge grin, excitement lighting up her face.  
“You’re not gay?” Olivia asked.

“What the fuck are you talking about Liv?” She stands up and moves to walk upstairs trying to avoid any type of interrogation.

“You’re bi.” Olivia shouts from the bottom of the stairs, making her stop and turn. “Clark? Eww, Lexa. He is a sophomore!”

She rolls her eyes and laughs a little before she continues to move upstairs. Even if Olivia had known, she trusts her friend.

“We’re still on for tonight Lexi! I already called everyone.” 

“No we’re not. I’m not in the mood Liv.” She shouts.

“Oh, no. You’re definitely in the right mood to party Lexa. You need this!”

 

//

 

♪ ♫ Girl, you know I want your love. ♪ ♫Your love was handmade for somebody like me ♪ ♫ Come on now, follow my lead. ♪ ♫ I may be crazy, don't mind me......♪ ♫

 

"Sixty for you." Jasper tells Olivia, then turns to her, and says, “And one-thirty for you.” 

"What!?” Lexa looks at the scrawny boy. “Does your weed come with a fucking FDA approval?"

“I’m just the messenger Miss Woods. You want it, yes or no?” The boy asked.

“Here. One fifty.” She winks. “For the inconvenience Mr. Jordan.” She adds taking the bag from Jasper.

The bell rings. 

She tosses the bag on top of the coffee table. “Guys, on me!” She shouts and all of her friends gather happily. 

“You’re welcome.” She mumbles as she gladly rushes down to the door and swings it open, revealing more of her friends. 

Gaia, Echo, Ontari and Costia who has flowers in her hands. 

“Happy Birthday!!!!” They all shout, in unison. 

Lexa invites them in, waving over to the living room. There are a couple of other guys behind them whom she doesn’t recognize, she lets them in because why the fuck not. It’s her party and she can cry if she wants to. 

“For the beautiful birthday girl.” Costia says and offers the flowers.

“Thanks,” She gladly accepts the flowers, “You didn’t have to...”

“Oh—but I did.” A sly smile grows across Costia’s face.

She smiles. “Well, thank you.” She says, almost blushing, it is the first time anyone has ever bought her flowers. 

Maybe Olivia was right. Being with friends this moment was a great idea. 

She moves to the kitchen to find a vase. Costia follows. She fills the vase with water and puts the flowers in, then moves back to the living room area where she finds her friends already smoking. _Shit._ Anya is going to kill her. 

“Damn it guys! What the fuck!!?” She shouts and everyone turns to look at her already rising from the floor. “Fucking smoke it outside assholes!!!”

“Holy shit Lexa. What kind of party you’re throwing here?” Costia chuckles.

“Tried it once in my life. It’s not for me.” She says grinning. “Booze?” 

“What you got?” 

“A little bit of everything. Come on.” She says moving towards the bar. 

“Your cousin?” The blonde asks following her behind the bar.

“California.”

“Cool.”

“Vodka or tequila,” she asked, brandishing a bottle in each hand. 

Costia gestures to tequila and she quickly pours two shots. 

“So, have you gotten a chance to stop by campus?” Costia asks leaning towards her, too close in some ways, but necessary due to the amount of noise in the room. 

“Actually —No, I haven’t. I’ve been.....pretty busy but I was thinking maybe over the holidays.”

Costia gives her a look, as she downs her shot. It burned like fire all the way down her empty stomach. She doesn’t feel drunk but she is not exactly sober right now.

“I’d be more than happy to give you the tour.” The girl says before taking the tequila shot.

“I’d like that.” She says pouring another round. “A lot.”

Costia raised her glass, “ _Salud!_ ” 

She cheers and Costia smiles, after chucking it they both slam their glasses on the table. 

Costia’s smile was infectious and she automatically smiled back.

The rest of the night is filled with laughter, dancing, karaoke and twister, like a normal young adult. Her phone is still off. Has been off since Thanksgiving day. She doesn’t need any unwelcome callers, or calls from anyone of any kind. 

It’s close to two in the morning; thankfully the people she didn’t know were already gone, most of her close friends have either passed out or are still swimming on the inside pool. 

She’s fucked. Anya is really going to murder her when she sees the mess in the house. She can’t call Marla to get it clean before noon, it’s Sunday. She didn’t really thought this through. Peer pressure. Fucking Olivia’s fault.

Costia and her have spent the whole night chatting about anything and everything. She felt so relaxed with her, it’s crazy how easy it was. Costia made her feel good, the fact that she didn’t have to think twice about every single thing she said, she was glad.

“You need another drink?” She asked as they both sat back down in the couch.

She sees the blonde’s lips twitch as she scoots closer to her. 

“I know what you’re doing Woods. You’ve been trying to get me drunk all night.” Costia chuckles.

“Oh, no—I..”

Now Costia laughs even harder, lifts her glass, and says, “You know,” Hazel eyes twinkling, then slides a fraction towards her, “You don’t have to get me drunk to—”

“I would never!” She tilts her head and smiles back. _She’s hitting on you, dumb ass. Let her._

"Well, it’s your birthday. _You_ are supposed to get drunk and you’re not even drinking.”

“Someone has to be responsible.” She smirks.

Costia smiles raising one perfectly sharp eyebrow. Both meeting each other’s eyes. Lexa looked more fully at the blonde. She became more keenly aware of the college girl stunningly beautiful face. Costia had luminous olive skin and beautifully exotic hazel eyes. 

“ _Well_ , I’m glad you came.” She says, “I don’t know what—”

“I think —you would need to take off my clothes first.” Costia smirks flirtatiously.

She chuckles nervously, a blush creeping up her neck, causing her to take a moment over the bold statement. This felt weird, being on the receiving end. 

“You know,” Costia starts to say leaning towards her, centimeters from her. “What I really wanna do right now is kiss you.” 

The girl is so close that she could smell the alcohol on her breath. She didn’t mind, she inhaled and let it out slowly meeting Costia’s gaze. 

The only thing missing right now truly was sex. _God_ , when was the last time she had sex, she can’t remember. _Right_ , she hadn’t had sex since she met Clarke. 

_Clarke._

Maybe sex is what she needs. Sex might help break Clarke’s spell, break this celibacy she promised Clarke, to wait for her and to be hers and hers alone. Although, she knows that Costia or any other woman could never fill Clarke’s shoes, no one could..... _Shut up. Just shut up!_

Costia didn’t wait for permission, sensing her hesitation, the girl tilted her chin and claimed her mouth hungrily; tasting and teasing her.

 _It’s not the same_. Costia’s lips don’t taste the same, her lips don’t feel the same.. _Shut up!!!_ She shushed her thoughts and continues to kiss the hazel-eyed girl.

When Costia broke the kiss they were both breathless. 

“I've been wanting to do that since I first saw you in the club.”

“Why didn’t you?” She asked, it would’ve probably saved her a broken heart. “I wouldn’t have minded if you had.” 

_Lies! Lies!_ She probably would’ve. Clarke’s essence was imprinted on her from their very first shake of hands, to the first kiss on her lips, to the........

“You were seventeen, Lexa.” Costia says bringing her back from her thoughts; accompanied by a grin she adds, “I was not gonna risk jail time.” 

The hazel-eyed girl laughed and started laying a trail of kisses across her jaw and neck. 

Lexa blinks, and the words slowly registers with her. Her thoughts drift back to Clarke. _Clarke did. Clarke risked it all for you._ her broken heart whispers, forcing her eyes to close in sadness.

Maybe this was a pretty pointless idea that it could lead to further heartache because it's sex that’s meaningless and without love. 

Straining to speak, she whispers, nodding her head. “Of course.” She scrubbed her hands over her face, she was thinking of too many things at once. 

“You okay?” Asked Costia sensing her sorrow.

“It’s nothing,” She blinks again as if she's just come out of a trance. “I’m fine.” She says and pushed back against Costia’s lips with more force.

After kissing for a few minutes, she guided Costia to the bottom to the staircase. 

“Why don’t we take this upstairs.” She shamelessly suggested. 

“Best idea I’ve heard all night.” Costia tells her and follows her up the stairs.

She shoved the blonde into a dark room in a scorching millisecond, she was in ‘mission mode’ — _To fuck._ Like the good old days.

“Is this your room?” Costia asks.

She doesn’t answer the question, too busy pinning her against the door, trailing hot kisses down her neck. It was a good thing Costia didn’t push it. Because no. It is not her room.

“Off.” She says, Costia obliged. And helps the the girl with her shirt.

 _Clarke. Clarke. Clarke._ The name echoes in her mind. 

Lexa broke the thoughts by kissing Costia more roughly. With her eyes closed and through kisses she walks the blonde backwards to the queen size guest bed. Then threw Costia roughly on the bed and stood before her. Costia sat up slowly, hands reached to unbutton her jeans, a smirk on her pretty face. 

She leaned down, mouth crushed down to claim Costia’s lips roughly once again, now pinning her against the bed. 

“Do you have to be in control all the time?" The girl accuses, causing her to to stop. 

She didn’t respond but met Costia’s darkened gaze. The blonde girl licked her lips before rolling her over to take full control. 

“That’s better,” Costia breathes against her mouth, “now let me take care of you.”

Not wasting any more time Costia moves lower like a temptress, devouring her neck as if she couldn’t get enough, eager hands touching everywhere. 

Her breathing sped and Costia’s actions grew erratic.

“Fuck I want to taste you...” Costia tells her. 

The minute she felt Costia’s hands on her skin moving to touch her breast, everything shifted considerably. Lexa closed her eyes shut as if she couldn’t bear it. _Oh_ , the awful feeling of regret she suddenly has. _What the hell are you doing?_ She shouldn’t be kissing Costia or anyone. _Damn it_ , it’s been less than a week and she’s already kissing someone else. The shame she feels causes her to immediately stop. 

“Cos—wait, wait—” she whispers underneath and the girl stops instantly.

“What’s wrong?” Costia meets her gaze. 

“I—” Her attempt to explain fails and they stared in silence for a few seconds.

“I’m not _her_.” Costia smiles down at her then leaned to press a kiss into her cheek before rolling over to her side.

“I’m sorry.” She says sitting up, looking over her shoulder at Costia hesitantly.

“Don’t.” The blonde jumped to her feet and walked over to pick up her shirt then comes back to stand in front of her. “You wanna talk about it?” 

“Not really.” She says looking up at the girl. “How did you know?” She asked curiously.

Costia smiles and stroked her face, saying softly. “A broken heart will always show in the eyes Lexa.” 

She lowers her gaze and sighs.

“If it wasn’t your fault, remember; nobody and I mean no one deserves to feel more important than you, nor you feeling this miserable. Got it?”

Lexa considered the blonde for a moment and nodded, speechless for a second, Costia’s words came out of nowhere and they reached deep inside. 

“Alright. I’m gonna go.” Costia leaned down and placed a gentle kiss upon her lips. 

She hummed in response. 

“Oh and make sure you take care of that bite on your neck.” Costia winks at her.

Lexa reached up to touch where Clarke had left her mark. She clenched her teeth, shame and anger twisting in her gut.

“You got my number.” 

And that was all the girl said before walking out of the bedroom leaving her alone in the darkness. Here she is once again, left in even more self-pity. Loss of hope, self confidence, trust, not knowing if there's anything left out there for her. She will never be the same even if she tried. 

“Well? Was it worth it?” Olivia enters the room.

“We didn’t have sex.” She says standing up, and exits the guest room.

“Why the fuck not?” Olivia follows her close behind as she strides towards her room. “Costia is hot Lex and you just let that go?”

“I did.” 

“Ok,” Olivia plops in her bed. “I’ve waited long enough for this. It’s time for you to tell me everything. What’s going on with Clarke?”

As soon as Olivia said her name she was washed with an enormous wave of exhaustion.

“She broke my heart.” She shrugs as she opens her drawers to find pajamas.

Olivia studies her for a good minute. Waiting for more.

“I know that. So, what are you going to do?” Her friend asked and starts to undresses to change into the pajamas she laid on the bed for her.

“What do you mean what am I going to do Liv?” She stares at her friend. “Move on.” She says then steps inside her closet to change.

“Well, that’s not exactly what you’re doing Lexa.” Olivia snapped. “What you’re doing is becoming a fucking alcoholic, feeling miserable as if—”

“You don’t understand Olivia..” She comes out of her walk-in closet and took a sharp breath. “I love her.”

“I loved you!” Olivia thundered. “Shit happens Lex. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Suck it up. You’re not the only one with a broken heart. Show the bitch you don’t need her—”

“Clarke is not a bitch Liv.” She shouted and both glared at each other angrily. 

And then, despite herself, Olivia starts to laugh causing her to laugh as well.

“She’s not a bitch,” She sighs and sat on the edge of her bed. “I got lost in the illusion, my movie. Clarke was never mine.” She says, and the words seemed to come from the depths of her being. 

“You’ll survive Lexi,” Olivia grinned, she snorts. “It will get easier babe. Just hold your head up high.”

“I think that’s the problem. I can’t...”

“Did you give your all?”

“Everything.” Her voice fell to a whisper, her heart aching with just that one word. 

She shakes her head to prevent from tearing. They say time does lessen the pain. But what about now? What about in this moment!? 

“Hey. None of that.” Olivia says and tilted her chin to make her look up at her. “You said it yourself Lexa. She was never yours. Then, she doesn’t deserve you —Not your tears and...” Olivia continues and brushes the stubborn tears that fall from her eyes. 

The tenderness in Olivia’s eyes deepening. The petite girl took her hand into hers and guided it to rest over her heart. 

“Definitely not this right here.” Olivia whispers. “You deserve to be loved.” 

 

//

*

//

 

There’s a cliché that says love can move mountains. Most people will agree that love can truly bring out the best in people, but it can also bring out the worst in them. Like an addict the past few weeks Clarke has being going through serious withdrawals. Her eyes remained dry after two weeks. Perhaps she was out of tears. 

The times they both had crossed paths at school were insignificant to none. Lexa has avoided her like a plague. She tries her best to do the same. _Of course_ she stopped going to Anya’s, definitely not for lack of invitation. She receives an invitation on a weekly basis for her and her friends to come by. But she refuses to go. It’s for the best.

She sees Lexa talking to everyone except her. Which is perfect. Lexa smiles and is cheerful to everyone except her. Which is perfect. Lexa has skipped Art class for the last two weeks. Not perfect. Not good.

As Lexa’s teacher, she has the responsibility to address this behavior, forcing her to approach the student and today is the day.

Leaving her hiding cave, she entered the half-full cafe. Hoping to catch Lexa later in the hallways before lunch ends. 

She glanced around, as if on instinct her eyes quickly land on none other than the student. Her heart raced when she saw her. Lexa is sitting at the usual table with her usual friends.

 _Discreetly_ , Clarke watches the student from across the room, the brunette is between smiles with Olivia and Luna, and her phone. 

The more she steal glances at Lexa, the more her heart gives painful throbs as she sees the brunette smiling stupidly down at her iPhone. Lexa has moved on. 

Although in this moment, she really wishes she was the one making the girl smile. Deep down, she knows she did the right thing, yet somehow she still feels like a horrible, cruel and worthless person. Lately she’s being sick to her stomach thinking that there’s a big chance she will never find anyone as good as Lexa. She’s been walking around in fear that there is a possibility she just gave up the only person that she might ever love or might ever love her.

But Lexa is moving on, so that’s good. She continued to stared in silence, wondering if Lexa knew she was there.....

“I don’t think Lexa’s on the menu Clarkey.” Raven whispers in her ear.

She doesn’t comment, only glares at the Latina, more angry at herself for letting the girl still have that effect on her. If she is to continue with this, she has to stop the thousand daily arguments with herself; between her head and heart.

She sighed heavily, glancing around one more time, feeling like a fool. 

Her heart leaped in her chest as Lexa’s eyes met hers through the heads of the crowd. 

The girl’s smile stayed on her pretty face, sparkling green eyes stared at her for a flashing instant leaving her startled and confused. 

She averted her eyes, her nervousness growing. _Did Lexa smile at her? She should’ve smiled back._ It had to have been her mind playing tricks on her. 

For one flickering instant her eyes wavered back, and without warning Lexa was no longer there. Her heart sank like a stone in her chest. 

After receiving a major lecture from Raven, she stormed off from the cafeteria. Per Raven she should’ve given the girl detention two weeks ago, that now it would probably be best not to talk to the brunette and simply fail her. 

_Lexa is not the same person, Clarke._ Raven warned her. _She is back to the old self or worst._ It didn’t matter, she justified the situation by not being personal. Between Teacher and student.

As she spots the brunette with Jasper standing by her locker, her heart started beating a little faster as she slowly approaches the students.

“Lexa, do you have a minute please?”

The words came out cool and composed, just as she'd intended. No pain. No heartbreak. No drama.

The brunette turns her head, giving her a heat-provoking glance immediately seeking her out, then coldly disregarding her as though she was insignificant. Making her feel like a worthless piece of trash. Just showing her that she didn’t want to be part of her world at all. Period.

She flinched inwardly. She almost couldn’t bear it. But stood her ground.

"Bro, I don't know what the fuck is going on but the nice teacher said please." Jasper grins. 

"Of course." Lexa says closing her locker, straightened her stance and stood still waiting for her to speak. “I’m listening.” Her face impassive.

“In private.” She suggests.

“Then lead the way.” The brunette motioned her hand for her to lead.

Clarke leads the student through the hallways, and walked in silence as Lexa follows far behind. Normally, Lexa would rush to hold the door open for her. Except she did none of that this time.

When she entered the classroom she moved straight to stand behind her desk leaving the door wide open. 

“What do you need, Miss Griffin?” Lexa asked sharply, with a stern emphasis on the question as she entered the classroom.

Straight as an arrow, she says, “Lexa you’ve missed several assignments—”

She is interrupted by Lexa’s mocking laugh. The brunette approaches her from the opposite extremity of the room. 

Clarke stood, uncertainly, now a few feet away from the student, looking at her as she continued to speak. 

“As your teacher, I must have this conversation with you...”

 _It would be so easy to reach out, put her hands on the brunette’s waist and pull the girl close to her and kiss her…_ She drew in a breath and shook her head of those thoughts and walked around and stood, unmoving, steps away from the student as she continues. 

“Here are the assignments you missed. If you need the supplies, they’re here for you to use.”

She handed over the folder and Lexa takes the necessary step to reach out at arm’s length to take it.

With an impenetrable patience the brunette looks over the assignments then takes a few slow steps in her direction, green eyes never strayed away from hers. 

As the brunette approached her close, _too close_ , her blue eyes couldn’t help drinking Lexa in, and she inhaled the familiar warmth, her scent —no matter how much she kept telling herself not to. 

“Why?” Asked the brunette, with a condescending raise of the brow.

Lexa’s voice is still and steady, and it stirs up uneasiness in Clarke’s stomach. 

“Because...” She tried to make her voice cold but failed miserably as her eyes keep drinking the girl in. Lexa’s warmth intoxicating her, far too close for her comfort and a small shiver of awareness went through her.

 _I missed you. I still want you._ _**God,**_ Just looking at Lexa made her heart ache with want. The closeness is almost making her loose her senses.

“As your teacher it is my responsibility, Lexa.” She argued weakly. 

“I already missed your class several times. You could just fail me.”

“Is that what you want?”

The right side of the girl’s pretty mouth pulled into a half smile. “It’s what any other teacher would do.” The brunette tells her. 

And green eyes are steady on hers, it was almost a challenge, making her response die on her lips _She is testing you Clarke. This conversation is between teacher and student, remember._ she tells herself. 

The level gaze made her heart not only hammer, but race even faster. Still, she found strength to avert her eyes in the rigid silence that followed. 

_Leave it alone Clarke, you’ve done your part._

“I like to give my students a chance.”

“Ahh! Of course.” Lexa’s lips twisting in something close to a bitter smile.

Clarke catches the accusation in Lexa’s voice, as her eyes narrow. _What’s that supposed to mean?_ She tilted her head in queried. 

"What's that supposed to mean?” 

She couldn’t help it. 

"If you don't know, Clarke, then I can't help you." Lexa says, looking anywhere but her.

 _Clarke._ Lexa called her by her first name. _Don’t do it Clarke. Don’t you dare! This is not about you and Lexa._

"I don't, actually." She says, only to look at the girl, half confused, half seemingly lit by the moment.

Lexa shakes her head, and stared up at her but didn’t say a word for a long moment. 

“So, fail me.” Said the brunette tossing the folder on top of her desk. “You already know why I took this class Miss Griffin.”

Absentmindedly she clutched the brunette’s arm before Lexa had a chance to turn away from her. “Lexa, please take the assignments—”

“Don’t!” The brunette yanks her arm out of her grip.

Clarke’s body went frozen cold and Lexa stares, her green eyes soft and fierce at once. The hurt in those forest eyes —full of anger and hurt. She’d put that there. 

The pain she feels in this moment is so sharp it was as if someone had stabbed her in the heart then twisted the knife.

“I’m sorry," She says, her hands already shaking, and forcing the rest of the words from her throat. “This was a mistake. You’re dismissed.” 

She turn around afraid her emotions would betray her. A mistake indeed, she shouldn’t have approached Lexa.

“Sure, Clarke,” There is a small pause, she turns slightly and Lexa looked at her with a harsh stare and laughed. The sound was so bitter. “Like everything else that has to do with me,” Lexa says in a dry, even tone that makes Clarke’s stomach sink. “A big fucking mistake.” The brunette spat.

And the words slammed into her heart hard enough to leave another bruise.

“No, that’s not what I—” 

Too late. Lexa had already walked out. 

“FUCK!” She shouts, and her eyes flicker shut for just a moment. It hurts, cuts like a gleaming knife upon weak skin. That’s not what she meant. 

_Way to go,_ she thought disgustedly.

She doesn't even realise she's crying until the tears wet her skin.

 

*

 

Lexa glides to the bathroom. _Don’t be so damn stupid Lexa. You’re above this childish behavior....._ she curses herself for showing weakness in front of the blonde but Clarke’s careless remark hurt more than it should have.

She sucks in a long, semi-calming breath, her arms bracing her weight against the sink as she ignores her own reflection in the mirror. She can’t break down and cry here. She was doing just fine. She should’ve never agreed to be alone with Clarke.

She's not ready, not yet. It still hurts. It still hurts as if it was just yesterday. There are still some part of her that she has yet to collect and control.

She sucks in another thready breath, and puts on her best 'I don’t give a fuck' face. Looks at herself in the mirror reassuring, ‘you can do this’.

 

//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving!


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of a very long chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I want to apologize. It’s been over two weeks?? Yeah, I’ve been very sick. Had the flu and had no time or energy. 
> 
> I survived. Thank you for reading my story. For your patience the last couple of weeks. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy. Your comments/kudos are very much appreciated.

//

 

The days leading to New Years came and went, difficult to tell apart from any other day of the year. Life went on and she had no choice but to go with it. 

She had chosen this miserable life for herself.

She handled celebrating the holidays alone pretty well, simply in the comfort of her home accompanied with some wine, a canvas, paint, apron and the welcomed silence.

The time has passed, and gradually her anguish became more bearable, nevertheless the sense of longing remained. 

Always there; to be dealt with when the simplest of things would trigger a memory of the brunette.

How could it not when all the moments they shared took place in the Art room where she spends 8 hours of her day.

She has reduced her bank account by several hundreds of dollars on Art supplies, and spent a crazy amount of time in her studio/guest room covering canvases on the easel with Lexa’s green eyes and gorgeous face.

If Lexa only knew.... _No_ , Lexa doesn’t need to know.

It’s been nearly eight weeks since she last spoke or saw the brunette, by now she had to accept that the door had closed. 

Many days, she had to stop herself from calling or texting the brunette to meet and talk about her decision. Because attempting to explain at this point was meaningless. Lexa’s wounded heart wouldn’t allow it, she’d expected nothing less than this behavior towards her. Nothing less.

Lexa continued with the plan of graduating early —she did. That happened about four weeks ago —not that she has been counting the days. 

From the snippets of information about the brunette’s life, that have popped out during lunch time with Anya and Raven, she’s found out that soon after graduating Lexa moved out of the house without telling anyone where she was going. 

They’ve seen her once since then.

The day she found out Lexa left; which was little over two weeks ago, her eyes involuntarily filled with tears and she has cried herself to sleep most nights, imagining the brunette alone wandering aimlessly in the cold streets of New York City, Venice or London. Because that’s exactly where Lexa would go.

Lately, there have been several times when she wonders if everything had been truly worth it........ _It doesn’t matter_. 

Lexa was now gone, forever; maybe —although, the greater truth was that she still lives for her sweet smile, still lives for Lexa’s touch.

 

//

 

5 days ago

Raven during lunch time at school: 

_“Clarke, you have to come, it’s Anya’s birthday party. Trust me, Lexa will not be there, we haven’t heard from her since last month. We don’t even have a way to contact her.”_

3 days ago

Raven over at her apartment: 

_“Clarke you have to come, it’s something really small, only our closest friends. It’ll be over by midnight. Roan asked for you, he is coming; I think. Anya and I will never forgive you if you don’t make it.”_

 

Last night.

Raven over the phone: 

_“Clarke, I just talked to Anya. Lexa called her today to wish her a happy birthday. Anya invited her to the dinner party but she told her she couldn’t come. So, you are definitely coming, right? Because what kind of friend would you be if you don’t make it to your friend’s AND best friend’s girlfriend birthday party. Where is the love Princess? Where is the love?”_

 

//

 

Over two months. _Yep_. Three months.

That’s how long it had been since she last stepped foot in the Woods residence. The house held too much weight in her heart, there were too many memories of Lexa.

After parking her car, Clarke dragged her feet up the steps to the front door. Closing her eyes, she pivoted inside and her gaze slid to the entrance of the kitchen when she heard voices coming from there.

The moment she stepped through the kitchen door she automatically knew something was wrong when she looked at Raven and met her worried brown eyes. Her friend gives her a half smile before Anya cheerfully comes to greet her.

“Clarke! You made it!” Said Anya, pulling her in for a hug.

She didn't fight it one bit, “Happy Birthday.”

Anya’s arms are strong and tight on her.

“You’re late woman! Dinner was at seven.” Said Anya and the words are slurred. “But I’m happy you’re here Princess.”

She smiles at hearing the adopted nickname from Anya.

“Nowhere else I’d rather be.” She said, handing over the gift-wrapped box that’s on her hand.

Anya gives her a pointed look accepting the gift.

“Alone. In your two bedroom apartment crying over the asshole that broke your heart, I’m sure.” The woman chuckles. “Come one! Everyone is already here.” Said Anya then bolts.

“I’ll be right there!” She says, taking a few steps towards Raven.

Large brown eyes stare at her. 

“What’s wrong?” She asked. Intrigued by Raven’s sudden silence.

Her friend signals with her eyes behind her and she quickly turned around to look. Her breath was caught in her chest the moment she found herself staring into forest green eyes.

With the recognition came many emotions —so many, including a swell of happiness inside her chest. Her heart started to beat faster. She blinked once or twice, and stood there taking in the brunette she hadn’t laid eyes on in so long. _Too long_.

Lexa’s gaze was making her feel incredibly weak in her knees and a part of her idly wondered if she was dreaming. _Maybe she was_. She must be....after all, it wouldn’t be the first time she had imagined Lexa to be in front of her in the past two months.

Definitely not a dream. She told herself when she heard the brunette speak.

“Hello Clarke,” Said Lexa, those three syllables falling from her pretty mouth in the way they always had was enough. The way that made her knees weak because no one else ever said her name like that. No one could. Only Lexa. _Only her_.

“Hey,” she breathes. It sounded almost pathetic.

And there was a long silence.

Then ever so slowly panic began to built as she automatically envisioned everything that could go wrong right now. 

She tried to gather her thoughts, but her mind was quietly racing at full force......

 _Run to her. No. Run away. Kiss her. Kiss her. Leave. Tell her you’ve missed her, you love her._ Her heart shouted.

“Uhhh. I’m gonna go check on An.” Raven says and took off on a sprint, leaving her alone with the brunette.

Another long silence stretched between them. Clarke knew she was going to run out of breath soon if she didn’t let go of the one she had been holding. She anxiously looked around, then shifted slightly testing the strength on her legs before she could walk —NO, more like run out of there. _Coward_. She lowered her gaze and took the first step......

“Wait.”

The second she heard Lexa’s voice she stops but does not dare to turn around.

“Can we talk?”

She looks over her shoulder as if making sure the brunette had asked her. 

She remembers their last conversation, it went messy, _too messy_ and left her heart shattered in tiny pieces. She should just leave and......

“Please?” Lexa adds.

Now, how could she say no when those green eyes she’s missed so damn much were pleading. Unable to find her voice she only nodded. With much struggle she turned around, keeping the same distance.

Green eyes continued to hold hers....

“Well, I must be dreaming!” Bellamy exclaims as he comes into the kitchen interrupting them. “Here princess, pinch me to see if I'm awake!" Her friend said jokingly. “Where you’ve been hiding?”

“You made it.” Gina beams at her as she comes to hug her and gives her a kiss on her cheek. “You look good Clarke.”

“Hey guys.” She smiles, her blues never leaving the brunette’s as Bellamy put his arm around her and gives his usual warm and protective brotherly hug.

Lexa’s expression was hard, her beautiful face didn’t flicker and gaze lingered on them.

“Lexa, this is Bellamy and Gina.” She gestures towards her friends, officially introducing them to the brunette. “Lexa is......Anya’s cousin.”

Bellamy took the necessary steps towards the brunette and extended his hand giving Lexa no choice but to take it.

“It's nice to finally meet you.” He says giving the brunette his most charismatic smile.

“Alexandria Woods. Likewise.” The brunette said, her voice deep and steady.

“Gina is.....Bellamy’s girlfriend.” She adds and for a moment green eyes held hers in silent communication. 

“That’s me.” Gina waves her hand shyly and Bellamy looks between her and his girlfriend.

“Well, we’re going.” Said Bellamy, smiling. “Just wanted to say bye.”

“Already?” She asked.

“Yep. It's an early morning tomorrow besides dinner was at seven Clarke.” Gina smiles and gives her another hug.

“We all need our beauty sleep Princess.” Said Bellamy, giving her a goodnight hug then places a soft kiss to her temple. “Don’t be a stranger.” He told her then turned to Gina taking her hand in his.

“Night guys.” She said before the couple walked out of the room.

And _oh boy_ , was she glad they were leaving. She loves Bellamy dearly as her big brother and it warmed her smile, but in this moment nothing else matters. _Nothing and no one_. Only Lexa.

She met green eyes again, hesitated once before she spoke. She felt an instinctive need to explain. Maybe because; to her, everything is still fresh in her mind.

“Thanksgiving day,” she began quietly, “If you would’ve waited five more minutes.....”

“Look,” The brunette intervened with a wave of her hand, moving towards her.

Her heart started to beat wildly in her chest as Lexa got closer. She took an extra long breath to calm herself. Lexa was impeccably dressed, her haired straightened, pulled back in a high pony, her make up light and perfect. Lexa looked beautiful, stunning and somehow different.

“None of that matters now, Clarke.” Lexa said, sternly. Stopping a few feet away from her. “It helps no one to dwell on the past, and that's not why I’m here.”

At the words, her heart dropped and she swallows the lump that had already formed on her throat. She knows she deserves the way Lexa is acting towards her. Unable to look at the brunette or she will see right through the hurt in her eyes, Clarke lowers her gaze, taking in every arrow to her heart.

Finally, after many seconds of silence Lexa spoke again.

“I'd like to ask your forgiveness for the way I treated you last time we...talked.”

At last, Clarke lifted her gaze to meet the brunette’s. Lexa’s gaze was intense as she spoke, strong jaw and dark green eyes. Her heart continued to pound in her chest and the sound now roared in her ears as she looked into the depths of green orbs.

“Lexa, I—” she started to say but the brunette waved her to silence for the second time.

“Please.” Lexa’s voice was soft and her face now looking calm. “Sometimes we tend to speak out of rage and say certain things..... **I** said hurtful things I didn’t mean.” The brunette continues. “I —I was at a very different place in my life then. Clearly, the choice of words and my behavior told me that I needed to work on myself more and.....I did.” She finished with a firm nod of her head.

“We both said many things we didn't mean.” She acknowledges.

 _And I miss you baby. I’ve missed your face. I’ve missed everything about you._ She could feel tears already welling up behind her eyes. But she was determined not to cry, not in this moment.

“I’m sorry I didn’t want to accept your decision to end things between us....”

“No,” she interrupts with a shake of her head, “People tend to do that when they still care about someone...” She says as both held each other’s gaze for a moment, unspeaking and still.

Her heart could not have been beating any faster.

“Well, I’ve had all this time to think about everything that happened and you were right.” Lexa’s voice was firm and strong. “About everything.” She finished giving her a sad, distant look.

The brunette’s tone hinted that she was setting her free of the guilt of breaking her heart because she understands now. It was all she’d ever wanted, for Lexa to understand her level of caring to let her go. Although somehow in this moment, it was not settling well for her; it only meant one thing, that Lexa was or had moved on.

But at the same time everything just sounded so — _rehearsed_.

Had three months been enough to fall out of love? _Was it possible? How?_ she asked herself, when she couldn’t even walk ten steps without thinking about Lexa’s green eyes and smile.

Unable to form words. Long seconds passed and when she lifted her gaze again to meet Lexa’s, the brunette’s expression changed, hardening slightly.

"I'll see you around."

Having said that, Lexa turned and started to walk away.

 _Say something_. Her heart thudded.

“Lexa....” She calls softly before the brunette stepped all the way out of the room.

Mistakes were made, lessons had been learned and chances must be taken. The only parameter in this moment was honesty, _right_? 

So, she slowly moved to step closer to the girl.

“I’m sorry for not giving us a chance then...” She started to say with all sincerity, wanting to confess how much she’s missed her and that she loves her and always will. That if she wanted her still, she will fight for her, fight for their love because she doesn’t think she could bear the thought of not seeing her again.

“I was crying too and it hurt me to watch the heart of the one I lo—”

“I’m still young Clarke,” The brunette interrupts, not wanting to hear more.

Lexa stood in front of her, her intense gaze studied hers for a moment, that she had to force herself not to look away as green eyes bored into hers. And for a second she saw a gleam of understanding passed into the brunette’s eyes then a sudden change in a blink of a eye, hardening.

“I can easily have false notions about what the future holds for me still, Clarke. At least you had some sense to see that and do something about it then.” The brunette told her, voice soft, now fairly steady and full of emotion.

At that, Clarke fell silent again. A lump of understanding filled her throat. She had to swallow the knot of emotions that had built at Lexa’s words. 

The brunette had a wonderful future ahead of her. Lexa was young, gorgeous and smart. She seems pretty to be doing just fine without her. What right did she have to take that away from her? To pull her back into her already broken and messy life.

Lexa gave her a small curt nod then stepped out of the room, leaving her frozen trying to collect her thoughts, and pull herself together as she had always done so many times in her life.

 

//

*

//

 

For Lexa to proclaim that she has not missed or no longer loves Clarke would be a lie.

_A big lie._

She still loves the woman from the very depths of her soul. 

She’s just gotten better at controlling her emotions.

When the initial shock wore off, she had hard days along the road; there were moments where it felt as if she was dying from her broken heart. Unsure how or when it happened, but one day she woke up and the pain made sense to her —that was the day she saw a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

Of course her irrational heart always ached for the blonde but as the days went by, it started to hurt a little less allowing her to get on with her life.

So far, she’s been doing okay.

 _You must bring this chapter of your life to a close Miss Alexandria. You must._ Titus advised, in order to begin the full process of moving on and start her new life.

She was destined only for greatness. 

Last encounter with the blonde, she had lacked the emotional maturity and intelligence. She had been very impulsive and spoke recklessly, insulting the blonde.

For her sake, she needed a peaceful goodbye with Clarke.

It is the only reason why she finds herself here today. Trying to close this chapter for good. But no matter how hard she tries, she doesn’t think she can close her heart forever, not when she stood in front of those deep ocean blues craving her utmost of love.

But she cannot go back there with Clarke. She cannot go back to dancing on her own again, to the unsteadiness and the feeling unloved. _We have no future._ She had to remember that. _You can’t_ , she tells herself. She knows her heart won’t be strong enough to survive another deception. _Not again._

The plan was to come, wish Anya a ‘happy birthday’, apologize to Clarke and leave and get back to her new life. To the loneliness. But one gaze alone at the blonde had been enough to be drawn, _strongly_.

As the night continued, their eyes followed each other like puppies.

It was instinctive.

Clarke and her friends stayed outside around the fire-pit for the rest of the night. The blonde sat next to Octavia leaning her head on her shoulder, cuddling closer for warmth, while she stole a few glances from the inside; wishing it was her keeping Clarke close and warm.

Anya told her several times to come on outside and join them, but she turned down the many offers. She could handle watching the blonde from afar instead.

It was safer.

She had also called her closest high school friends over to keep her company. Olivia, who had brought her new boyfriend along, and Lincoln who was the only one that truly kept her company. They hung out by the bar talking about future plans, high school gossip and love.

People danced, got drunk and some got thrown into the pool, everyone having an amazing time celebrating Anya’s birth.

It was a small gathering of close friends and family, which surprised her a bit since Anya was known for big parties. 

Everyone came back inside as the night grew colder, and more people started to leave.

Once Clarke went inside she observed how those blue eyes constantly searched for her, and as she would catch the blonde looking at her, Clarke would look away or pretended to be looking at something else. 

Lexa smiles involuntary each time, the blonde has never been subtle when it comes to her. Clarke may think she is but she is not, _really_.

She’s always loved that and in this moment it makes her stomach do multiple flips at the thought.

Those long eye gazes holding her captive and each stolen glance had been a gentle caress, a crack in the wall of her armor. _Damn. Damn._

Maybe this whole thing had not been a good idea after all as Titus had said, she was not ready.

Clarke still makes her weak and she does not have room for love ( _Clarke_ ) in her life right now.

 

//

 

//

 

“Lexa come here!” Anya calls her over to the indoor pool area which is visually connected with the family living room.

She signals to the rest of her friends to wait for her.

Anya called out again with a grin on her face as she approached. 

“Oh, Lexi!!” 

She lifts her eyes, meeting the blonde’s glance as she passes by and Clarke gives her her typical easy smile that almost, _almost_ made her heart stop.

“Come here,” Anya says, putting an arm around her and slurs; “My friend over here. You know Octavia, right?”

She nods. 

“Well, Octavia here thinks your friend is sexy.” 

“Olivia?” She queried.

“No!!” Anya pushes her. “Muscle boy.”

"I can totally make out with a girl,” Octavia starts to say, turning to look at the blonde with a grin. “Right Princess?”

"Shut up.” Clarke throws her empty cup at Octavia. 

"Ow." The brunette whines. 

“We were ten O.” The blonde says rolling her eyes. “Doesn’t count.”

"I was eight actually, you were ten.” Octavia smirks. “I mean, I just couldn’t venture bushy downtown, if you know what I mean."

 _Typical straight girl answer._ She smiles. _Involuntary._

“Pussy must’ve been—” Anya started to say. 

“Whoa! And just to clear that out right now ‘cause I know you all. IT WAS NOT with me!” Clarke said in her defense, laughing. 

Everyone in the circle busted out laughing, including her. She couldn’t hold it in. And her heart warms at the sound of Clarke’s genuine laughter. 

Clarke’s friends seem like a cheerful company. She thinks miserably how perfect she would’ve fit in next to the blonde, and her friends. If only.... _SHUT UP!_ This weak, _weak muscle_.

"Bushy, shaved, trimmed, braided, or dyed,” She adds with a smirk that is directed at Clarke. “Personally, venturing downtown is my favorite part."

She sees Clarke blink a few times, as if not able to process the sudden change in subject.

“Amen to that!” Anya shouts and a few of the other guys agree.

"Oh shit!" Octavia shouts brightly and claps her hand together excitedly. “That’s awesome.”

With that, the blonde was off the couch and moved to fetch herself a drink. 

"What’s awesome?" Raven asked as she joins in their conversation sitting on Anya’s lap.

Anya is quick to answer. "Bush or shaved babe."

"Oooh!" Raven shakes her head taking a sip of her cup. "Trimmed. A little bit of both worlds right babe.” 

“Yep.” Anya chuckles. 

Sensing Clarke’s discomfort, Raven decided to change the subject. Focusing on her.

“So, how’s adult life treating you Lexa?” Raven asked after a moment.

“Well, you know. Just doing very adult things.” She says not wanting to share much.

“Work, sex and liquor.” Octavia says jokingly.

“Pretty much.” She answered confidently. 

_NOT!_ , instead she has buried herself in work, making sure she thrives in the World of Architecture. 

“Must be nice then.” Raven comments.

“Yes, it is.” She says with no snark or arrogance, just a flat statement of affirmation.

“You went missing for a while there.” Raven tells her. 

She looked at the latina with a raised eyebrow.

“Missing me already Raven?” She tilted her head and smiles sarcastically.

Raven snorts and before the Latina has a chance to answer Octavia intervened with yet another question. 

“So, where do you stay now?” Octavia inquired curiously. 

She smirks. 

Surely, the conversation started to feel like an interrogation. _Of course_ , she knows Octavia is not gay, her curiosity is only for the benefit of her best friend.

“Are you sure you’re not gay O?” Anya chuckles. “Sound like you’re interested on Lexa rather than—”

“Oh. No, babe Octavia is straight as an arrow.” Raven says with a grin. “Confirmed.”

Knowing that Clarke was watching her, she stepped it up a few notches. Because _why not_

“I may need to confirm that myself,” She says, with a half smile, half smirk. 

Raven threw her head back in laughter as Octavia gave a low chuckle. 

“Weren’t we talking about Lincoln?” Clarke interrupts, bringing everyone back to the reason of her being there.

The blonde flops down beside her friend —Not before giving Octavia a small glare that does not go unnoticed by Raven and herself. She had awaken Clarke’s jealousy. It was a good thing Anya was half dazed to see it.

Raven and Octavia looked at each other amused and Lexa could not suppress a smile. 

Clarke still loves her. And she, _she_ is playing with fire. 

“So, that’s his name?” Octavia asked. “He is sexy.”

“Hey Linc!” Lexa calls her friend over. 

“He is nineteen Octavia.” Said Anya, opening her eyes a little and then closed them again.

“Nothing wrong with an age difference An.” Octavia winks. 

“He is my student.” Clarke interceded. 

The blonde’s words bothered her for obvious personal reasons. But she gave no expression of resentment. 

The words instead contributed to strengthen that emotional wall back up that was beginning to break. Clarke never saw it her way. Here, she was —willing to change and leave everything for love, for Clarke. However, one thing she could not change, was her age. She had not been enough then, and she is still not enough.

“If it’s meant to be, it will be.” She remarked. 

“An amorous idealist.” Octavia tells her, she smiles.

“What’s up?” Lincoln comes to stand beside her.

“Lincoln my friend, this is Octavia.” she gives her friend a smile as she stood up, and with a shrug she adds, “Octavia thinks you’re sexy man.” 

Octavia stares at her, openmouthed and Raven laughs. 

Letting out a nervous chuckle and blushing a little; “Thanks Lex.” Said Lincoln with a shake of his head.

“Life is too short buddy.” She says giving Lincoln’s strong muscular chest a hearty pat with a satisfied grin. 

Then walked through the door without breaking stride or looking back.

 

//

 

“Lexa.” 

She hears her name from behind and she recognizes the sound of that voice quickly. 

_Clarke._

She stops and closed her eyes to breathe, she already knew what was going to happen. Then spun around to face her.

“Yes?” She said taking a small, hesitant step closer to the blonde. 

But that was as far as she went. 

“Come with me…we need to talk.” Clarke said in a firm, determined voice, taking her hand in hers, leaving no chance to protest. 

Her heart began to pound eagerly as the blonde led her down the hall with her hand on hers. If Clarke could sped her heart like that with a simple touch of her hand, what would it be like in her arms, her lips on hers again? 

_Fuck! Keep it together._ she tells herself when she sees the blonde stop and turned to meet her eyes.

"You wanna tell me what the hell you’re doing?" Clarke questioned.

She studies the blonde for a moment and asks, “Do you?”

Clarke let out a breathy laugh of disbelief. 

"Octavia is my friend, Lexa." 

"I already know that.” She says, meeting Clarke’s fiery gaze.

“Don’t act stupid.” The blonde retorted giving her a disbelieving scoff.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She says. 

_Of course_ , she knows exactly what Clarke is talking about. Truth is, in this moment she is kicking herself for doing it so. 

Clarke took a step forward.

“You know _exactly_ what I’m talking about...” 

There is a pause as blue eyes meet her with passionate tenderness filling her head with excitement and swift pain. 

“Why her?” Asked Clarke 

Drawn by the magnetism of blue eyes, she steps dangerously closer, the sound of her heart beating wildly in her ears. As if she was staring out at the ocean, Clarke’s eyes were soft and already unfocused.

“Why Bellamy?” She whispers, completely crowding into Clarke’s space.

 _Damnit!_ Titus was right about coming back. As long as she loves Clarke, she will exclusively be driven by her emotions. 

She watched as Clarke licked her suddenly dry lips and her traitorous eyes flicked down to the blonde’s crimson lips before quickly returning to her blues. 

_God_ she wanted to taste those lips again. _Hell_ , she wanted to taste all of Clarke. She was almost breathless as she anticipated the moment their lips would meet. 

“Lexa,” Clarke whispers. 

The sound of her name on the blonde’s lips ignited a yearning on her. More so when the blonde’s gentle hand framed her face.

“I miss you baby. So much.” Clarke whispers softly with her eyes closed, her lips a breath away.

Clarke’s confession sent shivers down her spine. Her lips ghosted over the blonde’s. One beat. Two beat.....She blinks. And her heart clenches, as it pounds. She closes her eyes and breathes slowly to regain her composure. She knows she is almost shaking from Clarke’s touch but she does not falter.

This love is toxic. _You cannot go back to this, Lexa._

After taking a steadying breath; she says, “We’re not doing this again.” Then drew a step back. 

She saw vividly the hurt and pain she had caused in Clarke’s ocean blue eyes.

Her irrational heart ached as she looked at the blonde. 

Turning, she hardened her heart and walked away, leaving Clarke standing alone. 

_Love is weakness. _The words echoed in her mind.__

__

__//_ _


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back. Sorry guys. :| La vie. Life. La vida. happened.
> 
> Long read. Part II. Part III coming. Y’all definitely not ready for this one or the next chapters. I’ve read all your comments. All I can say is Don’t loose faith. 
> 
> I’ve truly enjoyed writing this story for your entertainment. I love Clarke as much as I love Lexa. This is 100% Clexa end-game.

//

 

There was silence for a beat, as she turned to leave, a voice she didn’t recognize called her name, stopping her. 

“Clarke...” 

She didn't recognize it right off so she refrained from turning around before she had wiped away all the tears from her face.

When she turned she meets eyes with the one who called, surprised to find Olivia standing across the hall.

“Yes?” She answered politely.

Olivia looked at her fixedly for a minute. Then walked towards her scanning her from head to toe.

Clarke could feel the tension curling her stomach as she stood still under the girl’s intense scrutiny and panic began to fill her head. Worried that Olivia might have noticed the intimate moment with the brunette. 

The girl had moved close to her now, to stand just in front of her and the proximity was making her somewhat uncomfortable. They have never crossed any words before. How did she even know her first name? _Had Lexa talked about her? Told her name?_ she wondered, she’s always been careful around the students, with Lexa being that exception. _Of course._

“Look at you,” the girl started to say. 

_Oh_ , the mocking stare and the small smiling mouth. _Olivia knows, she saw them._

“Who would’ve thought it was.... _you_.” The petite girl said, simply.

She gulped. As moments passed, Olivia looked in her eyes, as if searching for something else there. A reaction, maybe. Her chest tightened from her rising emotions, _of course_ her lack of response would only worsen the matter. 

“I get it,” The petitte girl started to say, and continued to smirk. “You’ve had your fun...”

Clarke felt a flare of anger blaze from her chest but did not speak. 

Olivia knows nothing. 

“....but unless you mean to break her heart again, don’t come to her with your looks and words... ” The girl shot her a challenging and defiant look.

She was tempted; but instead took a deep breath and raised her chin, not letting the girl continue, she speaks softly, “You have a goodnight Olivia.” 

Having said that, she strode silently not letting the student continue. Seconds later she heard Olivia shout. 

“She’s not _your toy_ Miss Griffin!” 

She hurried, focusing straight ahead where she saw Raven struggling with a drunken Anya.

“Let me help.” She says and drapes her arm around Anya’s waist, supporting her with the other hand, and both got the birthday girl up to her room. 

//

“What the hell was that about?” Raven asked curious to find out.

”What?” She put her head on one side with a quizzical expression.

Raven doesn’t even try to hide the eye roll. “You and Olivia. Downstairs?”

“It’s nothing,” she says shrugging it off, “Octavia?” She asked instead and watches Raven knelt to take off Anya’s shoes. 

“Obsessed with her new found love.” Raven lets out a snort and shook her head.

“ _Lincoln_?” She asks with a short laugh.

“Apparently so.” Raven sighs heavily. “So, did you get a chance to talk to—”

 _Lexa._ She filled in the blank and replied with a simple “I did” after a moment and left it at that. 

“And?” Raven asked impatiently.

“Nothing.” She tries to shrugs it off again.

“I swear you two! You both are fucking stubborn as a mule. Like mamá used to say.”

“Oh, I remember that.” She chuckles.

“Clarkey, your life is already complicated. Why is it that you always try to complicate it even more?”

“Raven..” She warns without much effort. 

She knows Raven is right.

“No. Clarke. Honestly, just stop!” Raven says, raking her hands over her face with an exhausted sigh then points an accusing finger her way. “You both are acting like children. You know I Damn love you Clarke fucking Griffin, but _you_ , Oh you are.......” Raven couldn’t think of a word. Instead, curled her fist and shouted, “Aahhh! Just stop being a fucking idiot.” 

She watches her friend silently and Raven rose from the bed and took quick strides towards her.

“The choices you make now, those will directly reflect the life you lead. Don’t end up living mechanically to the tune of others. I was wrong, I’m sorry, okay!? But she’s eighteen now, she already graduated and it’s fucking obvious you two love each other.” 

Raven continues and she keeps her stare steadily at her friend without saying one word.

“Instead of sacrificing yourself miserably, you BOTH can sacrifice your careers, dreams, ambitions, whatever the hell it is and live your damn lives happily together. Tell her you love her for fuck’s sake, or just let her go. Damnit!” Raven adds in a more demanding voice. “It’s time to move on!”

“You are fucking right!” Anya shot up her head and slurs, “Move in with me Reyes.”

Both turned to look at the woman, and burst out in laughter. 

“You are so gonna regret that tomorrow when you’re sober An.” Raven tells her girlfriend and shakes her head.

“Oh.....okay.” Was Anya’s reply before flopping her head back into the pillow.

“Clarkey look,” Her friend places a hand over her shoulder. “I mean it. Somewhere along the line, you will wake up to the realization that life has passed you by without you ever fully participating in it. You already distanced yourself from your friends. From me, O... I’ve seen you at your worst......... If you are certain. Don’t do it like in the movies princess, don’t wait until she is ready to catch that plane.....You might never see her again.”

“I already tried.” She said weakly. 

“Then try harder! Beg for her forgiveness and hope like hell she loves you enough to take you back. If not then it’s time to lay the girl at rest.”

She remained silent and lowered her gaze to the floor.

“The choice is yours my friend.” Raven whispered to her sadly.

 

//

 

Everything she is feeling at this very moment —uncertainty, the anxiety, and the feeling that she can't live life without Lexa, has her standing in front of the brunette’s bedroom door.

Her hand on the doorknob, and she has to decide quickly.

She could run out of the house, run home to loneliness with the possibility that she might not have another encounter with Lexa any time soon, or with a possibility of never seeing those green eyes —ever again. 

In this very moment, she couldn’t _for the life of her_ imagine a life without the brunette. Her fingers tightened on the metal doorknob just at the thought.

 _We’re not doing this again._ She remembers the brunette telling her. 

“We won’t.” She whispers with much conviction, this time everything will be different. 

She wants love, she wants Lexa’s heart back and she knows the only way for that to happen is for her to completely let go. Her insecurities, the jealousy, and above all trust. 

She turned the doorknob, slowly pushed the door to open and entered the dimmed lit bedroom. She tried to slow her heart, tried to quiet the blood roaring through her veins as she soundlessly closed the door behind.

Blue eyes immediately focused on the girl. Lexa stood there on the far side of the room in front of the dresser mirror, with her back to her. In nothing but a white tank top and girl boy-shorts. 

Clarke stood glued by the door a good minute or two, as she drank the sight, Lexa’s hair was now down, slender fit body, long legs..... _Shit._ She didn’t really think this through. What if Lexa had been naked? It was good she wasn’t. She gulped.

Nonetheless, she still felt brave and took small steps further in.

“Lexa,” she said, her voice came out nearly a whisper.

Her heart raced at full force when the brunette turned around. Lexa’s still-wet curls covered her chest. Clarke’s gaze had not lingered for long; but enough for her to get a full front view, when suddenly she heard Lexa's voice.

“What are you doing here Clarke?”

The silence is heavy around them.

Lexa took easy steps towards her, watching her with caution, expectantly into her face as her insolent gaze started at the toes and by the time the brunette had stood in front of her, she had laid her eyes on every inch of her slender body. Her mouth feeling dry as a desert, fixed on _her_ beauty.

Taking a shuddering breath and feeling certain she had to spend the rest of her life with the brunette. Quite simply, Lexa is _the one_. Mine. she spoke;

“I.....I want to say,” she stumbled through her words.

“You what?” Lexa asked violently, inching closer.

The brunette’s fresh scent already filling her senses, making her heart beat fast enough to take flight. She stares at Lexa for a long moment before gathering her senses enough to answer. 

“I want to say I’m sorry. I—” 

“You don’t need my forgiveness Clarke,” Lexa said, sharply, green eyes pinned her to her place. 

Looking straight into Lexa’s beautiful green eyes, she searched for something beside the anger, for some hint of sympathy, something —but there was nothing. She'd seen the look in those eyes before, but never pointed towards her.

 

*

 

 _God_ , why didn’t Clarke understand that she had done everything she could think of to avoid her and forget about her? And here she is, standing in her bedroom suddenly wanting her back? Making her loose her senses, looking incredible in her off-the-shoulder blouse, skinny jeans and ankle boots just stealing her breath away.

If she had left, it was because _SHE_ wanted. Clarke knows —the blonde knew she’d hurt her, she watched her almost drowned, almost loose herself and yet here she was awakening her heart once again. Clarke had gone too far now. Treating her heart as if it was a toy, that tonight with every look her way, every word, every caress, and every breath she drew against her skin, she’d remembered it all. 

She tried to be strong, always trying to hold on but _how much was enough_? She couldn’t bear the thought of going back there again. 

“Let’s not start something that neither of us can finish.” She said quietly. 

“We can Lexa. Everything is.....different now.”

 _Different?_ Lexa closed her eyes for a second taking a deep breath, “Get out.” She muttered through clenched teeth as respectfully as she could manage unable to meet Clarke’s eyes.

“Ask me that looking straight into my eyes Lexa.” The blonde steps forward.

She did and met Clarke’s eyes, ocean blue, even in the darkness, probed into hers like gentle fires.

“Now tell me that you don't love and I’ll stay away.....” 

“You want to know what your problem is Clarke?” She responded quickly, keeping her voice low and steady. Feeling all mocked, _Of course_ Clarke knows she loves her, more than anything — she loves her still. But, everything has changed and they both couldn’t stand here and let themselves pretend that this could be so, it was beyond all hope now. “You’re standing here and you still don’t even know what you want—”

“You.” Clarke interjected. “I want you.” 

“I —I—I!” She repeated fiercely, brushing away Clarke’s attempt to touch her.

The blonde’s gaze narrowed and shook her head.

“It's always about you, isn't it? What you need. What you want. When you want it.” She accuses dryly. 

“I never asked you—”

“You’re right. You didn’t. It was me who was doing all the giving. But all of that has changed now. My whole world does not revolve around you _Princess_. Not anymore. You taught me that.”

Her heart tightened at the tense delivery of her own words and sees the blonde physically winced as if they had cut through like a knife, low and deep. It didn’t matter. _Not anymore._ Instead she stood strong. Her voice hardened. Clarke needed to leave, there was no point now, no going back. She had only come to say goodbye tonight, to close this chapter of her life to start a new one far from this place.

“We both made enough mistakes already Clarke,” she said softly, her voice wavered. “It would be extremely foolish to start making fresh ones now. Don’t you think?” 

“Lexa, please—” The blonde tries desperately. 

“Leave.” She said, forcing herself to moderate her voice. “Now.”

“Give me another chance, I—”

“Do I still want you?” She snapped and the blonde goes completely still at her words. “Isn’t that what you’re here to find out?” She asked shoving the woman against the door, pinning her there with a possessive gaze while her hand took the liberty to roam over Clarke’s exposed shoulder, side of her breast to her ribcage, exploring downwards at a leisurely pace. “I’ve always wanted you Clarke, from the very first day I laid my eyes on you,” She speaks in a hushed tone, “You know that,” a seductive whisper close to her earlobe hoping she has the desired effect on the woman.

A bare second later she felt the blonde’s breath quickened and pressed in closer, pulling her head back slightly forcing Clarke’s gaze to hers. 

“Is _this_ what you want? Is this the reason you’re standing here in my bedroom? And How much longer until you keep me your dirty secret Princess?” she paused, her mind flowing with all questions. “Why let me fall in love with you?” She sneered, demanding answers. “To then heartlessly rip _my_ heart out!? Tell me, what else do you want from me? What kind of sick game you’re playing at Clarke?” 

 

*

 

Clarke sensing Lexa’s need to punish and deliver her more pain blinded by hurt, anger and pain, she looks fiercely into steely emerald green eyes; and shouts;

“You’re wrong!” Her voice trembles as she tries to slip away from Lexa’s grip, but the brunette’s hold on her is too strong. “Unlike your actions today. I’ve had no ulterior motives Lexa.” 

The words came out harsh and cold, as her intense gaze burns into Lexa. At that, the brunette let go almost instantly, taking a step back with a huff of disbelieving laughter.

“Don’t you dare—”

“Or what!?” She cuts her off, and does not let the young girl continue. 

Same as the brunette, she’s also had enough to keep up some semblance of self-control. 

“You’ve accused me of having something to do with Bellamy yet here you are flirting with my friend. My. Best. Friend Lexa! When I’ve told you many times, he is like a brother to me!” She raises her voice pointing a finger to herself as she speaks. “Supposedly, you came here to apologize, to tell me you understood...” she continues and forces Lexa to walk backwards, until the girl stumbles onto the dresser, still; she continues, “Yet _here you are_ accusing me of breaking your heart.....I don’t require blame or justification. But I’ve tried —I _tried_ to do the right thing.”

“Did you?” Lexa seethes with anger, as she stood silent and still for a minute in the wake of the storm.

“I did,” She said, sadly, completely baffled by the fact that she couldn't see where these questions were leading to. She didn't understand because...... “You know, I tried. I tried to tell you in many ways.... many ways but you always stopped me........too afraid of loosing me, and I— I, too afraid of hurting you.....but I did it for you.” Her voice dropped to a near whisper and searched green eyes, urging Lexa for understanding, before she could continue. “I broke your heart, breaking mine in the process. _I_ had to. _I_ was doing the right thing.” She said softly, her blue eyes glistening with sincerity. “But nothing has hurt more than letting you go, I swear.” She whispers, meeting Lexa’s now gentle forest green eyes. “It’s why I’m here....to fix it.....To fix us. I—” 

“Just stop it.” The brunette tells her.

All at once, all the anger/frustration from minutes ago threatened to come flooding back; here was Lexa once again, interrupting her. Not wanting to hear. She closed her eyes shut and sighed.

A second later she opened them and looked up to Lexa’s face, she watched as the brunette struggles with what she was going to say.

“There’s...Uh—” Lexa started to say something else quietly, but suddenly changed her mind after a prolonged silence, “Just go. Please.” Her voice sounded strained. 

“Please.... don’t shut me out....” She says, took a step closer trying to ignore the loud pounding of her own heart. _Beg for her forgiveness_ Keyword. _Beg._

Lexa tries to back away from her denying her her hands and finding herself trapped between her and the dresser, nowhere to escape. 

_I’m not loosing you._ She couldn’t. Loosing her here was not an option. In this moment her heart only knew what it wanted, and that was Lexa. She’s been denying her feelings for so long it had become second nature. But she didn’t want to suprress it anymore. She wanted to tell the brunettshe she loves her. Give their love a chance. She knows she has kept going back and forth on her word and things had changed. But ‘now’ was certain, tomorrow is not. Lexa is Here and she is certain, more than she’s ever been before. 

Her trembling hand came up to caress the brunette’s cheek.

“Don’t.” Lexa whispers closing her eyes then shook her head struggling against this mutual impulse, trying not to let herself be carried away by her emotions.

Clarke also, afraid she might succumb to the urge to kiss the brunette she closed her own eyes for a moment and raised herself up on her tiptoes to rest her forehead against Lexa’s.

“Please,” she breathes, her voice full of emotion; “I can’t loose you. I need you...” 

At that, she saw Lexa’s beautiful eyes open and watched in fascination as those green eyes lowered to her lips then back to her eyes and finding herself hypnotized beneath the brunette’s intense gaze; looking straight into the most beautiful green eyes she’d ever seen. The confession of love still lingering in the tip of her tongue.

Her thumb softly caressing the brunette’s full lower lip. “Tell me what I have to do to fix it baby. I’ll do....” She continues making sure to hold that gaze. A shudder ran down her spine.... _This was it._ The moment she’s long waited for..........“I lo—”

She stifles a surprised gasp as the brunette’s soft lips enclosed hers in a kiss, completely shutting her up. 

_No. No. No. Baby, I love you. I—...._ she groaned her pleasure, delighted in Lexa’s touch and body flushed against her before she even realizes what’s going on.

 _Oh God_ , Lexa is kissing her? ......Lexa _is_ kissing her and it’s the kiss she’s been craving these past weeks. It’s the kind of kiss that steals the breath from her lungs. Lexa’s lips feel so soft, so soothing, so sure, so compelling.....

“Mmmmn,” She moans softly into their kiss, more so when she feels Lexa’s fingers dug into her hip, pulling her closer until their bodies were fused together as tightly as their mouths. 

She impulsively flung her arms around the brunette’s neck and held on tight receiving Lexa’s craving and kissing her with all her might and relishing every single moment. The hunger in the brunette made her toes curl, sending a bolt of lightning straight to her body. 

Moving against the brunette, she continues the assault, the brunette’s hands explored her body as her tongue explored her mouth. Until, suddenly her mind slowly started sending a ‘warning’ signal to her conscience. She doesn’t know how they got to this point and although she’s not complaining — it was not exactly what she was looking for, at least _not yet_ since they needed to sit down and talk first. They would get caught up in the moment, but it was more than the moment at stake here. She thought. She knows exactly where this heated kiss would eventually lead to since both knew there was nothing that could hold them back now.

Her body was already betraying her, relishing the feel of Lexa’s chest against hers, right hand squeezing and massaging her breast through her blouse and with her other palming her ass just pulling her tight against her. And _My God_ , it feels amazing.

“Lexa,” She gasped between kisses, the words stumbled out almost incoherently, to deaf ears. “We— shh—talk mmm—Lex, baby we should—” 

Before she could finish the words, Lexa leaned and had crashed down on her mouth again, kissing her fiercely. They kissed and kissed, both couldn’t seem to get enough. They lost all track of anything; perhaps they kissed for minutes or maybe it was hours, for all lost time. 

_Sure_ this will only complicate an already complicated situation. But honestly? Right this moment she couldn’t bring it in herself to care anymore. Pushing her common sense firmly aside, Clarke gave in completely to her pent-up longing and kissed the brunette more fervently. 

Lexa growled in her mouth appreciatively and slid her hands around to the back of her thighs and lifted her onto the dresser with another slight growl, spreading her legs apart so she could step between them. 

She’s always loved to feel the possessiveness in the way Lexa encloses her, her touch always firm and sure, gentle and reverent at the same time. But the abruptness of it and the sudden aggressiveness in the brunette’s touch as if she had every right caught her completely off guard this moment.

Lexa poured herself into her, feeling her everywhere, hands roaming across her body as her tongue duels with hers, both already drowning in sensual need.

 _Fuck!_

Giving all in, she turns her head to the side, offering the brunette more flesh to consume and the girl gladly ran her lips over the line of her jaw to nip and suck at her pulse point, with her mouth the brunette started leaving a trail of kisses down her neck, kisses down her shoulder, chest all the way down to her cleavage. Just tracing her skin until her clothing prohibited any further explorations. 

Her hands stroked teasingly up Lexa’s side, lightly brushing the side of her breast wanting to feel, needing more as well. The prospect of having Lexa touch her even more intimately were setting loose hundreds of different emotions, fear, excitement....

Using both hands as green eyes carefully watches her movements she slowly pulled her blouse over her head exposing her breast and small waist. Lexa’s hands catches her curves, her hips to rest possessively on her waist . 

“Fuck,” She murmured between hot, heavy kisses.

The word seemed to snap something inside the young girl, Lexa immediately cupped her inner thighs in her hands and lifted her up again, pulling her legs so they wrapped around her waist and Clarke quickly linked her arms around her neck. The scent of the brunette’s body was fucking exotic and enticing. 

With the brunette’s hands gripping her ass firmly, still not breaking the kiss, Lexa effortlessly carried her to the bed and laid her down. The brunette’s sweet mouth descended to hers, this time, kissing her even more aggressively, tongue thrusting deeply as she moved to caress the girl’s braless breasts. Clarke’s fingers ached to feel skin as hard nipples peeked out from underneath the thin white tank top, tantalizing her to distraction. She eagerly grasped the bottom of Lexa’s top and pulled it up and over her head.

“There are so many things **_I_** want to do to you, Klark...” Lexa whispers in her ear making her pussy clench on nothing, nothing but an aching emptiness. 

She moaned beneath the brunette’s touch. Lexa wanted her and wanted to have her way with her. _God,_ it’s been so long since she’s been intimate . She, _embarrassingly_ , could cum any moment just with the feel of Lexa’s body resting over hers, weighing her down. She’s long dreamt about this moment.

Lexa’s hands reached down at the waistband of her jeans and unfastened the top button of her jeans within seconds, her boots and jeans came off in a rush and were unceremoniously thrown aside. 

Their breathing turned ragged, shallow, each breath a harsh whisper in the dimly lit room as she grew damped and restless. The brunette claimed her mouth again, and fingers felt warm against her as they skimmed up her rib cage then moved to cup her breasts possessively through the smooth material of her bra _God_ , Lexa’s hands feel so good she shivers with delight and anticipation.

One of her hands came around to Lexa’s back to pull her forward more intimately into her body, loving the way Lexa let out a little gasp in her mouth. It all enraged her senses the way nothing else ever had that a small loud moan escapes her mouth and she trembles beneath her lover.

Lexa kisses the swell of each breast, then dragged her tongue from one to the other, her fingers fumbled with the hooks of her bra.

In some deep, dark corner of her mind she knew it wasn’t supposed to go like this. 

Fighting for some self-control, she reminded herself that they both needed more than sex tonight. That _Lexa needed_ more than that. She didn't want meaningless sex, she wanted real, honest passion, she wanted to feel Lexa’s soft, pliable body wriggling beneath her as she pleasured her. 

She wanted to make Love. 

It was essential to her. To their relationship. Taking the initiative before the brunette had succeeded with her bra, she turned them around and lifted to straddle the brunette’s waist but keeps herself from grinding down, as much as she wants that pressure to relieve the ache building between her legs. 

“Patience,” She whispers, her mouth pressed against the underside of Lexa’s ear then moves to stare back to green eyes, “Someone very intelligent told me once that good things come to those who wait.” She says and smiles seeing the displeased look in the young girl’s face. 

Lexa's eyes were a darker shade of green than she'd ever imagined possible, pupils blown wide with desire, cheeks flushed and chest heaving as they take in each other’s hungry gaze. This is love, it was never about sex. 

”You’re fucking beautiful, you know that?” She says as she lets herself take the brunette in for the first time. 

She feels Lexa’s abs tensed-up and groan beneath her touch as her hands came up to caress _her_ perky breasts, kneading the soft mounds, her skin velvety smooth, her nipples poking proudly aching for her mouth.

“Gorgeous.” She whispers taking her time admiring Lexa’s beautiful full bosom. The brunette’s body was a fucking delight. She craved all of her much more than she ever did before. “Let me make love to you?”

She watch as the brunette swallows and struggles with a response and can see the conflict in her green eyes. The hurt, all the pain, still lingering on her delicate mind and there was nothing —nothing, she could do to erase it from the brunette’s memory but to replace it with new and better memories. Much better ones.

Starting tonight.

The feeling of being alone was her companion for far too long. But _Not anymore._ That, she was certain. Not anymore. She wanted Lexa, desperately craved her love, her gentle touch. She was more than ready to love and be loved.

*


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa’s struggle. 
> 
> Head over Heart.
> 
> WARNING: Mature content/strong language. If Your Not Comfortable with this stuff then don't read it but if you are then I hope you enjoy! ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like like something was missing  
> (◞ ‸ ◟ㆀ) ....so I decided to add more detail. I know I could’ve done this as a whole chapter, I write and write but my editing is soooo intense, I won’t post until I can feel it. Lol. So it does take me longer. Enjoy. 1 more coming and it’s not pretty...... Clarke’s POV (⊙⊙)(☉_☉)(⊙⊙)❀ヅ❤♫

 

*

 

Propping herself up on her elbows, Lexa licked her lips as she studies blue eyes that makes her insides tingle upon seeing the lust shining there, filled with so much need and longing. Feeling exposed under those pretty blues that seemed to devour her, both physically and emotionally. 

Her skin is buzzing in spaces she’s never felt before, trying to look more composed than what she feels she lays submissively under the blonde’s piercing blue eyes, giving the woman free reigns over her body just making Clarke feel empowered.

_You can’t make love to her._ Her bruised heart shouts, the blow felt more hard when she thought of how _different_ this could’ve been, it could be.

But she shouldn’t care. Clarke didn’t. She couldn’t stop now, she didn’t want to stop. It didn’t matter, the last thing she needed to do this moment was fall back emotionally and hop on back into Clarke’s rollercoaster. More than ever she needed to focus. Her future awaits. She needed to keep it simple, and keep it all about sex tonight. Nothing more.

_Nothing more._

She almost convinced herself she could do that, she meets Clarke’s gaze, pleading sky-blue eyes trying desperately to engulf her back. 

The blonde’s mouth drifts lower placing a soft kiss at the slope where her neck meets her shoulder, then looks up to meet her eyes again. 

The kiss was placed exactly where the blonde had left her marks many times before. Clarke’s favorite spot. And, _of course, HOW_ could she forget. It was Clarke’s way of giving her reassurance, a way to claim her as hers. More specifically it was Clarke’s way of saying ‘ _I do love you Lexa_ ’ without actually having to say the words out loud. The blonde always made sure to keep herself safe, protected first. 

_‘You’re perfect Lexa...but I can’t.’_ were Clarke’s words after leaving her mark on her shoulder the night she broke her heart. And for two whole weeks, she hurt and relieved that night, as she stood in front of the mirror every single day and night; looking at it brought the pain right back to the surface until it eventually faded.

Soft blue eyes continue to watch her face lovingly, a finger reaching out to gently move a strand of hair back behind her ear. And it was those little things that gets her heart racing, such small gestures convincing her that Clarke did care, that Clarke loved her. Every look, every gesture told her that she was yearning for their love, it’s why she kept holding on. _Young foolish heart._

The blonde pulls her up towards her to sit up bringing her back from her thoughts, and brought her arms to wrapped around her neck.

“I’ve missed looking into your ridiculously green eyes Lexa,” The blonde says and starts kissing the underside of her jaw, “I missed hearing your voice,” she whispers in her ear, her voice huskier than usual. “I’ve missed this,” Crimson lips go back to brush against her mouth, and skimmed down to the side of her neck with tender, avaricious hunger. “I’ve missed it more than anything, my love.”

_My love?_

Clarke’s words floated back to her, bringing a pang of sadness, so intense her heart aches so much that she could no longer keep her stoic pretense and lowered her gaze and sighed.

“Hey,” Clarke whispers softly, lifted her chin and kisses her with such reverence that seared her to the ends of her soul, intoxicating her with the taste and scent of her. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” The blonde whispers pleadingly, absorbed by the inner exquisiteness that had always been her power over her. 

Clarke’s delicate hands reach to caress her face and she unconsciously closes her eyes just allowing herself to feel for a moment. Even if it’s just this moment. _God_ , this need, her desire for the blonde, so brutal like a drug —ruthless and intoxicating making her grip on her consciousness softening and break. 

“Some secrets are too beautiful to hide...” The blonde continues, her thumb gently stroked her cheek. “And you Lexa....you are too fucking beautiful to hide......But not anymore. I promise.” 

It’s a promise. First, only and last. Regardless of the blonde’s words, her stubborn and bruised heart did not understood —it is still not what it wants to hear. The knowledge that they’re both half naked and Clarke has not yet spoken the words of what she feels is sitting like a stone at the bottom of her heart.

Clarke leans closer to nibble at her neck and she breathes into blonde hair, just inhaling Clarke’s sweet scent, and welcomes the sweet agony of wanting the woman so desperately. 

Blue eyes boring into hers as the blonde raises her hand to trace a line from her collarbone to the back of her neck, whispering sweet things on her ear.

Her fingers skimmed slightly across the smooth skin of the blonde’s legs enjoying the sharp intake of breath that comes from Clarke’s throat under her explorative touch. Her mind already fuzzy as Clarke continues to leave a wet trail down her neck and across her collarbone making patterns with her tongue on her skin. The low heavy voice combined with the open mouthed kisses to her skin making her all lightheaded that it’s too much, but not enough. She wants more. Nearly protests when the blonde’s lips abandoned her skin seconds later.

Clarke’s swollen-kissed lips curved into a playful smirk —evidently loving and enjoying the effect she is having on her. 

She remains still —unsure how the fuck she’s still keeping some of her composure and not fucking the woman senseless already. Maybe it has to do with the fact that she wants Clarke to see that she’s changed and is no longer that young foolish girl that had her heart racing from her single touch.

“Tell me what you want, baby...” The blonde whispers seductively, and her breath feels hot against her mouth.

Her eyes follow Clarke’s movements carefully, taking particular attention as the blonde slowly lowers herself on her thigh and began to move her hips in a sensual grind, smearing her wet into her panties, seeping through the fabric down to her thigh —tempting her over the edge.

_Fuck!_ She groaned, her body feeling hotter by the second. 

Another seductive smile lit up the blonde’s lips as she drew a deep breath and took a moment to look at the woman before her. Mesmerized, she stares. Clarke, in a sinful, lacy bra that just barely covered her delectable, mouth-watering breasts, showing her all of the firm curves she’s so lusciously craving.

Her heart beats wildly in her chest at the anticipation of having Clarke after weeks of driving her into frenzy grasping the woman's ass she pulls at the blonde’s hips towards her own and peppers kisses on the woman’s cleavage. Kissing her with hunger.

“Come on baby.” Clarke whispers in her ear again and tries to continue her teasing movements. “I want to hear you say it.”

She drags a hand down Clarke’s body, kneading the soft skin of her thighs right near her heated core and with her other hand runs her nails lightly across the blonde’s small back leaving goosebumps in their wake before she whispers a simple, ‘You’.

Clarke’s entire body seeming to shiver with desire at her word, and pivots her hips, beginning a dance on her, rubbing herself on her thigh —shooting a bolt of heat straight to her core. 

Clarke’s body was hers to conquer tonight, hers to torment with endless pleasure. Mine.......... _at least for the moment_ Clarke was hers. 

She swirls her tongue against the back of the blonde’s ear, taking the woman’s earlobe in between her teeth. “ _I_ want _you_ , Klark.” She husked, the catch in Clarke’s breathing brought her mouth back to her lips, colliding in pure desire, just loosing herself in Clarke’s mouth, she didn’t want to stop.

Breathlessly, she grabs the woman’s small waist and pulled her close so that her breasts were level with her face. Large breasts heaved as the blonde fought for breath, full mounds that were threatening to spill out of the lace bra —a desperate offering, begging for her attention, pleading to be freed. 

Growling lustfully, her sinful mouth travelled between the valley of Clarke’s breasts and cups them roughly through the lingerie. The blonde arches up into her hand with a loud moan urging her on, nipples hardening and pressing into her hands. 

She reached around with all intention to unclasp the bra, but in her desperate moment of weakness she looked up into Clarke’s blues seeking permission first. She berates herself for still giving the blonde this much power when she already has her melting over her. Although she didn’t know what she’d do if the blonde denied. She couldn’t stop now even if she tried. She needed her, desperately needed to see, to touch and feel.

Fortunately, those blues mirrored her lust and desire, and Clarke nodded with a small smile of her own. She immediately unhooked the blonde’s bra, letting it slide down her arm, tossing it aside and revealing Clarke’s gorgeous firm mounds to her, making her cunt throb and speeding her into oblivion. And _Fuck.Fuck.Fuck._ Exquisite. Was the word. Clarke’s breasts were more beautiful than she had imagined. Her breasts were full, firm, and rounded, perfect globes of creamy flesh crowned with hard, pink nipples. _Exquisite._

Her mouth watered and committed the glorious sight to memory before she cradled them both in her hands, rolling them, squeezing them gently, her thumb brushing against her nipples and instantly feeling them harden under her fingertips igniting a more intense desire to ravish Clarke right there against the wall and fulfill some of her most intimate fantasies.........But not today.

A high-pitched ‘fuck’ escapes Clarke’s mouth as she gathers the tasty bud between her lips and sucks gently against it. 

“Oh..” Clarke whimpers, sliding her fingers into her hair just holding her close to her, _as if_ she’d go anywhere. “Fuck...that feels so good baby.”

Looking up at the blonde, she continues to tease with her tongue over her erect nipples, melting at the sound of the woman talking dirty to her.

The blonde’s legs tighten around her waist, desperate for more contact, letting her feel how ready she was for her. Her eyes flutter closed briefly at the feeling of the blonde’s arousal coating more of her skin. _So wet. For me._ She swelled with pride and need. 

She rubs a hand up and down Clarke’s back, marveling in the silk of her bare skin and her hungry groans rumbles through Clarke’s nipple, taking her time on each breasts with her mouth. Occasionally moves to suck on the other nipple, and continuesly massaging them with her hands. More than content to suck, lick, kiss, and nip at the mounds like she had dreamt about doing for so long. _Too damn long._

With her other hand, her nails scrapes at the sensitive skin of the blonde’s inner thigh, working their way up but not quite to where Clarke wants it. The blonde’s eyes are dilated and almost closed with lust from being on top of her, desperate, not having her way. Not having her hands or mouth moved to where she needs her the most.

She knows she is not hurting the blonde, just testing her ability to wait. Clarke not taking control and intense gaze told her she understood that.... _For now._

She could possibly take hours, she thinks, hours attending the two responsible culprits for her being here tonight and still would not had enough. If it weren’t for Clarke’s boobs that had caught her attention the day they met, she probably wouldn’t be here underneath the teacher in the first place. 

She loves boobs — _NO!_ , she loves Clarke’s beautiful breasts.......along with her ocean blue eyes ....her hair, those silky golden strands —beautiful, soft and warm. And her smile too she loved, _God_ , that smile that melts her insides. _Hell_! She loves all of Clarke. She was simultaneously scandalized and fascinated by the teacher from the first moment she saw her.

“Babe?" Clarke calls pleadingly rolling her hips forward seeking pressure to soothe the need between her legs. 

“Mmmm?” She mumbles, grounding the blonde against her front, keeping her still. Smiling she lingers on biting and sucking on the woman’s nipple ignoring her plea.

Working harder for her reciprocation the blonde cradles her face in both of her hands and starts kissing her passionately, guiding her mouth open for more intimacy. 

Their breathing deepened audibly. Her eyes closed as a loud throaty moan comes out from Clarke’s mouth. She is so turned on, wet and ready too. Her heart is pounding with excitement, she thinks she’s died and gone to Heaven and she thought she’d already been to heaven in Clarke’s mouth. 

In an excruciatingly slow pace she traces the blonde’s sides to her back, where she ran light circles across her waist and hips, feeling the throb between her own legs amplify. When her hand reaches Clarke’s mound, she finds the blonde soaked through her panties. 

She kisses the woman hard again, capturing her gasp with her mouth as she pushes the panties to the side to slid her fingers through her delicate folds, slick with her arousal. Her middle finger runs through her slit, parting the blonde’s inner lips.

“Oh my God...” The blonde panted.

Clarke’s breath is shaky, already writhes beneath her with impatience and she’s barely touched her. 

“Fuck,” She groans against the woman’s shoulder, delving her fingers into Clarke’s smooth shaven soaked pussy, pressure just short of what the blonde wants, letting the need build. “You’re so fucking wet Klark.” She says as she captures the blonde’s cry again with her mouth, trying her best to muffle her sounds.

“Please.” The blonde moans, letting her voice and eyes show the absolute depth of her need.

“Please What?” She taunts. She’s been waiting, waiting patiently for Clarke to beg.

“I need you, Lex.” The blonde husked, her voice is sultry and low and washes through her this time.

Her arm goes around the blonde and arched her small back. Lifting her to her, just holding her woman tightly against her and with unforgiving intent she slides her fingers deep inside Clarke’s thrumming pussy. 

“Ahhh!.....Mmmm-Fuck!” the blonde whimpers feeling her fingers go inside her, throwing both of her arms around her shoulder to anchor herself even more.

Lexa’s heart hammered and ears drummed as she starts moving her fingers in and out of Clarke’s tight pussy, dredged them over her throbbing clit. Loving the way her fingers fill and stretches the blonde _so fucking good_. Her head dizzy at the wet sounds Clarke’s pussy makes with each thrust of her fingers. 

For a moment she holds her breath, enthralled and her eyes fluttered at the needy moans and desperate whines spilling from Clarke’s lips. Magical to her ears. 

“Oh God!” Clarke moans, her eyes closed tight, resting her forehead against hers.

“Look at me.” She rasped, their breathing is ragged and shallow.

Clarke obeys and her eyes were fixed on hers.

“Mmmm—Fuck baby,” The blonde panted out. 

They kissed, lick and bit in a wild frenzy, as if both knew they were getting this one and only chance to experience each other. The thought nearly stopped her cold when her heart thudded in her chest. _Clarke is not yours._

She slightly shook her head and ignores it, instead her mouth moves to bite down softly on Clarke’s shoulder and rolled her jaw back and forth a little to deepen the bite, seducing her power, claiming the blonde as hers. _You’re mine Clarke. Mine._ Clarke’s hips bucked at the pressure of her making her mark on her gorgeous porcelain skin.

The blonde’s moans become louder and louder filling the room, letting the pressure overtake her, her hips are almost frantic now as she chases her release on her fingers, moving her body lower in circular motion, riding her hand so wonderfully.

Her entire body heated even more, knowing the moisture weeping from Clarke’s hot wet pussy soon will drenched her hand. When she felt the blonde’s body start to tense, she looked back into blue eyes needing to know the extent of Clarke’s need for her, pausing a moment to enjoy the flush on her woman’s cheeks as she continues to work her fingers, pumping her wrist in perfect timing with her hips. 

The vision of the blonde’s boobs bouncing with her movements and the pleasure on the blonde’s features was everything she needed to know. The firestorm of need in the seas of dark blue demanding her, demanding more and more. It was everything. 

_Everything_ In every sense of the word. 

Clarke grabbed the back of her head pulling her down for a long, smothering kiss. Breathing erratically, green locked blues in, she knows the blonde is close to reaching her peak. 

The blonde’s walls started to clenched around her fingers and at that moment she slides a third finger in next to the others, Clarke’s walls greedily clamped down on her fingers blessing her ears with a little pre-orgasmic scream. 

My God, she doesn’t want this feeling to end but like everything else in this life. It must. _It must._ She expertly curls her fingers and searches for Clarke’s sweet spot, making the blonde moan out her name out loud.

“Oh God Lexa, I’m gonna cum..” 

“Let.Go.Klark.” She encourages hoarsely, urging her woman on. 

An instant later, Clarke was gone, burying her face deep in her hair as her entire body began to spam and it’s her name that falls out of those beautiful lips at climax. 

She leaned back to capture Clarke’s lips in a deep, searing kiss silencing her loud cry. Feeling her hand drenched in Clarke’s sweet essence. 

_Holy Fuck!_ It is the most incredible thing. She shudders against Clarke's face, her fingers still and buried deep in Clarke’s pussy, riding the woman’s orgasm for as long as she could. 

Clarke still twitching from her sublime orgasm nuzzles into the space of her neck, holding onto her tightly, yet gently as if she will break, nipping at her neck.

“I love you Lexa.” Clarke breathes out softly against her skin, sending tendrils of excitement down her spine.

One beat. Two beats.......

“I love you so much.”

It was empowering, this love. 

Clarke could say a thousand things, make promise after promise and she would be sure they were all to be true. But those three syllables were the only ones that actually mattered, that truly meant anything —to her. 

Those words meant Clarke’s acceptance and willingness, the promise on which they could build a life together, on which they would build their _forever_ in this lifetime and the next. 

She pulls back an inch or two to meet Clarke’s hooded gaze; looks straight into those deep blue eyes and the message coming from Clarke’s blues pleaded to leave it alone, screamed _I am here. I love you. Love me._ Feeling the strength of her love for her radiating over her, warming her body and heart. 

But.......she couldn’t say it back. Maybe Clarke had been right and everything _is_ different now.

She couldn’t. Not after how her confession had been rejected in previous circumstances. Not after everything that has happened, what she has gone through.

After what seems to be like an eternity, almost breathless, her lips skimmed across the blonde’s cheek to her ear, breathing in her sweet scent. 

“I was scared too Clarke....” She starts to say, her voice holds a tone of sharp anger and nuzzles her face into Clarke’s neck feeling the blonde’s body shuddered as she whispers the next words close to her ears, “I heard you the first time you told me. I was never gonna let go......”

Clarke pulls back from her but does not dare to look at her. For a moment she was almost overcome by the urge to shout and shake her a little.

_SAY SOMETHING!!_

But nothing came.

“ _All **I**_ needed was for you to hold on....But _you_ didn’t, so why should I now?” She pushed her point even further. 

In this moment; she has nothing, nothing left to give, nothing more to say, nothing left to offer. Yet, here she is, fingers drenched in Clarke’s essence, allowing the blonde to hope for a second like she did once. 

They’d been nothing but sex tonight, and Clarke could see that now, that she’d deluded herself. Soft blue eyes flutter briefly, glistening with unshed tears, and stares into nothing before dropping her gaze.

A sudden sharp stab of dissapoinment hits her. She believes it’s what most people call..... _regret_. She suddenly feels as though she might be sick, and hates herself in this moment and more than anything wishes she could trade places with Clarke. She’s already been there so she knows what it’s like. 

She knows; all too well she knew that this, _all of this_ was a sacred privilege. Clarke allowing herself such vulnerability and her taking advantage of it all.

Her heart beating at a hundred miles to nothing. 

It was weakness, this love.

*

*

*


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys. I totally meant to post this earlier but work is kicking my butt these past few days. But thank you so much for reading, your comments I love. And As said before this story is totally Clexa end-game. I’m so sorry I’m hurting all of your feelings or so-sorry that some have even lost faith in the story. But I live for the angst in my stories. Sad. Oh I know. Thanks again and Enjoy!
> 
> Step Three.

\-------------------

_"One day it happens. You’re standing somewhere and you realize you don’t want to be any of those around you. You just want to run away. Get the hell out of wherever you are. And suddenly it happens. Something clicks. And you know that things are going to change. They’ve changed already. And they’ll never be the same again. Never. And when it happens, you know…......"_

\-------------------

__

_“I was scared too Clarke....” She starts to say, her voice holds a tone of sharp anger and nuzzles her face into Clarke’s neck feeling the blonde’s body shuddered as she whispers the next words close to her ears, “I heard you the first time you told me. I was never gonna let go......”_

__

_Clarke pulls back from her but does not dare to look at her. For a moment she was almost overcome by the urge to shout and shake her a little._

__

_SAY SOMETHING!!_

__

_But nothing came._

__

_“ _All **I**_ needed was for you to hold on....But _you_ didn’t, so why should I now?” She pushed her point even further. _

__

_In this moment; she has nothing, nothing left to give, nothing more to say, nothing left to offer. Yet, here she is, fingers drenched in Clarke’s essence, allowing the blonde to hope for a second like she did once._

__

_They’d been nothing but sex tonight, and Clarke could see that now, that she’d deluded herself. Soft blue eyes flutter briefly, glistening with unshed tears, and stares into nothing before dropping her gaze._

__

_A sudden sharp stab of dissapoinment hits her. She believes it’s what most people call..... _regret_. She suddenly feels as though she might be sick, and hates herself in this moment and more than anything wishes she could trade places with Clarke. She’s already been there so she knows what it’s like. _

__

_She knows; all too well she knew that this, _all of this_ was a sacred privilege. Clarke allowing herself such vulnerability and her taking advantage of it all._

__

_Her heart beating at a hundred miles to nothing._

__

_It was weakness, this love._

__

*

*

In Clarke’s eyes, Lexa was still one of the strongest person she’d ever met. The brunette was the bravest, the most honest, loving and pure of all. And in this moment here was Lexa, sitting vulnerable in front of her with what was the slightest hint of tears in her green eyes, and the tiniest tremble in her hands, it was as if the brunette had ripped her broken heart out of her chest and now was holding it in her hand waiting for her to piece it back together.

Her heart aches, it feels as though the walls of her chest are closing on her heart, squeezing it painfully, realizing how much of an idiotic coward she has been to have pushed Lexa to the edge of despair, hatred and resentment, and nothing more to give. Lexa who had done nothing but poured her heart out, worshiped her like a Goddess, offered her her unconditional love and all she’s done until this moment, was hide safely behind the walls she’s built for years, refusing to admit out loud she loved her; until _she thought_ it was safe enough for her. And for that, Lexa had to completely stripped her off of her clothes.

She’s.... _humiliated_. The brunette’s behavior makes her feel diminished as a woman. It’s insulting as a woman really, a low blow in more ways than one but she is quite sure........ _she deserves it_. 

No other woman does. But.... _you do_.

Suddenly, she is hit with the strange feeling that somehow right here is where everything stops. Right here is where she is learning to be who she is. And that maybe Lexa is the future of her past and perhaps she is just to be a memory of Lexa’s future. 

“I’m sorry—” 

Was all she could say, and the words escaped her in a small sob; hoping with her whole heart that this time the brunette would take it. It was all she could hope for.

“No...” The brunette whispers and brought her trembling fingers against her lips. “Shhhhhh….dont.” She coaxed, stroking her cheek softly. “I shouldn’t have. God, I’m-I shouldn’t have Clarke...”

 _You’re sorry. You’re still here. This is not who you are._ Words failed the brunette but her gorgeous forest green eyes tell her everything. Lexa wants forgiveness, she also knows the brunette is headstrong and if she pulls away from her now, she will lose her for good. She doesn’t want that, she can’t let that happen. 

“ _I’m_ sorry...” Lexa says quietly holding her face in one hand and brushed the curls on the side of her head with the other. “I’m so sorry Clarke.”

“No....No.” A small shake of her head accompanied her words. 

Lexa had nothing to apologize for. She did this. She caused this. She had turned her into this. She never meant to but she did. Clarke wraps her arms around the girl bringing her close to her and Lexa snuggles even closer, her body is warm and comforting. Lexa then burrows her face into the crook of her neck, and she could feel her lips softly graze her skin and the loud beat of her heart against hers.

“I’m an asshole Clarke, please forgive me....” The brunette murmurs, her voice sounding like velvet, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She repeated fervently kissing the bite mark she’d made on her shoulder and her blue eyes closed slowly at hearing the words. “God, I do lov—...” At the last bit, a small sob escapes the girl, unable to go on.

“I know baby,” She soothes just above a whisper and clutched the girl tighter as Lexa’s tears start to wet her skin. “I know.” She breathes heavily into long wild curls, inhaling her sweet scent.

Both lost in their perfect embrace, her hand took up a slow caress against the brunette’s spine and whispers, "I love you, I love you so much.” She loves her. She loves her so much.

They held each other for some time in silence and she wonders how did they let this slipped through their hands? This love...

”Do you ever stop and think of how different all of this could’ve been?” Lexa asked quietly a moment later, her voice is low and rough.

Her heart thudded in her chest at hearing the words and she is sure Lexa has felt it too.

The question melts her heart but at the same time it scares her. It makes her imagine of a life with Lexa, of lazy Sundays underneath white sheets and Lexa’s warm flesh —the taste of her mouth, the scent of her skin and the feel of her gentle touch every single morning for the rest of her life. _My God,_ she wants it, she wants it all. But the fear eventually chases the thought from her head and she stops to think about what exactly the brunette is saying. 

She stares at the girl, her own heart is pounding so loudly and she asks herself why is it that Lexa still can’t hear it? 

But how do they go back from this? She knows that both of their hearts have been brutally bruised, and although the scars will remain, their wounds can still heal, in time. _We’re here. In this moment. We could start over and be together forever if they truly wanted to....._

“All the time.” She answers in an unsteady whisper. 

“So do I.” Lexa murmurs and the longing in the brunette’s voice makes her heart drop.

“Let me fix this—” She attempts, unable to finish her sentence as the brunette put her fingers to her lips to stop her from talking.

Lexa’s face was calm, her eyes still betrays a flicker of deep sorrow and fear behind their green. But there’s still love in them, the brunette is looking at her with so much passion and love, tracing the contours of her face with trembling fingertips already making her pulse spike.

“Do you actually think we can go back? As if nothing happened?” Lexa asks quietly.

“No.” She says softly meeting the brunette’s astounding green eyes. “I - _We_ can’t pretend as if tonight did not happen...” She continues, and sees the brunette’s gaze drop, “But...” she held her chin with two fingers, forcing her to meet her gaze again, “What I do know....is that I don’t want to go back Lexa because now I know —I know what I want....and I want _you_.” She admitted after a moment slipping a hand around the nape of her neck and takes Lexa’s mouth in a demanding kiss that steals the breath from her lungs and Lexa responds without hesitation, her mouth is soft and hard at the same time on hers.

Breathless, the brunette rested her head against hers and caressed the side of her face lovingly. 

"I need you to know....I did not come here to take advantage..." 

She pressed her lips to the top of Lexa’s head. “Of course baby.” She murmured before moving to brush her lips ever so softly against the brunette’s. “I know you didn’t.” She whispers again and her mouth came down, this time crushing her lips in a kiss which fused their souls into one. It was soft and warm.

She didn't know when the kiss started to turn desperate but it did, making every nerve in her body buzzed with life. Her lips. Her drug. Addictive. 

Hauling in a deep breath, she pulls back just enough to gaze down at the brunette and green eyes are dark with so much longing and unmistakable hunger. Is this all they have left? She wonders. It couldn’t be. But even if it was, it’s still more than she could have ever hoped for, more than having nothing at all and she’ll take it. In fact, she welcomes it. 

She nodded and with one show of strength, Lexa lifts her and gently sets her down on her back, immediately positioning above her as she unfolded underneath with a soft chuckle. She’s missed this, missed her.

“Not fair, but I’ll allow it.” She protests, trying to be playful. 

The corners of Lexa’s bright green eyes crinkle as she smiles down at her and the sight does very strange things to the pit of her stomach, giving her even more butterflies that all she wants to do is press her mouth against the brunette’s for another searing kiss. And she does, she kisses Lexa with everything she has. Plunging her tongue into her sweet mouth, pouring ‘I love you’s’ and ‘I love you’s’ in their kiss. 

“Klark...” Lexa calls breathlessly.

And _God,_ does she _have_ to say her name in that manner? She opens her eyes and right away notes the faint frown pinching the skin between Lexa’s perfect eyebrows. She worries, but tries her best to keep it well hidden. 

“I can’t promise anything beyond.......”

Her throat tightens and her heart aches. 

“Shhh.” She brushes her fingertips over Lexa’s lips.

_She knows._

The words won’t come out but her gaze doesn’t waver. _Of course_ , she already knows. There are far more secrets between them still, and a lot more to say —all their implications are still hanging between them. As it’s always been when it comes to them. She knows what her heart wants and Lexa understands her desire, although the sting of what just happened still weighs heavily on her chest, the pull she feels towards the brunette is stronger than anything. 

She runs a finger along her jaw and watches the brunette as she stares into her eyes. They’re both here, in each other’s arms —naked and they’ve wasted so much time on pointless over thinking that she is just....... _exhausted_. She cannot bear to waste another minute —another second even of this precious moment. Not with the possibility that it may be her only and last chance.

In one single and smooth move, she rolled Lexa onto her back. Effectively pinning the brunette to the bed with her body, and marvels at her face for a moment.

“Just.....let me love you tonight.” She whispers unsteadily against her mouth, barely touching her lips to her mouth. “Please.”

The brunette responds immediately by reclaiming her mouth with ravenous need and she gladly endeavoured to soothe her troubled mind. There was no holding, or going back now as her entire form pressed weightily against the girl. 

Taking the brunette’s mouth again this time on a slow quiet journey, their kiss is soft as a whisper. Lexa’s lips were soft and moist meeting each thrust of her tongue with equal strength, delving in and just exploring, both seeking and finding the same answer. 

She balances her weight on her elbows and starts pressing light kisses along Lexa’s sharp jawline and down her neck trying to catch her breath then back to her trembling lips, her hands do not race to excite, they moved with much exquisite patience only to seduce her lover. Lexa felt so fucking good.....

"I never stopped missing you..." she tells the younger girl, pressing her lips to her because now she could, now she could tell Lexa how much she wanted her, love her. “Not even for a second Lexa.”

Eventually her lips leave the brunette’s to begin an exploration of her throat and she hears Lexa’s breath hitch in her throat, her lips then land on her pulse point, feeling the brunette’s heart rate quickened.

Lexa runs her fingers gently through her hair trying to encourage her. But _Oh, no_ , she wouldn’t be hurried, she couldn’t rush this wonderful moment on which there was no one else, no teacher and student, no past, no future, just now. This moment. Just Lexa and Clarke. 

Her tongue continued to tease the sensitive points on the brunette’s neck and shoulders, moving slowly but deliberately downward. Her hands stroked up her ribcage, thumbs never quite reaching her taut nipples as they gently caressed the sides of her breasts. Until she couldn’t wait anymore she finally took them in her hands, learning their weight and shape, as her tongue slid down her breastbone. She thought at how Lexa’s breasts were made perfectly for her small hands and hers for Lexa’s. They were a perfect fit, no doubt about it. They’re meant to be. The brunette gasps, desperate for more, her whole body quivering under her touch. 

“You’re perfect Lex.” She whispers before her palms move over to her nipples and feels how stiff they have become on her touch, rolling one softly between her fingertips and the brunette shudders. Grasping them and kneading them. Her lips gently caressed her nipple and lovingly rolled the other one between her thumb and forefinger. Lexa reached under her and hefted her breasts in her hands, rolling her nipples between her nimble fingers eliciting a loud moan from her. But she reminded herself _this_ was not about her, this was not about sex, this was about making love to Lexa. 

After having her fun, she starts a new trail of kisses down Lexa’s navel rejoicing in the subtle tremor that ripples through the younger girl. A small smile crepted over her face at Lexa’s insistence and continued the slow journey her mouth was taking to each of her sharp hipbones, the silken skin on the inside of her thigh. She sees Lexa biting her lip now in a readily failing attempt to keep quiet. She didn’t think the brunette be this shy. She smiled again, smile, enamored.

She kissed a line from Lexa’s abs up her chest, making her way back to her lips, locking eyes with the girl before their lips meet. 

She broke away from the kiss; “I want to taste you baby.” she husked biting down on Lexa’s lower lip lightly and pulling it between her teeth making the brunette moan.

She then rose on unsteady legs, and Lexa propped herself up in order to watch her which turned her on even more. Keeping her eyes locked on her lover she hooked her thumbs under the thin fabric that made up her now ruined panties, slid it down her legs seductively and threw them somewhere behind her. 

She paused, her eyes began raking up and down the brunette’s trim form for a moment, just drinking the beauty in before she finally reached to slid Lexa’s underwear off, revealing a small patch of neatly trimmed curls above an otherwise bare pussy, glistening and begging for her attention.

Clarke was transfixed for a moment and shudders in anticipation. _Fuck._ She meets a darker shade of green for a moment and her breath caught in her throat seeing the same hunger she is feeling. Knowing that neither of them can hold out much longer. 

“God Lexa,” she admonished and shook her head. “You. Are. Fucking beautiful.”

A _fucking_ Goddess is what Lexa was. _A Goddess,_ Indeed. Utter perfection. Luscious body, her soft skin glowing, smooth as ivory, sweet curves in all the right places, those long legs... _God_ , she wanted to taste her.....she had been fantasizing about it for too long to deny herself that pleasure any longer. With bent legs, thighs spread and deliciously naked and ready above her —Lexa was now all hers.

She hopped on back, gently spreading Lexa’s legs wider, kissing the back of her knees and snaking back up on the inside of her thighs. The fresh smell of the brunette was pure woman. She meets her gaze again and without breaking eye contact she leaned in closer to her dripping center, slowly, incrementally closer until she was able to deliver _the most_ intimate of kisses. 

Ever so slowly she ran the tip of her tongue lightly through her folds, collecting the brunette’s essence on her tongue, tasting its sweetness. Intoxicating and wild.

"Klark..." The brunette moans, rocking her hips upward trying to draw her lips to where she so desperately needed her.

And the way Lexa said her name, _God_ , it twisted her in knots. Kneeling between her spread legs, she lays her arm across the brunette’s belly holding her still and her other hand reached up to stroke her nipples and twist them before she took the intimate kiss more deeply.

“Mmmmm....you taste so good.” Humming low in her throat as she dipped back.

With slow and lazy strokes she teased the tight bud of her clit, already swollen; and each time she’d rubbed it Lexa let out a purring sound that was driving her crazy.

“Fuck!” She whispered ardently as she runs her hand over the brunette’s thigh, and placed her leg over her shoulder bringing her thumb up to circle the bundle of nerves. 

Dipping her head, she captures the bud with her mouth again and began stroking her with her tongue. She kept her tongue soft and flat as she moved maddeningly slow against Lexa’s wet core. Not delaying the inevitable a second longer, giving the brunette’s engorged clit a parting kiss, she used her fingers to spread her swollen lips apart, spreading her completely. Then lowers her mouth onto her again and this time, tasting all of Lexa with a slow, deliberate lap from bottom to top and the brunette erupted with involuntary moans. 

Lexa’s graceful back was a deep arch now. Despite her attempt to surrender all control to her, the brunette was not a patient woman as she bucks her hips into her mouth. She smiles against her hot wet mound. 

Seconds later Lexa’s hands instinctively came down and tangled in her blonde tresses. She glanced up taking in the erotic sight of the brunette staring down at her, sexy low moans, mouth parted in panted breath, flushed cheeks. Breathtaking. Her own thighs clenched together from the sounds, her own pussy slick with arousal, her body burning with a need to satisfy. 

“Oh Fuck-fuck...” Lexa trails off in a string of incoherent words, encouraging her.

Her tongue buries itself inside the brunette, slipping past her entrance and lapping her up. Lexa is dripping, she moans at her taste, her juices drip out onto her lips and chin as she continues fucking her with her tongue. She then presses her thumb on the brunette’s clit hard, her pace picking up, mouth working furiously, her head bobbing in time to Lexa’s bucking hips. Providing as much sensation as she could.

She looks up to find the brunette with her eyes closed, teeth biting on her bottom lip savoring. But she wanted her to see, she wanted the brunette to remember her long after this night. Clarke wanted every moment Lexa spent in her arms tonight to be imprinted on her brain forever. She wanted every touch, every caress, every kiss to be felt keenly throughout her body.

Slipping one finger between the folds teasing her entrance at first, then two inside her in quick succession, finding the perfect rhythm.

“Clarke.” The brunette breathily whispered, rocking her hips.

"Lex, look at me baby. I want to see you." She husked. 

When Lexa’s eyes finally came to rest on her own, the passion, love and trust she saw there ignited a fire along her own body. Thrusting her fingers in and out, lips went back and wrapped around the brunette’s clit and flicked her tongue as fast as she could, and immediately feels Lexa’s legs tighten and raised up.

She finishes her lover off with one last, hard suck, bringing all of it into her mouth, her tongue grazing over the top of the swollen nub, curling her fingers and finding the right spot making Lexa’s toes curl. Her heart beats frantically in her chest. 

A split second later, Lexa was sinking her head into the pillow and tightening her grip on her hair, whimpering, pleading, and moaning incoherently as she worked her higher and higher until, with a final long, hard suck against her clit, she had the brunette into the abyss of screaming her name. 

It was another life. Lexa pouring herself into her mouth, a blissful reality. 

_Heaven_.

No, it was..... _Three Steps Above Heaven._

This is where she belongs, right here with Lexa and the rest of the world be damn for all she cared she thought as she stayed buried deep inside Lexa, rejoicing in the blissful haze of the moment until the last of the brunette's spasms eased, taking the time to decadently lick her clean.

She patiently waited for her lover to come back to her before she starts to make her way up, pressing kisses against her skin. Lexa shivers unable to wait for her she pulls her up for a passionate kiss and groans as she tasted herself on her mouth.

She lets out her breath in a long soft sigh, resting her hips against the brunette, delighting in the little aftershocks still dancing along Lexa’s body. 

She smiles, content watching the final haze of orgasm leave those perfect green pools and leaned in closer to lay a longer, sweeter kiss to the brunette’s plump lips.

"Wow," Lexa husked.

She chuckled pressing her whole body against the brunette’s and giving a soft kiss to the hollow beneath Lexa’s ear before whispering seductively, “And that is just the beginning.” 

She pecks the brunette’s lips with a smile then moves to rest her forehead head against Lexa’s and the brunette pulls her body even closer, sliding a hand up along her spine, letting her nails scrape her skin until she shudders against her capturing her lips once again in a passionate kiss. God, she loved the feel of the her touch on her skin. Loved the way Lexa’s naked body felt wrapped around hers. What they shared couldn’t be duplicated with anyone else. _With.No.One._

The brunette then manages to roll her over so that she could be on top of her without breaking their kiss, sliding one thigh between her legs pushing in to her slick center carefully, testing her sensitivity, and _Oh boy_ is she ready. She was shamelessly soaked and ready.

“Oh.” She gasped in pleasures at the sudden change of position, and arched more into Lexa’s body, trying to gain more friction against her wet core. 

“You feel amazing Clarke, ” The brunette spoke seductively, whispering into her ear before moving her lips down her neck. “Do you know how many nights I dreamed of holding you in my arms just like this?” The brunette whispers again making her eyes fluttered and pulse speed up underneath her tongue, their desperate kisses only intensifying. 

She sighs with contentment as Lexa’s lips trail their way down her neck, between the valley of her breasts, and downward along her stomach.

 “Beautiful.” 

Anyone could call her beautiful but there is just something in the way Lexa says it that makes her chest feel as if it is going to burst open. Lexa kisses her cheek, then moves to suck lightly on the spot behind her ear; her breath tickles her ear and she shivers, knowing very well that Lexa loves to take advantage of that special area, it is her weak spot. 

She moans so very softly and her hand sinks in the brunette’s hair. It had been quite sometime since anyone has touched her like this and it feels amazing. The feeling driving her insane.

Unexpectedly, the brunette brings her hand down her mound and cups her.

“Oh Fuck!” She moaned loudly shutting her eyes and letting her head fall back on the pillow.

"Clarke. You have to be quiet," Lexa whispers huskily against her neck.

“I’m trying,” she panted as the brunette continues to move slowly; gentle and lucid against her. She spreads her legs wider, allowing Lexa better access.

“Fuck...You’re so wet Klark.” 

“That's just what you do to me Lex.” She husked against the brunette’s lips and her hand tangles in Lexa’s hair. 

"As much as I would love to hear you...." Lexa whispers, her mouth is hot against hers, “...we have to.” Lexa panted before she palmed at her clit, and she chokes into Lexa’s mouth letting out a loud cry.

The brunette shifts her weight and slowly rides her thigh, bringing her index finger to graze along her sex, joining her middle finger and letting her set the pace. She moves against the brunette’s hand so wantonly she'd be ashamed how desperate but she can't because this is Lexa, the one who she shamelessly flirted with, the one who stole her heart, the one she loves and the one that loves her with just the same intensity. She trembled with desire and want for Lexa. 

Soon, they're making love to the fullest extent. Bodies intertwined and moving together in a magnificent dance, arching, clawing, squeezing, biting and kissing like young lovers. Lexa’s fingers are strong and insistent at her core, caressing her so expertly she can't help but comply, leaving her immobilized. She is at Lexa’s mercy, Lexa’s exceptional fucking. 

The feel of the brunette’s body over her, her lips encouraging at her neck and Lexa’s own wetness all served to raise her desire to reach her orgasm. Her teeth find their favorite spot on the brunette’s shoulder and set in as both of their bodies spasm against one another, wave after wave of ecstasy flowing over her body like warm honey.

"I love you, pretty girl." She whispers after the intensity subsides, pressing her lips to the brunette’s, drinking the sweetness of her kiss and conveying her love with each soft brush of her lips......

 

_“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.” Leo Buscaglia_

 

 

 

An hour later, more or less or more, she’s lost track really, they were still in bed, naked and limbs entwined. Lexa’s beautiful chestnut hair is splayed across the pillow, unkempt and untame, sheets tangled and with multiple orgasms that had tired them.

With eyes closed the brunette lightly trails her fingertips down her back as she listens to the gentle rise and fall of her breath, her own fingers lightly tracing patterns against the brunette’s flesh. They didn't want to stop touching each other, well, _she_ didn’t want to stop touching the brunette, afraid to let go, afraid of what else to come. Her skin sparked everywhere they’d touched. Her body was still singing from the way the brunette had made love to her. 

She looks up at the girl, her heart ached with such love and such sadness. In this moment, she wanted nothing more than to close her eyes and fall asleep in Lexa’s arms, and wake up surrounded by her warmth. But her fears had kept her eyes open, too afraid that if she were to close them, next time she’d opened them Lexa would not be there. 

The brunette’s face is so calm and peaceful and beautiful. As she watches her, she realizes she loves everything about Lexa and she doesn’t want this feeling to never end. She continues to stare at her lover in silence, those green eyes stay closed but the smirk that appears on the girl’s face seconds later tell her that, yes, Lexa knows she’s staring.

“You’re staring Clarke.” Lexa managed to mumble in her half-sleep state.

Feeling a burst of energy she kisses her way up to Lexa’s neck and she just can't help herself when she leans forward to press her lips softly against Lexa’s.

“I am.” She smiles propping herself up on her elbow with her left leg draped casually over Lexa’s and continues to stares at her lover’s beautiful face. She tried not to sigh when she speaks again. “How could I not when you are the view?”

Lexa’s mouth twitched before opening one eye to look at her and she gives the girl a rueful, teasing look. 

“Smooth. Real smooth.” Lexa lets out a soft chuckle, eyes starting to flutter open, the sleepy haze fading away as she becomes more awake.

She could barely contain a grin as she thought about how their time together had started.

“I had to, Miss ‘ _you’re Giraffin’ me crazy_ ’.” She replies quietly dragging a thumb across the brunette’s lips while the girl stared at her. _No_ , while those gorgeous green examined her in the same way _she_ couldn't stop looking at her. 

“Admit it, _you_ loved it.” Lexa gives her a smile that fills her head to toe with that crazy love feeling. “You were just trying to be difficult.”

At that, they both chuckled and she feels such a rush of emotion.

“I kept it you know.” She murmured with a happy sigh. 

“Did you?” 

“Of course I did.” She mumbles into Lexa’s shoulder, lightly biting it, teasingly. “It’s one of my favorite pieces and it’s sitting right in my studio.” She grinned.

Green eyes roam her face with a smile on her lips as though trying to memorize her features. But something in Lexa’s green orbs tell her that there is still something that needs to be said, that there is still pain inside, desire, longing.

The brunette brings her closer to rest her head on her chest, then brushes her lips across her forehead, as a comfortable silence falls between them.

“I could talk to Anya—”

“You don’t need to do that....” Lexa interrupts her, her voice was little more than a whisper with a quaver in it.

“I do. I want to.” She propped herself up again and pressed a kiss to the brunette’s jaw when she heard her sigh, “I don’t want to hide anymore Lexa, I want us to—”

“Okay.” The brunette said softly, and smiled faintly.

“Okay?” She stares at Lexa, confused at the sudden change. “Do you not want this?”

“I do.” The brunette responds abruptly, propping herself up.

“Then?” 

A long silence ensued as green eyes bored into hers and the silence stretches. This was it. She thought. This is the moment where everything changes. This is where it ends and they say goodbye.

“Talk to me Lexa.” She whispers and her voice cracked slightly almost as much as her heart is. “Please.” She reached out to softly caress the brunette’s cheek, unable to resist the opportunity to touch her once more.

The brunette looks at her sadly and she could almost hear the constriction of her throat—hear how hard it was for the brunette to swallow as she began to speak.

“I’m....” There is a pause, her heart threatens to break from her chest, “I’m afraid, Clarke.” Lexa whispers, fear evident. “I’m scared that tomorrow when you wake up you’ll regret all of this.....For so long it had only been thoughts and dreams and....” 

Lexa is afraid, same fear as hers. She closes her eyes, overwhelmed by the swell of emotions that floods her heart in this moment. She wants to scream, shout that she loves her and she’ll be here today, tomorrow and the next day and for as long as she wants her to be but she won’t do that now as this is the first time Lexa has ever expressed her feelings. She won’t make the same mistakes this second chance she’s been given. This time she’ll listen. She’ll listen to her lover’s needs, thoughts and feelings.

Her hand captures Lexa’s fluttering one, fingers weaving with hers as their hands blended to become one. Holding the brunette steady; firmly yet gently, reassuring.

“And now you’re actually here with me in my arms and it feel surreal...that I'm half afraid I'll wake up tomorrow to nothing....nothing at all.”

Reaching for Lexa’s other hand, she brought it to her chest, placing it over her heart and whispers, “I love you,” She declares gently, examining the depths of Lexa green eyes before she continues, “I’m not going anywhere Lexa. I also can’t believe you’re here...” she said quietly with a thread of wonder in her voice and the brunette takes her hand to her lips placing a soft kiss. “I, too Lexa, have imagined it many times baby...Too many, that I’m also afraid this is all a dream. And if it is baby, at least we’re living it together.” 

She leans in and kisses the brunette fiercely, and Lexa’s hand quickly tangles in her hair, holding her close. She rolls on top of her and enjoys the feeling of her naked chest against hers, their legs entwined. Lexa’s free hand caressing the dip of her waist, the small of her back. She presses against her just a little - just enough for Lexa to exhale loudly in appreciation.

Her lips gently brush against Lexa’s a second time as she added in a low, enticing, whisper “I love you Lexa.”

Smiling again, both leaned to let their lips press gently against each other’s, conveying their love with each soft brush of her lips.

Afterwards, exhausted in their joy as their breathing quieted Lexa stretches out behind her under the covers, long legs tangling with hers. Lexa’s hand eventually slides over her hip, coming to rest on her stomach and pulls her even closer. She hears the brunette sighed contentedly as she snuggles against her; her body fits perfectly into the curve of her. Lexa’s embrace feels so right, she thought. 

The heat of the brunette begins to seep into her skin, warming her right down to her bones. The steady beat of Lexa’s heart soothes her, suddenly making her eyelids feel very heavy until she starts to drift towards the delicious oblivion of sleep.

 

*

 

In silence, Lexa lets her eyes take in the sight of the beautiful blonde for a moment before brushing her lips on the back of Clarke’s neck. 

She smiles, loving how the blonde tries to edge closer to her in her sleep - no matter how close they already are and she tightens her arms around Clarke, inhales the exquisite scent of the love of her life, breathing it deep within herself — trying to imprint her scent, her taste, her touch on her brain for those times in the future when all she would have would be... _memories_.

“I love you too Clarke.” She whispers softly and lies awake in the darkness long after Clarke has fallen in deep sleep, smiling through her silent tears.

Some people say the worst type of crying is the silent one. The one where all you want to do is scream but you can't. In her case. 

_It’s true_.

__

\----------

__

_

“Suddenly you realize that everything is over, really. There is no going back, you feel it. And then you try to remember at what point it all began, and you discover it all started before you thought. Long before, and it’s at that moment; you realize things only happen once. And no matter how hard you try, you’ll never feel the same again.........

You’ll never have the feeling of being three meters above the sky.”

_


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve come in ✌(-‿-)✌  
> I’m so sorry for the wait you guys but I was assigned to a very important project at work and the traveling got ridiculous. But I have not forgotten and will continue this story.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading. Hope you all enjoy!

∞ ∞ ∞ 

//

 

Slowly Clarke wakes to warm rays of sunshine shimmering through the windows. Her body feeling desperately tired and deliciously sore. She blinks adjusting her eyes as the bright sunshine lit up the entire room and seconds were all it took for her to realize it had not been a dream, she was still wrapped in the safety of the brunette’s arms.

She lets herself have a tiny smile before she looked up to see if the girl was awake yet but Lexa was still sleeping peacefully. So beautiful, she thought. Today was the first morning she woke up next to her—the first of many; _she hoped_.

She squeezed her eyes shut, burying her face against lexa’s neck, breathing her in, and trying to hold onto their night for just a moment more. 

She propped herself up in one arm to silently take in her gorgeous features. And there she was —Lexa, the eighteen year old girl who had sneaked past all her defenses. **The one** who had completely stolen her heart. Unconditionally.

Falling into a trance-like state, she quietly watched the brunette sleep. Lexa laid with her leg slightly bent at the knee, white sheets barely covering the bottom half of her naked body, leaving her beautiful chest fully exposed to her delight. 

Lexa looked peaceful with her long wild chestnut curls splayed across the white pillow case, her smooth tan colored skin, those long sexy eyelashes and perfect soft mouth. By God, she thought Lexa looks even more exquisite this morning if that's even possible. She was magnificent. An exquisite work of art.

She breathed in deeply and sighed in a state of peace, that feeling of total bliss settled her entire body. But as it came it was quickly replaced by something else —fear, worry. Her mind quickly swarmed with questions and anticipation. _How would Lexa react this morning? Would she ask her to leave?_

_‘I can’t promise beyond this moment.’_ The brunette had said the previous night. _What did she mean by this?_

God knows, she wants it all with her, she knew what she was hoping for and is more than ready to give the girl everything she had and more. Lexa was truly it for her, she’s known all along, but had been too afraid to admit it to herself and the world.

She blinked twice and gave a quick, short shake of her head as if she needed it to clear her thoughts. No more being afraid, no more running........

_This moment. Right here._

Unable to resist any longer, she reached out to caress the warm smooth flesh very gently with a limp wrist and delicate fingertips. Her eyes wandered the exposed skin, noticing how she may have gotten a little carried away in her passion the previous night seeing the numerous love bites of various sizes she’d left on Lexa’s body. It all gave her a perverse sort of pleasure —to know that it was her who had given it to her, where her mouth had been.

Her fingers skimmed the brunette’s collarbone down to the valley between her breasts making the sleeping girl stirred slightly and she relishes the little shiver Lexa gives beneath her fingers. 

Her eyes moved and locked onto the brunettes face, wanting to enjoy and commit to memory that first moment when Lexa would open her eyes and saw her, storing it away to cherish later.

Slowly, a small smile curved the brunette’s lips before her radiant eyes flew opened. Those gorgeous sea green eyes meeting her gaze, captivating her and making her wish she could capture that smile in a sketch this very instant. Although she thought, her artistic hand could not even do justice to Lexa’s beauty, no artist could.

Her heart swells with so much love, and she swore this moment, she wants nothing more from this day forward than to wake up to Lexa’s green eyes for the rest of her life. 

Finding no look of distance in the girl’s eyes the way there had been the previous night she offers a small smile, loving the genuine smirk on the brunette’s face. 

“Like what you see?” Lexa asked giving her a cocky flirtatious smile; this time, more excitedly than she thinks she's seen the brunette in a while.

And boy, it has her grinning to herself while rolling her eyes. She’s missed this overly challenging, playful and cocky side of Lexa.

“Oh! _Do I_?” She said batting her eyelashes while hiding her goofy grin on the brunette’s shoulder. She feels fifteen all over again and it feels like the most amazing thing in the world. 

Lexa’s body shook with a silent laughter, before shifting onto her side to face her and stared deep into her eyes, baring her soul, hoping she'd see what was in her heart.

And all Clarke could do was smile, hoping to reassured her.

“Hi.” Lexa breathes moments after.

“Morning,” She whispers, her smile stretches from ear to ear. 

As if not enough, she snuggles closer to the brunette so their bodies were now touching once again. Both didn’t speak for what seemed like ages but in reality it was probably a minute or two just gazing at each other the whole time, eyes bouncing around on each other’s faces like they can’t find a place to land; as if both were unable to believe the incredible reality of being in each other’s arms once again. 

"How’d you sleep?” She hoarse a whisper breaking the comfortable silence.

The brunette’s response came in ghost of a whisper; “Perfect.” Said Lexa and continues to stare at her with such intensity that makes her lungs stop working altogether for a second. 

Feeling confident she slid her hand to rub at the soft spot of skin over the brunette’s hip. “Thank you.” She rasped, her voice still sleep-heavy, caressing the soft skin.

Lexa gives her with a confused expression on her face. 

“What for?” The brunette asked, as green eyes study her with unsettling intent, making her stomach flutter inside more when her elegant fingers reached to smooth her hair back. 

“For being here...” She confessed. 

Her blue eyes ran over the beauty of Lexa’s face, tracing every inch of the brunette’s features. Once finding the courage, she leaned in to finally give the brunette a small kiss at the corner of her mouth gently. 

”For staying,” she added then, words are mumbled against plump lips. “For everything.” She sighs, utterly content in the blissful warmth. 

“You don’t have to thank me. I’m here because I want to.” The brunette promised.

She offers the girl a soft smile before claiming her delicate lips once more in a small, sweet and simple good-morning kiss, gratified when Lexa settles into it with a long, languid sigh. 

_God,_ She couldn’t think of anyplace on earth she’d rather be right now, _really_. She loves this girl and she couldn’t get enough, being in Lexa’s arms again truly felt like paradise. She wanted to melt and completely be absorbed through the pores of her skin.

Breaking the kiss she starts trailing her mouth around the brunette’s jaw down to her throat until her lips find her pulse point, there she placed a gentle kiss where Lexa’s heart beats strong and nuzzles her nose into her neck.

Reaching out for her waist possessively, like Lexa’s always had, the brunette pulls her to be on top of her, tightening her arms around her body. 

“Oooh,” She giggles, instantly melting against her lover, her breasts firmly pressed against hers. 

She balances her weight onto her elbows as she presses open-mouthed kisses under Lexa’s jaw. The brunette then tilts her head, opening the area to her lips. It’s an invitation she gladly takes and slender fingers tangle into her blonde messy locks keeping her in place on her mouth. They kissed slowly, soothed by the closeness. 

“God, I’ve missed your lips.....” She breathes when their lips parted ever so slightly, just to allow air.

“I missed you kissing my lips.” Lexa mumbles against her mouth before welding together again.

The kiss soon turns into a crushing, fiery, and passionate one, expressing those fiery feelings of love, desire, and passion for one another. 

“Fuck,” she moans her response a moment later, as she moved her head to the side to catch her breath again.

Oh, she wanted to make love to Lexa again, show her how much she’d missed her, how much she loves her. But now was not the time nor the place. Last night they’ve been lucky that Anya had passed out and that Raven had covered for them. It had been in a heat of the moment thing and she had to make it right. Right for Lexa. Right for her.

She leaned down, with a sigh she rested her forehead against Lexa’s closing her eyes. The brunette took a couple of slow, deep breaths and waited. Patiently she waited.

She didn’t seek her lips again, but pressed a soft kiss against the brunette’s temple with gentle reverence before rolling to her side. She laid with one leg still over the brunette’s and her head propped on her palm. 

Two sets of wanting eyes locked. 

“Come over to my place later.” The words emerged husky and soft as she reached out with her free hand to gently trace her fingertips over the chiseled angles of Lexa’s beautiful face. “I want to make love to you....properly.” She added, placing a gentle kiss on the brunette’s cheek. 

The brunette’s lips then curved into a lazy smirk, “Properly?” Lexa paused with a chuckle and eyed her suspiciously. 

“Clarke, I don’t think modesty was a concern last night.” Chimed the brunette with a teasing smirk. 

She couldn't stop the laughter that poured out of her mouth. _There she is._ she thought. _Her Lexa_ , the one she fell in love with. 

____

“No,” She says cheekily. Smirking she lowered her mouth to peck the brunette’s lips. “It most definitely wasn’t.”

____

Lexa let out a soft chuckle, her smile vivid and contagious, and warmth spreads through her making her heart flutter inside; the sight of that smile, the sight of those eyes pinching the way as they do when the brunette laughs. It all rendered her speechless.

____

“So....” Lexa starts to say, giving her a knowing look and that perfect smile she adores still twitching at her lips. “Last night was not properly, huh?” 

____

Grinning, she teased with a smirk of her own; “Call it starvation.” She said in flirty tone.

____

At that, both broke out in laughter. With a pleased smile, she gives Lexa’s flesh a nip and quickly soothes the area with her tongue enjoying every second of this moment.

____

“Last night..” she said gently, gazing over Lexa’s face, this time slowly, attentively; “It was magical.........but my appetite for you, I must confess, _is_ insatiable.“ 

____

A slow, sexy smile claimed the brunette’s lips upon hearing her words, green eyes shone with a warmth as they stared back at her; finding breathing herself incredibly difficult at the sight. Completely captivated yet again by Lexa Woods—the color of her green eyes, the width of her dazzling smile, the sound of her voice. She is so in love with her. So in love. 

____

Her mind, her heart loves this girl for not only one but million of reasons. 

____

She held the brunette’s gaze as gently as a caress. Her heart pounding wildly at her chest, and without even realizing she whispers the words unable to hold them inside her any longer. And why should she?

____

“I love you.” She whispers, tracing the fragile line of the brunette’s jaw with a gentle finger, her heart felt so full of love, she could hardly breathe.

____

The brunette did not speak the words back, but Lexa’s smile was gentle, her emerald gaze swept her face before claiming her lips in the softest of kisses. 

____

“In every way. I do.” She reassured softly against her sweet lips.

____

To her, Lexa didn’t need to say the words back, instead, _she_ would say it as many times as she had to, as she wanted to. Simply because _now_ she could.

____

She knew with every fiber of her being that Lexa loves her still, even if the girl hadn't said the words out loud yet; but by the way the brunette looked and acted towards her, by the way she had made love to her. She knows. It’s just a matter of time for Lexa to trust her words.

____

First, she must acquire the skill of patience, to prove to her, in every conceivable way, and show the brunette that she had changed and they could now be together, happy. Little by little she’ll make the hurt and pain go away, and make Lexa fall deeply in love with her all over again.

____

_I will._ She promised herself.

____

*

____

____

Lexa complies willingly to Clarke’s kiss, drawing the blonde closer to her and rolls them over putting herself on top of her while pressing her lips to Clarke’s for a more slow tantalizing kiss. 

____

She can’t help the moan that escapes from her lips when Clarke opened her legs, spreading herself beneath her. More so, when she feels Clarke’s tongue start that familiar rhythm against hers. _God!_ It all feels perfect. Too fucking perfect. Nothing near to what or how she’d imagined possible to be kissing Clarke again. 

____

The blonde was an exquisite woman, Clarke was brilliant, funny, sexy and sensual. In this moment, she’s happy to know that this beautiful woman is with her, happy to finally see her raw beauty and sexiness right in front of her. It’s everything she ever wanted, dreamed of.

____

Last night she had made a terrible mistake, she’d come home to say her goodbyes, with her armor polished and shield raised. She had also been more focused on her anger and insecurities that she offered her own worst behavior and had hurt this beautiful woman in the worst possible way —in her young and unsophisticated way. 

____

All night, unable to sleep she’d asked herself how could their love possibly survive when it had been beaten and hadn't been nourished for months? She’d found it nearly impossible to embrace it. Many things had changed in her life, plans were made for a successful career and Clarke was definitely not part of the list, _love_ had no place in her new life sort of speak. But _damn_ , making love to the woman had been wonderful. Especially waking up this morning next to her, it was all like Clarke said, _Magical_. 

____

And even though she doesn’t think she may be able to fully love and trust the blonde right away, at least not the way she used to because she is still afraid; part of her is still cautious and skeptical —she knew she couldn’t run away from her feelings, from Clarke. There’s that part of her that still hopes in this _silly young girl_ dream of sharing a life with Clarke. She still loves the woman with every fiber of her being, heart and soul. She loves her.

____

But first thing is first. They needed to talk. 

____

She raised her head slightly pulling away from the kiss, leaving the blonde with a small frown on her lips. 

____

Exhaling quietly she leaned forward and gave Clarke one last gentle kiss to the cheek before pressing her forehead against hers mimicking Clarke’s previous gestures. 

____

The blonde immediately wrapped her arms tight around her, embracing her as tightly as she could. 

____

She sucked in a breath. Feeling herself melt into the blonde. She closed her eyes for a moment, savoring the feel to have Clarke back in her arms once again. This was bliss. She wanted to stay cradled and stay safe in Clarke’s warmth and finally, be.....loved. 

____

“Tell me what’s wrong baby?” Clarke asks softly already sensing her fears.

____

She pulls back and eased away from the blonde. She laid on her back staring at the ceiling for a brief moment, and sighed.

____

”I’m fine.” She says softly, turning again to her side to look at the blonde for another second. Her heart is pounding so loudly she can feel it in her ears as Clarke gazes up at her with an unspoken query in her cerulean eyes that matched her own.

____

She can’t help but wonder what this gorgeous woman who is laying naked in her bed is thinking this moment—her thoughts, her fears.....

____

“Where’d you go?” Clarke breathes out; gently brushing a stray lock of her hair from her face, drinking in her eyes as if she'd never get enough, those beautiful blues scanning hers for a response once again.

____

Conversation begins with a question, she thought and reaches for Clarke’s hand, locking their fingers together. She takes the back of her hand slowly to her lips and kisses it trying to send the blonde a message she can’t seem to speak out loud at the moment. But she believes it’s enough of an affirmation, for now.

____

“I’m here.” She whispers, her voice shaky.

____

She is a liar. Clarke knows it.

____

“Then tell me what’s on your mind?” The blonde pleads. “I want to know.”

____

Her mind? Her mind is in a whirl. Unsure how or where to start. 

____

“There’s still something important we —I need to talk to you about Clarke...” Lexa confessed.

____

And as she waited for the blonde to approve, she noticed Clarke’s breath turned ragged, her blue gaze analyzing her features in silence before nodding.

____

But just before she could say anything, a soft knock at the door had them freezing in place.

____

The knock on the door was soft but persistent.

____

Their eyes meet for a moment before she eased away from the blonde and the bed. She went to one of the dressers in her room to retrieve a robe and as she dressed, Clarke wrapped the bed sheet around her whole body and drags it all the way to quickly pick up the pieces of her clothing that were scattered about.

____

Slowly, she partially opened and peaked out to see who it was at the door. Standing impatiently was none other than Raven Reyes with a hand on her hip.

____

"It's ok.” Said the woman. “It’s only me.”

____

“Yes?” 

____

“Clarke?” Raven inquired.

____

For a second she contemplated the idea of lying; and it’s crazy to her how much lying she’s been doing lately. However, this time she didn’t; she was somewhat sure the latina already knew Clarke had spent the night with her, or else why would the woman be standing at her door asking for her best friend. _Right?_

____

Sensing her hesitation, the brunette raised a brow. 

____

“Look, not only did I, but the entire neighborhood heard you guys all right.” Said the Raven, raising a teasing eyebrow, lips curving into a slight grin before mouthing _FUCKING LOUD_. 

____

She immediately felt her face flush with embarrassment remembering their earth-shattering orgasms from the previous night, especially at how loud Clarke had been —well, _both_ had been.

____

“I didn’t think you had it in you,” Raven added, with a coy, semi-joking twinkle in her eyes, “ _Little Woods._ ” The Latina grinned broadly, a glint in her eyes that was frankly very-very disturbing to her. 

____

Raven then held up her hand for a high-five, fingers wiggling in the air, in which she _obviously_ did not hew to. Instead she glanced over at the blonde to only find her looking at her with amusement in her pretty blues. Clarke was curling the same wicked smile as Raven’s. _Of course_. 

____

She knew she could not handle this woman on her own, she opened the door a little wider for Clarke, who had to take over. 

____

“Oh, good. You're up!” Raven says casually leaning her elbow on the doorframe while looking at Clarke with a grin. ”You kids used protection? An unwanted pregnancy.......” 

____

“Shut up Rae.” Clarke mutters and Raven laughs.

____

“See, that’s funny Princess. It was exactly what I kept yelling ‘till four this morning. But I guess _‘Green-eyed candy’_ here—“

____

At that, she turns to look at both women. ‘ _Green-eyed candy’_? 

____

“What do you want Raven?” Interjected Clarke in a more stern tone, and the Latina immediately held up her hands in surrender.

____

“Anya’s up.” Raven’s voice drops lower, “Look, I don’t know where _you two_ Uh, stand but I think it’s best if she doesn’t find out _this way_. You know......you, Lexa, here, naked, boobies out and about—“

____

”Thanks Rae.” Clarke stops her.

____

”Yeah. Sure. What are friends for right?” Raven whispers. 

She tried not to listen but it still reaches her ears as she busies herself with her cellphone checking on her twenty-one missed calls from last night and this morning.

____

”Whoa! Damn Clarke,” Raven shouts startling Clarke and her. She sees the Latina step all the way inside her room and hovers right in front of the blonde for a closer look at the bruise she’d left on the blonde’s cleavage, “That’s a big bite on your boob right there Clarkey....”

____

At that, she quickly whipped her head giving Raven a glare, who instantly knew that looking at her woman’s breasts was reserved for her only. And only her. That she made sure.

__“Sorry.” Raven clears her throat. “Anya is taking a shower. So, yeah....just wanted to let you guys know. You have ten minutes.”_ _

____

“Thanks,” Clarke said turning to look at her.

____

“Ten.” Raven repeated herself this time looking at her pointedly.

____

She nodded as she went to close the door.

____

“She could’ve said that behind the door..” Lexa remarks shaking her head as she turns to face the blonde.

____

“Yeah, she could’ve.” The blonde agrees moving in slowly towards her, “but tell me what fun would that be?” Clarke pointed out with a smile and taking her hand in her own. “It’s Raven.”

____

“That’s true.” She tilts her head to the side returning the smile. “Green-eyed Candy, huh? I like it.” 

____

The corners of the blonde’s mouth pulled into a big grin, so broadly that her thin face could barely hold her delight.

____

“My sweet-sweet-not-so forbidden green-eyed candy.” Corrected Clarke with a soft chuckle and leans forward to press a kiss at the corner of her mouth. 

____

The urgent desire to wrap her arms around the woman was unbearably painful to resist. She tossed her phone on the bed and stepped closer to embrace the blonde, who was smiling up to her as she wrapped her arms around her waist to bring her back into the safety of her arms.

____

”It’s probably best if we talk to Anya—“ Clarke started to say.

____

”No.” She shook her head slightly cutting Clarke off, already removing her arms from the blonde’s waist.

”I can talk to her,” The blonde insisted, halting her. Clarke’s delicate fingers wrapped around her arm as she attempts to put some distance between them. 

____

”Not yet.” She answered, shaking her head in disagreement. It really is not. They had already discussed this last night.

____

“Baby, I’m sure she’ll understand. Eventually she—“

____

”I said no Clarke!” She shouts hysterically making the blonde jump slightly. 

____

“I asked you last night and I’m asking you again, do you not want this?” Clarke inquired more urgently.

____

She hesitated a moment, “I did....I...do.” She answered, but didn’t elaborate. Why was it so hard?

____

“Then tell me why not Lexa? Because I sure would like to know.” The blonde demanded, for once, loosing her patience. She ticks her head to the side with irritation. “I thought—“

____

“You broke my heart,” She exclaimed, the words leaping out into the air, “you can’t just expect to sleep with me then pretend everything is okay!” 

____

The blonde flinched at her words and, with an effort, she tried to moderate her tone as she felt Clarke’s sudden stillness. 

____

“I can’t.....I—“

____

She stopped shortly after Clarke lets go of her wrist, cautiously. _Fuck._ Just like that, her heart breaks seeing the agonizing pain seeping through the blonde at her words. And it’s torture to see her like this, especially because of her.

____

Frankly, there are no words to describe the pain she felt in her heart at loosing Clarke, and she doesn’t think she could go through that again. This time around she must make her decisions with her head not solely with her heart, at least not without a thought to the consequences.

____

“Look......” She whispers unable to trust her voice. “I don’t regret what happened between us...I don’t.” She coaxed, making sure Clarke understood that before she continues. “But we both know that it was a mistake...”

____

Her eyes searched the blonde’s face desperately but Clarke looked quite at a loss for what to say.

____

“I...” The blonde managed, before dropping her gaze. 

____

She reached for the blonde’s chin and tipped it up, her hands stroked her cheeks as her eyes sought hers. She could see in the vulnerable depths of Clarke’s blue gaze that she was hurting her. But, she needed to be strong. She could not open herself up without her knowing how she felt, how she feels. There was too much pain already in her life, more than she could bear. There was just too much to loose. 

____

“Clarke, I’ve always wanted more than sex with you....I wanted you.” She paused, then added. “You hurt me and I wanted you to feel the same about me that I felt about you because I was afraid —I’m still afraid.......I feel stupid now, so stupid, that I'll never forgive myself for doing that, for hurting you last night. I—what I did was wrong and stupid. That’s not who I am it’s why I need to be honest with you here....”

____

“I know that Lexa.” Clarke speaks without hesitation. “And I’ve already forgiven you for that.” The blonde added as an afterthought. 

No you haven’t, she wanted to say. She can see the desperation in the blonde’s eyes. She can see herself in her eyes from a few weeks back wanting desperately to hold on to her.

”A lot has changed for us.....for me and I just think we........we should take some time to think about this, about what you really want. If this is what we want.” 

____

Clarke didn’t respond, barely nodded. The blonde’s expression is unreadable and neither of them spoke for a moment. 

____

“I’m sorry.” She says quietly after sometime. 

____

She lowered her gaze. She hadn’t meant to go this far, but at the last minute she found herself longing to speak her heart before she’d go and break Clarke’s heart in its entirety. 

____

“Hey...” Clarke breathes. “No. Stop.”

____

Controlling herself, her eyes connect with her favorite blues; with her thumb the blonde tenderly wipe the forming tears at the corner of her eyes she didn’t know she had. 

____

”No more apologies Lexa. No more of this, okay? I know there’s a lot that’s changed baby. You’ve changed. I’ve felt it the moment I saw you.” Clarke adds with a more serious tone. “But...if it’s time and space you need to figure out what you want, _IF **I am**_ what _you_ really want, I’ll wait. I’ll wait for as long as it takes.”

____

For a moment she felt like she couldn’t breathe as Clarke’s ocean blues hold on to her gaze for dear life. Suddenly, realizing how the conversation had taken a completely new direction. She was not strong enough. She had never been able to think straight in Clarke’s presence. Never.

____

Her eyes still focus on her face. Clarke was beautiful, angelic, a Goddess. _Her Goddess._. How could she say no to this beautiful, charming, smart, engaging and loving woman in front of her. _How?_ she asked herself. 

She nodded. 

Clarke’s thumbs start to drag across her lips, as if mapping out her face for memory before speaking again, “I want your heart back Lexa,” The blonde promised, gazing up at her with admiration. “I do. I’ll wait. I’ll always be here.”

____

Clarke’s words had her undone, more-so when those blues roam her face with a longing so vivid making her heart gallop in her chest, giving her wings as she waits for her approval. 

____

One beat. Two beats.

____

“Ok.” She answered still gazing into those eyes that reflected a love she had only hoped to see. 

____

Clarke curled her arm around her waist bringing them closer. She held the blonde tightly against her chest, her hand lightly stroking her hair and lips pressed to her temple. 

“Can we pretend that we’ve just met for the first time?” Clarke whispers pulling back slightly to look at her in the eyes. 

“What do you mean?” She asked dumbly, as the blonde caresses her cheek and starts doing her favorite thing in the world which is play softly with her jawline, making her eyes and heart flutter inside. 

“You know, start new?” The blonde suggests, a slight smile appearing on her face.

She nodded, again. It seemed easier than talking. 

Clarke abruptly eased away, just enough to give her one of those smiles she loved so much then completely stepped away from her arms. She stares at the blonde, confused. 

“Hi beautiful,” the blonde announces politely, extending her hand to shake hers. “I’m Clarke, with an ‘E’.” They both chuckle. “Annnd I’d really- _really_ like to date you.” Clarke added, grinning excitedly as her eyes sparkled happily. 

____

Her lips curved into a smirk and shook her head at the blonde’s silly gesture. “That’s cute.” She says.

Clarke’s smile turned into a big grin, wider than ever as she took her hand, and pulled her into her. 

“Is that how you talk to all girls?” She asked, smiling and gathering the blonde in her arms.

”Not at all.” Clarke answered, throwing a flirty grin at her. “There’s only one I want.”

”Good.” She approves and nibbles at the blonde’s lip, fighting the gigantic smile that wanted to erupt, butterflies fluttering in her stomach. She’s never in her life felt so wanted, desired, and loved. 

_Never._

”Well?” The blonde asked and looks at her raising her eyebrows with a smile.

“A date?” She asked, loving the low laugh that splits from the blonde’s lips at her question.

“Yes. A date,” Clarke added ruefully, “I believe that’s what kids still call it these days.” The blonde continues a bit flirtatiously, her thumb tracing the curve of her collarbone. “You know, the kind where we both dress up nice, drink overprice wine, dined by candlelight AND OOOH, the best part is that I get to kiss you at the end of the night.” 

Lexa was sure she was mirroring Clarke’s smile right now. The blonde is smiling with such adolescent sort of excitement; looking very young and carefree. She never thought she'd have this, she’d actually thought that her time for love was over. _Oh,_ how mistaken she’d been. 

“Yes.” She answered, heart slamming against her rib cage. “I’d loved that.” 

_Hope._

“Yeah?” Clarke places her hand gently on her hip pulling her greedily closer to her and planted a kiss on her cheek.

“Mm-hmm.” She hums leaning into Clarke’s touch, eyes fluttering. 

They’re both love struck teenagers all over again.

“I—” Clarke starts pulling back breaking the sweet embrace, her voice trembling only a little. “I just need to know one thing right now.”

She brushes a finger across Clarke’s lips looking into her pretty blues seeing a slight flash of sadness pass through them. 

“What do you want to know?” She asked as Clarke met her eyes straight on. 

“I want to know if.......are we gonna be okay?” The blonde asked delicately.

She didn’t answer right away, and paused to think it through carefully. She didn’t know weather to kiss her and say yes, or weep. Then looked again into those piercing blues that seared into her, burning the truth of her words on her soul as they always had. 

Holding Clarke more tightly in a close embrace, she pressed a long kiss to her temple and as she did so she murmurs quietly, “I hope so.”

At her words, the blonde hitched in a breath, azure eyes brimmed with everything that she’d just said, and Clarke had believed her to the marrow of her soul. 

Her smile faded and her eyes filled. She cradled the blonde’s head, and held the woman silently against her chest for minute, wanting to hold this sweet moment of existence.

“Lex?” Clarke whispers after a moment of silence.

“Hmm?”

”I know I need to head home,” Whispered the blonde, instinctively pressing a kiss on the underside of her jaw, “but I just want you to hold me a little longer. Is that all right?” 

With her eyes closed she hummed, burying her nose in blonde hair. Inhaling slowly and deeply, she allowed the blonde’s scent to swirl along her senses. And drifted in total bliss with Clarke’s face pressed against the warmth of her neck. 

She did not speak, did not caress or kiss; she simply embraced Clarke as life itself to her. 

// 

After they changed and exchanged some whispered words and a few more kisses, Lexa led Clarke outside with their fingers twined together to where the blonde’s car was parked. And after many assurances that they would try to contact one another upon stepping foot at home, with a parting kiss both went their separate ways. 

Leaving Easton that afternoon, she drove back to Polis to meet with her elite mentor, Titus, since missing his twentieth call that morning it was the least she could do.

____

After having a long conversation with him about her future, shortly after, she pulled up in front of her new high-end condo building. Valet parking being one of her favorite things she'd like about the condo complex, among other obvious things such as the private entrance, private outdoor space along with the lobby entrance been monitored twenty-forty/seven. 

Compared to her bedroom space that was less than 225 square feet room in Easton. Now, this was living; A 1,230 sq. ft. with a 295-sq.-ft. terrace penthouse on the 36th-floor in one of her father’s towers. The place just set out in the heart of Polis within a short distance to school and Polaris Corp. It worked for her. In fact, it was more than enough.

____

“Good evening Miss Woods.” Greeted valet as she handed her keys, giving Dax a polite curt nod.

____

She strode inside confidently and down the hall, just as she reached the glass doors that would let her to her own private fingerprint elevator, she heard someone call her name.

____

“Miss Woods, a minute please!” 

____

She turned around to see Karina, one of the condo complex receptionists. 

____

“I apologize Miss, but this package was left for you yesterday and it said to be of urgent matter.”

____

“Oh.” She smiles politely as the girl handed the large, light-yellow, bulky envelope to her. “Thank you, Karina.” 

____

”Anytime, Miss Woods.” Said the girl offering a friendly smile.

____

Riding up in the elevator she sighed, exhausted. She closed her eyes and rested her head against the wall preparing for the wait to get to the 36th floor.

____

The elevator’s door swooshed open as she made it to the place she now calls home; a lavish penthouse overlooking the city of Polis, inside filled with fine art and costly decorations. All luxury and elegance as she enters.

____

Herself being now the owner of the place and her father the owner of the building, it all provided her with all of the exclusive benefits of being a Suite Class guest; full service staff and all the top-notched amenities that being wealthy provided. 

____

Although she’s always preferred to live a simpler life and not pursue personal pleasure and luxury through her father’s wealth, recently she’d found herself enjoying more and more this high end life. Unfortunately though, for her it had all come at a costly price. Her life. Her freedom.

____

Alone, she entered. 

____

The place was dimly lit by the city lights outside and terrace, she’s hardly ever bothered to turn a light as she’d come home. And to say that every night for the past three months she has entered the luxurious place without some natural sinking at her heart would be untrue. So untrue.

____

She walked straight to her lonely room where she’d spent many sleepless nights, some days where she'd lie in bed curled up in her loneliness and heartbreak. 

____

She sat on her bed and kicked off her heels. With a heavy sigh she stared at the ceiling for a minute before reaching for her phone to look at the time, she saw that it was already 9:30 at night and she had not called or texted Clarke yet, only to have it beep the instant she put the phone down. 

____

She stared at the phone on her bed and swallowed hard. Somehow, she already knew it was Clarke, but instead of reaching for her iPhone she grabbed the yellow envelope. 

____

She opened the envelope, in it were exactly $380 British Pound Sterling, a credit card and an e-ticket with her name on it.

____

She read the note with Harper’s handwriting;

____

__

____

_Alexandria,_

__

____

__

_Inside you will find your flight info which leaves Monday morning from Polis Int'l airport to Heathrow in London._

__

____

__

_UCL's Bartlett School of Architecture paperwork as well. Call me if you have any questions._

__

____

__

_Safe travels!_

__

____

__

_H._

____

____

__  
__  
  
  


____

__Her phone beeps again. Another text from Clarke._ _

Her heart sinking causing a tightening of her throat and a sting in her eyes as she tried; and failed to stem her emotions.

She reached for her phone and read Clarke’s text as the tears threatened to spill.

____

**Blue Eyes 9:30 p.m :** _I couldn’t focus all day long…all I can think about is you. The smell of your body, the taste of your lips, the feel of your touch...... Missing you already. X_

____

**Blue Eyes 9:37 p.m. :** _And when I say I miss you it is not because I want to have you near me in a selfish way, but the fact of not being by your side makes me aware of how much I love you. Hope your day was great. Sweet dreams Pretty Girl. X_

____

She stares at her phone for a brief moment as she reads and rereads the text, every word filled her pain. Despite her best efforts, finding it beyond her the tears that had welled up and were threatening to spill from her eyes now burned hot trails down her cheeks. 

_So, what good is it to be Three Steps Above Heaven if I’m still left wanting you?_

She sobbed into her chest unceasingly, hands clutching at her phone. 

This love. Her love. 

_“........And it's at that moment when you have to choose between the past or a new beginning.........”_

____

____

____

 

∞ ∞ ∞ 

//

____

____

 


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick edit. Check!
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading. Hope you all enjoy and if you do kudos/comments are appreciated as always. :-)

//

 

Heartbreaks reminds us we're in love. And when you’re in love, every second of the day is a reminder. 

One of the biggest fear when you are in love is usually watching your loved one walk away, it adds insult to injury when there's no warning. All of a sudden, she went from feeling safe and relaxed to that horrible feeling of panic where you know that you are losing something that is extremely important to you. 

This was reality and reality sucks. It had been three days, three long fucking days since she had not heard back from Lexa. 

No call, no text, no show. 

_Does she love me like I do? Does she misses me like I do?_

_She does._ Of course Lexa does.

Or......she can only hope that someday Lexa will. Until then, she’ll be here. But for now, all the brunette needed was time, and space. She reassures herself. 

She did promise to wait. She did. But, damn right she knew it’s easier said than done.

Clarke closed her eyes, conjuring the image of the brunette as she had been that last day in her arms—her vibrant smile touching her beautiful soft green eyes; softer than the moonlight, remembering the glide of her fingertips across her cheeks, her nails gently grazing the surface of her skin. 

The flood of memories filled her mind, forming a tight grip upon her chest causing her heart to ache. Thoughts of when they first met, _My God_ , Lexa had looked incredibly gorgeous in her suit that day, with that glow in her eyes that she learned to love and adore. 

She thought of when they first kissed, Lexa’s warm embrace, the way they made love. Lexa’s delicate touch to every inch of her body as she whispered promise after promises to herself to love the girl and worship her until her last dying breath, in this lifetime and the next. 

But it had not been enough. Not for Lexa and not for her.

She could’ve had it all but lost it when she decided to walk out of the brunette’s life first time around. She knows, she couldn’t blame Lexa if the girl had decided to walk out of her life now. She couldn’t.

With time, as she’s done previously, and numerous times, she will have to learn to live with that pain. Her head and her heart will have to learn to live with it. 

But it's always that silent cry deep down her soul where she’s tried not ventured these past few days. Today, it so happened she did and Lexa’s words echoed through her. 

_“You broke my heart......”_

She shook herself out of her daydream and wiped her tears forcefully. 

“Stop it!” she whispered to herself, swallowing back her tears. “Give her some time. She’ll be back.”

Someday.....Just not today.

She opened the door to her Jeep and sat comfortably in the front seat taking a quick pause to check her hair and makeup in the rearview mirror. Retouching her lipstick, she forced a smile. 

Her 8am students were not gonna wait. 

Placing the car in reverse she backed it out of her garage to the street and drove off to school.

 

//

 

In hopes of finding out something, anything as insignificant as the mentioning of Lexa’s name she sat with Raven and Anya during lunchtime. Ever since Lexa left she’d stopped coming out of her classroom, busying herself with painting and drawing. 

For the most part during lunchtime she had just sat quietly, lost in her own thoughts with a sullen look on her face as the conversation flowed between the two girlfriends.

Gazing across the cafeteria she took notice of the small group of friends coming in; Lexa’s ‘kru’ as the girl would called them, in walked the usual suspects —Jasper, Monty, Luna, Monroe, Lincoln, Finn and Olivia. 

Each one completely different the other, definitely not the normal group of friends, as Lexa used to say. But they all bonded from the start, and always had each other’s back no matter what. Strong Kru. 

All sat at their usual table, she can see that Jasper is telling one of his many stories, ostensibly to the group, but from the bombastic way his voice echoes off the cafeteria, he clearly wants everyone to hear it too. About a girl. _Obviously._

The sweet dreamer of the group, Lexa would call him often. She smiled approvingly at the thought as she continues to listen to the boy resume his storytelling. He’s got everyone’s attention except one. One of the dining companions is looking at her helplessly across the table. 

Olivia. 

When she met her eyes for a second, the girl looks straight at her with a big fake smile, and it's suddenly stomach-sinking clear that Olivia had been watching her. 

The small smile she had on her face quickly faded, dropping her eyes to her untouched lunch at being caught staring and enjoying Jasper’s story about how he had saved the girl.

“......Lexa!” Anya shouts beside her, startling her from her thoughts. “Come here!”

Her eyes immediately scanned the room, seeking the brunette, and her heart jolted when she spotted her. 

As usual, Lexa was the focus of all attentive students, male and female gazes as she glided across the room —shoulders back, chin held high, and that genuine smile curving at her lips as she approaches her friends when they call her by her nickname.

“Commander!”

Her heart thudded wildly, expectantly. 

However, nothing came her way. 

A stab of jealousy propelled her to stand up when the brunette took a different route towards her friends. Yes. She knows they couldn't run into each other’s arms, or even spend time talking—not with everyone’s eagle eyes observing their every move—but just a glance would’ve satisfied her for the moment. Just one would’ve been enough.

So, without another thought or a word to her friends and colleagues, she gained her feet and disappeared from the cafeteria in an instant. As she did, she could feel her friends and the brunette’s gaze following her. 

Not enough. 

 

*

 

As Lexa moved through the room, she sensed everyone’s gaze following her, some whispers here and there, feeding her alter ego. She confidently strode inside, smiling. 

Although inside she wished she could shrink at least three sizes to make herself less visible and run to Clarke’s arms, she knew that was near impossible. 

She smiled genuinely as her friends gathered around her, hugging her and telling her how much they’ve missed her. 

She risked a quick sideways glance towards the blonde and her smile quickly fades, when she notices the blonde leaving the room. Anya waves at her, calling her over. 

She excused from her friends, saying she was in a rush but made plans to meet with them after school and they all agreed to the idea. 

Instead of going to her cousin and Raven, she risked following Clarke, leaving her friends and cousin in the cafeteria. 

She took long strides, a deep frown chiseled on her face. It had never been her plan to disappear on the blonde like that, the plan in fact was to leave Monday, it was the reason why she’d been to Anya’s birthday party that night —to say her goodbyes, nothing more.

But as always, fate had other plans for her, the blonde had changed everything in a matter of seconds. Feeling the need to clear her head to make a clearer decision about her future, she decided to take some time off and think deeply about leaving everything and everyone behind or stay without her mind being clouded by the blonde.............

 

//

_**Two days ago....** _

 

_6AM sharp Ridley picked her up and drove her to the airport, making sure she arrived well ahead of her departure time that Monday._

_After checking her bags and passing through security she found herself wandering among the people rushing to catch their flights and some waiting patiently for their time to board._

_When she found her gate, she sat there for what felt like hours, as she thought of how a long time ago she had dreams; at how she had envisioned her future differently._

_But, as she’d said, that was a long time ago._

_In this moment, she thought about something. Why was she running away? It didn’t matter how many times she’d tried to get away and bury her past, because the past will always claw it’s way out. Always._

_Her mother....Her father....Clarke._

_Clarke._

_Suddenly, Clarke’s voice whispers in her head. ‘The past is over and the damage has been done.’_

_She had already tried and Clarke had always been right. It is the decision you make to heal your wounds, regardless of which marks or scars the past left on you._

_Time will never stop until death comes._

_We all have a choice, sometimes we might not end up choosing the correct one. But ultimately it is up to you. Ultimately it is up to her how she lives, how she leads._

_And she realizes, all this time since she can remember it’s what her father had been trying to tell her._

_Her father’s words echoes in her head._

_‘To lead has always been your birthright. How you lead is your choice.’_

_‘Attention all passengers, British Airways 238 is pleased to announce the FINAL boarding call for flight 50 to London Heathrow Airport. All ticketed and confirmed passengers should now be board the aircraft at gate 10B.’_

_Lexa sat in silence in the waiting area at the gate, still absorbed in her own thoughts._

‘FINAL boarding call for flight 50 to London Heathrow Airport....

_“Miss?” The airline agent called, waking her from her thoughts. “Will you be boarding flight 50? That was the final call.”_

_Her eyes scanned the place around, everyone had emptied the gate and were already on board._

_She drew in a deep breath and slowly released it. “No,” She replied as she rose to her feet. “Not today.”_

_Exiting the airport she hailed a cab, and asked to be dropped off at Polaris Corp. As a result, she got a nasty surprise; a $136 bill when she had arrived at her father’s company._

_After swiping her father’s credit card, she gets out of the cab in front of the multi-million dollar building and makes her way inside._

_“Excuse me! Can I help you?”_

_She turns around, her brow arched as she stares at the muscular hotshot stranger in a clean most likely ‘Prada’ suit._

_“No.” She says with a small shake of her head before sprinting towards the elevator._

_“Whoa! Wait. You can’t go in there!” The man shouts._

_She felt a hand grab her upper arm, halting her from going further. Her eyes narrowed, jerking his hands off her and spun around to face this insolent stranger._

_“Fio!” She hears Miss Lucy call before this guy faces her wrath. “It’s okay. I’m so-so very sorry, Miss Woods. He’s new.”_

_She nodded, accepting the perfectly legitimate excuse; everyone needed to stop by the receptionists to obtain a visitor’s pass. Especially all employees could not enter the private elevators without a badge, or pass through security. Everyone, her father and herself being the only exception, of course._

_But just before she turns to walk away, her ears caught the surprise in the young man._

_“Holy shit, that’s the big boss’s kid!”_

_She blinked twice, then cocked her head to the side._

_“The owner and founder of Polaris Corp.” She corrected with supreme confidence. “My father is not ‘just the big boss’.”_

_Shock swept across the older woman’s face. “I apologize Miss Woods, he started last week and just started training today.” Miss Lucy excuses the young man once again._

_She turned to look at Fio awaiting his apology but nothing came, instead she sees the sculpted muscles in his face flexed with a slight anger, determined than ever not to be intimidated by her._

_“My name is Alexandria Woods, Fio and I am not just the _big boss’s kid_.” She finished, wanting to send Fio and everyone a strong message. “Get back to work.”_

_She will not be her father’s shadow. She refuses to be the boss’s privileged kid who inherits all this fortune. She walked off again, feeling pretty pleased with herself._

_It is in that precise moment it becomes clear, even if her mind had fought the idea, somewhere deep within her she knew this was her destiny all along. Years ago, her parents set up their hearts in this company. Her mother had left her dreams to pursue her father’s dreams and support him on building this company. For her. She was meant for this._

_Approaching her father’s secretary desk on the 13th floor, she asks, “He’s inside?”_

_Harper looked up from her desk and was stunned to see her._

_“Oh my God, Alexandria!” The blonde exclaimed as she stood up. “Please tell me you did get my package? I called you several times, but you never answered. I knew I shouldn’t have —“_

_“I got it, Harper. It’s fine.” She stopped Harper’s rambling. “He’s inside?”_

_“He is. Let me announce your arrival.” Harper said already dialing in. “Sir, your daughter is here to see you,” The secretary notifies her father. “Yes, sir. Right away.”_

_Hanging up the phone, Harper gave her the approval nod to go right in._

_“Listen, Harper,” She turned to look at the woman again, “Do me a favor and call the airline, see if they can send my things back, I won’t be going anytime soon.”_

_“Sure thing Miss.” Harper smiled._

_She took a deep breath and composed herself as she knocked._

_“Enter!” Her father shouts from inside._

_Once she stepped inside her father’s office suite and closed the door behind her, she saw him sitting behind the enormous double desk. Inside the atmosphere was carefully constructed to represent all elegance and luxury._

_Her father stood once she stepped closer, always the gentleman._

_“Have a seat if you’d like.” He offered, seating back down._

_She decided to remain standing. She lowered her eyes and looked straight into those eyes of Augustus Woods III._

_“I’ve made the decision to stay.” She confessed, expecting lightning to strike, but to her surprise nothing came._

_He looked directly at her, just for a minute._

_“Ok.” Was all he said._

_She lifted her eyebrows, “You’re not upset?” She asked._

_Her father turned to look serenely at the family portrait that sat on his desk; Mid-shot of a young happy family of three. The picture comprising himself, her beautiful mother and her four-year-old self seated on his lap smiling. Perfect. Forever young. Forever beautiful._

_“I never asked you to leave Lexa.” His voice was smooth, his hazel eyes with tint of green met hers frankly. Taking a deep breath, he said, “In fact, I’ve always wanted you to stay.”_

_That much was true. She had made the decision to go on her own._

_“I only agreed because it was what you wanted to do. But, I am glad you stayed.”_

_Uneasiness shifted through her. Something in his manner held her silent, his face filled with a peculiar anguish she could not decipher._

_It was as if at that moment he was allowing her to have a glimpse of the man he was when a rare uncertainty over took him. He seemed a different man, standing there by his throne no longer remote and godlike but confused, exhausted and his shield down and..........so real._

_She stares at him for long seconds. The intensity of her gaze made him shift uncomfortably and cleared his throat._

_“I suppose you....you’ll continue to work here then.” He inquired, expectantly._

_“Yes.” She replied._

_“Very well.” His strong, confident and authoritative voice back in place. “I want you to become familiar with the company.”_

_He stood up and went to pour himself a stiff scotch and held it in his hand as she listened carefully and continued to watch him in silence._

_“The faster you learn to manage what’s yours, the better for everyone.” He went on._

_He drank his shot of scotch and poured himself another before looking up at her._

_She nodded. He looked at his watch to check the time._

_“I’ll have Harper arrange everything for your new office and personal assistant.”_

_Assistant? Why would she need a personal assistant? She wondered. But before she could protest about the assistant, his office phone beep._

_“Sir, Dante Wallace has arrived. Everyone is ready for you in the conference room.” Harper announced on the speaker._

_“On my way.” He responded._

_They looked at each other for a moment. She gave him a firm nod and without another word both walked out of his office._

_“Alexandria,” he called, and she looked back at him. “Come Friday, be ready. The awards ceremony for the Polaris Corp Charity will be held at The Polis Center. Get with Harper for a copy of the speech. I want everyone to become familiar with your face.”_

_She raised her chin, nodding confidently. She immediately sensed her father’s excitement, his long awaited planning, it was finally about to become a reality for him, and she was not about to let him down._

_She was ready to embark on this thrilling journey. ___

__

__//_ _

__

___**Present day....** _ _ _

__As she stood outside the Art classroom door many wonderful memories filled her mind. Inside this room is where she had lost all sense to reality.__

____

____

__Where she had kissed Clarke. Where she had told Clarke she loved her. Where she had begged Clarke to stay._ _

__Inside this art classroom. The place held so much sentiment for her.__

 _"Tell me what that thing did to you so I can make sure I won’t ever do the same.” She said and a smile broke across her face._

_Clarke was startled to see her. "Do you ever knock?"_

_"I did." She tells Clarke._

_"Well, what do you want?" The blonde asked solemnly._

__

____

_"Well, hello to you too."......_

__She smiled at the memory that came to her as she was about to knock the door, making her stop herself. Clarke always accused her of never knocking but the teacher never truly felt bothered by it._ _  


__

__Truth is, she never did knock. So, why should she now?_ _

__

__She slowly eased the door open as she’d always done before, peeking her head inside first before opening it a little wider and stepping inside, knowing it doesn’t take much to startle the teacher._ _

__

__She scanned the room with no signs of Clarke._ _

__

__“I’ve been waiting for you.” Clarke spoke from behind her._ _

__

__Hearing Clarke’s voice startled her, making her jump._ _

__

__“You never did learn to knock.” The blonde whispers near her ear, pressing her body against her._ _

__

__Still clutching her chest as the terror of unexpectedly hearing the woman’s raspy voice in her ear and her body pressed into her causes her heartbeat to double in speed._ _

__

__“You never asked me to....” Was her reply, standing very still, hardly daring to breathe._ _

__

__“Hmm. I never did, did I?” She felt the blonde’s smile against her skin, her voice low and her breath warm on the back of her neck._ _

__

__Anxious to see Clarke’s beautiful eyes, she turned around to face her._ _

__

__She was caught by surprise when, without another word, Clarke wrapped her arms around her and drew her in, this time making her heart skip a beat or two._ _

__

__Feeling instant regret that she had not called or texted the blonde, she started to apologize._ _

__

__“I’m sorry, I disappeared like that...” she started to explain._ _

__

__“It doesn’t matter.” The blonde whispers._ _

__

__Ocean blue eyes burned hot with an emotion she couldn’t identify._ _

__

__“You’re here.” The blonde excuses her._ _

__

__“I am.” She murmured, holding her gaze._ _

__

__“I missed you,” Clarke said quietly, inhaling her in as she nuzzled into her making a low, gruff sound expressing her need and desire for her, and it was not just physical._ _

__

__She lifted the blonde’s gaze to hers, seeing so much emotion in those pretty blues, all making Clarke look dangerous and vulnerable at once. Frustration. Hurt. Happiness. Affection.......so much love that it stole her breath away._ _

__

__Slowly she leaned in and touched the blonde’s lips to hers. She kissed Clarke slowly, a soft moan came from the blonde’s lips as she slid her tongue from her lips and along Clarke’s lips inviting her to taste her mouth._ _

__

__Clarke replied instantly letting her tongue wrapped around hers and making the kiss even deeper. Not even a few minutes into the kiss and she already felt the need to feel the blonde’s skin against her own. Her heart was thumping hard and felt her body on fire. Clarke was driving her crazy as always._ _

__

__Breaking the kiss, the blonde eased away slightly and took her hand in hers._ _

__

__“Come.” Said the blonde, giving her a peck on her lips before leading her all the way to the back of the Art room into a storage room that was divided by a partial wall._ _

__

__“What is this?” She asked looking around._ _

__

__“Storage room.” The blonde answered, stating the obvious._ _

__

__“Clarke, you mean to tell me this room has been back here all along and you never said a word.”_ _

__

__“Mmm-hmm.” The blonde hummed into her lips, giving her a mischievous smile as she did so._ _

__

__“Clarke—” She called, stunned._ _

__

__“What do you think would’ve happened if I’d told you about the secret room?” The blonde asked, blue eyes gleaming with a a charming smile._ _

__

__“Wanna find out?” She whispers, trailing her lips to the blonde’s earlobe._ _

__

__“Lexa!” Clarke shrieked when her teeth nipped at the sensitive place below her ear causing the woman to press herself against her even more closely._ _

__

__Clarke smiles, that dazzling smile that always left her feeling dizzy and weak at the knees._ _

__

__

__

__*_ _

__

__

__

__She sat the brunette on the edge of a desk, roughly spreading her thighs and stepping in between them as they kissed, devouring each other's mouth._ _

__

__God, this was leading exactly where her mind wanted it to. This was such a bad idea._ _

__

__Nonetheless, she smiled even wider, because Lexa had always stirred her to act recklessly, like a teenager._ _

__

__She laughed, imagining herself as a teenager again._ _

__

__Lexa smiles affectionately pulling back. “What is it?”_ _

__

__“Nothing,” she says, putting her arms around the taller girl’s neck and pulling her down for another kiss._ _

__

__She kisses the brunette with all the passion she’d been storing up over the past few days. Lexa’s tongue desiring hers, devouring her mouth with her fervor and she can’t help a small moan escape her mouth._ _

__

“God, baby...” she moans again her hands slipping inside the brunette’s shirt until she touched bare skin. She was done listening to logic, done fighting her hunger for the girl. 

__

__“I’m gonna fucking kill you!”_ _

__

__Startled, both part from one another when they see Anya shouting with fury, and fiercely trying her best to shake off Raven’s grasp on her arm._ _

__

__The brunette hops quickly off the desk and she swallows thickly over the thud of her heart in her throat._ _

__

___Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!_ _ _

__

__“Anya calm down...” Raven says patiently trying to step in front of her girlfriend, but the woman quickly pushes her friend away carelessly._ _

__

__“You’re dead Clarke, you hear me!” The woman moved towards them again, eyes blazing._ _

__

__“Anya,” She says calmly taking a small step. “Let me explain—”_ _

__

__“Fuck you Clarke!” Anya’s harsh voice sliced the rest of her words. She was sure anyone passing through the hallways outside the classroom could hear the commotion inside._ _

__

__“Anya, please...let’s talk about this.” She tries again taking a full step forward but Lexa grabs her by the waist to hold her back._ _

__

__By the time Anya had made her way to them the brunette had set her to the side; holding her hand Lexa steps in front of her cousin, shielding her with her body before Anya hovers her._ _

__

__“Move.” Anya’s eyes are hard as stone._ _

__

__“You only touch her through me Anya.” Lexa said, in that same soft undertone that sends shivers down her spine._ _

__

__“Step. Aside Alexandria.” Anya warns._ _

__

__“No.” The brunette said in an ominously soft voice. “When you’ve calmed down, Clarke, you and I _will_ talk.”_ _

__

__Anya takes a menacing step closer and quietly asks, “How long?” looking at her straight in the eyes past Lexa’s shoulder._ _

__

__She inhales sharply, hesitated for a moment before answering. _Does it really matter?_ she asked herself for a second. Even though Lexa is considered an adult now, all of this had started way before the girl had turned eighteen. _ _

__

__So, _of course_ it fucking matter. Time, always fucking matters._ _

__

__This was exactly what she was trying to avoid, what she’d been most afraid of. Being caught, and not being able to explain herself. And it was happening._ _

__

__But somehow knowing that they were both in this together now made her feel less afraid of what was to come. Lexa’s grip on her hand was warm and reassuring providing her enough strength to answer Anya with honesty._ _

__

__“Answer me....how long!?” Anya repeated the same question impatiently, this time at a considerably louder voice than before._ _

__

__“I —”_ _

__

__“It doesn’t matter.” Lexa beat her to it, giving her a comforting squeeze to her hand._ _

__

__“Well...it does to me Lexa!” Anya replied, shooting her a deathly glare, her jaw tight._ _

__

__“It shouldn’t.” Lexa countered._ _

__

__“Is she the reason why you left?” Anya asked, furiously. “Why you’re leaving Lexa!?”_ _

__

__There’s silence._ _

__

__“ _Leaving_..?” She whispers confused. She felt her heart leap from her chest at the thought of Lexa leaving. _ _

__

__“I let you into my home, I trusted you Clarke!” Anya scoffed, disbelief and scorn mashed together in her voice, “I thought—”_ _

__

__Suddenly, Anya’s anger towards her seemed to halt and evaporate. She sees the woman’s face grow deadly pale to the lips; with startled eyes, realization dawning on Anya’s face before turning her head to look at Raven._ _

__

__“And you?” Anya questions her girlfriend with a curious strained voice. “You knew about this?”_ _

__

__Raven didn’t respond and swallowed hard dropping her gaze unable to even look at her girlfriend in the eyes._ _

__

__“Anya, Raven has nothing to do with this....” The more she tried to explain the angrier Anya became._ _

__

__“SHUT UP CLARKE!” Anya shouts in anger, making her cringe at the words. Anya turns back aggressively towards Raven. Her voice sharp with disdain and resentment and suspicion. “DID YOU KNOW?” She asked at her girlfriend once more still giving Raven the benefit of the doubt._ _

__

__For a minute, Anya stood there looking silently at her girlfriend then scoffed harshly and steps back as if Raven’s silence spoke louder than words._ _

__

__She’s never seen Anya this upset before, the woman was always so put together and in control all the time._ _

__

__When Anya next spoke however, she seemed exceptionally calm, “Of course you did, right?” Anya whispers with a chuckle, still hoping for Raven to tell her otherwise._ _

__

__In the depth of Anya’s eyes, Clarke could see the devastating hurt of her girlfriend’s betrayal when the dirty blonde met her eyes briefly._ _

__

__But as fast as it came it left. It was quickly banked by her normal stoic expression._ _

__

__Her heart sinking, she felt awful knowing she was responsible._ _

__

__When Anya turned to leave Raven’s hand caught her upper arm halting her._ _

__

__“Anya wait..” Raven says lightly._ _

__

__“Get the hell out of my way.” Anya snaps and abruptly yanks her arm out of Raven’s tentative grasp._ _

__

__Before storming out, the woman shoots her a last glance of wrath._ _

__

__For a moment there is only silence, as all three women collect their thoughts of what just happened._ _

__

__“I tried to stop her,” Raven breaks the silence first, “She thought it was weird how you suddenly left when you saw Lexa. Then you followed Clarke, ignoring her.” The latina further explained._ _

__

___FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!_._ _

__

__First, she is hit hard by the most intense wave of guilt. The fact that Raven sacrificed her relationship to hide her relationship with Lexa is beyond. Her heart clenched at her chest._ _

__

__“I’m so sorry, Raven.” She says in a low voice approaching her best friend, tears already stinging her eyes. “I’ll talk to her. We’ll fix this.”_ _

__

__Raven nodded slowly giving her a weak smile, trying her best not to show how hurt she was by all of this._ _

__

__“Just....be happy Princess.” Raven tells her, her voice uncharacteristically strained; that it was truly too painful to hear._ _

__

__Unable to stop them, tears poured down her face._ _

__

__“Oh. Stop it Clarke.” The latina wraps her arms around her, pulling her into a tight embrace. “I’m happy you guys _finally_ decided to be together....About damn time too.”_ _

__

__“Thank You.” She choked as she still hugged her friend tightly._ _

__

__Raven then pulled away. “And you!” Raven says after a moment turning towards Lexa. “You better remember what I said last time. Treat her well or you’re dead Woods.” Her friend swore making her and Lexa chuckle. “She’s worth more than your weight in gold, you hear me!”_ _

__

__“I will.” The brunette promised, gazing at her with an amused smile dancing on her lips._ _

__

__“I mean it Lexi.” Raven laughs already walking away._ _

__

__“Please, don’t call me that.” Lexa mutters under her breath shooting the Latina a severe look of disapproval with the use of her name._ _

__

__The brunette’s green eyes flashed to hers, filled with annoyance and merriment. They shared a smile. Clarke knows that Raven means no harm and she is just being......Raven. Best thing of all, is that Lexa knows this too._ _

__

__“Yeah-Yeah.” Raven waved her hand dismissively. “I’m gonna go and make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid.” The latina said already walking away._ _

__

__For a long moment Lexa gazed at her in silence, the air suddenly seemed thicker than ever and the distance between their bodies ached. Her heart falters as fear trickled down her spine._ _

__

__Relationship expert, she wasn't, but she knew that they needed to communicate better for their relationship to work. Both have been guilty for their lack of communication in the past, it’s actually what brought them apart in the first place. So, the more they can talk-talk to each other, the more likely they’ll trust each other and be able to confide in each other more._ _

__

__Communication was really the key here._ _

__

__She crosses the short distance in a couple of steps and those green eyes are intense and gorgeous on her. She sees at how Lexa swallows thickly trying to gulp down her own fears and anxiety as she stood at eye level with her._ _

__

__Something was really wrong, and knew in her heart that the conversation was going to be a difficult one. She now understood why Lexa’s mind appeared so troubled the other night as she pretended to be asleep after she’d been awoken by her small sobs._ _

__

__Her heart hammers in her chest and she hates the look in the brunette’s eyes right now, and it’s crazy because she loves those gorgeous green eyes, but in this moment she hates the way Lexa is looking at her with sad eyes, it makes her heart ache with sadness._ _

__

__She lets out a sigh, afraid to breathe, talk, move or do anything— not that it’ll change whatever the brunette is about to say._ _

__

__“Lexa?” She says, her voice sounding weak and nervous._ _

__

__Lexa spoke next, her voice thick, and Clarke could hear the brunette fighting to keep it from quivering._ _

__

__“I was selected and given the opportunity to study this architectural program........abroad...”_ _

__

__Like a storm in her head, she attempts her best to process what Lexa has told her as they both stare in silence for some time. In an instant another wave of emotions washes over her—pain, more sadness, and heartache._ _

__

__She only allowed herself a moment to calm down and blinked the tears that were already welling up in her eyes before she spoke._ _

__

__“Ok.” She whispers, taking a deep breath in a feeble attempt to calm down and keep it together, “That’s good......right?”_ _

__

__In a slow way that she’s always loved, Lexa’s lips curl in a weak smile and simply nodded. It was a small sad smile but lovely._ _

__

__“I’m uh...I-I’m so proud of you, you know.” She commented sadly in response as she leaned closer and gently kissed the brunette’s cheek and lingered there for a moment._ _

__

__She takes a deep breath, keeping the wave of nausea at bay for a moment longer._ _

__

__There was so much to say. Too much not being said._ _

__

__“I suppose we could....umm...we could....” she starts to say but the rest of the words die out in her mouth, trying to control her emotions......because what exactly could she say or they could do? Long distance relationship...._ _

__

__“It’s a two year program Clarke.” The brunette speaks softly._ _

__

__Her face fell. “Oh.” she said in a small voice, looking away unable to form another word or thought that matched the enormity of what she was feeling this moment._ _

__

__“Listen to me....” Lexa coaxed stepping in closer, two inches closer and they’d be touching._ _

__

__The careful tone of Lexa’s voice let her know that she was not done telling her everything and her heart clenches tighter with fear as Lexa leaned to kiss her forehead, her hands framing her face._ _

__

__Clarke allowed herself to smile briefly and nodded slowly taking a deep breath to steady herself._ _

__

__“You’ve felt that I loved you more than you deserve before........and I know that the future we hold Clarke it’s so unclear right now. Hell! I don’t even know if a relationship is truly the right thing for us—“_ _

__

__“It is.” She exclaims and trembles under Lexa’s gentle touch realizing that the younger girl’s words held an element of truth to them._ _

__

__Last time Lexa had talked about her plans, her future and dreams with her she had ran away from the girl. Scared unable to bare the fact that Lexa had chosen her over her bright future by graduating early._ _

__

__“I need you to understand that it is my choice,” Lexa adds reading her eyes, “Mine only lov—Clarke.”_ _

__

__Clarke smiles at the slipped term of endearment. She loves the way Lexa referred to her with such affection and she feels like her heart is exploding. Lexa had almost called her ‘love’._ _

__

__The brunette continues looking at her lovingly, bringing her closer into the safety of her arms. “I know you worry about my dreams, my future? But my dreams....,” She whispers against her lips. “They’ve changed. They’re no longer the same.”_ _

__

__She closes her eyes and lets the sweetness of the gesture ease her aching heart enjoying the intimate moment. It’s a sweet reassurance._ _

__

__“I’d never leave you Lexa; if, you don’t ever want me to.” She spoke softly. That was her reassurance. Hell, she didn’t know how or where they’ll be going, but she’ll move to London, Paris, as long as Lexa was by her side._ _

__

__The brunette smiled and shook her head. “I’m not going.”_ _

__

__“You’re not?” She glanced at the brunette surprised._ _

__

__“I didn’t.” Lexa said again, shaking her head. “I was supposed to leave Monday. It’s why I came back to Easton....to say goodbye.”_ _

__

__Both slipped into silence._ _

__

__She thought at how just hours ago this morning she had nothing at all; she had been crying most of the time since the brunette had left._ _

__

__She was not gonna make the same mistake again. She deserved a chance at love, a chance at being loved again._ _

__

___One day at a time...._ _ _

__

__“You do understand that If you do this, you’re mine......Forever.” She declared._ _

__

__Both chuckled softly._ _

__

__She cautiously cupped the brunette’s face, pulling Lexa down and taking possession of her lips as she gently pursues the sweet taste of her mouth._ _

__

__“You know,” she said a moment later, slowly caressing Lexa’s lips with hers, “somehow I know it's all going to work out just fine. I think we're going to be okay.“_ _

__

__Lexa’s gaze lingering on her face for a moment and only nodded._ _

__

__“Let me handle this Clarke.” The brunette spoke._ _

__

__She shakes her head._ _

__

__“You seriously think Anya will listen to you?” Lexa asked with raised eyebrows._ _

__

__“Well, I have to try.” She answered quietly. “I can’t just do nothing.”_ _

__

__“You can’t go chasing her either. Look, I know Anya better than anyone and right now is not the time. She just needs to cool down.” Lexa tells her, squeezing her hand. “She will not let anyone, much less you; I promise.”_ _

__

__She hesitates a little before nodding, Lexa is right._ _

__

__“You’re right.” She says, and instantly shrieked in surprise when Lexa whirled her around in her arms._ _

__

__“I’m always right.” The brunette smirks and deposits a kiss on the nape of her neck resting her chin on her shoulder as they walk out to the art room._ _

__

__“Fine. But we’re still talking to her.” She said stopping and turning around again to loop her arms around Lexa’s neck. “Together.”_ _

__

__“When it’s the right time, I promise.” Lexa promised, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to her lips._ _

__

__

__

__

__

__//_ _

__


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quickly edited. Check!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dearest readers!  
> Step three has arrived!!!!
> 
> And as you may remember (I hope you do), I teased many things throughout the chapters that will be coming to light soon. We’ve come down the highest hill of the roller coaster but we’re not yet off the ride, expect minimum angst, but mostly fluff, romance, humor, sexy moments, smut .......I know some lost patience and got off but I am having the best time writing this story and sharing it with you all. Thank you to those that stayed and take the time to read it.
> 
> And again thank you, thank you for your kudos and comments!

 

∞ ∞ ∞

//

 

Two texts from Anya.

 **Anya Woods 3:35 p.m. :**

_Come over._

**Anya Woods 3:35 p.m. :**

_Gym._

It was how she found herself standing in the middle of the small training room in their house.

She didn't speak, just stood there waiting until Anya raised her resentful gaze.

Her cousin was already warmed up and geared up in her sports training tights, gloves on and showing off her toned body only in a sports bra.

For a good thirty seconds, they just stood there staring each other down, neither of them breaking eye contact.

“Put the gloves on.” Her cousin instructed.

“I’m not gonna fight you Anya.” 

She knew better. Anya had trained her and Anya was mad. No, Anya was livid, incoherent. 

She was no coward, she was confident she could take down her cousin on any given day. But in this moment, Anya was hurting. 

The woman had taught her this, as one way to get her rage, frustrations out. She’s always done it. Leave your rage in a punching bag. But it had always been alone when upset, making sure not to hurt anyone, or herself.

“We’re not fighting Lex. We’re training.”

“An.” She warns.

“Fine.” Her cousin moves to pick up the training pads. ”Here.” She shoves them in her upper abdomen making her grunt loudly.

Her cousin danced back and forth in front of her throwing jabs that made contact to the pads each time without saying a word. All she could hear as the time passed was Anya’s grunts as she banged the pads, and the pads weird ass sound every time her cousin threw a strike. 

It’s funny. She thought. At first when Anya started training her, she thought that grunting during training was super annoying and weird, but with time and experience, she learned that there were actually scientific studies done showing that grunting while performing an exercise can actually increase your output by 10%…. 

Yes! 10%!!!! 

So, yeah. She’s definitely that annoying as fuck asshole who grunts now while training. 

She chuckles to herself at the thought. _I mean, really,_ 10% is a lot when it comes to the amount of power in a punch——

“FOCUS!” Anya throws her into a headlock.

“Damn it An!” 

”Since when do you call me An?” Her cousin asked. “I thought you hated nicknames.”

She did. Not too long ago.

She quickly escapes by throwing her elbow into Anya’s stomach. She may not be dressed properly but she knows how to defend herself and play dirty.

Anya gives her a _fucking-bitch_ look and says, “Ok,” her hands up in the air.

She is quick but her cousin is quicker. Anya steps in again and grunts loudly, in a quick move slamming a slow, steady punch high and centered to her stomach.

It was struck perfectly, with enough force, _Hell of a 10%_.....She did not see that one coming. 

“Fuck!” She groans holding desperately onto Anya, as the punch was muscle death, leaving her legs jello and silent in shock for a breathless moment.

“You deserved that.” Anya tells her, holding her up, for a few seconds. “Relax and breathe kid.”

 _I guess I did deserve that._ She thought before breathing in deeply, as if she is drawing her last breath.

She winced as she straightened up and turned around to look back at her cousin who is now wearing a small satisfied smile on her face. 

“Bitch.” She calls her.

“Kid.” Anya shoots back.

Like old times, after a training session they laid down on the floor, flat on their back for sometime, at least until their breathing steadied.

Every breath she takes feels a step towards death. It had been so long since she’s taken a punch or done any type of workout. 

Since, Clarke............

“I love her.” She blurted it out as she sat up, and stretched her legs wide. 

“Of course you do.” Said her cousin, followed by a mocking chuckle.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She laced her voice and grinded her teeth waiting for her cousin to meet her glare. 

“Clarke’s a blonde bombshell Lexa. You’re eighteen and behind all that.....you’re a nerd.” Anya replied in a matter of fact tone, taking off her gloves and tossing them against the wall.

“I’m not a nerd.” She huffed.

“No, you’re not.” Anya continues, clearly enjoying herself. “Because you don’t spend hours reading NASA articles and watching squid documentaries.”

“It’s ‘brain food’!” She smiles briefly in her defense. “It’s instructive _and_ remarkable!” /p >

“Yeah, sure.” Anya said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes. “And who talks like that Lexa?”

“I do!” She says as matter-of-factly pointing at herself. 

Why is it that most adults frequently snub and completely ignore the younger generation? Always cast off as ignorant, arrogant and plain stupid. She is meant to be seen and heard.

“You’re eighteen!” Anya looked at her with an almost comical perplexity. 

They both laughed softly together until a companionable silence settled over them for a long while.

“You know” Anya finally spoke, “I did see it. I mean, I wasn’t blind, Lexa.” Anya tells her. “From you, though. I just never thought Clarke had the guts to—“

“She didn’t,” She cuts her cousin mid-sentence. “It’s why I left back to Polis.” She shudders. “I couldn’t stand the fact that she didn’t love me enough to be with me. That I wasn’t enough....It’s why I left.”

“Is she the reason you stayed?” Anya asked, trying to understand.

“No, I did that for me.” She answered assertively. “I sat there Anya...” she took a deep breath, “Ready to board that plane and I thought it over and over again in my head at how until then I had always been running......from everyone and everything.....my dad...and now Clarke......I was leaving because of Clarke, ‘cause I couldn’t gain some grip on reality. I left Polis back then because of him. Running had always been easier for me than remaining....”

“But you stayed...”

“Because _I_ wanted to. Not for him, not for Clarke.....for me.”

“Or me.” Anya says absently. 

She glanced at her, and her cousin managed to give her a weak smile. She smiled back at her, but guilt stabbed at her instantly. Anya had always been so good to her, she took her in when she didn’t have to and yet, she couldn’t trust her enough.....

“So, What? Are you two together now?” Her cousin asked.

“I don’t know.” She whispers and stared out her hands. “It’s complicated.”

“I thought you said you loved her?” Anya turned to look at her, puzzled.

“I do. But Clarke..... she makes me feel everything at once; scared, insecure, powerless, off-center....”

“That’s love.....Stop thinking it is all about you. Fall off your path sometime, ease up—”

“I did and it broke _me_.” She paused then draws in a breath, and softens her voice. “I lost myself.”

“Love takes courage and commitment.” Anya looks into her eyes, the words cutting deep into her. “Look. I don’t know what happened between you two and I don’t want to know but I’m sure Clarke didn’t have it easy either. I know her.” Anya paused, then poked her in the arm. “ **You** have to be willing to drop the “I” sometime......But first _you_ must allow yourself to forgive _**and**_ forgive yourself. Flip the page.” 

She bites her lip and nods as tears sting at her eyes and said nothing more.

 

“You haven’t gotten her pregnant yet haven’t you?” Anya teased, trying once again to lighten the mood.

She shook in laughter. “You and Raven are two of the same.” 

By the time she had said that, Anya had already stood up at the mentioned of her girlfriend’s name.

“Anya.” She called, standing up. “I give you my word, Raven had nothing—”

“That’s between the two of us Lexa.” Anya snapped, her face flushed with anger once again. “Stay the hell out of it.” 

“I couldn’t trust anyone.” She tried to reasoned. “This is all my fault. I made Clarke fall in love with me, I sought her—“

“You’re still not listening.” Anya asked cutting her off and raising her head defiantly. “You still think I give a fuck about you banging your art teacher Lexa?”

She could see her cousin gazing at her, waiting for her to answer the question. She stood there shocked and confused. She didn’t understand.

“It actually makes me proud.” Anya chuckles.

Anya’s reply took her aback. She looked at her cousin speechless as it dawned on her. This is not about her. 

Bitter regret, and pain flooded her.

“No really. It does.” Anya made a scoffing noise. “But the fact that my own blood, my best friend and my girlfriend couldn’t trust me enough.....That’s what hurts the most.........You didn’t have to trust anyone. You just had to trust _me_.”

Unable to go on Anya turned abruptly and walked out down to the corridor, leaving her to stare after her.

 

//

 

_Hey. Are you awake?_

 

She texted the blonde. 

It was a little after 8 at night when she arrived at Clarke’s home, uninvited. 

She honestly didn't know what she was doing there except the need to see the blonde. She wanted to feel Clarke hold her, comfort her, kiss her and most of all listen to her as Clarke had always done in the past. This could work.......

She sighed, mentally slapping herself for not texting or calling the blonde before she made the decision to drive over. More so when she didn’t see the white Jeep parked outside, there was a possibility that Clarke was not even home.

 

Her phone buzzed.

 

**Blue Eyes 8:15 p.m. :**

_I’m only 25 baby._

 

 

Instantly her lips curved to a smile after reading the text and chuckled softly at reading the new incoming text.

 

 **Blue Eyes 8:15 p.m. :**

Still young, dashing and very much awake. ;-)

 

 

 _I’m outside._

She sent back.

 

 

She sat still inside her car staring at her phone waiting for a reply. 

Nothing.

One minute. 

Nada. 

Two minutes......

A tap at her car window startles her, almost making her drop the phone in her hand. 

She looked up into the face of a blonde looking at her with a dazzling smile. _Dashing_ ; indeed, she thought to herself. 

Clarke looked absolutely beautiful, dressed in just a purple NYU|Steinhardt student T-Shirt and short-shorts, wavy blonde locks naturally flowing down over her shoulders. And suddenly she has many questions about the NYU T-shirt.

She made a mental note to ask the blonde later.

She had barely stepped off the car when in one deft move, Clarke pulled her in for a soft kiss.

“Hi,” She managed when they parted, maybe two inches from her face.

She couldn’t think when the blonde kissed her like that. 

“Hey, Hii-Hii-Hello.” The blonde said back, excitement evident in her voice and pretty face. 

Without another word Clarke grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the house. Once barely inside, she felt her back hitting the wall as the blonde presses her body flush against her, kissing her again. 

“This is a nice surprise.” Clarke breathes her in as she breaks the kiss.

“Sorry —”

Cupping her cheeks, the blonde pulled her lips to hers once again. 

“Does it look like I’m protesting?” The blonde grinned before pulling her yet again by the hand to get her further inside, towards the kitchen. 

_This woman._ She smiled, feeling all fluttery inside.

“I just got in. I’m making some dinner.” Said Clarke, as she turned away.

 _But you hate cooking?_ Well, as far as she remembers Clarke did. 

“You’re cooking?” She asked surprised, as she stood frozen in place where the woman had left her.

“Nothing fancy.” The blonde flashed a quick smile at her, “There is no better or more perfect dinner than a PB&J sandwich.”

She laughed; hard, while rolling her eyes. 

“Hey, despite all those rumors you’ve probably heard,” The blonde smirks, the playful glint in her eyes giving away her amusement. “PB&J sandwiches aren't just for kids.”

“No!!?” She pretends to be surprise at the news.

“Nope!” Clarke said, popping the ‘P’. 

_Where is Clarke and what have you done to her?_ She wanted to ask.

She could hear the sound of her heart, pin-balling across her rib-cage as the blonde smiles, that beautiful breathtaking smile that makes the clock move a hundred times slower than it should. 

“Want some?” The blonde offered.

And she finds herself once again being pulled—back to the present by Clarke’s low, raspy voice. 

The blonde is now standing in front of her, holding the sandwich close to her mouth. 

“Yum.” She says, taking a big bite from her sandwich.

The blonde is still smiling, sending her heart fluttering, drawing her dumbfounded gaze to her stunning blue eyes. 

_My god, that is her._. She tells herself. 

Her Clarke. 

She’d seen bits and pieces before, but never like this. She liked her like this—unguarded and relaxed. Clarke was showing her another side to this complex woman who was now her......... _girlfriend?_

What was Clarke? She wondered.

_It’s complicated._

She cleared her throat and lets herself watch Clarke for a moment before she spoke, avoiding the sudden questions in her head.

“I talked to Anya.” She informs the blonde. 

Without a word Clarke motioned them away towards the couch into the living room allowing her to continue.

But as she sat down she winced at the sudden movement, the punch Anya had given her had already bruised and hurt every time she moved her stomach. 

She breathed in slowly knowing the pain would clear in a few seconds.

“What happened?” Clarke asked.

She saw the lines of concern form on the blonde’s brow. 

“Lexa. Did she hurt you?” Asked Clarke.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine.” She dismissed the woman’s concern. 

But saw that worry still remained in those pretty blues more so when the blonde abandons her sandwich at the coffee table and stares at her. But didn’t pressed allowing her to go on.

She didn’t. Instead a heavy silence fell between them. 

“I’m still leaving to Boston.......in a few months.” She said without preamble, wanting to be as honest as possible with the blonde. “After I graduate, I’ll come back to Polis and work for my father.” 

She released a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. 

Clarke remained silent.

“That’s the plan.” She went on. “It’s why I can’t promise more Clarke.”

The blonde still looked at her the way any woman in love wanted to be looked at, with love. So much love.

”I needed you to know that.” She cloncluded, gazing at the blonde with eyes that seemed to expect Clarke to understand.

Clarke reached over, took her hand in hers and lifted it to her lips, brushing a feather-light kiss across her knuckles. 

“I can not promise tomorrow either Lexa.” Clarke said with an affected sigh. “I wasn't looking for love when I met you but I fell so deeply in love with you. I don’t know how, when....but it just happened.” The blonde chuckles, then sucked in a breath and looked up, meeting her eyes with a steady purpose. “Being with you is the most crazy and the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me in my whole _already crazy_ life........”

An infectious smile spreads across Clarke’s face.

 _My God_ She thought as her breath caught in her throat. Clarke was not gonna make it easy on her. 

”Even if it lasted tonight only, that if later tonight Anya comes to murder me and cuts me to pieces.....I.Would.Die.Happy.” 

The blonde smiled, her expression bittersweet and endearing.

”Look, all we have is this moment....It’s really all what anyone has. Besides, a few months is more than now, more than tonight and tomorrow.” 

The simple words made her heart swell. She gazed into the blonde’s bright blue eyes and smiled tentatively as she thought what a stubborn, stubborn woman Clarke was. 

”And if there's another reason you're not willing, you should tell me now, though my heart is already yours.” 

Slowly she shook her head as there was nothing more to say.

Both content in a deep heartfelt sigh and looking into each other's eyes, Clarke’s head bowed down closer to her and she met the blonde halfway, claiming her mouth for a soft, the softest of all kisses.

Clarke’s mouth was gentle on hers, almost tentative, as though the blonde had never kissed her before. As if it was their first kiss. 

Sweet, slow, pure and tender. 

When the blonde’s lips part moments later, she took that as permission to kiss her deeply, their tongues dancing and Clarke’s intensity quickly matching her own. Tugging her closer, she settled back against the sofa so that the blonde lay half on top of her.

The kiss deepens, grows sloppier, needy and more demanding as Clarke presses herself against her. Her body growing breathless and full of longing. The feel of the blonde made her crave her more, made her wants to feel Clarke, feel each inch of her velvety skin at a time and all at once. 

They pulled away simultaneously to catch their breaths. Loosing no time the blonde popped open the buttons of her shirt slowly and trailed her fingers over her heated abs.

“ _I’m_ gonna kill Anya.” The blonde puffs her chest out, seeing the small forming bruise on her stomach.

She lets out a laugh.

“You're so much beautiful than I remember." Clarke breathes, meeting her eyes. 

The blonde slowly slides her fingers down the skin of her stomach, blue eyes reflecting excitement by the toned hardness of her stomach. 

She lays still, relaxed and in a very warm, aroused state as the blonde continues to slowly caress her with her fingertips, then lowered to place a gentle kiss on her bruised skin. 

Her heart soaring at the simple gesture and lets herself be entranced by the searing pair of stunning blues and lips that now suggested all sorts of steamy seduction. 

All sorts.

Infinitely stronger than Clarke, she could easily take charge at any point, but the fact that Clarke is present to enjoy her this much made her submit. Her heavy lidded gaze followed each and every of Clarke’s movement, unable to do much more than comply to her needs.

Straddling her thighs, Clarke slowly drags her shirt up her torso, reveling inch by inch of her skin and leaving her breasts exposed to her view since the blonde was not wearing any bra.

She thanked the heavens, the Gods and the universe for this beautiful creation in front of her. 

Clarke’s nipples were already taut and peaked. She couldn’t resist biting her lower lip as she looked into a darker shade of blue eyes staring back. Clarke was a vision of beauty. Alluring and devilishly gentle in her execution. 

She eased up, her hands sliding from the blonde’s waist to her exposed mounds. Her left hand brushing over her nipple, and with her tongue she flicked over the other breast, sucking it into her mouth.

“Lex,” Clarke gasped as her tongue toyed with her nipple. 

With a groan she rolled the two of them over so that she was lying on top of the blonde. She could feel the thrumming of Clarke’s heartbeat through the flesh as she pressed herself to her.

The blonde skimmed her fingertips down her spine until her hands finally land on her ass, giving her a tight-tight squeeze to her ass cheeks with both hands playfully.

“I always wanted to do that.” The blonde smiles sweetly into her mouth.

She gives no verbal response, but just a chuckle; she couldn’t help it when she felt the blonde’s giggles against her throat while still kissing her and massaging her butt. 

Clarke’s laughter had her shaking her head. 

_This Woman...._

“Clarke!!! Honey!? You left the door—”

“MOM!!” The blonde jumped. 

She jumped away from Clarke as if burned, her green eyes looking up in a sudden panic she couldn't hide. Her fingers quickly buttoning her shirt. Once done, her whole body froze as she straightened and met Mrs. Griffin honey fiery eyes.

“You could’ve knocked mom!!!” The blonde moved around to pick up the discarded NYU T-shirt from the floor, folding her arms across her chest to cover the rose and creamy beauty of her breasts.

She made another mental note to remind herself and ask Clarke about the NYU shirt. As for very obvious reasons, now was definitely not the time. 

“You left your front door open Clarke.” Said Mrs. Griffin.

 _Right._ She doesn’t remember Clarke or herself closing the door. Mrs. Griffin was telling nothing but the truth. 

“You knew I was coming.” Mrs. Griffin said matter-of-factly.

“Yes.” The blonde replied turning to her, and briefly flashing her perfect breasts to her as she pulled the shirt back on. “I—forgot.”

“Clearly.” Mrs. Griffin spat back a retort, shooting her a narrow honey-eyed look and just stared at her.

She gulped. 

_Mr. Griffin must have the soft blue eyes....._ she thought.

“Don’t worry,” The blonde tells her before turning around towards her mother. “It’s not the first time my mother catches me with a girl.”

Mrs. Griffin pulled her daughter into a loose hug, gently kissing her on the cheek.

“Hello mother.” The blonde greeted.

“I brought dinner.” Said the doctor, setting the takeout bags over the counter.

She swallowed. Hard, when she took notice of the older woman moving towards her. 

_I’m a dead woman and I only lived up to eighteen._

She started thinking of an escape plan. But there was not enough time as the doctor stood in front of her in three long strides.

Clarke was not kidding when she had said her mother was intense and intimidating.

“Dr. Abigail Griffin.” The older woman extends a hand. “Seems like my daughter has forgotten her manners.”

 _It’s a handshake._ She could breathe again.

“Alexandria Woods.“ She shook her hand and gave a polite nod. “Pleasure to meet you Dr. Griffin.” 

“Under other circumstances I would’ve said the same, Miss Woods.” The woman jabs.

She groaned inwardly, shame and embarrassment drawing every last bit of warmth from her cheeks.

 _I concur, Mrs. Griffin_. Strongly. She thought in her head. 

“Please grab the plates, and let Clarke serve.” The doctor ordered in a calm voice. 

“Oh, I ummm...” She started but before she could blurt out her excuse to leave Mrs. Griffin had cut her off.

“Please, don’t tell me you have to go now. Just a minute ago you seemed quite pleased to stay.”

 _Oh.My.God!_ This was not happening.......She turned to look at the blonde for help, but found Clarke with her eyes squeezed shut in amusement. 

She cleared her throat and walked over to the kitchen in total obedience, then halted. 

_For fuck’s sake!_ Where the hell does Clarke keep her plates? 

In reality, this was the first time she’d been all the way inside of Clarke’s place.

“Third, left-upper-wall cabinet.” The blonde came to her rescue.

She went to pull the plates out and set them on the counter as Clarke walked over and stood in close proximity almost pressing her body against her, reaching for the silverware inside the drawers. 

_God_ , Clarke smelled so incredibly good she wanted to......She halted her train of thought before it could go any farther and tried to compose herself.

Mrs. Griffin then proceeded to move towards her to take the plates she had set over the counter, the doctor stared at her for a moment longer, studying her intently and making her struggle a bit internally. 

She stood rooted, frozen to the same spot in the excruciating silence.

“You missed a button.” The doctor informed her dryly. 

She physically cringed as she looked down at her wrinkled white shirt.....No. Not one. But she had indeed missed two buttons.

Now, instead of feeling that wave of shame and embarrassment, she felt all three kinds of empathy towards herself; cognitive, emotional and compassionate.

That being said.........

“Excuse me. I need to use the bathroom.” She excused herself, her feet were not fast enough until she stops in the middle of the living room. 

_Where the fuck is the bathroom?_

It just keeps getting better and better.

“I'll show you," said Clarke, running to her rescue once again. 

Taking her arm the blonde leads her down the short hallway into the small bathroom, second door to the left. _Of course._

“Don’t forget to wash your hands!” 

Mrs. Griffin shouted from the kitchen and Clarke just burst out laughing as she shuts the door.

“Are you out of your mind?” She asked in a lower voice, perplexed. “That’s your mother Clarke! Oh my God, how could you forget!”

”Yes, Lexa. That is her, I think I would know—” The blonde grinned, stifling a laugh.

She started pacing around the small bathroom like a caged puppy. She swears she is close to having a panic attack.

“Ok. Whoa! Hey.” The blonde said, looking at her, unfazed by what had just transpired. “Relax, it’s fine.”

“Clarke.” She whispers in a small plea.

“Lexa! Listen to me." Clarke stroked her face, tracing her cheekbones, the arch of her eyebrows; her voice was soft and gentle. “I don’t care. I’m done hiding.”

“Wha—” She raised raised both eyebrows, caught by surprise, “And are you sure about that?” She said slowly, before meeting Clarke’s gaze again.

“Yes, of course I'm sure.” Clarke smiles. 

She tilts her head as the blonde wraps her arms around her neck and pulls her much closer to her. She doesn’t resist. 

“I'm determined that what we have has to stop being something so dark and hidden.” The blonde whispers before pressing her lips to hers. “Baby, you and I have nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Ok.” She released a soft sigh, and slid her arm around the blonde’s torso letting herself sink into the feeling of holding her close, “Ok.” She whispered again, calmly and quietly.

Just as Clarke was about to kiss her again she reach around to squeeze her ass with both hands, and Clarke yelps. 

She reluctantly drew away and yelled, “You need to go!”

She hurried the blonde through the door and Clarke exchanges a disappointed look.

“Before your mother thinks we’re having sex in the bathroom.” She explained.

“Got ya.” The blonde said; turning to give her another quick kiss before walking out.

“No. Clarke. Wait. Wait.” She pulls the woman back inside. “She said to wash your hands.”

Leaning in to brush a light kiss against her mouth smiling, the blonde whined, “But I didn’t even get to touch you.” Clarke pouts.

“Just do it.” She insisted with exasperation. 

Clarke obediently went to the sink to wash her hands. When done, the blonde turned to face her and held up her hands. 

“Ok. Go.” She approves.

“Oh, she is so going to love you.” Grinned Clarke, stepping in closer like a rebellious teenager and closes the distance taking her lower lip into hers and smiling into the kiss. 

For a second she kissed the blonde back just as hard as she was kissing her. 

“You still owe me a few orgasms that I plan to collect later.” Said the blonde raising her voice as she opened the door.

”Clarke!” She groaned, and Clarke tilts her head back in laughter.

Grinning, the blonde moves to quickly drop a kiss on her cheek then pulled back and finally walked out the door.

 _God,_ this woman will truly be the death of her. Although.........the smile on her face was undeniable. 

Immutable. 

Irrepressible. 

Clarke was talented and smart, charming and weird, the kind of woman she could easily loose herself back in love with.

Her heart thudded against her chest.

Yeah. She loves her.

∞ ∞ ∞

//

 

*


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby + Clarke

∞ ∞ ∞ 

//

 

//

 

Things had changed drastically with her mother after Lexa had disappeared from her life. All these months as she had been absorbed in her heartbreak of Lexa’s absence, her mother provided all the nurturing, as any good mother should or would. 

Somehow the great and prestige surgeon was able to bind —somewhat her wounds. They had actually started spending more time together, not from a sense of a ‘ _mother’s_ ’ obligation, but through choice. 

Which became something incredibly rewarding; both learning to let go of the past, allowing a new dynamic to develop in their mother-daughter relationship —sort of creating a special bond. 

One that had them both on more equal footing, by approaching each other in a more mature and healthy way. To the point that they had become close friends.

But let’s back up a bit, three months ago.

 

 

_**Thanksgiving Day.....**_

 

_This was the first year in a long time she had been home for Thanksgiving._

_This special day had once been her favorite holiday, she remembers close friends and family gathered together for dinner every year, everyone thankful for the things they had and didn’t have, all giving each and one of them, including herself a sense of contentment._

_Ah. Those were the days._

_For the past few years though after leaving, her mother had invited her over, but she’d always decline with the excuse of work._

_Sometimes setting healthy boundaries was not a sin. It was just necessary when it came to her mother._

_Last year however, she was left with no legitimate excuse as her mother and Kane had showed up at her apartment’s doorstep in New York two days before Thanksgiving._

_This year, her friends begged, Abby threatened and her father promised he would come for moral support if she’d wanted him to; because, apparently, she needed to embrace all her blessings, and that included her mother._

_The great Dr. Abigail Griffin._

_After Lexa showed up unexpectedly at her doorstep that morning, her Thanksgiving plans to spend all day with her friends were completely forgotten. Instead she locked herself in her room and cried for several hours._

_Because that is what you do when you are heartbroken, when you hurt the person you love and loves you, when you failed to explain that your big brother from another mother is not exactly your lover._

_Too Damn late for regrets now....._

_Later that day, taking a deep breath later she mustered up all the strength and courage she had left to put up a happy face to **face** her friends and mother for Thanksgiving dinner._

_Even though they had all left at the same time from her home, she was the last to arrive._

_When she entered the home, the aroma of Thanksgiving filled the house and the melancholy feeling was replaced by wonderful memories that lit the corners of her mind._

_The greatest memories of all, were those of her mother and father._

_Family._

_Family and friends that were always present to fill all of the occasions, sharing and enjoying each other’s precense._

_She remembers being able to fly as a small child. She recalls her childhood filled with wonder and joy; she was the princess in every fairytale book, best of all she truly was the princess in real life._

_Those were the days to treasure, to cherish.....and she only has one person to thank for those great memories._

_Her mother._

_‘At least dinner looked under control,’ she thought as she stepped foot into her mother’s home._

_Nothing smelled burnt yet. So that was good. She smiled._

_The table looks amazingly beautiful, harvest colored floral arrangements with candles in the middle._

_Of course, her mother had gone all and about._

_She walked slowly down the hall without looking at anyone in the gathering room, although she could feel all their eyes on her. She ignored the fact that the noise in the room had gone silent._

_She was only halfway to where her mother kept all the alcohol when said woman rushes forward and envelopes her in a hug, saying:_

_“Clarke! You’ve made it!!!”_

_“Yeah.” She tried to smile at her mother but fell short._

_“Honey, what’s wrong?” Her mother asked._

_She shifted and stepped back quite uncomfortably under the older woman’s inspecting gaze, hoping her make up was enough to hide the sadness in her eyes or the shadows under them._

_But of course it wasn’t._

_“Clarke.” Her mother fixed her a look._

_“I’m fine.” She shrugged it off. “I was up late and I’m just tired.”_

_“You look too thin and beyond tired. I know you.” Her mother kept her tone gentle. “You’re not okay.” Abby stated as a matter of factly._

_Her appetite hadn't been so great, and she had indeed lost a few pounds but there is no way she would tell her mother that. The woman didn’t need to know all the details. No. She didn’t._

_“Well. I am.” She lied and drew in a deep breath trying to break off her internal struggle. “Just been exercising a little.”_

_“No need for that. You already look perfect.” Her mother threw a beaming smile at her._

_“Thanks mom.” She smiles genuinely. “So. How long until dinner?” She asked hoping to change the subject._

_“My God Clarke, you just got here. It’s been a long time since we have gathered for dinner.” Abby walked over to her. “Come on, help me take that turkey out from the oven.”_

_”You cooked?” She asked with a chuckle, picturing her mother cooking an actual meal._

”Of course!” Her mother beams. “Come one.” 

_She nodded and followed suit._

_“Bellamy!!” Her mother called startling her, as both entered the beautiful kitchen._

_The heart of her mother’s home._

_“You called Mama G?” Bellamy asked, stumbling to the kitchen within seconds._

_“Come here sweetheart. We need strong arms.” Explained her mother._

_“Ugh!” She cringed and rolled her eyes when she arrived at the counter serving herself a glass of wine._

_“What are these for, right?” Bellamy beamed at her once done; cannily displaying his bulging biceps._

_“No kidding.” She teased him. “I was beginning to think they were just for show.”_

_Bellamy began to laugh himself. Her mother radiated her happiness at him as he made his way out of the kitchen._

_“Honey,” Her mother whirled around, clapping her hands, “You remember your friend Wells don’t you?”_

_Her mother is still grinning, making her a little nervous._

_“Elementary School Wells Jaha?” She answered pensively. “It’s been years.”_

_Already wondering where she was going with this._

_“Well....he just moved back to Polis. He will soon begin his residency in internal medicine at the hospital....”_

_Aaahh. Yes. _Of course._ She knows exactly where this is going....she guessed Bellamy is now off her list._

_“He asked about you......and well, I thought that maybe.....”_

_“Mom, I’m not looking for anyone.” She cut her mother’s explanation short._

_“I know.” Her mother paused, a guilty look flashing through her eyes. “But, I invited him Clarke, I—”_

_“You did what?” Her tone was just short of anger, and eyes already shone with such intensity._

_“He’s here. Sweetheart, you two were good friends.” Excitement dripping throughout her voice, “Ugh! You need to see him Clarke. He’s grown into such a fine man—”_

_“Stop.......” Her throat constricted, choking her words. “Just stop, ok?”_

_Her eyes already filling with tears urging her mother to step closer._

_She should’ve stayed home._

_No._

_She should’ve gone after Lexa.....she should’ve explained. She should’ve._

_The simple name of the brunette’s suggested thoughts and memories too painful to be endured at the moment._

_“Damn it!” She said before she let a tear fall._

_“Clarke?” Her mother asked, compassion warming her voice. “What’s going on? What aren't you telling me?”_

_"You have no right. Mom.....why can’t you just get it?” She bit down hard to keep her lip from trembling, unable to move. “I—I love her mom.”_

_Abby approaches her and placed a hand on her arm upon realizing how broken she looks, she is._

_“Honey, I thought you said it’s been years since you and Khloe,” Abby paused, “I had no idea that you two were still trying to work things out—“_

_“Not Khloe Mom.” She mutters defeated, feeling way too exhausted to explain._

_“Another woman?” The woman asked looking surprised._

_“Yes, Mother!” She laughed bitterly as she turns to walk away. “Another Woman!”_

_“I didn’t mean it like that.” Her mother tries to explain. “Clarke, I’m sorry.”_

_Deep down, both knew sorry wasn’t ever going to be good enough for all the damage that was done. But...._

_“Why can’t you just accept the way that I am? I am in love and yes it’s another woman.”_

_She turned away, almost sobbing._

_In a matter of one fucking day, she had ruined everything. Everything._

_“Clarke I do—“ Abby reaches for her arm to stall her._

_“No you don’t!” She spoke in a strained, monotone voice. “You never have! All this time, it was always you.”_

_Her mother stood motionless—silent as she went on._

_“I have lived all my life to your expectations mom, to prove you wrong. To prove myself that I’m not just your fucking disappointment.”_

_“You’re not. I’m proud of you sweetheart.” Her mother assured desperately, her voice trembled. “I’m trying the best I can, Clarke. I am!”_

_She laughed a low, harsh laugh, and flung her mother’s arm from her._

_“Well it’s not enough.” She said moving towards the door._

_“You never gave us a chance!” Her mother shouted, completely halting her. “You never....you never gave me a chance.”_

_The words echoed in her head, and taking a deep breath, she turned to look at her mother. She was right. She never did give her mother a chance._

_Was that where she went wrong?_

_“If only you would’ve talked to me Clarke....If only you would’ve trusted me. Maybe things would’ve turned out differently. But you are my only child and I will always love you no matter what.”_

_For a moment of dead quiet, she closed her eyes for an instant to try to collect herself_

_“I’m sorry mom.” She says quietly._

_“No. Clarke. I—I’m sorry.” Her mother whispers, there was a quaver in her voice. “I was afraid....afraid to watch you struggle and bear all that emotional burden of it all, things were different back then you know that....and I felt such failure because I knew that I could no longer protect you....”_

_Her mother cupped her face in her hands and gave her a loving smile as she keeps quiet and meditates on her mother’ Words._

_“But you were never a disappointment to me Clarke. Never.......in fact I was. I failed you as your mother. How could I missed what was happening? Why didn’t I see it?” Tears streamed down her mother's face as she relived her pain. “I don’t know what else to say? Tell me what you want me to do?”_

_“Nothing mom.” She said moving towards her mother, whispering. “Nothing.”_

_She wanted nothing more than to be in that room, with her mother's arms around her as if she were that little girl again. She embraced the woman who’s taught her what love is, the woman who made her believe in fairytales, the only one who made her feel like a true princess._

_Her mother gladly accepts her in her arms. Sobbing, she collapses in her arms both conveying their emotions through sobs, tears and shakes._

_“I love you so much Clarke.” Her mother whispers after the sobs subsided. “And I am so proud of the woman you've become, the woman you are.”_

_“I love you Mom.” She manages to say as she snuggled as close to her mother's body as she can get._

_Abby kisses the top of her head, running her hand over her back, trying to comfort her. She held on to her mother ever so tightly feeling light for the first time in weeks._

__

 

Since then every day has been a new chance to pick herself up, trying to make amends with yesterday, and aimed for a better today. 

Today........

She can see all the questions on the tip of her mother’s tongue as she returns to the kitchen where the woman stood.

Abby looks squarely at her, daring her to argue. Both take turns throwing pre-catfight glares at one another. 

Oh, she knows what is coming. A storm. Lightning and thunder, hail and......

“Clarke.......” Her mother starts, tentatively at first, “Please tell me that next time I see you, it will not be behind bars because of that girl!”

She pinches the bridge of her nose, already in frustration before shooting her mother a ‘not now’ look. 

“Clarke.” Her mother follows her hoping she will accept it this time.

She won’t. 

She chooses not to respond. And stood silent letting her mother know that her relationship with Lexa was not up to discussion. 

Not now. 

Not ever.

“Clarke Griffin.” The doctor announced in a sharp tone.

Her mother had not called her by her full name in more than six years. 

Six years. 

In the past that usually led to one thing; a battle of the Griffins.

Without decisive results. 

It is why this conversation needed be over before it could even start. She had already messed up by forgetting her mother was coming tonight. 

Her induced excitement of seeing the brunette took over her mind and body that she had forgotten. 

_Damn it!_

She knows the situation is not ideal, but there’s nothing else she could do now but to make sure Lexa does not feel uncomfortable to the point of freaking out and disappear on her once again. 

Especially her mother being the reason. 

As she‘d said before, their love was not strong enough to bear the heaviest burden that life could lay upon them. Today’s —been her mother.

 _Damn you Clarke!!!_ she scolds herself. How could she let this happened? 

Quick thoughts hit her, of every possible thing that could go wrong tonight. But she’d die before she’d let her mother hurt the brunette, the way Abby had hurt Khloe several years ago.........She shook her head at the simple thought as if it were a bad taste in her mouth then sighed, pushing away all of her tumbling thoughts.

“Clarke....” her mother called again and waited.

“Mom.” She stops and maintains her glance on her mother. “Her name is Lexa and that’s all _you_ need to know.” 

Her tone gives no room for argument. 

But of course Dr. Abigail Griffin could not live or breathe without being heard.

“That girl cannot be more than twenty Clarke.” Her mother says, shaking her head refusing to believe.

“ _That’s_ because she is not.” She explains calmly over her shoulder as she walks over to the fridge to take a bottle of wine. 

Dr. Griffin will definitely need it later tonight.

“Are you out of your damn mind?” Abby let out a long whisper-shout, thankfully just loud enough for her to hear. 

She sighed deeply, before turning to face her mother once more. She found Abby’s eyes widened, looking horrified. 

She almost laughed. 

Almost. 

She took the take-out bags into her hands and moved to the small dining area ignoring her mother.

“Clarke! Are you even listening? Have you lost your mind?” Her mother strode furiously behind her, demanding answers. “Is she one of your students Clarke?”

“She’s not.” She said shortly, remaining calm.

“Oh thank God!” The woman shouted and breathed in dramatic relief.

She wasn’t lying. Lexa was no longer her student. 

”Look,” She paused, her tone a bit sharpened but still low, “if what you need is confirmation that Lexa is legally an adult. Yes, mother. She is.” She said, returning to the kitchen area and picking up the plates to set the table. 

“She’s eighteen!!!?” Abby raised her voice uncontrollably, propelled by her emotions. 

“Shhhh.” She rushed towards her mother and shushed the woman frantically, then whispered, “Keep your voice down!” 

“What were you thinking!?” Abby continues, this time lowering her voice. “She’s so much younger than you. Where’s your head?”

She jerks her head up to look at her mother amazed, in an opened-mouth way. 

Younger than her? 

It simply ENRAGES her and she yells back; “You, of all people Mother,” she argues, tossing the napkins onto the table. “I truly did not expect this coming from you. Especially you! My father—“

“Clarke, NO!” The doctor’s voice rose again, “That is completely different!”

“How MOM?” She calls out angrily and raises her voice too. “How is it different?” She finally interjects with an incredulous sharp tone. “Because he’s a man and I happen to be a woman?” 

“No, honey!!” Abby took a seat as she thought carefully on what to say next. 

“Clarke,” her mother starts again much much careful in an attempt to remedy the situation. “You are a smart, grown, independent AND beautiful woman sweetheart. Settled in life....You’ve done so good for yourself sweetie and she’s......” She gestured in the direction of the bathroom. “She’s a child. What could she possibly have to offer you?”

Her mother’s words once again sparked her temper, getting the best of her. 

“You don’t know her!” She spat, “You know what—“ She spun around full of anger and says; “I’m done listening to you.”

Abby immediately shot to her feet to follow her closely behind.

“Clarke, your father was out of college and already working. And I—I was about to start my residency when we finally got together—“

“Listen...to wwwwhat...you’re saying mother!” She ran a frustrated hand over her hair, loosing all her patience with this conversation. “Why do you have to automatically disqualify Lexa without giving yourself the opportunity to know her first?”

“I was twenty-seven when I had you Clarke!” Abby went on as if she hadn’t heard her.

“Ahhhhhhh!” She howled, and tilted her head to the heavens. 

Her paranoid gaze quickly darted around to see if Lexa had not made her way back yet. 

The brunette could walk in any minute now, and she couldn’t risk her walk into this stupid argument. 

Again. 

She was not going to let that happen. 

Her mother stood silent, giving her a chance confess. 

But she has nothing to confess, except that she loves this girl. 

So, she does.

“Look,” she exhales, controlling her emotions. “You don’t have to like her mom. All you need to know is that I am madly in love with her...” She declares with a smile, still in her dream. 

Her eyes were earnest as she attempted to explain so her mother could understand. 

“And I haven't felt this happy in a very-very long time. So, please....” She clasped her hands together like a little girl. “Please, I am begging you....”

“She makes you happy?” Abby cut her plea short, stepping closer. 

The question surprises her even more.

“You have no idea.” She chuckles shaking her head. “I’ve worked through every single day for the past six years piling up wealth, avoiding love to accomplish everything I had set out to do mom; all, because I wanted to prove everyone else that I was capable on my own. That I was worthy and that girl” she cocked her head towards where the brunette was in the bathroom, and says; “Lexa changed all of that.....I’m happy.”

Surprisingly, there were no tears stinging at her eyes as she’d said this. The words came out without any malice or bitterness behind them, that usual dull feeling of resentment inside her heart against her mother as it always had before was no longer there.

She is happy. 

Happy in love with Lexa Woods.

Her mother met her eyes using all the fortitude she could muster as she walked closer to her and reached out to touch her cheek in such heartfelt moment. Those special moments have become so frequent lately. She loves it.

“I just wanna see you smile sweetheart.” Her mother tells her, earnestly.

Her heart soared upon hearing those words.

“I know mom. And she does.....Lexa gave that back to me.” She sighed contently.

Both smiled at each other with genuine respect.

“All right,” her mother conceded. “I’ll get to know her and—“

“You mean you want to interrogate her.” She said smiling and her mother rolls her eyes.

“That too.” The older woman sighed and nodded making her chuckle.

“Be nice.” She pointed a finger. 

“Oh, I can’t promise you that.” Her mother said with a serious and straight face.

She laughed and shook her head in amusement.

“You know mom,” She starts, her voice uneven from trying not to laugh as she pulls her mother into a tight hug, “You don’ have to worry about being a grandma just yet. I mean...If that’s what you’re so afraid of?”

Abby pulls away and looks at her with a shocking confused look.

“You’re a doctor!” She chuckles, teasing. “You see, fake di—“

“Jesus Clarke!” Her mother shook realizing where she was going, staggered by the statement. 

She giggles and her mother is pushing her out of the way. 

“Do you have to be so crude?” Abby asked with a chuckle. “I taught you better than that.” Her mother puffed.

She turns her head back to her mom, giving her a subtle, accommodating grin as she picks up the bottle of Rosé.

“What?” She asked with a teasing smirk, “Would you rather me call it a wiener?......Big Jim and the twins.” 

She reached out to her mother smiling and gently placed her hand on her arm. Her mother grinned, cheeks already dimpling.

“Mr. Sniffles?” She wiggles her eyebrows.

“Clarke!” The woman hissed, giving her one of her rare smiles. 

“Just-in Beaver?” She teased further with a huge shit-eating grin, followed by a fit of giggles when her mother shouts.

“A penis, Clarke!” Her mother playfully nudged her arm, “A penis!” 

Then, something remarkable happened, Dr. Abigail Griffin laughed, like never before.

 _My God,_ it had been long, too long since she’s heard her mother laugh this way.

Years. 

She released a breath. 

This is good. 

Feels good. 

Maybe; just, maybe this whole thing will go smoothly and work out for the better.

She hopes her mother understands and doesn’t interrogate the brunette, the way she knew she so desperately wanted too.......she can only hope.....

“Uhhh,” 

They hear someone clearing his throat, Kane is looking horrified and frozen as he holds a dry-cleaned bag up in the air by the hanger. 

“I really don’t want to know what you two are talking about....”

“Neither do I.” 

Comes the sweetest voice.

All turned to look at the new figure standing in the middle of her living room. 

Lexa. 

Unable to contain themselves, both, her mother and herself couldn't keep from snickering– quietly. 

“Here,” Her mother says seconds later and turns to take the dress from Kane’s hands. “Tailored to fit you perfectly! I trust Vera.”

Who doesn’t? 

Kane’s mother is the nicest and loveliest person alive. 

“Thanks mom.” She says and takes the dress from her mother’s hands, then walks over to greet Kane in the usual loose embrace. “Hello Kane.” 

Kane’s smile stretches from ear to ear as she hugs him. 

“Really good to see you Clarke.” He greeted.

She then crossed the room to hang the bag on the doorframe, but just before, she stops briefly besides the brunette and whispers; 

“If you don’t want to stay....you don’t have to.” She reassured.

“It’s okay.” Whispers back the brunette. 

“I’m right here.” She comforted with a broad smile letting Lexa know that she wasn’t alone. 

Lexa smiled a knowing, though somewhat uneasy smile. 

“Marcus!” Her mother beams, “This is Ale— Lexa!”

“Oh!” Kane rushed out to greet the brunette with an already stretched arm. “Hello Alexa. I’m Marcus Kane.”

“Alexandria Woods.” Lexa introduces herself giving Kane a small and shy smile. “Lexa is fine.” 

“Great! Now c’mon, let’s eat. Food’s probably cold now.” Her mother announces guiding everyone to the small table of four in her dining room. 

//

∞ ∞ ∞ 

//

 


	40. Chapter 40

∞ ∞ ∞ 

//

 

//

The brunette took the seat to her left. Her mother takes a seat across from the brunette and there's an entire mixed bag of facial expressions at that table. 

For a tense moment, she waited to see what would happen. 

Her own heart is racing. 

To her right her mother looks at her for a tense moment, mouth tight, but not saying another word. 

To her left she can feel Lexa’s dread as she glanced at her gorgeous face.

Across from her, Kane, oblivious of all the tension surrounding him, smiles broadly at all three as the silence prolongs.

“So, Uh. Are you ready for Friday Clarke?” Kane spoke breaking the sudden uncomfortable silence several minutes later, reminding her of the long-waited award ceremony in a couple of days.

 _Good Kane. Start small. Small talk is good._ She thought.

“Honestly,” She glanced at the brunette, “So many great things are going on in my life that I had almost forgotten.” She responded, earning a look from her mother.

“Well, I haven’t,” Her mother says proudly, “I’m very proud of you honey.”

She smiled appreciatively and says; “Thanks, mom.”

“You deserved it....” Her mother added, gazing at her in pure adoration.

“You’re obviously biased.” She chuckled. “You’re my mother.”

“Of course I am,” her mother gives her a smile before embarrassing her in front of the brunette; “You will always be my little Princess.”

“Mom.” She groaned, turning to look at the brunette who now had a small smile on her pretty face.

“Hey, you should be very proud of yourself.” Her mother reassured her.

“Your mother is right Clarke.” Kane agrees.

“O-Kay.” She dismisses them both with a wave of her hand, downplaying this new accomplishment.

“Clarke you have come a long way and worked so hard for this.... so, I say...yes! You most definitely deserve it honey. Wouldn’t you say so Lexa?” Her mother asked curiously.

“Of course.” Replied the girl immediately. “That and more.” 

_God,_ she loves her.

Green, smiling eyes caught hers and her heart did a flip as the two looked shyly at each other for a moment. 

It felt great to have her mother and Lexa in the same room, no, same table. 

This was new, in fact it was one of the biggest steps she had actually taken in any of her past relationships —not that she had many. But she still cannot believe she just did. 

“Thank you,” She says with a timid smile; not used to being praised. 

There’s a beat of silence before she speaks again.

“Next Friday is the annual distribution of funds for the after school program I talked to you about.” She further explained to Lexa, making sure the girl wasn’t left out of what they were talking about.

“Oh. Right. Right.” The brunette answered and shifted in her chair, suddenly appearing very uneasy. 

She couldn’t blame her. But this seemed like it was about something different. It was a noticeable change from her initial demeanor.

For a moment, her gaze lingered on the brunette and Lexa avoided eye contact at all costs, shifting in her seat several times under her gaze. 

“You okay?” She asked with concern, keeping her voice as low as possible.

She boldly looked at green eyes and reached out to caress the back of Lexa’s hand soothingly, to calm her down, as she’s done many times in the past. She was happy to discover the brunette didn't resist.

“I am.” Lexa responded still looking quite tense and thoughtful. 

Silently, she fiddled with the girl’s fingers until the brunette’s whole hand and tense posture relaxed, opening space for her fingers to stroke from her wrist to her fingertips. 

She had longed to feel this connected to the brunette again. This little moment was more than perfect. 

“Lexa, you don’t happened to be related to Polaris-Corp-Woods, do you?” Her mother queried, breaking her out of her bliss.

 _Shit._ That’s right. She’d forgotten they weren’t alone. 

She retracted her hand immediately.

“Yes, ma’am.” Lexa answered shortly and resumed eating quietly.

“I thought the name sounded very familiar.” Commented Kane, bobbing his head. “Augustus Woods. Great guy!” 

The brunette hesitated a little, then nodded. “He is my father.” Said Lexa.

Her mother’s head turned to look at the brunette, with strongly-marked surprise. 

“ _Are you_ Amelia’s daughter?” 

“Mom.” She interjects.

It’s a warning, they both know it. 

She shot her mother a look, knowing that this was such a sensitive subject for Lexa. 

A shudder passes through her as her mind suddenly reverted to that night at the park; at how the sobs shook the brunette’s body as the girl retold the story of the car accident that tragically killed her mother.

“Yes.” Lexa respectfully replied, her voice much more quieter.

A long silence ensued, broken at last by the voice of Abigail Griffin yet again.

“She was a beautiful and lovely woman —your mother.” Added her mother and resumed to finish eating her vegetables. 

She was grateful for it, releasing a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. 

When she turned to look at the brunette; she sees at how Lexa now had a faraway look, as if remembering something she would rather forget.

 _Lexa Woods_ , she thought to herself —so beautiful, and so full of thought yet revealing nothing.

 _Her_ pretty girl.

She casted a smile to the brunette before adding; 

“I’m sure she was.” 

Lexa blushed slightly, nevertheless accepted the compliment with a nod and a shy-faint smile as she picked her fork back up and took another bite of her food.

She thought it was fucking adorable. 

Another lengthy but comfortable silence followed as they continue to eat, each lost in their personal thoughts. 

Lexa and her, both with the occasional glance at one another.

Until.......

“How’s your father doing?” The prestige surgeon broke the silence once again. “I really hope he's doing well.”

She looked up at her mother’s face in surprise; it was so uncommon for her mother to ask about her father, after their nasty divorce her parents hardly engaged in any type of communication. 

After she’d left Easton, her parents argued, separated, came back together, and finally, after realizing the truth that she was never coming back to home, their marriage fell into many pieces that no one could put it back together again. 

Not even her, even if she tried.

But to her surprise, her mother was not asking her as she sees the older woman waiting expectantly at the brunette’s answer. 

Her mother was referring to Lexa’s father. _Why?_ she desperately wanted ask but refrained from doing so. 

“He is doing perfectly well. Thank you.” Lexa answered curtly.

“Good," Her mother said honestly. “I wish him the absolute best on his recovery.”

_Recovery?_

She saw her mother’s eyes softened, and somehow that frightened her even more. 

“So.....are you in school Lexa?” Asked Abby several moments later, serving her true purpose.

_Oh, her mother is good._

“Yes.” Lexa answered. 

“Where do you go?” Her mother countered.

“Polis.” Replied the brunette.

_Damn it!_

“Polis?” The older woman tilted her head in confusion as her eyes meet Lexa’s; “High School?” Her mother demanded rudely, staring at the brunette for a moment, waiting for a reply. 

Silence.

“University or High School Lexa?” The repeated question was spoken a lot slower and carefully enunciated this time by the doctor.

Abashed by her mother’s insistence, she asked in a slightly irritated tone; “And why is it so important mother?” 

“I’m just trying to get to know your girlfriend Clarke.” Her mother’s face shone with triumph and self-satisfaction as she says; “All mothers are allowed to ask these questions.” 

_Damn it. Damn it._

She scolds herself for giving away too much and telling her mother she loves the girl but failed to tell her they’re not even together; _yet_.

“Mom, Lexa is not—“ She halted, reconsidering her words. Then glanced back at Lexa giving the girl a small smile before; saying: “As much as I would love Lexa to be my girlfriend mom, we’re not together—YET.”

“Really?” Abby pursed her lips and looks at the brunette demanding more answers. “Well why not?”

Within seconds three pairs of eyes, Kane’s, her mother’s and hers were fixed upon Lexa; curiosity getting the best of them, of her!

Lexa gulped down the rest of her tea and sat the cup down deliberately when her mother spoke again.

“It was not exactly how it looked when I walked in Miss Woods—”

“Mom, please.” She shook, cutting her mother off, preventing her from going further as she caught sight of the girl's pale face, seeing the vague look of panic on green eyes.

God, she truly loves this adorable dork for staying and put up with her mother. 

But mostly felt so bad for Lexa and more embarrassed by her mother's behavior. 

How the hell did this turned into a ‘meet the parents’ dinner. It’s all her fault and if Lexa walks away she’ll be responsible once again.

“Abby. I think they’re both adults, and it does not concern us.” Kane tried to talk some sense into her mother but all he got in return was a death glare. 

“Fine.” Abby relented, after a while huffing displeased. “So, what is it that you do then Miss Woods?” Her mom bombarded Lexa with even more questions regardless of her pleading eyes. “Are you following your father’s footsteps?”

Her jaw clenched in an effort not to speak. And why was she going back to calling Lexa, _Miss Woods?_

Shaking her head she set the plate aside, her appetite gone for good. 

“Not necessarily. No.” Said the brunette, ignoring the first question.

Lexa’s reply was short, to the point and did not elaborate. 

“But you’re still in college?” Kane asked.

Her dagger eyes now turned to Marcus Kane. 

Not helping, Kane. Not you too.

“I am.” Lexa said simply, chewing on her vegetables.

“Well, that’s Good.” Said Kane, turning to her mother and asked with his eyes, ‘are you satisfied now?’

“Alexandria.....” The surgeon starts.

This time she heaved a sigh as her mother pressed on with a small smile not missing the opportunity to find out more. 

“If you don’t mind me asking.....What are you majoring on? What do you do for a living?” 

“Mom.” She tried to interject, but Lexa reached out under the table and gripped her knee in support. 

“Currently, I am studying general courses at Polis University,” Said the brunette, her voice bespoke self-confidence and maturity. “I want to explore different professional development opportunities first.”

“That’s great.” Kane added. “It’s always good to be open-minded. You don’t want to be stuck in a profession that later on you’ll be miserable at.”

She couldn't agree with him more, she had to voice her opinion out loud for everyone to hear. 

“I agree with Kane.” She says, smiling. “You don’t want to look back on your life at the age of 50 and have any regrets or questions as where the time has gone.” 

No doubt the expression on her mother’s face gave away all of her thoughts and feelings about what she’d just said. 

She thought of how this was not the best conversation to be having right now. As it hits too close to home. But she hadn’t meant it for her mother and herself. 

She was just glad to hear that Lexa was doing exactly what she wanted and was not been forced by her father into his career choice as he had wanted her to, only for the future of his company. 

“ _You_ also don't want to make costly mistakes that _you_ will regret later on.” Her mother uttered defiantly, clenching her jaw uncomfortably. “Perhaps you will never understand...”

“Mom.” She gritted her teeth. “Please don’t.” 

Then turned to look at the brunette. Not only Lexa but Kane also were looking increasingly miserable now. 

She bristled as her mother went on regardless. 

“I know I haven’t been the most supportive of your career choice Clarke,” Her mother relayed looking at her expression, “but that’s only because you had such great potential on becoming a successful doctor. I only wanted what was best for you.” 

She apprehended the anger in her face and poured more wine into her glass. 

“Right,” she said, giving her mother a sarcastic smile, begging the heavens for patience.

She then met the brunette’s green eyes with yet another sweet, apologetic smile.

An awkward silence fell between them, the uncomfortable type. 

The tension palpable. 

“I am also working for Polaris Corp—“

Lexa spoke deliberately changing the subject but was immediately cut off mid-sentence by non other than her mother.

“Isn’t Gustus sole owner?”

“Mom!” She called fiercely, head jerking in her mother’s direction, her eyes narrowed at her mother’s insolence and tried very hard to control herself. “What are you doing?”

“Clarke, please!” The brunette snapped in an unusually firm tone, also demanding and sharp. 

She turned to look at the girl, thrown by Lexa’s irritated look in her direction when she met her eyes. 

Stunned to silence. 

She had no intention for this type of conversation to happen, but of course nothing tonight had gone as planned. 

She knows Lexa is more than capable of speaking for herself but she also knows how far her mother could take things. 

_Had_ already taken this. 

_Damn it!_

“He is. The company is aggressively spending on acquisitions, in its quest to expand. And I am more than aware that one day, all of that will be mine.” The brunette explained turning to address her mother, “But, you see Dr. Griffin, I, personally, believe that things in life should be earned. More than being handed to you..well in my case, will be inherited. While working hard on what I believe in, I get to have a better understanding of its true value. It’s how I’ve come to learn to appreciate the things I have.”

“I, one-hundred percent agree with that one.” Kane added, “When things are given to you, it does takes one longer to understand the value of a dollar rather than when you are personally paying for it.”

“Exactly.” Lexa nodded her approval. “It really messes with your perception of money in the long run. And that’s because it’s always easy to take the easy road.”

She fought hard to avert her eyes from Lexa’s face. The brunette looked so elegant, more mature and prominent, worldly and sophisticated, not that this was not her Lexa before but tonight was different. 

In her eyes Lexa was absolutely perfect and she was so desperately in love with this girl that all she wanted to do was pull her in and kiss her, kiss the brunette until they’re both out of breath.

“That is a great attitude you’ve created yourself with Lexa.” Stated her mother with a pleased smile. “I’m very glad your father instilled those values in you.” 

“Thank you Dr. Griffin.” Said the brunette a bit timidly then paused for a moment and turned to meet her eyes. 

She, who had sat silently as a shadow throughout the entire discussion. 

Lexa casted one final, lingering look at her, before her emerald eyes revealed a little change in them and spoke again; 

“Come August, if not earlier.......I’ll be moving to Boston and will be majoring in business at Harvard. That’s the plan. But for now I’m working for my father.”

 _August......Boston......Harvard._ She repeated the words in her head, feeling a huge tightness in her chest as her stomach turns inward at the realization Lexa would soon be gone. 

She already knew she was leaving. But knowing exactly when made it more real. Too soon.

She could almost create the picture before her eyes of another goodbye, yet again. 

She hated it. 

Caught off guard, her features must have betrayed her emotions for her mother’s eyes softened when she turned to look at her. 

She searched for words but couldn't manage to find anything else to say. 

All four settled back into a silence once more and she takes the opportunity to let the numerous things she’s just learnt sink in.

Four months. 

She’s already done the quick math in her head, she has approximately one hundred and twenty three days to spend with Lexa. 

The very thought was painful to absorb. But her mother was right, she has a career and she is already settled in life. Unlike Lexa, her journey is just about to begin and she cannot sabotage her future. 

It is why she must always have that clear and realistic understanding of their relationship. 

She must accept it. 

She will support whatever decision Lexa makes as long as it’s what the girl wants.

Until then..... _One day at a time._ She reminded herself.

1  
2  
3

Unless........

“Harvard is great, but nothing beats NYU, isn’t that right Clarke?” Kane calls out and her head shoots up, breaking her out of her thoughts.

A swift change of subject, which reminds her Steinhardt had been one of many things she failed to share with Lexa during their _teacher-student escapades_. 

It is crazy to think now at how overly guarded and secretive she had been with the brunette. Back then, she was so reluctant to make all kinds of personal self-disclosures that could deepen their relationship.

 _Not anymore._

Now, oh, how she desires nothing more than for Lexa to get to know her— _to need, to want_ to know her.

Suddenly she felt bold, empowered, and reached once again for the brunette’s hand. Her playful fingertips started to caress the soft skin. 

The touch as always turned electric, making her heart flutter inside her chest.

“That’s right.” She composed herself, rubbing light circles over the brunette’s hand, steadying. As if she needed it to gain some sort of strength. “You know Kane, when I first met Lexa she wanted to attend NYU School of Law and become a fine attorney like yourself.” She smiled, proudly.

“Is that true? You also like the guilty?” Kane asked delighted, himself being NYU alumni and owner of one of the largest and most successful man-owned law firms in the city of Arkadia. 

“Not anymore.” Said Lexa, coldly pulling her hand out of her reach, her features managing to stay unemotional when added; “Plans changed. People change.”

Lexa’s words condemning her to silence once more, this time leaving a sick feeling in her stomach as she understands the implications of her words. 

The silence after was thick, palpable. Many words can go unsaid between them, but in this moment even her mother and Kane can tell what she’s thinking. What she’s feeling. 

This was not trying. Was Lexa’s goal to push her further away. Is that what the girl wanted? This dinner was such a mistake. They were not ready.

A full moment passed before her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the clearing of the brunette’s throat, gaining everyone’s attention.

“You’ll have to forgive me,” Lexa says apologetically as she steps away from the table, “but I should really get going. It’s a long drive back to Polis and I have an early morning tomorrow.”

_Polis. She lives in Polis._

“Lexa is right.” Kane stood up checking his shiny Rolex. Then turned to address her mother. “We should also get going, Honey.” 

Her mother slowly nodded her silent approval. 

“I’ll walk you outside.” She said as she came to stand beside the brunette, instinctively resting her hand against the girl’s lower back.

Shaking her head, Lexa turned to her keeping some distance, “That’s really not necessary Clarke...Please stay.” Said the brunette in a carefully modulated tone. “I know the way.”

“It was very nice to meet you Lexa.” Her mother said honestly. 

Before Lexa could resist, her mother had pulled the brunette in for a warm hug, noticing how the doctor took her time whispering something in the brunette’s ear that she could not hear. 

“Umm.....you too Dr. Griffin.” The brunette said in the awkward embrace. 

Lexa pat somewhat awkwardly at her mother's back until her arms loosened.

“Oh, please...” Her mother smiles. “Call me Abby.”

Confusion creased her brows. She didn’t understand the sudden change on her mother’s behavior.

With a light nod, the brunette met her eyes steadily for a moment before she turned to leave. 

She watched Lexa go without saying another word. More confused than ever, she decided she would follow, making sure to close the door behind her once she stepped outside. Leaving her mother and Kane inside. 

 

//

//

 

“Wait!” She calls after Lexa. “Please!” She said desperately, reaching out a hand in an attempt to stall the girl. “Lexa please!”

The brunette stops and turned.

“We’re not together Clarke.” Lexa remarks. An expression of anger crosses the girl’s face. “What difference did it all make?” Lexa asked angrily.

“What are you talking about?” She inquired relentlessly, even more confused. 

Not that she didn’t understand the fact that they were not together —in fact, she was the one who had made it clear to her mother at the table. 

Was that the reason why....

“You’re arguing with your mother quite unnecessarily Clarke.” The brunette’s tone was hard and cold.

“What?” She shook her head.

“Also,” Lexa says abruptly, looking at her in cold defiance, “What I don’t understand is why you asked me to stay if you thought I could not handle myself?” 

“I didn’t—”

“I’m not that same girl you met in High School.” Lexa said severely. “And I most certainly do not need you or anyone to speak for me.” 

“I wasn’t. I swear.” She tried desperately to reassure the girl. “I was—I didn’t want my mother to—”

“You didn’t want your mother to what? Find out I’m eighteen?” The brunette retorted scornfully.

“No!” she added, desperation evident in the sound of her voice. “Wait, please— please—”

“Tell me how is this supposed to work when you’re ashamed—”

“She knows, Lex.” The words came out rushed. “She knows.”

“W-what?” Lexa asked with a puzzled look.

“She already knows you’re eighteen.” 

Lexa didn't speak for once as if she was thinking back over what she had just said.

“I told her.” She simply explained, while the brunette stood there, dumbfounded. “I told you,” she added hastily taking a tentative step in Lexa’s direction, unsure of the brunette’s reaction. “I want us to have a chance Lex. And I don’t care what anyone thinks anymore, it’s not their life, so it’s none of their business.”

“That is true, but...” The brunette looks hesitant. “It was quite obvious you were uncomfortable with my presence here.” Lexa gestures towards her home. “You didn’t even know how to treat me in front of your mother...”

“That’s because, I know my mother Lexa.” She took one giant step to close the distance between them. ”I know what she’s capable of.” 

“I don’t need you to protect me.” The brunette retorted.

“ I just—I didn’t want her to push you further away.” She said cutely giving her best puppy eyes. “I’m sorry.” 

She sent the girl a sincere and apologetic smile, and notices the tightened muscles in the brunette’s jaw loosening slightly. 

Lexa wasn't smiling, but for once she didn't look angry as a minute ago. 

“Please?” She begged with her palms together as though she was praying. “I’m Sorry.”

At that she earned a smile from the brunette, a small one, too knowingly. 

“You want to know what I think?” She asked, her brow arched, subtly wicked.

“What?” Lexa asked her, still trying to fight off the smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “Enlighten me Clarke please.” 

“I think that we deserve more time together.” She said innocently.

Lexa manages to emit a half-hearted smile and she beams at the sight of it, wrapping her arms around the brunette’s waist and met her gaze meaningfully. 

She loves the way those greens looked like when Lexa smiled like that. The girl could light up her whole world with just those gorgeous green eyes, she thought. 

“You think?” Lexa asked raising her eyebrow.

She chuckled. “I do.” She says, softly kissing the girl’s chin. “Just _us_ time...”

“ _US_ time?” Lexa asked with a slow smile that did dangerous things to her insides.

“I miss you, more than you can know.” She said sincerely. 

Both gazed into each other’s eyes. Somewhere in the depths of those beautiful emerald eyes she could still feel the distance between them, a high wall that she couldn't get past. 

Their conversations had become so strained whenever they spoke now. It’s as if they’re both missing the opportunity to reconnect and all could easily just fall apart. 

They were in the beginning stages of their relationship, when it was important to open up and explore those new feelings and spend as much time together. But instead they’re both doing the exact opposite.

“This....” Her hands tightened around the brunette’s waist, pulling her closer, “This is more than just physical for me Lex.” She began to explain. “From the moment I first saw you, I felt this crazy attraction that I’ve never known before...”

“Clarke, _**I am leaving**_ —” The brunette reminds her, yet again.

“I know that.” She removes her hands from the brunette’s waist, loosing a bit of her patience. “I think you’ve made that pretty damn clear from day one.”

Because why? Why can’t they just be. They’re both here. They’re only wasting time.

“Why does it feel like I am the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?” She asked, refusing to accept beneath her fear. 

“Because you are doing exactly what I did before.” Lexa reasoned, calmly. 

Too unbothered by all of it. Really. 

_Did she not cared?_

“You’re holding on....prolonging the situation and we will only end up hurting one another.” The brunette explained, more carefully. “Seems like this time I’m the one who has a more clear understanding of that.”

“So, the roles have changed.” She sighed. “Well in case you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. Umm.... resilient, creative, funny, persistent, worth it and best of all,” She pauses and smirks, “Sexy.”

_Never forget sexy._

“I’m serious Clarke.” Lexa reminded her in a low and very sexy voice.

“I know you are.” She said stubbornly and tilted her head to the side, a teasing look on her eyes as she added; “Are you really done with me Woods?” 

The brunette’s expression fell.

“In fact…don’t answer that.” She smirks, changing her mind.

_Not yet._

She leaned forward, and pressed a lingering kiss on Lexa’s plump lips.

Big emerald eyes full of warmth and humor looked at her. She knows her blues were killing Commander Lexa in this precise moment. No one could ever resist or say no to her baby blues. 

“Give me one day.” She asked looking at the brunette intently. “One day with the girl I fell head over heels with. One day with Lexa Woods.”

“This is not a negotiation Clarke.” Lexa quickly replied.

“Look, _if_ by the end of _that day_ you still want nothing and I mean _nothing_ to do with me,” She said innocently. “Although, I know I can’t promise you that I won’t love you still, _I will_ do my very best to stop trying.” She explained with a smile of triumphant amusement. “Unless, of course, you don’t want me to.” 

The brunette sighed heavily until released a chuckle. 

“A day?” Lexa asked with curiosity. 

Most likely wondering where all of this was going.

“Yes.” She said excitedly. “Look, I’ll be in Polis this Friday—”

“I know.” Informs her the brunette.

She tilts her head. _She knows?.....How could Lexa possibly know..._

Confused. She asked. “You do?” Her eyes now twinkling with pure curiosity.

The cold look that green eyes greeted her with chilled her to the core. She was not prepared for it.

Lexa didn't move for a beat and only swallowed, hard. Green eyes no longer bright and shining as a minute ago but cold, impassive as she stared at her in stony silence.

“Your name was listed under the ‘Acceptance Speeches’ for the company’s sponsorships.” The brunette further explained.

The statement is simple, but laced with so much more, something that makes her completely stiffen and heart race. 

Her sponsored Art program....the company......The award ceremony. 

“Trikru Foundation?” She whispers under her breath.

The sudden realization caused her heart to sank deeply, the sudden pain in her temples which distracts her from the real pain. 

For a moment she slightly steps away from Lexa in apparent shock that she is momentarily dizzy at the revelation. She thinks it’s the only reason why the tears haven’t come yet. 

Or maybe she’s just ran out of them. She fought the urge to get the hell away from there. 

But she couldn’t run. 

Not anymore.

Before the brunette spoke again, she saw Lexa straightened her spine, her face remains emotionless, calculative; her defensiveness preparing each word.

“Trikru is one of twelve companies recently acquired by Polaris Corporations.” 

She looks away and huffed out a loud sigh at the brunette’s only explanation. She knows that Lexa is putting up a front to protect herself by pretending not to care. She can still see the agitation behind her seemingly emotionless face, that stoic façade. 

She says nothing else, lowering her eyes and stares into nothing in apparent disbelief. Her heart ached as the despair of the last hour washes over her. She places a hand on Lexa’s black audi to steady herself as she thought of how nothing could ever change the past. 

 

*

 

It’s obvious Clarke realizes now what she’s done and there’s no use in denying it. No way left to avoid the conversation they should have had days ago. 

Shock washes over Clarke’s features as she is scraping every shred of control to keep her own emotions from betraying her. Especially when she sees the blonde take a few steps further away from her.

It hurts in ways she struggles to vocalize. 

But.....It is done. 

The two of them wearily eyed each other for a moment. 

She waited, expecting Clarke’s reproach, shouts, a slap to the face, something......but nothing came. 

Instead, Clarke’s face became so deeply meditative that she stood in silence before her, not daring to disturb the blonde’s thoughts. 

Clarke studies her a long moment, as though she were stripping her bare and examining every detail of her face and form.

Until.....

“What made you think I couldn’t do this for myself?” Clarke asked wearily. 

Her green gaze met Clarke’s blue one intently. 

”Did you have anything to do with board’s decision for the school?”

”I didn’t.” She said without hesitation. “That was all you. I just funded....”

She fell silent, shame-stricken before the blonde; unable to further explain. 

“Why?” Clarke asked quietly. Brokenly.

She searched for sophisticated words in her head to soothe the blonde but couldn't manage to find any to say. 

But as she meets weepy blue eyes once again, her heart ached and found herself saying: 

“I got caught up in the fairytale. Three Steps Above Heaven.”

It is a stupid excuse. She knows that what she’s done it is inexcusable. Was it all a lie? _No._ She loves Clarke more than life itself. But she had been living in a dream. Her dream.

When Clarke met her eyes again, the blonde smiled in a way that left no room for awkward feelings on her part. 

The blonde was looking at her as though what she’d said was more than enough of an excuse, as if she understood everything that burned in her heart.

Clarke stayed put longer, giving herself a little alone time to collect herself before speaking again. 

“You were dealing with a lot.” The blonde said quietly.

_I was. But..._

“Doesn’t excuse it.” She says firmly. 

Her stomach felt like a whirlpool and her thoughts went wild and turbulent. 

The blonde placed her hand on her arm. “It doesn’t. But I understand it.” 

When in love......the greater good is always priority. She knows this. But she also knows they can’t go back and repeat the same old mistakes.

“Is there anything else Lexa?” The blonde asked looking at her intently.

She shook her head almost instantly. And the blonde slowly stepped forward facing her again. 

“Don’t do this.” She warns Clarke. She is still leaving.

She watched the blonde consider her words a moment. Then quietly closed the gap between them until the closeness of her seemed to steal away all the air from her lungs. 

Taking a deep breath Clarke cupped her cheek and coaxed; “One day at a time.” Her small thumb stroked softly against her cheek.

The very touch sent shivers over her skin. Of course. She wasn’t made of stone. Clarke’s scent and feather-light caresses teased her senses. 

She couldn't resist the appeal in those ocean blue eyes or the strength that Clarke was offering.

She slanted her lips over the blonde’s, catching Clarke’s startled sigh. Without another thought she slid her arms around the blonde’s waist and held her, pressing close against her. 

Eyes fluttering shut, she began to kiss the woman slowly and sensuously, deeper and stronger as the minutes went by. 

The desire both felt for each other was instantaneous and, oh, so damn incredibly powerful. 

Both lost on each other.

Without realizing it, there is a clearing of a throat near them, immediately making her withdraw at the same moment Clarke pulls away.

“We can’t wait inside forever, Clarke.” 

At the sound of the voice, immediate recognition prefaced the heat that rushed to her face from total embarrassment.

Clarke’s mother. 

“We waited for as long as we could.” Mrs. Griffin barked, glaring at her. 

The look in the surgeon’s eyes astonished her, it was that of a woman who could kill with her bare hands. 

Lethal.

“Sorry Mom.” The blonde started to say.

“You’re fine sweetie.” The doctor waved aside Clarke’s words with a big loving smile. 

The switch from hate to love, meaning from her to Clarke, was quick and smooth, better than she’d ever been able to accomplish in her life. 

“Goodnight sweetheart.” The older woman leaned in to lay a soft kiss at Clarke’s temple. 

But before walking away the doctor gave her another sidelong glare while Clarke remained hand in hand with her.

“Not my girlfriend.” Mrs. Griffin scoffed upon entering her car.

“She hates me.” She muttered under her breath, frozen.

The blonde smiled at her, and reaches to graze her chin. 

“She loves you.” Clarke assured softly. “If she didn’t. You’d probably be dead by now.”

Looking down at Clarke’s grinning face, she is hit by a rush of love, stronger than before. The kind that steals her breath away. 

“I mean, seriously Lex. Can you imagine finding the _‘not my girlfriend’_ topping your daughter naked in the couch?” The blonde chuckles, teasingly over exaggerating her words. “That. _IS_. Crazy! I would’ve ran the hell out of there.”

She squint her eyes with parted lips, not believing what she is hearing. Oh, that devilish grin that reached blue eyes, making them twinkle.

She adores those blues.

“Good job babe!” Clarke beams, wrapping her arms around her neck and tip-toeing to peck her lips.

Amusement won out and she laughed. My God. This woman makes her feel so many different things all at once. She could write a whole book on love. She thinks.

But then again, that is nothing new. 

“I hate you.” She pouted, pretending to be hurt.

At that Clarke throws her head back and laughs, mouth open wide, eyes full of happiness. 

“ _THAT_ is THE BIGGEST load of BULLSHIT I've ever heard.” The blonde beams at her, and drags her down for another quick peck then trailed her lips to her ear and whispers; “You love me Woods. And you are right. You _are_ the world’s worst liar.” 

She doesn't reply, just smiles softly. 

Kissing the woman was the only way she could show Clarke how much of a bad liar she was. Because Goddamn, she is right. She fucking loves her.

She leaned forward capturing Clarke’s lush lips in another swirling, wet kiss which the blonde reciprocated.

When she felt Clarke’s lips curve up in a smug grin, she cursed her head and heart for responding to the woman so easily, for Clarke being so in tune with her own being, in general.

Both their breaths are a bit shaky when they part. She closed her eyes and leaned in again to let her forehead rest against Clarke’s.

“Stay.” The blonde breathed, her lips touching hers in a brief, warm caress.

She opened her eyes and swallowed thickly under Clarke’s penetrating gaze, knowing the blonde was probing her very soul for an answer. 

She wanted nothing more than to stay. But she had too many responsibilities to attend in a few hours. Which at the moment, were her main priority.

“I wish I could. But I really do have to go.” She says, nuzzling her nose with Clarke’s.

The blonde nods with a smile parting from her, swiftly reached behind her to open her car’s door. And she steps to the side for the door to fully open.

A pair of blue eyes locked on hers, understanding passing between them.

“Then this is goodnight.” Said the blonde in barely more than a whisper. 

She studied Clarke for a moment, looking at the passion still shining in her pretty blues, seeing her lips still soft and wet from her kisses. Those sweet lips teasing her enough to want more. 

However this time, she resisted the temptation. She took a deep breath and mustered up all the courage she had left.

“Goodnight.” She said softly.

“Call me.” Whispered the blonde, closing the door once she got inside the car. 

“I will.” She promised.

With so much love radiating from every inch of her and Clarke, she backed out of the driveway. 

Being in love is the dream. 

But the reality of making it work it is definitely not like the movies, where she’d turn around and sweep Clarke off her feet and sleep in each other’s arms like the perfect ending scene. Then cue the credits.

She smiled and glanced back in her rear view mirror and watched as Clarke’s figure got smaller and smaller as she drove further away.

∞ ∞ ∞ 

//

 

//


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Guys! So here is another chapter! 
> 
> Thank you for those that have stuck around. I appreciate all comments +/- related to the story! (Not to me! Lol)! 
> 
> So sorry for the delays, I'm was getting smashed with assignments at work and had been doing a lot of traveling on the road. So I had so little time to write. Again. My apologies.
> 
> Also, I NEVER in a million years thought this story would get so much hate under the student/teacher tag, bc Lexa being underage. Clarke a pedo!!??? I’m a pedo!!?? What!!!??? Crazy!!!! It’s why for a moment there I was like eh......and not writing and also tempted to change a lot to the story. But I’ve deleted those hateful comments obviously and still stand with the fact that this is fanfic, not real. The story continues. I owe it to those that have stuck around and do enjoy reading the story. 
> 
> Good news is that I’ve been writing sooo much these past two weeks, my mind is just blown!! More to come!
> 
> This is a pretty big chapter. 1/2. M-for Mature.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> -LC

∞ ∞ ∞ 

//

 

“Klark.” 

The brunette whimpers, breathless and throaty as she finds herself buried amidst Lexa’s slick flesh, her tongue flicking against her delicious wet opening. 

Lexa’s hands tangled in her messy locks, willing herself to remain sitting up as she continues her seductive assault.

“Mhmmmmmm.” She gives a long hum of satisfaction, stroking delectably.

She can’t get enough. 

The brunette tastes of heaven and perfection.

 

The past few days have been just like this; Magical nights of passion. 

Lexa shows up during the after hours at her doorstep looking sexy as the day she met her, dressed in her expensive designer suit, heels and straightened hair in a high ponytail.

Minutes pass. 

Hours go by.

And time......Time just slips away as they caress each other, learning new tricks, exploring new angles, just finding each other and deepening their addiction.

Both feeling so alive in each other’s hands, arms.

It’s like nothing she’s ever felt before. Never. 

She knows they need to stop. _This has to stop._ Until things are more clearer. Until Lexa is ready.

They should. 

Because it is the right thing to do.

It is the right thing to do when all she wants is that genuine romantic love; the type that involves profound caring for one another. The type of commitment to try and maintain a relationship. 

But it becomes the last thing in their minds when their lips meet, because quite frankly Lexa’s lips taste better.

It’s hard to talk or completely forgotten when she is between Lexa’s legs relishing the pleasure of her tongue and fingers inside the girl.

Her taste; intoxicating as this non-exclusive recurring sexual activities. 

She’s not sure which is worst. Not wanting to stop or the fact that she doesn’t have the power to stop it. If she couldn’t stay away before when it was pure and innocent, much less now that she’s had a taste.

She can’t. 

Not when Lexa keeps coming back for more.

Not when her appetite for the brunette was insatiable. 

 

Lexa arches her back, needing more from her. 

“Fuck baby.” She gasped at the sensation, at her desire against Lexa’s wet core, burying another finger inside.

She could cum just from watching her exotic lover in pleasure between those long legs. 

_Fuck_. 

It’s only natural to want this euphoric feeling forever. 

It’s only natural.

The rhythm of her fingers never cease their movements, a steady circling around her clit, bringing the beautiful girl even closer. 

She'd lost count of the number of orgasms they’ve had tonight, but she is more than ready to make Lexa cum all over her mouth and drink her in. 

“Clarke.” The brunette moans, her voice is low and urgent with so much heat. “Fu—ah! I’m cummin—“

Truth to her word, Lexa’s body jerks and cums. And oh boy, she cums beautifully. 

Like always.

She closed her eyes, and eagerly receives the new gush of wetness in her chin, her mouth drinking every ounce of her. Taking in everything that Lexa can give her. 

She can’t help it. Her taste is of honey.

Ambrosia and Honey. 

_God._ She doesn’t want to help it.

On her knees, she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and Lexa opens her eyes just in time to witness it.

The glint in those gorgeous green eyes reaches those kissable lips in a smirk. That stupid smirk. And it’s like fire to her heart, filling her with so much passion. 

She hovers over the girl, her lips trailing along the brunette’s chest until they find her neck. She drags her teeth then, wanting to bite down softly on her shoulder. 

“Don’t.” The brunette prompts almost too sharply.

She froze in her tracks of pulling the flesh, twisting her head to the side to meet Lexa’s emerald eyes. 

“Sorry.....I—I’m wearing a strapless dress Friday and there won’t be enough time to heal.” 

At the words, her heart suffered a sense of hurt. 

It was strange, but deep down it made sense and it’s probably something she would do or ask........or not. She smiled.

Afraid she will leave a few marks on the sensitive flesh if she’s not careful, she straightened up and stayed away from the brunette’s shoulders or neck. 

She laid her head on the pillows and settled beside Lexa in deep silence.

The brunette sat down on the bed next to her, and turned to look at her from sideways, “I have to go.” 

More silence. 

_Say something Clarke._

“Why don’t you stay?” She asked seconds later, a hopeful ring in her voice.

“You know I can’t.” Lexa said tersely as she got out of bed and stood beside the bed, naked in her glory.

 _Right._ Work. School. Her father. The company. Titus. Meetings. Etc. Etc. Etc. Because the list goes on. 

”Traffic is fucking ridiculous in the morning and I have a very important meeting early tomorrow that my father asked me to attend. I can’t be late.” Came tonight’s excuse.

She averted her eyes, tilting her head to the ceiling and wonders if she’ll ever make it first on the list.

Shutting her eyes she takes a deep breath and let it out slowly before saying; “Okay.” 

As the minutes go by, she laid on her bed, watching the brunette get dressed; just this time she did not bother getting up. 

When ready, Lexa walked towards her, lowering herself onto her to press her mouth to hers in a chaste kiss.

“Good night.” Said the brunette before dropping another light kiss on her head.

She watched the girl walk out of her bedroom.

_Lexa is still not ready._

One beat. 

She listens as the echoes of the brunette’s footsteps die away in the distance. 

Two beats.

 _Christ_ , she don’t want to lose her. 

Three beats.

 _I can’t loose her._ She is not ready to let Lexa go. 

Not yet.

She quickly got out of the bed; still naked from their love making she chased after the girl.

“Lexa!” 

She called and the brunette stops just before she moves her hand towards the handle. 

Lexa stared at her, waiting.

She walked up to the brunette and pressed her body against the wall. 

There she kissed Lexa long and soft. It was perfect.

A soft utterly radiant smile lit up the brunette’s face, brilliant green eyes magnifying her beauty. 

“What was that for?” Whispered the brunette when she pulled herself away from her.

She touched the young girl’s mouth with her fingertips and said, “I love you.”

 

//

 

Two days have gone by and Lexa has disappeared again. 

It's not like she thought the brunette would stick around every day and woo her again, read her poetry again and take her on perfect dates.

They already did all of that, everything, just backwards. 

She tries not to think about it too much. And tries to tell herself that Lexa will come around and one day they’ll get to live their happily ever after. But today was not the day. 

For now she’s missing the girl like crazy wishing that in whatever capacity Lexa might decide to present herself to her. 

Although when Lexa does present herself, sudden appearances at her doorstep for kissing sessions which ends up in casual sex, it does nothing to quell her thirst for love. If anything, it only intensifies her fucking void that she's been carrying for days now. 

Months.

Don’t force it. Let it happen. It’ll come. 

_Patience Clarke. Patience._

 

“Clarke, I’m here!”

“Coming.” She shouts from her studio.

As she comes out of the room, Octavia’s reaction do not go unnoticed by her, the gray-eyed brunette immediately took in her appearance from head to toe.

She stood in the middle of the living room, white T-shirt inside out, paint on her shorts, and most likely in her hair, which was tousled everywhere, barefooted and definitely not ready.

“Clarke, you’re not even ready.” Octavia stated the obvious. 

“There’s still time.” She countered.

“You look like shit.” Her friend sighed.

She smiled softly. 

“And to think I call you my best friend, friend.” She shook her head coming to hug and kiss the model on her cheek.

“Hey. I’m the most amazing friend in the whole world.” Octavia smirked. 

“Mmph. Suddenly, I’m not too sure.”

“Rude. You wound me Princess.” Octavia clasped her hands dramatically to her chest. “But I was being honest.” 

She watched as the brunette circled around the kitchen island, sitting at one of the barstools. 

“And suddenly,” Octavia gasped startling her a bit. “ _I’m_ not so sure you’re my friend!” Her friend held up a green apple in the air from her fruit stand in the kitchen island. “What the fuck is this?” 

She met her friend’s eyes and simply says; “An apple.” 

She hates apples.

“Uhh, I know. But you hate apples. Especially green apples Clarke!” Octavia debates.

“I do.” She admitted, taking a moment to smile as she thought of Lexa’s insatiable appetite after sex; “Lexa loves them.”

“Ah!” Octavia sighed. “Of course. The forbidden fruit.”

She chuckles and takes notice at how Octavia began observing her critically. 

Not wanting to go there. She turned around. 

“I’m gonna go get ready.” She said, carefully avoiding the conversation with her friend about Lexa.

 

//

 

“As your best friend,” Octavia starts.

She hears Raven scoffing at the comment, but Octavia quickly dismisses it with a wave of her hand and just like that Raven is only left with rolling her eyes upward. 

The rest of her friends however; laughed watching her two best friends fight for her affection. 

She loves them both the same. She smiled.

They’re celebrating, and by ‘they’ she means; Bellamy, Gina, Wells, Ilian, Bryan, Miller, Kyle, and her two best friends. O and Rae.

They all gathered today in her honor to celebrate her continued success, just two days before the big night.

Her ‘supposed’ big night.

But if they only knew she doesn’t deserve it. 

_If they only knew._ She thought.

Tonight they’re dining at Arkadia’s Kitchen. The fancy restaurant owned by none other than her big brother from another mother.

The amazing chef and friend, Bellamy Blake.

“I think I can speak on behalf of everyone in the table” Octavia continues, “and say that we are so fucking proud of you AND we only wish you tons of success on this new venture.” 

Octavia raised her glass and the other’s followed. 

“And!” Raven adds, “We’re really happy for you Clarkey.”

“And!” Miller chimed. “We love you!”

“Therefore!” Bellamy grinned, making everyone at the table laugh. “Long live our sweet princess!”

Octavia clears her throat. “To your success!” 

All cheered and clinked their glass taking a sip of the pricey and bubbly champagne. 

She beamed a smile. Has she mentioned she loves her friends? She truly does. She’s missed them. More so, she misses her. 

_Lexa._

If only she were here, her happiness would be complete. She frowned, the thought threatening to pull her happiness down a notch. 

After the uneventful dinner everyone got up to give her a hug and a kiss, a few of them said their goodbyes parting different ways.

One of them was Raven.

When the latina approached her, she notices her friend’s eyes weary and sad from seclusion. 

“She’s still not talking?” She asked carefully.

Raven inhaled deeply, and stared at her for a good minute.

“Nope, but it’s......it’s whatever.” Her friend shrugged, averting her gaze around the place to avoid for her to see the look of sadness that raised in her brown eyes.

It made her heart ache for her. 

“Do you want me to talk to her?” She asked. “Because I will. I know Lexa said not to but....”

“Clarke, she won’t even see me.” Raven replied, sorrowfully. “And Lexa is right. Just leave it alone.”

She nodded, understanding. 

”You know, I think I’m just gonna go.....” Raven finally meets her eyes and now watching her eyes, she could see her waver as she continues to listen in silence. “I’m tired and I am working tomorrow. But ummmm....I’m happy for you Clarkey.”

“Thanks Rae.” She said quietly, took a step forward and pulled Raven into her arms. “Call me. Okay?”

After a slight nod, the latina smiled then vanished with a loud, “Good luck Friday.” 

 

Upon leaving the restaurant, Octavia suggested to ride down to one of the nearest college bar, play pool, have some drinks and just hang out for the rest of the night. 

She thought it was a great idea, since she had taken the rest of the week off and perhaps it will help to clear her head a bit. 

Truth was, she didn’t want to be alone the rest of the night. It was karaoke night after all. 

Conversation around the ‘girls’ pool table mostly centered on their traveling adventures, fashion, boyfriends and girlfriends. She failed to add much to the conversation, just throwing some ‘yeahs’, ‘m-hms’, oh and a few head nods here and there.

She went out of her way to stop herself from thinking of Lexa. But it was quite impossible, when the brunette had not called or texted.

When it was time for a new round of drinks, she went to the bar in hopes to finally have a chance to be alone. 

The bartender quickly came over, and asked for her order. While she waited for their drinks, she eased onto one of the bar stools and pulled out her phone again to check for any missed calls, or texts. 

To her disappointment, there was nothing. Nothing at all.

Suddenly, a hand; warm and unyielding, wrapped around her shoulder blade at her side, startling her back into the moment. 

Niylah. 

The woman standing beside her smiles. “Congratulations Clarke.”

“Niylah!?” She said, sounding too staggered. “What are you doing here?”

Niylah chuckles. “You didn’t know I was coming?” 

“No.” She said honestly, and said nothing more.

Both just stared at one another quite awkwardly for a beat.

“God, I’m so sorry!” She said realizing how rude of her to make the poor woman feel unwelcome. “It’s really good to see you.” 

She stood up and hugged the woman hello, both dropping a light kiss on each cheek. Almost air kisses. 

“Hey.” Octavia came bouncing up to them giving Niylah a quick kiss on the cheek, and stood next to them. 

Niylah shifted somewhat awkwardly, looking around the bar until her eyes fell on her friends playing pool and said; 

“I think I’m gonna go say hi to the guys.” 

“Oh, okay.” She smiled and Octavia nodded.

With Niylah gone, she turned and stared at her friend. 

“It’s your night girl.” The brunette exclaimed while taking her last sip of beer, “I got it. Go have fun!”

She fixed Octavia with a pointed look for even suggesting it. 

"O. I’m with Lexa." She informed, as if Octavia did not know.

The brunette lifted her eyebrows, and asked "Are you?” 

She sighed at the oblique remark.

“I’m sorry Clarke,” O said with a serious straight face. “But apart from your parents, she’s was the only one missing here. The bar is 18 and over.”

“Yeah.” She sighed again. 

What was she supposed to say? It was the truth. Tonight, she was surrounded by loved ones, who had came out to support her. 

“I’m sorry, is this because I invited Niylah?” Octavia asked.

“Yes. O. Who do you think it’s about?” She replied, annoyance hinting at her voice.

Octavia gave her an innocent look.

“Look, first of all Niylah is my friend. I invited her because she’s fun. And yes, she likes you. A lot actually.” Octavia gives her another look, and she chooses to stay silent. “It is understandable, if you don’t.”

“I don’t.” She stated as matter of factly.

“That’s totally fine Clarke. But if you weren’t so wrapped up on someone who doesn’t even give you the time of their day. You would actually see that you have other options my friend.”

She shot her friend a shrewd look. This was the conversation she had tried to avoid earlier. And now they were having it in the middle of a bar, in front of half drunk college kids and bunch of strangers.

“You know I love you...” Octavia asked, trying to appease her. 

“I do.” She said sternly. She knows this is exactly how their most honest conversation began.

“You my friend, you are a gentle soul...You give your heart out, sometimes to people who don’t deserve it.”

“O.” She warns.

But then again, this is so Octavia. Honest and blunt. Octavia sighed and stared at her. Which meant her friend was nowhere near done, so she remained tight-lipped. 

“Ok. Hear me out Clarkey. I like Lexa. I do.“ Octavia is smiling as she says this, then adds the punch line below the belt; “I mean, from what you’ve told me, it looks like the girl is treating my best friend like shit. Period. And as your best friend it is MY duty to tell you this.” 

“She’s been very busy, O. With her father’s company and all.” She shrugged it off. “It’s work and it’s important to her. So, I have to respect that.” 

“Stop!” The brunette held out her hand, inches in front of her face. “Just stop making excuses for her Clarke.”

She opened her mouth to protest, but Octavia raised her hand again and she fell silent.

“Yes. You fucked up but she shouldn’t be punishing you for something that _you both_ did in the past. It’s time to move on. Arkadia is not too far from Boston.” Octavia paused then made a disgusted shudder. “For fuck’s sake, I hate myself for sounding like your mother right now I swear!

The desire to laugh seized her at seeing her friend shuddered in such despicable way, but she suppressed it as well as she could.

“But....You are beautiful, and there IS a line of people wanting to be with someone like you Clarke. And Niylah my sweet friend......she just happens to be one of them.” 

The brunette shrugged, almost beaming. 

Octavia gets away with it because she's naturally so likable in her sincerity, somehow the girl could always shine a light on the darkness to brighten the mood. Her mood.

Every single word that came out of her friend’s mouth just moments ago were true. She knows this. But love. Love is patient. And she’ll wait. As long as it takes.

“You deserve better.” Octavia breathed.

“Are you done?” She asked.

“Yes.” The brunette concluded.

Before anything else could be said; the bartender calls;

“That’ll be $52.”

“Open a tab Sterling!” Said Octavia as she slid her credit card across the bar to keep the tab open. “C’mon, we’re ready to take over the mic!”

The bartender took the card as he placed the beer pitcher and couple of shots on the counter.

 

As the night progresses, she finds herself holding the mic on stage standing in front of Octavia who by the way, is on her knees holding her own microphone in such dramatic misery.

 

♪ ♫ No way you'll see me crawl ♪ ♫ Like a shark!!!! ♪ ♫ 

She shouts more than she should’ve into the mic, but the crowd is going wild with laughter, with scattered applause, whistles, and foot stomping, cheering for them.

♪ ♫ I'll be ripping you apart, and celebrate ♪ ♫ With lots of champagne!!♪ ♫ You caught me on the wrong day, ♪ ♫

Both come closer together.  
♪ ♫ Now you know ♪ ♫ Come what may, I won't give away ♪ ♫ 

They twirled and danced together around the stage as both sing into their microphones.

♪ ♫ My love, ♪ ♫ see me dancing in the rain  
♪ ♫ My love, ♪ ♫ NO MORE whiskey and cocaine♪ ♫ My love, ending all forbidden fruit ♪ ♫ My love, love, love ♪ ♫ 

Why they chose to sing this song, she doesn’t know. But the few drinks she’s had by now did helped. 

♪ ♫ Ashes to ashes, dust to dust ♪ ♫ If the spell won't kill you, your ego does ♪ ♫ 

Her hands began to roam all over her body seductively and the audience started whistling. 

There's a collection of shouts, from ‘Take it off!’ to razzing whistles from the outback part of the bar.

♪ ♫ MY LOVE, diamond rings and Chevrolets ♪ ♫ MY LOVE, no more tears and no regrets ♪ ♫ MY LOVE, time to lay the man to rest ♪ ♫

In her case....the girl.

She dramatically placed her hand on her heart and fainted back into Octavia’s arms but then quickly jumped back up to sing the last part painfully slow. 

♪ ♫ My love......love......love ♪ ♫ 

Mic dropped. 

The crowd roared and both can’t help but giggle when Octavia and her came down the stage.

She smiles broadly as she walked confidently back to her friends.

“Hell yeah Griffin still got it!” 

Bellamy high fives her before she flopped back into the couch, sitting next to Niylah. 

“That. Was. Awesome.” The woman smirked while slow clapping.

She profoundly blushed and smacked the woman shushing her. “Shut up.”

“Oh! Whoa, hey now!" Chuckled Niylah.

She suddenly grinned at the woman, feeling silly and all giddy from her performance. It had been long since she’s had this much fun.

Niylah then grinned back and when their eyes meet, Hazelnut eyes became penetrating, giving the impression that they've been staring the whole time and suddenly, she found herself watching the woman’s face more closely than usual. Until somehow, it registers.

_What.the.fuck.are.you.doing?_

A rush of guilt settled inside. 

She was enjoying this more than she should’ve, Niylah’s company too.

She cleared her throat, already standing up says; “I n-need the uh, restroom.” She stammered nervously excusing herself, and moving through the crowd to get lost for a moment.

 

The rest of the night she avoided the woman’s company. 

She knows she’s done nothing wrong. Nothing happened. But it should’ve been the brunette smiling at her like that. It should’ve been Lexa gazing at her with so much desire in her green eyes.

“Fuck!” She cursed staring at her phone.

It was still early, close to 10:30 at night. Lexa had still not called. All day. 

She thought about just going home. 

“I’m sure it is not its fault.” 

She turned to look at the intruder and it’s Niylah who is standing next to her giving her a gentle smile. 

“Am I crazy or are you just avoiding _me_ now?” The woman asked.

“No. I—“ Her excuse fell flat, unable to lie, because yes, yes she is avoiding her. 

“I’m sorry.” She sighed.

“Can I?” The woman gestures towards the empty stool at the table.

She nodded. 

“Look. I already know you’re seeing someone Clarke.” Niylah told her, “And I’m not going to sit here, lie and tell you that I’m not interested.....I am—I was, from the first moment Octavia showed me your 8th grade prom pictures. And oh man those cheeks—“

“Oh God.” She shook her head and the woman chuckles.

“No, but seriously. I know when to back away. So here I am.” Niylah said raising her eyes with a smile, then extended her hand. “I can also make a heck of a good friend, if you’re interested?” 

She admired what was either carisma or just balls from her newest friend. She could see now why Octavia liked her. 

She shook Niylah’s hand. 

“All right.” Niylah looked at her squarely in the eyes. “Now, spill.” Said the woman, down to business, taking her newest role seriously. “What’s really bothering you?”

She chuckled. “It’s nothing.”

“Oh. No.” Niylah shook her head, taking no for an answer. “Why isn’t he here?”

She raised an eyebrow. 

“Or she?” Niylah corrected.

Taking a moment, she paused, contemplating whether or not to expose herself to someone she barely knew. 

It didn’t take her long to decide, the woman radiated such an aura of tranquility and good intentions.

“Is it that obvious?” She sighed, taking a chance.

Niylah smiles. “I’m a great observer.” 

“It’s a long story.” She answered after a while.

Niylah stares at her judging her sincerity, then says; “I’m also a great listener.”

She smiled.

“Sometimes, you just need to talk and get things off your chest. It might do you some good.” Niylah’s voice was calm and tranquil. 

“She’s......busy.” She said simply, finally able to look at the woman in the eyes and saw nothing but warmth. “And it’s complicated.”

“Try me.” Niylah said quietly.

“Have you ever had your heart broken?” She asked.

“Ha!” Niylah almost snorts, then howls the bartender for a round of drinks.

She shared her fourth drink of the night with Niylah. She thought that maybe it was the woman’s open warmth that made her open up to her so easily, but talking to Niylah was like therapy. 

Actually, it was better and free of charge. It was comforting, something she hadn't realized she needed from a complete stranger.

Of course, she spared the woman all too personal details. But made sure to express her deepest frustrations. 

At the end of the session, her diagnosis was—consequences of ineffective communication. 

She laughed. Hard.

The woman whom she had just literally established a friendship with was not in the least wrong.

“Call her.” Niylah encouraged her. “Tell her that you want her ass over here and sing with you.” 

“She’s probably asleep.” She said making up another excuse.

“Then take your ukulele to her house and serenade her under her open window.” Niylah suggests, grinning.

She burst into laughter. 

“Hey. I’ve done it. It works.” Niylah smirked.

“Will you believe me if I tell you I don’t know where she lives?” She masked her hurt with a soft chuckle.

“Oh. No.” Niylah places a hand to her chest. “You are fucked.” 

“Well.” She sighed, sadly. “I am. Aren’t I?” 

“I got it! Call her!” Niylah encouraged her again. Then quietly put her chin in her fingers and says, “Tracy Chapman. Sing, ‘Give me one fucking reason’ over the phone!”

She threw her head back laughing. 

“What?” The other blonde looked at her, lips pressed into a tight line. “It’s a great ultimatum song!”

“It is! But, I—I don’t know.” She said doubtful.

“Go!” Niylah ordered.

“Yeah?” She asked, like a teenager needing reassurance to talk to her crush.

“Here” Niylah slides her shot, “Liquid courage.”

“Fuck it,” she mumbled under her breath before she downed the shot. 

Patron to be exact. It was her first shot of the night. She’ll be drunk if she continued at this rate, mixing her drinks.

Smiling and all giddy she stepped outside the bar and dialed the brunette’s number. 

Blowing on her hands for some warmth, she waited. In her excitement she had forgotten her coat wearing only her dress and knee boots.

One ring.

Two rings.

Three rings.

_“Hello.”_

“H-Hey!” She says, way to excited at hearing Lexa’s voice. 

_”Hey. Is something wrong?”_ Asked the brunette on the other side of the phone, voice laced with concern.

“No!” She said immediately. “I-Uh....I’m fine.....Are you busy?”

_”Well......I’m on my way home right now.......What’s going on?”_

“Nothing......I—just, I wanted....to....uh—“ She paused.

Silence.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I missed you and just wanted to hear your voice, that’s all.” She said with all honesty.

Silence on the other side taunted her. 

She let out a harsh breath from the severe coldness as she waited several seconds for a response, but nothing came. 

“Lex?” She called.

 _”Yeah. Sorry.”_

Lexa finally spoke.

_”I’m uh— Clarke, let me get out of the highway and call you back when I get home. Is that all right?”_

Did the girl hear what she just said? _I said I miss you._

Suddenly, the air left her lungs momentarily. It was getting harder to draw a breath with each passing second and she gasped for breath.

_”Clarke?”_

Her silence prolonged as she felt her heart constrict in a strange new way. It had been so long since she’s felt this small and vulnerable.

For a moment she had allowed herself to believe that she was finally worthy of a happy ending. Her happy ending. 

Everything felt so still and so silent in that moment, that even the loudness from the busy street felt quiet before she heard the brunette call at her name again.

_”Clarke are you there?”_

Silence. 

_”Clarke, are you oka—“_

Beep. 

She hung up without saying anything else and giving Lexa no time to go on.

She understood the abrupt ending to their conversation, however. Her mind had gone numb and her heart felt as if it could break right now even if she had said a simple ‘bye’.

She clutched her phone tightly and leaned against the wall. Everything seemed to be frozen in time. The cold temperature didn't help either, making her breath shallow.

 _Fuck!_

She didn't like that she'd allowed someone into her mind and soul enough to hurt her. Again. No. But it wasn’t just anyone. 

It was Lexa.

She had opened her heart out for a second time just to have it break once more? Lexa had promised her hope. Love......

Suddenly, her phone rang interrupting all the thoughts in her head. 

She saw it was the girl calling back. 

She felt a sudden lump in her throat and let it rang once then turned it off. 

Taking a deep breath she put on a fake smile and went back inside.

 

//

∞ ∞ ∞ 


	42. Chapter 42

∞ ∞ ∞ 

//

//

 

By the time she decided to head home it was around 11:45 at night; the next day was rolling around faster than she’d wanted it.

She was feeling a bit tipsy but nothing drunk enough to loose all her five senses. On a scale of drunkenness, she was probably a ‘four or five’ out of ten, like the responsible adult she is.

Leaving her friends at the bar, she got into the car with every intention of going straight home, fall into her bed and sleep the rest of the week and whole weekend away without seeing another soul. 

Not even Lex— She shook her head not wanting to think about what happened. 

She doesn't have the strength to think about that. Not right now. Maybe later when she's inside her home, warm and safe. Even though at the moment ‘warm’ and ‘safe’ were two things she doubts she'll ever feel again. 

At least not tonight. 

“Thanks!” She waved the driver after she stepped out of the car, finally making it home.

As she searched for her keys in front of her door, a well known voice called her name.

“Clarke.”

She turned around and her eyes went wide as a set of familiar green eyes looked right back at hers.

Was her mind playing tricks? Maybe it was the effect of the alcohol. 

“Lexa?” She said tentatively, taking in the sight in front of her.

"Hi," Lexa said, standing a little awkwardly outside her home, next to the black Audi, eyes filled with mix of surprise and concern. 

“W—what are you doing here?”

The brunette comes closer.

“I called you several times and your phone.....it kept going to voicemail and I—“ The brunette paused, voice still warm, “I-I needed to know you were okay.”

Oh. The audacity to play with her feelings this way. One day she’s cold and the next she cares. Unforgivable.

“I am.” She answered, with such flippancy. 

Blame the fucking alcohol. 

Lexa stance completely changed, the girl stood up tall watching her critically in her black bodycon polo neck dress with thigh high black boots, and spat; 

“Clearly.” 

“Right.” She looked at the brunette scornfully. 

She was touched by the concern in the brunette’s voice. In fact part of her wanted to just grab Lexa there and kiss her senseless for caring. For driving all the way from Polis to Arkadia to her rescue like some fucking white knight in her stupid yoga tights, and oversized cashmere sweater. Lexa looks gorgeous, a goddess on her front step. 

She hates it. She loves her. 

But she was still hurt and not ready to let the girl go that easily. 

“Who was that?” Lexa asked and gestures at the empty road.

She walked over to her front step, to get the door open then looked over at the brunette who stood in silence waiting for her to answer.

“Uber.” She said finally, a blend of irritation and impatience. 

The brunette said nothing and just stared. 

“I don’t know Lexa. I didn’t catch his name. I mean, I wasn’t aware I’d needed it.” She spat with guarded edge in her tone before entering her home and leaving the door wide open for Lexa as an invitation to go in. 

_Liquid courage. Alright._

Her head spun, still a little buzzed from the alcohol. She sauntered towards the sink, grabbing a glass, she filled it with water and downed it. She needed to have a clearer head.

The brunette eyed her steadily in silence across the kitchen island once inside.

“Where were you?” Asked Lexa seconds later. 

She looked at Lexa’s serene, angelic face trying her best to force all her frustration away.

“Out.....” She said keeping her expression bland, “Celebrating my newest ‘accomplishment’.” She made air quotes with her fingers. “Thanks to you.”

The brunette flinches. She can see it even in the dimly lit room. She can see the way Lexa stifles the instinct to recoil and then looks away as if she had slapped her in her cheek and she just might do it again.

“I didn’t know you were out—“ Voice still soft, and now barely there.

“How?” She gave the girl a humorless chuckle then abruptly moves to walk towards the couch.

Lexa flicked a grim glance her way as she sat to get out of her boots.

“You never ask.” She painfully grounded each word out from a tightly clenched jaw. “You never call. I don’t know where you are. You don’t know where I am. Isn’t this how it works?”

Both stared speechless at one another for a moment. She could actually see Lexa’s own jaw clenched, making the muscles in the girl’s cheek jump —her Lexa, who is looking sinful with her natural curly hair she hadn’t seen in so fucking long, —her Lexa with her exotic, flowery after shower scent surrounding all her senses.

“Why are you _really_ here Lexa?” She tentatively advanced a step or two nearer. 

Insinuating.

Green eyes moved to hers, their gazes colliding. 

“I was worried Clarke.” The girl said quietly, coming closer to her. “Like I said. I called you a hundred times.”

There's no edge in the brunette’s voice, no inflection. Lexa doesn't lean on any of the words.

“Believe it or not, _I do_ care.” Whispered the brunette.

The words drained most of the tension from the room at the softness of the girl’s voice. 

Lexa’s green eyes rested on her face for a moment longer, steady and clear. She could not help feel. Her heart fluttered inside at their closeness and as the goosebumps started to race over her skin. 

Octavia was right, it’s always her treacherous tender heart. Her will abandoning her. But this wasn’t about winning or who cares about who more? 

It just is.

“Then show me you care.” She put both of her warm hands to the brunette’s face.

Green eyes softened, and slender fingers grabbed her chin softly. Then closed her eyes, resting her forehead against hers, her fingers lying on her neck.

“I’m right here Clarke.” Lexa whispered against her mouth.

She drew back slightly and studied the brunette’s face, every inch of it, greedily before slowly leaned in again and pressed one swift, soft kiss to her lips. 

She wasn’t prepared for the way Lexa kisses her, it’s like she is the oxygen the girl has been missing. As if Lexa has never breathed until this moment. There is desperation in the way the brunette clings to her, but it’s the good kind. The awesome kind. The one that’s been missing. 

All the longing, all the fears flew free. Lexa’s hungry lips seared hers, warm lips caress hers perfectly. They’ve become so delightfully familiar, perfectly in sync and their tongues dance around together. It's a symphony they've perfected, but it all still feels new and exciting every single fucking time.

A content sigh escaped her lips sometime during their kiss and they broke apart not long after that, their breaths a little off despite the slow-slow kissing. 

The brunette looks up at her and she still can’t seem to breathe. Lexa’s love overwhelms her in such good way. She wonders how she’ll ever live without kissing this girl. 

Unexpectedly, Lexa buried her face in the crook of her neck, needing her and inhaled her deeply, strong arms around her waist pulled at her incredibly closer.

She let out a shudder sigh. Her heart sighed too. She could feel Lexa’s breathing tickling her skin, uneven. Harsh. But with so much tenderness she hadn’t felt in a while. 

The silence spoke volumes. Louder than words. Like always. If it weren’t for this little moments she doesn’t think she’d still be holding on.

“I’m okay.” She said simply, softly easing the brunette’s fears.

Lexa held her tightly for sometime, neither of them saying a word, and just taking the scent of each other.

“You’ve been drinking?” Lexa asked in a non-accusatory tone moments later.

She frowned. 

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before drawing back to meet green eyes. 

“Not enough.” She answered, there's still an edge to her voice, a sudden flare of rage which she tries to suppress. 

She wishes she could beat this situation, put the hurt aside where she can diminish its importance and just stay in the warmth of Lexa’s arms. 

She can’t.

She dropped a light kiss to the girl’s cheek then tried to take a small step back to increase the distance between them, but the brunette denies her the space by tightening her arms possessively around her waist. 

Lexa gave her a significant look; “Who did you go out with?” 

“Friends.” She said, not giving the girl a straight answer and held her gaze squarely.

“Bellamy?” Lexa asked.

She sighed in frustration at the silent accusations; 

“Yea.” She said tersely, trying to get a rise out of the girl. “He was there and Niylah too.”

Lexa quickly tries to mask the hurt her retort causes and with raised eyebrows speaks calmly, “Niylah. Your date?”

“Not today.” She answered and Lexa releases her immediately, waiting in silence for her to proceed. She doesn’t.

The brunette stared at her long and hard, wishing she could unearth her secrets as she decides to take her time.

“I don’t trust her.” Says the brunette and she scoffs.

“Lexa.” She sighed.

“She wants you and there’s no doubt in my mind;” Lexa’s voice rose slightly as irritation, and desperation flooded through the girl. Jealousy. “Yet, here you are giving her your time. What do you expect me to think or say?”

“You’ll never trust me again,” She paused, standing again in front of the girl. “Will you?”

Lexa doesn’t respond. And she wants to scream, shake the girl. She does.

“From day one, _you’ve_ made it abundantly clear that our relationship was to stay strictly platonic, right?” 

More silence.

Pushing it, she points a finger in front of the brunette’s face accusingly. 

“You say we’re not _together_ , not until you’re ready, right? Then, why does it matter who I’m giving my time to?”

Lexa’s eyes lit with fire, and a mixture of hurt understanding the meaning behind her words.

“You set down the rules Lexa. Not I........You did!” 

“I shouldn’t have come.” The brunette turned and tries to walk away.

 _Damn it Clarke._ Her stupid heart.

“Wait.” She said wrapping her hand around Lexa’s slim waist and pressing her lips to her warm shoulder blade, regretting her words. “I didn’t mean that.”

“I know.” Lexa closed her out still facing away from her, unmoving. 

So close yet so far. It wasn't meant to be like this. 

In an attempt to keep from being pushed away, she wrapped both of her arms around the brunette’s from behind.

“I’m sorry okay? She was there but nothing happened. I swear.”

“I know.” Repeated the brunette, her voice is soft, but her body still tense. “You don’t understand....”

She removed her arms from around the brunette, allowing Lexa to turn to face her. 

“I have work, school, my future to think about and now....you—“ The brunette trails off.

She filled in the blanks. It's harsh, it’s cold, but oh, so completely fine.

“And here I thought you had no complaints, I swear all I hear everyday is you screaming my name.” She chuckles darkly.

She sounds harsher than she intends and that's comforting in a way. 

It gives her something else to hold on to other than her flare of jumbled emotions. It also gives Lexa something else to think about other than herself and how she's close enough to also move further away than ever.

“Clarke.” Lexa leans on her name. “That’s not what I meant.”

“No. Hey. I get the fact that you have more important things to do than.....‘me’. I get it. Hell. I do.” She laughed, finding it amusing. Not laugh-out-loud amusing because it was definitely not funny. “But damn, I wish you didn’t have to be such an asshole about it Lexa.”

“I’m the asshole?” The brunette snapped, and rushed towards her, “I’m the asshole that drove miles to make sure you were okay! Simply because _the princess_ was out with her _friends_ and decided to turn off her phone. I’m the asshole that drives almost every day to come and see you!”

“I never asked you to do any of that Lexa!” She shouts with exasperation. “See that’s the difference between you and I.....I want us to work. And if you would only tell me where you lived, I wouldn’t mind taking the damn fucking drive for you.”

The brunette fell silent. 

She stared at Lexa long and hard. Maybe Lexa doesn't want her to do more and maybe she doesn't think she can do any more anyways. 

Because what else can she do? Apologize? She’s already done that. Tell her she loves her? She's done that too. Tell her it's all going to be okay? 

Hold her? 

Fuck her?

She squeezes her eyes shut for a brief moment. Almost shuddering she looks up at the brunette expectantly but Lexa still doesn't say anything.

“ _Stop_ hiding again in your stupid silence!” She accused, she demanded. “How long until you continue to punish me?” 

“I’m not punishing you, Clarke.“ The girl’s gaze deepened, green eyes flared as she scoffed at her. “You will never understand what it feels....”

“Understand what?” 

Lexa doesn't answer at first and she thinks she’s had enough.

“What is it that I don’t understand Lexa!? That you’re leaving in a couple of months? That Boston is only three hours away?” She asked desperately. “That you’ve been using me All.This.Time!”

“To want but you can’t have.” The brunette said eventually, so softly that she very nearly doesn't catch it. “To be but you’re still not good enough.”

For a second she has no idea what the words even mean.

“What?” She tilts her head. 

Lexa paused a moment, as though she weighed her words carefully before she spoke again. 

“What could I possibly have to offer you Clarke?” Explained Lexa, voice thick. “Perhaps it’s difficult for you to understand but your mother is right.”

“My mo—“

Oh.

_OH._

She sighed wondering at what point in the conversation with her mother Lexa had walked in the other night. It all makes perfect sense now. The sudden change.

“I have nothing.” Whispers the brunette.

This is a disaster. She doesn't care. She could tell the girl how they could live off bread and water and how difficult life will be but as long as they’re together it’ll all be okay. 

That she fell for Lexa, not Alexandria Woods and that Love is all they need, not a career or money. 

It all be true. Maybe. Who knows. She’s done it once and could easily do it again. 

But she doesn't tell Lexa that. Because they’re here now and tomorrow always comes too fast. 

Her heart is all she needs. But it’s not. It’s still not enough. She’s selfish. She needs more than that. 

She needs to fill the void, be comfortable, feel secure and free of doubt. She needs the comfort of knowing that the biggest question can be answered. 

Love is easy. Should be easy when she says, ‘I love you’ and is certain that Lexa’s immediate reply will be, _I love you, too._

 

She reached out for the brunette’s hand, covers her fingers with her own and locked the other hand around Lexa’s hip drawing her closer. Her thumb strokes over Lexa’s pulse like she’s checking it before her eyes flutter closed and pressed her forehead against Lexa’s.

 _God._ How could they be so stupidly in love? 

“I’m with you,” she murmured against the brunette’s mouth, “You’re enough just the way you are.” 

They’re hanging by a thin thread. For a second Lexa does nothing. When she opened her eyes, she’s able to see the love welling up in the brunette’s eyes, turning those beautiful forest-green eyes nearly emerald. 

And as she stares, it suddenly clicks. 

It’s also not enough for Lexa. 

In spite of Lexa’s mature appearance, independence, and assertiveness she’s forgotten that the girl is still well behind years of experience. There’s much more for the girl to learn. Much more for her to live.

They can't have a healthy relationship with two unhealthy people. Love should fill every crack in the fiber of their beings they didn't know they had, they should be able to complete one another, they should be pushing each other to pursue their passions, interests and become the better person possible. Together. Always. But Lexa’s heart is bruised and wants to selfish. She wants to be better, chase her dreams.

And that’s okay too. 

But, they either both accept it and look beyond the mistakes and the flaws toward the beauty of a future together, and No, NOT just ‘this moment’, because now she understands how wrong she had been.

She looks up at the girl, and meets her gaze. 

_She's beautiful. So fucking beautiful._

It's so wrong and fucked up and she tries so hard not to go there. But she does. 

_Oh._ She does. 

In each other’s arms, they might just think clearer. Lies. She wishes the girl would just make the decision for her. 

Her heart aches. 

Things would’ve been so easy and so much different, if Lexa hadn’t crossed her path. 

Wrong. 

If Lexa hadn’t taken her heart into her hands. It would have been easier to have had just one bad decision in the past.

ONE. 

Like the one she’s about to make. A hook up or a one night stand with the student would’ve been easier, a lot easier to put behind, than all of this. 

It hurts. And she refuses to hurt any worse than it already does.

She grabbed Lexa’s wrist and dragged her down the hallway towards the bedroom slamming her body into the wall twice on the way, all while loosing her dress. 

She doesn’t think the brunette will bruise _any more_. And if she does, it doesn’t matter, Lexa doesn’t seem to mind at the moment.

She made a quick work of sliding the girl’s shirt up so her hands could cup those firm breasts one more time.

“I want you.” She pleaded with a firm grip on Lexa’s toned ass with one hand, and the other sliding up and down her taut back muscles. 

At her command, the brunette picked her up effortlessly and she eagerly wrapped her legs around the girl’s waist.

Lexa carries her down the dark hall. Without breaking apart they continued to kiss. Their kisses turned fiery, desperate but passionate; clothes were ripped out and bodies slammed into walls. 

She’s angry. It’s rough. 

The need for air forces them to break apart after crashing onto the silk sheet that covered her bed with a loud grunt. 

Lexa on top. Always on top. But she knows this was about compromise. It’s always her. It’s wrong.

Both just stared at each other panting as if they had just finished sprinting a fucking race and had won first prize.

They both knew this was their dark paradise. Their escape. She glances up at the girl and she knows Lexa sees it too. What it means.

“Come here.” She commanded. 

Lexa goes down kissing her neck, her jaw until their lips meet in a slow, heated kiss. 

Her fingers traced the perfect symmetry of the girl’s body to the curve of her waist. The brunette’s skin felt pleasantly smooth beneath her fingertips.

“I want you to cum with me.” She whispers into the brunette’s ear.

Her hands wrapped around the girl’s waist, positioning her, her palms grasped perfect round curves, inadvertently pulling the brunette harder against her and opening her legs to allow Lexa to lower herself to press against her core, hitting her just right and it feels fucking incredible. So incredible.

_Fuck!_

She eased back and pushed herself forward starting to rub their clits together.

“Oh my fucking God!” Lexa cries out with so much desire. Surrendering. Already losing a battle she had no business winning.

This was the most she’s heard from the brunette while having sex. 

She takes Lexa’s weight on her arms as both move back and forward with such slow deliberation. Compromise. Both of them wet and getting wetter by the second. 

“Fuck.” She manages to say, grabbing the headboard of the bed when Lexa gradually starts to move faster.

The feeling of the brunette’s hot, wet pussy pressed against hers, it was like fire against her core thrusting back and forth. 

She watches as pleasure plays across her lover's face, swelling with pride and determined to drive the brunette higher and higher first to her orgasm. 

“Fuck.” Lexa submits, letting out another moan before began to nip and suck on her neck.

 _Damnit!_ She’s also wearing a strapless dress Friday. 

She keeps silent and doesn’t stop her hip movements, she won’t, not until they were both satisfied, not until her own orgasm overtakes her.

She gritted her teeth when the brunette pressed hard against her; also looking for her relief, their breasts against each other's body and kissing each other all over; passionately and angrily making love.

It feels so fucking good...

“Yes, Oh!...Fuck.!" She gasped clutching at Lexa’s back with her free hand. “Don’t stop,” she begs into Lexa’s skin.

She hears the brunette whimpers helplessly, rocking more boldly against her.

And her reward came suddenly when she heard the brunette scream; It’s her name that falls off Lexa’s lips. Soft and reverent.

“Clarke!” Lexa moans coming all over her, and the brunette’s head falls into the crook of her shoulder sinking her teeth gently into the juncture of her neck as she angrily continues to thrusts her hips, chasing her need.

Lexa hisses when she rubs herself hitting her sensitive pussy, instead pushes her knee harder against her cunt to ensure she doesn't move more than she can take. She’s close, oh so close. And she holds onto the brunette as dear life itself as she moves faster. Her breath catches with each hard press of Lexa’s thigh against her center, dragging over her clit. Until she finally cums undone seconds after, a loud moan tearing its way through her throat and her body went crazy, quaking beneath Lexa's. 

The brunette’s full weight body lower against hers. She clawed at the back of Lexa’s head, drawing the girl for a searing kiss. Lexa breathes, taking control of the kiss, sucking on her tongue and biting her lips.

She relishes on the feeling of Lexa’s lithe fingers raking across the back of her scalp as they shared the passionate kiss.

Both shuddered together, pleasure rippling between their bodies as they come down from their high, their breathing slowing. 

Lexa’s chin tucks back into the curve of her neck. Her heart is overflowing with love, perfect or not. She’s still fooling herself.

But she loves this girl as much as she ever did, and as they lay there......something is just.....missing. 

The worst part of it all, is that she knows exactly what it is. There were never used to be fear, not when she was lying in her arms. She always felt safe and warm. There never used to be a better place. Lexa always felt like home. 

Resting her chin on her shoulder, Lexa nibbles towards the shell of her ear, allowing her lips to close gently over the lobe to whisper;

Her heart thudded.

“I do trust you Clarke.” The brunette offers, chasing her dreams.

 _But....?_ It just hangs in there.

A knife to her back may have been less painful.

She doesn't respond. The room is so quiet, no one's talking. The only noise she can hear is the fast beating of Lexa’s heart race. Skin against skin. As she waits, she’s not sure what for, she still she waits, and while she does she’s not able to control the tears that were now falling on her cheeks.

Eventually Lexa pulls back and stared into her eyes above her, green eyes are glassy. Even in the dim light, the freckles stood out on the girl’s pale face and beneath her warm color there were dark circles beneath those green eyes. _Lexa’s hurting too._ She can see that it hurts her too. That a strike against her is a strike against herself too.

The brunette leans down, and presses her lips to her forehead and lingers, until she watched the woman she loves so much pull away from her to flop onto her back.

Even after such intimate connection that is lovemaking, it’s still not enough. 

It had been an elusive hunger of Lexa’s body to partly be able to alleviate the pain, to try and calm their most inner existential storm in their hearts. It should’ve been more than just a distraction, more than just a release; it should’ve been a defining connection. 

But it wasn’t.

Losing Lexa the second time was even harder, leaving her nowhere. Nowhere but here.

It’s a decision made with her head and not her heart.

She knew she had to say something. But wasn’t quite sure what else to say anymore. She knows that she has to pull away. She knows that the right thing for her to do is to let the girl get up and for her to sleep in her own cold bed as it’s been for the past three years. 

Instead she pulls the duvet around their shoulders and followed the brunette across the cover, draping her body on top of Lexa’s, snuggling closer to find her warmth one last time. 

Lexa put her arm around her and held her. Wordlessly, they lay nestled in each other’s arms, fresh from yet another lovemaking.

She breathes the brunette in and Lexa pulls her even closer to her, stroking her now tangled hair. God. She wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. 

Another tear escapes her and she feels almost to the point of sobbing, nuzzling her nose into the crook of Lexa’s neck.

“Lex.” She murmured, eyes heavy, already lapsing into sleep.

“Hmmm?” The brunette hummed, also drifting.

“Do you still love me the same?” She asked. A whisper, barely a sound against the night.

In a form of a whisper herself, Lexa makes the decision for her. 

“Do you?” The brunette asked in return.

“I do.......”She said simply. “But I’m getting tired of showing you.”

She's impressed by the steel in her voice. 

A little later, she probes again.

“Do you?” She repeated. 

Oh. That stubborn and foolish heart.

The brunette keeps quiet and Lexa’s silence; it tears her apart, making her heart shatter inside piece by piece for the third time tonight as they lay on the bed in a heap.

It’s at that moment, her world becomes a little smaller, the air inflicted with deadly poison and it becomes just more harder to breathe. 

She closes her eyes. Letting the feeling pass. Takes a deep breath and in that moment of blinding clarity, she knows that if she didn’t tell Lexa now, she never would.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.” She whispered, soundlessly. 

She waited a second, for a spoken response that never came. 

Taking in the silence, she felt the brunette’s lump go down her throat as Lexa swallowed then nodded.

She is human.

She laid her head on the brunette’s chest, and listened to the soft rhythmic sound of Lexa’s heartbeat and the slow steady pace of her breathing puts her into a dreamless sleep.

 

 

Morning, it came too fast; too damn fast, rolling over she reached her hand out instinctively, not surprised when all she felt was the empty space and cold, soft pillows. 

Opening her eyes slowly and looking in the direction of her outstretched arm, her eyes confirmed exactly what she thought.

Lexa was gone. 

For a moment she wondered how long Lexa had already been gone. One thing she was certain, she’d disappeared again.

 

∞ ∞ ∞ 

 

∞ ∞ ∞ 

_“Only the one who loves you really understands these three things;_

_The pain behind your smile._

_The love behind your anger._

_And the reasons behind your silence.”_

∞ ∞ ∞ 

∞ ∞ ∞ 

 

_Twenty-One Years Later......._

“Ugh! This story is worst than Romeo and Juliet, I demand a happy ending!” 

Lexa dimly registers the teenage girl that is attach herself to her right arm while the blonde young boy sidled up to her left speaks. 

“Madi, real life is not like one of your fairytales.”

“Shut up Aden.” The girl huffs making Lexa smile.

“Can I ask you something?” 

Lexa turns to look at the blonde haired boy with thick rimmed glasses that framed his attentive sea blue eyes.

“Why do you think she always chose to be three meters above the sky than walk with her two feet on the ground and make it last forever?”

Lexa smiles, pushing the boy’s glasses further up his nose and says; 

“Sometimes.....when you’re young, your first love will not always be perfect, the only or the last...” 

Lexa gazed out the window of her private jet and intently peered out looking at the clear sky that never ceased to amaze her. She smiles and continues; 

“Sometimes there will always be a second chance, a second love that loves you and accepts you as you are; despite your age, your mistakes, like the first one did not know how to do it.”

She glanced over to where Blue meets Green.

Her heart beat rippled; and the air caught in her throat.

Those eyes…..

She'd know those blues anywhere…..Her heart and mind spun back to the first time she'd seen them again, 18, long years ago….

 

∞ ∞ ∞ 

∞ ∞ ∞ 

 


	43. Chapter 43

∞ ∞ ∞ 

∞ ∞ ∞ 

_“Sometimes.....when you’re young, your first love will not always be perfect, the only or the last.......”_

∞ ∞ ∞ 

∞ ∞ ∞ 

**_Three years later..........._ **

 

_"Dear Alexandria,_

 

_If you’re reading this. My fight is over._

_If you’re reading this, I am sorry. But it had to be this way._

_I’ve worked hard all my life to ensure a perfect future for you and your mother. But when she died, I also felt lost and the guilt I felt was unbearable forcing me to move away from you._

_Now, at the end of my road, I realize that I sacrificed and gave up what was most important. I missed out on a lot of things with you. It seems as though life has its way of teaching us hard lessons regardless of our intentions or past experience._

_Unfortunately, my time has ran out and I won't be able to make it up to you. But I need you to know that you've always been my inspiration, Alexandria; to go on and I only hope that one day you’ll find it in you to forgive me, to remember me and cherish those memories of the happy times we both shared with your mother. My beloved Amelia._

_I may be asking a lot of you, but everything I worked for, I did it all for you. Now that I am gone, I need you to take care of Polaris Corporation and all thirteen companies._

_Please, I beg you. Do not let it fall under a new administration that may not live up the values that have made this company what it is today._

_This is what I prepared you for. To lead has always been your birthright. How you lead is your choice._

_Stay strong,_

_Augustus Woods III”_




 

Lexa sat in silence in front of her desk absorbed in her own thoughts, thinking over the contents of the letter and package she’d just received. 

Her father had come to see her nearly three months ago, asking for her to return, which she refused. She had not graduated back then and she needed to make sure her sacrifice had been all worth it. 

She had wanted desperately to believe then that her father’s sudden attention was due to the fact that he missed her, but she knew better than to believe in miracles. 

With his death, she was now her father’s heiress. 

She knew in this moment that the whole burden of responsibility was now left upon her shoulders. She’s been waiting for this exact moment for years.

It was time to reconcile everything that she’d learned with everything that she’d been taught and put it to work. Her father’s plan had been perfect.

“You can’t waste time daydreaming all your life Alexandria.” 

_“I need you to become familiar with the company....The faster you learn to manage what’s yours, the better for everyone.”_

_“You have to be well prepared to carry this company’s leadership, I trust you will do well.”_




All this time, her father knew his fate. He knew he was already dying. It all makes sense now. Every lesson, every word he’d spoken was to allow her to grow and become better and better to ensure his legacy will continue through her after his death.

Surely, she was not worthy to accept the honor, this responsibility. She never chose this life per-se. 

Three years, three months had passed since she’d left everything and everyone behind to become the woman she is now. 

Her father had come to see her once in those three years and now that he is gone he still believes he has the right to tell her precisely what she shall do with the rest of her life. 

She wanted to tear the letter into a hundred little pieces.

 

//

 

**_Three Years Before......._ **

 

_“Change of plans.” Her father spoke._

_It was late evening when Lexa sat at a table at Praimfaya Restaurant, in Polis with her father and Titus by his side._

_The elegant lounge providing a relaxed and sophisticated atmosphere with high back mahogany booths and custom wine cork table, pulling off all triple ‘P’s annoyances — pricey, presumptuous and pretentious._

__

__

_The place was packed with extremely rich business men and their wives and colleagues, business partners._

_“It's just that I learned a few hours ago that I'm needed at the New York office. I want you to come with me.” He said dryly._

_“When will we be back?” She asked. “I—I thought you wanted me to take care of the speech for the Charity event Friday?”_

_She’s been preparing and loosing sleep over it, along with managing her classes and work, sacrificing time with Clarke._

_“That’s not important.” Her father retorted. “Roan can take care of it.”_

_It is to me! She wanted to say. To Clarke! The blonde was set to receive a special recognition for her Art program proposal. This was important. She needed to be there._

_She opened her mouth, to speak, to protest, but Titus’s voice suddenly interrupts. She swallowed, steeling herself to remain composed._

_“You’ll leave tomorrow noon. The meeting is set for Friday Morning.” Titus explained. “You might still have a chance to attend.”_

_“That’ll give us time to not be in a rush. It’s why we must leave tomorrow.”_

_“Do I need to be there?” She questioned, she doesn’t recall being her father’s assistant or be his employee as a lifetime vocation._

 _It’s a job, she’s only willing to carry for certain hours of the day._

_Her father turns to look at her flashing her a scowling look._

_“I have a class tomorrow and—“_

_“I don’t understand why you’re wasting your time—“_

_“They’re here.” Titus announces before her father could go on._

_She’s not wasting time. The only reason she’s taking those classes and sacrificing herself is to graduate early._

_She hears her father cleared his throat before he fixed his tie up as they all stood to wait for their three important guests._

_“My apologies for making you all wait.” The older man spoke as he approached them._

_“You haven’t missed anything, Dante.” Her father’s word echoed. “We were also running a little behind to the agreed time.”_

_Lies._

_All lies. Their business dinner was set at 7:30; now due to their unpunctuality, this meeting was delayed 20 minutes._

_It was rude and selfish._

_“Everyone, I’d like you all to meet my daughter.” Her father spoke proudly placing a hand behind her back._

_Perfect daughter father picture._

_All three heads around bobbed up and down in acknowledgement._

_“I’m Dante Wallace. It is such pleasure to finally meet you.”_

_She smiled up at the older man and shook his offered hand._

_“The pleasure is all mine Sir. My father speaks highly of you.” She said confidently, smiling and playing along._

_“Not as highly as he speaks of you, believe me.” The older man released a small chuckle._

_“Is that so?” She smiled._

_At the new information, her eyes dart to her father. He nods, shifting uncomfortably._

_“Alexandria, allow me to introduce you to my son. Cage and my right hand Carl Emerson.” The older man introduced, his voice was soft as a dove's cooing._

_She first shook Carl’s hand, he was nearer. When she extended her hand to Cage, going for the same quick handshake, she was taken by surprise when the man took her hand in his and bowed placing a kiss on the back of her hand with mild interest._

_“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Alexandria.” Cage said with a sly smile._

_She forced a smile herself, and immediately retracted her hand, wanting nothing more than to wash it off. Disgusting._

_During dinner all carried a light conversation. Dante was perfectly kind and caring, in fact remarkably interesting to talk to._

_The old man asked her opinion on classical music, art and poetry, even discussed a few politics with her treating her as an equal, not minding if she was a woman or eighteen._

_Carl, the man of ‘corporate’ had been nodding during the entire discussion, she gathered that the man does not speak more than necessary, keeping his opinions to himself and not finding her insights interesting, or even worth listening to._

_Although when it came to her father’s or Dante’s, the man acted as though everything that was coming out of their mouths was sacred._

_Has she mentioned how much she hates the corporate world? She feels seven years older right now._

_Cage, was a different story, he was… well, he was Cage. They say first impressions are everything. Cage is an attesting to this saying, it is true._

_The man who looked to be in his late twenties, by sight only, could not be trusted. At least that was the first thing she gathered. He also had no scruples, he kept eying her with a strange lust in his eyes that made her somewhat feel uncomfortable the entire time._

_When dinner was over, they decided to move to a more comfortable lounge area and discuss business._

_When she stood up from the table to move along, she looked up to see Cage’s eyes flicking down her body, his gaze resting a moment on her. Her brows creased together as she self-consciously cleared her throat, bringing his gaze back to her eyes._

_Noticing that, her father gives Cage a hard look and the man quickly moved along, embarrassed at being caught staring at his daughter._

_Seconds turned to minutes, minutes to an hour and a half discussing business and the corporate world._

_She didn’t have much to contribute to the conversation since she barely knows how everything works, she’s still learning._

_All that time, however, her mind had been more preoccupied with how the blonde might take the news about Friday, finding it hard to concentrate on what all these investors were saying._

_Her father had been so adamant for her to be here with him, that she had diligently decided to sat throughout it all._

_If it was up to her, she’d rather be wrapped in Clarke’s arms and inhaling the blonde’s addictive scent of sunshine and vanilla, and a mix of Clarke’s own natural scent that she cannot put into words. She shook the thought away._

_She’s trying. God. She’s trying her best. But everyone and everything seems to conspired against them. Against her._

_Somewhere in her fantasies she had the perfect idea where she did indeed romanced Clarke, where she’d take her on dates and share herself, complete body and soul with the blonde. That they’d spend special occasions like Friday, birthdays and passions. It was supposed to be part of the package, it was the perfect plan. But....the universe is an evil bitch with a fucking sick sense of humor._

_At least to her._

_She knows though, that even if she hadn't walked in that night into Clarke’s conversation with her mother, that they’d all just be fantasies after all._

_Dr. Griffin’s words still echoed in her head every time she wants out of this corporate world —her father’s world with lies, fake smiles, fancy dinners and travel._

_But she can’t get out, instead she dives in deeper and deeper every day. She still not enough. Abigail Griffin was right, she’s always known that Clarke was special. Clarke deserves a woman with a successful career, someone who can provide her with a fancy lifestyle, the blonde needs a woman at her side who is worthy, someone Clarke would be proud of to walk beside her. Not just an eighteen year old, who had nothing._

_Nothing at all but a shadow to her father’s._

_Buzz._

_She heard a buzzing sound, every one looked around and saw her cell phone vibrating and lighting up in her tiny purse._

_She took her phone out of her purse to check;_

_It’s Clarke._

_Her eyes dart over to her father’s and he is looking at her steadily._

_Buzz._

_It’s Clarke, she has to answer._

_“Excuse me. I have to take this.” She excuses quickly from the table not giving the gentleman enough time to stand up as etiquette requires._

_By the third buzz. Not wanting to let it go to voicemail she answered, still halfway to a more secluded area. She hides in the first small corner she sees._

_“Hello.”_

_((Hey!))_

_The excited sound of Clarke’s voice in her ear spread warmth all over her body along with hundreds of butterflies in her stomach. The blonde sounded sexy. Deep with a little sultry added._

_”Hey. Is something wrong?”_

_She asked a little concern._

_It was late for Clarke to be calling around this hour, it was unusual._

_((No!))  
The blonde replied quickly. _

_((I-Uh....I’m fine))  
Clarke’s stammering makes her smile a bit in genuine amusement._

_((Are you busy?))  
Clarke asked as her eyes turned towards her table and sees her father retreat from there. _

_Damnit!_

_”Well......”_

_He’s looking for her._

_“I’m on my way home right now. What’s going on?”_

_He spots her._

_((Nothing......I—just, I wanted....to....uh—))_

_She sees him walked towards her. The man looked upset. When he stood in front of her. She brings the phone down to her side and covered it with her hand._

_“Give me a minute.” She asked as he stood in front of her with a clenched jaw._

_He nodded._

_((Lex?))  
She hears Clarke murmured as she bring the phone back to her ear._

_”Yeah. Sorry.” She spoke, her father kept his stare. ”I’m uh— Clarke, let me get out of the highway and call you back when I get home. Is that all right?”_

_Highway?  
What the fuck. Since when does she lie? No. Since when did she start lying to Clarke?_

_”Clarke?”_

_There is no response from the blonde._

_”Clarke are you there?”_

_Clarke’s silence prolongs. But she can still hear the blonde breathing._

_She waited but still no response. Suddenly, she hears a sharp intake of breath followed by a shudder. A sob? Was it a sob? Was Clarke crying? Did something happened? Is Clarke okay?_

_”Clarke, are you okay?“_

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

_“Clarke? Hello! Clarke!” She clutched the phone, listening to nothing but silence._

_The call was disconnected._

_“What do you want?” She asked her father, who had not moved from in front of her._

_“It is imperative that you understand how this business world works. I need you there.” He pointed towards the table. “Not here.” His words are authoritative. “We need this contract. Mount Weather will strengthen our company. Nia is trying to get this contract and—“_

_“I thought Azgeda was already part of the 12 company acquisitions?” She asked, surprised by this new revelation._

_He gave her an affirmative nod, and explains further. “Nia refuses to become part of Polaris Corp. She is almost at her deadline, it is why she’s behind this contract with Dante. If she gets it. The acquisition for Azgeda will not happen. Do you understand now?” He paused, meeting her eyes._

_She nodded to show that she understood._

_“This is not only for the benefit of the future of your company Alexandria. But it’ll also help Roan take control of what is rightfully his.”_

_“I understand.” She reiterated._

_“Cage seems to have a liking in you.” Her father spoke. “I want you to become friends with him. We need Mount Weather.”_

_This puzzled her, fury building within her. Not fully understanding her father’s implications clearly, she asked;_

_“Are you asking me to lead him on?” Her expression one of great consternation._

_“Don’t be so dramatic Alexandria.” Her father spoke coolly. “I’m asking you to help your cousin and take responsibility of what’s yours.” He turned to walk away._

_“Father!” She spoke, loud and clear._

_He halted and turned only half way._

_“I have a girlfriend.” She confessed._

_She wants to smile at the confession. In fact she wants to shout it out as it caomes out of her mouth. My girlfriend. Clarke. Clarke Griffin. She’d asked her Friday, officially, after candlelight dinner, satin sheets....._

_She paused the thought as her father just stared up at her, as if he'd forgotten how to speak._

_No shock._

_No reaction._

_Just his usual emotionless expression._

_“I’m gay.” She informed him. Her glance never wavered._

_“I know.” Was his only reply. Then turned to walk again._

_“Wait.” She catches up to him. “I need to go. Something’s happened, I need to know she’s okay—“_

_“Why are you so determined to humiliate me and destroy everything I have worked so hard on?” He snapped and exclaimed heatedly, then made an effort to regain control of himself as he remembered where they were. “You promised me that you would be on board and support me.”_

_“Yes, I did.” Her jaw tightened. “But stop deciding for me. I refuse to grow old and realize that I have become someone like you, dad. Miserable and sad with no life, married to a job and bathed in wealth but no one to love or someone to share it all with.”_

_Her father falls silent, a couple of heads turned their way. She can see the words had done some damage, she could see the hurt deep in his eyes._

_But he quickly hid it so well behind that icy cold mask he puts on._

_“I told you once.” He steps closer. Challenging. Authoritative. “And I will say it again since you’ve seem to forgotten.”_

_She raised her chin and waited._

_“Do not test me, Alexandria.”_

_She doesn't dwell on his threat, not waits for him to make some sage decision about what he thinks is best for her. All she could think this instant was to call Clarke back and make sure the blonde was safe and sound._

_“I’m sorry.” She said, and moved to the side. “But I have—“_

_Her words immediately gasped to a halt as her father grabbed her by her arm preventing her to take another step further away from him._

_“Clarke Griffin,” He spoke calmly._

_She stopped cold. Her eyes closing of her own volition as fear swamped her._

_“Daughter of Dr. Abigail and Jacob Griffin. Jake; Polaris Corp’s Chief Engineer.” He taunted, his voice is amazingly level and clear._

_She pulls her arm out of his grip and stared at him._

_“She is the new art teacher at Polis High,” Another pause, “Miss Griffin graduated Steinhardt in New York City.” Another pause, “Prior to moving back to Arkadia and become a simple teacher, she was Senior Program Coordinator at The museum of Modern Art. She resigned.”_

_A moment passed before the meaning of all of his words started to sink in. Anger glittering in her eyes and her confidence unexpectedly faltering with the realization of her father’s new revealing information._

_“Miss Griffin graduated Arkadia High at the age of seventeen, top of her class. Very smart.”_

_His light tone still mocking the gravity of his threat. As he continues, tears filled her eyes with the next wave of understanding and she tried to blinked them away._

_“When she was nineteen, she quit Med School and eloped to New York City, leaving everything and everyone behind, to be with her girlfriend Khlo—“_

_“That’s enough.” She demanded in a sob understanding what it all meant, the last vestiges of her composure now completely gone._

_“What?” Her father stared at her, his eyes narrowing slightly. “You thought that I would just abandoned you Alexandria? I was never there. But I’ve always protected you.”_

_“I don’t need your protection.” She cried. Distraught, her thoughts running wild in her head. “I have to go.” She whispered, pleading with her eyes._

_Clarke may be in trouble. And if anything happens to the blonde, she’ll never forgive herself. Gustus is her father, he wouldn’t dare......._

_“What do you think will happen if the media or the school were to find out that the amazing art teacher at Polis High, who by the way is being recognized this Friday, has been sleeping with one of her......now, former art student, Alexandria Woods daughter of Augustus Woods and heiress to Polaris Corp?”_

_There was a pause as their gaze collided once more._

_“What a scandal that would be. For me. For you. But for her?”_

_His words were cold, sharp as a razor cutting through bone, in this case her heart._

_Her own father betraying her. She pushes the thought away. She can't dwell on that now. He doesn’t deserve it._

_A long moment of silence followed._

_Her narrowed gaze met his when he spoke again. “Compose yourself and get back to the table. I don’t care if you have to force a smile.....You do it.”_

_It hurt…a lot, but she is a Woods. She’s smart. She’s strong._

_“Wait.” She spoke before she saw him turned._

_He looked over his shoulder, as if whatever else she had to say was not worth turning around for. She forcibly wiped the tears away from her face and swallowed. Hard. After tonight, she needed to see Clarke one last time, more so she needed to make sure that the blonde will be fine._

_“Just let me go for now, I need to know she is alright.” She pleaded, new tears stained her cheeks. “After tomorrow, I give you my word, I’ll be whoever you want me to be. But you have to give me your word that nothing will happen to Clarke.”_

_She waited, her breath caught in her throat, hoping he would agree. She can’t let anything bad happen to Clarke for her stupidity. For falling in love with her. For causing so much pain, chaos._

_The words echoed in her head back to that day when Clarke had warned her, but she had refused to listened._

(((I have worked too damn hard to be where I am today and I am not about to ruin everything for..." ))) 

_"For me." She breathed, her voice broken, hurt._

_“She’ll be taken care of.” Her father whispered._

_“What does that mean?” She exclaimed angrily._

_“She’ll be fine.”_

_“That’s not enough!” Her voice rose as all anger ran cold through her veins. She makes herself look at him in the eyes. Forces herself to accept the reality of this. “I need to hear you say it. Give me your word.”_

_Finally, as if waging a war against himself, he looked at her once more and said; “I give you my word that nothing will happen to the teacher.......Starting tomorrow she’ll be under my protection.”_

_She nodded and stared at him for sometime, steadily into his eyes, in hopes through his heavy mask, to find a heart or compassion somewhere in their depths. But she saw nothing._

_“One day you’ll understand that I’m doing all of this for you.”_

_“Never.” She promised. The word came only with great effort, as she feels her whole world rocked off its axis._

_“Ridley can take you.” Her father offered._

_She didn’t respond, she didn’t look his way. Instead she turned her back to him and walked out of the restaurant._

_She hailed a cab, and went home to change and get her car. The darkness around her was suffocating as she tried to breathe in deeply._

_She’d called the blonde a hundred times. Each one of them going to voicemail._

_The idea of never laying eyes on Clarke again was slowly breaking her. Piece by piece. Her ears buzzed. Her heart aches. Her soul cries._

_She felt weak and vulnerable, as if the outside coldness drained her of all strength. It’s been long since she’s felt like this, tense and lost in her own, physical pain, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes even though they're already squeezed shut when got in the shower._

_Her chest heaves, loosing Clarke for the second time was even harder._

_She makes another attempt and dialed Clarke’s number._

 

//

 

**_Present time......._ **

 

Just like that day. She needed to accept it. She’d known she could not run away from it forever.

Her father’s decision had been correct. It was her birthright. She’s always known. 

It is time.

“Alex....”

Lost in thought she had missed the soft sound of the familiar voice calling her name.

“Alexandria?” 

Moving her head lazily she glanced at the woman who was now standing by the door looking at her with deep concern in her eyes. 

“Hey, there.” Said the blonde gently.

She hurriedly thrusts the letters into its respective envelope and turned her head directing her full attention to the blonde.

“Is everything okay?” The woman inquired.

“Uh-Yes.....” 

She immediately got up from her chair, letting out a weak laugh, and forced herself to stare at the blonde straight in the eyes.

There was a brief silence as she drew a long breath. 

“I’m, Uh- I’m afraid my father passed.” She said casually. 

“Oh my God...Alex.” The blonde approached her with great gentleness of manner, and puts her hand kindly on her shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I—are you okay?” She whispers tentatively stepping closer, feeling the full extent of her loss.

Was it a loss she starts to wonder, seeing her girlfriend more affected by her father’s death than herself. The numbness has always protected her from dissolving, but this is her father’s death they’re talking about, it’s a little frightening really-- _why can't I cry?_ Shouldn’t she be lamenting his death?

“Alex?” The woman asks again after she had failed to respond to the first request. “Did someone call you? Honey, should I pack?” 

For a moment, she sat silently with numb lips. The blonde was looking at her once again with a note of concern in her eyes. 

“Are you going back home?” Came another question .

“ _Home?_ ” She quietly whispers.

 _Where was home exactly?_ She asked herself. _Was Polis home?_

“Yes, Easton.” 

“Easton?” She asked. 

There was another short silence as she thought how _Easton_ did feel like home once....... _A long, long time ago._

“It's Uh, it’s going to be hard.....going home.” She says quietly, her voice low and soft.

“Hey," the woman whispers, hastily. “I'm right here.” She comforted, again. “......are you okay?”

She knew she had to turn to look at her and say something; her silence was too long. Too damn long.

_((Stop hiding again in your stupid silence!))_

Dimly she’s aware, it’s just another memory keeping her alive. Her heart stills. She freezes, everything locking up. Her mind, her limbs, her throat.

 

“Babe?” 

She shudders, snapping out of it. 

Costia placed a hand on her cheek forcing her to look. Her girlfriend’s hands were cold. They always felt cold, making her gasped each time.

When she lifted her eyes, she sees hazel eyes staring at her hand, Costia’s expression suddenly with a more sense of pity and downright concerned, far more than the woman should be. 

The blonde understands that this is not only about her father’s death, Costia understands what it means. Costia is just a Band Aid. The woman patches her up every once a week, reminding her that she’s still alive. What she feels for Costia is so different from what she felt for Clarke. That crazy passion.......that need. Love. 

And she’s terribly sorry for that.

“Gimme.” Costia reached her hand.

And she realizes then, that in her hand was her father’s letter which she had been clutching so tightly, it had now become all twisted and wrinkled.

“I’m okay.” She nodded, as if to assure herself more than her girlfriend. Her voice is soft, it’s weak and barely there. “I’m just a little tired, that’s all.”

“Okay.” Costia says gently, attempting to take her hand. “Come on, we can lay down.”

This is why it always worked. Costia is understanding, she’s listened to everything she’s had to say. She’s helped ease the pain.

She glanced at the digital clock on the desk and saw it was already 8:47 at night. It’s still early. She’d been in her study for almost two hours since she got in from work.

She thought at how slowly her brain was processing everything, just having difficulty absorbing the present moment as the past is catching up to her. She truly feels overwhelmingly tired. 

Maybe Costia was right and she should go to bed. 

Hell, take first flight back to Polis even. Her father is dead.

It would only be the right thing to do or what any normal person would do. _Right?_

She doesn’t.

She absentmindedly began to smooth the piece of paper out and Costia places her hand in hers.

“Just leave it.” The woman says it with such finality, that she wishes she could be that immature seventeen year old she once were and shove her to get what she wants.

Taking the letter and envelope, which Costia returned to the desk, the woman murmured; “Come.” And takes her hand in hers to lead her down the hall to their bedroom. 

After tucking her in, Costia laid next to her pulling her back up against her. Gently, pulled her hair back over her shoulder and kissed her on the neck. 

“I’ll call the office first thing tomorrow morning for a few days off...”

“You don’t need to do that.” She countered, knowing the answer was going to be the same.

“I do Alex. You’re not going to back to Easton alone.” Said the woman, a hand rubbing her arm a moment in a comforting way. “I’m going with you.”

The decision sounded final, and truthfully she had no strength at that moment to protest. 

The blonde wrapped her arms around her waist, hugging her for a few moments as they laid in silence. 

“Alex.” Costia whispers as she was already floating off into a doze. 

“Hmm?” She replied drowsily.

“I know you never wanted to talk about it, but why are you still so damn afraid of going back?”

Her mouth opened to respond, but she ended up sighing and closing it, deciding against whatever she was gonna say. 

She’s afraid. Always afraid.

As the years have gone by, it doesn’t hurt as badly as it used to. The memories of home are now sweet and tender and she’s held them dearly to her heart.

“Is it because it still hurts terribly the simple idea of seeing that woman again?” 

She felt her heart thud against her chest, tensing at the question.

“The teacher?” Costia asked.

 _Clarke. Her name is Clarke._. 

But of course, Costia doesn’t know her name. Costia is not entitled to all her secrets and confessions.

She already knows where this conversation is headed. She fought to remain calm in the face of the memories.

She detangles from Costia’s hold and stood up, causing hazel eyes to look at her from her now seating position. 

“Alex—”

“No. It’s fine.” She stopped her, not wanting to listen to the rest of Costia’s reasons and half an hour later apology for bringing it up, again. “This isn’t about her, Cos.”

It’s been a constant reminder in their 5 month-relationship, ever since she finally decided to start dating the woman and move to her room after months of hookups. She could probably recite every damn word by heart at this point.

“Alexandria, please.” Costia sighed, sending her a stare, filled with slight concern and apology. “Come back to bed, please.”

She considered her words a moment before she spoke. 

“No. I need— I just need to be alone right now.” She explained, already walking towards the door. 

“I’m sorry.” Costia pleaded, expressing regret for her words. “Please.”

She paused before opening their bedroom door, sending the blonde one final look. Her girlfriend seemed frustrated at herself more than her now. 

“We’ll leave tomorrow morning.” She said stepping out of the room, leaving Costia alone in their bedroom to return to the study, which used to be her old room.

She sat at her desk and tried to collect herself. Because, yes, even after so many years, it still hurts terribly. 

It hurts so fucking much she wants to scream sometimes. But the good thing is that the hurt doesn't get any worse. It doesn't chip away at her. Not anymore.

It’s funny because sometimes, there are circumstances that make forgetting difficult. Sometimes though, there's nothing really in your way except yourself which is her case; she’s never wanted to forget. Never. 

She could’ve had it all but lost it when she decided to walk out of Clarke’s life that night. 

With time, she’s learned to live with that pain. Her head, her heart has learned to live with it.

She works too much and studies too late. It seemed a good escape in her desperation to ease the pain. She reminds herself every day that she's still here, she's still surviving. And that Love is weakness. And that Clarke can't be any more gone than she already is. 

But now, it’s all changing. Her past mistakes are catching up and they want to collect the debt. And it’s time to face them like the woman she once wanted to be. 

It’s time. 

The simple idea of seeing Clarke again.....it scares her. 

She can feel her heart beat. 

Or maybe, she’s fooling herself and Clarke did moved on. Maybe. They won’t even cross paths again. It had been three years.......

The thought makes her heart clench miserably.

She closed her eyes, conjuring the image of Clarke as she had been that last day in her arms—her vibrant smile touching her beautiful soft blue eyes, softer than the moonlight, remembering the glide of her fingertips across her cheek, her nails gently grazing the surface of her skin. 

She will always miss her, she missed everything, she missed her smile, her laugh, the way her skin feels beneath her fingertips.....The love of her life. Her one and only.

All this time had not dimmed the memory of that day. Never will. It’s like time had stood still, and just today it resumes. 

Three years and three months after.

It's always that silent cry deep down her soul where she’s hardly ventured these years. Today, it so happened she did and Clarke’s words echoed through her. 

_“Do you still love me the same?”_

 

//

 

**_Three Years Before/The morning after......._ **

_She wakes as the rays of the morning sunrise peeked through the window of Clarke’s bedroom. She opens her eyes to a beautiful, and peaceful Goddess wrapped in her arms. And for a moment she is breathless. It all feels perfect. Too damn perfect._

_She could stay like this, she realizes. This is all it has to be. Today. Tomorrow. And Forever. Both wrapped in each other’s arms, skin to skin, Clarke’s breath tickling on her skin as the blonde finds peace at the sound of her heart beat for her, comfort and safety in her arms. It would be enough._

_She would take it. She thinks, Clarke would too._

_But she knows. Oh, she knows. She’s always known._

_Eventually she pulls away, and pulls back the covers and slips out of the bed effortlessly, careful not to wake Clarke from her slumber._

_Before climbing all the way out of the bed, she presses a kiss in the concave of the blonde’s shoulder, waking the woman slowly and her gaze lingers. And the tears start to fall. And her heart slowly breaks._

_When Clarke doesn't stir any longer, she gets up and crouching down at her side of the bed, facing her this time._

_"I love you." she whispers, placing a soft kiss to the tip of her nose. “So much.”_

_God. She loves her with every fibre of her being. It feels less like a dream now. More like a promise._

_It’s in that moment she's come to realise that maybe there's a difference between secrets and lies. There can be at least._

_Her index finger starts at the top of the blonde’s nose, between her eyebrows and gently, stroking towards Clarke’s temple then downwards her chin and tracing the blonde’s facial features, committing every detail about her to memory._

_Clarke would do the same for her. She knows. Clarke already had first time around._

_She leans in again, presses her lips to Clarke’s forehead, and lingers._

_“You’ll be okay.” She cried, and breathed her in one last time._

_A small content smile crosses Clarke’s sleeping face and she reached pink lips and slowly oh, so slowly she traced that smile. She can’t stop the tears that are falling from her face._

_She doesn’t want to leave. She wants to stay wrapped in Clarke’s warmth forever._

_For a moment she lets herself be taken by the pain as the sobs shook her. Again. Timing seems to be the invariable third party. This was over far too soon._

_Afraid she’ll wake Clarke up. She mustered all courage and swallows the lump in her throat to walk out of the bedroom._

_More broken. Without looking back._

_Maybe someday......._

 

//

∞ ∞ ∞ 

∞ ∞ ∞ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As Lexa said, Costia is just a band-aid. 
> 
> -LC


End file.
